today we are all beowulf

Scary Environmentalist ‘Dragon’ Also Trying To Destroy Christianity

Here is something for your church to purchase! “Leading Christian experts” will teach you to “resist the Green Dragon.” Our political leaders are using scare tactics to force poor people to drink bleach, remove fetuses from every woman’s womb and turn them into terrorists, and, certainly, destroy your local well-funded, VHS-purchasing evangelical church, and some brave Christians have assembled to fight this with scare tactics of their own. These evil environmentalists are a veritable GREEN DRAGON (because “Godzilla” was trademarked).

Yes, calling your opponents a mystical creature that never existed really makes your message seem sound.

And hey! Look who makes an appearance in this video:

Bryan Fischer, American Family Association […]
Tony Perkins, Family Research Council

Those ones are our favorites! Someone please buy this for your editor for Christmas so he can make fun of it and then feed it to the Green Dragon, who eats the Word of God for sustenance.

(Also, if the video wasn’t clear, God hates his Creation and wants you to destroy it, BTW FYI LOL. Get on that.) [Resisting the Green Dragon via Wonkette operative “chascates”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. savethispatient

    Isn't the argument something along the lines of "God created the Earth for Man to live on, so it's up to Man to do what he likes to the Earth", right? But where does it say that if the Earth is ruined, God will make us a new one?

    1. V572625694

      It's in the fine print of the warranty.

      What? Your Bible doesn't have any appendices? Oops. Good-bye.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      It doesn't matter since Jesus'll be here any day now to set everything right. In that respect Christians are anxious to destroy as much of the planet as they can in the limited time that they think is allotted — much the same way that the drunk is afraid he'll either pass out before he goes broke or he'll go broke before he passes out. Hitting that sweet spot is an art form.

      1. genxr

        Jesus is gonna come any minute and give all US Americans a medal for being so Exceptional!

        First prize in the field of Exceptionalism!

    3. Chet Kincaid

      This is akin to how the Bible commands husbands to "love" their wives and wives to "obey" their husbands. Everything would be fine, if the earth would just shut it's trap and stop pissing "Man" off.

      1. SorosBot

        Man Thinks 'cause he rules the Earth
        He can do with as he pleases,
        And if things don't change soon, he will.
        -Bob Dylan, License to Kill

        1. Negropolis

          And the funny thing is that if anyone can give away a planet, it would be Galatic Emperor and Godhead Oprah.

  2. SorosBot

    This Green Dragon is "seducing" children and "lusts" for power; so basically they're afraid the lizard want to fuck our white women.

    And um, environmentalists don't want to "put nature ahead of people"; people have to live in nature and environmentalists want to stop fucking it up in ways that make it a lot harder for people to live, idiots.

    1. JustPixelz

      Yeah, wait'll they find out that nature follows its own rules. And God always follows the laws theories of physics and probability. What does that mean? Disrupted food production, disease vectors, invasive species. It's not that we won't know what hit us, it's that we will — and that's pretty sad.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    I suggest that we stop using fossil fuels and dirty coal and start turning these Christians into cord wood. I wouldn't mind one bit basking in their glow and warmth while they're burning.

    Yeah – I'm a "Christian basher" – and proud of it. The dumb fucks like these people deserve it.

    1. pauletteanne

      Yeah – I'm a "Christian basher" – and proud of it. The dumb fucks like these people deserve it.
      ————–So, why dont you bash Obama? He claims he is also a Christian, after he gaffe'd that he was a Muslim.

          1. OkieDokieDog

            Yes, I know. But it's the ones who preach hate and intolerance of anyone who doesn't adhere to their version of the bible that get the most press. I'm well aware of good people who do good works through their religious affiliation, but I think they're good people first, and they use their religion as the vehicle in which to provide their good humanitarian deeds out in the community or the world.

  4. DeeJayKitteh

    I always knew that Puff character was bad news. It seemed like he simply wanted to help little Jackie, but little did he know he wanted to seduce him the whole time.

  5. facehead

    So, Mr. Stuef, are you telling us to accept the GREENE dragon? HMMM??!?!?!?!!


    Stuef, the magic dragon, reported on DC,
    He frolicked in the cherry blossoms, and didn't drink the tea!
    Little Kenny paper loved that rascal Stuef,
    But couldn't give him a raise because of the economy and shit.


