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RedState: It’s Time To Ban Muslim Immigration

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The first terrorists.RedState has come up with a fun, new, very academic policy idea: Let’s stop letting Muslims immigrate here! That will solve all of the problems on the problems list, such as economy and fetus death. “By now it is evident to all but the most brassbound liberals, incorrigible in their refusal to face hard facts, that Islam contains within it a sizeable faction of determined men whose politics derive from the warmaking doctrines of the Jihad. Wherever Islam is, this faction will be also.” All groups of people have a few bad apples. (Who eventually turn into violent bad-apple cider? Sorry, that’s a dumb cliche.) But Islam’s bad apples are Muslim, so they shouldn’t be allowed to be Americans, according to America’s official blog, RedState. Plus, there are lots of other fun rules the government should enact to control current Muslim Americans!

RedState points to a list of new rules that should guide policy-makers. Pay close attention, because these are very wonky:

4. Require all Islamic literature, books and websites originating in the United States to be communicated in English. The use of Arabic will not be forbidden, but requiring English translations will make public advocacy of jihad and sharia more difficult to hide.

Gotcha, Muslims! Americans may not know much, but they do know how to read English! Sort of!

8. Notify all businesses, private institutions, schools and local agencies that anti-discrimination laws do not require accommodating the religious practices of Muslim employees, customers, associates or volunteers.

Playing keep-away with a fellow employee’s headscarf is an important team-building exercise.

A constitutional amendment is a good idea

It certainly is. That First Amendment has gotten a big head now that it thinks it can allow Musliming.

Finally, there are things you can do:

3. Discriminate. If you are an employer, find a way not to hire Islamists or potential Islamists. […]

4. Censor. If you have responsibilities for a place that sells, displays, or makes available religious literature – anywhere from a campus bookstore to a public library to a private conference room – make the Islamic stuff disappear […]

Sponsored Intermission

6. Christianize. Islam is ascendant because Christianity is in retreat. The resulting secularism leaves a spiritual vacuum, and the most aggressive religious views will inevitably fill the void. Secularism has neither the resources nor the political will to effectively oppose Islam: a restoration of Christian culture is necessary. Learn your Christian faith and especially its history vis-à-vis Islam. If you’re a young man or woman, get married and have lots of Christian children.

How did the Founding Fathers forget to put this crap in all the big documents? These rules are important and will finally allow America to become America. [RedState/What’s Wrong with the World (exactly!)]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    And how about camps for the ones who are already here?

    Arbeit Macht Frei!

    • V572625694

      Sorry, Dearborn MI. Since you're all unemployed anyway, we're retroceding you to Canada.

      • horsedreamer_1

        As long as we can keep that harlot Muslin Miss USA.

    • glindsey1979

      Just make the head-scarf the new symbol of slavery. The Bible condones slavery, right? AND it will help the whole unemployment situation too also! Problem solved!

    • GeoffPeterson

      and make them where little crescents so we can tell who they are.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      You do realize, this will just lead to us having to give them reparations, which is what these Urban folks wanted in the first place.

    • ttommyunger

      I, for one, am chubbing up, Chas!

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Albeit Matt Frei what?

  • slappypaddy

    welcome to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

    no, it's not here anymore, it's moved on down the road. catch it if you can.

    • SorosBot

      Up the road; it's called Canada.

    • jackannapolis

      God bless Red State, America and freedom from Muslims. God bless the fuck out of them.

    • Negropolis

      Wait, did you mean "land of the fat and home of the slaves?"

  • Neilist

    Never mind the Mooslims.

    No more of those potato fucking, inbred, multiplying-like-rabbits Irish-Catholics, thank you very much.

    It's already impossible to find a vacant barstool . . . .

    • LionelHutzEsq

      All right… we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Hey. My ancestors never fucked a potato that wasn't asking for it already.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Hey! Those are *hic* fighting words!

      • DoktorZoom

        I'm so offended by that, I'm gonna go get drunk and go to confession.

    • Billmatic

      If only I had the guns, Mr. Tweed, I would shoot each and every one of them as they came off the boats.

      • FraAnima

        Then there will be blood.

    • V572625694

      You know the menu for an Irish seven-course dinner? A six-pack and a boiled potato.

      • DoktorZoom

        One less drunk! (everyone knows the setup, so why bother?)

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      We gonna need the Irish to drive the NY cabs.

      • Neilist

        You all forgot the definition of "Irish Foreplay": BRACE YOURSELF, BRIDGET!!!!!!!

    • Troubledog

      Also, I fuckin hate pikeys. Also.

  • Buzz Feedback

    How do we go about "disinviting" Christianity?

    • Starfish

      Maybe if we all "unfriend" it on Facebook it will get the hint.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Christianity *never* gets the hint. That's part of its allure.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Did Redstate mention the main reason to be against Muslims? Many of them are very, very Urban.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      If you are more urban than a paper bag, it's off to the camps!

