Republican caucus! Republican caucus! Look what Joe Barton made! He put together a slideshow about how he will be the best Energy and Commerce chairman ever. He worked really hard on it, as you can see from the slide above comparing the denying of access to health care to being the good guys in World War II, so someone should print this out and put it on the fridge.
Here are “The Facts.” There are seven (7) facts in the entire universe:
You know, facts. This is the second time in our nation’s history that Republicans have held power in Congress, for example.
Obviously a GOP member of Congress leaked this to the press because Barton made a mistake: He wrote “You need your best team on the field from Day One” under “The Answers” and wrote “You want your best people on the field from Day One” on the “In a Nutshell” slide. So he plagiarized his own slide within the same PowerPoint, but it’s worth saying twice: You want/need to use sports metaphors even when your opponents are pretty much Nazis and fascists and Imperial Japan, like in those cool war movies. [WP via Gawker]
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Look at all the old white assholes in that powerpoint!
Seriously? What a freakin' wanker.
This is the same fucking idiot who is discouraging the use of wind energy because we might use up all the wind.
Now is when I do my drinky-drinky-weepy-crashy thing.
Would you like some of my special driving pills?
And also – "put that in my scope and shoot it" just sounds ghey, no matter how gruff the person saying it. The fact that Joe Barton is a mushy little marshmellow of a man doesn't help.
Also doesn't sounds like good weapons handling…in fact it sounds kinda like the Laverne & Shirley theme song.
Gay? Is it gay to say he'll cock it firs… he'll make sure he's ejected th…. he'll ram a new cartridg… he'll putt the butt against his… you know, it does sound pretty gheyyyyyyyyy.
Hmmm, and make sure your powder is dry, baby….
Didn't they just arrest some guy for saying the same thing about Obama? (hint: yes they did)
"the second chance was worth it" So, you're admitting that the GOP has been mightily fucking up for the last 10 years?
"the second chancre was worth it" Fixed.
I didn't know Ike was an orange cry baby who made big talk about plans to retake Nazzi held Europe, but whose only plan was based on buzzwords like "2nd Front" and "D-Day."
As for Barton as Patton.
"Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by kissing the asses of those dumb bastards who killed the Gulf of Mexico."
And then he would apologize to the Japanese for how they were treated following Pearl Harbor.
He forgot the picture of Obama as Hitler to complete the WWII reference.
guess it goes without saying with his target audience
Let's see, a Texan who wants to put anything in his scope and shoot it. That puts him in good company, along with Dick Cheney and Lee Harvey Oswald. If I were Barry, I wouldn't be motorcading through Dallas any time soon.
For a guy so bellicose, I'm sure he went to Vietnam to show them gooks the what what!!!
What? He didn't? Gee, I'm shocked.
Same thing I was thinking. Let's put him and Sarah Palin in a room with patriotic military recruiting posters and loaded guns and see who accidentally shoots themselves first.
To be fair, he had undescended testicles during the Viet era draft, or maybe they re-ascended due the draftiness of the US of A back then.
Now that is funny. Well said.
I want to be George Patton
Um. Yeah. See, the thing is, George Patton was actually in the military. But you're just a whiny little bitch too chickenshit to serve. That is all.
Actually, that's not all. You know who else is a whiny little bitch too chickenshit to serve? John Boehner. And Eric Cantor, even though Cantor can at least claim the excuse that he just didn't sign up, unlike you and Boehner, who weaseled out of service, because you're just a couple of chickenshits. So please stop insulting veterans you are too cowardly to serve with by comparing yourself to them. It's embarassing. You whiny, chickenshit little bitches.
I think these words need to be sent via handwritten letters to the above-mentioned whiny chickenshit little bitches.
Maybe what he means is that, like Patton, he plans to be killed in a car accident.
I think he's referring to the time he shot that donkey on a bridge in Italy.
Well, ok, it was a squirrel and not a donkey.
And he hit it with his car rather than shooting it.
