GRIM HOLIDAY TRADITIONS  2:40 pm November 25, 2010

Wholesome American Guts: A Thanksgiving Prayer From Our Past

by Ken Layne


We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs back in 2006. And something weird has happened in the years since. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs sounds less like sarcasm in our Terrible Year of the Lord 2010 and more like an elegy.

The stuff that drove Burroughs nuts — “thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business, thanks for a nation of finks” — is still here, of course. It’s in the latex-gloved hands of the cretin feeling up grandma in the Southwest line. It’s in the police helicopters circling the cities night and day.

But the victories, vulgar as they were, are all in the rapidly receding past. Even the Indians are getting a last laugh, as they shake down the once-wealthy white American, desperately gambling away his last unemployment check on Thanksgiving Morning, unsure whether to go home and kill himself or stop at the Wal-Mart first to take a few of his brethren and let some nerve-rattled Iraq vet pull up in his deputy sheriff’s car and finish off the job.

And on a day when Americans once celebrated the bounty of their land by sharing a rare extravagant feast, the modern inhabitant of this doomed nation will only notice that the overflowing platters of greasy poultry and mushed bread were prepared in the kitchen at home for some reason, rather than picked up at the drive-thru. And then it will be time to drink “suitcases” of Bud Lite (less filling!) and plop down before the widescreen to watch towering slabs of humanity slam into each other and scratch at their anuses through tight polyester leggings.

 
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{ 173 comments }

MistaEko November 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Daddy, I thought you said Uncle Ken was going to be upstairs watching football for the rest of dinner.

the_problem_child November 25, 2010 at 3:22 pm

8 fists up before a second comment was even posted!

V572625694 November 26, 2010 at 11:20 am

This is the kind of Wonkette Xceptionalism that WINS THANKSGIVING DAY!

DoktorZoom November 25, 2010 at 3:20 pm

And thanks for Mexico's pliable/incompetent judicial system in 1951

(Huh…according to the Wikipedia, video was directed by Gus Van Sant. Cool.)

Plowmon November 25, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Plenty of folks shoot their wife in the head after some serious drinkin' (or would like to), what's your beef with Mexico?

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 9:27 pm

Less beheadings would be a nice start.

Plowmon November 25, 2010 at 9:57 pm

GODDAMMIT, YOU MEAN THEM MUSLINS IS DOWN IN OL' MESICO TOO?!?

4TheTurnstiles November 25, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Mission Accomplished!

wondering where i am November 25, 2010 at 3:25 pm

No, THANK YOU, Billy boy.

Radiotherapy November 25, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Thanks that your super-conservative in-laws have internet access. Now go show them this video and see how that goes over.

lulzmonger November 25, 2010 at 3:48 pm

"I'm an elitist. I believe in government by people able to govern."

transfatz November 26, 2010 at 6:12 am

Yeah, we probably should have stuck with the Pythagoreans.

Qatarded November 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm

I'm sleeping with the light on tonight.

Radiotherapy November 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Probably, what, 5% of people would understand what WSB is saying here. Not highly recommended conversation over a bountiful feast with Föx-indoctrinated relatives. You might as well have Rev. Jeremiah Wright say the blessing.
Finks, indeed.

DahBoner November 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm

I love his Advice to Young People!
http://www.lyricsvip.com/William-S.-Burroughs/Wor

NorbertsRevenge November 25, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Set to music by Material — one of the greatest tracks evah. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

zhubajie November 25, 2010 at 5:43 pm

That's why there's Thanksgivings football: so you don't have to talk.

Radiotherapy November 25, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Hey zhu, hope your szechuan turkey was tasty.

BarackMyWorld November 25, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Didn't Glenn Beck air some satirical Burroughs clips not too long ago and try to claim he was serious?

kenlayisalive November 26, 2010 at 12:48 am

ugh.

V572625694 November 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

There is no way Glenn Beck could continue to exist if he had ever read anything by Burroughs — rich guy! gay guy! drug-using guy! lived extensively outside Xceptional USA, in muslin countries!

BarackMyWorld November 26, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Whoops…I was thinking of George Bernard Shaw.

BarackMyWorld November 26, 2010 at 1:25 pm

I was thinking of George Bernard Shaw.

weejee November 26, 2010 at 9:42 am

Finks? Had WSB been reading olde Mad Magazines or watching olde Jimmy Cagney movies before writing the poem?

bakenekoX November 26, 2010 at 11:57 pm

I've been known to play this for guests on Thanksgiving before we sit down to eat.

Anyone who takes offense either doesn't get invited the next year, or opts out on their own accord.

WSB was indeed "the Dean of American writers", as Norman Mailer wrote in one of his saner moments.

I feel blessed to have met WSB at his 69th birthday party in SFO and shared a joint with him at Mark Pauline's Survival Research Laboratories.

BeWoot November 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm

I'm getting all misty-eyed, Dobe.

marinmaven November 25, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Ken. Watching this has become a tradition with me. It is a nice way to embrace what is dark,disturbing, and distressing about our Amerikkan heritage. It is kinda like reading Air Conditioned Nightmare by Henry Miller. It cuts through the artery clogging grease of self-congratulation and grotesque hubris of our countrymen. It casts the evil eye on mean-spiritied neo-puritanism and anti-intellectualism that hates art, science, women, gays, dark people. It takes a mid-century junky to see that our country is diseased and put it into words.

My son learned a song about the Native Americans and the pilgrims that stops short before you talk about diseased blankets and a brutal sense of manifest destiny. Happy Thanksgiving, Kids.

