CARY GRANT WAS RIGHT  3:14 pm December 2, 2010

Invisible Space Monsters Made of Arsenic Will Kill Us, NASA Announces

by Jack Stuef

Mazel tov, arsenic things!NASA finally made their big announcement about alien life this afternoon: They were looking around some mud somewhere and found a microorganism that is made of arsenic instead of the usual stuff of which every other living thing on Earth is made. This means life can perhaps exist in many other ways we can’t conceive, so there are probably a bunch of invisible arsenic dinosaur-like things walking on the Moon, and we didn’t even know it. It may turn out there are intelligent beings with structures of PURE GOLD on other planets, when we were stupidly looking for worthless carbon-based humanoids all along. THERE IS A NEW FRONTIER: WE MUST VENTURE OUT AND KILL AND MAKE NECKLACES OUT OF THESE KIND GOLD-BEINGS.

Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur are the six basic building blocks of all known forms of life on Earth. Phosphorus is part of the chemical backbone of DNA and RNA, the structures that carry genetic instructions for life, and is considered an essential element for all living cells.

But not anymore! Perhaps we can hoard this arsenic from these weird alien beings that need it and sell it to them at a high markup? Economy saved! [NASA]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 101 comments }

chascates December 2, 2010 at 3:17 pm

NASA speculates that no other planet has tea parties, fortunately.

SorosBot December 2, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Our little girl and English astronauts are going to be very disappointed, then.

bagofmice December 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

The search for intelligent life continues.

BTWBFDIMHO December 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Thanks god this breaking news didn't come up before the election. Otherwise Ms. O'Donnell would be your senator now.

iburl December 2, 2010 at 3:17 pm

I think Obama should appoint Palin as special ambassador to our new friends.

JimmyCarlBlack December 2, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I, for one, welcome our microscopic arsenic overlords.

bitchincamaro2 December 2, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Did they find any "old lace"?

GuyClinch December 2, 2010 at 3:19 pm

I'll bet these arsenic creatures are just FABULOUSLY gay! Oh wait, that was mercury, not arsenic. Maybe they live on planet Mercury?…

738838 December 2, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I thought it was Uranus.

horsedreamer_1 December 2, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Given the lack of Bieber, otherwise, in that Blinging, I hope 'It's a boy!' means the Arsenic Golden Child is Justin Bieber.

Jack Stuef December 2, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Yes. He's the one in the red party hat.

Jack Stuef December 2, 2010 at 3:57 pm

SEVENTEEN PEE?! WHO DID THIS TO ME? I BLAME YOU ALL.

SorosBot December 2, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Everyone else is also suffering from the case of the missing p.

Well, everyone else but me for some reason.

horsedreamer_1 December 2, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Not you, & not I. I don't know how many you've lost, but there're not many.

I'm down seven.

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Well, I figure that you have George Soros evil minnions protecting you.

However, for some reason, I only lost 13 whore diamonds.

The big question is, why doesn't Jack know what is going on?

genxr December 2, 2010 at 3:20 pm

It's Mono Lake. You have to eat arsenic to survive.

jim89048 December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

So, brine shrimp then?

sarjo December 2, 2010 at 3:21 pm

This THING was found in California! The aliens are already here!

ttommyunger December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

And this is news, why?

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Schwarzenegger basically proved that.

SorosBot December 2, 2010 at 3:53 pm

The aliens already came to California in the 80s, but phoned home and left.

weejee December 2, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Now we know where our p went. Ken, now living out near Mono Lake California, has switched to adenosine triarsenate instead of adenosine triphosphate. We are now ATA-driven instead of ATP. Can 'Murica get ahead of the curve on this and also switch to arsenic and old Lasix?

Terry December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Ken took our p over to Gawker!

horsedreamer_1 December 2, 2010 at 4:18 pm

I knew it was Newell along along.

Never trust a Ginger.

