PROFILES IN HORROR  1:05 pm November 25, 2010

The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey

by Ken Layne


On a grim November day just two years ago, the recently defeated GOP candidate for vice president pardoned a turkey. And because she had yet to quit the only real job she ever had — governor of Alaska — she didn’t have all these private jets at her service, so she did the “normal for the Palins” thing and just stopped by the abattoir on the way to Taco Bell. And then, as Sarah “pardoned” a turkey, other turkeys were shoved into the industrial maw of the slaughterhouse, in full view of the news cameras. Never Forget.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 85 comments }

tbogg November 25, 2010 at 1:15 pm

The Halloween one where they shoved a Trick or Treater into a woodchipper was also disturbing too.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:36 pm

Were they filled with candy?

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 1:15 pm

who are trick and treater? two more of the palin spawn?

nounverb911 November 25, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Is Levi currently pardoned or unpardoned?

zhubajie November 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Faded or un-faded?

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 25, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Acid-washed. Or Oxycontin, anyway.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:51 am

All of them, Katie.

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2010 at 1:29 pm

If there is one clip that perfectly captures the stupid and clueless that is Sarah Palin it is is this one.

ttommyunger November 25, 2010 at 1:44 pm

That is a lot of stupid and clueless; are you sure about that?

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:38 pm

The North Korean one is my new favorite, 4chan is trying to turn it into a meme, I saw some pics of her in communist regalia last night on there. I'm thinking of autotuning it.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:52 am

Please do. And, if you can find the pictures, link us.

kenlayisalive November 26, 2010 at 12:31 am

I still love when she asks anti-Palin lady in Alaska what she does – the lady says she's a teacher and Sarah Palin looks at Bristol and rolls her eyes. Rolls her eyes! Because she's a teacher! This country is just like so fucked it is unbelievable.

the_problem_child November 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

I love Wonkette holiday internet traditions.

UW8316154 November 25, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Me, too! This is my third year of getting loaded and spending the holidays with the people I love on wonkett! Waaaaay fucking better than my family…

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Of course, it could have been worse. Imagine a turkey pardoning with Senile Puppet Preznit Walnuts and Snow Princess of US America Palin.

ttommyunger November 25, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Pardon? Senator Crankypants? He would personally bite that motherfucker's head off.

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Naw. If Walnuts history holds true, He'd crash into it.

Not_So_Much November 25, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Oh, that warmed my shriveled, dead heart right up on this holiday of calories. Well played Sir. Well played indeed.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:53 am

Zing!

In fact, he'd crash into it multipe times for good measure.

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Out, damned spot! out, I say!—One: two: why,
then, 'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky!—Fie, my
lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we
fear who knows it, when none can call our power
to account?—Yet who would have thought the old
turkey to have had so much blood in him?

The turkey had a wife; where is she now?—
What, will these hands ne'er be clean?—No more o'
that, my lord, no more o' that: you mar all with
this starting.

Here's the smell of the blood still. All the
perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this
little hand. O, O, O!

rocktonsam November 25, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Is $arah spending thanksgiving at Fox today or with her other family?

mavenmaven November 25, 2010 at 2:00 pm

in arizona with her fellow neo-fascists

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Uh-oh — that means there's gonna be another little Palin by the time the flight gets back to Alaska.

elviouslyqueer November 25, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Oh goody. I wondered what was Willow's due date.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Every time I think of Republicans having sex lately I think of ABBA playing in the background. What is wrong with me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REElUors1pQ

horsedreamer_1 November 25, 2010 at 11:41 pm

"Dancing Queen" just reminds me of my self-inflicted non-fucking on New Year's Eve 2009. (So, that means, the one year anniversary is approaching. FML.) Totally had this Polish-American third-grade teacher eating from my palm — not literally (though I've done that, nine years ago, when the Packers played the Jaguars on Monday Nite (long story, & related to my Domino's means erection story)) — & I gave up the goose.

PsycWench November 25, 2010 at 10:53 pm

No, she's celebrating with our allies in North Korea.

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 11:34 pm

I assume she spends it with the family that pays her the most to be there.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:55 am

It's funny 'cause it's true. Actually, that makes me kind of sad. Anna Nicole Smith was a better mother than Palin.

ttommyunger November 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Well said, Steve, well said.

SexySmurf November 25, 2010 at 1:44 pm

They should have blurred out her face.

revmod November 25, 2010 at 1:54 pm

And yet they claim to have blurred out "the goriest parts." How do you blur out her voice?

ttommyunger November 25, 2010 at 1:48 pm

She's probably through with dinner now and in the midst of giving Todd his Holiday Poke through the hole in the sheet. Good times!