Dashboard_Jesus November 26, 2010 at 3:17 am

"It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society" ~ Krishnamurti (or sometimes takes a wise Indian)

Fred_Wertham_Jr November 25, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Now, where did I put that heroin?

DahBoner November 25, 2010 at 4:18 pm

I tell all my dates they should give thanks for my eel. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/25/opinion/25prose

x111e7thst November 25, 2010 at 4:19 pm

"Thanks for church going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces". Damn, I want to rent a billboard and post that. Best would be right opposite a church but almost anywhere would do.

elviouslyqueer November 25, 2010 at 7:41 pm

And I have just the place. We locals refer to it as Six Flags Over Jesus.

x111e7thst November 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm

For me Bellevue will always conjure images of the old Psychiatric Hospital (now a men's homeless shelter).

valgal2342 November 25, 2010 at 9:55 pm

Sister Sarah/Phyllis Schafly/Anita Bryant- 3 mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces for your billboard.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 3:22 am

That was is my favorite line of all.

OneDollarJuana November 25, 2010 at 4:21 pm

Went to a wedding reception where both sides of the family were recovering alcoholics. Shortest. reception. ever.

vulpes82 November 25, 2010 at 4:24 pm

And a Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Ken! I think I'll go put a pistol in my mouth, now.

OneDollarJuana November 25, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I remember when olds weren't fat, selfish, slobs with asses draped noisily over straining Rascal scooters, drooling with rage against the evil socialist government grasping at their Medicare, drooling in anticipation of the next Double Down sandwich slithering its oily way down their swollen esophagi, drooling in anticipation of sticking it to the liberal elite, greedy unions, and chronically unemployed once again with a vote for some demagogic snowbilly.

I haz a tear.

BeWoot November 25, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Hey! I like good, muscular prose as much as the next guy–in fact, that's some nice word work there, ODJuana–but try to be a little a little more discriminating with your broadsword play. I've actually lost a little weight lately and live the Rascal-free lifestyle here in Olds world. More pertinently, I ain't just a liberal, I'm practically a fucking bolshevik. Disrespect your elders with a little more care. Just sayin'.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:18 pm

"Olds World", they have like what, flapper strippers and people remember the name of the drink before they called it old-fashioned?

BeWoot November 25, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Nah, no strippers. We're naked all the time, just sittin' around, airin' it out while we make fun of the kids. (Flappers we don't talk about.) And we drink whatever is on special at the Liquor Barn.

Buzz Feedback November 25, 2010 at 4:47 pm

Burroughs is in Tangiers. I don't think he's coming back.

MommysFetusJar November 25, 2010 at 8:01 pm

It's sinister.

axmxz November 26, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Is this some form of practical joke?

SmutBoffin November 25, 2010 at 4:51 pm

Sounds like somebody (Bill Burroughs) forgot (NEVAR FORGET) the Maine, Alamo, 54-40, and 9/11, all combined and drizzled with muslin communism sauce.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 3:27 am

You forgot about forgetting the loss of the South in the War of Northern Agression/War for Southern Independence/War Between the States/Mr. Lincoln's War/Slaveholders' Rebellion, etc…

DahBoner November 25, 2010 at 5:11 pm

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way.

I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house.

We had an enormous feast.

And then I killed them and took their land.

USA! USA! USA!

Dr_pangloss November 27, 2010 at 1:31 pm

See you only need to kill about %60 then drive the rest off to live in the garbage dump, "For their own good". You really need to work on your reenactment skills. Maybe Rich Iott of Ohio can give you a hand. He lives for reenactments or so I'm told.

chascates November 25, 2010 at 5:42 pm

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Mr. Carlson, of WKRP.

HurricaneAli November 25, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Thanks, that never gets old!

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:18 pm

WKRP needs a reboot. Who should star in it, maybe Jack Black?

metamarcisf November 25, 2010 at 9:17 pm

Oh, the humanity!

Wait..what? November 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm

"I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack! It was almost as if they were… organized!"

My favorite TV episode ever.

marinmaven November 26, 2010 at 11:45 am

I chose to put up video of what I think was the best episode of WKRP or perhaps any show at that time or since on Facebook yesterday. I picked this video rather than the Thanksgiving prayer because I wasn't in the mood to alienate my Facebook friends yesterday. Normally, I drop a lot of bombs that all have the potential to piss off my friends and family because there are more republicans/teatards than you would expect a socialist-commie like me to have. Yesterday was Armistice Day, i guess. Next Thanksgiving, I am laying some Billy on them, not Graham, Burroughs.

VinnyThePooh November 25, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Happy Thanksglutton!

Come here a minute November 25, 2010 at 5:52 pm

Ha! I pay somebody to scratch my anus thru tight polyester! SUCKERS!

chascates November 25, 2010 at 5:58 pm

And for some holiday hilarity here's Rush Limbaugh's "The Real Story of Thanksgiving":
http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/home/daily/site_11241

elviouslyqueer November 25, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Yay, one more thing to be thankful for: that Rushy Limpballs will never in a fucking million years ever produce offspring and will, after his untimely demise from an overabundance of bile, be best remembered as "Rush who?"

BeWoot November 25, 2010 at 9:03 pm

I spring a woody when Rush calls me "folks."

BarackMyWorld November 25, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Wait….it's a transcript of him….READING from…his own book?

