wonkette underwear candy news

Underwear Made of Old Corn-Syrup Candy To Be Paraded On TeeVee

Did any good political news appear in your editor’s inbox this afternoon? Oh here’s something that looks very relevant: The manufacturer of a brand of hard corn-syrup candies has arranged for samples of this item to be glued to an underwear model, for display on a television network tonight. We know for sure this famous New York publicity firm meant for us to have this information, because the email was sent specifically to your editor’s work email, at Wonkette. Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt, this sounds very compelling!

Let’s see the whole picture, of the lady with the empty expression and the nice body with the gross corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates:

Wonderful. The Christmas Season is truly here.

Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  • Mahousu

    A little extreme, but if it stops the TSA gropers, I guess I can support it.

  • trondant
  • sarjo

    Yo, Layne. You've been gone all day and THIS is what you bring home?

  • Lucidamente1

    I await the next abstinence ad starring Bristol Palin shaking her stuff in this underwear.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe when Brisket was 11 years old. Now? She ain't fitting in any of it.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Pshaw. This outfit is for supermodels, not supersized mamas.

    • sarjo

      Actually, Bristol in a bikini might be the best abstinence argument around!

  • KathrynSane

    Damn, that girl is so skinny. She needs to be eating that candy, not wearing it.

    • smokefilledroommate

      Yeah–especially with the jaundiced leg.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I think that photo makes her legs look kinda hairy. Mmmm, hair in my candy.

  • Crank_Tango

    Yet another reminder that I won't be having dental insurance anytime soon…

    • ph7

      It reminds me of a creative way to floss.

      • Plowmon

        Sorry old timer, these kids are shaved clean these days…

        • Beowoof

          Yep, kind of liked the full bush look.

          • Plowmon

            Yeah, me too only now I need glasses to see. These kids today, just no respect, they dress like bums, their music is just noise and they got no pubic hair…

          • OneDollarJuana

            It's the logical extension of the "youth culture". Regression bordering on pedophilia, seems to me. But I'm bordering on being an old.

  • mereoblivion

    The director said, "I want you to think about nothing," and she said, "Already there."

  • Badonkadonkette

    I'd eat that.

    Had to be done.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I don't care where that candy corn is glued, I ain't gonna eat it.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh this is just disgusting. I will not participate with the usual juvenile comments.
    *twitching*
    *sweating*
    Gahhhhhhyhhhhhhhh!
    LET’S EAT!
    *shame*

  • sussemilch

    She's a little shapeless, I prefer my edibles Good 'n Plenty

    • Tundra Grifter

      Be careful – or you'll end up with a Baby Ruth.

      • jus_wonderin

        Where is she hiding her Twix??

        • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

          Are you implying she is a fudge packer?

  • Eve8Apples

    If this were a real Christmas show, she would have sugar plum tits and a candy cane stuffed up her va-jay.

    • Ducandy

      Leave Katy Perry alone!!!

      • horsedreamer_1

        The video for "Teenage Dream" is the kind of soft-focus erotica Oprah used to show on her channel (The O?) late at nite, on weekends, also.

  • jim89048

    I didn't get that email. I'm sure it was an oversight.

  • V572625694

    So cruel not to give us a link. How will we ever find the site?

    • sarjo

      Try googling "candy underpants girl," you'll find something!

      • Beowoof

        Oh I am sure they will, maybe much more than anticipated.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Or just book a flight to Japan.

    • T_Party_Pickens

      I can't believe I did this, but… http://www.robertvoltaire.com/blog/victorias-secr

  • slappypaddy

    tasty little tit-bits?

  • SexySmurf

    I'd like to put my Almond Joy in her Mounds.

    • DahBoner

      Almond Joy's got nuts.

      Not that there's anything wrong with that….

      • SexySmurf

        Sometimes you feel nuts; sometimes you don't.

        • Beowoof

          Well if you work for the TSA don't you feel nuts and lots of them everyday.

        • Negropolis

          That's so bisexual.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Careful there sport, or you might wind up with a Baby Ruth.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I know where the candy corn can be found. *

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Is that candy on your ass, or are you just happy to see me?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    And, Ken, I can't help but feel you are being a bit dismissive of this glorious event. Who says the US takes second to anyone when it comes to inventiveness. Can you imagine what they would have done if they had known they would be getting a tax cut next year?

  • Barbara_i

    She looks like she has to hop around in the shower to get wet.

