Julian Assange is very important, you guys, because he runs a website that compiles government documents some people find interesting, but if you handed them to pro skateboarder Tony Hawk, he would probably say, “Boring. I don’t want read this.” In his latest WikiLeaking, he revealed documents that show that U.S. diplomats are only capable of seeing the world as a system of “Batman and Robin” binaries, which is pretty embarrassing. (Canada is a Robin to the U.S.’s Batman. Dmitry Medvedev is the same to Vladimir Putin.) The media is waiting for the U.S. military to kill this Assange’s website, while Assange is living in the streets of London, expertly disguised as a lowly Cockney shoe-shine boy, masturbating to the thought of getting assassinated.
But the U.S. military is not going to go after this guy’s website. And the Swedish charges for him allegedly doing a rape with a couple of ladies don’t seem like they are going to get him.
And also:
A spokesman for WikiLeaks said Assange had received assassination threats and had to remain out of the public eye.
They’re called “death threats,” bro. And everyone gets them. Even children. Especially children.
The only way this guy is going to die is if he does it the way David Carradine did. Or if people eventually stop paying attention to him and he really does have to become a Cockney shoe-shiner full-time and gets one of those various archaic diseases Cockneys get. But until then, we will keep having the same conversations about what to do with him every time documents are released. And his mom the Australian puppet lady will be worried. [Reuters]
{ 110 comments }
I still find it odd (not really) that the usual gang of Wingnuts are shitting death threats on this guy for leaking Batman/Robin Analogies and shit talk about US allies (like we in Canada City didn't know that we're considered a joke in world circles) which is the usually snotty crap people talk about yet remain mum about some Dick who leaked (through Novakula) the name of an active CIA agent who was working on dealing with the mess of Nuclear Proliferation in the Middle East.
They follow their talking points, that's all.
Or smile upon certain Veeps who out CIA operatives, too, also.
This Dude has done more for world peace than the entire US Congress–soooo naturally there's a bounty on his head.
"Canada is a Robin to the U.S.’s Batman."
Okay, so Cuba is obviously the Joker in this analogy, but who is Catwoman? Mexico or Venezuela?
La Dominicana?
What about La Dominatrix?
If you are casting Lupe Fuentes (note: searching Google for her will be NSFW) for this role, I'm game.
Hm; someone who the US alternates between fighting and fucking on a regular basis when he isn't secretly sexing Superman (come on guys, we all know what's going on between you two, you don't have to hide it); maybe France?
Haiti.
I think England is Alfred the Butler.
I do not think there is enough ketamine in the world to clear the mental image of Hugo Chavez in a catsuit that popped into my head upon reading your post. Damn you.
My work here is done.
I think then that the U.N. must be NAMBLA.
The US is Bertie Wooster, but there's no Jeeves.
The American right is really going trying to turn back the clock if they want to revive the tradition of killing the messenger.
I think there's likely a bunch of covert types circle-jerking over how to just disappear him. If they actually get the guy, and parade him around, his hacker minions are going to flush out every little thing they can find.
Frankly, I'm morbidly curious to see what he has on BofA. How much worse could it be than what we already know?
Probably he *will* disappear into the torture gulag,once Britain or Sweden turn him over to the US. G-d forbid we learn that Mrs. Clinton has a big ass and no fashion sense or that US grunts have "liberated" a sh*t-load of civilians of their lives and limbs.
Are we sure he isn't already dead? I mean, look at his cadaverous heavy-lidded aspect, his oniony, translucent skin.
Bill Maher after a bleach treatment.
You are right. He's got the big ears, too.
Anderson Cooper after a two-month drinking binge.
Let's just hope nobody hangs the DJ.
Wonkette seems to be one of the very few blogs where commenters routinely drop Smith's refs.
Even if we're not all gay, there's still the mutual love of BUTTSECKS.
Death threats for what? Managing a user-content driven website? I haz a cornfused.
Embarrassing America. We were doing a good enough job on our own, dammit! Which is why Princess Palin and some Canadian (Canada? Really? There must be some really nasty shit about Molsen Golden in there somewhere if the fucking Canucks are calling for a Predator Drone strike. Or Tom Flanagan is the Karl Rove of Canada) called for his assassination.
For telling conservatives they were wrong. They can't stand that.
Telling the truth and shaming the devil. It's always fatal.