And it was on River Road in Bethesda.
Still pretty much the same thing.
But first he's gonna go slap him some interns and staffers.
Joe Barton was born in 1949. Fact!
Joe Barton was of age during Viet Nam. Fact!
Joe Barton was a wussy who couldn't serve in The United States Military. Fact!
If anyone needed proof that this whole tea bag thing is for the senior demographic only, this pretty much nails it.
Like some 22 year old knows who Omar Bradley was.
Didn't he make tents?
Sounds kinda muslin to me.
I thought he starred in "Lawrence of Arabia."
Nah, he was in "The King and Me."
"Omar?" Sounds kinda terrist to me.
Isn't he the black guy on House?
No, he was the scary dude on The Wire.
"Mister, we could use a man like Harry Truman again!"
I think he plays for the Phillies.
Wasn't he the bearded colored man making everyone uncomfortable on 60 Minutes?
Everyone except Michael Jackson, who COULDN'T TAKE A FUCKING HINT, so ended up skeeving the b-jesus outta poor Mr. Bradley.
Well, that makes me feel old. I got to hear Omar speak in the mess hall at USAFA a few years before he died.
You win a hundred battles, they call you Omar the General. But you suck one cock…
Hmm — ol' Representative Patton here was born in 1949, which means he would've been of service age at the height of the Vietnam War. So his service? He slogged through the jungles of graduate school before sucking Big Oil dick for decades. Give that man the Bronze Chickenshit with Tiny Ball Clusters.
And the citation: Your service reflects great discredit upon yourself, your country, and whatever corporate energy firm you are shilling for this week.
It's funny how folks who have never seen the inside of a uniform love to make World War II analogies (and thus implicitly compare the current President to Hitler).
No, wait; it's not funny. It's juvenile and stupid and I'm sure this will become a hot talking point in corporate media: "Is Joe Barton George Patton or Merely a Warmed-Over Westmoreland? Find Out TONIGHT"
the only dreams these republican so-called leaders have are wet dreams. then they leave their sticky briefs for their illegal immigrant maids to clean.
not that i have anything against illegal immigrant maids. they are the backbone of what's left of american achievement.
but obamacare compounds all problems? come on, give me a fucking break. any of you trolls out there, you can't possibly believe this, can you? compounds all problems? and don't try to scoot out of this by telling me i know what he means. he doesn't even know what he means, how the hell am i supposed to know what he means?
i know this: dwight eisenhower, omar bradley, and george patton–especially george patton–would have no hesitation telling these republican so-called leaders that they are full of shit. george would top that off with a round of rousing slaps across a set of smug faces, shut some lying mouths.
at ease.
"Hey, people! Why is SlappyPaddy's glass empty?! Fill that thing up!"
i kept editing. i got carried away and had to cut out some of the crap.
Are you kidding? I admire you're self control. I'd be off the rails with anger were it not for Wonkette's soft jazz political stylings. And booze.
To any Wonketeer graphic designer: please calculate the billable hours used to create this invidious piece of Goebbelsian propaganda pr0n, so we can demand that the amount be deducted from the salary we taxpayers pay to Joe Barton (R-BP).
This piece of crap- he could have used a not really smart 4th grader to produce this. I've seen much better work from 6th and 7th graders
He only needs to show up occasionally to vote "no" on important legislation, so he's got lots of time to kill.
You know, facts. This is the second time in our nation’s history that Republicans have held power in Congress, for example.
Is that what he means? I just figured The Second Chance was Barton's favorite lesbian-bondage-themed strip club.
Where's the part where he says, "I make no apologies for not knowing a damn thing about Energy or Commerce. I'm sorry, I'm just an old white Texas Republican and I deserve this job, because I will do nothing for the betterment of the United States, as in my agreement with the oil and gas industry CEOs, who paid for my campaign" ??
ps this too;also – Patton would bitch slap this wimpy assed creampuff.
