aids always ruins christmas

National Portrait Gallery Removes Ant Crucifix Art After GOP Threats

What is it with this guy and ants?The Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery has removed a video exhibit portraying the suffering of an AIDS victim because the Catholic League complained and John Boehner and Eric Cantor whined and threatened the institution’s funding. The video in question features a bit of footage of a crucifix sitting on a pile of dirt and ants, some of which walk on it, because ants are EVIL. “I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious,” the Portrait Gallery said in a statement. “It was not the museum’s intention to offend.” Yeah, it’s generally not the intention of anyone to offend! But it will happen, if enough people see a thing. And that makes it acceptable for the House Republican leadership to threaten censorship and bully art institutions.

This was all first brought to the fore by a person at CNSNews.com who saw that there would be an exhibition of gay and lesbian art at the Portrait Gallery and decided to go there and get offended at stuff. She also witnessed “Naked Brothers Kissing, Genitalia, and Ellen DeGeneres Grabbing Her Breasts,” according to her very journalistic report, but it is this crucifix thing that somehow got the Catholic League going.

Then Eric Cantor made a disproportionate response, because he desperately wants to show evangelicals how much he loves them despite being a KNOWN JEW.

And incoming House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called it an “outrageous use of taxpayer money and an obvious attempt to offend Christians during the Christmas season.”

“When a museum receives taxpayer money, the taxpayers have a right to expect that the museum will uphold common standards of decency. The museum should pull the exhibit and be prepared for serious questions come budget time,” Cantor said through a spokesman.

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Yes, obviously this museum was making a plot against Christians and their holiday, because everything is always about them. These few video stills were a conspiracy to offend people! The Portrait Gallery just wants to offend people so badly!

This video, which is from the same source but edited differently from the one that was in the Portrait Gallery before the Portrait Gallery got scared, shows this crucifix, if you think you are able to watch some ants without fainting (NSFW!).

It’s crazy how when a crucifix is on the ground a few ants will walk on it! It is so crazy that this is probably currently happening with the approximately 5.7 trillion Jesuses and saints and other Christian figures people put OUTSIDE in their front yards or whatever. And you know what happens to Christmas trees at Christmas tree farms? Ants walk on those too! This is all VERY OFFENSIVE and a plot by the ants/Smithsonian to ruin Jesus’s birfday party.

All art institutions should only be allowed to be curated by art-hating indignant monsters. That’s what the American people want, and that’s what House Republicans will give them. [Fox News]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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115 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    I have plenty of ants in my apartment since I went to Reno for thanksgiving and it rained while I was gone. We could make something out of them, maybe?

  2. GuyClinch

    Can somebody please dig up the corpse of Jesse Helms and put that on display? He'd want to get involved in this outrage, I'm sure.

        1. SorosBot

          All things dull and ugly,
          All creatures short and squat,
          All things rude and nasty,
          The Lord God made the lot.
          Each little snake that poisons,
          Each little wasp that stings,
          He made their brutish venom.
          He made their horrid wings.

          All things sick and cancerous,
          All evil great and small,
          All things foul and dangerous,
          The Lord God made them all.

          Each nasty little hornet,
          Each beastly little squid–
          Who made the spikey urchin?
          Who made the sharks? He did!

          All things scabbed and ulcerous,
          All pox both great and small,
          Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
          The Lord God made them all.

          Amen.

      1. SorosBot

        I don't think Jesus likes either better, because he's dead and so doesn't like anything, because of the whole no longer existing thing (if he even existed in the first place).

  3. DeeJayKitteh

    God forbid art offend! I can't wait until our Jesus-loving overlords complete their takeover of all three branches of the government, when our national museums can be filled with nothing but sweet non-offensive Thomas Kinkade prints.

      1. V572625694

        In order to enjoy the good news about the bankruptcy, I had to get past NPR's lead sentence: "There's a good chance you own something by Thomas Kinkade."

        No! There's no chance! Cuz I'd smash the mug or piss on the "painting" or smush ants on the mouse pad or whatever it would take to obliterate this schlockmeister's images.

        There's a good chance Boehner and Cantor do, though.

        1. harobedyelsnit

          I thought the same thing, and it's true, I do not own one T.Kinkade thing, but I did buy a Kinkade jigsaw puzzle for my Aunt Mary one Christmas. I knew she'd like it. I think it may have been glow in the dark or something.
          My favorite schlock artist is Bob Ross. His TV show is better than a sleeping pill.