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        By which you mean one of those white paper bags filled with Quarter Pounders McDonald's hands out by the bale, right?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    In the end, this is a foolish policy, as America does not produce enough redneck Christian hicks to fill all of its terrorist needs.

    • chickensmack

      Duggers. They can outfuck mice.

      • WunkRocker

        So little time, so few McVeighs.

    • elPadrino

      I take that you ain't from Texas…

  • WarAndGee

    No fat chicks too.

    • mrbubb

      Just blew coffee all over my monitor. Thanks for sneaking up on me with that one.

    • Negropolis

      Fat chicks need love to, but they gotta' pay.

  • http://wonkette.com refudiatedness

    I applaud this very, very rural idea.

    • OhNoGuy

      The ruraler, the betterer.

    • Negropolis

      In all of rurality was a ever a better thought had!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Merry Christmas, each and every one of you!

    • V572625694

      Good thing you didn't say something disloyal, like "Season's Greetings," or "Happy Holidays."

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        What are you, a Communist?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    be careful what you wish for. if muslims are banned, what idiot kids will the FBI successfully entrap in their successful war on terror success?

    …and then they came for the wingnuts, but they had good lawyers

    • BarryOPotter

      First they came for the wingnuts, and I said nothing because I was all 'bout damn time.'
      Then they came for the very, very rural, and I said nothing because I was all 'bout damn time.'

      • Negropolis

        Then Jesus came for the Teabaggers, and I was all like "don't let the atmosphere hit you on the way out.

        Then Cthulu came and I was like "Oh, Fuck!"

    • LionelHutzEsq

      James O'Keefe still roams free.

      • snoopyfan2010

        You have to call the SPCA for that one.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Red State just made themselves the recruitment affiliate for Al Jazeera.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Exactly. No better way to prevent radicalization than forcing Muslims into unemployment & destitution.

      Only the rich fight jihad.

      [CORRECTION: the rich fund jihad. I meant, 'fund'. Bin Laden, for one, has never met a fight he wouldn't extol (but not fight). G. W. Bush, also.]

      • WunkRocker

        Right. Bin Laden was probably also in Skull and Boners and W forgot the reach around. Been preemptive war shit ever since.

    • doloras

      … Al Jazeera is a news channel. Did you mean Al Qaeda?

      • PeaceWithHonor

        Yes, I was trying too hard to make the network/affiliate analogy work.

  • facehead

    Looks like someone missed the memo …

    'muslim' is completely unpatriotic, promotes the abortion of jesus, and smacks of left-wing elitism.

    'muslin' is the correct American spelling, but I don't see why you don't just write 'terrorist' instead.

  • bureaucrap

    Brilliant idea — discriminate, censor and "christianize" because that will make the Muslims stop hating us.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The resulting secularism leaves a spiritual vacuum…

    Here's the essential flaw in the RedState logic — everything is a spiritual vacuum, much in the same way that everything is a Santa Claus vacuum, even Santa Clausism. The advantage of secularism is that it hasn't built its house on that vacuum.

    • axmxz

      Confucius say, redneck who build house on vacuum shouldn't wonder at why it sucks.

      • SayItWithWookies

        That Confucius fellow is a well-known Muslim.

    • GOPCrusher

      I blame James Dyson.

      • SorosBot

        I blame Freeman Dyson; if all the advanced aliens are living his spheres that would explain why we haven't been able to detect them yet, and the results would probably see a massive shrinking of the religious believers.

        • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

          He is still alive and nearly 100 years old, he might be alien himself.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        I just think America should work properly. Like Canada.

    • genxr

      When we stop believing in Santa Clause, it creates a spiritual vacuum which is then filled by Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo!

    • http://themysterydance.blogspot.com/ OCKerouac

      I hope us Secularists get Swiffers, otherwise the floors get awfully messy with no vacuums around…

    • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

      Christianity leaves a huge spiritual vacuum where love your neighbor means deport the brown people, deny rights to the gays, and screw the poor.

  • Fare la Volpe

    When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in flannel and wearing a "Who Farted?" hat.

    • bagofmice

      Dad?

    • blinky_twinkie

      **WHEN** fascism comes to America?? I say it arrived on the Mayflower and never left.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    I'll do my part by making my home and place of business scooter-inaccessable.

    • V572625694

      And here I thought Uniform Federal Accessibility Standards were a left-wing thing!

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      Ill make sure to let them know their freedom of expression doesn't include wearing the American flag as clothing

  • neiltheblaze

    I think it's a better idea to expel RedStaters.

    • neiltheblaze

      And what happened to my penis points?!?! I had 98 of the suckers yesterday – now 65? Geesh.

      • SexySmurf

        I blame the Muslins.

      • sarjo

        What a drag it is getting old!