CivicHoliday December 2, 2010 at 3:37 pm

a) I love you lots for being a microbiology nerd
b) do you think bacterial plasmids containing DNA with an arsenic backbone could be useful for creating an antibiotic-resistant pathogen infectious only to Orange Americans?

deelzebub December 2, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Does it really need to be antibiotic-resistant if the pathogen itself is essentially toxic?

CivicHoliday December 2, 2010 at 4:30 pm

I should think so. In theory antibiotics could still be created to kill the thing, right? The trick is making sure it only infects the 'actors' in Jersey Shore and the soon-to-be speaker of the house.

weejee December 2, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Agent Orange, once again?

BornInATrailer December 2, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Yes, but like any good redneck my first questions is: are these new arsenic DNA lifeforms edible?

V572625694 December 2, 2010 at 3:27 pm

If you bread them and deep-fat-fry them, you betcha!

OneDollarJuana December 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm

And they're rat-pruf!

PublicLuxury December 2, 2010 at 3:36 pm

They can be turned into a high grade of 'shine'.

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:43 pm

This is California, so the first question should be can they be snorted or smoked.

transfatz December 3, 2010 at 4:36 am

Can they be shot from a helicopter?

arcane_allusion December 2, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Gold?! I guess that means that the Paultards were right about going back onto the gold standard.

Do you think we can convince them to go look for these gold-based lifeforms?

PublicLuxury December 2, 2010 at 3:35 pm

The Great Gold Rush of the 21st Century. Here come the republitards to pillage every village.

ManchuCandidate December 2, 2010 at 3:26 pm

So they found an earf Horta?

I'll bet that Space Jeebus will have some harsh words for the (un)intelligent designer tonight.

BornInATrailer December 2, 2010 at 3:28 pm

I'm a doctor, not a mason!

SorosBot December 2, 2010 at 3:27 pm

I do hope that the astrobiologists get one with finding out if liquid methane can serve as an alternate liquid medium to water for life, though; come on, life on Titan!

GuyClinch December 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Hey, SorosBot still has his/her/its big Pee number… He/She/It's in on it! "It", of course, being the Peespiracy.

DoktorZoom December 2, 2010 at 6:09 pm

I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.

Mindblank December 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm

So, strange life exists on earth. Slow news day?

SayItWithWookies December 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm

So NASA discovered that life isn't exactly what NASA expected it to be? Christ, I find that out every fucking day but I don't make a big deal out of it.

MinAgain December 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm

I think I saw this episode of Star Trek. The structures turned out to be alien caviar.

StillGoinGreen December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

I say it is time to put up an arsenic resisting wall around Texas!! We ain't havin any fucking aliens, brown, yella, full of beans, full of arsenic – WHATEVER!!! BUILD THE DANG WALL!!!

PublicLuxury December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

So this explains Justin Beiber. Finally.

cheaphits December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

I'm thinkin' the arsenic creatures are not a likely food source.

slappypaddy December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

they taste like almonds. wrap 'em in cocoanut, sugar, and chocolate, and they'll be a joy.

DoktorZoom December 2, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Praline: That's as may be, it's still a frog.

Milton: What else?

Praline: Well, don't you even take the bones out?

Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

slappypaddy December 2, 2010 at 6:21 pm

lightly killed is my favorite. that's the way i do all my prey.

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Tell that to any store selling food imported from China.

Mojopo December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Everybody – can I get a high five on the sixth extinction? WOOOO!

Radiotherapy December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

At least our new space monster overlords won't give us syphilis when they tongue punch our scientific butthurts.

Worthly Wokette Skum December 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

This means life can perhaps exist in many other ways we can’t conceive…

"There is no life we can't conceive" – The Palin girls

jim89048 December 2, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Glen Blech is right then? Goldline+Mormons/other planets=profit?

CapeClod December 2, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I was so hoping that they were going to say that they discovered Tribbles.

glindsey1979 December 2, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Soft, sessile creatures that do nothing but eat and produce children?