That's stupid on at least 3 levels. Also.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2010 at 9:50 pm

The NYT had a pretty thorough refudiation of this idocy a few days ago. Not that this stops Rush from telling the same story year after year.

elpinche November 25, 2010 at 11:33 pm

I'm still thankful..even though that mutherfucker's kidneys still function.

Dr_pangloss November 27, 2010 at 1:27 pm

One of say a handful of people in the world that I hope dies from asscancer. Slowly.

slappypaddy November 25, 2010 at 6:30 pm

sounds like he covered most of the bases, but he died before he could give any thanks to aunt wonkette for the cranberry business.

i am here to bear witness. the recipe was made this morning in this very home, with the following variations. dried cranberries were used, because i live in the fucking desert and by the time the cranberries get here, they've all dried out. doglessliberal suggested i soak them in o.j. and agua before whipping them up into something awesome, so i did. since they were sopping with o.j., i didn't use a fresh orange–i have one, they grow close enough to this place so they don't get all dried out before they get here, but i didn't use it–instead, i sprinkled a liberal, even socialist, amount of dried orange peel into the mix. then i poured in as much irish whiskey as i could stand to see going to waste, and knocked back a shot myself so i wouldn't feel bad about it. i sprinkled a half-cup of sugar on top–by this time everything is in a pyrex–and it drowned. i put the pyrex in the oven, heated to 375 fuckinhot since early in the morning for all the other stuff that was gonna go in there, and took one last look at the recipe. i quickly pulled the pyrex out of the oven and covered it in aluminum foil the way the recipe says to (the whiskey was good). i cooked it for, fuck, i dunno, maybe a half-hour, pulled it out, set it on the counter to cool, and stripped off its foil covering. later, all who partook of it exclaimed, forsooth, 'tis tasty!

Madam Killjoy November 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm

"i sprinkled a liberal, even socialist, amount of dried orange peel into the mix"

I am so using salt socialistly in all my soup recipes from now on.

slappypaddy November 25, 2010 at 6:30 pm

now, as an added free bonus special, here is slappypaddy's spaghetti squash recipe, which was invented this very same day and cooked in the same oven. take a good-sized spaghetti squash, about the size of an american football. you're going to cook it in a good-sized pyrex, so if you don't have one, get one. they're not terribly expensive and they're very useful. you'll need one that's about two foot by one foot by maybe two inches. something you'd cook a respectable lasagna in.

take your squash, and with your heftiest kitchen knife (the one your spouse waves around every time she has had just about e-fucking-nough), split your squash longitudinally (if you don't know what that means, look it up, it'll do you good). take a smaller knife and a hefty stainless steel spoon and slice and scrape the seeds and all the stuff around the seeds (it looks like some sort of growth from a science fiction movie) out from the insides of your two squash halves. set this stuff aside.

pour about a half-cup, maybe a little more, of olive oil into your pyrex and coat the bottom of the pyrex evenly. don't be stingy with the oil, i know it's expensive, but it's good for you. take nutmeg or ground cloves–but not both! (i used ground cloves today)–and sprinkle it generously into the oil. follow this with an equally-generous application of dried orange peel. follow this with black pepper (if you sneeze, try not to sneeze into the pyrex; if you sneeze into the pyrex, glance around to make sure nobody was watching). put the two halves of your squash face-down into the pyrex. that means the flat sides down, in the spiced oil, and the rounded sides up. if you like, take the seeds and the gooey stuff that came out with them when you scraped them out and lay it in the spiced oil between the two squash halves. someone (you if you're stoned enough) may want to eat this later after it's cooked.

slide the pyrex, uncovered, into your oven, which i forgot to tell you should be preheated to 375 fuckinhot. cook it for 90 minutes. pull it out and set it on a surface where you can work with it some more.

turn the squash halves over in the pyrex dish. be careful, they're going to be hot (fuckinhot). you can use a spatula and that hefty spoon you used earlier, turn them over with those. take the pyrex casserole dish that you have and that i also forgot to mention and scrape the cooked squash out of its shells and into this dish. use the little knife (you didn't put it in the sink already, did you? get it and rinse it off, then) to loosen the squash around the edges of the shells, then use the hefty spoon to scrape out the squash and scoop it into the casserole dish. drop a stick of butter in with it. yes, a whole stick.

i forgot to tell you about the flax seeds and the sesame seeds, but you're going to need a bunch of those, too. sprinkle them copiously, which means about as much as you can stand, in with the the cooked squash innards and the stick of butter. stir this mess around in the casserole dish until you can't hardly stand it. if you turned the oven off because i forgot to tell you to leave it on, go turn it back on. 350 is fine. flatten down the top surface of your squash mash in your casserole dish. you can use your hefty spoon to do this.

you have brown sugar, right? lots of it? of course you do. sprinkle a bunch of this–say about a cup–pretty uniformly over the surface of your squash mash and put the dish uncovered in your oven. leave it there about a half-hour. pull it out, serve it, and you and your loved ones will think you've died and gone to heaven to dine on ambrosia.

so, to recap, since i just sort of stumbled through this today in an ad hoc manner, here is what you'll need:

an oven pre-heated to 375 f
1 pyrex flat baking dish, big
1 pyrex casserole dish
1 robust spaghetti squash
olive oil
nutmeg or ground cloves
dried orange peel
ground black pepper
butter
flax seeds
sesame seeds
brown sugar

go back and check again to make sure i didn't miss anything, and bon appetit.

BTWBFDIMHO November 25, 2010 at 6:52 pm

New Mexico?

jim89048 November 26, 2010 at 10:46 am

Spaghetti squash afterbirth–ew!