  6. Chet Kincaid

    Wait a minute, I thought the Whites-Are-Being-Out-Spawned-By-The-Browns Movement and the Population Control & Reduction Movement went hand-in-hand! But now that you mention it, the Pagan Green Man is obviously Beelzebub.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Good lord, you don't even know the first thing about trolling, do you? Is there a Remedial Troll Workshop you could attend before embarrassing yourself out here on the public internets? You clearly need more time on the simulator.

        1. real_dc_native

          Maybe you just missed the sarcastic irony of the statement. Being in Wonkette World I'm going to pretend that it's snark.

  7. SexySmurf

    According to the Urban Dictionary a Green Dragon is "Anal with someone who eats too much fibre." I can see why the Cornhole Alliance would want to resist it.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    "[Environmentalism's] twisted worldview puts nature above people" — oh of course — all those famines, wars, executions, oppressive regimes and the vast litany of misery that is human history is caused by what? Not religion, greed, bigotry, stupidity or pride — but environmentalism. I only watched the first minute of that, but I wouldn't be surprised if they have Hitler giving everyone healthcare and searching for renewable energy resources right before shoving all the Jews into boxcars.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey now, thanks to the tyranny of those environmentalists some corporations have to face slightly lower profits then they'd have if they could continue poisoning America's air and water, which is just the worst, most fascist thing ever.

    2. Naked_Bunny

      [Environmentalism's] twisted worldview puts nature above people

      Sure, because not poisoning the water and flooding the coastlines has no benefits for people.

    3. pauletteanne

      but I wouldn't be surprised if they have Hitler giving everyone healthcare and searching for renewable energy resources right before shoving all the Jews into boxcars

      —————— How come you, who is bringing up Hitler cannot see the parallel of Obama?
      Hitler, nationalized heathclare, as did Obama.
      Hitler, nationalized the banks, as did Obama.
      Hitler, nationalized car cos, as did Obama.
      Hitler nationalized education, and that is next on Obamas list.

      Be afraid. Be very afraid.

        1. DoktorZoom

          You're such a typical liberal, extending the benefit of the doubt like that. Now straighten up and start abortin' some Xian babbies!

      1. glamourdammerung

        How did Hitler nationalize healthcare, considering Germany's universal plan went into effect six years before Hitler was born?

      2. Sgt_Biyatch

        So, pauletteanne, do you mean to say that all heathclare companies, banks, and car companies are nationalized? Government owns all of them? Because, I don't know, maybe I'm biased by the lamestream media, but I thought the healthcare plan would actually provide a new stream of customers for private insurance companies? And while the banks were never owned by the government, many have given back a sizable portion of what they borrowed in 2007-2008 (which Paulson and GWB initiated). As for the "car cos" – GM is set to IPO, and the government's stake has been significantly reduced. But that doesn't quite fit the narrative, does it? How's this (extra commas are on the house):

        Hitler, lied to his country about going to war, as did Bush.
        Hitler, sent his countrymen to die with no measurable result, as did Bush.
        Hitler, silenced any and all who spoke out against him, as did Bush.
        Hitler, consolidated his power illegally, as did Bush.
        Hitler, advocated the use of torture, as did Bush.

        See how easy that is?

        1. pauletteanne

          Sgt Bitchboy:

          Bush? Bush is not here anymore, we now have Obammy, who has succeeded WORSE than Bush. Why bring up bush? You cannot handle that fact that this is the worst president we've ever had?
          Suck it up. I had to. I didnt vote Bush 2x, and ate dirt.

          Come to grips with the fact that Obama is a dictator in his mentality and is mimicing evil people like Stalin, Hitler, Mao–oh yeah…Mao- the sweet little Liberal…remember that nice lady who admired Mao–uh, Dunn with that tongue defect?

          Yeah…these 'liberals' have fked up the nation worse than bush- IF that was even possible.

          You may as well face that you really are not socialists and dont want this, or you would not have fought GWB.

          GWB was a socialist and you didnt like that, but with Obanana, its OK?
          Come on..

      3. LetUsBray

        Bismarck nationalized health care in Germany, dumbfuck, while our health care is nothing remotely resembling nationalized.

        O ban-hammer, where art thou?