I don't think I have to finish this joke.

DoktorZoom December 2, 2010 at 6:15 pm

"A most curious creature, Captain. It's trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system."

If Palin's a tribble, then I must be a Klingon.

PublicLuxury December 2, 2010 at 3:33 pm

What do they look like going through the TSA Death P0rno Tubes? Are they tearists too just like teh brown?

jus_wonderin December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Horta: "No Kill I"

Angry_Marmot December 2, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Hortas are silicone based. Katherine Harris lives!

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

I assume that Sarah Palin has twatted that we now must nuke California to save us from the alien menace?

Or did she just call for the nuking of California to stop the Urban menace to society?

Either way, I'm sure she wants something nuked in California. It is what her North Korean allies would want.

Ducksworthy December 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Boring. So some bug that used to rely on phosphorus adapted to use arsenic instead? WTF Why not?

Lascauxcaveman December 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Perhaps we can hoard this arsenic from these weird alien beings that need it and sell it to them at a high markup?

Too late! They've already developed a taste for Lady Gaga's meat dress.

edgydrifter December 2, 2010 at 3:44 pm

Oh hell, join the club!

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

And did NASA explain how they knew that the bacteria were not just taking arsenic to look thin and pale?

ttommyunger December 2, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Tony Perkins and Mike Hickabee are already beating the drums for a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting Arsenic-Based Life Form/Human Marriages.

WIDTAP December 2, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Huckabee is still trying to figure out on what day God created that other genesis.

ttommyunger December 2, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Hickabee: Living proof of Evolution….Reverse Evolution.

slithytovesss December 2, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Didn't people use to snort arsenic back before they discovered meth? If only we could discover aliens made of Bombay Sapphire with olive eyes and big straws sticking out of their heads.

PublicLuxury December 2, 2010 at 3:42 pm

The 21st Century equivalent of Manifest Destiny… Let the lands be explored and mauled and desecrated in the name of alien life. Go git 'em tea tards. Spank those bad, bad alien life forms. I hope some survive. Someone has to be in charge once the republitards get done fucking the planet.

Serolf_Divad December 2, 2010 at 3:46 pm

I envy the British right now who get to make a bunch of jokes about alien arsenic creatures from uranus. If you're American it's only half a joke, and not particularly funny.

Curse you Noah Webster!

LionelHutzEsq December 2, 2010 at 3:47 pm

NASA's Headline: NASA-Funded Research Discovers Life Built With Toxic Chemical

Surely they could have just gone over to the Naval Observatory between 2000 and 2008 and figure that one out.

elviouslyqueer December 2, 2010 at 3:47 pm

"If something here on Earth can do something so unexpected, what else can life do that we haven't seen yet?"

By Jove, I think we've found the epigram for Bristol Palin's autobiography.

Crank_Tango December 2, 2010 at 3:47 pm

So this makes me wonder, who would win in a bacterial cage match, the Mono Lake Arsenic Muncher, or MRSA, the plucky hometown hero from a hospital near you…?

GOPCrusher December 2, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Mormons are flocking to Mono Lake in the attempt to covert these arsenic based life forms to Mormonism.

natoslug December 2, 2010 at 4:14 pm

It's going to be a real mindfuck when we finally meet the beings of pure gold, and they're tablet-shaped.

indecencycmdr December 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm

I want a website: LOL GFAJ-1z! "I can haz arsenic?!?" nom nom nom.

SorosBot December 2, 2010 at 4:10 pm

The Governor of Kentucky is already trying to figure out how Noah safely collected these toxic creatures from Lake Arsenic for his theme park display.

fuflans December 2, 2010 at 4:11 pm

are they sure it isn't mel gibson on a bender?

OneYieldRegular December 2, 2010 at 4:15 pm

Is this anything like when BP discovered that Corexit was a beneficial sentient being that offered maternal, life-giving protection to the oceans?

problemwithcaring December 2, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Inexplicable: Todd discovers new forms of life in Sarah's vagina almost everyday, but US Gov't can't discover microorganisms on treasonous balls of gas, billions of miles away?11!

