homegrown

U.S. Government Now Creating Terrorists So It Can Arrest Them

Have a seat.Mohamed Osman Mohamud, a 19-year-old U.S. citizen, was arrested this weekend for plotting to detonate a bomb at a downtown Portland, Oregon tree-lighting celebration. So that’s good, right? Americans appreciate not getting blown up. But the thing is, Mohamud was never a member of a terrorist group. The FBI provided him a fake bomb and worked with him in the planning of the attack. But that’s not unusual these days, because the government no longer just tries to find and arrest actual terrorists; it also tries to create terrorists it can then arrest. In fact, informants now like to stand in the parking lots of American mosques, offering hundreds of thousands of dollars and fancy cars to anyone who will sign up for jihad. It’s a brave new world for thoughtcrime.

Mohamud was a student at Oregon State, and as far as we can tell from this AP story, was not promised to get rich quickly by becoming a terrorist. He, at least, did have an actual interest in becoming one, because the FBI saw his e-mails to a friend in Pakistan, asking if he knew Osama bin Laden’s AIM handle or whatever. When Mohamud had no luck getting this contact info (WHAT? HIS FRIEND WAS IN PAKISTAN! HE MUST HAVE KNOWN TERRORISTS!), the government swooped in and told him they were hip terrorist guys with a bomb and a terrorist letterman’s-jacket with his name stitched on it.

Oh, why was the FBI reading this Mohamud guy’s e-mails in the first place? It’s never explained in this AP story. But c’mon, the kid’s name is Mohamud. He shouldn’t have let his parents name him that if he didn’t want to be a terrorist. So obviously the answer to this problem was not continued surveillance but rather to entice this kid into dropping out of college to become the ULTIMATE TERRORIST.

It was also very difficult to decipher that this kid is an American citizen, because the AP story was so busy telling us he is a “Somali-born teenager” and PRECIOUS SMALL WHITE CHILDREN were at this Portland Christmas event (at which they were never in danger of exploding).

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But here’s an even more fun account in Slate about “four African-American ex-cons from Newburgh, N.Y.” who were enticed into saying they would blow up two synagogues:

Hussain bought meals for the group of four men he assembled because none of them had jobs or money. The owner of a Newburgh restaurant where they occasionally ate considered him “the boss,” because he would pick up the tab. Among his other inducements were the offer of $250,000 and a BMW to the most volubly anti-Semitic plotter, the man the government says was the ringleader, James Cromitie. To drive that car, Cromitie would have needed a driver’s license—which he didn’t have. Another supposed plotter, a Haitian, was a paranoid schizophrenic (according to his imam), which was the reason his deportation had been deferred (according to The Nation’s TomDispatch.com), and who kept bottles of urine in his squalid apartment (according to the New York Times). The last two, both surnamed Williams, have histories of drug busts and minimum-wage jobs in Newburgh. At trial the government asserted that the plot was driven by anti-American hatred. But in papers filed in court by defense lawyers before the trial began, Cromitie is quoted in government transcripts explaining to Hussain that the men “will do it for the money. … They’re not even thinking about the cause.”

One of these guys tried to back out, “saying he didn’t want to hurt any women or children,” but the informant pressured him into staying with the group.

This is just perverse. Perhaps the government will one day figure out how to wind down bureaucracies and bureaucratic divisions once they’re proved no longer necessary. But until then, the FBI will create terrorists for itself to bust because it doesn’t have enough actual, group-aligned terrorists to hunt. And, perhaps, a fake bomb for you to assemble will suddenly arrive on your doorstep one day after you criticize the government or American society. But anti-terrorism efforts have to adjust to the actual threat eventually, right? It’s not like archaic bureaucracies like the Tennessee Valley Authority are still around.

Mohamud was known at the Salman Al-Farisi Center in Corvallis, said Yosof Wanly, imam at the mosque. He said Mohamud was “an average university boy,” drinking the occasional beer with friends in fraternities.

“He had some fraternity friends,” Wanly said. “He would attend athletic (events), basketball games, whatever they are.”

