Kentucky Governor Announces Plans To Build New Noah’s Ark

  coonskin imagineers

Giant child not included. That's another theme park.There are press releases and then there are press releases: “FRANKFORT, Ky.— Governor Steve Beshear today joined the Ark Encounter LLC to announce the planned construction of a full-scale Noah’s Ark tourist attraction in northern Kentucky.” Of course! Get all the state’s most important officials over there. This is going to be big. IT’S GOING TO NEED SOME ANIMALS SO STOP SHOOTING AND DEEP-FRYING THEM ALL, KENTUCKY. This new theme park will also include “a replica of the Tower of Babel with exhibits, a 500-seat 5-D special effects theater, an aviary, and a first-century Middle Eastern village.” This is obviously the most important thing Kentucky has done since inventing the horse.

So, another Creationist theme park. Despite their glee, Kentucky must be careful to exercise the separation of church and state.

Developers are seeking state tax incentives under the Kentucky Tourism Development Act. If they qualify — and Beshear indicated they would — they could receive as much as $37.5 million in incentives.

Perfect. Don’t worry, libruls. Kentucky has thought about this. This theme park is very much a for-profit endeavor and ABSOLUTELY no money will go to, say, helping the poor, so it’s all good. Just business. [Kentucky Governor/Louisville Courier-Journal]

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218 comments

  1. horsedreamer_1

    We already have a more than fit Noah's Ark Water-park at the Dells in my homestate. Sorry, then, Kentucky, your more literal interpretation will not be getting any of my money.

      1. DebC2

        What? I thought AZ was the busta brown state. Drive with yer papers or feel
        sheriff joe's big ugly boot up your ass. All this plus pink shorts!

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      every time I feel sorry for being from Indiana I thank GAWD I'm not from Kentucky! (oh, and OT but Bitch McConnell can take his childish little threats and shove 'em up his wrinkled/ turtled ass! also)

    2. Negropolis

      No, no. Thank God for Mississippi, as they say.

      Kentucky only tops the rest of the nation in the number of folks with bad teeth.

    1. Negropolis

      Morgan is too "very, very urban" to be God. Now, Rock Hudson, that's a God. Wait; he was what? Oh. Really? Oh. OK, give it to Jimmy Stewart then.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Cue the anti-government right wing tirades against religion depending on Kentucky when they should be depending on The LORD. Hello? Anyone?

  3. twogoats

    I am worried about the Tower of Babel replica. Wont it encourage people to talk in lots of different funny ferren languages?

    1. BarryOPotter

      Tomorrow, after NASA introduces Zaphod Bebblebrox to us carbon-based monkey men, we'll all be given copies of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and babblefish will be inserted into our ears, so no more 'ferrin languages! Either that, or NASA will be announcing what they found in the basement of a Vogon government building, in which, the point is moot.

    2. Grief_Lessons

      If you consider what happened to the builders of the original tower, we should be encouraging these fine Kentuckians to build their replica on a 1:1 scale.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        I won't be impressed until there's a Sodom and Gomorrah exhibit… featuring real live sodomy.

          1. MaxNeanderthal

            …And I want to make this absolutely clear, no-one is to throw any stones until I say so, even if they DO say "Jehovah"….

            PS, There aren't any women here are there?………

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They could do an Ecclesiastes exhibit too, but the line would be long and you would have to wait a while for your turn, turn, turn.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    If they're gonna build a replica of the Tower of Babel, they'd better kick all the muslims out of the country first so they don't fly a replica airliner into it.

    1. Ruhe

      What's interesting about you comment is that it's funny here and it will be funny when I use it when in the company of the typical Creation Museum patrons around here. There can't be too many jokes that work both ways like that.

      1. twogoats

        My son brought back T-shirts from China with Obama shown as the young Mao. Works like that; irony for our urban friends, "right on" for my rural rellies. Probably from stock made in China by commie serfs for export to T-baggers all to profit the new Chinese elite.

        It's a wonderful world.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I can see Jesus riding a Tyrannosaurus for about two seconds before he became the last supper.

  5. FNMA

    Do the dinosaurs get to ride on the boat this time?
    A Tyrannosaurus Rex would be very cool, biting the heads off tourists and threatening Jeff Goldblum…-

  6. TimeCubist

    The bourbon rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the bourbon.

  7. Fare la Volpe

    5-D special effects theater

    What does this even mean? They're going to get Mister Mxyzptlk in on this? Because this sounds like some bullshit he'd pull off.

    And if that's the case, if I trick Mitch McConnell into saying his own name backwards, will he disappear?