DahBoner November 25, 2010 at 1:59 pm

THE IF YA CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE DEPARTMENT:

Well, at least Palin ain't a tranny giving free breast exams in nightclubs in Idaho.

That's the best thing I can say about her…

DoktorZoom November 25, 2010 at 2:45 pm

See, this is what I get for getting all my news from NPR. This happened here in Boise and I had no idea it was a thing.

EDIT: OK, NPR and Our Wonkette.

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 11:35 pm

Do you have proof that you can say that about her?

mavenmaven November 25, 2010 at 2:01 pm

We should view this video as a metaphor for our future.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 25, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Optimist.

hooray4anything November 25, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Future?

elviouslyqueer November 25, 2010 at 7:36 pm

Metaphor?

4TheTurnstiles November 25, 2010 at 2:09 pm

This is what "restoring honor" looks like.

This is the hypothetical leadership of a nation that "today begins to turn back to God."

Knowledge is ignorance, war is peace, &c. We've always been at war with Islam <wink>.

DoktorZoom November 25, 2010 at 2:55 pm

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a turkey being stuffed upside down into a decapitation machine— forever.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 25, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Leave it to Palin to start a new Thanksgiving tradition.

"Hey kids! It's live turkey hopper decapitation time! Yay!"

EdFlintstone November 25, 2010 at 2:29 pm

And kids, after we're done chopping heads off and bleeding out the turkeys, everyone gets to club a live halibut!!!!!

EdFlintstone November 25, 2010 at 2:45 pm

And kids, after we're done chopping heads off and bleeding out the turkeys, everyone gets to club a live halibut!!!!!

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 11:36 pm

It's actually not new. It is an old North Korean tradition.

EdFlintstone November 25, 2010 at 2:19 pm

C'mon now, who doesn't enjoy a "fun" day at the turkey slaughterhouse.

Neilist November 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Dan Quayle deeply resents that remark.

Steverino, we recognize that you are upset. But there are lines that one Just Doesn't Cross In Polite Discourse.

But seeing as how this is Wonkette . . . well, fuck it.

Neilist
Emily Post Endowed Chair
Wonkette University of Manners & Small Arms

zhubajie November 25, 2010 at 5:47 pm

What about Ben Quayle, Dan's dumber son?

Neilist November 25, 2010 at 10:30 pm

To be candid: I don't know enough about Ben Quayle to opine.

I can truthfully say, however, that immediately after Palin-Drone was nominated, I emailed a friend/client who is one of the On-Air Democrat Judas Goats on Faux News, "Dear God, we've nominated Dan Quayle in a dress!"

She responded with concern that the Dems had to be "careful about attacking Palin, because she was female, etc."

I responded: "Give her a week or 10 days, and it will be All Over."

I hate being right all the time. But then, someone has to be.

elviouslyqueer November 25, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Dan Quayle is just jealous that he didn't get the whole "all my wardrobe, cosmetics, luggage, and assorted manservants are to be considered as in-kind donations from GOP leaders" stipulation written in to his Veep contract.

He's also pissed that he can't fit into a size 6 8 12 anymore (but not that Sarah could either).

BarackMyWorld November 25, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Can you believe she gave up all that power?

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Now it's really Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that as dumb as the American populace is, they're not yet elect-Sarah-Palin dumb.
Thank you Wonkette, and happy Thanksgiving everybody.

weejee November 25, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Is this what they call necking in Wasilla?

Neilist November 25, 2010 at 2:27 pm

You Liberal Communist Pink SKUM are wrong again.

After listening to Palin talk for 10 minutes, that turkey committed suicide. "Uncle Tom" voluntarily shoved his neck under the knife. Anything, ANYTHING to cut off the sound of That Voice.

Too bad the tape ended early. The camera crew missed the guy doing the same thing, after puncturing both eardrums with a boning knife.

DoktorZoom November 25, 2010 at 2:52 pm

I'm an optimist–this guy works in an agri-indrustrial plant, and so there is at least a slim chance that he was wearing ear protection. The Palin-drone would have simply sounded like another screeching machine, and I'd like to believe that the worst that happened was that he simply wrote up a repair order that turned out to be unneeded.

Neilist November 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

OSHA reports that the "Palin-Drone" has both an aural component, and a psychological/psychic element.

The latter is sort of like long-wavelength radiation. It's hard to detect, but after lengthy exposure you suddenly want to put your head under a punch-press to stop the pain.