I'm thinking Putin/Medvedev is more Batman/Bat-mite.
Fearless Leader/Boris&Natasha
Do they wear those sexy tights the ORIGINAL Batman and Robin wore. Adam West's package was very impressive.
Well they already gave him the Scott Ritter treatment (irresistible jailbait cutie who turns out to be a cop, who'da thunk it). If that doesn't take him down, he should probably stay indoors a lot. Apparently those drones go anywhere "we" want them to.
My advice: don't go out for tea with any russians if you are radiation-averse.
Also, release the gift certificate!!!
Rape? Really? I'm sorry, but this guy doesn't look like he could pull a sick whore off the piss-pot, much less commit a forceable rape. Some other kind of rape, maybe. Like ripping he Hymen off of some pristine secrets which our Government did not want to give up. Shit, she was asking for it. Have you notice the way she was prancing around the Globe showing her stuff to anybody and everybody? Such a tease, always with the Drones, never letting loose with the Nukes. USA, prick teaser to the World!
…asking for it indeed, bitch!
I would have raped her myself! Who wouldn't?
"Some other kind of rape, maybe"
Supposedly the condom broke and he didn't stop at once.
Happened to me, I didn't know it until it was over; I was in the Bathroom preparing to take a leak. Sounds fishy to me, but so much today does.
poor dear. there's no safe place to run, so safe place to hide, no safe way to remain in the open. it's just a matter of time before the contractors drop by.
yeah, look what we did with bin laden. A pasty white guy in England doesn't stand a chance!
bin laden got away because the bushies let him get away. they couldn't nab him and still push the doctrine of forever war. now he's hiding out in the tribal areas on the pakistani side of the border, good for business all around. the obamites can't get him because if there's one lesson to be learned from jfk's assassination, it's that you don't fuck with those who profit from the forever war. you could be crossing the street and get hit by a car or something.
Wow, you seem somewhat cynical on the subject of why our nation does or does not kill people. Are you really Randolph Bourne?
that is not my identity.
Is this what you're referring to, 'War is the Health of the State'? http://www.bopsecrets.org/CF/bourne.htm
"The moment war is declared, however, the mass of the people, through some spiritual alchemy, become convinced that they have willed and executed the deed themselves. They then, with the exception of a few malcontents, proceed to allow themselves to be regimented, coerced, deranged in all the environments of their lives, and turned into a solid manufactory of destruction toward whatever other people may have, in the appointed scheme of things, come within the range of the Government’s disapprobation."
Would Silvio Berlusconi be The Penguin?
No, Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy.
Having Bunga-Bunga time with his henchmen, no less! Hweh-hweh hweh hweh!
Not metaphorically. He actually is the Penguin. The richest, most depraved penguin on earth.
Also, that's what he calls his junk.
Wouldn't that be funny if we found out where he was exactly in this universe via Wikileaks?
Can we get Boehner to loan this clown some spray tan? The pasty. It burns.
It is the classic definition of a "Diplomatic Crisis" that government officials and the press is all in a tizzy about a person posting a bunch of documents that simply confirm everything we already know…, well, other than the Foreign Service sees everything through the eyes of DC Comics/ Joel Schumacher Movies. Now if only we could find the cables that define each Middle Eastern country by which character in St. Elmo's Fire they are most like.
you're such a monica! Sorry, I don't really remember st. e's f.
Nor does most of the cast, from what I understand.
Consider yourself lucky.
No kidding. If these elite members of the Diplomatic Corps spent more time doing whatever it is diplomats are supposed to be doing, and less time writing thoughtful "cables" full of Creative Writing 101 touches about rumors they heard at cocktail receptions they attend every night, we might not be so hated around the world.
Well, sure we would. So maybe they could at least issue visas or something useful.
Note that US ambassadors are usually donors who are even more clueless. The current British ambassador is some Chicago real estate tycoon who gave O. a lot of money early in the campaign.
He might be a pasty fucker, but he's got balls.
Pasty balls.
schweddy balls?
Even now Banksy is painting Assange doppelgangers on all the walls of London
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-grandmother...
His mother seems nice…
I'm waiting to hear more about what Sarah Palin thinks before forming an opinion about this.
Alaskunt already Twatted that Assange committed treason, and blamed Obamar, of course, comparing his failure to her own success at embargoing advance copies of her latest contribution to the literary canon.