  • el_donaldo

    Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt

    I've got nothing bad to say about that.

  • sarjo

    "But ma'am! I thought it was one of the candies!"

  • WhatTheHeck

    Oh dear, one StarBurst led to a Milky Way.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Oh, Baby Ruth, Look, it's my Big Hunk! Lick my Whopper Malted Milk Balls and I'll give you Hershey Kisses. Maybe tie you up with Licorice Ropes while you shake your Smartees. I'll slide my Butterfinger in your Lifesaver. Man, I love your Juicy Fruit! Waitaminnit!, do I hear Snickers? You say I got little M&M's? Well, whatcha gonna do about it? Go out with the Three Musketeers and Oh, Henry? Hey, baby, you aint' gonna find Mr. Goodbar there, just Nerds.

  • slappypaddy

    this is the best argument for federal corn-syrup subsidies i've ever seen.

    do we have federal corn-syrup subsidies? and why the hell not?

  • hagajim

    High fructose corn syrup and hot model ass….now that's change I can get behind….

    • Beowoof

      High fructose corn syrup is really really bad for you, but hot model ass I can't think of anything I would rather eat.

    • horsedreamer_1

      "behind"

  • JadedDissonance

    I'm trying to work in a butterfinger joke and failing.

    • bagofmice

      Try buttering up before you stick her finger

      • DashboardBuddha

        You'll need a Butterfinger to get her warmed up before you put your Tootsie Roll in her Mounds.

        (My god…this thread has brought out the worst in me.)

    • Tundra Grifter

      If you can find it, there is an old jazz song "The Candy Rapper" that I would highly recommend! You'll get your full of Butterfinger jokes and many, many more.

      "Cracker Jack! You're better than the Three Musketeers!"

  • bumfug

    Call me when they shove a big-ass pretzel in her.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Like some sort of 10" long rod pretzel?

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    SKIT-SKIT!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Taste the rainbow!

  • mavenmaven

    If they had had the wisdom to put Carrie Prejean in it, it could have become a Tea Bag national talking point. Palin would have tweeted how it was a true Merkan response to Michelle's anti-obesity socialism, etc.

  • BklynIlluminati

    DIABEETUS!

  • problemwithcaring

    Candied Panties are the only way lard-asses like Rush Limbaugh can even begin to think of intercourse with a woman.

    (Of course, they'll need Cialis Panties to actually do the deed.)

    • Beowoof

      Usually guys like him find a big wad of cash is the only way he can ever get laid.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Candy-ass.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Her torso is two-tone…her right leg is Boehner orange and her left leg is sort of a "smoker's mottle". What gives?

    • Ducandy

      I agree those legs are disturbing.

      Need more candy.

      Hide those stumps.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Old candy stuck on some sweaty model’s butt…

    I knew America would find a way to be great again.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I'm reminded of the scene when Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka drinks the nectar and proceeds to eat the cup.

  • HempDogbane

    Dentist: "What happened?"
    Patient: "Busted a tooth on the edible panties."

  • natoslug

    I must be older, as I looked for tits and hips, then gave up. I'd be willing to eat candy off any part of her, once she gives up on looking like a 12 year old boy.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    America really wants bacon panties.

  • JustPixelz

    If you build it, they will come.

    She looks good enough to eat. The candy does too.

  • Redhead

    "Everybody remember to eat lots of this brand of candy! It’s the only way to “become a lingerie model.”"

    You mean as long as you throw it up after?

  • MinAgain

    Ah, I remember the good old days, when underwear candy was made with cane sugar.

  • Negropolis

    Remember, Ken, women don't sweat, they glisten.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Or "glow".

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    Every hot girl is a little bi-curious.

    When drunk.

    And everyone is watching.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    If I wanted to watch idiots I used to care about dance like desperate white people I would go to my family reunions.

  • transfatz

    Oh please, please Santa, leave a lady with an empty expression and a nice body with corn-syrup candies stuck to her privates under my tree this year.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't recall the edible panties they used to sell in the Hustler and Penthouse back in the 70s/80s looking quite so, uh, knobbly.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Chew on this: "The Candy Rapper."
    http://www.metacafe.com/watch/452301/the_candy_ra

    All the candy bar jokes are here – and many more we couldn't think of. It's the original – and still the best.

  • OzoneTom

    It's only fair. The low-carb folks had meat dresses (and skirt steaks?).

  • bletcherous

    Can't like the blotchy Brown paint.