By the way, you know who coaches that basketball team? Known terrorist Barack Obama’s brother-in-law. DUN DUN DUN. [AP/Slate]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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110 comments

  1. WarAndGee

    First UFO's, then big foot, now they're making terrorists? It's all so confusing.

    Well it's going to fuck up the "Bush/Obama Terrorist Attacks on the US" scorecard.

    Bush: 0 (9/11 was a Mulligan) Obama: Probably about 18 now.

  2. PublicLuxury

    Was this released in the Wikileaks? It is just like the Federal Bureau of Ignorance to bitch about kids and teaching them how to make the bomb.

  3. donner_froh

    Just in time for Christmas–build your own terrorist fake bomb. Fun for the whole family. Call your local FBI office–free shipping and 20 years of hideous torture at Gitmo for every third caller.

  4. StillGoinGreen

    Arab Americans who are enticed to blow up Christmas – TERRORISTS!!
    poor Black Americans who are enticed to blow up Jews – TERRORISTS!!
    White Tea Partiers who scream about taking up arms against our "SOSHILIST" government – PATRIOTS!!

  5. Oblios_Cap

    You can take the terrorist out of the Beavers, but you can't take the Beavers out of the terrorist. Or something.

    Homegrown Terrorism must be a new OSU academic department.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      If vaccine denialists are to be believed — & really, why wouldn't they? — then OSU produced history's greatest terrorist: Jonas Salk.

      Cure polio, my fat, Rascal-riding ass!

      1. zhubajie

        Amen and amen! My mother died in the last big polio epidemic. Now it's nearly extinct world-wide, thanks to the WHO, part of the evil UN. (With help from Rotary Intl., it's true.)

  6. facehead

    COINTELPRO is so old school–Why infiltrate possible terrorist organizations when we can create them and just arrest the people who show up?

  7. mereoblivion

    Mohamed Osman Mohamud, a 19-year-old U.S. citizen, was arrested this weekend for plotting to detonate a bomb at a downtown Portland tree-lighting celebration. So that’s good, right?

    I thought you meant, "That's good that somebody wanted to detonate a bomb at a tree-lighting celebration." But hey, Portland! The tree was probly all multiecumenically Kwanzaaized with Judaeo-Arab accessories, so . . . NOT a good thing that the FBI dared him to do that? (I'm like PeeWee's Dottie–I don't understand.)

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, yesterday on Faux Noise Sunday, Liz Cheney stopped short of saying that the United States should invade Iceland for not taking Wikileaks off the internets.

  8. ShiftyParadigm

    Just another case of arresting somebody who would have a hard time organizing a two car funeral much less a terrorist attack. This has been another episode of……Security Theater!!!!!!

    1. zhubajie

      Unfortunately, it'll probably land him in prison, while more deserving folks enjoy fat pensions in Texas. :-(

  9. PublicLuxury

    Instead of wasting time 'making' terrorists, why doesn't the Federal Bureau of Ignorance ferret out some right-wing terrorists. The fuckin' midwest and south is filled with right-wing terrorists. They call themselves tea party.

    1. Negropolis

      I hear that they call themselves Legion.

      BTW, don't forget about the Hutaree up here in Michigan. Just the other day, one of the guys was released so he could spend Thanksgiving with his family, dontcha know.

  10. Gratuitous World

    though failing in his stated objective, I'm guessing he inspired a couple Portland microbrews to produce a "Christmas Tree Bomber Ale" or "Undisturbed Lighting Ceremony Porter."

    1. TX_Bluebonnets

      And we should be right there, lifting our mugs of "Pioneer Sqare Bomb-Free Pilsner."

      I miss the People's Republic of Western Oregon.

  11. slappypaddy

    'the men “will do it for the money. … They’re not even thinking about the cause.”'

    the money IS the cause. and that's the same way law enforcement works in this country. it's not about justice and it's not about protecting innocent people (of which there are none remaining over the age of ten). it's about spinning the flywheels on the war against terror and the war against catholic brown people who speak spanish and the war against people who use certain drugs in certain ways and the war against anyone or anything else that the masters of war can dream up to scare the sheeple, all in the name that dare not speak itself–the maximizing of the profits of the enforcers–law enforcement, prisons, organs of so-called justice, and let us not forget that industry for which we all work, whether we know it or not–the defense department.

    welcome to the fucking end of the beautiful dream the founding fathers had a quarter of a millennium ago. it had a good run, but its end was not the shining city on the hill, it was this squalid swamp of dystopia from which arise the spectres of our waking nightmares.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      The only thing shining will be the fires from our woks while we prepare authentic Sichuan cuisine for our Overlords – MING CHOW MUFUCKAS!!

