The UN Wants Your Guns So It Can Kill You With Them, For Irony

  rumors on the internets
  • The most powerful branch of the U.S. government, the UN, is going to take away all your guns and force all Americans to dip their fries in disgusting mayonnaise like a common Belgian. [WorldNetDaily]
  • At least America still has the best brown-people-killing boom-boom sticks in the world. USA! USA! [FoxNews]

  • Enough of this gay-ass “diplomacy,” why can’t Obama be more like the legendary Texan patriot and invade every country we dislike for no reason? [The Foundry]

  • Everyone wants Hillary Clinton’s scalp so they can eat it and gain her power. [Gateway Pundit]

  • It is time to take action against Apple and their fag-hags by reinstating the hate-app they so rancorously tore from the hands of iPhone-using gay-bashers everywhere. [LifeNews]
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About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch

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87 comments

  1. jim89048

    Those damned UN's have been looking for my guns for like evar, good thing they only have my old defunct aol address.

  2. slappypaddy

    i wouldn't go to fox news on a bet, but i'll bet that story is about the xm-25 grenade launcher, and if it isn't, well, this one is. i saw a story about that weapon of localized destruction this morning and i thought about how idiotic teabaggers with their second amendment solutions are. a few trained and disciplined soldiers popping out of a bradley with xm-25s would have tea-time militias pissing their panties, crying like a boner, and screaming for their mommies.

  3. kenlayisalive

    $35,000 per rifle. Just in case anyone missed it.

    Seriously. $700 billion dollars a year on this bullshit. that's $7 TRILLION dollars since 2000 for those that don't like to multiply.

    It is a fucking unimaginable sum of wasted money. 9/11, failure in Iraq, failure in Afghanistan. That's what $7 Trillion dollars gets you. If part of the Republican BS about waste and fraud in government applies at all, it applies here, and on a grand scale, and this is where they let it slide.

    Go suck a rat boner, Boehner.

    1. DahBoner

      That must be one hella warranty the US Army is buying because you can pick up a
      Colt M4 Carbine for around $460 on Google Shopping…

  4. teebob2000

    >>"is going to take away all your guns and force all Americans to dip their fries in disgusting mayonnaise like a common Belgian

    Who doesn't know this by now?? This is "news" why??

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Here's famous mustache and recess-appointed ambassador to the UN John Bolton:

    "After the treaty is approved and it comes into force, you will find out that it has this implication or that implication and it requires the Congress to adopt some measure that restricts ownership of firearms," he said.

    Wow, that's pretty specific alarmism there — would that be in Implication 43, Sub-rumor 127, Association C? The ability of these fucktards to turn any little thing into the sky falling is incredible.

    1. ttommyunger

      It is common knowledge that Bolton has three of these new 25 mm puppies concealed in his mustache at all times, just in case.

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        Something tells me a few of these babies get "lost" and a week later PFC whatziz name shows up with a new Camaro, yuh think?

      1. kenlayisalive

        And there's the problem. You can't kill brown people with a house…oh, unless you count getting cancer from breathing those FEMA trailer fumes, I suppose.

    1. WABishop

      Pay for Privates (er…) ranges from $14,136 to $20,304. So you can imagine the Army will be motivated to care for the weapon much more than the one who carries it.

  6. OneDollarJuana

    "The military isn't overly concerned that the weapon might be captured by the enemy, because they would be unable to obtain its highly specialized ammunition, batteries and other components."

    Really? Really?? Capturing weapons doesn't often involve capturing the spare ammo the soldiers are carrying? Really? Really?? The black market and war profiteers are going to ignore this "game-changer" weapon? Really? Really?? These "bullets" have computers in them. The U.S. doesn't make computers any more. China makes computers. You think China isn't going to sell computers to our enemies? Really? Really??

      1. Rarian Rakista

        There is a difference between reverse engineering human scale electromechanical systems and nano scale electronic ones. Totally non-trivial and out of Russia's depth really, Taiwan on the other hand can probably do it an hour.

  7. DahBoner

    Obama Will Take Your Guns Away <—2010

    Clinton Body Count <————————2005

    Same old GOP shit, different year….

  8. x111e7thst

    I refuse to eat Hillary Clinton’s scalp unless I can dip it in in disgusting mayonnaise like a common Belgian.