      • bureaucrap

        I seem to have lost 38 points since the last time I signed in. Which of you 'hos has been dissin' me behind my back?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          There has been a 1929-level p-crash across the board.

          • DoktorZoom

            Dammit, and I had my retirement savings invested in p-points! Ah well, at least there's my Lehman Brothers shares to fall back on.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            I'm only down 9 from my peak, so I guess I am too subtle for the Brightbulbs and Women's Christian Temperance Biddies. So out of solidarity:

            UP JUMP JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IN A WHOREHOUSE, I HATE AMERIKKKA!!!!

          • mayor_quimby

            sweet jeebus christ on a fuckin crutch, don't piss them off man!

          • NotYerGaryBusey

            The Great Pee Bubble of 2010 has burst

    • glindsey1979

      I was actually looking recently to see if there are provisions in the Constitution for expelling a state from the Union. There seems to be no consensus on the issue.

      • neiltheblaze

        I say we start with South Carolina. Nobody will notice.

        • DeeJayKitteh

          The comedians will. If that happened, there goes half of the Daily Show's material.

      • blinky_twinkie

        What's it say about expelling a state of mind? Oh, wait…

    • glamourdammerung

      I think it's a better idea to expel RedStaters.

      It would save us a lot of tax money as well as lower our crime rate, illiteracy, divorces, bastard children, hate crimes, etc.

      • moralturpentine

        Yeah, but then we'd eventually take them back with all the with all the illiteracy, divorces, bastards and all plus we'd end up transfering tax dollars to them, see e.g. Alaska.

        • glamourdammerung

          I would like to think that people would realise how much better and more pleasant the United States was and not let these clowns back in.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Devaluation. This wouldn't have happened if p points were pegged to the dollar.

      • DoktorZoom

        Screw that; we need to peg it to the Yuan.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      We would have to use supercontainer ships filled with Twinkies, beef jerky and MD for them, I don't think any cruise ship or buffet in the world could handle them. They would start auto cannibalizing.

  • SorosBot

    By now it is evident to all but the most brassbound conservatives, incorrigible in their refusal to face hard facts, that Christianity contains within it a sizeable faction of determined men whose politics derive from the warmaking doctrines of the Crusade. Wherever Christianity is, this faction will be also; one of them was even President of the United States recently and others want to be so in the future.

    • mrbubb

      I think you mean "assbound" conservatives.

  • chickensmack

    Christians: When you prove utterly that God exists, we'll listen to you. If you can demonstrate objectively and scientifically the God we're supposed to support through Policy #6, you will have our rapt attention.

    Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KNEEL EAST, bitch.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Ah, so many monotheists, so little ammunition………….

  • prommie

    Sounds like a Modest Proposal to me.

    • glindsey1979

      That would require an understanding of satire.

      • prommie

        That was Satire? Oh man, have I got egg on my face.

        • LionelHutzEsq

          Worse, I have Irish Child on my face.

        • bagofmice

          If you've got the egg, I've got the sperm.

          • BarryOPotter

            ♫Let's make lots of money♫

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Swift remark

  • glindsey1979

    Wonkette needs a slogan. I suggest "Wonkette: It Angries Up The Blood."

    • V572625694

      Satchell, is dat you?

    • prommie

      Wear an onion on your belt, that will fix that angried-up blood problem.

      • glindsey1979

        But it has to be one of those big red ones; we don't have any yellow ones because of the war.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "Fuck these fucking fucks with a fucking fuckstick".

      • glindsey1979

        Too subtle.

    • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

      Has the warblogging begun? It has been so long since the great PUMA blogwar in ought eight. Let me get my aviator goggles and Mao jacket!

  • MARCdMan

    That War on Stupidity is sounding better and better.

    • GOPCrusher

      Our troops are in the wrong countries to fight that war.

  • emmelemm

    What exactly is a "brassbound" liberal? And I fear I resemble that remark.

    • LeAlbatross

      One tastefully accented with hinges and fittings of brass?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Must be a rich one — I usually use duct tape and zip ties.

    • bagofmice

      Brassbound ? Like leia in Rotj?

      • emmelemm

        Now we're getting somewhere.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      A Steampunk Liberal who farts out of his clothing through an airlock, like that one villain in the first Hellboy movie.

    • Rotundo_

      It sounds like a really uncomfortable suppository…

  • CapeClod

    And while we're at it let's kick all the blacks and latins out of our sportz. All they ever did was break all the white guys' records.

  • BornInATrailer

    Happy Halolidays

  • LeAlbatross

    Sooo…In order to protect America, we have to destroy it?

    • DeeJayKitteh

      Pretty much. I do love how they're a perfect 3-for-3 as far as their "things you can do" list. All three are unconstitutional. So if we can just get rid of that pesky Constitution thing, we can have our country back! Yahoo!!!

    • FNMA

      Hey, it worked in Iraq!