VinnyThePooh November 25, 2010 at 6:43 pm

And now for the apple pie and then the bottomless glass of bourbon.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Make sure to drink a lot of water with that or you are going to be dealing with a 10" black cylinder of tar in the morning.

elpinche November 26, 2010 at 1:25 am

That's why I call it Black Tar Friday

UW8316154 November 26, 2010 at 11:17 am

I love the way the wonkett community looks after its own.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:12 pm

I'm dealing with alcoholic ones that have decided to tell you at length about how that big scary black man is bad for the economy when some have been unemployed since 2006, queers ( i.e homosexual, butt pirates) are ruining marriage when they are all on their 2nd or 3rd one and as they quaff their 10th MGD they start slurring insults at you about how you are pussy for having only managed to drink 2 craft beers. Well at least we got a hotel this year, last year we woke to her cousin who resembles a fleshy asteroid with acne craters being rushed to the hospital for diabetic shock. Calling the taxi in 4 more hours, woo!

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2010 at 8:54 pm

That sounds completely subhuman — MGD?!

Dashboard_Jesus November 26, 2010 at 3:10 am

thanks for reminding me why I don't spend Thanksgiving with the 'family' anymore…

sherriawilson November 26, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Which is why I always tell my children, if you have to get married, marry an orphan.

ChuckieJesus November 26, 2010 at 7:26 pm

Best decision I ever made! Best Thanksgiving dinner ever, too, with a newly divorced friend, many bottles of booze, a non-turkey dinner (salmon) and tha ganj.

PsycWench November 27, 2010 at 8:07 am

I can highly recommend it! …Plus when your family learns that your poor husband lost both parents and isn't close to his only brother (for a reason), they cut him all kinds of breaks.

Weenus299 November 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

I fuggin miss Bill. I prepared and served up my thanksgiving feast stone cold wasted, and kicked everyone out, cleaned everything up myself, and still felt loved. Because Bill did shit to wake me up.

Happy fuckin' thanksgiving America.

metamarcisf November 25, 2010 at 9:02 pm

William S. Burroughs deserves the Steely Dan award for eloquence. And tomorrow's Black Friday!

V572625694 November 26, 2010 at 11:00 am

Ha ha, Steely Dan. Can I get an appointment with Dr Benway now?

And don't go swimming — there're candiru in the water.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2010 at 9:07 pm

That's all he had to bitch about? Oh, those were simpler times.

Mindblank November 26, 2010 at 9:11 am

To be fair, he only really bitched because he shot his wife in the head while drunk.

sanantonerose November 25, 2010 at 9:27 pm

Actually, this post cheered me up considerably. Means one of the good guys was right.

wsbloodystump November 25, 2010 at 10:41 pm

While I fucked up and put the cranberry business in the wrong kind of dish (not sure if I was tipsy or my mom was distracted by Fox)…all conservatard, muslin-hating, Beck-worshipping family at our Thanksgiving loved it and shunned grandma's cranberry relish. They didn't even mind when I spent half of dinner drunkenly reading the recipe aloud. Hooray Thanksgiving!

XOhioan November 25, 2010 at 10:54 pm

Oh thanks. I'm already itching from imaginary bedbugs in our Thanksgiving hotel and now my asshole is begging for a scratch.

donner_froh November 25, 2010 at 11:44 pm

I think I have seen the William Burroughs video every Thanksgiving since 2006 and while it no longer has the shock of the new it becomes more depressingly entertaining with each turkey day.

He had cojones to spare.

Thanks, Ken, for once again bringing out the true spirit of American Thanksgiving, particularly the desperately gambling away his last unemployment check on Thanksgiving Morning, unsure whether to go home and kill himself or stop at the Wal-Mart first to take a few of his brethren.

Ultra perfecto.

PocketsTheClown November 26, 2010 at 2:25 am

This was my first time. Glad it gets better. In the mean time…

DOOK DOOK DOOK!!
http://www.maakies.com/

JoshuaNorton November 26, 2010 at 1:18 am

I made an interesting discovery earlier this afternoon. If you drink cooking sherry real fast, it doesn't taste too salty.

Something to remember for next Thanksgiving.

PS – Pomegranate Cosmos are also good. Also.

You're welcome.

Mojopo November 26, 2010 at 1:54 am

Polyester leggings was a brilliant way to finish this, Ken. Unless everyone was there for the whole blog, that last line doesn't twist as much in the heart. Good work. Loved.

Ducandy November 26, 2010 at 2:43 am

I am pissed. I'm probably the last one to notice the absence of the Cute, bespectacled Wonkette girl at the top of the page. That's exactly what attracted me this site. That cute, Tina Fey-like cartoon hotty, and I don't even select the "comes on her glasses" pron, but I'm An Olde.

Also.

I start every semi-uneventful day with a couple of cups of my crappy coffee (Folger's) and reading Wonkette. I am old, but new to Snark. Yay! Smart-ass twenty something bullshit to start my stupid day!

Where did the fucking cute girl go?

Rarian Rakista November 26, 2010 at 3:44 am

Sex slavery.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 4:23 am

To a Black Friday sale, of course. If she returns, we'll know that she was not trampled by a Bovine-American or crushed beneath a relentless scrum of rogue Hoverounds.

Respitetini November 26, 2010 at 8:32 am

To the Gen-X museum with Lisa Loeb and the remaining members of the Gin Blossoms.

UW8316154 November 26, 2010 at 11:21 am

twenty-something? I wish. Today is my birthday, and the numerical count has no "two" in it anywhere….