When Barton said the electorate is expecting action, I'm pretty sure he meant hawt man-on-man action, though I'm pretty sure that's not exactly what the electorate is expecting, although maybe they are. Republicans always with the ass-fucking…
My 6 year old kid could do a better power point and I don't even have a 6 year old kid.
I did enjoy his sucking up to the freshman though. He's probably scared of teabaggers.
Someone told him the freshmen work for BP.
Would Sarah Palin be Sgt. Schultz under this rubric?
would she ever admit to knowing nothing?
Schultz knew what was going on and always said he didn't. So Palin's actually the anti-Sgt. Schultz.
Palin is much more like Col Klink– she thinks she's awesome, but in fact…not so much.
http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/46500/Pvt-Pa...
well her offspring clearly have the teutonic thighs.
Why can't Obama be more bipartisan?
You guys got DADT!
And NOW you want Obummer to be bi?
They still aren't taking the news that America voted an African-American man to be President, very well.
What a craptastic powerpoint. Eye-bleeding content aside, that's a babystep away from gold spray-painted macaroni glued onto a paper plate. Take away the references to ancient WWII generals, and it looks like something my younger brother would turn in for his 5th grade social studies mock election project.
You know, I'm pretty sure he advocated violence against members of our current administration in that little slideshow. Oh, Secret Service…
Aw, that's so cute, you guys. He wants to play pretend-war, for pretend. Like every other chickenshit Republican who pooped his panties when actual war came knocking,but now that they're old, they're all POW POW POW I WANNA BE A HERO LIKE ALL THOSE BIG STRONG BRAVE MEN WHOSE EXPLOITS GAVE ME A TINY BONER IN MY BOYHOOD!
Sorry, Joey, your ship to manhood sailed decades ago, without you. Here, have a dick-shaped dick-flavored lolly.
Rep. Joe Linus Barton, 2109 Rayburn HOB, WDC 20515
Tel: 202-225-2002
Fax: 202-225-3052
Everybody call and ask for Gen. Patton–you know, the one who never served.
Of all the many sweepingly terrible, scrofulous Republitards in Congress, this guy really takes the shitcake. And yes, his middle name is "Linus".
I did it. It was funny.
–Congressman Joe Barton's office.
–Hello is General Patton in?
–Who's calling please?
–Omar Bradley.
–OK do you have a point to make that you'd like me to pass along? Because the way you started this conversation makes me think it's not going to go well.
–Yeah, pass this along. My point is that draft-dodgers should not go around comparing themselves to generals.
–OK thank you.
I was surprised he didn't hang up as soon as I said Patton.
I'm suprised the phone-answerer had even the SLIGHTEST clue what you were talking about.
Anyway, kudos for actually doing that. A million imaginary p-points! And one thumb, as that's all I'm allowed to give you.
Joe Barton will plagiarize his way to victory in Europe.
When do we invade Poland?!!
I love how he found a picture of Eisenhower in orange to compare Boehner to.
Jack, you didn't even need to write the piece – the alt-text sums up the entire Power Point: my brother with his G.I. Joe shooting at my Gumbi and Pokey and lobbing grenades at the Lincoln Log fort where he imprisoned them.
The Republicans are going to do DressUp next year? Will Lieberman be invited – I hear he does a great Droopy Dog.
Barton is from Texas, so let's make him be Ambrose Burnside or some other terrible Union general. That'll score him points with the district.
Obamacare is compounding ALL of the problems? Fuck.
What's the metaphor this absolute JACKHOLE uses? The fucking military!
"Defense" is 63% percent of the fucking budget, $3000 per second, and have you heard one GAHDAMN utterance from these beady-eyed fucking TEA PARTY sympathizing slobs about cutting defense spending!
When will the adults arrive on capitol hill?
Exactly. Plus, Eisenhower himself no doubt would want to cut the Pentagon budget. Hell, he coined the term "military-industrial complex." But no matter, it's probably only a matter of days before Barton is found comatose in pantyhose, hanging limply from the closet bar after trying out that neat auto-erotic asphyxiation thing he heard about from Steve King.
