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Underwear Made of Old Corn-Syrup Candy To Be Paraded On TeeVee

Did any good political news appear in your editor’s inbox this afternoon? Oh here’s something that looks very relevant: The manufacturer of a brand of hard corn-syrup candies has arranged for samples of this item to be glued to an underwear model, for display on a television network tonight. We know for sure this famous New York publicity firm meant for us to have this information, because the email was sent specifically to your editor’s work email, at Wonkette. Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt, this sounds very compelling!

Let’s see the whole picture, of the lady with the empty expression and the nice body with the gross corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates:

Wonderful. The Christmas Season is truly here.

Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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          1. Plowmon

            Yeah, me too only now I need glasses to see. These kids today, just no respect, they dress like bums, their music is just noise and they got no pubic hair…

          2. OneDollarJuana

            It's the logical extension of the "youth culture". Regression bordering on pedophilia, seems to me. But I'm bordering on being an old.

  1. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh this is just disgusting. I will not participate with the usual juvenile comments.
    LET’S EAT!

  2. Eve8Apples

    If this were a real Christmas show, she would have sugar plum tits and a candy cane stuffed up her va-jay.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The video for "Teenage Dream" is the kind of soft-focus erotica Oprah used to show on her channel (The O?) late at nite, on weekends, also.

  3. LionelHutzEsq

    And, Ken, I can't help but feel you are being a bit dismissive of this glorious event. Who says the US takes second to anyone when it comes to inventiveness. Can you imagine what they would have done if they had known they would be getting a tax cut next year?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Oh, Baby Ruth, Look, it's my Big Hunk! Lick my Whopper Malted Milk Balls and I'll give you Hershey Kisses. Maybe tie you up with Licorice Ropes while you shake your Smartees. I'll slide my Butterfinger in your Lifesaver. Man, I love your Juicy Fruit! Waitaminnit!, do I hear Snickers? You say I got little M&M's? Well, whatcha gonna do about it? Go out with the Three Musketeers and Oh, Henry? Hey, baby, you aint' gonna find Mr. Goodbar there, just Nerds.

  4. slappypaddy

    this is the best argument for federal corn-syrup subsidies i've ever seen.

    do we have federal corn-syrup subsidies? and why the hell not?

    1. Beowoof

      High fructose corn syrup is really really bad for you, but hot model ass I can't think of anything I would rather eat.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        You'll need a Butterfinger to get her warmed up before you put your Tootsie Roll in her Mounds.

        (My god…this thread has brought out the worst in me.)

    1. Tundra Grifter

      If you can find it, there is an old jazz song "The Candy Rapper" that I would highly recommend! You'll get your full of Butterfinger jokes and many, many more.

      "Cracker Jack! You're better than the Three Musketeers!"

  5. mavenmaven

    If they had had the wisdom to put Carrie Prejean in it, it could have become a Tea Bag national talking point. Palin would have tweeted how it was a true Merkan response to Michelle's anti-obesity socialism, etc.

  6. problemwithcaring

    Candied Panties are the only way lard-asses like Rush Limbaugh can even begin to think of intercourse with a woman.

    (Of course, they'll need Cialis Panties to actually do the deed.)

  7. DashboardBuddha

    Her torso is two-tone…her right leg is Boehner orange and her left leg is sort of a "smoker's mottle". What gives?

  8. natoslug

    I must be older, as I looked for tits and hips, then gave up. I'd be willing to eat candy off any part of her, once she gives up on looking like a 12 year old boy.

  9. Redhead

    "Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”"

    You mean as long as you throw it up after?

  10. transfatz

    Oh please, please Santa, leave a lady with an empty expression and a nice body with corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates under my tree this year.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't recall the edible panties they used to sell in the Hustler and Penthouse back in the 70s/80s looking quite so, uh, knobbly.

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