COCKTOBER ALUMNI NEWSLETTER  9:26 pm November 29, 2010

Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again

by Jack Stuef

Leadership.Guess who may run for mayor of West Palm Beach, Florida! Mark Foley is certain the voters would give him a chance. “I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,” he told a local newspaper. That does sound very luxurious! Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators. Or that will probably be how he announces; we don’t know for sure because he made his Twitter account private after we shared its beauty with the rest of the Internet. Sure, voters may be more likely to vote for an Al Qaeda candidate than Mark Foley. But he seems pretty sure they still like him despite everything.

Should he run, Foley, a Republican, could easily outspend the other opponents by using the $1 million he has left over in his congressional campaign funds.

But Foley said he would likely raise money from scratch if he declares, believing it would be unfair to use the congressional money for a mayoral run, even though federal law allows it.

Mark Foley doesn’t need money! He will ask the electorate about their masturbation habits and if they play any sports at school, and they will be instantly smitten. [Palm Beach Post via Salon]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 75 comments }

kenlayisalive November 29, 2010 at 9:29 pm

Yeah, so if he's not going to use that extra million for anything, can I blow him for it?

SexySmurf November 29, 2010 at 9:42 pm

Only if you look like Justin Bieber.

kenlayisalive November 29, 2010 at 9:49 pm

I'd be willing to shave my neck if it will help.

thebeatgoeson08 November 30, 2010 at 12:52 am

I lol'd!

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 12:55 am

haHA!

Wadisay November 29, 2010 at 9:35 pm

But Foley said he would likely raise money from scratch if he declares…

"Scratch"? Is that what they're calling bus station men's room BJs now?

neiltheblaze November 29, 2010 at 9:36 pm

He may be overlooking the fact that his name is recognized as being that of a harasser and stalker of teenage boys. Just a little detail he may want to consider.

twoeightnine November 29, 2010 at 10:38 pm

It's Florida, they consider that a positive.

hockeymom November 29, 2010 at 10:48 pm

In Florida, they call that Rush Limbaugh.

Beowoof November 29, 2010 at 10:52 pm

And I thought that was in the Dominican Republic, his reputation has spread as much as his waistline.

DahBoner November 30, 2010 at 8:35 am

Now I can't watch Family Guy anymore because they had a show featuring the Drug Addled, Off-market Viagra, Gasbag on a whole show dedicated to him and how he brainwashed Brian…..

GOPCrusher November 30, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I know. I have the same reaction to AM radio.

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 12:58 am

I think he's counting on folks mixing him up with WWE star Mick Foley or American actor Scott Foley, or Canadian actor Dave Foley, the funniest Foley of them all.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 29, 2010 at 9:38 pm

If the mayor's office doesn't have pages, something tells me it will under a Foley administration.

elfgoldsackring November 29, 2010 at 11:54 pm

Telegram boys on rollerblades, wearing only torn-off jorts…

sarjo November 29, 2010 at 9:38 pm

Which one is he again? Wide-stance? Possible-intern-murderer? User of gay prostis? Or sender of sexy texts to underage teens?

DahBoner November 30, 2010 at 8:36 am

All of the above?

danceswithpalin November 30, 2010 at 9:33 am

Don't forget user of Dominican Pool Boyz.

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 10:35 pm

All of them, Katie.

gullywompr November 29, 2010 at 9:40 pm

That's not the only thing he's looking at…

SexySmurf November 29, 2010 at 9:43 pm

I guess he didn't get that job with the TSA.

OhNoGuy November 29, 2010 at 11:44 pm

No, no, no. Not TSA, thats STD.

Mahousu November 29, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Well, Mr. Foley, you may have escaped the killer otter I sent after you, but at some point your luck will run out. Again.

BarackMyWorld November 29, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Upon reading about this online, Mark Foley's significant other asked him "Mark, what's a pedophile?" Foley responded, "Well, that's an awfully big word for a little boy to know."

**rim-shot/job**

OhNoGuy November 29, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Now that's just mean.

Thank you.

fuflans November 29, 2010 at 10:00 pm

wait! did you mean 'friend of children' or 'children of men'?

RedNM November 29, 2010 at 10:02 pm

As long as he has reformed, which includes accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, then who are we to say another run for office is inappropriate. To paraphrase Scripture, "Let he who is without sin be the first to get stoned."

bagofmice November 29, 2010 at 10:37 pm

So you wave your hands and utter the magic words and *poof*?

I think he has more than enough.

PublicLuxury November 29, 2010 at 10:55 pm

Oh, no. It takes much more than a wave of the hand and poof.

You MUST be dunked into a giant bathtub in front of everybody wearing white garments. It is really like the fundie version of a wet tee shirt contest. But everybody wins and if the water is cold, women show their headlights. The dunkee must be dunked by an already dunked member of the dunkage. Family fun for everyone.

jim89048 November 30, 2010 at 2:32 pm

West Palm needz moar poofters.

Beowoof November 29, 2010 at 10:53 pm

I am a sinner and still love getting stoned. Go figure.

TakingAmes November 30, 2010 at 3:14 pm

SO you're saying Jesus was a pothead?

OC_Surf_Serf November 29, 2010 at 10:02 pm

C'mon, isn't being Mayor of West Palm Beach a bit like being Mr. Rourke on Fantasy Island?

TX_Bluebonnets November 29, 2010 at 10:06 pm

"Come, Tattoo, we must welcome our guests…

"See that one, Tattoo? He has a very special wish…

But seriously, folks, it's a perfect fit. Public schools are often trolling (er, I mean polling) places…

DustBowlBlues November 29, 2010 at 10:02 pm

Fuck Foley. Rachel used my Lucy holding the ball as Republicans playing Democrats like Charley Brown. But fuck–why give away federal salaries for absolutely nothing?

