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Airport Porn Death Tubes, TSA Groping Here To Stay

We have a winner!Millions of Americans went to airports last week for Thanksgiving travel and to stare down the gossipy new machines that show people pictures of travelers’ naked bodies. This was supposed to be an ACTUAL reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, as hurried Thanksgiving airport visitors were supposed to take these scanners and throw them into the nearest body of water, according to National Opt-Out Day. But then basically nobody opted out. And now America has finally surrendered in its epic battle to never let another soul know its dick length. These machines and TSA agents will be forced to do gross sex things with your genitals for the rest of their lives, the end.

A few passengers opted out and, if anything, lines were shorter because airport security was staffed up and people arrived early just in case.

The occasional protester was surrounded not by angry crowds but eager reporters. Under all the buzz, 80 percent of Americans traveling were still encountering the same procedures that have been in place for years.

By midday Wednesday, a forlorn CNN correspondent was wandering around during a live shot with nothing to report, with a nearby keening baby the only indication of terminal rage. No word on whether the diaper was breached.

Cute! But yeah, even privileged white people will put up with never-ending inconveniences in order to FLY THROUGH THE GODDAMN AIR EXTREMELY FAST LIKE AN INSANE BIRD.

In the end, this is not really a story about slightly diminished liberty. It is a story about America’s Last Job, that of the airport security worker officially becoming part of the sex trade. It provides the same debasement and risk for disease as being a prostitute, with similar prospects for promotion. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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50 comments

  1. BornInATrailer

    Clothing optional airports would have been a more fun and interesting way to solve this problem. But no one ever listens to me.

  2. iburl

    A people who would trade away electronic porn and skin cancer for genital molestation deserve neither.
    — Ben Franklyn

  3. slappypaddy

    the cnn reporter could take a lesson from the fbi. wave enough dollars around and you can find yourself a convenient protester quick enough.

  4. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think people will finally say enough after the Anal Cavity Bomber gets caught and the TSA makes the obvious search procedure changes.

    1. V572625694

      Hope you read Hitchens' rant on this topic on "Slate." Hitch ANGRY, but it's not clear what he wants to do about it, or wants us to do about it. He's close to becoming a Teabagger.

  5. WarAndGee

    Between the pasty white waddling fatties at tea party rallies and national opt out day Americans have become pretty lame at protesting shit. Even the French are better than us at that now.

    We should outsource our civil disobedience too.

  6. EdFlintstone

    Why should the porno scanners be any different from Afghanistan and Iraq, we're there to stay too.

  7. StillGoinGreen

    I WANT MY W BACK!!! At least when W was POTUS, he only wiretapped my tele and stole my fap emails to my buddy's wife. Hussein Obomber now lets creepy people see THE INSIDES of my testicles – EEEWWWW!!!

  8. mavenmaven

    The reports that these scanners may induce mutations in sperm and eggs bodes well towards increasing membership in the Tea Party in upcoming generations.

    1. zhubajie

      The quality of human sperm is pretty f''''d anyway, from pesticides, herbicides, chemical fertilizers, and hormones in the livestock.

    1. zhubajie

      How about bringing back sea travel? I've crossed the Pacific half-a-dozen times on aircraft carriers, and it was not a bad experience. 100 years ago, the first age of globalization relied on steam ships and trains. Why not this one?

  9. horsedreamer_1

    I appreciate your honesty. Refreshing change from my years cavorting with an American Hungarian Drunkard named Dave, & his band of merry wanksters trying against everything to prove they were just as large.

    1. Guppy06

      Yeeaaahhh… I got some news for you about your friends who can't help but pull out their dicks when in each others' company.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I always thought the size wars were a little gay. Why they were comparing amongst each other, instead of showing 'em to the ladies (& surprisingly, they had quite a few on retainer), was bizarre.

    2. justkillmenow

      As the only female in a weekly meeting I once suggested to the men that they solve their arguments once and for all by whipping them out on the conference room table and proving who really was 'in charge' around here. Fucking hilarious looks on their faces.