  9. PublicLuxury

    Wasn't the Green Dragon code for a marijuana cigarette in the 60's? Oh no, sorry that was Puff the Magic Dragon. Was the Green Dragon some kind of villain in one of the super-hero shows like Batman and Robin or Superman or something? Oh no, sorry, I'm thinking of the Red Dragon which represents China or maybe Shrek. Well, one thing is for sure, they picked a well used mythical beast.

    Pain in the ass fundies. Isn't there a FEMA CAMP somewhere where they can go and recover?

    1. pauletteanne

      Pain in the ass fundies. Isn't there a FEMA CAMP somewhere where they can go and recover?

      Spoken like the NAZI you are. Further proving that left wing is just NAZI in behavior.

        1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

          Actually, compared to some of the other comments I've read on BreitbartTV and, pauletteanne is the cream of the intellectual crop.

      1. PublicLuxury

        Sounds like you need to find one and get some help. Perhaps you'll meet a REAL nazi there, it will help you determine the difference. Great medical experiments await you.

      2. genxr

        Now that you've proving left wing = NAZI, you can go home now. Good job. You deserve a medal for outstanding achievement in the field of exceptionalism.

        1. DoktorZoom

          Hey, did you know that "Nazi" was an abbreviation for "National SOCIALIST Party"? I'll bet you never knew that, did you?

          1. genxr

            I didn't know that, but now that I do, it explains so much! Like Obama's little mustache. And the funny salute we all do. Oh crap, what have I been voting for?

            That's not all. I just found out the D in DPRK stands for "Democratic" – Nancy Pelosi really is a communist! And she's Asian!

  10. V572625694

    Now it can be revealed: 9/11 was perpetrated by eco-terrorists* who were against big buildings.
    *And why is somebody who takes the oil filter off a D9 Cat an "eco-terrorist" while somebody who uses the D9 Cat to strip-mine mountain tops is an honest working man?

    1. Naked_Bunny

      9/11 was perpetrated by eco-terrorists

      Are we sure they weren't lumberjacks going after some really big trees?

  11. arcane_allusion

    Out of my religious past, I recall a story about knowing god's will.

    Short version:
    There's a big flood and a guy is stuck on his roof. The water is rising and a boat comes by and offers to rescue him. "No thanks, God will not let me drown." Boat goes away. The water continues to rise up to his neck. Helicopter comes by offers to rescue him. "No thanks, God will not let me drown." Helicopter leaves and he drowns.

    He gets to heaven and he asks St. Pete why would god let such a religious man drown. St. Pete looks at him and says "What the hell do you think the boat and helicopter were."

    That's the version they told me, but in my version St. Pete slams the gate in his face and says the guy is too stupid and arrogant to be allowed in, adding "douchebag"

    1. finallyhappy

      like people who refuse medical help and just want to pray. If they believe in an active God in the world(I do not- sorry)- why don't they believe he gave people the brains to develop surgeries and medicines. etc. Too fucking dumb-so I guess they deserve to die from neglect- but I get really angry when it is their kids who die- suffering- for these stupid beliefs.

  12. SorosBot

    Oh you can search far and wide,
    You can drink the whole town dry.
    You'll never find a beer so brown
    As the one we're drinking in our town.
    You can kick your fancy ales.
    You can drink em by the flagon.
    But the only brew for the brave and true . . .
    Comes from the Green Dragon!

  13. DoktorZoom

    I was talking to Gaia about this the other day, and She said, "Xians? Oh, yeah, I defs want them ded. LOLOLOL"

  14. sherriawilson

    Makes me want to pray to their invisible man in the sky to go ahead and rapture them up before they totally fuck up the planet for the rest of us.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      unfortunately the only hope for the planet woulda been if they waz raptured up back in the 19th century, evrything since then has foretold our ultimate demise…drink up!

  15. DCHatesMe

    If it was a scary, fire breathing Red dragon I'd be alarmed and motivated. Green dragons .. not so much.

    1. SorosBot

      Greens maybe among the weaker of the chromatic dragons, but like all dragons any adult one is very powerful and as they are nearly always lawful evil they are not only dangerous but are capable of working together, unlike the chaotic reds.

  16. DahBoner

    Green Dragon Tavern was a public house used as a tavern and meeting place located on Union Street in Boston's North End.

    Purchased in 1764 by the St. Andrews Lodge of Freemasons for its 1st floor meeting rooms, the basement tavern was used by several secret groups and became known by historians as the "Headquarters of the Revolution".