  9. WarAndGee

    Hello there, I'm an undereducated, lower middle-class US conservative (on social security)…

    The UN is an incompetent atheist left wing organization that can't even get the simplest task done except march across the globe in powder blue helmets with mathematical precision to confiscated the contents of my gun closet while I watch reruns of J.A.G on TBS.

    Wack-a-doodle doo.

  10. Plowmon

    This 'U.N. after your guns' thing has done wonders for the NRA's bottom line for years, why can't these U.N. do-gooders focus on malaria or AIDS or poverty or something useful?

  11. MLite

    When can I buy one of those fancy brown-people destroyers? It's my Second Amendment right to buy one a the local gun store; or is the Guv'ment so afraid of me and my assault rifle with grenade attachment that they want to have a better weapon? Seriously though, I hope Joshua Rhett "Frankly, I don't give a damn" Miller at FoxNews.com changed his pants after writing the article. That could have been a sticky situation if his boss saw him after he'd just finished unloading his high explosive rounds into his tighty-whities.

  12. Worthly Wokette Skum

    Great. We've just created a fantastic incentive for poverty-stricken combatants to pick off US soldiers carrying the new Destructo-Blaster: the $35,000 resale value.

  13. genxr

    Pro-lifers are hilarious…

    The Manhattan Declaration text says today’s pro-life movement “claim[s] the heritage of those Christians who defended innocent life by rescuing discarded babies from trash heaps in Roman cities and publicly denouncing the Empire’s sanctioning of infanticide.”

    They are going to rescue the Roman fetuses and put them in jars!

  14. donner_froh

    When Fox News is the least insane source for Rumors on the Internets, with WDN, The Foundary, Gateway Pundit and LifeNews tied for second, that is a clear sign that the apocalypse is very near.

    1. Grizzlyalbert

      An AK costs much less than that, that’s retail, USA. It still the best assault rifle: conscript proof and inexpensive.

      For the price of two automobiles, you get a .25 caliber rifle with exploding bullets. .25 is a quarter of an inch, so much explosive can you put in it, after making room for the computer? Certainly not the equivilent to a hand grenade. The Army has been suckered again.

  15. Plowmon

    Will they forcefully collect our guns with Hess truck & jet firepower or will they rely on the usual drunken Central African Republic troops?

  16. genxr

    WND offers helpful literature:

    'Shooting Back' tells of lives saved from attackers. Learn the Bible's defense of bearing arms from a man who defended his church from terrorists

    Every gun nut's wet dream…

    1. Bugeyes

      I know that Bible story.

      A man was beaten by robbers and left to die by the side of the road. A parade of pompous, religious people walked by and held their noses up in the air, because righteous people don't help people in the ditch. Then along came a Samaritan, but someone shot him because he looked like a terrorist.

  17. Serolf_Divad

    After years of development, the U.S. Army has unleashed a new weapon in Afghanistan — the XM25 Counter Defilade Target Engagement System, a high-tech rifle that can be programmed so that its 25-mm. ammunition detonates either in front of or behind a target…"All a soldier needs to know how to do is laze the target. It decimates anything within its lethal radius."

    A potential battlefield scenario, according to Army officials, might go something like this:

    –An IED planted by unknown insurgents explodes killing "Elmer," Charlie Company's most beloved member, whose tour of duty was ending in two weeks. So Charlie company drops into the nearest Afghan village looking for revenge by killing anything that moves. Women can't hide in their homes because the XM25 blasts through walls. A father tries to shield his 8 year old son with his own body, but the XM25 round explodes behind him, killing them both. An old man is bed ridden and cannot move: no problem, White Phosphorus from the XM25 lights his blanket on fire and he dies a slow, painful death.

    Just what we need, in other words.

    1. Neilist

      Q: What's the difference between a 9 year old Afghan carrying an AK, and an adult terrorist?

      A: If the kid is running, you don't have to lead him as much.

      Neilist
      Recycling Vietnam-Era Jokes Since 1974!
      (Be Sure To Tip Your Waitress!)

    2. JustPixelz

      "Once the trigger is pulled and the round leaves the barrel, a computer chip inside the projectile communicates exactly how far it has traveled, allowing for precise detonation behind or ahead of any target."

      While en route, the bullet connects to wonkette where it posts under the name "neilist".

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Wouldn't it be far cheaper and effective to bully our enemy like gay kids in high schools and hope they kill themselves? Oh wait, thats right there are more people committing suicide in Afghanistan and Iraq than are being killed by terrorists, TSA or Taliban.