I wouldn't be surprised if Republicans these days thought "military-industrial complex" was meant as a positive phrase.
Yes! You heard them whining about SecDef Gates snuffing the F-22. Soon you'll hear them howling for Gates' liver about his (somewhat lukewarm) recommendation to deep-six DADT.
Best SecDef evah!
NO HIGGS BOZON —> OBAMACARE!
NO PERPETUAL MOTION MACHIEN —> OBAMACARE!
NO FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH —> OBAMACARE!
NO UNICORN THAT POOPS GOLD COINZ —> OBAMACARE!
(etc., ad nauseam)
They start blaming Obama and the Democrats.
"Start." Good one.
I dunno but I think Mitch McConnel could be Goering.
His references to battle and generals definitely convince me that Republicans have laid the groundwork for compromise.
Good thing the administration already prepared the documents of surrender. That Obama is such a good worker. Always ahead of the game.
I thought Man-Chin had already shot everything. I don't think there's anything left for Barton Fink! : (
The GOP sez: The only good soldier is a dead soldier.
I want to be George Patton
Isn't that cute! Last week he wanted to be a cowboy. He'd run around all morning making finger-guns, going "Bang! You're dead!" and having pretend gunfights with the Boehner boy next door until it was time for a juicebox and a nap. Next week it'll probably be Astronauts.
It's my experience that all powerpoint presentations suck balls. I especially like when at company meetings the douche who wrote it reads me the slides. God shoot me now.
Powerpoint is so over used that the military now calls those Lts who have to prepare that shit "powerpoint rangers".
The good old days — before the U.S. army was integrated.
I want to be Patton! I want to be Patton! Please LET ME BE PATTON!
Desperate much?
No, me me me! I want the riding crop! You be horsey! I am RANKING MEMBER!!!
I want to be Barbie! The bitch has everything!
"Expansion of the size and scope of government. "
Please, no one tell him that has been happening since, like, 1812.
Yeah, Barton's just another Keyboard Kommando. Major league Chickenhawk and arm-chair warrior. All hat and no cattle, as I believe they say in Texas.
Who will be their Lt. William Calley?
Ah, someone should tell this chickenhawk that in general, Generals in their line of work do not shoot guns and most certainly do not carry around rifiles with scopes.
Maybe he can be a SPECIAL general and they will give him a gun with no bullets in it and wink and smile when he gets all excited about shooting up dah Democraps.
And it has to have the kung fu grip, if you know what I mean and I think you do… Cause the GIJwTKFG is the coolest!
I thought Ike was a Commie to these assholes…
You know it is funny that a bunch of assholes who never heard a shot fired at them in anger, could be such fans of the military movie genere. Almost John Wayne (Another prick who liked talking about war and pretending on camera, but didn't do any fighting) like in their republican zeal. You know talk all kinds of shit about being tough guys and such, but never having fought in a real war clueless as what it means.
I have had this obersvation that those who actually fought in World War II came home to a country they helped build into one the strongest and most revered in the world. And those folks, who grew up in the depression and fought in war, also came to the table with some compassion for their fellow Americans. These current guys are all gimmie that its mine and none of poor, especially poor brown people should do anything but get back out to the fields and grow our crops, take care of our children. Jesus what a bunch of fuck heads this country has turned into.
I second that.
Real soldiers go places where pieces of metal, glass, stone and other soldiers fly around at the speed of sound. Who wouldn't want to be a general instead?
Right on…
I don't comment much anymore because I just lose it when I think of these assholes. It's like they're clawing their way back to power to finish the country off , right between the eyes.
Back to smoking weed and listening to Talib Kweli…
Five-star generals/admirals never retire. I believe he also had quarters at Walter Reed.
Officers' wives are usually monsters whatever their "rank."
So which Republican is George Marshall? Or was he too much of a commie? (Then again, so was Ike, and Boehner is supposed to be him).