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm

i still see her in my dreams. she tells me i'm a bad kitty, then lets me curl up in her lap. then i wake up, my heart pounding.

Terry November 26, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Ken and the guys had been kinda of unhappy with a girly mast head after AnaMarie Cox left. You know guys and their security issues…

Ducandy November 26, 2010 at 2:58 am

Did Ken Layne get kidnapped by a bunch of seventeen year-old, Taylor Momsen look-alike hookers and miss a royalty payment on the art? For that, I would be OK.

What the fuck. I know you Eastern pussies are all getting rested-up for a long day earning shitty slave-wages working for fat, Jewish bankers, so I'll be patient waiting for my answer, OK?

UW8316154 November 26, 2010 at 11:22 am

Ken is upstairs, watching football.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 3:30 am

I spent my Thanksgiving with crippling back pain/pinched nerve and a stomach ache from the night before. Thank the baby Jeebus for cyclobenzaprine, or however in the hell you spell it.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 10:49 am

Sucks, hope you feel better.

Oblios_Cap November 26, 2010 at 8:54 am

The "Thanks for the Indians to provide a modicum of danger" line makes me tear up everytime.

trampndirtdown November 26, 2010 at 9:05 am

I don't quite understand how some guy at a call center provides danger. Is it the jerb stealing?

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 9:07 pm

I don't know, man. A couple'a days ago a Michigan court just cold up and ruled that a Chippawa tribe here in Michigan could have a handful of townships, and Michigan's own General George A. Custer could be heard rolling in his grave. The American Indian is making quite a comeback.

Chet Kincaid November 27, 2010 at 11:40 am

Wow, I just checked out some articles about that on Google News. New developments in the NFC North's War On Indians! Does this mean Central Michigan is now under Native Sharia Law?

The USofA came up with an interesting scheme to get Great Lakes land out of Native hands: They parceled up tribal lands among individual Indians, including women. When the Native women married white men, ownership of the property passed to the husbands. Ms. Kincaid actually has a copy of the land grant certificate given to one of her Ojibwe ancestors.

weejee November 26, 2010 at 9:54 am

The realz Warshington's realz American Sherman Alexie, when asked if he celbrates Thanksgiving said (laughing):

Yes! My standard response to all that is yes. You know, white folks brought me Custer, but white folks also brought me Bruce Springsteen, so I’ll be giving thanks for Bruce Springsteen.

Yup, [we] make a turkey, invite our lonely white friends over. We live up to the spirit of Thanksgiving ‘cuz we invite all of our most desperately lonely white [friends] to come eat with us. We always end up with the recently broken up, the recently divorced, the broken hearted. From the very beginning, Indians have been taking care of broken hearted white people…we just extend that tradition.

The full interview in Sadie Magazine is here. And he does, in his gentle way, take libtarded pale faces to task as well as the conservative ones.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 10:51 am

So this is the third time I'm commenting "thanks for the link" because my comment somehow keeps disappearing. wtf?

mrblifil November 26, 2010 at 9:34 am

Wasn't that guy in The Clash for a while?

Come here a minute November 26, 2010 at 10:54 am

Slam dance cosmopolis FTW.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 11:27 am

"Slam dance cosmopolis" was Allen Ginsberg.

Ginsberg came to my cornfield college to give a reading/concert round about '80-'81, with his lover Peter Orlovsky and some young guitar playing dude they might have been shtupping. I can still hear him caterwauling "Do the meditation! Do the meditation!"

WordSaladNation November 26, 2010 at 10:29 am

Here's a fun Thanksgiving story for you Wonketteers:

So I spent part of Thanksgiving with my second cousin, a older, rabid conservative and self-described "New Jersey hillbilly" (for real!). He's a really, really nice guy, but we just DON'T TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

Anyway, at one point, we were discussing a paper that I'm writing for graduate school (elitist!), and I happened to mention that part of it was about American Indians. OH NO OH SHIT, I thought. Here we go!

"You know," he said, "there's something I don't understand."

DANGER! DANGER!

"Why is it not okay to be prejudiced against the blacks and the illegal Mexicans, but it is okay to be prejudiced against the American Indians? After everything that the white settlers did to them…it really is disgusting. If any people in America need a break, it's the American Indians."

I was going to make a snide comment that he had better be careful or he was going to get his "Bill O'Reilly Fan Club" card taken away, but I didn't. I just picked my jaw up off the floor, muttered something that sounded like "Blarfthpfhgh!", and shoved another piece of turkey in my mouth.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 12:22 pm

I smiled, even though this small moment of redemption goes against the post's prevailing tone of despair. Maybe especially because…

Radiotherapy November 26, 2010 at 3:09 pm

The party-line, according to my dittohead brother is: what have the Indians ever contributed to American culture? Your cousin must have missed that chapter. But it's probably better to leave him to deal with the twinge of conscientious thought.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Word to your brother:
http://www.amazon.com/Indian-Givers-Indians-Ameri
http://www.amazon.com/Native-Roots-Indians-Enrich

Written in plain, non-academic language even a Real US American could understand.

WordSaladNation November 26, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Now I know what my family is getting for Christmas!

Well, that and a Furby.

Radiotherapy November 26, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Thanks Chet,
I'll read 'em. But I couldn't get my family to read Catcher in the Rye critically. I dread that they'll buy the snowbilly grifter tales.

Dr_pangloss November 27, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Yeah its pretty fucked up. "What have Indians contributed?" They were our handy punching bag for centuries. When we lacked a foreign enemy to shoot our good ole red brothers were handy to have around. Plus they were in the way of spreading Jesus. What have they contributed? Everything. We took everything from them and gave them nothing.