      Sort of…

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      It's worked before. As it is written in scripture (Star Wars IV), "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    …Islam contains within it a sizeable faction of determined men whose politics derive from the warmaking doctrines of the Jihad.

    Oops. I misread "warmaking" as "wanking."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    4. Require all Islamic literature, books and websites originating in the United States to be communicated in English. The use of Arabic will not be forbidden, but requiring English translations will make public advocacy of jihad and sharia more difficult to hide.

    Like we'd be able to tell if the translation was accurate.

    • prommie

      We'll be able to roast marshmallows on the bonfires, though. I mean, you know, when we burn the books written in arabic.

    • sarjo

      D'oh!

    • mavenmaven

      The translators will be permanent residents of Abu Ghreib like institutions run by the Republican Congress and will get hooded and shocked if there are any questions about the translations.

    • Failure_Artist

      Paranoid enough to think that everything not in English is about You, gullible enough to think they wouldn't just lie to you.

    • AntonovBureau

      But why stop at stuff originating in the United States. They shouldn't be speaking furrein in those furrein lands

  • V572625694

    Finally, someone said what everyone was thinking. This is the kind of truth-telling that makes Red State the opinion leader that it is. But they forgot the Joos!

    Oh an it also helps recruit jihadis!

    Good thing Christianity isn't warlike.

    • Schmannnity

      Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war!

  • paxromanaclef

    How do you write shit like that and now reflect on it and think, "Wow, I sound exactly like the evil, oppressive bad guys in every dystopian sci-fi story ever."? Do they know that they are villains?

    • axmxz

      Eric Cartman: "It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!"
      Mysterion: "You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!"
      Eric Cartman: "I'm going around making the world a better place!"
      Mysterion: "For you! You're making it a better place for YOU!"
      Eric Cartman: "Right, that's what superheroes do."

    • the_onceler

      because they are not a brassbound liberal.

      • genxr

        What a bunch of assbound conservatives.

        • neiltheblaze

          Or perhaps "Rascalbound Conservatives".

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Or, "wow, I sound like an Ayatollah or Taliban Chief."

      Actually, they probably admire them for their commitment, unlike us brassbound liberals and our abhorrent spiritual vacuums.

  • SorosBot

    It would be interesting to see if there's any lawyers reading RedState who follows the idiot's advice to "Notify all businesses, private institutions, schools and local agencies that anti-discrimination laws do not require accommodating the religious practices of Muslim employees, customers, associates or volunteers" and ends up getting sued for malpractice as a result because the anti-discrimination laws very clearly do require that.

    • emmelemm

      "Title VII prohibits discrimination in employment based on race, sex, color, national origin or religion."

      FTMW.

    • GOPCrusher

      Be more interesting to find out some member of the Department of Homeland Security notifies them that what they posted is encouraging some one to break Federal laws and may be a violation of Hate Crimes Laws.
      Then RedState can throw a fit about how the Federal Government is violating their First Amendment Rights.

    • BarryOPotter

      9. Lawyer up because some self-righteous, brassbound liberal is not only going to sue the shit out of you, but they'll probably win if you're the type of hateful tool to follow the advice on RedState.

  • sarjo

    Whoa. This is waaay too subtle.

  • elviouslyqueer

    If you’re a young man or woman, get married and have lots of Christian children.

    Well, let's see… since I'm young-ish but not young, I can't get married, and I certainly can't have lots of children (Christian or otherwise), I guess this means I'm Mooslim. Which would be fabulous, except that there is NO WAY I can make a kufi look fashionable.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And if you go tranny in a burqa, how the hell would anyone know? Kinda like the old forest falling in the trees thing.

    • glindsey1979

      They forgot the part about killing you and hanging you on a public wall for being a "gender traitor". Cf. "The Handmaid's Tale," Margaret Atwood. Best example I've ever seen of Biblical literalism taken to its logical conclusions.

    • SorosBot

      What if they have lots of children raised Christian who become atheists as adults?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Hey, how did you manage to only lose 5 p points, while I shed 16? *pouts*

        • horsedreamer_1

          I've shedded the same, from 84 to 79; I owe it to the Breitfarters not being able to tell if I'm one of them or not.

        • V572625694

          It's weird. I only lost 5.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Yeah, it appears quite arbitrary and random, I only lost 8.

            Waitaminnit.

            AAAAALVIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!

        • BornInATrailer

          I lost THIRTY EIGHT points.

          *struts around*

          • twogoats

            41!

          • BornInATrailer

            *prostrates self before twogoats*

          • jodyleek

            I lost 50 pee-pee points since this morning. I made a snide comment about the Jeebus, so those loving Xtians must have exercised my avatar and made it puke them out.

        • SorosBot

          As I mentioned in more detail in the alien thread, I have been unable to comment much recently and I guess the thumbs-downers didn't hit me too much.

          • neiltheblaze

            Aha! So I should take my 33 penis point loss as an achievement?