  18. DCHatesMe

    I want to see a weapon that fires ammo which follows around the target, nagging and shaming them with jeers and taunts.

  19. GOPCrusher

    Yeah, I saw this on Superweapons on The Military Channel. Israel invented a gun that fires an explosive warhead that can be adjusted on when you need it to blow up. It's primary usage was for entering or clearing a building, but it can be used for random killing.

  20. BeWoot

    And in a short-range combat situation, the XM25 Counter Defilade Target Engagement System becomes a $35,000 club.

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    take away all your guns and force all Americans to dip their fries in disgusting mayonnaise like a common Belgian.

    The first time I read this, somehow I thought they were talking about dipping the guns in mayonaise. Say, I wonder if a mildly acidic emulsion like mayo would be a good way to remove the faint surface corrosion on my .22 rifle?

    Neillist?

    1. Neilist

      The oil in the mayo may do some good. But tomato juice and a little steel wool would work better.

      And you can use the rest of the can to make Bloody Marys. Nothing goes better together than vodka and firearms.

  22. Neilist

    You missed the part about how it is ready to fire in only 15 minutes, after the warmup period and once you've adjusted the vertical and horizontal holds.

    Oh, and fine tuned the color.

    But the Best Part?: The rounds are only $24.00 each!

  23. Neilist

    "[D]esigning super-guns, like the M16, which could hit a gnat's toenail at 1000 yards . . . ."

    That would have been a lot more interesting had you not revealed that you Don't Have The Vaguest Fucking Idea what you are talking about.

    The M16 has many qualities, good and bad. But the idea it is accurate beyond about 150-200 meters has never been one of them.

    In fact, one of the "Army Rifle Lobby's" complaints about the M16 was its limited range compared to the rifles it replaced.

    But other than that "minor" error: Thank you for playing our game . . . .

  24. ShaveTheWhales

    Well, you miss the obvious. it's intended for semi-stand-off combat in clean-rooms.

    Clean rooms: the battleground of the future, or some stupid metaphor.

  25. babyeinstein

    ''Shooting Back' tells of lives saved from attackers. Learn the Bible's defense of bearing arms from a man who defended his church from terrorists.'

    christ, at first i thought that story was called "Shooting Black." it didn't even shock me though. i was like "yep, that sounds like a treatise that could very well exist."

    1. JustPixelz

      Jesus used the CHEEK-25 weapon system from Jerico Tech. Sophisticated for its time, the trigger activated a leather strap that turned the user's other cheek toward the enemy. Costing only 35,000 pieces of silver, it was a "game changer".

    1. Terry

      Yeah, I was thinking of Motown, actually. When you drive around downtown (away from the RenCen and casinos) and some of the old close-in subdivisions, you can see what the city used to be. Decline of the auto industry and years of corruption (looking at YOU, Kwame, and your whole family and circle of friends) have left the place mostly a ghost town in some areas. It's interesting to compare Detroit and Chicago. Both are ports, but Chicago has more stable industries (agricultural stuff, for one). Both cities rose up in roughly the same era, but Detroit hit a peak and started to decline while Chicago kept going up.

      Still, there are wonderful things there and good areas in which to live. They need a new economic base, a reason for being. The Detroit auto industry is never coming back to what it was for the city, in terms of job creation. They need something else.

      I feel for Dave Bing. I really do. I think he's an honest man but has a huge steaming mess to clean up that was created by Prince Kwame and an insane city council.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I think also that the impact of the Detroit Riots in '67 was much more devastating to the city as a whole than the post-King West Side riots in Chicago in '68. (Both have Wiki-P entries, Youngs.) That seemed to have set in motion Detroit's decline. A friend who was in grade school in Detroit at the time has talked a lot about how awful that was.

        1. Terry

          True. Very true.

          I was a kid during the rioting in DC. Downtown changed over night pretty much. Some sections of the city looked bombed out until just a few years ago and downtown shopping is only really recently returning. (Shopping in the black sections of town was directly impacted by the riots and the shopping in the white sections of downtown went down when whites stopped coming in from the suburbs due to fears for their safety, etc. DC was a very segregated city.) This in a city who has the Federal government as its primary industry, a nice stable one versus the auto industry.

          When you drive around Detroit, you get flashes of what used to be, particularly in the architecture of fading buildings like the old train station. There are good people still there and things worth saving, but Dave Bing has to lead a rebirth somehow.

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