Terry November 26, 2010 at 10:39 am

Is the entire Wonkette staff laying in bed, nursing a hangover?

weejee November 26, 2010 at 11:06 am

Unkle Ken invited them upstairs to watch some footzbawls…

freakishlywrong November 26, 2010 at 12:41 pm

They are at the mallz fist fighting for cheap Chinese made "gifts".

V572625694 November 26, 2010 at 11:06 am

At dinner w/friends yesterday our host said, "I'm sorry Colin Powell isn't involved in politics anymore. I really respected him."

Me, inadvisedly rising to the bait: "But he sold his soul to Bush at the UN."

Pinched-face father of host's gorgeous future daughter-in-law: "Better Bush than OBAMA! "

Me: [guzzling more wine]

Later I was almost run out of the house for suggesting that Canada is what America would be like if it were to grow up and get rid of the mortgage interest deduction. Good times!

Radiotherapy November 26, 2010 at 6:43 pm

V,
Martini's work faster. That story is the pumpkin pie to WSB's dry turkey.
XOXOXO
Radio

Chet Kincaid November 28, 2010 at 11:21 am

If they respect Powell so much, why don't they take his word for it that Obama is not the Anti-Christ? Lord Almighty, the stupid bigotry…

V572625694 November 28, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Obedient loyal-servant Black overseer of Poors who do massa's dirty work (wars on Browns): good.Challenging, independent Black man (w/gorgeous capable wife and adorable kids) in charge of White people: bad.Powell was admirable, but gave it up for Chimpy. It can happen to anyone; it just happened to him in a very public way.________________________________________

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 11:50 am

So, judging from the comments, the majority of Wonketeers are the red-headed stepchildren of white, soft-to-hardcore wingnut families, forced to endure agonizing "meathead" holiday dinners?

Oh, how completely blind "Real U.S. Americans" are to their reflexive racism and ignorance! I will go out on a limb and say that most black American families, or people who don't use FOX as their thinking organ, do not detect even the slightest amount of "radicalism," "hatred," or "socialism" from Ol' Hopey. I would venture to say that their first free-association from "Obama" might be "naive," or "punching bag," if anything. But since Negroes are by definition incapable of "objectivity," especially regarding one of our own, we cannot perceive that he is in fact the Anti-Christ.

This makes me glad Ms. Kincaid has no contact with her mostly-white cheesehead heritage. She has one long-lost sister up there with teabag tendencies, which is a good reason to stay long-lost. As for me, I grew up a PK in a black fundie/evangelical household, but most of my siblings keep politics separate from church, i.e., vote Democratic. Only one sister, I think, ever voted based on social conservative issues.

What I'm trying to say is, it appears that unless Youngs, Blacks and Hispanics come out of hibernation again in 2012, you and I are fucked, red-headed stepchildren!

weejee November 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Great point Chet! Out here in the Soviet of Washington we got over a 70% voter turn-out, but that was precipitated by the close race between Patty Murray and some schuck name of Ratso Rossi or something. Late votes pushed Patty from almost a dead heat to a 5% win, but most of 'Murica's libtarded & independent young folk and older Blacks, & Hispanics sat 2010 out. Gotta convince them there are some grizzlies out there who are skippin' hibernation and that they better wake up soon or all the berries and the salmon will get scooped by some unbearable bears.

Terry November 26, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I'm not. My parents are both union hall style liberals. My maternal grandfather every single day at Grace thanked God for the United Mine Workers and John L. Lewis. Both parents think that Obama is doing a good job, given the GOP obstructionism and general insanity.

I love my parents.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Nice to hear!

Terry November 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm

One of my cousins "liked" Sarah Palin on Facebook, causing other members of the family to discuss holding an exorcism until the cousin came out and said he did it as a joke to annoy people.

Katydid November 26, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Maybe the majority of Wonketeers, dunno, but I hope it's just the majority of people who comment. I didn't post about my relatives at Thanksgiving because there was nothing interesting to say.

I'm white, and I don't know anybody in my family who's a wingnut. I've never heard anybody in my family say anything wingnutty. Some of my relatives vote Republican sometimes, but I don't know of any wingnuts, or, god forbid, teabaggers. If there are, they keep their mouths shut about it. I can't be the only one who doesn't have wingnuts in their family. Can I?

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 1:49 pm

you have been blessed by the lord, my child. go forth in peace.

Grief_Lessons November 26, 2010 at 9:19 pm

If you can't identify the wingnut in your family it may be you.

problemwithcaring November 27, 2010 at 12:44 pm

That's some funny ass shit.

Dr_pangloss November 27, 2010 at 1:06 pm

My parents? I'm not really sure how they voted or if they ever did. My father seems socially left but is a practicing Catholic. Both were working class folks and my mom was very introverted so it was not really in the house so to speak. My Dad is a live and let live kind of guy but he is also heard saying things like "Jiggaboo" and such. Once in a while I hear a FOX talking point come out of him, so he probably watches FOX. I think they have some sort of mind control device targeted at old people.

DahBoner November 26, 2010 at 1:26 pm

"Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail"

Damn Straight!

Many Americans are nostalgic for the daze when a Pretzeldent could barely speak and would spew out Bumper Sticker cliches based on lies and stereotypes and then giggle like a psychopathic idiot.

Ahhhh. Those were the daze, my friends….

