that ain't santa

U.S. Government Will Announce Space Monster Invasion Tomorrow

Lizard People gettin' busy.What did NASA send your Wonkette for some reason? Secret plans for the new Chevrolet space shuttle? A wacky “mash up” video of NASA accidents? No! It’s even better/worse than all that: “NASA will hold a news conference at 2 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 2, to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” So it’s going to be a very merry xmas after all, because the Space Monsters are here, and we will all come together as a single human community to decide who gets fed to the Space Monsters first.

This press conference sounds very intriguing:

EDIA ADVISORY : M10-167

NASA Sets News Conference on Astrobiology Discovery; Science Journal Has Embargoed Details Until 2 p.m. EST On Dec. 2

WASHINGTON — NASA will hold a news conference at 2 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 2, to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life. Astrobiology is the study of the origin, evolution, distribution and future of life in the universe.

The news conference will be held at the NASA Headquarters auditorium at 300 E St. SW, in Washington. It will be broadcast live on NASA Television and streamed on the agency’s website at http://www.nasa.gov.

Participants are:
– Mary Voytek, director, Astrobiology Program, NASA Headquarters, Washington
– Felisa Wolfe-Simon, NASA astrobiology research fellow, U.S. Geological Survey, Menlo Park, Calif.
– Pamela Conrad, astrobiologist, NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, Greenbelt, Md.
– Steven Benner, distinguished fellow, Foundation for Applied Molecular Evolution, Gainesville, Fla.
– James Elser, professor, Arizona State University, Tempe

Other than the person from Arizona, this sounds like a very distinguished group of UFO fanatics. What will they tell us, tomorrow, about how the world is going to completely change forever, for the worse? And will they give us some guidance as far as mass suicides or other things we could do to prevent being digested (while still alive) for a thousand years in the mouth/anus of the Galactic Horror Gods? [NASA]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • horsedreamer_1

    I'm buying stock in Nike.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Barry Hussein will invite the Space Monsters over for Slurpees and immediately give in to all of their demands.

    • Beanball

      They want their unicorns and sparkle ponies back.

      Slurpees will not save us when they learn the Republicans ate them.

      • Beowoof

        And the sparkle ponies better fart glitter as they did when we dropped them off.

    • BarryOPotter

      Wait, now it all makes sense! Bohener's led the advance scouting party and he has determined that some of our species are ready for the the awesome advanced tax-cutting technologies that will move select segments of a segregated population forward along the path of evolution, while returning the rest to the Middle Ages they so desperately miss. Or, at least, that explains his alien hue.

      • Beowoof

        They have cheeto colored body spray on other planets?

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      …as long as they agree to take the Boner and McTurtle with 'em for 'special' anal probing, I say give 'em whatever they want…personally I think they'll LOVE the Slurpee, it's an intergalactic treat!

      • jus_wonderin

        I do wonder if Aliens have found the cure to the brain freeze. Surely a civilization advanced enough to travel intersellar space would have a fix for it other than pressing ones tongue to the soft palette.

  • Lucidamente1

    "to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life": Mitch McConnell will finally reveal himself as head of our new overlords, the Lizard People.

    • Terry

      Turtle people. McConnell is definitely one of the Turtle People.

      • Katydid

        And Sarah Palin is what he shits out. Oh noes!

        • BarryOPotter

          Because his Turtle People system cannot fully metabolize a diet high in retard and bump-its.

          • Beowoof

            And he will be distributing his new book To Serve Man and you know what, I say he can eat me.

          • BarryOPotter

            Grendal Say nom nom nom

          • HistoriCat

            "It's NOT a cookbook!"

  • CapnFatback

    Great, more homeless to deny unemployment checks to.

    • Ducksworthy

      No no. There'll be a deal. Barry will give tax cuts to our lizard billionaire overlords forever and the representatives of the lizard people will let the poors survive until they can be efficiently harvested.

      • BarryOPotter

        …until they can be efficiently harvested

        Which will happen as soon as the population's median corn syrup levels are high enough. Our new overlords like to serve something sweet at the tea parties the throw for their rainbow-farting unicorns.

        • Negropolis

          Yes, peak corn syrup is nigh. We will definitely not be left to rot on the vine, that's for sure.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        Soylent Green is PEOPLE! (and it's good for ya too :)
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Sp-VFBbjpE

  • Mindblank

    No big deal. They probably just found an amoeba from Uranus.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Did you know that the bargain brand of toilet tissue wipes out Klingons just as well as the more expensive brand? It's true!