          • SorosBot

            Sure!

          • NotYerGaryBusey

            Yeah, I lost 40 and barely ever comment. Yay me!

    • the_onceler

      you can be part of the gay agenda to institute sharia: http://bit.ly/fQ2Idg

      • Ducksworthy

        I forgot how LGBT(Q) friendly sharia law is.

  • prommie

    So, what to call the new government agency tasked with enforcing these rules?

    Ah ha, I've got it, we can call it "The Inquisition."

    • Terry
      • the_deliverator

        That is the first thing I thought of, and now I will be singing that all day. "Send in the nuns!"

    • Steverino247

      Yeah, nobody would expect that.

    • ttommyunger

      No one expects the Inquisition!

      • prommie

        Chief amongst their weaponry were surprise, fear, and a fanatical devotion to the pope! And they got those mooslems out of Spain, they did.

        • jodyleek

          A reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film!

        • ttommyunger

          To say nothing of the Joos!

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Department of No More Salom Alekums.

    • jim89048

      What a show!

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Another exemplary display of Christian Talibanism. Fuck you, Red State.

  • horsedreamer_1
  • Terry

    "By now it is evident to all but the most brassbound liberals, incorrigible in their refusal to face hard facts, that Islam contains within it a sizeable faction of determined men whose politics derive from the warmaking doctrines of the Jihad. "

    As does the fundy version of Christianity, sadly enough.

  • user-of-owls

    Well, we will need the room freed up by expelling the Muslim hordes. As we speak, there's a whole new generation of mick papists walking up the gangplanks to set sail for our shores.

    • prommie

      Hey, we wouldn't have a rabidly right-wing election-stealing Supreme Court if not for mick and guinea papists!

      • user-of-owls

        And their negro lickspittles!

        • Oblios_Cap

          I notice nobody bad-mouthing the Noble Savages that were successfully assimilated into our superior culture. That's what we have to do with all the other Mudbloods, too!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          "Who has lickspittled on my Coke?"

          • BarryOPotter

            Given it's length, coarseness, girth and smell, I'm going with either Christine O'Dons or SharrAngle's Muffti

  • SecretMuslin

    Internment camps are ALWAYS a good idea. Ask the Japanese-Americans circa 1941 about that fun experience!! How could they have forgotten to add internment camps?

    • GOPCrusher

      Honestly, I'm really surprised that someone like Michele Bachmann hasn't suggested that we round up all the Muslims and put them in interment camps for the duration of the War On Terror.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Celebrity Asian Michelle Malkin has done just that.

      • V572625694

        Gitmo was just a good start!

        • GOPCrusher

          Maybe we can relocate the rest of Cuba to Miami and turn the entire island into an internment camp?

      • neiltheblaze

        Of course, she was the one talking about liberals putting conservatives into FEMA camps, or some such bullshit, wasn't she?

  • Billmatic

    Again, and pardon my ignorance in this matter, but how did liberals (root of word is liberty) lose the public battle on who stands for freedom to these guys?

    • neiltheblaze

      We've been losing it for better than 30 years. In America, freedom means the right to elect Republicans so they can raid the Treasury.

      The people robbing us blind, stand for freedom. This is the same culture that made J. R. Ewing a folk hero.

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    Also, did Red State reset all our p-points?

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Just for the Muslins.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Obviously, there is some fifth columnist skullduggery afoot!

    • neiltheblaze

      They did it for Christ.

  • obfuscator2

    i crested at righteous indignation. now i'm slowly but steadily descending towards "lay face down on the floor and sigh with resignation".

    • prommie

      don't forget "drinky drinky, weepy weepy."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Also, they failed to mention that you should un-friend all your facebook muslim friends. Although I guess their primary audience wouldn't have any, anyway.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Good thinking Red State. As if you asshats haven't fucked the sciences and engineering enough already with yer evilution, 6K year universe, and home skoolink. Hate to tell you how many Ali and Muhammad (various spellings), and Muslin womenz too, there are in my address book.

    • user-of-owls

      *ding dong*

      "Yes, Mr. Weejee, good morning. We were hoping you wouldn't mind if we ask you a few questions. Nothing serious, of course, just want to clear up a couple of things. Excuse me? Oh no, no. That's not a blindfold, it's just our way of protecting you from retinal damage. After all it is an awfully sunny day out there. Now, just come along and we'll be on our way."

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Thank you for that my feathered friend. What is particularly sweet is they, teh Federales, spent a lot of monies training me on how to shuck & jive during questioning.

  • DCHatesMe

    Muslims and Christians are very similar. They both want the same things. Muslims want the same rights as Christians. They all want the God-given right to beat up and eradicate queers.

  • MadBrahms

    Upside: Maybe if "jihad" and "sharia" were forced to be translated into God's Language, English, they would lose their status as signifiers capable of being mistranslated as hateful imperatives by common assmonkeys like Redstate.