I'm guessing that revealing that US diplomats secretly referred to Putin as an "alpha dog" and Batman probably did more to put us in Russia's good graces that we might think.
I doubt that Putin the Chekist had any illusions about the US, it's pols or diplomats.
I have an unpleasant hunch that old age is not something Mr. Assange needs to worry about.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure an Australian accent would go unnoticed in the East End.
Actually, it probaby would. The whole of London is knee-deep in Strine.
South London, I'm told.
Assange probably isn't in danger from any national governments who've been embarrassed by the latest cable explosion — they know that private correspondence is always a lot more earthy (and factual) than the diplomatic mush that's handed out for public consumption. Revealing what's in the deep dank cellars of Bank of America, on the other hand, might just get a serious price on his head.
I don't think even BaldarTFlagass has pointed that one out. I would have done so ages ago, but as I watch my penis-points total continue to plummet no matter how many people thumbs-up my rants, I fear submitting anything. Even this.
No, I learned my lesson on them damn alt-texts. And I generally try to read through all comments before making my own now, in order that I may avoid the embarrassment of repetition.
But I would have left alone the obviousness of the Beavis-and-Buttheadability of Assange's name, regardless. Huh-huh.
I knoweth not. Clues, anyone?
They seek him here they seek him there
these f****ups seek him everywhere
Is he in England, in Germany?-
That demned, elusive Assange…..
Sink me, if you aren't right.
Nice reference, thought it makes me think Assange should have considered using a Scarlet Pimpernel-esque alias from the beginning. Americans like cartoon/superhero characters so much more than boring old whistleblowers.
Hey, loyal Wonquitoes always read the alt-text, wherein a joke on this subject has already been made and then mocked, with admirable economy.
Hell, I've gotten to the point where I run the cursor over pics on other websites now, before realizing I'm not going to receive the funny.
This can lead to some mildly disappointed moments at MakeBelieveLesbosOnParade.com.
a pox on that assange! may he be smitten by the scabies and scurvey, mangy dog!
oh and is john mccain an expert on EVERYTHING? the military, the gays therein and now surveys / sampling research that are 'flawed'?
tool.
John Laroquette 25 years ago could play him in the movie, don't you think?
I thought Daniel Radcliffe is playing him in the movie, and it's now in theatres.
Scientific Poll Time:
Who is creepier:
1. Tom DeLay
2. Sarah Palin
3. Julian Assange
4. Jeffrey Dahmer
I'm voting for Assange. The guy is out of range on my Weird Meter.
John Wayne Gacy, JC member and serial killer. Probably a Republican, too.
Well, A. probably isn't in it for the money. That's un-American in itself.
The sexual assaut charges against Assange are very fishy, lending support to his contention charges are being drummed up by governments angry about Wikileaks simply to smear him:
http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/11/assange-...
rfeed&utm_medium=twitter
Summary: Two Swedish women allege sexual encounters that started off
consensual but became non-consensual. Assange offered to discuss matters
with prosecutors while in Sweden, was rebuffed and granted travel
permission, and has since offered to discuss matters with prosecutors
remotely from England. Prosecutors insist he must return to Sweden.
Meanwhile, Interpol has put out a request for info about Assange, although
no arrest warrant. Interpol does not normally handle individual cases of
sexual assault.
An interesting analysis follows from a Slash-dot commentator who appears
to have a legal background:
The whole situation is very unusual. Even if you assume that Assange did
suddenly decide, during consensual sex, to carry out a non-consensual act,
the issue of prosecution is on shaky ground. The vast majority of rape
accusations never make it to court, and the vast majority of those are found
"not guilty" (the figure is something like 95% of accused either do not get
to court, or walk away free). For a successful prosecution there has to be
more evidence than "she says she didn't consent, he says she did". The whole
legal issue of being able to predicate consent and retroactively withdraw
consent (e.g. consent based on unstated predicate of shared ethnicity
[guardian.co.uk]) is fraught with difficulties for a successful prosecution.
For a prosecutor to pursue a case, based only on the allegation, is unusual
enough. For a prosecutor to issue a request for Interpol intervention, with
a view to extraditing a foreigner from a 3rd party country, is highly
unusual. For a prosecutor to do this, after the Chief Prosecutor has already
stated that the alleged suspect is "no longer wanted" and "is not suspected
of rape" and is free to leave the country, is very odd indeed.