    • EatsBabyDingos

      It was the Enterprise amoeba, which is known for circling Uranus and wiping out Klingons. Or was that Charmin.

    • killbot

      I'm a microbioogist. I can make a whore moan.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Gotta watch out for those atheist gayliens..

  • YeOldeFapSmith

    I, for one, welcome our new Space Monster overlords.

  • MadBrahms

    I know its been said a thousand times already, but I'm more concerned with finding intelligent life in Congress at this point, frankly.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Too late, I'm afraid.

    • Beowoof

      I think that one is going to have to get in line behind, the search for the fountain of youth, and the search for the Holy Grail, Noah's ark, and intelligent life south of the Mason Dixon line.

  • CapnFatback

    This is exactly the sort of story you won't hear a peep of in the lamestream "edia."

  • Spenceredux

    I, for one, bow down to our new alien overlords, the Republican Freshmen.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Obviously, they figure this is the last time they can mention "evolution" without the GOP threatening to cut NASA's funding.

  • johnnymeatworth

    I can think of 42 Senate Republicans to feed them….

    • dr_giraud

      And 1 independent Senator from Connecticut. . . .

  • FNMA

    IT'S A COOKBOOK!

    • Katydid

      Beat me to it!

  • Terry

    No reason to get excited. They probably found a molecule that could become, under the right conditions part of an amino acid that, given very specific conditions could be condusive to the conditions that may be favorable for life over geologic time.

    • sarjo

      In other words: EUREKA!!!

    • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

      You read teh science news pretty closely, don't you?

      • Terry

        Yes, but only to find items to send to the Catholic League so that he can protest them.

    • x111e7thst

      Representative John A. Boehner has your molecule right in his pants, and if you have your own microscope he will show it to you.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      What color dragon will the fundies invent to symbolize the movement to deny Christianity through the measurement of space-farts?

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Hey, now, spoiler alert!

  • toomtabard

    This from Fox: "I'd say that they've discovered arsenic on Titan and maybe even detected chemical evidence of bacteria utilizing it for photosynthesis," Kottke theorizes." Nothing will ever be the same after this. This must also be the first time the word "photosynthesis" appeared on Fox (of course it's in a quote).

    • Terry

      2n CO2 + 2n H2O + photons → 2(CH2O)n + n O2 + 2n A
      Carbon dioxide + electron donor + light energy → carbohydrate + oxygen + oxidized electron donor

      I wonder where the arsenic is fitting in.

      • slappypaddy

        it's under the old lace.

      • Beowoof

        Hopefully in O'Reilly's coffee.

    • mumbly_joe

      A friend pointed to this article from March, and there's some speculation that it's related, so the arsenic thing might be somewhat on-point, actually. Insofar as astrobiology is a viable field, they frequently draw inference from extremphiles for obvious reasons. Photosynthesis… eh. The main point seemed to be that life that use/rely on completely distinct elements and molecules than most of our own biosphere may well be more plausible than previously thought.

      Oh, and also, we can apparently now analyse the spectra of exoplanets, so it's possible to look for atmospheres we think of as "viable", so that might be part of the announcement, too. Our technology is pretty amazing.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Extremphiles are disgusting, I hope you're not surfing them at work!!

        But seriously, just the headline of that linked article made my eyes glaze over. Wake me up tomorrow.

  • horsedreamer_1

    When did Arizona State develop a top (astro)physics programme?

    I thought it was Porn U.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Actually, both ASU has had a good program for a long time. Clear desert skies are wonders for viewing the cosmos.

    • SorosBot

      More importantly, how are they supposed to research aliens in a state where it's legal for the police to harass and beat them?

      • slappypaddy

        oh shit. i went to up arrow you and down arrowed you in my giggle over your comment. so sorry.

        someone please up arrow sorosbot please?

        • slappypaddy

          hey, you didn't have to arrow me down to zero for that. i'm a cat, i don't have thumbs. and when i get around a mouse, i go a little crazy.

        • SorosBot

          I arrowed you up, don't worry; I've made that mistake myself; and once even worse thumbed up one of the Breitbart trolls.

    • Negropolis

      I, myself, am surprised to find that they are sober enough to conduct their research, at all. Don't tell me Tempe is turning into New Haven.

      • horsedreamer_1

        The Tempe12 will always be better than the Yale Naked Party.

        (By & by, still waiting for Wonkette to score the footage/photos of Barbara Bush (grand-daughter) from one of those.)

  • Oblios_Cap

    "To Serve Man' is a cookbook, I tells ya!