    • doloras

      So… "struggle" and "correct path to the oasis", pretty much.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        "Exercise" and "healthy diet"?! I told you Izlum was evil!!

    • glamourdammerung

      These are the same clowns that saw a conspiracy in Obama's choice of condiments on his hamburger.

    • AntonovBureau

      I agree. How come God didn't say in the bible that English is the one true language. It seems the founders of the consitution had the same flaw.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Who do I call about using my P-Points to upgrade to First Class?

    Edit:
    Also, who do I call report P-Points fraud? I had 108 about 2 minutes ago. Not that I'm keeping track or anything as bourgeois as that.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Ghostbusters!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      It must be socialistic redistribution of whore diamonds!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Overnight there appears to have been a P-Point devaluation of just over 16%. Must have something to do with the relative buying power of the Euro vs. the Dollar vs. the Yen.

      Not that I'm keeping track either, of course…

    • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

      My 103 p-points DIED AND WENT TO HELL, obviously. I'm having a Morrissey/Cure/Ministry/Depeche Mode marathon to "celebrate."

      • comptoneffect

        I'll show up if you add Joy Division to the mix.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Redstate? Really? That shitty website is still around? I figured that black hole of illogic would have collapsed upon itself by now.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, as you can see from this post, they are going from strength to strength.

    • glamourdammerung

      I kind of figured it would be cnn.redstate.com by now.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Same thing could be said about Sarah Palin. Never underestimate a section of the American Public's love for crazy, know-nothing grifters. Hell, look at NRO.

  • PubOption

    One addition to the list of constructive actions:
    "Refuse to patronize any cab driven by a Muslim, or any taxi company you suspect might use Muslim drivers."

    Red State readers may then be seen walking to/from their nearest airport.

    • Ducksworthy

      Thanks Gawd for Greyhound, the Red State Airline.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Franchise Business Opportunity: Kristian Kab Kompany, Inc.

    • neiltheblaze

      Especially considering that they'll assume any Sikh or Indian drivers are Muslin too.

  • Gopherit

    Hey, u filthy muslins. Yur in Murika! Start bombing in english goddamn it!

    • axmxz

      ANFO or GTFO!

    • BarryOPotter

      Wait! Carrot Top is muslin?

  • Mindblank

    I'm sure Native Americans are wondering if a ban on immigration could be made retroactive.

  • axmxz

    "Brassbound liberals". If only they had the balls to match! But they were apparently held by the scrotum when dipped into the secular pool.

  • glamourdammerung

    You know who else advocated rounding up all of a certain religious group to save their pure Christian society?

  • bagofmice

    I love the smell of red state in the morning. Smells like dhimmitude.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Learn your Christian faith and especially its history vis-à-vis Islam.

    Actually having read up on this history, and being atheist (I know more about their religion than most Xtians do, too!), I gotta say that the Redstaters would probably be appalled if they were to learn the truth of how things went back then. You know, how the Muslins were impressively educated and urbane, while the christians were classless brutish louts that only gained what little technology they had by stealing it during the Crusades.

    Then the maurading hordes descended from asia and basically wiped the civilizations in the Middle East out. Yellow Menace, indeed!

  • qwerty42

    Jesus. This is too sad. I have nothing to say, but ask what gives when racial/religious hatred becomes accepted, even endorsed? These people would have been under rocks even in the Bush administration; now they spout this stuff and who on their side says anything?

  • ttommyunger

    Who among Red State Staffers (HeeHee, what a mental picture that phrase brings) will volunteer to sandblast those pesky Communist Words off of the Base of the Statue of Liberty?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    About time we Americanize the Mulins who are already here and those who sneak in legally before Red State's enlightened policy in enacted.

    First order of business should be language. They must be told repeatedly until it sinks in "Your are in America now, buddy. Speak Spanish like everyone else.

  • SorosBot

    Hopefully, some of the RedState readers will follow his censorship regulation, since a bookstore or library employee making certain literate disappear is a good way to get their ass fired.

  • user-of-owls

    Here's the very hard, very sad truth. This and associated rhetoric in wide distribution on the right is virtually identical to the anti-abortion rhetorical cycles that have culminated in the murders of abortion providers.
    Take this to the bank: before Easter rolls around, I guarantee you all that there will be at least one assassination of a prominent member of the Muslim community here in the US, most likely an imam.
    I wish I was wrong, but unfortunately I research political violence and terrorism for a living. I never make iron-clad guarantees; except now. Weep for what has become of our nation; I know I will.

    • SorosBot

      I do really hope the well-known imam who runs the not-mosque that isn't really close to ground zero has good security, after all the hateful rhetoric the evil bigots were throwing around over that.

    • GOPCrusher

      I fully expect a mosque bombing. Of course, they tried to burn down that Portland mosque, so you know a bombing isn't far behind. http://www.kptv.com/news/25960773/detail.html

  • chickensmack

    I LOOOOOOOVE my country. I LOOOOOOOOOVE its ideals.