    1. Crank_Tango

      I am guessing the 4th D is time, and the 5th D, well that's your dad's and it's what's for dinner.
      Yes, a Kentucky incest joke, thankyouverymuch.

      1. SorosBot

        When you think about it, technically most movies are in three dimensions, and the "3D" movies are really in four dimensions; everyone just forgets about time.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      It means that there will be an endless audio loop playing, consisting of "Up Up and Away," "Age of Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," "Wedding Bell Blues," and "Last Night (I Didn't Get to Sleep at All)."

      1. TimeCubist

        Gah, Saturday afternoon at the parental homestead, ca. 1970 … I see your Fifth Dimension, and raise you the Ray Conniff Singers.

      2. V572625694

        Age of Aquarius? What kind of non-Xtian heathen pseudo-science do you think this fine, fine attraction is going to allow?

        And Laura Nyro — seriously? We barely got out of that era alive.

      1. iburl

        I was thinking it was 3-D + time + a "Kentucky Backrub", which usually involves the booty and/or junk. At this point it might also include Aqua Buddha.

    3. kuzulicious

      I think it means that the special effects are so awesome they spontaneously add a fourth spatial dimension to this pustule of the multiverse. The physicists are going to be pissed when they have to redo everything.

      1. kuzulicious

        Damn, I thought it was just other universes who had those extras. I need to read more better, yes?

          1. kuzulicious

            Oh dear. It seems I need to shore up my physics quite a bit. Thank you kindly for the information.

            Also: <insert string theory joke here>

    4. Starfish

      The bigger the number the awesomer it must be!!1!111!!!

      It doesn't have to make sense, this is Kentucky, home of the Creation Museum, where dinosaurs wear saddles and coexist peacefully with homo sapiens.

      I have to have a drink now.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Take a few minutes to catch up. We'll wait…

            So this just proves that it's an organized Brightbulb attack. If metamarcisf's pee now equals mine while all about us are losing theirs, the invisible pee-drinkers obviously have a strategy.

          2. twogoats

            Some of us are having a reverse bragging rights contest over who lost the most P-points. OneWhoWanders and TrailerTrash are in on this.

            Of course now it appears our Ps may simply have disappeared into the 5th Dimension.

    5. Preferred Customer

      The false prophecy of 3 dimensions comes from the secular humanist liberal scientist media.

    6. BerkeleyBear

      Sadly, I've actually been to a "5D" experience at an air museum somewhere in the Heart (attack) land. I can't be certain, but it may have been Michigan.

      It's a 3D movie plus seat motion and (gasp) water/smoke effects as far as a I remember. So not really so much 5D as 3 lame ass technologies brought together. I've been on similar "experiences" in different configurations at amusement parks and even the Canadian side of Niagara Falls with the kiddies, but only the lamest attractions sell the 5D angle.

        1. Preferred Customer

          Won't work. There's no Bible citation available. You'd have to use science textbooks, which as we all know are written by Lucifer Himself.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Unfortunately, someone may have tried to 'splain phase space to these rubes.

        Because there are only so many words in English (not counting Kltpzyxm), we sometimes re-use them. Hence, the "dimensions" of phase space (of which there can be very, very many). Occasionally, people try to be more precise by referring to "physical dimensions" — all 11 of them — but it's really too late.

        I just wait for 8-D Pron, where the 8th D is a BJ.

  8. user-of-owls

    You want to strangle this project in its crib? Spread the word around Kentucky that a cubit is part of the metric system.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      You continue to be brighter than I. Fist up, whatever devalued worth that has in these days of pee-instability.

  9. SorosBot

    The Governor must have gotten jealous that Arizona and South Carolina had moved so far ahead in the dumbest state competition.

  10. Radiotherapy

    Shouldn't this farce be in ARKansas? Just saying. Really, these christards need to work on their marketing.

    1. V572625694

      The Arkantards already have Christ of the Ozarks, which you should wikipede just see how fugly a devotional work can be.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Look, if we're going to go comparing the nasty nature of public religious works, we can't overlook things like the random Bald Knob Cross in Illinois, which is just 11 stories of craptastic.

          1. deelzebub

            You're right. That is way more of a What The Fuck eyesore than the Bald Knob Cross in Effingham, Illinois.

          2. DashboardBuddha

            I don't know how much more of this I can take…

            From the website:

            Climb Ten Commandments Mountain!
            Experience The All Nations Cross!
            Mountain Prayer Chapel
            See Or Get Baptized In The Baptismal Pool!
            See Golgotha!
            Go Inside Jesus' Tomb!
            Visit The Psalms Of Praise!
            Hike The Nature Trails!
            Climb To The Top & Pray Atop Prayer Mtn!
            Delicious Burger Mountain Cafe!
            Hidden Treasures Gift Shop!
            View Each Picnic Area!
            View The Duck Pond!
            & MUCH MUCH MORE!