  • PsycWench

    I say we send a committee to outer space to meet them halfway, and that the committee will be chosen by national vote. First up: Sarah Palin.

    • bagofmice

      Way to get all humans annihilated!

    • Ducksworthy

      Good idea. If they eat her they'll be so sick of humans they leave the actual humans alone.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Jodie Foster will be heartbroken.

  • SorosBot

    You just know the Mormons will be sending their fresh-faced brainwashed young adults, and the Jehovah's Winesses their middle-aged guys in suits and old-timey hats, over to Gliese 581d to go and annoy the space monsters now.

    • Katydid

      If only.

    • jim89048

      Mormon Doctrine already has those other planets sewed up, and when they've all been claimed, they'll just make more!

      And how the hell did your p-ness survive this morning's alien attack? Are you one of them?

      • SorosBot

        I dropped a bit, but a combination of no internet connection at my new place yet, a four-day weekend and a day spent fruitlessly waiting for the Verizon asshole who never showed up to install my connection means I haven't been able to post much lately, and I guess the Breitbartars didn't dig real far back in their thumbs-down orgy.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Xenu's gonna' nuke your punk-asses!

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Didn't Senator Turtle Boy declare there would be no scientific discoveries or news of any kind until tax cuts for millionaires has passed? Why does NASA hate our freedom?

  • Beanball

    The monsters are due on Maple Street.

    Past due, actually.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Klaatu Barada Nikto.

    • ttommyunger

      Patricia Neal was so fucking hot! And Michael Rennie was so British, and Klaatu was so not to be fucked with.

      • Beowoof

        Ah a movie from the 50's I still enjoy

        • ttommyunger

          Me too!

  • Oblios_Cap

    OMG! It's no coincidence that this is happening right at the time DoD is weaning itself off of acronyms. I'm sure the Space Monsters are ROTFLTAO at our military's incompetence.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Shred your bibles, America!!!!

  • Radiotherapy

    Oh no, here we go with the whole build a fence, starwars, illegal immigrant, alien gangs, Obama's fault thing again.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps NASA is going to tell us the origin of Orange People like Boehner?

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Step 1: Install new Rethug Congress, begin banning art, cutting unemployment benefits, handing all the nation's wealth to the rich. Your response: Stop the world, I want to get off.

    Step 2: Government announcement: The nice little green fellow is offering you a ride in his spaceship. He's holding a book titled "To Serve Man." Surely you want to go with him, seeing how fucked this place is.

    Moral: John Boner is an alien!!!!1!

  • Radiotherapy

    So <that's</i> what happened to our "p" values. Preparations, not reparations.

    • smokefilledroommate

      yeah–wtf? just yesterday I had 84 pees

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        I blame the Republicans.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Breifarters are among us…

        • Badonkadonkette

          I thought that might be the case. But it would take an awful lot of "thumbs down" clicks to drop scores so much (I went from 111 to 66), and I really can't believe that even those basement dwelling mama's boys have the time to do it.

          • GOPCrusher

            They have to take a break from vigorous masturbation some times.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Oh my God, I thought I was the only one. I was at 102 just yesterday and now I'm down to 69!

      Hehe, "down to 69"

      • slithytovesss

        I was at 102 and dropped to 43 – wish I could lose weight that fast.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Preach it, sister.

      • SorosBot

        Hm, maybe we should all stop thumbing you up so you can keep that great score.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Or you could keep thumbing me until I get up to ONE HUNDRED and sixty nine. Oh yeah…

    • Boredw/Gravity

      Ahhh, I went from 100 to 48 in nothing flat. I thought I had somehow managed to annoy a sh*tload of conservatards (and was actually quite pleased with myself).

  • CapeClod

    The aliens found the Voyager space craft, played the record on it, and sent a message that says, "SEND MORE CHUCK BERRY!"

    • user-of-owls

      Actually it said, "SEND MORE CHUCK BARRIS!"

  • Mojopo

    I hope they finally answer David Bowie's question – the poor guy deserves a night's rest after all this time.

    Then again, the aliens let us eat turkey first. The next logical step is to take our land.

  • Steverino247

    Finding life or evidence of life (like bacterial shit stains someplace) will blow away all the "special creations of (Your God Here)" stories in human history. All of them. Sure, some will deny it or try to ride a wave of bullshit of their own creation to stay ahead of it (e.g., Scientologists), but if we've found life someplace else, religion is done.

    Yes, it's been a good run, but ever since the religious lost the ability to burn astronomers, their days have been numbered.