Note also that the Interpol notice is apparently not an international arrest
warrant – it is just a request for information: "The Interpol notice is not
an international arrest warrant but the public is asked to contact police
with any information about Mr Assange's whereabouts." [bbc.co.uk]. Putting
out such a notice is bizarre, given that the Prosecutor is in contact with
Assange's legal counsel in London, and that Assange has agreed to meet at
either the Swedish Embassy or Scotland Yard. The prosecutor wants "more
information" about him, but is already in contact, and can arrange a meeting
in person or via video conference at the headquarters of the Metropolitan
Police in London, but instead chooses the Interpol route? This is not normal
for a sex crimes case with only alleged victim testimony and no other
evidence. If you or I had unprotected sex with a girl, and she subsequently
said her consent had been predicated on use of a condom, the case would
never go to court. Certainly it would never become an international police
issue. There is the issue of there maybe being two alleged victims, but
apparently only one actually complained to the police? I guess we will find
out what really happened – if the case ever makes it to court.
Nice writing. Short version: If these two chicks are wannabe hookers this becomes the biggest laugh since …"I did not have sex with that woman…er..Monica."
In all honesty, what did Assange expect would happen? They had time to plan. What did he do during that time?
He was too busy banging hot Swedish chix.
He must have thought it'd end like in the movies, where the handsome hero brings the truth to light and basks in glory as the credits roll.
hot Swedish chix
Although, at this point, if he was to meet an untimely demise there would be a lot of questions asked. Maybe not answered, but they would certainly be asked.
It's not rare that a man be braver than sensible. Think of Audie Murphey.
Just for what ifs…. what if Assange,,,no Oxford scholar, but passionate about governmental abuses found that reading about them wasn't as fun as having everybody read them. What if his plan was always what it is… (Like a Seinfeld plot)
nothing! Remember his folks are show folks. They never know what to do after a performance. (I think he should open a restaurant called 'Julian's with caricactures of Di[plomats all over the walls. Who knows? An agent might show up?
For a prosecutor to do this, after the Chief Prosecutor has already
stated that the alleged suspect is "no longer wanted," is very odd indeed.
Double indeed! I'm "no longer wanted" in many a bedroom but no one's phoning Interpol about it.
Ya gotta love the United States. When the Apache helicopter tape was released in April and the Afghanistan war logs were released in July, there was hardly a blip except among the liberal political junkies. No one seemed to be concerned that we were mowing down Reuters reporters and children from helicopters like the heroes in Medal of Honor.
But, ooooooh, SNAP! We can't have diplomatic bureaucrats embarrassed by the shit they put in emails, now, can we????? Kill Assange! Kill him now! One of Harper's goons calls for assassination? Really, Canada? Really?
This nation is fucked on the horse it rode in on. And the rest of the hand-wringing eunuchs around the world doing the CIA's dirty work–rape! well, not really…. But he said he'd call me the next day but he didn't! the condom broke and he wouldn't stop! how much will you pay me, big boy??– deserve some Gitmo love American style.
Assange is the kick in the junk that we need from time to time. If he was just a noisy asshole, why do most of the world's governments want to kill him? (At least he's rattling some chains.)
Yo, Julian, Imma let you finish, but Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher had the best looks ever.
Is there any doubt?
Quick…make a list of great Australian political leaders… Did you know Assange is from there?
Noted.
and thank you for the tip. i've downloaded his essay and hope to read it when i'm not busy dicking around on wonkette while pretending to do my job.
You know what’s even a bigger career-destroying time-waster than wanking around all day on our Wonkette? Looking at your own IntenseDebate summary page to see how many thumbs and comments your own remarks have elicited. Helpful hint on the road to unemployment: the email notification system isn’t perfect, and doesn’t notify you at all about comments on comments of others on your comments. But I suspect you may already know this.
Thumbs up for being me.
I'm so vain
I probly think this post is about me
I'm so vaaaaain!
Gah! I was wanking around in my Intense Debate page trying to figure out why my P-score dropped when my condom broke and now I'm afraid of the Swedish sex cops putting Interpol all over my ass. Man, it just never lets up!
From you keyboard to NSA’s data-miners to the FBI, where your unpatriotic thoughts will languish until needed or forgotten.
Comments on this entry are closed.