      2. DeeJayKitteh

        What the hell was Obama thinking bailing out the banks and GM when this guy needed help?! Another example of his out-of-touch priorities.

      3. lumpenprole

        He's got a gallery in Monterey. It's hilariously ugly. I was walking down the street with my sister and she's all "yo, check it out, that's Thomas Kindkade's gallery." I looked up, started, and laughed and laughed. That was a great laugh. How many buildings can do that for you?

      4. ShaveTheWhales

        Sadly, it appears to only be Chapter 11, which means they'll just default on some debts, "reorganize", and continue to make me sick.

    1. mavenmaven

      This will be the new criterion for exhibiting paintings in Federally funded spaces:
      "Kinkade has said that the light that streams through his paintings is the light of Jesus".

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    I'd be willing to bet that on That Day, there were some ants crawling up the True Cross there on that hill, racing to get a chunk of that sweet, sweet Jesus-flesh to take back to the queen.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    “outrageous use of taxpayer money and an obvious attempt to offend Christians during the Christmas season.”

    Because the poor, oppressed Xtians are poor and oppressed. They just don't get no respect in Urban America.

      1. SorosBot

        They are just so oppressed by that damn Constitution preventing them from forcing their religion on everyone else.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    This is why I’m an atheist. There so much less in the world to find offensive.

    But don't get me started on stupidity.

    1. V572625694

      Cantor likey boobies! That's art!

      What kind of a Jew is this guy? Where's he from, Richmond or something?

    2. horsedreamer_1

      He loved the video for "(I'm a) Slave (for You)", but thought there was too much Britney in it.

      More man-flesh, please, also. L'Chaim!

  7. Terry

    The Catholic League is one loser of a man sitting at a typewriter in his basement, uh, home office. Why does he get attention?

        1. horsedreamer_1

          The Monsignor condemned the candy bikini at the Lingerie show not out of a sense of propiety but jealousy. She's hoarding all the good stuff.

      1. Terry

        Eh, officially they take direction from one man, but he sits in a fancy chair in Rome. Unofficially, they're an unruly bunch with different regions and ethnic groups taking their own slant on things.

    1. Beowoof

      That douche bag was on CNN this morning. Almost threw my coffee at the TV. He is such an irritating gas bag with no ability to think beyond what the boys in Rome have told him. And I hear he is planning an informercial where you can buy real artifacts from the crucifixon including pieces of the real cross. (fNot that cahtolics have ever done this shit before). And if you call in the next 10 minutes indulgences will be half off.

    1. harobedyelsnit

      Yeah, but I don't deserve what others elect dammit anyway. I'm so tired of people who vote against their own interest and then complain about how their elected official represent them or worse, don't blame the folks who are actually screwing them, but some other "them".

  8. Serolf_Divad

    How do we know there's a new GOP majority in the house? Because ridiculous bullshit like this is being thrust front and center of our national debate in place of shit that really matters (like… uh… I dunno… the worst economic downturn since the 1930's maybe?).

    Republicans are the masters of drawing the public's attention away from serous issues to focus on trivial, tangetial, irrelevant bullshit.

    1. SorosBot

      Coming soon to a Congress near you: the return of the failed flag-burning and gay-hating amendments!

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I am just thankful that it wasn't a "crucifix sitting on a pile of dirt and ants" in a jar of piss. That would have really torqued everyone off.

      1. bitchincamaro2

        Was it a Brooklyn Museum exhibit of same that allowed Giuliani and his storm troopers to rally 'round the old wooden cross and threaten the same fund-pulling prank? It never happened, btw, and neither shall it work this time, but damn, the R's know how to get that tempest raging in that teapot.

  10. jodyleek

    That settles it! "Piss Christ" is going on my Xmas cards. Now I just have to figure out
    how to Photoshop a tiny Santa's hat on his head.

  11. DoktorZoom

    I also like how, since this opened in, what, November, it is somehow automatically linked to Christmas. NOTHING UNCHRISTIAN MUST HAPPEN IN THE LAST MONTHS OF THE YEAR OR BABY JEBUS WILL CRY!!!!!

  12. comrad_darkness

    Freedom of expression for the win.

    All these artists, haven't they learned by now to submit their forms in triplicate ahead of time to the government Ministry of Propaganda and Theocratic Sensitivity?