    • SayItWithWookies

      You have seriously underestimated the ability of believers to ignore facts. Remember the Dover decision? Hasn't stopped the creationists.

    • prommie

      The vatican long ago said they have no problem with other creations, other people, other jesus on other worlds, they've been prepping for this for years

      • SayItWithWookies

        The Catholics figured out that the infallable and unchanging word of The LORD works best when it makes accommodations for new knowledge.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          This is why the Papists can't be trusted, they are not Strict Biblical Constructionists.

    • Ducksworthy

      Yeah. Just like Galileo and Darwin's discoveries blew them away. Have you visited the Creation Museum in N. KY?

    • GOPCrusher

      Hell, we still have morans that will tell you that the Earth is only 6000 years old, despite of the mountains of scientific fact that proves otherwise.

    • Steverino247

      I'm not saying it's going to go away quietly. There are still Flat Earthers, but they don't have the power or influence they used to have. They are back in the "crank" category whence they came. Creationism/Intelligent Design has been beaten back pretty effectively as Dover showed could be done. Nobody worships Zeus or Odin anymore, so it can happen here.

      Translated into Wonkettese: I can haz hope?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Forget the ghey part…If their first words are, "sorry…there is no god", the world will be united in a war against the alienists. Muslim and Christian will stand shoulder to shoulder to fight evil…

    And we'll be stomped flat, paving the world to become the intergalactic version of Disney World.

    • V572625694

      Exactly. Not loving Jeebus enough means you're an atheist.

  • Serolf_Divad

    So tomorrow is when we learn that Ellie isn't really the President's mistress, but rather a phonetic misspelling of an overheard acronym: ELE… which stands for Extinction Level Event? How exciting!

  • slithytovesss

    Since it's NASA, I'm guessing the astrobiology finding is that there is no other life in the universe and therefore we will stop looking for it.

    • V572625694

      By order of the Speaker-Presumptive and "Leader" McConnell. Unless the aliens arrive with jobs. I hope they don't put us to work with shovels stoking the radium furnaces, like Ming did to Flash and Prince Barin.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    Well, if the Rethugs are in control, we'll just do what the founding fathers would demand: Smallpox.

    I feel dirty.

  • prommie

    I for one welcome blah blah blah.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    There are no "Astrobiologists" other than those in the overheated brains of tentacle porn fanboys but NASA gets three of them on the same panel.

    That is going to be a really strange crowd there tomorrow.

  • slappypaddy

    they found jesus. he was outbound, just about to cross the orbit of pluto, making for the oort cloud, but they nabbed him. they'll be bringing him back for a perp walk that will be divine.

    (stay tuned for the next episode of, "survival of those who throw the biggest fits.")

  • MildMidwesterner

    Update! Sarah Palin just claimed that she can see aliens from her house.

    • slappypaddy

      she should put up a fence.

    • horsedreamer_1

      She must have just seen The Fourth Kind.

      The best part of that movie was the audio over the closing credits.

    • Beowoof

      I think she sees aliens in her house. In her mirror.

  • VaWyo

    I hope the aliens like tea bags because they should first eat all those wearing them as accessories.

  • user-of-owls

    Pee 103 this morning; 70 (or less) currently.

    Now I understand how Bristol stayed on that program for so long.

    • sarjo

      Ken's doing it. We've gotten too uppity lately.

    • V572625694

      What was your cholesterol?

      • user-of-owls

        No, silly. That's how many centiliters of urine I passed. What else could "pee" mean?

      • Radiotherapy

        V, based on the updated, just in time for xmas, "p" values — the December "p" Purge, if you will — you are like the funniest, most insightful Wonkette commenter — and I don't disagree with that. So fists up to you girlfriend. Bring on the funk.

        • V572625694

          Wow, I'm honored. Serolf Divad and Say It With Wookies were far ahead of me before the p-holocaust (12-1-10…nevar forget!), and deservedly so. Others bring much funny too. I think Ken's just fucking with us.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I'd tell Ken to quit, but I forgot the safeword!

    • Radiotherapy

      You need some more of those 400 up fist, Win of the Month, comments like the Iraqi kid in Bush's jar of horror. So get to work owl-boy. Make me laugh — or cry.

  • MistaEko

    I'm hoping this is step one in NASA lifting from Ozymandias's plot to get humanity back on track.

    /the novel version, not the movie.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps we can all agree that this has something to do with Tom Cruise.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    What if the aliens are ghey and don't love Jeebus?