    Its Christian populace that think they run everything? Fuck 'em sideways, however, also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Are they internet-savvy enough to "get it" if you say "Gud Christianz: Ur razing them rong."?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Srebrenica.

  • binarian

    someone used the phrase "Red State Staffers" a bit ago. I figured the staff consisted of Moe and Erik in their respective mother's basements wanking off to pictures of the Michelles ( Bachman and Malkin).

    • neiltheblaze

      Yeah, but do they get off?

  • Redhead

    So number 8 tells you that you can do certain things without fear because they don't count as discrimination/fall under anti-discrimination laws… and number 3 encourages you to do those things under the heading "Discriminate!"???

    I know they're all too busy jizzing their shorts over Jugs McCain's fat rolls/boobs (since really, who can tell them apart anymore) to think with their other head, but this is just ridiculous.

  • BklynIlluminati

    I got some addendum Must wear crescent moon patch at all times and in plain sight. While we are at it Latinos must wear sombreros and Jews the star of david. this sounds all to familiar….

  • Failure_Artist

    Wondering how many doctors we'd lose if we kicked out the Muslims.

    • binarian

      Mostly Gastroenterologists and ENT guys. I need both so lets not.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Since none of us will have healthcare once the Republicans get their way, what difference does it make?

      • DoktorZoom

        Prayer Therapy will be fully covered, happily.

    • neiltheblaze

      I've got an Iranian dentist. The one before that was Pakistani.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      That's a realy good question. I live in Red California, and it seems like virtually every new-MD announcement from hospitals and medical centers in the region involves mostly people with Middle Eastern / Indonesian / Indian names. (When I lived in the South Bay, it was more South/Southeast/East Asian).

      While a name does not, of course, guarantee a religious preference (or even Amurkanism — undoubtedly some of these folks are at least third generation), one still wonders if the successful implementation of Ewick's proposed putsch would result in millions of conservative Californians having their medical infrastructure reduced to a relative handful of post-retirement white guys.

      It would be funnier if I didn't live here.

  • MinAgain

    "Fat, drunk, and bigoted is no way to go through life, son."

  • PublicLuxury

    Are you kidding me? Now the fundies will be breeding like rats.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    When I applied for my first US visa, in 1987, I had to answer questions like:
    "Are you and have you been a member of the Communist Party"?
    Nothing new here.

  • hagajim

    While we all are in there changing that there Constitution thangy, we probly ought to add in a rule so only white hillbilly rednecks can aktually own that there land in these USA's cuz we be the chozen wuns! Damn Muslins hate Merika anways….ought to kill the spics and niggras while we'z doin' things as well.

  • Bugeyes

    "Perhaps nothing demonstrates the folly of liberalism on this matter more clearly than that its adherents persist in laying hold of the old idiom of racism in abusing their interlocutors, when it is evident to anyone with a modicum of curiosity that this is chiefly a doctrinal and cultural, not a racial matter. Speaking from personal experience, it’s now been almost five years since I spent a portion of an evening at an event at the University of Georgia arguing (quite civilly) about the Jihad with a Muslim of Swedish extraction and American heritage."

    Huh? What is interlocutor abuse? Is that a crime or a sex act or something? And hating muslims is a doctrine or cultural? What is this guy talking about? Did I miss something because I wasn't in Georgia five years ago? Is it because I persist to adhere to liberalism? It would be a lot easier to get his point across if he just said, we don't like muslims, we don't want them here, and this is our country so we can decide how things go.

    • MadBrahms

      This is a case where a guy thinks he can go toe to toe with the liberal academy by using fancy soc/anthro/cultural studies words like "interlocutor", while completely failing to be up to speed on the whole "critique of the culture concept" thing.

      But basically he's saying "wah, they keep picking on me!"

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I believe the key point here is that it has been almost five years since the narrator has spoken with a Muslim.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Amazing how if you substitute "Negro" for "Muslim" it reads just as smoothly and makes just as much sense. We're all lost in the '50's tonight…

  • Wilcoxyz

    Who's going to drive the cabs in the very urban areas? What, are we all just going to have to buy our own tractor or settle for sleeping with our sisters instead of going to a bar in a better neighborhood than we live?

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    Require all Islamic literature, books and websites originating in the United States to be communicated in English.

    What's that mean for our numbers? Do we have to write them out from now on? Because that's really going to ruin my tweeting. And sixtynining is completely ruined.

    • DangerHelvetica

      Henceforth, it shall be known as LXIX'ing.

  • MistaEko

    Dear China,

    Please invade.

    Love, Eko.

  • moralturpentine

    “By now it is evident to all but the most brassbound liberals, incorrigible in their refusal to face hard facts, that Judaism contains within it a sizeable faction of determined men whose politics derive from the warmaking doctrines of Anarchism. Wherever the Jew is, this faction will be also.”