  13. elviouslyqueer

    "American families have a right to expect better from recipients of taxpayer funds in a tough economy," Boehner said. "While the amount of money involved may be small, it’s symbolic of the arrogance Washington routinely applies to thousands of spending decisions involving Americans’ hard-earned money at a time when one in every 10 Americans is out of work and our children’s future is being threatened by debt.

    And yet, dear Bonehead, the GOP sees absolutely nothing wrong with failing to extend unemployment benefits for millions of Americans, all the while screaming like a toddler who missed its daily dose of Adderall about how tax cuts for the rich should never be allowed to expire. In sum, fuck you and fuck your fucking arrogance.

  14. SorosBot

    Do you know what else offends Bill Donahue, AKA the Catholic League? Everything. He gets especially offended by people being pissed off about raping children and covering it up.

      1. DoktorZoom

        One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

        (One so seldom gets an opportunity to use the full line. HAIL ANTS!!)

  15. jodyleek

    Totally o/t, but with my last comment, my p-score dropped from 87 to 37! What the? Oh, when the trolls come marching in!

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      It's p-score deflation, just like Glenn Beck warned us. Bet you wish you had bought gold when it was going for just 10p's an ounce.

      But I can't quite figure it out. I lost 13 points, but it sounds like a lot of people lost a lot more. Perhaps the great spirits of Wonkette are mad and have smited us all? We must make right and worship the Ant-Christ!

  16. OkieDokieDog

    I'm offended every time I drive pass a big-box Baptist church, but I don't stop and shoot at it with my bb gun or anything. I just keep going.

  17. SorosBot

    Shame on the Smithsonian, though, for saying that they regret the impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious. Sacrilege, and pissing off the whiny-ass deluded Christians who have always fucked this country up is a good thing.

  18. natoslug

    How about if we replace the crucifix with Cantor's severed penis? Would a little ant-encrusted Jew Junk make the Catholic League happy? Speaking of the Catholic League, their superpowers really suck balls. The Justice League has the Man of Steel, the Dark Knight, Mr. Gills and Wonder Woman (pardon me while I step away for a moment for some alone-time with me and my thoughts of Lynda Carter, a woman who would actually fill out yesterday's candy bikini very nicely). The Catholic League has Gropey Priest and Annoying Whiner. No wonder I never collected the series.

    1. Worthly Wokette Skum

      The Catholic League has Gropey Priest and Annoying Whiner.

      I'm pretty sure Robin was in the League what with all his holy thises and thats. That and being the nubile adolescent ward of a guy in a cowl.

  19. Crank_Tango

    maybe somebody left it in the backyard and it got all rusty? That's what happens to tools around my house.

    I just cruised through all my old comments and it didn't look like they had been exceptionally hate-fisted–not enough to warrant a 30 pee drop anyway…

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Uh-oh – mine dropped too. After I write about it in my diary, Dear Diary, today the Jebus peoples hated on me! – I'll sob myself to sleep.

      oops haha dairy/diary

  20. Spenceredux

    Let's just go ahead and replace this wooden cross thingy with a drawing of Mohammad and complete the total talibanification of American Christianity.
    Jesus, so thin skinned!

  21. Guppy06

    1.) It's a crucifix, a symbol that has more to do with Easter than it does Christmas. Unless you're concerned about being blamed for putting the guy on said crucifix to begin with.

    2.) It's Advent not "the Christmas (Shopping) Season." He phails at being a crypto-Catholic!

    3.) Where's the crypto-Catholic rage over the display running through Ash Wednesday and the first few days of Lent? Or does the War on Christmas ignore that Easter is supposed to be the bigger holiday?

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    You have to like that the first thing the Republicans do with their new power is go for censorship. Sort of like Ashcroft covering up the perverted, sexual statues over at Justice.

    1. OkieDokieDog

      I thought of that too. If I remember right, those new drapes cost around $18,000. Pocket lint in GOP money.

  23. LionelHutzEsq

    And why do people get offended by a few ants, when Boehner and Cantor are pissing all over the Constitution?

  24. Worthly Wokette Skum

    "When a museum receives taxpayer money, the taxpayers have a right to expect that the museum will uphold common standards of decency" … Cantor said

    Sure. Same common standard of decency we expect when we elect congressional representatives. But, we've clearly blown that one off, so museums are no big whoop.