XOhioan December 2, 2010 at 4:29 pm

There's a dinner theatre somewhere in the Alpha Centauri doing a production of "Carbon and Old Lace."

WarAndGee December 2, 2010 at 4:29 pm

The possibilities are endless with this news.

I've always thought there were aliens made of fart clouds that come out of pig-eyed entertainers mouths and pass through TVs and radios and crawl into ears and hijack cognitive function.

Then the unsuspecting host victim starts to believe a whole host of paradoxical shit like expanding the military while cutting the revenue stream to pay for it.

I don't know where I'm going with this…hurray rat poison is aliens!

mrblifil December 2, 2010 at 4:48 pm

This sort of explains that aroma wafting off Ann Coulter.

Mahousu December 2, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Presumably phosphorus compounds are just as poisonous to these bacteria as arsenic compounds are to us. Which means the only thing keeping these creatures back was all the phosphate we were dumping into rivers and streams. Now that that's disappearing, I assume the bacteria will soon emerge and arsenate the whole world. Thanks, EPA.

DoktorZoom December 2, 2010 at 6:24 pm

Look on the bright side–maybe after we're gone, the arsenic-based life forms will evolve into intelligent beings. And maybe next time it'll stick.

Mahousu December 2, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Nah, that's what the dinosaurs used to say about mammals, before they blew themselves up with their iridium reactor. It didn't work then any better than it would work now. In fact, I suspect the great grandmother of Arsenic Sarah Palin has already been born.

christianmuslin December 2, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Should we send these new people small pox blankets yet?

mumbly_joe December 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm

I just polled my co-workers, and it's a fact: I'm the only person I know who thinks this is interesting and and fantastically exciting news.

Angry_Marmot December 2, 2010 at 8:51 pm

You were probably the only one who knew there was anything unusual about an arsenic based life form.

Mahousu December 2, 2010 at 10:53 pm

He's probably the only one of his colleagues who knew that arsenic is an element.

AntonovBureau December 2, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Big deal, this finding will never make it into the textbooks with all the creationist crap that has to be inserted in the name of Texas.

HateMachine December 2, 2010 at 7:47 pm

I'd like to say that it isn't NASA's fault that this got blown insanely out-of-proportion, but honestly the entire precedent of NASA press releases is media outlets loudly proclaiming during the run-up that there's LIFE ON MARS and WE'RE COLONIZING JUPITER and OMG THE SUN IS EXPLODING TOMORROW. You can't work for NASA, think "maybe we should have a press conference!" and not know what's coming.

NASA should probably just never send out a press release ever again, or at least not until FOX and CNN don't exist anymore.

Plowmon December 2, 2010 at 8:03 pm

But the real question is how much money can be made with these organisms, how they can be packaged and marketed. Focus groups are up and running… Then there is the secondary market, potential derivatives of the contractual agreements and so forth, Christ, this thing could be bigger than Ling-Temco-Vought!!!

transfatz December 3, 2010 at 4:44 am

Dibs on the top tranche!

transfatz December 3, 2010 at 4:52 am

We're looking for new life. God, this is so exciting. Meanwhile we are throwing the old onto the ice floes, the unemployed onto the streets, the sick into their graves and the helpless into the maw of our military machine. There's no consequential life here. I'm ready for that Arsenic yogurt (bourbon) now.

mavenmaven December 3, 2010 at 8:53 am

"Jim, I'm a doctor not a bricklayer…"

Swampgas_Man December 3, 2010 at 6:48 pm

That's an "Arse-based" life form.

sanantonerose December 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Sorry, NASA, but if I can't kill it, deep fry it, and smother it in cream gravy, it ain't "life."

DoktorZoom December 2, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Or maybe the question is why does Jack pretend he doesn't know what's going on, hennggghhhhh?

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