And I forgot, but did Patton apologize to Hitler for the war? If not, I don't see how Barton can hope to be him?
The powerpoint is clearly a misconstruction. And the Marshall plan was clearly a misreconstruction.
Nobody at DoD can decipher the alt-text: too many acronyms.
Missing Fact:
● We have no answers.
If he's so bored that he's farting around the office making dumb powerpoint slides, his staff really needs to figure out how to put him to better use. Maybe he could spend his days licking envelopes or dusting.
I'll be damned….every time I see Speaker Boehner I think of a talking dick….oh – wait…..
I think Barton now ought to be given the ranking position of House Republican dumb fuck….or does that distinction belong to Steve King? So many dmb fucks, so little time.
By the way, if Barton actually knew who Omar Bradley was, and what his views were, for example on the war against North Korea, he probably would have not used him in a current Repub powerpoint. Certainly Sarah Palin would have tweeted against him.
So who does Tony Hayward play in this? Queen Mum or Gen. Montgomery?
I hope Michelle Malkin plays Hirohito.
I always imagined Malkin as a tasteless Imelda Marcos.
Clearly Michelle would be Tokyo Rose. She almost is right now.
Wow that's umm well, hmm can't quite put my finger on it, let me see here….That's a whole lot of fucking douchebaggary in one slide show there buddy.
So moving toward the future is doing what we did in the 40's? Don't let this guy anywhere near education legislation.
People liked Ike. I've seen the buttons. Can you imagine somebody wearing a campaign button that says "I like Boehner"
And Sarah Palin is the Italian hooker who services all of them.
As shown in the documentary "Who's Nailin' Paylin?".
Are there any members of the republican caucus with a maturity above that of a seven year old? Anyone?
Republicans: If it's not fundie wankers plotting the apocalypse, it's man children anguishing in acid jealousy over someone else's military glory.
Patton would've never apologized to BP.
He apologized to the soldier he slapped, sure, but not to BP.
Joe is he Hitler or is he just some lazy dumb Negro graffiti artist raising gutter trash in the White House? HE CAN'T BE BOTH.
You really want to be the crazy but brilliant guy who believed he was the reincarnated Hannibal, a field marshal for Napoleon, and Roman legionnaire?
First of all, I am certain that Patton shat chunks in his stool that were smarter and more capable than Joe Barton on a daily basis. I am sure Patton would slap this pansy for apologizing to BP for them destroying our Gulf. He also has no military background. Playing Civilization IV doesn't count.
Maybe Joe's going to piss in the Rhein, too. Except his penis is so small, he'd take too long to pull it out and the photographers would get bored and walk away. (My personal favorite photo of Patton, by the way, is him urinating in the Rhein, cock in hand.)
Is this mother-fucker saying that A STATE OF WAR presently exists between the Refucklicant Party and the United States of America? 'Cause that's how I read this. Isn't there a word for that? Isn't the punishment, ahem, severe for that?
So then Pelosi would be Hans Guderian, Hoyer is VonRundsted and Dingell is Erwin Rommel? Does that mean Joe Lieberman is Il Duce?
Lieberman is Il Douche.
I honestly don't understand this.
Eisenhower was a figurehead "general" who had to be "backstopped" by more experienced, British commanders to prevent him from making mistakes.
Bradley was one of the most overrated commanders in WWII, and rode to prominence more on the basis of the whole "GI General" myth (thank you, Ernie Pyle) than actual ability.
And Patton was an armor, not a small arms, expert. To the extent that he had any reputation with the latter, it was as an Olympics pistol shot, not as a rifleman using a scope.
Oh, wait.
I forgot . . . logic and history have no place in Politics Land.
Never mind.
You're making Barton's case for him, at WWII general's expense. Ike was no better a leader then Boehner, right? Cantor is no more an "everyman" than Bradley. And, of course, Patton's 3rd Scope Division was feared by everyone.