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Direct Onion link: http://www.theonion.com/articles/frustrated-obama
Why give FOX the pageviews, dude?!

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 2:26 pm

EEP! Ya know, I just went with the first thing I googled! Deleting that now!

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

they'll return. palin/dumbshitgringo 2012.

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Heh…I'm more of a bald-headed adoptee myself, but yes, my parents were on the rightish side…in 1972, my mom switched from Nixon to John Schmitz, who was kicked out of the John Birch Society for being too extreme. My father, born in Texas in 1898, briefly belonged to the KKK in the 1920s, but as far as I know never did anything more violent than drink beer and complain about the Catholics…and then he converted to Catholicism when he met my mom.

For all that, politics and culture war stuff was more like background radiation in our home. Dad died when I was ten, so I never talked about any of that with him, and while my mom was very much a pro-life Catholic (even had an "ABORTION IS MURDER" bumper sticker), she was far more worried about my soul than my vote–she was convinced that going to college was what led me away from the Church–and I really don't recall ever having an actual political argument with her. The closest may have been almost exactly 30 years ago, after she said "good riddance" when John Lennon was murdered–he was, after all, a druggie atheist.

Now, my own kiddo, who's 13, is given to exclaiming, "Wow–that's sexist!" when he sees stereotypes in TV commercials. He's very unhappy that he has to wait another five years to vote.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 9:24 pm

I'm lucky. My black family is of a really unconventional type. My dad is practically an aetheist and my mom is apathetic to care about religion, so she's basically an agnostic. My dad's really politicaly and very to the left, probably to the left of me, even, and again, my mom is too disinterested to care most of the time, but is reliably Democratic once she get's interested. I've met no one that hates Sarah Palin more than she does. My dad was raised Catholic (yes, there are such things as black Catholics), but he got out of that soon after childhood. Both grandmothers are religious, which you'd expect given when they grew up, but more culturally and ideologically religious (neither is church-going), and both are liberal Democrats. Both of my grandfathers, now deceased, were unionized public sector employees (one city worker the other a federal worker). I have a polical aunt that is wont to send out birthday cards printed with silly Bushisms to folks she know will get and appreciate the joke.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'd have to go a long ways vertically or even horizontally to find a legitimately conservative and/or Republican on my family tree.

DahBoner November 26, 2010 at 11:55 am

Polyester? Polyester?

Shouldn't they be wearing cotton?

It's much more comfortable in the heat….

DahBoner November 26, 2010 at 11:56 am

And what's this I hear about today being "Black Friday"?

If that's true, where's the Fried Chicken, Watermelon and Iced Tea?

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 12:29 pm

and aren't there supposed to be grey men diving from the fourteenth floor?

FNMA November 26, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Do you mean, motherfucking iced tea?

DahBoner November 26, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Looks like this American Patriot was prepared for Black Friday:

Man accused of having gun, knives, 'pepper grenade' in Boynton Beach Walmart. http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/crime/man-accus

DahBoner November 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Rush Limpdick says "We got shafted when we bought Manhattan"

Has anyone seen pictures of the interior of Rush's Manhattan apartment?

It looks like Liberace threw up on the walls and ceiling: http://gothamist.com/2010/08/21/rush_gets_11mm_fo

Rush was looking in the mirror on this one–one look at Rush's Gay Manhattan apartment quickly tells you that…

RUSH GOT SHAFTED IN MAN-HAT-TAN.

freakishlywrong November 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Worked too hard. It was 85 degrees in Floriduh yesterday. Dinner was lovely, thankfully wingnuts know their place in our dizzle. Am drinking again already, awaiting vids of Xtian assholes assaulting each other in honor of the birth of their Lord.

Uncle Ken really delivered in that last paragraph for realz.

jakegittes November 26, 2010 at 1:18 pm

I've got an in-law that refused to eat meat marinaded in a teriyaki sauce. He said that his diabetes prevented him from partaking due to the high salt content. Then he slumped off to a chair, flung his feet over the arms, slouched down and proceeded to wolf down a whole package of beef jerky while watching re-runs of rodeos on ESPN6 (or whatever flavor of ESPN shows rodeo). Washed the Beef Jerky all down with a Mountain Dew. Mmm Mmm Good.

Rarian Rakista November 26, 2010 at 2:27 pm

At least you don't have to go to a place in the deep south where Pizza is still considered ethnic food.

Neilist November 26, 2010 at 1:26 pm

William S. Burroughs: Mediocre prose stylist. Lousy pistol shot.

[Unless he meant to get rid of the Little Woman that way , , ,, ]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_S._Burroughs

Funny thing how no one ever remembers the victim's name, isn't it?

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Routine shooting: Neither killer nor victim's name is remembered.

Shooting in which Fairly Famous Person is shooter or victim: Only the famous person's name is remembered. Examples: Phil Hartman, W.S. Burroughs, Robert Blake

Shooting in which Genuinely Famous Person is the victim: Both names remembered. Either name may, with time, be incorporated into the name of a band.

Neilist November 26, 2010 at 4:32 pm

The "Lessons Learned" is to shoot as many people as possible, e.g., Charles Whitman, the "Texas Tower Killer."

"What he could see, he could hit."

Also, come to think if it: George Bush the Younger.

Neilist
World -Famous Author of "The Role of The Machine Gun In Western Civilization"

LionHeartSoyDog November 26, 2010 at 1:32 pm

"…scratch at their anuses through tight polyester leggings."