            See where and how Jesus died…and don't forget the DUCK POND?!

            Delicious Burger Mountain Cafe?!

            Ok, kids, where do you want to eat your delicious burgers…across from Jesus' Tomb or Golgotha?

            Jesus' Tomb! Jesus' Tomb! Yaaaay!

      2. Radiotherapy

        Tx, V…I think…That thing is on Magnetic Mountain. Holy Gauss. And Jeebus sho' does have the nice boobs. I hope there are no ants crawling on his holiness. Really, the whole page is a delight. It's got Jew-hatin', and the KKK, and art criticism.
        I'll consider it my chanukah present.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          I like the nicknames. Milk Carton with Wings should be Milk Carton Jesus: Have you seen this savior?

      3. Chet Kincaid

        Wow, that took me down an interesting Wiki-P path of learning. So basically, the guy who put up that thing took over Huey Long's Share Our Wealth program (which was as commie-red as a brassbound liberal's ass) and turned it into a white supremacist, Nazi-symp organization, then moved to Arkansas to be the Walt Disney of "Fun"-dumb-mentalism.

        No really, read this shit and discover what gets a politician assassinated in this God-forsaken country: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Share_Our_Wealth

        1. Radiotherapy

          Alright Chet, I'll bite.
          The sad part about learning is sobering up. No one from anywhere across the political spectrum could even propose one of the provisions on that plan today and not be burned at the stake. Although, aside from the religious crap, I hardly disagree with any of it. That is how far the political discourse has moved right and the populace has been indoctrinated into the fear of Socialism — or browns or "liberalism" or tax hikes or whatever.

        2. ShaveTheWhales

          It's probably worth remembering that Huey's deal was Share Our Wealth Among the White Guys. A good bit of that was implicit, but, you know, Louisiana?

  11. Ruhe

    I live about three miles from the Creation Museum so I should have something pithy to say about this…ok, how about this: fifteen years till my youngest heads off to college then it's back to Chicago for me.

    1. PublicLuxury

      You think the schools are 'safer' in KY. It depends on what you define as dangerous. I fear Christians and southern baptist more than most homies. The homies will tag your fence, steal your car, offer drugs to your children, and possibly mug you. But, they can grow out of it. The Christians in Kentucky are after nothing less than dominance. They will tell you the kind of sex you have and with who, the kind of relationship you will be in, how to raise your child, what your child will learn in public school, how your child and you view people of different religions and races. . . The homies are a better bet.

      Run. Run away. Run for your life and the your child's life! 'Cause the Christians are comin'

  12. GravyBoyJohnson

    i'd pay good money to see how two of each animal in the world and abunch of christian retards crammed on some ark get along. it could be like real world meets when animals attack!

    1. PublicLuxury

      Yes. Yes! Well thought out Gravy. Christians and Lions. It will become the newest Mattel board game re-enactment DVD interactive Wii.

      Go ahead and smoke some moar of that Blue Grass you inbred dorks.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Can we bring our own donations to the menagerie? Because I'd hate for them to forget cobras, black mambas, tsetse flies, plague lice and a few other choice species.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Aw, heck, Eric Cantor will be more than welcome, as long as he doesn't act too Jewy while he's there.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    Coupla questions:

    - Does anyone in Kentucky know how long a cubit is?

    - Does anyone in Kentucky realize that the Christians (and Jews and Arabs) already cut down all the gopher wood? Ain't no wood left to build an ark.

    - Does anyone in Kentucky realize just how bad chicken-fried giraffe really is?

  14. slithytovesss

    I hope they don't neglect to build a garden with naked people in it. And snakes. Snakes and naked people.

  15. Bluestatelibel

    $37.5 million of guv'mint monies to build a God park? God makes his own parks. Go visit the Grand Canyon instead, less chessy.

    1. GOPCrusher

      That was my first response. Where the hell did Kentucky get 37.5 million bucks to be giving away? Maybe they ought to be putting that money into something like education or law enforcement to target meth manufacturers. Or maybe a public dental hygiene program.

  16. PeaceWithHonor

    On a similar note, the big fiberglass dinosaurs near Palm Springs house a creationist/toy gun gift shop.

    1. SorosBot

      Hint: there's a sniper in the mouth of the T-Rex statue who, thanks to a bug, is probably the most powerful companion.