Patton (in the movie, anyway) said he wanted his troops to fear him more than they feared the Germans. If the American people are his troops, then Barton's already succeeded.
True story: In the middle of the winter fighting in Europe, Patton dispatched "Task Force Baum" into German-held territory to capture a POW camp that was holding his son-in-law. Talk about family values! Well, not so much for the families of the 32 soldiers who were killed on this personal mission.
Thanks for the explanation.. But I still don't get the . . .simile? Analogy? Comparison? Whatever.
But if you want to get into Patton, try Carlo d'Este's "Patton: A Genius For War":
http://www.amazon.com/Patton-Genius-War-Carlo-Des...
A well-written biography on a fascinating subject. The book captures, in a way the movie didn't, a man who was at the same time Batshit Crazy and a Genius/True Professional at what he did.
(Sort of like Neilist!)
Neilist
Scholar in Resident
Wonkette Department of Military History
Beck On-Line University
"We're Fuckin' WIRED! Are YOU?"
P.S. Of course Patton sent "Task Force Baum" to free his son-in-law. If you're going to send someone out to get slaughtered by the Germans, who better than an Jew?
Or maybe Patton had a precognitive revelation about "Inglorious Bastards"?
So this idiot spends his spare time watching The History Channel and masturbating furiously? What is it with these people? They defer themselves out of "glory" in Southeast Asia and then fantasize about this shit. I remember when they laughed until they shit themselves at the sight of Dukakis and his teeny little head poking out of that big fucking helmet, and this is any more dignified? If these douchebags had ever served in the 60's they would have been fragged by their own troops. Even if they were stationed in fucking Ohio.
Blowjob! (sneezing into hands)
What are the odds that ol' Bart-y Boy was rubbing his half pack of Rolaids with one hand while composing this magnum opus with the other?
What are the odds he couldn't make a powerpoint by himself if his life depended on it?
Little kid # 1: I'm Rambo.
Little kid # 2: No. I'm Rambo.
Little kid # 1: Oh, alright. You're Rambo and I'm the Terminator.
Little kid # 2: Sweeeeet!!!!!
(Both run away making machine gun noises.)
Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle.
~George S. Patton
So, uh, that would make Joe the VM evader, by Patton's definition, un-American.
Joe, wanna pick another superhero to be?!
ah! you are a tricksey poppet.
"You Lie" was actually Joe Wilson( Rtard) S.C., but i'm sure that pigeyed poop sack Barton would have.
It's erudite "commentator", and thank you
“The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy”
- Louis Ferdinand Celine, bitches!
I know how you feel. This place reassures me that at least I'm crazy in very good company.
Wrong analogy…Boehner is Dorothy, Cantor is Blanche, Barton is Rose, …etc
Whenever I see a picture of Joe Barton I think of a few things:
- I see bacon.
- I smell bacon.
- I see an Arkansas Piggly Wiggly, complete with a chain-smoking cashier.
where did the "omar" come from, in omar bradley? was he a , gasp, muslim? can we ever have another general with the name omar again?
yes, this country sucks now. glad i left the theocratic states of america yrs ago and moved to europe, where i can FREE GOVT HEALTH CARE, just like all those congressmen who rant about socialized medicine.
by the way, in my youth, i worked at the US Census Bureau, which was an early version of wonkette. lots of smart folks there, and none of that jeebus stuff either. just do the counting…
Merde. I am stranded in Chicago, which is OK because Rahm Emmanuel is about to transform it into a paradise on earth.
You know, when bush was tearing up our government, with the help for 6 years of a Repblican congress, I wrote letters and called whomever needed to be called.
But I was never disrespectful of the POTUS .
The republicans have lowered the bar on civility and decorum. They themselves will be sitting ducks for the next 6 months.
If the obstruct or lock down the government, they should be prepared for a revolt from the American people.
Instead of Joe Barton being General Patton, might I suggest that he is more in the "Mr. Pink" territory.
Keep your powerpoint dry boys until you see the whites of their eyes.
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