WONKETTE UNDERWEAR CANDY NEWS  4:36 pm November 30, 2010

Underwear Made of Old Corn-Syrup Candy To Be Paraded On TeeVee

by Ken Layne

Did any good political news appear in your editor’s inbox this afternoon? Oh here’s something that looks very relevant: The manufacturer of a brand of hard corn-syrup candies has arranged for samples of this item to be glued to an underwear model, for display on a television network tonight. We know for sure this famous New York publicity firm meant for us to have this information, because the email was sent specifically to your editor’s work email, at Wonkette. Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt, this sounds very compelling!

Let’s see the whole picture, of the lady with the empty expression and the nice body with the gross corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates:

Wonderful. The Christmas Season is truly here.

Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 86 comments }

Mahousu November 30, 2010 at 4:41 pm

A little extreme, but if it stops the TSA gropers, I guess I can support it.

trondant November 30, 2010 at 4:41 pm
sarjo November 30, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Yo, Layne. You've been gone all day and THIS is what you bring home?

Lucidamente1 November 30, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I await the next abstinence ad starring Bristol Palin shaking her stuff in this underwear.

GOPCrusher November 30, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Maybe when Brisket was 11 years old. Now? She ain't fitting in any of it.

elviouslyqueer November 30, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Pshaw. This outfit is for supermodels, not supersized mamas.

sarjo November 30, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Actually, Bristol in a bikini might be the best abstinence argument around!

KathrynSane November 30, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Damn, that girl is so skinny. She needs to be eating that candy, not wearing it.

smokefilledroommate December 1, 2010 at 2:27 am

Yeah–especially with the jaundiced leg.

OneDollarJuana December 1, 2010 at 9:32 am

I think that photo makes her legs look kinda hairy. Mmmm, hair in my candy.

Crank_Tango November 30, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Yet another reminder that I won't be having dental insurance anytime soon…

ph7 November 30, 2010 at 4:46 pm

It reminds me of a creative way to floss.

Plowmon November 30, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Sorry old timer, these kids are shaved clean these days…

Beowoof November 30, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Yep, kind of liked the full bush look.

Plowmon November 30, 2010 at 8:18 pm

Yeah, me too only now I need glasses to see. These kids today, just no respect, they dress like bums, their music is just noise and they got no pubic hair…

mereoblivion November 30, 2010 at 4:44 pm

The director said, "I want you to think about nothing," and she said, "Already there."

Badonkadonkette November 30, 2010 at 4:46 pm

I'd eat that.

Had to be done.

OneDollarJuana November 30, 2010 at 5:00 pm

I don't care where that candy corn is glued, I ain't gonna eat it.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 30, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Oh this is just disgusting. I will not participate with the usual juvenile comments.
*twitching*
*sweating*
Gahhhhhhyhhhhhhhh!
LET’S EAT!
*shame*

sussemilch November 30, 2010 at 4:50 pm

She's a little shapeless, I prefer my edibles Good 'n Plenty

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Be careful – or you'll end up with a Baby Ruth.

jus_wonderin November 30, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Where is she hiding her Twix??

Rarian Rakista December 1, 2010 at 4:52 am

Are you implying she is a fudge packer?

Eve8Apples November 30, 2010 at 4:50 pm

If this were a real Christmas show, she would have sugar plum tits and a candy cane stuffed up her va-jay.

Ducandy November 30, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Leave Katy Perry alone!!!

horsedreamer_1 December 1, 2010 at 8:16 am

The video for "Teenage Dream" is the kind of soft-focus erotica Oprah used to show on her channel (The O?) late at nite, on weekends, also.

jim89048 November 30, 2010 at 4:51 pm

I didn't get that email. I'm sure it was an oversight.

V572625694 November 30, 2010 at 4:51 pm

So cruel not to give us a link. How will we ever find the site?

sarjo November 30, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Try googling "candy underpants girl," you'll find something!

Beowoof November 30, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Oh I am sure they will, maybe much more than anticipated.

horsedreamer_1 December 1, 2010 at 8:17 am

Or just book a flight to Japan.

T_Party_Pickens December 1, 2010 at 10:26 am

I can't believe I did this, but… http://www.robertvoltaire.com/blog/victorias-secr

slappypaddy November 30, 2010 at 4:53 pm

tasty little tit-bits?

SexySmurf November 30, 2010 at 4:56 pm

I'd like to put my Almond Joy in her Mounds.

DahBoner November 30, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Almond Joy's got nuts.

Not that there's anything wrong with that….

SexySmurf November 30, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Sometimes you feel nuts; sometimes you don't.

Beowoof November 30, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Well if you work for the TSA don't you feel nuts and lots of them everyday.

Negropolis December 1, 2010 at 12:04 am

That's so bisexual.

DashboardBuddha November 30, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Careful there sport, or you might wind up with a Baby Ruth.

OneDollarJuana November 30, 2010 at 5:01 pm

I know where the candy corn can be found. *

Rarian Rakista December 1, 2010 at 4:58 am

In kisses? I handed these out this year for Halloween, they have not made them since 2008, am I a bad person?
http://www.thechocolatereview.net/2008/11/20/hers

LionelHutzEsq November 30, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Is that candy on your ass, or are you just happy to see me?

Rarian Rakista December 1, 2010 at 4:59 am
LionelHutzEsq November 30, 2010 at 5:03 pm

And, Ken, I can't help but feel you are being a bit dismissive of this glorious event. Who says the US takes second to anyone when it comes to inventiveness. Can you imagine what they would have done if they had known they would be getting a tax cut next year?