  25. jim89048

    The Catholic League hasn't been worth watching since the great touch football contests of the Kennedy Administration.

  26. Mindblank

    I can't believe God would allow ants to walk on a crucifix and not zot them with lightning or a big magnifying glass or something.

  27. GOPCrusher

    This reminds of the Xtian poutrage over Larry Flynt putting "Jesus is returning, and he is pissed" on the back of Hustler magazine. The first thing I asked was, How did they know it was there?

  28. Doglessliberal

    Trickle-down economics (fuck the poors, the rich need a tax cut) and censorship: 80s flashback!

  29. JGambolputty

    This reminds me of the similarly stupid outrage in the late 90s over that black Virgin Mary picture that was all sensationalized as having *ELEPHANT* dung smeared ALL OVER it! Wikipedia tells me the Brooklyn Museum did lose funding, but that it was later restored. It would have been nice for the National Portrait Gallery to stand it's ground. Eventually this hubbub would have blown over. Alas, we're a country full of both irrational reactionaries and spineless capitulators..

  30. PublicLuxury

    non/snark kinda

    Don't you think it is weird that the Christians admire, wear and display the instrument of torture and ultimate demise of their saviour?

    So, let's say, I worshipped Tim McVeigh. Let's say he was martyred. Do you think it would be weird of me to walk around with a hypodermic needle around my neck? How about a tiny replica of an electric chair? What about a bullet? Lincoln dies of a gun shot wound. Maybe we should wear one around out neck to show how important Lincoln was to us.

    Or we could just shake out heads and lament the health care system for missing so many mentally ill people and allowing them to roam about without supervision or medication or something.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      One of the almost sane things about teh Mormons is that they do not use the cross as a symbol, specifically because they think it's a bad idea to emphasize all the Mel-Gibsony sado-masochistic aspects of the Crucifixion.

      I will not do the CNN thing and also discuss the less-sane tenets of the LDS, because it would take too long.

  31. torera

    It's interesting how even the guardians of religion get more and more STUPID. Time was when Xians were taught that all of creation–presumably even including ants–sought the wisdom and love of Our Savior. Of course, whatever lame-brained media reported this crap must be awarded Runner-Up Stupid.

  32. dontsteponsnake

    Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Someone should donate a set of trucknutz to the Smithsonian. The video was the artistic product of a person grappling with the fact that he was dying of AIDS in the early 90s – being marginalized by the government and vilified by the church as he was dying probably gives him the right to cover a wooden object with a few insects. Also, removing the video on the eve of world AIDS day was a super classy move. I spent a fair amount of time today writing biting letters to these people: Undersecretary for Arts and Humanities Richard Kurin (kurinr@si.edu), Secretary Wayne Clough (cloughs@si.edu), National Portrait Gallery Director Martin E. Sullivan (SullivanM@si.edu), and npgnews@si.edu.

    Snark also, too.

  33. Negropolis

    Is there a sadder Jew in the world than Eric Cantor? Have you ever seen someone try harder than he does to fit into what he sees as the cool kids clique? Have you ever seen someone try this hard this consistently to be liked?

    Really, no snark, here. Cantor is just a pitiful politician.

    1. finallyhappy

      If we could get him to convert, we would- really! We do not want him as one of us. He is truly a shandeh for the Yidden. As for standards of decency- my tax dollars are going to murder a lot of people in Iraq- that seems a lot more indecent then some photos/videos/paintings that almost no one was going to see. You go to American art or NPG and see how few visitors there are- they are hard core art people. It's only by mistake that most tourists make it into the National Gallery,Sackler, Freer or African Art- they don't leave the Mall and walk to 7th to go to see more art!

  34. schvitzatura

    How about a magen david, a koran, and a crucifix, covered in Halyomorpha halys, brown marmorated stink bugs?

    Offend, but equally…

  35. HistoriCat

    I am offended by this work but only because the whole "crucifix covered with …" motif has been done to death.

  36. Shar_S

    That was xxx and should of been in a porn shop and not where children are. The Smithsonian should have known better. They have lost my business and I will not buy or support them again. I am also wondering why my tax dollar is funding a business that should be able to complete in the market on its own.

  37. SorosBot

    Why the scare quotes? Conservatives have never cared about the debt, they're the ones who created it, so yes of course they'd want to raise the ceiling.

Comments are closed.