      1. zhubajie

        The T-tards couldn't handle real Sichuan food. As the proverb goes, "Sichuan folks are not afraid of spice!"

      2. zhubajie

        Believe me, my sweet lovable students here in China are not your overlords. You are the captains of your own fates, the masters of your own souls. In other words, IT'S YOUR FAULT!

        1. StillGoinGreen

          I certainly do not blame the Chinese for anything – Do you think Russia blames us for getting a good deal on Alaska? Hell no – it became an infinitely better deal for the Ruskies after Walnuts released the Cracken!! It'll be the same for the Chinese – when they get a whiff of these teatards, they will sell everything back to us at pennies on the dollar – I call that a win/win!!!1!!1!

      3. zhubajie

        200 years ago, when the US was just independant, China was the most powerful country in the world, and one of the first to treat the US as equal to the older western countries.

        Read Qianlong's letter to George III sometime, explaining why he didn't want diplomatic or commercial relations. It's a pretty amazing example of polite arrogance!

        1. StillGoinGreen

          It is my personal belief that most people do not realize that China has ALWAYS been one of the most powerful countries, if not the most powerful country in the world. It is only with the internet and other 24 hour news outlets that these things have become easier to understand. China has a large section of their population that lives below the 3rd world threshold – but their government and emperial class have always been on par with any other country – that is why the phrase (paraphrased) speaking about the fear of "angering a billion yellow soldiers" was spoke of long before my birth (and that was a long time ago!).

    2. problemwithcaring

      Don't forget lawyers and judges – it's not just the wingnuts who make coin off the Fear Machine.

      Then again, the prison industrial complex is as ubiquitous as Made in China. Those locked-up American keep wages stagnated and unemployment low.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    I, for one, am scared shitless of these frightening Muslim terrorists. Because I am supposed to be, right? Freedom!

    THESE lazy bastards don't deserve a pay freeze, they need a pay cut. Or a new work schedule (every day off).

    1. zhubajie

      I have Muslim students in all my classes and nothing bad has happened to me yet. Muslim Chinese food is interesting, too.

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I imagine the sting went something like this…

    Undercover FBI “Hey kid! How would you like to blow up a Christmas tree?
    Kid “ Boy would I!”
    UF “We’ll give you everything you need. Just push the button.”
    Kid “I’ll have to ask my mom first.”
    UF “ Awww come on kid, what are you some kind of sissy momma’s boy?”
    Kid “ I ain’t no sissy! Gimmi the button!”
    UF “ Kid, you’re gonna be a martyr.”
    Kid “What’s a martyr?”

      1. Terry

        True. Ranty boys parroting the GOP line, thinking that they aren't, basically. They claim to be intellectuals, can't find a woman smart enough for them, but challenge a point and they tend to fall back to calling you a classist/statist/etc.

        The basic truth is that they are wanking to their libertarian fantasies while living in and reaping the benefits of communities and a culture created by OUR values, not theirs. Their dream city would look more like Mogadishu and they'd cry like babies if they got it.

        1. zhubajie

          Libertarians always take the current level of public health for granted. Polio, for example, didn't just die out because of a rare conjunction of the planets or the increasing numbers of faith-healers. It was wiped out early '60s by a series of mass vaccination campaigns. Malaria and Yellow Fever used to be big in the South. Now they are not, because of federal anti-mosquito campaigns in the '30s. Those wonderful good old days diseases could make a real come-back, if the libtards stop public health measures.

          1. Terry

            Of course, those are terrible intrusions of government into people's lives. If the people want vaccinations, they can buy them themselves.

            (pretty close to a Libtard rant?)