Barbara_i November 30, 2010 at 5:03 pm

She looks like she has to hop around in the shower to get wet.

el_donaldo November 30, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt

I've got nothing bad to say about that.

sarjo November 30, 2010 at 5:05 pm

"But ma'am! I thought it was one of the candies!"

WhatTheHeck November 30, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Oh dear, one StarBurst led to a Milky Way.

OneDollarJuana December 1, 2010 at 9:46 am

Oh, Baby Ruth, Look, it's my Big Hunk! Lick my Whopper Malted Milk Balls and I'll give you Hershey Kisses. Maybe tie you up with Licorice Ropes while you shake your Smartees. I'll slide my Butterfinger in your Lifesaver. Man, I love your Juicy Fruit! Waitaminnit!, do I hear Snickers? You say I got little M&M's? Well, whatcha gonna do about it? Go out with the Three Musketeers and Oh, Henry? Hey, baby, you aint' gonna find Mr. Goodbar there, just Nerds.

slappypaddy November 30, 2010 at 5:08 pm

this is the best argument for federal corn-syrup subsidies i've ever seen.

do we have federal corn-syrup subsidies? and why the hell not?

hagajim November 30, 2010 at 5:11 pm

High fructose corn syrup and hot model ass….now that's change I can get behind….

Beowoof November 30, 2010 at 7:06 pm

High fructose corn syrup is really really bad for you, but hot model ass I can't think of anything I would rather eat.

horsedreamer_1 December 1, 2010 at 8:18 am

"behind"

JadedDissonance November 30, 2010 at 5:13 pm

I'm trying to work in a butterfinger joke and failing.

bagofmice November 30, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Try buttering up before you stick her finger

DashboardBuddha November 30, 2010 at 6:35 pm

You'll need a Butterfinger to get her warmed up before you put your Tootsie Roll in her Mounds.

(My god…this thread has brought out the worst in me.)

Tundra Grifter December 1, 2010 at 1:06 pm

If you can find it, there is an old jazz song "The Candy Rapper" that I would highly recommend! You'll get your full of Butterfinger jokes and many, many more.

"Cracker Jack! You're better than the Three Musketeers!"

bumfug November 30, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Call me when they shove a big-ass pretzel in her.

Rarian Rakista December 1, 2010 at 5:01 am

Like some sort of 10" long rod pretzel?

twoeightnine November 30, 2010 at 5:24 pm

SKIT-SKIT!

elviouslyqueer November 30, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Taste the rainbow!

mavenmaven November 30, 2010 at 5:30 pm

If they had had the wisdom to put Carrie Prejean in it, it could have become a Tea Bag national talking point. Palin would have tweeted how it was a true Merkan response to Michelle's anti-obesity socialism, etc.

BklynIlluminati November 30, 2010 at 5:51 pm

DIABEETUS!

problemwithcaring November 30, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Candied Panties are the only way lard-asses like Rush Limbaugh can even begin to think of intercourse with a woman.

(Of course, they'll need Cialis Panties to actually do the deed.)

Beowoof November 30, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Usually guys like him find a big wad of cash is the only way he can ever get laid.

Chet Kincaid November 30, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Candy-ass.

DashboardBuddha November 30, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Her torso is two-tone…her right leg is Boehner orange and her left leg is sort of a "smoker's mottle". What gives?

Ducandy November 30, 2010 at 6:58 pm

I agree those legs are disturbing.

Need more candy.

Hide those stumps.

donner_froh November 30, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt…

I knew America would find a way to be great again.

mrblifil November 30, 2010 at 6:36 pm

I'm reminded of the scene when Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka drinks the nectar and proceeds to eat the cup.

HempDogbane November 30, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Dentist: "What happened?"
Patient: "Busted a tooth on the edible panties."

natoslug November 30, 2010 at 7:49 pm

I must be older, as I looked for tits and hips, then gave up. I'd be willing to eat candy off any part of her, once she gives up on looking like a 12 year old boy.

tribbzthesquidz November 30, 2010 at 8:15 pm

America really wants bacon panties.

JustPixelz November 30, 2010 at 8:26 pm

If you build it, they will come.

She looks good enough to eat. The candy does too.

Redhead November 30, 2010 at 9:53 pm

"Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”"

You mean as long as you throw it up after?

MinAgain November 30, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Ah, I remember the good old days, when underwear candy was made with cane sugar.

Negropolis December 1, 2010 at 12:08 am

Remember, Ken, women don't sweat, they glisten.

OneDollarJuana December 1, 2010 at 9:48 am

Or "glow".

twoeightnine December 1, 2010 at 2:11 am

Every hot girl is a little bi-curious.

When drunk.

And everyone is watching.

Rarian Rakista December 1, 2010 at 4:54 am

If I wanted to watch idiots I used to care about dance like desperate white people I would go to my family reunions.

transfatz December 1, 2010 at 5:47 am

Oh please, please Santa, leave a lady with an empty expression and a nice body with corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates under my tree this year.

BaldarTFlagass December 1, 2010 at 7:10 am

I don't recall the edible panties they used to sell in the Hustler and Penthouse back in the 70s/80s looking quite so, uh, knobbly.

Tundra Grifter December 1, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Chew on this: "The Candy Rapper."
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/452301/the_candy_ra

All the candy bar jokes are here – and many more we couldn't think of. It's the original – and still the best.

OzoneTom December 1, 2010 at 1:36 pm

It's only fair. The low-carb folks had meat dresses (and skirt steaks?).

bletcherous December 1, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Can't like the blotchy Brown paint.

OneDollarJuana December 1, 2010 at 9:33 am

It's the logical extension of the "youth culture". Regression bordering on pedophilia, seems to me. But I'm bordering on being an old.

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