It's a new political game, wonkette friends. Guess what Hopey will give to the Republithugs next without them bothering to ask? We call the game "Suicide."

Is this guy so beaten down that he's taking this painful route to encourage a primary opponent? Couldn't he just announce he isn't running, instead?

mrblifil November 29, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Goddamn. This whole time I could have been banging cocktail waitresses two at a time, if only I had found a way to do it while getting some "name ID."

TX_Bluebonnets November 29, 2010 at 10:07 pm

It's never too late, Blifil.

BarackMyWorld November 29, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Fredo?

Beowoof November 29, 2010 at 10:54 pm

You will just get Moe Green bitching.

Not_So_Much November 29, 2010 at 10:21 pm

Mark Foley — using his Name ID to reach out and touch young men everywhere.

user-of-owls November 29, 2010 at 10:34 pm

This is going to make Sally Struthers cry.

user-of-owls November 29, 2010 at 10:38 pm

I always had the hots for the shōbijin. So I guess that settles it, I'm not gay after all.

twoeightnine November 29, 2010 at 10:43 pm

And what's on that name id? http://is.gd/hYmip

PublicLuxury November 29, 2010 at 10:44 pm

Isn't Mark Foley a priest?

Lucidamente1 November 29, 2010 at 10:50 pm

If he runs, make sure to send Riley to cover his campaign.

Beowoof November 29, 2010 at 10:55 pm

Is Fox News still labeling him a democrat as they did on the chyron when his proclivity for fondling little boys first broke. It that's so then he will have no chance. If the call him a republican then he is in, after all Florida is teabagger central.

konata4prez November 29, 2010 at 11:00 pm

Why does a disgraced congressman get to keep a million dollars for campaigning four years after he resigned?

Rarian Rakista November 30, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Because congressmen write the "law".

chascates November 29, 2010 at 11:10 pm

He'll be part of Rubio's outreach program for the new GOP 'guns'.

Fare la Volpe November 30, 2010 at 5:35 am

Foley'll put together the Really Young Guns.

Blendergoathead November 29, 2010 at 11:16 pm

He should just go the write-in route. "Foley" and "Pedobear" are both much easier to spell than "Kurkowski."

Radiotherapy November 29, 2010 at 11:23 pm

I still think the matching lavender shirt/tie/kerchief combo is gay.

obfuscator2 November 29, 2010 at 11:30 pm

so name ID is all it takes? fuck it, i'm changing my name to jesus air jordan hitler and running for congress in 2012.

elfgoldsackring November 29, 2010 at 11:51 pm

Scarily, that might work. Unless it gets you shot from a helicopter by an enraged mama grizzly first.

SudsMcKenzie November 30, 2010 at 2:21 am

can you get "bacon" in there anywhere?

natoslug November 30, 2010 at 11:17 am

If name ID is all it took, Pro Choice would be governor of Idaho now rather than Butch Otter.

ttommyunger November 29, 2010 at 11:49 pm

Thank you Mark. We'd almost forgotten about you. I know Republicans everywhere thank you as well. HeeHee!

horsedreamer_1 November 30, 2010 at 12:04 am

MAF54, where are you?

Precisely, where is your mind?

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 12:59 am

Mark could always run for Pope, amirite?

kenlayisalive November 30, 2010 at 2:03 am

No, the pope has to be closet gay, not Elton John Private Concert gay.

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 4:11 am

Oh, so like Private First Class gay (before the inevitable repeal of DADT)?

Fare la Volpe November 30, 2010 at 5:36 am

He's eyeing that Rear Admiral position.

SudsMcKenzie November 30, 2010 at 2:03 am

So there's no "…dead prostitute" then?

Negropolis November 30, 2010 at 4:13 am

So long as Senators and Congressmen exist, there will always a dead prostitute, somewhere. Just not in this particular case, Suds. At least, not any that we know of. Mark Foley did, after all, have a huge-ass closet from which to come out of.

weejee November 30, 2010 at 7:47 am

Get on your Mark, get set, blow go

It's the Taylor Lautner workout mantra.

comrad_darkness November 30, 2010 at 8:09 am

He's sad, if my Fox watching mom is any indication. All those years of putting a (D) after his name, no way she's going to vote for him.

cheaphits November 30, 2010 at 8:19 am

Sounds like Mark Foley is ready to turn to a new page.

Terry November 30, 2010 at 8:23 am

“I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,”

For molesting underaged boys, you moron! That's not GOOD name ID.

DahBoner November 30, 2010 at 8:40 am

Bill O' Reilly volunteers to give him spoogebaths with a falafel…

PsycWench November 30, 2010 at 9:00 am


it would be unfair to use the congressional money for a mayoral run…
and we know Mark Foley is all about fairness. Especially the lack of fairness by your mom about not letting you go out on school nights.

Schmannnity November 30, 2010 at 9:14 am

This story is either one day too early or a great kickoff for the month of Dickcember

Barrelhse November 30, 2010 at 10:01 am

So long as Mark is a Christian in name he should do well in Florida. That's all it takes to get the vote of the half-wit hypocrites and ignorant fucktards in Fla.

MinAgain November 30, 2010 at 10:33 am

"Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators."

Really? I would have put in in the Team Edward camp.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 30, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I'm sure Mark won't use that leftover cash unless his opponent does something really outrageous. You know, like bringing up his past record.

gurukalehuru November 30, 2010 at 1:27 pm

west PALM beach, I think we should note.

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