    Sounds better in the original Protocols. Also, it's brassballed liberalism, thank you.

  • DustBowlBlues

    " Learn your Christian faith . . ."

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH. (In lieu of the annoying combination of lol and rof, or whatever).

    I'm assuming they would prefer you completely skip Matthew 6:6. (Do not be like the fucking Philitines. When you pray, go into your closet to do it.) (Poetic license taken on that, on my part.) Matthew 6:6, shortened form: STFU.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I believe I've made it clear in previous comments that I no longer call myself a Christian. This is fundamentally for internal reasons, and not because of the un-Christlike behavior and thinking of many self-professed Christians; but really, who are these guys?

      But, at one time, I made a fairly serious effort to learn my Christian faith. I've read the Old Testament (admittedly glossing over some of the extended name lists and descriptions of the latest extermination of idolators), and the New. I admit to reading English translations, as I don't read ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek. And neither does anybody at Red State. FWIW, I've also read the Book of Mormon, the D&C's, and the Pearl of Great Price.

      And, despite the fact that I no longer believe in Jesus as the literal Son of God, the bits of the NT that are traditionally printed in red are still pretty compelling, and thought-provoking, and strangely resonant. You have to wonder if anyone at Red State has ever read any part of Matt 6. Or, really, any of Jesus' words.

      • DoktorZoom

        I know I've said this multiple times, but it's worth remembering that the only parts of the New Testament these fuckers like are 1) The Parable of the Talents, so they know that Jebus loves investment bankers; B) The bits where Paul sez no homosex; and III) The part where Jebus says "I come not to bring peace, but a sword," because killing the ungodly is awesome. Beyond that, they like the homo-killin' parts of Leviticus, and, if they're Brian Fischer, the parts about killing bears. They've pared down their Bibles far more selectively and thoroughly than Jefferson would have thought decent.

        • SorosBot

          Now, be fair; they also like the parts where Paul says, "bitches, shut up and make your husband a sandwich."

  • modestproposal1

    make the Islamic stuff disappear

    If he had just replaced "stuff" with "people", he could have just skipped writing the rest of the article and spent more time beatin' up the local queers and coloreds, for Jesus.

  • jim89048

    Mine too, but the ones that stayed xtian died raptured young.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Not to brag, but we're way ahead of Red State on this one, down here in the Dust Bowl. Cram your Sharia law up your asses, Muslins. We don't need no furriners here in OK. (Except, for the medical specialists. You can stay because gramma needs the Cancer Doctor, as the old fucks call Oncologists.)

    • DoktorZoom

      But didn't one of those activist judges put that dumb law on hold? Frankly, I'm not sure I see the point of an injunction against a meaningless law, either…

  • TheMeatmaker

    What if they agree to do lots of work for free? And maybe count as 3/5 of a real American. Can they come visit then?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Imagine for a moment if redstate.com had been around in 1954.

    Just. Imagine.

    • DoktorZoom

      I see Reds, I see Commies. Get 'em, Simple J!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    By about this time next year, we might not have to imagine 1954. I think the Right imagines the '50s as their ideal decade, not so great maybe if you were Jewish, Black, Gay, Latino, Catholic or female, perhaps, but white males? Hey hey hey!
    The 1990s on the other hand were that long national nightmare of peace and prosperity.

  • Lost_Teabaggers

    What bothers me so much about this article, so so much aside from the palpable religious bigotry and strawman "other" construction is this asshole writer is CATHOLIC; that's probably the largest irony at work in this feces ridden pants pissy fear-feast. A catholic writing to have communities openly discriminate against another religion in the US is a bit like a Jew writing a piece entitled "the Eternal Muslim". For centuries people like this asshole were subject to every petty slight, bigoted paranoia and phobia he's arguing in favor of. This is what you get when you have idiots with no understanding of religious intollerance being turned against them so that they can use extreme religious intollerance and pretend it's both rational and new. If you replace Muslim with Catholic or black and you have exactly the kind of reactionary fuckfest that would have appeared at this point last century; what a bag of shit at work here.

  • http://www.wellnessstarts.com/where-to-buy-nitro-muscle-mass.html Geraldjezz

    I like this blog post and i think its not fair that Muslim community should be banned because its a part of our community. http://www.wellnessstarts.com/where-to-buy-nitro-

  • whuzzat

    Who would baby jeezus disinvite? Considering that the U.S. Department of Defense budget accounted in fiscal year 2010 for about 19% of the United States federal budgeted expenditures and 28% of estimated tax revenues, and including non-DOD expenditures, defense spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues, Medicare/Social Security funding would be better wasted/dedicated to armoring mobility scooters for border patrols, yes? Kill two patriotic/arthritic snowbirds with one earmark? Who's loving freedom NOW?