  17. elpinche

    Ok, I know I've said this before about other things, but seriously, THIS IS THE DUMBEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Bill Hicks was right, Jesus u-turned his UFO when he got a glimpse of this country.

    1. imissopus

      I have long had a theory that Jesus called off the Rapture a long time ago but didn't bother to tell anyone, and is sitting up in Heaven right now drinking beer and laughing at his followers.

  18. WarAndGee

    You know these people are right, with a net increase of 1,000,000 people being added to the earth's population every 5 days how can human activity cause adverse effects to the environment without THE JEEZ knowing about it?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Yea, but most of those are of the Yellow-hued persuasion, so they're going to Hell anyway because they are Godless heathens. Here in Murka, we're facing a population decline because of ecoterrorists, tree fuckers, abortionists, and (of course) the gheys.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I like your deity nickname, however I suggest the usage of Old Jeezy, just to not have any mix-ups with cocaine and Lamborghini's being sent to the wrong Jeezy's house.

  19. GOPCrusher

    Whole lotta white people in that teaser.
    I've had Tea Baggers point blank tell me that Cap And Trade and Global Warming are nothing more than a way to take money away from white people and give it to the Browns.
    But there's nothing racist about that.

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Nice opportunistic shots of starving brown people. "Oh those evil environmentalists don't care about them like we do!" Scuse me while I puke on your church lady shoes.

  20. An_Outhouse

    Where I come from "Green Dragon" is the brand name for the really good acid that's going around – and I didn't resist it, evil me.

  21. weejee

    Seems the Green Dragons are a bit dogmatic. They're choppin' at everything like a Vegematic. If you feed Snoopy into one of their linkies will you get beagle pate out the other?

    1. marinmaven

      When are the frigging Lizard People gonna save us from this crap? I am starting to think that Colleen Thomas has been leading us on all along.


  22. problemwithcaring

    The Green Dragon is the greatest thereat to society, humanity, religion and the Universe.

    Plus, they are all about fear mongering!

    1. pauletteanne

      Plus, they are all about fear mongering!

      Really…you all are talking here about killing Christians (Xians, as you put it) and YOU talk about THEM "fear-mongering?"

      Denial, the most negative emotion known to mankind.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Everything that is said on the Wonkette is said in utter earnest, you know. If I were you, I would report this entire website to the Cyber Police, so that they can backtrace the people threatening Christians and put them in jail.

        1. problemwithcaring

          Haha, Dok. This just shows how elitist I am. I assumed the exclamation point screamed "facetious remark." Alas, subtlety loss on Paulettetroll.

  23. finallyhappy

    I really like that show about what happens after humans disappear. The earth seems to repair itself quickly(but the end of humans isn't explained- if it was nuclear- I guess it wouldn't repair itself so quickly)> Maybe if the "rapture" happened and teabaggers and their ilk disappeared- we'd have a better chance of the earth repairing itself while we are still alive

    1. Worthly Wokette Skum

      Unfortunately, humans probably won't vanish until we push the biosphere beyond the greenhouse tipping point, and a few centuries after that the Earth will look like Venus: an arid inferno with a crushing atmosphere of CO2.

      Even then, CBN will probably still be on the air.

      1. real_dc_native

        Maybe the Earth will get lucky and a big frigging asteroid will hit before we push things that far. Then the 'nuclear winter' that follows will wipe out everything at the top of the food chain (like us) and in a few thousand years Earth can start all over again like after the dinosaurs. Of course this stuff is all based on theory not solid faith.

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        damn, both you and Rotundo said exactly what I was thinkin', only better than I could…if'n the crazy fundies had been 'raptured' back in the mid-1800s we mighta had a chance, but now there's no way back esp. w/ the Retards back in charge…we are certainly doomed!

  24. weejee

    OT Getting back to this Mourning in America's leaking wikis, the Guardian is reporting that the sons and daughters of Chairman Mao are getting ready to pull the plug on Supreme Leader Kim Jung Il. Hey Kim baby, better watch yer back. Yond 胡锦涛 (Hu Jintao) has a lean and hungry look.

    1. zhubajie

      The typical Chinese view of Koreans is "不要韩国人“ or "I don't like Koreans." They're not as hated as the Japanese, but they not like either.

  25. MinAgain

    What a relief. I thought they were protesting the fourth book in Paolini's Inheritance series, and I promised my niece I would read it.

