profiles in horror

The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey

On a grim November day just two years ago, the recently defeated GOP candidate for vice president pardoned a turkey. And because she had yet to quit the only real job she ever had — governor of Alaska — she didn’t have all these private jets at her service, so she did the “normal for the Palins” thing and just stopped by the abattoir on the way to Taco Bell. And then, as Sarah “pardoned” a turkey, other turkeys were shoved into the industrial maw of the slaughterhouse, in full view of the news cameras. Never Forget.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. Rarian Rakista

      The North Korean one is my new favorite, 4chan is trying to turn it into a meme, I saw some pics of her in communist regalia last night on there. I'm thinking of autotuning it.

    2. kenlayisalive

      I still love when she asks anti-Palin lady in Alaska what she does – the lady says she's a teacher and Sarah Palin looks at Bristol and rolls her eyes. Rolls her eyes! Because she's a teacher! This country is just like so fucked it is unbelievable.

    1. UW8316154

      Me, too! This is my third year of getting loaded and spending the holidays with the people I love on wonkett! Waaaaay fucking better than my family…

        1. Not_So_Much

          Oh, that warmed my shriveled, dead heart right up on this holiday of calories. Well played Sir. Well played indeed.

  1. LionelHutzEsq

    Out, damned spot! out, I say!—One: two: why,
    then, 'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky!—Fie, my
    lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we
    fear who knows it, when none can call our power
    to account?—Yet who would have thought the old
    turkey to have had so much blood in him?

    The turkey had a wife; where is she now?—
    What, will these hands ne'er be clean?—No more o'
    that, my lord, no more o' that: you mar all with
    this starting.

    Here's the smell of the blood still. All the
    perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this
    little hand. O, O, O!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Uh-oh — that means there's gonna be another little Palin by the time the flight gets back to Alaska.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            "Dancing Queen" just reminds me of my self-inflicted non-fucking on New Year's Eve 2009. (So, that means, the one year anniversary is approaching. FML.) Totally had this Polish-American third-grade teacher eating from my palm — not literally (though I've done that, nine years ago, when the Packers played the Jaguars on Monday Nite (long story, & related to my Domino's means erection story)) — & I gave up the goose.

          2. HistoriCat

            I'm not sure what "self-inflicted non-fucking" means but it definitely sounds emotionally painful, if not physically painful.

      1. Negropolis

        It's funny 'cause it's true. Actually, that makes me kind of sad. Anna Nicole Smith was a better mother than Palin.

  2. ttommyunger

    She's probably through with dinner now and in the midst of giving Todd his Holiday Poke through the hole in the sheet. Good times!

  3. DahBoner


    Well, at least Palin ain't a tranny giving free breast exams in nightclubs in Idaho.

    That's the best thing I can say about her…

    1. DoktorZoom

      See, this is what I get for getting all my news from NPR. This happened here in Boise and I had no idea it was a thing.

      EDIT: OK, NPR and Our Wonkette.

  4. 4TheTurnstiles

    This is what "restoring honor" looks like.

    This is the hypothetical leadership of a nation that "today begins to turn back to God."

    Knowledge is ignorance, war is peace, &c. We've always been at war with Islam <wink>.

    1. DoktorZoom

      If you want a picture of the future, imagine a turkey being stuffed upside down into a decapitation machine— forever.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Leave it to Palin to start a new Thanksgiving tradition.

    "Hey kids! It's live turkey hopper decapitation time! Yay!"

    1. EdFlintstone

      And kids, after we're done chopping heads off and bleeding out the turkeys, everyone gets to club a live halibut!!!!!

    2. EdFlintstone

      And kids, after we're done chopping heads off and bleeding out the turkeys, everyone gets to club a live halibut!!!!!

  6. Neilist

    Dan Quayle deeply resents that remark.

    Steverino, we recognize that you are upset. But there are lines that one Just Doesn't Cross In Polite Discourse.

    But seeing as how this is Wonkette . . . well, fuck it.

    Emily Post Endowed Chair
    Wonkette University of Manners & Small Arms

      1. Neilist

        To be candid: I don't know enough about Ben Quayle to opine.

        I can truthfully say, however, that immediately after Palin-Drone was nominated, I emailed a friend/client who is one of the On-Air Democrat Judas Goats on Faux News, "Dear God, we've nominated Dan Quayle in a dress!"

