another affront to christmas

Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America

The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations.

In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources and the promise of promoting harmony in a region that has never staged the World Cup.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they also gave a World Cup to Russia, which also hangs out with Iran all the time. FIFA is a corrupt organization who hates America because it is a beacon of hope to soccer and is the game’s natural home. This country loves soccer. Almost 5% of Americans know who Landon Donovan is.


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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Respitetini

    FIFA are stupidface and corrupt. Also, this just in: water still wet. Film at 11.

    But less snarkily: I was young and poor in '94, and was hoping to see a game in '22. Now I'm just a bundle of schadenfreude that hopes Israel qualifies because the only thing I like to watch more than soccer is the exploding heads of bigots.

      1. Respitetini

        I know where you're going, but yeah, you could only wish they were as honest as our domestic sports leagues. Think NCAA on a global scale, but there's no NFL or NBA to get your sports fix elsewhere, and they're European with a big ol' case of the White Mans Burdenz.

  2. finallyhappy

    Sports in 2022- who the fuck cares- there may not be any sports left by then . Just the Handmaid's Tale come to life in America

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Hope them soccer players enjoy their matches; with the increase in global temperatures the average by then in Qatar during the summer should be about 142° F. And being on the water, should be about 110% humidity. Great move, FIFA!

  4. V572625694

    Rats, you mean we don't get to pay for a ridiculously expensive stadium that will subsequently stand empty and cost a fortune to maintain, like the Bird's Nest in Beijing? I guess all we can do to make up for the loss is use taxpayer funds to construct stadia for the jock-sniffing zillionaires who own NFL and MLB teams.

    Remember what O J Simpson said: Sports builds character.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, Qatar gets to pay for it. With money earned from selling oil to the US and leasing land to the US for their ginormous air base at Al Udeid. Yeah, Qatar pays for it!

      1. V572625694

        Well okay, spoil my fun, we’re paying for it. But at least BP and Shell will get a nice markup on it.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      All the U.S. stadia were accounted for at time of bidding: Rose Bowl, Giants Stadium, Qwest Field (Seattle), etc.

    3. gef05

      I think you've missed a minor yet salient point.

      The likelihood of either Russia or Quahtarhghuh getting their acts together in time to stage the events is virtually zero, so the USA will probably host both 2018 AND 2022.

  5. sarjo

    Once upon a time, a shy, quiet, self-effacing country dared to dream big…

    And then fucking QATAR came and killed the dream!

  6. SorosBot

    This is as much of a travesty as the Olympics, both summer and the one no one cares about, not being held in America every four years!

  7. OkieDokieDog

    American men don't want to see foreign men playing girly ball.

    (Since I'm female, I rather enjoy watching foreign men in short-shorts run around and kick their balls. Goooooalllll! )

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Did FIFA really think this through? In twelve years, a million or so soccer hooligans are going to descend on a tiny little Arab country that's essentially dry — you have a buy a license to drink there. And the place has, like, two liquor stores and two bars. Not that it won't be entertaining — but if they thought this would bring two cultures together, they're in for a nasty surprise.

    1. BornInATrailer

      I think that has changed somewhat recently. But yeah, I'd imagine that'll be a cold splash of water in any event. Whatever recent change, "we have a couple of bars now" does not smoothly translate to "international soccer hooligan destination."

      Midnight at the oasis, send your camels to bed indeed.

        1. Negropolis

          I don't know, man. Russian Skinheads are the real things, and Chavs are, well, poseurs. The minute the fight begins, the Chavs will run screaming to their posh hotel suites, the fuckers. Err…I mean, the buggers.

    2. charlesdegoal

      Think Dubai Formula One race: only millionaires and their guests allowed. You can watch it from a luxury hotel or aboard a yacht moored in the marina. Fuck the people.

  9. Monsieur_Grumpe

    We didn’t get the games because we don’t call soccer football. Can you imagine the confusion with all those foreigners coming here and talking about football when they’re really talking about soccer? Worse yet, all the lite beer brain damaged American football fans would show up at a soccer game expecting concussions and spinal injuries.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I don't grasp the Tea Bagger outrage about America getting the World Cup either. It's not like soccer is as popular as American football, baseball, basketball, or even hockey. The majority of them could not tell you who won the MLS Cup, let alone what the initials MLS stand for.
      I'm not a soccer fan, I say congratulations to the countries that will actually appreciate the sport.

      1. Respitetini

        Not counting Big Brad Friedel? For a minute or two, he was so popular among US fans that there was a Chuck Norrisesque meme about him.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    We elected a Socialist Kenyan President who appeases world terrorist. If that doesn't qualify us to host the World Cup, I would like to know what would.

  11. ByronTheBulb

    Congratulations to the modern feudal states of Russia and Qatar for getting to host the World Cup in 2018 and 2022. May they continue to be a beacon of progress, justice, and transparency for the world.

    But seriously: According to The Wikipedia, there are only 1.6 million people in Qatar, meaning that 2022 will be a hilarious role reversal where Muslims are terrified of Europeans entering their country and outnumbering them.

  12. aguacatero

    Despite its human trafficking issues, its undemocratic government, its sweltering heat, and having nearly twice the greenhouse gas emissions per capita of the next-highest country, Qatar was eke it out over the United States due to the latter's widely perceived obnoxiousness.

  13. transfatz

    Next it's the 2016 IIHF hockey championships in Yemen. That AQAP team literally blows holes in the ice. And watch out for those Yemeni women! Lipsticked pit bulls in burqas wasted on khat. I think I'm in love.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Oh noes! What will the British soccer hooligans drink? There are only two liquor stores in Qatar! And you need a permit.

    On the plus side, the 96 -120 degree temperatures will make for exciting football. We can bet on how many players on each side drop out during the games.

  15. zhubajie

    When the world cup was held in Japan/S. Korea a few years ago, Texxe Marrs revealed that the stadiums were actually giant radio antennas to control the nano-robots placed in our bodies when we are vaccinated….

  16. gef05

    Oh noes.

    I just looked at the thread on that shitty site. Oh noes oh noes oh noes…

    "Ah, a muslim country. I bet Obama is smiling this morning."
    "i thought if we voted for obama, the world would love us"

Comments are closed.