    1. JustPixelz

      Please don't let any Palins in the ark. WAIT! Better idea — tell ALL the Palins they've been chosen for the ark. Then just kinda let it drift away and walk in the other direction whistling.

  17. Ancient_Hackery

    Are they going to show Noah working 3,472 hours a day, feeding and watering the animals? Oh, forgot, another 2,177 hours per day hauling out manure.

    I especially want to see how they explain how Noah collected all 830,000 species of insects only found in Brazil. That's a whole passel of catchin' and cagin', there fella.

    1. JustPixelz

      You believe scientists!?!? HA HA HA. <<< laughing AT you.

      Bible says two of every species will fit on the ark. 'Nuff said.

      1. SorosBot

        I also wonder how they were supposed to deal with the microscopic animals; fitting wouldn't be a problem, but being sure you had them or even knowing they existed would have been a big issue pre-microscope. And what happened with the plants and fungi? Bacteria, Archaea and protists? Well at least the ones that live in animals/plants and the extremophile Archaeas would be OK.

        1. jim89048

          Gonna make some heads asplode, if they start in to thinking about the possibility that some o' them critters might've maybe not made it onto the ark, but evolved later?

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Interestingly, there are Noah's Ark websites that explain that Noah only had to bring prototypes; the subsequent diversity was due to (incredibly rapid) speciation.

      This is from people who, in other contexts, contend that speciation is impossible and has never been observed.

  18. SudsMcKenzie

    " A massive replica of Noah's Ark stretching three stories high and the distance of two football fields " . Finally a ship wrong way McCain could actually land on.

  19. DeeJayKitteh

    I personally think it's a great idea. Now we just have to find a way to push it into the ocean once all the morons are on it.

    1. HistoriCat

      Just make sure everyone has a nice oil lamp – it gets dark in the lower levels you know. And make sure the animals have plenty of dry straw!

      Safety regulations? There's nothing about safety regulations in the Bible …

  20. PublicLuxury

    Will they have real live Mooooslins in the "First Century Middle Eastern Village"? If not, where will they find people that are the right color?

    1. Preferred Customer

      Arizona. All those people detained under SB 1070 have to go somewhere. AZ pays KY, KY gets workers for its theme park…it's a win-win.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Hey, now, weren't no Muslims in the First Century. Sure, there weren't any fat ass white people with rascals either, but that's besides the point.

      Actually, I'd like them to import some Druze and Coptic Christians just to watch the Southern Baptists freak the fuck out.

  21. timbo71351

    This thing ain't any more gonna get built.
    But if it does, the rubes who show up there should be sterilized.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    If they really love Jesus, they'll build it without a roof so no true believers will be trapped against the ceiling when the Rapture comes.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        It works for every Christian building, too. It's like they'd rather be warm and dry than have eternal life.

  23. weejee

    ♪♫ I don' care if it rains or freezes
    Long as I got my plastic Jeebus
    Riding on the con of my sweet ark
    Floodz 'n splashin' don' upset me
    Long as I've nailed a magnetic Mary
    Firmly on the con of my sweet ark ♫♪

    Yes folks for just $14.95 (mumbled pluz shippin' 'n handlin') you can have the entire Holy family with you when you ride the ark…

  24. Texan_Bulldog

    Just wonder who they're going to hire to play the parts. Since corn syrup, Cheetos & Yoo Hoo weren't invented in Noah's time, they going to have a hard time finding people who won't need Barnum & Bailey tent-sized robes for costumes.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Eugenics over perceived mental deficiency – not a good idea then, not a good idea now. Too much eye of the beholder shit.

      Still, crap like this does make you wish Darwinism worked faster and/or we could somehow make functional intelligence (which the subject of Buck v . Bell almost certainly had) a requirement of natural selection.

  25. prommie

    Its no worse than Jim and Tammy Fay's christian mall and amusement park, with the cute little miniature apartment for the christian midgets and everything.

  26. Redhead

    But where are their plans for the swim-with-aqua-Buddha tank? Rand Paul's not going to be happy…

  27. WhatTheHeck

    Whatever floats yer boat, I say. But how in hell's bells are they gonna get it to rain fer 40 days and 40 nights?

  28. Mort_Sinclair

    If only there were a scalpel large enough to excise Kentucky like the virulent, malignant tumor it is. Ugh.

  29. Ruhe

    When you get to the end of the pathway through the Ark, maybe just before you get to the gift shop, do you pass by a room where you can peek in and see Noah drunk and half naked?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      And getting busy with his two daughters. Oh wait, this is Kentucky we're talking about. Move along, nothing to see here.

