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Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again

Leadership.Guess who may run for mayor of West Palm Beach, Florida! Mark Foley is certain the voters would give him a chance. “I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,” he told a local newspaper. That does sound very luxurious! Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators. Or that will probably be how he announces; we don’t know for sure because he made his Twitter account private after we shared its beauty with the rest of the Internet. Sure, voters may be more likely to vote for an Al Qaeda candidate than Mark Foley. But he seems pretty sure they still like him despite everything.

Should he run, Foley, a Republican, could easily outspend the other opponents by using the $1 million he has left over in his congressional campaign funds.

But Foley said he would likely raise money from scratch if he declares, believing it would be unfair to use the congressional money for a mayoral run, even though federal law allows it.

Mark Foley doesn’t need money! He will ask the electorate about their masturbation habits and if they play any sports at school, and they will be instantly smitten. [Palm Beach Post via Salon]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Wadisay

    But Foley said he would likely raise money from scratch if he declares…

    "Scratch"? Is that what they're calling bus station men's room BJs now?

  2. neiltheblaze

    He may be overlooking the fact that his name is recognized as being that of a harasser and stalker of teenage boys. Just a little detail he may want to consider.

        1. DahBoner

          Now I can't watch Family Guy anymore because they had a show featuring the Drug Addled, Off-market Viagra, Gasbag on a whole show dedicated to him and how he brainwashed Brian…..

    1. Negropolis

      I think he's counting on folks mixing him up with WWE star Mick Foley or American actor Scott Foley, or Canadian actor Dave Foley, the funniest Foley of them all.

  3. sarjo

    Which one is he again? Wide-stance? Possible-intern-murderer? User of gay prostis? Or sender of sexy texts to underage teens?

  4. Mahousu

    Well, Mr. Foley, you may have escaped the killer otter I sent after you, but at some point your luck will run out. Again.

  5. BarackMyWorld

    Upon reading about this online, Mark Foley's significant other asked him "Mark, what's a pedophile?" Foley responded, "Well, that's an awfully big word for a little boy to know."


  6. RedNM

    As long as he has reformed, which includes accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, then who are we to say another run for office is inappropriate. To paraphrase Scripture, "Let he who is without sin be the first to get stoned."

      1. PublicLuxury

        Oh, no. It takes much more than a wave of the hand and poof.

        You MUST be dunked into a giant bathtub in front of everybody wearing white garments. It is really like the fundie version of a wet tee shirt contest. But everybody wins and if the water is cold, women show their headlights. The dunkee must be dunked by an already dunked member of the dunkage. Family fun for everyone.

    1. TX_Bluebonnets

      "Come, Tattoo, we must welcome our guests…

      "See that one, Tattoo? He has a very special wish…

      But seriously, folks, it's a perfect fit. Public schools are often trolling (er, I mean polling) places…

  7. DustBowlBlues

    Fuck Foley. Rachel used my Lucy holding the ball as Republicans playing Democrats like Charley Brown. But fuck–why give away federal salaries for absolutely nothing?

    It's a new political game, wonkette friends. Guess what Hopey will give to the Republithugs next without them bothering to ask? We call the game "Suicide."

    Is this guy so beaten down that he's taking this painful route to encourage a primary opponent? Couldn't he just announce he isn't running, instead?

  8. mrblifil

    Goddamn. This whole time I could have been banging cocktail waitresses two at a time, if only I had found a way to do it while getting some "name ID."

  9. Beowoof

    Is Fox News still labeling him a democrat as they did on the chyron when his proclivity for fondling little boys first broke. It that's so then he will have no chance. If the call him a republican then he is in, after all Florida is teabagger central.

  10. konata4prez

    Why does a disgraced congressman get to keep a million dollars for campaigning four years after he resigned?

  11. Blendergoathead

    He should just go the write-in route. "Foley" and "Pedobear" are both much easier to spell than "Kurkowski."

  12. obfuscator2

    so name ID is all it takes? fuck it, i'm changing my name to jesus air jordan hitler and running for congress in 2012.

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Scarily, that might work. Unless it gets you shot from a helicopter by an enraged mama grizzly first.

  13. ttommyunger

    Thank you Mark. We'd almost forgotten about you. I know Republicans everywhere thank you as well. HeeHee!

    1. Negropolis

      So long as Senators and Congressmen exist, there will always a dead prostitute, somewhere. Just not in this particular case, Suds. At least, not any that we know of. Mark Foley did, after all, have a huge-ass closet from which to come out of.

  14. comrad_darkness

    He's sad, if my Fox watching mom is any indication. All those years of putting a (D) after his name, no way she's going to vote for him.

  15. Terry

    “I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,”

    For molesting underaged boys, you moron! That's not GOOD name ID.

  16. PsycWench

    it would be unfair to use the congressional money for a mayoral run…
    and we know Mark Foley is all about fairness. Especially the lack of fairness by your mom about not letting you go out on school nights.

  17. Barrelhse

    So long as Mark is a Christian in name he should do well in Florida. That's all it takes to get the vote of the half-wit hypocrites and ignorant fucktards in Fla.

  18. MinAgain

    "Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators."

    Really? I would have put in in the Team Edward camp.

  19. Worthly Wokette Skum

    I'm sure Mark won't use that leftover cash unless his opponent does something really outrageous. You know, like bringing up his past record.

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