Is the TSA hiring?

user-of-owls November 26, 2010 at 2:09 pm

In a truly hopeless attempt to keep the seething nightly dinner table contempt at bay, my mother used to force us all to answer the question, "What made you happy today?"

I'm always on the fence as to whether having Ken as a sibling would have made for more or less childhood trauma around the table.

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 3:20 pm

i saw a news report that barry had to get stitches after michelle cold-cocked him in the white house kitchen during the last dismal hours of a drunken thanksgiving brawl.

now that i've written that, i expect to see it as breaking news on fox.

fuflans November 26, 2010 at 3:49 pm

i've been waiting for wonkette take on this.

and palin tweets of course.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 4:03 pm

"Playground Thuggery Demeans Presidency"
"Family Violence Shatters White House Thanksgiving"
"Obama 'Ballin' Leads To Disgraceful Domestic Dispute In Former 'White House'"
"'It's My House Now!!' Crazy-Eyed Reggie Love Howls After Fouling Weak President"
"Hoops Or Country? Obama Hones Jumpshot Instead Of Jumpstarting Economy"
"You Know Who Else Got An Undignified Domestic Beatdown At Thanksgiving While Being Half-Black?"

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 4:09 pm

brilliant. you're hired. hope you don't mind working for free.

Chet Kincaid November 26, 2010 at 3:43 pm

So much for the mass TS and A hysteria at the airports: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-met-thanksg

fuflans November 26, 2010 at 3:46 pm

as always, ORD weather was the mass travel day fuck up culprit.

HistoriCat November 27, 2010 at 3:56 pm

I guess they caught that one or two people who could bring the operation to a standstill.

Oblios_Cap November 28, 2010 at 11:49 am

The Sheeple have spoken. Probe us to keep us safe.

Dr_pangloss November 27, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Yeah it is getting to look like America shot its load with beating the Nazis. Its been all down hill since then. Thankfully we have a small but willing group of brown people to keep America's Military Industrial Complex running for decades and the fat stupid public stoned on fear and meth for twice as long. While the rivers rise and our houses burn, our military might we still be able to blow the fuck out of "the evil doers" till we're all dead.

snapfinger23 November 27, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Thanks for this nation of easily frightened nansy pansies, who will predictably react to any minor threat by mobilizing its military for an invasion or bombing campaign, and quickly give up basic rights to privacy, liberty and civil justice.

tribbzthesquidz November 27, 2010 at 3:22 pm

I haven't talked to my folks in a couple months. They really can't, won't, and don't stop with the attempted Xian culture war indoctrination of my offspring. Just got my 6 year old to stop giving himself a Sharpie-Stigmata which he picked up from the last visit. I heard my 10 year old say "jungle music" the other day. We needz to move moar fartherer away.
My elders are really stuck on this phony hillbilly homesteader bullshit. It's a sweepin' the nayshun. They have their own genre of music, their own cable station(s), and half the fucking FM dial.

user-of-owls November 26, 2010 at 2:15 pm

No, most of us hated kids like you. Tell Breit we said hi!

DoktorZoom November 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Hah! That's what I forgot! "Thanks for trolls! I love the crunchy sounds they make underfoot!"

V572625694 November 26, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Hate Thanksgiving?

I was lucky enough to grow up in a loving family in the traditional Mom-Dad-Bud-Sis-Princess mode; my grandparents and aunts and uncles all lived in the same city or its nearby suburbs, and our Xgiving dinners were fun, just the usual stuff. The thing that makes me, and maybe some of my fellow Wonketteers, angry about the holiday now is that Republican policies of subsidies to the oil/auto/concrete/homebuilding lobbies and deregulation of the banking that financed all this have made that sort of life much harder to attain except for the shrinking number of Riches, who guard their redoubt with low taxes on themselves and angry denunciations of any suggested change as "socialist" or "un-American."

So now the heirs of those policies are trapped in houses they can't afford, situated in unsustainable exurbs linked by roads jammed with SUVs guzzling $3.50/ga gas. They were driven far from their root families and home cities by a systematic policy of deindustrialization that characterized unionized workers as thieves and diminished the value of their work with unbalanced low tariffs on Japanese cars and cheap Chinese crap sold at WalMart. (It's funny how you hear people complain that because some unions were corrupt, they should all be outlawed. No one says that about banks.)

So I don't know about you, pauletteanne — but I hope you had as nice a Thanksgiving as I did, despite my good-natured mockery of friends above. I'm one of the fortunate ones, even if far from my original home. I'm thankful, but not unaware that my good fortune comes at a cost.

//TruckNutz!

glamourdammerung November 26, 2010 at 2:58 pm

If we were really discontent with our lives, we would feebly troll websites and pretend that being the proverbial turd in the punchbowl was somehow a valid political stance.

Rotundo_ November 26, 2010 at 4:00 pm

No. I really enjoyed the various in-laws and folks that were a part of thanksgiving: I had many reasons to be thankful then and now. I love a good turkey dinner and the soups and sandwiches after the big meal. I don't care much for half-wits who barge into the holidays howling about how the pilgrims were socialists and the indians were con men and self righteous jerkoffs trolling. The efforts of the wealthy to grab more wealth and the gullible idiots that mainline their horseshit propagandists in talk radio and Faux are what is sending this country down the proverbial shitter. Are you thankful you're supporting this?
Hugs 'n' kisses on this fine black Friday,
Rotundo

user-of-owls November 26, 2010 at 2:26 pm

I wasn't sure if it was covered under the "Thanks for the finks" umbrella, but better safe than sorry.

trampndirtdown November 26, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Preach it! brother/sister

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