        She responded with concern that the Dems had to be "careful about attacking Palin, because she was female, etc."

        I responded: "Give her a week or 10 days, and it will be All Over."

        I hate being right all the time. But then, someone has to be.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Dan Quayle is just jealous that he didn't get the whole "all my wardrobe, cosmetics, luggage, and assorted manservants are to be considered as in-kind donations from GOP leaders" stipulation written in to his Veep contract.

      He's also pissed that he can't fit into a size 6 8 12 anymore (but not that Sarah could either).

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Now it's really Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that as dumb as the American populace is, they're not yet elect-Sarah-Palin dumb.
    Thank you Wonkette, and happy Thanksgiving everybody.

  8. Neilist

    You Liberal Communist Pink SKUM are wrong again.

    After listening to Palin talk for 10 minutes, that turkey committed suicide. "Uncle Tom" voluntarily shoved his neck under the knife. Anything, ANYTHING to cut off the sound of That Voice.

    Too bad the tape ended early. The camera crew missed the guy doing the same thing, after puncturing both eardrums with a boning knife.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I'm an optimist–this guy works in an agri-indrustrial plant, and so there is at least a slim chance that he was wearing ear protection. The Palin-drone would have simply sounded like another screeching machine, and I'd like to believe that the worst that happened was that he simply wrote up a repair order that turned out to be unneeded.

      1. Neilist

        OSHA reports that the "Palin-Drone" has both an aural component, and a psychological/psychic element.

        The latter is sort of like long-wavelength radiation. It's hard to detect, but after lengthy exposure you suddenly want to put your head under a punch-press to stop the pain.

        Chief Inspector
        Wonkette Office of Industrial & Firearms Safety
        "Guns in the Workplace Don't Kill People. Hot, Rapidly Moving Small Pieces of Copper-Jacketed Lead, Fired By The Disgruntled Line Worker You Just Fired, Kill People."

  9. metamarcisf

    "You might want to consider getting the kids out of the room"; don't worry. by the way, the guy in the background? Her running mate in 2012?

  10. barkingspiders

    I once, in another guise and on the other site, advocated that old man McSame be fed into a wood chipper feet first for what he unleashed upon an unsuspecting planet. In retrospect I would only suggest the addition of a proper galvanized blood lubricated turkey funnel for efficiencies sake. And a cauterizing high temp propane fueled wand down the grifters throat. I don’t know what to say about that family, it gives me the shudders!

    Cranberry anyone?

    1. Negropolis

      I liked the qualifying sentence at the end. Yes, unless she becomes president, indeed. Then, this won't be "The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey" rather "The Day the Laughter Died."

  11. notreelyhelping

    Makes a great double-feature with the traditional Wonkette Burroughs video; was there ever a moment when the true character of a candidate was stripped away? *kissing the fingertips* Beautiful.

    1. Neilist

      I like the way you think, Z-Man.

      But personally, I wouldn't fuck in her the ass with Todd's "snow machine."

  12. PuckStopsHere

    Goddamn, this is funny stuff. (And I know from funny. I spent my day at the Detroit Lions game). Don't you people ever take a day off?

  13. Plowmon

    WTF!?! At least Mr. Green Jeans back there looked like he was having fun, maybe this will be a new genre of porn, kinda like 'crush vids' for serious wing-nuts…

  14. Gorillionaire

    This is a woman who personally testified in court to send a kid to jail for hacking into her dumb (and illegal) Yahoo! mail account.

  15. Rotundo_

    Never has a candidates' character and intellect been so completely captured by a few minutes of video: She never had a clue (even with prompting from the folks filming) and even after being aware of what was going on behind her, that this wouldn't reflect well on her. This was the moment that the alarms went off for me, that she wasn't just stupid, but crazy stupid. Nutty as a squirrel turd stupid. Crazy as a shithouse rat stupid.

    1. Negropolis

      He ended up on the table of a nice, white, "Real American" family, of course. Paint this, Rockwell. Paint it with a pretty brush.

      Yea, even Norman Rockwell couldn't make this broad classy. Nay, not in a million years and a million buckets.

  16. SushOrDie

    Not "Dan Quayle in a dress" at all: to be brief, she's no Dan Quayle. She's more like his idiot son, the teabagger. All in all, she's most like Lester Maddox in massively toe-displaying bicycle shorts — and remember, ole Lester was a nifty bicyclist in his day.

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