  10. weejee

    Where is Jack Bauer to knock some sense into us? Are we just lemmings who will throw away our tinfoil hats and gheyly walk into the TSA junk squish and roasters?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      What part of this would Jack Bauer have a problem with? Not enough current passing through the scanner? Jack would demand the location of your explosive device and the names of everyone in your cell–or he'd order the Predator Drone to take out your wife's car as she drives home from the airport with your kids, while you watch the live video on his smartphone. (He's just bluffing, of course. THERE'S NO TIME TO DO THIS BY THE BOOK! LOWER YOUR SKIVVIES!!!)

      1. marinmaven

        Now, why don't they have Jack Bauer played by Kiefer Sutherland working TSA security. That hawty would get my full compliance, if you know what I mean.

  11. DeeJayKitteh

    Wasn't the real story that they basically abandoned the new porno scanners/gropefest to circumvent any giant delays and the negative PR that would go along with it?

    In any case, if TSA agents are basically prostitutes now, they should all line up in a big window and I should be able to pick out which one gets to grope me, Amsterdam style.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Ever since my early childhood, when my parents taught me that the holidays are nothing but a grueling slog of misery, rage and angst to be gutted out every year until one reaches the limits of one's endurance, I've done everything in my power to avoid travelling during them. And now every Thanksgiving I call them and let them know how much I appreciate this lesson.

  13. Eve8Apples

    When I try to force my dog into a pet carrier to go to the vet, the dog whines, squirms and protests. But, if I toss a couple of his favorite treats into the carrier, the dog runs right in after them. I think TSA should try this method with its scanners. Throw some donut holes or Cheetos or Skittles into the scanner and fat Americans will race each other to get the treats. As they run into the scanner, take their picture and grope 'em. They'll be so excited about finding the treats, they won't even know what is happening.

    1. sarjo

      Hah! Sarah's lucky she wasn't dragged into service–I think she is the ONLY Wonkitteer who has not spouted the gospel according to Ken!

  14. fuflans

    obviously this is why we need the fbi to create more terrorists for us. It's a vertical integration thing.

  15. MistaEko

    Fun related story – about 10 years ago at college our Dean of Admissions wrote an article talking about the differences she'd seen in American generations. Standard generalization stuff. When it came to the "millennials" she remarked how coddled and subdued we all were, just keeping our heads down and trying to do our homework and party every now and then. These aren't the people who protest, she said, so let them whine and complain for a day but stand strong and the Admins can enact whatever policies they want.

    People of course didn't like being described like this. So the more vocal of us wrote OPN pieces or drew comics. And the student governmenty people decided we should stage a rally in the main campus lobby. E-mails were sent. Flyers plastered about. A police detail arrived.

    And nobody showed up.

    This is your new America. And when I hear jet-setting friends bitch about how the latest strike in France shut the trains down again, I tell them "You watch that strike and you like it, jackass. I'd kill to have a populace that gets out in the street for something other than their favorite TV show meetup."

  16. GOPCrusher

    I think the real poutrage about the TSA scans was that America wasn't outraged enough. I honestly believe that the pathetic, hateful, little Tea Baggers thought they had finally found themselves an issue that they could increase their following with.
    Unfortunately, they found out that Americans just want to get on and off the plane without getting blown up.

  17. Plowmon

    TSA screening may be the only way anyone will willing look at my junk, Expedia here I come! If I piss them off do you think I'd get a cavity search?!?

  18. voyetra8

    "in order to FLY THROUGH THE GODDAMN AIR EXTREMELY FAST LIKE AN INSANE BIRD"

    If you're going to steal, you should pick someone more obscure than Louis CK.

  19. hagajim

    You know – I tried my best to opt out so I could get a nice handy on my way home for Thanksgiving (that would have been something to be thankful about). But the dumb TSA people in lovely Portland Oregon don't even have the Chertoff killer raygun death machines yet so I had no chance to even ask for the dandy handy in time for turkey day. I know it's usually referred to as choking the chicken, but I thought I might be able to make a fowl substitute in honor of the holiday – also.

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