  14. prommie

    Oh, the story of the W administration's star "tare-ist" prosecution involved a man with known Arab ethnicity who was approached by one FBI agent who said "hey, you know anybody who wants to buy a stinger missile? I have stinger missiles for sale." He was then approached by another FBI agent who said, "Hey, you know where I could get my hands on a stinger missile? I need one bad, to do evil things with, and I will pay top dollar." The dude bought from one FBI agent and sold to another. Justice, its a wonderful thing.

  15. horsedreamer_1

    Terrorist? Muslim? Oregonian?

    Obviously, he's trying to kick it old school — like an hipster should — & bring back the Hashshashin.

  16. OneDollarJuana

    The Bush administration did this a bunch. This looks so much like what they did it makes me think that we haven't had ANY change we can use in the FBI.

    1. zhubajie

      Well, busting a terrorist probably looks better on the fitness report than other things. Might help get a promotion.

  17. MistaEko

    Hooray Third World America!

    Other countries make the jobs that make the things!
    We make the disillusioned males who want the things to 'splode!

  18. kenlayisalive

    You go that right. But Terrorist is worse because it means something legally. Like a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

    Makes you scared to donate even $10 to them. "Material Support" and all that.

    Ameri-jerks think that this is such a total travesty, after killing 100,000 people invading Iraq? What happened to the peanut gallery at the watergate hearings cheering and laughing at the bad guys? What happened to the people eager to read the Pentagon papers, thankful to know what was going on behind closed doors?

    Who are we? Maybe we are a bunch of stupid sheeple.

  19. iburl

    It seems like converting youthful anger into jihadism is Osama's job. Wouldn't it have made more economic sense to buy this kid a PS3 and a 4 diamond whore? It's hard to hate America when you're getting a pro BJ and playing Call of Duty.

      1. iburl

        I'll have to take your word for it, but I assume that a pro wouldn't actually "blow" into the urethra as an young girlfriend of mine did in my youth.

  20. SorosBot

    It is good to see the spirit of J. Edgar is still alive and well at the modern FBI. Hey, you know what the problem with the Iraq war protests earlier this decade was? They were too peaceful; they need to bring back the infiltrators who pretend to join the anti-war groups then stir up violence at peaceful protests.

  21. chascates

    In the same spirit we subsidize corn prices so people will become obese, so we can deny them medical care.

    1. zhubajie

      Don't organize anything subversive with any electronic communications. Bin Laden sends out written messages via couriers — women in Western garb. So Asia Times Online.

  22. V572625694

    The Defense Commissary Agency, providing socialist grocery stores for domestic military installations which have regular, capitalist grocery stores right outside their main gates, rejects your un-American suggestion that any government agencies are useless make-work dinosaurs intended to generate jobs in the home districts of high-seniority congress-critters.

    1. Pop_Socket

      The US military with paid housing, spouse and child allowances, free single-payer medical and subsidized entertainment is the most ideal form of socialism ever instituted.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Interesting although non-surprising observation: While in the greater Scottsdale area over our Savior's birthday (Thanksgiving), a saw an Escalade nearly every block. Coincidence that it is the epicenter of the real-estate implosion?

        1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

          It was amazing as I see at most maybe one a week in SoCal, a place not known for it's lack of blingification.
          God bless Arizona.

  23. deanbooth

    Also, this kid was offered a job in Alaska but couldn't get there because the FBI had put him on the no-fly list.

  24. notreelyhelping

    I love that the FBI kept a parking place open for him at one of the stone busiest downtown days of the year; I'm trying to imagine all the irate drivers they had to shoo away with "sorry, terroist parking only." And the kid's probably thinking, "Wow, I got this parking place. Allah be praised!"

  25. Mrspanky

    Let me get this straight.

    If I organize a militia of white boys for the Tea Party. I can train them in the Ocala National Forest without FBI harassment, so long as my militia has no coloreds or foreign-borns?

    God bless America!

  26. Sassomatic

    Me! Me! I will totally send emails criticizing the military and put a fake bomb wherever the FBI tells me for a $50 gift card to Chili's. I'm hungry damn it.

        1. ttommyunger

          You speak the truth, I would be in the slammer now without that toxic cocktail working on my behalf.

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