    1. DoktorZoom

      OK, but that's a protest I could actually get behind, because Paolini is derivative Mary-Sue twaddle.

  26. chickensmack

    Jesus, everything is the "End Times" with these people. Why can't they appeal to the middle with niceties and tea on Sunday, instead of "God has seen the wickedness, and prepares his wroth…"

  27. DCHatesMe

    What I find interesting about this campaign is how hard it tries to appeal to young people. First starting with trippy techno beats and graphics, then switching to grunge and LOTR type images. We're religious conservatives and we're so F*ing cool.

  28. Mrspanky

    "Too big to fly, dodo ugly so dodo must die,
    Doggo with fear on its side, can't change, can't change the tide.
    Dog baiter, agitator, asking questions, says he wants to know why.
    Ain't no reason that money can't buy.
    Mink he pretty so mink he must die, must die, must die."

    1. mrblifil

      Fuck that asshole. I stopped reading when I got to the reporter muthafugger's fucking grocery list. I mean literally…dude's grocery list. C'MON MAN!!

  29. marinmaven

    A lot of these folks talk big because they think their God is gonna rapture them just before everything hits the fan. If the big guy didn't rapture them to save them from the Black Death centuries ago, he ain't gonna bother to when they let this planet turn to crap. He'll ask.
    "What part of you reap what you sow don't you understand, pumarepubliteatard? So, yeah, I am not rapturing you up near me if you shat on that sweet planet I gave you. Oh, you should turn on CBN. You are in for a surprise."
    Cthulhu himself will appear with a tentacle around the devil on CBN and reveal what the
    "C" really stood for all along.
    "We can breathe in CO2 and stand sulferous inferno-like heat, suckers, can you?"

  30. mayor_quimby

    Today I heard of a local church that has a $1million HOLOGRAM PROJECTION SYSTEM in one of their branches so it can be like the pastor is really there, sort of like a 'holy ghost' , you know.
    That seems like a much better option than helping poor people.
    The poor people can get $1 DVDs that they can play in their $29 players so they know that environmentalists are conspiring to keep them poor.
    Meanwhile, dumbfucks are walking through a holographic projection of their pastor who got his divinity degree from a non-accredited online university.
    But I guess they had to find somebody else to sell those projectors to other than Wolfie on CNN.

  31. MistaEko

    I tried and I tried to resist, but the 2 for 1 drink specials always brought me back. I mean, there's a reason why it's the most popular Inn in The Shire.

    1. imissopus

      So we should be encouraging people to smoke as much as possible around that fat sack of crap. Maybe get whichever wife he's currently married to to start up a carton a day habit.

  32. Selfish_T

    Bryan Fischer prepares his lecture on The True Nature of Our Times:

    One human being is worth more than an infinite number of dragons. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live dragons worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between dragons and humans, the dragons have to go. And it’s time.

    Of course there is a simple answer: shoot these man-eaters on sight.

  33. ttommyunger

    I got as far as Perkins and that did it for me, no watchee the movee if this Uber-Hypocrite is in the mix. Make my ticket one-way in the opposite direction if this asshole goes to Heaven; don't want to see him, hear him or think about him.

  34. Plowmon

    Why do the evangelicals/teabaggers fret about population control and abortion when it's non-white fetuses that are more likely to be killed? For that matter, why do environmentalists fret about AIDS, etc., things that will thin the herd and take the pressure off Mother Earth? She's fighting back you know, just wait for airborne Ebola…

    1. genxr

      Hey I'm on your side here. When Obama said, "We have a muslim problem in this country" he was directly quoting Hitler. And Obama's book, "In Defense of Internment" – after reading that one would think that rounding up an entire ethnic group and putting them in concentration camps is not only reasonable but necessary. Now Obama is talking about "American Exceptionalism" like we are some kind of master race and the natural order of things is for us to rule the world. Definitely Obama = Hitler. Someone should put that on a sign and parade it around at a political rally.

  35. Atomic26

    It seems like in recent years the environmental movement has been trying to co-opt the Christians using the "you are stewards of the earth" bits in the bible, and from what I understand they have been reasonably successful. This is probably just a big backlash against that by the "you are masters over fish, fowl, etc." crowd. If their damn book wasn't so inconsistent they probably wouldn't have this problem.

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