    That's why we keep all those extra nukes.

  • bureaucrap

    so it IS true about Elvis and JFK!!!

  • Mojopo

    Obviously we must send numerous cans of Lysol to Mars, before these haughty bacterium get ideas.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Here come the aliens. Hold onto your heads!

  • chascates

    "To Serve Man. It… it's a cookbook!"

  • Neilist

    Marc "Beastmaster" Singer will save us!

    When he's not taking it up the ass from Billy Ball, I mean.

    (Or is that a too-obscure reference to the Golden Days of S.F.'s ACT?)

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Astroboyologist= somebody who has seen all of the Astroboy cartoons

  • Mojopo

    I hope they found gravy.

  • neiltheblaze

    We're going to learn that we'll be able to extract an enzyme from alien DNA that allows human beings to live to be 300 years old – and the age for social security benefits will rise to 280 right after.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Then we are saved, but not so much the prey of Jeebus.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life."

    "John Carpenter's 'The Thing' was a documentary. We are fucked."

  • Gopherit

    Let's invite the aliens to a nice tea party, shall we?

  • Sheesko

    This showed in the last of the drive-ins back in, oh, the summer of '61, wasn't it? Mary Voytek was that Ina Balin who played the queen bee in that Outer Limits episode with Robert Culp. Funnily enough, Felisa Wolfe-Simon was played by Nancy Culp; this was the performance that caught the eye of the Beverly Hillbillies producers and made her a household name a year later. Oh, and Whitney Houston (ha ha get it? Houston?) played Pamela Conrad, the same year she was a guest bosom on The Man from UNCLE, the one about the island where all the UNCLE agents learned how to kill people 50 different ways with a fountain pen. Leslie Nielsen did his usual competent job as Professor Elser, but it was Tony Bill as Steven ("Steevo") Benner that was the real breakout performance. Sadly, the "distinguished" banner hung over him like a cloud when he later auditioned for parts in the Gidget movies and he never really went anywhere until he started directing.

    Are they going to show it with a real concession stand and everything? Because that would be cool.

  • AntonovBureau

    If Voltar isn't there I am not going to show up.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Where's John Carter when you need him?

  • XOhioan

    I know: Not only are all Mexicans aliens, but all aliens are Mexican.

  • ttommyunger

    I hope it is an announcement in favor of extraterrestrial life. The Xtian Right will go nuts hyperventilating over that announcement. It would give the queers and the brown people a much needed break.

  • MinAgain

    I want to believe.

  • lulzmonger

    As long as it gets the god-botherers' panties in a knot, it's all good.

    *crosses fingers for Martian fossil/s*

  • notreelyhelping

    Uh…we found this black slab on the moon, and we can't stop it from playing Ligeti.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    For the record, I consider myself a very distinguished fellow.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    V for Vendetta?
    wikileaks is zionist poison
    julian assange, the new yasser arafat
    wikileaks, a touch of assange and the stench of aipac

    • SorosBot

      That's almost a haiku; I was almost tempted to give your crazed, off-topic antisemitic ramblings a thumbs up because of the lyrical, poetic manner in which you wrote them.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Well, at least if it involves Vogons, we and the the fucking asshole wingers will all get flattened together.

    Man, we're really fucked when that qualifies as the "silver lining".

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    I think it's safe to say: EVERYBODY PANIC!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Ugh – oh…. Could life be imitating art?????
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQfdqUAweZ8

  • killbot

    do'h – you all got the 'To Serve Man' thing covered.

  • Dashboard_Jesus

    well of course they're grey, and why wouldn't they love the Jeebus? NOBODY fucks with the Jeebus! (oops, I see…'ghey' not grey…nevermind)

  • transfatz

    Are the Lizards for or against extending the unemployment benefits?

    • Negropolis

      Definitely for. The better to allow us to fatten ourselves up with. They can't have any stringy, gamey human appetizers, now can they?

      • transfatz

        So, I guess the economy will be looking up.

        O/T fellow nightbird, is your back better? I hope so.
        Also, I'd like to apologize for the very existence of N******t. You showed real class in the face of ugliness.

  • transfatz

    "being digested (while still alive) for a thousand years in the mouth/anus of the Galactic Horror Gods"
    Sarah Palin, the first hundred days.

  • mrpuma2u

    Ok this is a joke I saw somewheres else on the internets,

    Earth Person: Is there Jeebus on other worlds?

    Aliens: Yes we worship Jeebus too! He comes back and visits all the time. The first time he came we gave him a party and a big box of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do?