  30. AlaskaGrrl

    Five D??? Is that like, d' mullet, d'tramp stamp, d'pickup truck, d'six pack, d'squirril brain sandwich?

  31. Wilcoxyz

    I hope Rand Paul will do the right thing (besides drawing up an earmark for this AquaBuddha water park) and make sure it is exempted from the Americans with Disabilities Act. It's too expensive, and not godly, to build an elevator to the second floor of an arc. Plus, the seat of a wheelchair is a floatation device, right?

  32. hagajim

    STEVE"Wha's whoze dat" IT'S GOD STEVE "Oh Lordy Lordy am I gonna to Heaven?" NO STEVE – I WANT YOU TO BUILD ME AN ARK "But Lord, we don't haz no Aardvarks here – they's all in Texas." NO STEVE YOU STUPID PUTZ – I SAID AN ARK LIKE NOAH'S "But Lord, Noah is my brother and uncle and he gots no Ark…" NO STEVE I WANT YOU TO BUILD AN ARK LIKE IN THE BIBLE – DUMB ASS HILLBILLY Oh – sure thingy Lord…whatever youse wants. I best find someone to help me caust I'm not sure what an Ark is." The End

  33. 4TheTurnstiles

    This building stuff is alright when you got the time on your hands, but deep down… they'd rather be fuckin' in the butt. Just have to keep that on the down-low, Bubba.

  34. MadBrahms

    How is this story not paired with "House GOP Ends Climate Change Committee"? Way to think ahead, Kentucky!

  35. MaxNeanderthal

    Red states all looking like they're heading for the world of "The handmaids tale" with the pedal to the metal……………

  36. Steverino247

    The only good thing about building this kind of crap is that every so often, someone will wake up and realize you can't put all those animals in a ship that small and the faith goes away. However, these dolts usually explain that away by saying God miracled their asses up that obstacle. That excuse has been thrown at me before by those clowns.

    My response usually runs along the lines of: "Well then why didn't God figure out how to miracle the people back into compliance so he didn't have to drown them? What did the other animals do to be drowned? Why did God favor fish and aquatic mammals over those creatures that lived on the land? What did newborn infants do to deserve being drowned in the Flood?"

    1. WhatTheHeck

      I’ve got your answer, Stevo. God says he is a vengeful and jealous god and just likes destroying stuff. As for saving all the marine life, god needed them to eat up all the drowned corpses.

        1. Oblios_Cap

          It's my understanding that Noah was really Dr. Who and the Ark was really the TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside.

  37. Worthly Wokette Skum

    For $37 mil, wouldn't 1,000 of those new Army Destructo-Blasters be a better way to bring Christianity to the infidels?

  38. JackObin

    Fuck Ibiza. I'm heading to Kentucky for vacation. Just think of all the lard-assed halfwits I'll encounter.

  39. ttommyunger

    I can hear poor Noah now: "I have just about enough of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking Ark!"

  40. Neilist

    One of you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM call me when it's Open Season on unicorns again, would you?

    Oh, or the passenger pigeon or the dodo.

    (Another side of baked whooping crane, anyone?)

  41. ttommyunger

    I can hear poor Noah now: "I've just about had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking Ark!"

  42. snarkycomments

    When I saw this posted next to the article on the House ending the Climate Change committee my first thought was, "wow! way to plan ahead Mr. Kentucky Governor, when those seas rise you'll be ready."

    Then I found out it was a theme park….

  43. jim89048

    This makes me sad that all my fambly out in Beaver Lick KY have raptured already, so I have no more reason to visit that state.

  44. Negropolis

    I want to remind you guys that this is what passes for a Democrat in Kentucky. Steve Beshear is a Democrat. He's also from a long line of Primative Baptists. Yes, that's an actual thing. They make the Southern Baptist look down-right sophisticated and liturgical.

    Can we now officially confirm that "Kentucky Democrat" is an oxymoron?

  45. Mindblank

    I hear they are considering putting it in the Kentucky river valley and renaming the place Noah Vale.

  46. Terry

    So, what exactly is a 5-D special effects theater?

    Three dimensions are height, width, and depth. A fourth dimension is time. What's the fifth one? Some kind of seeeekrit fundy thing?

  47. SecretMuslin

    I was born in Kentucky. To everyone here, my heartfelt apologies for the dumbassed-ness that defines that state.

  48. OldRedneck

    Let's see — the Creation Museum and now, a little north, the Noah's Ark Museum.

    What's next — a Resurrection Museum? I can see it now — every hour on the hour, the stone rolls back and a mechanized Jesus (you know, like the animals in Disneyland) emerges from the tomb to the amazement of all.

    Just wait — I'm not kidding.

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