Neilist
Chief Inspector
Wonkette Office of Industrial & Firearms Safety
"Guns in the Workplace Don't Kill People. Hot, Rapidly Moving Small Pieces of Copper-Jacketed Lead, Fired By The Disgruntled Line Worker You Just Fired, Kill People."

metamarcisf November 25, 2010 at 2:29 pm

"You might want to consider getting the kids out of the room"; don't worry. by the way, the guy in the background? Her running mate in 2012?

UW8316154 November 25, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Willow's baby-daddy…

kenlayisalive November 26, 2010 at 12:35 am

Joe the unlicensed turkey decapitator.

barkingspiders November 25, 2010 at 2:31 pm

I once, in another guise and on the other site, advocated that old man McSame be fed into a wood chipper feet first for what he unleashed upon an unsuspecting planet. In retrospect I would only suggest the addition of a proper galvanized blood lubricated turkey funnel for efficiencies sake. And a cauterizing high temp propane fueled wand down the grifters throat. I don’t know what to say about that family, it gives me the shudders!

Cranberry anyone?

BTWBFDIMHO November 25, 2010 at 2:36 pm

That's when she started her adult conversation about the Family, the Faith, and the Fowls.

hooray4anything November 25, 2010 at 2:46 pm

This video will never be not funny. Unless she becomes President.

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 11:38 pm

And then it will be sadly prescient.

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:59 am

I liked the qualifying sentence at the end. Yes, unless she becomes president, indeed. Then, this won't be "The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey" rather "The Day the Laughter Died."

Wadisay November 25, 2010 at 3:43 pm

This clip is The Battleship Potemkin of making an ass of yourself.

notreelyhelping November 25, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Makes a great double-feature with the traditional Wonkette Burroughs video; was there ever a moment when the true character of a candidate was stripped away? *kissing the fingertips* Beautiful.

zhubajie November 25, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Fuck her in the ass while wearing earmuffs! That way you need not see her face or hear her voice.

Neilist November 25, 2010 at 10:33 pm

I like the way you think, Z-Man.

But personally, I wouldn't fuck in her the ass with Todd's "snow machine."

iburl November 25, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Barbara Bush is saving her leftovers in a mason jar right now.

Rarian Rakista November 25, 2010 at 7:35 pm

When I get home I'm so going to eat some spaghetti in the bath.

PuckStopsHere November 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm

Goddamn, this is funny stuff. (And I know from funny. I spent my day at the Detroit Lions game). Don't you people ever take a day off?

Plowmon November 25, 2010 at 9:54 pm

WTF!?! At least Mr. Green Jeans back there looked like he was having fun, maybe this will be a new genre of porn, kinda like 'crush vids' for serious wing-nuts…

LionelHutzEsq November 25, 2010 at 11:39 pm

I just assumed he was picturing Sarah Palin's head on the turkey's body.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP November 26, 2010 at 7:59 am

Palin is a very saavy politician. She's viral. And darn it, that's what we want in a leader.

FNMA November 26, 2010 at 10:31 am

Viral? So's syphilis.

Gorillionaire November 26, 2010 at 10:05 am

This is a woman who personally testified in court to send a kid to jail for hacking into her dumb (and illegal) Yahoo! mail account.

jim89048 November 26, 2010 at 10:11 am

Director's cut maybe, or just from the laugh track?

Rotundo_ November 26, 2010 at 11:33 am

Never has a candidates' character and intellect been so completely captured by a few minutes of video: She never had a clue (even with prompting from the folks filming) and even after being aware of what was going on behind her, that this wouldn't reflect well on her. This was the moment that the alarms went off for me, that she wasn't just stupid, but crazy stupid. Nutty as a squirrel turd stupid. Crazy as a shithouse rat stupid.

slappypaddy November 26, 2010 at 12:18 pm

i can picture her waiting tables in a truckstop. i do believe she has missed her calling.

102415 November 26, 2010 at 8:57 pm

So what ever did eventually happen to that *pardoned* turkey?

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 9:33 pm

He ended up on the table of a nice, white, "Real American" family, of course. Paint this, Rockwell. Paint it with a pretty brush.

Yea, even Norman Rockwell couldn't make this broad classy. Nay, not in a million years and a million buckets.

SushOrDie November 27, 2010 at 6:53 am

Not "Dan Quayle in a dress" at all: to be brief, she's no Dan Quayle. She's more like his idiot son, the teabagger. All in all, she's most like Lester Maddox in massively toe-displaying bicycle shorts — and remember, ole Lester was a nifty bicyclist in his day.

Rosie_Scenario November 29, 2010 at 10:40 am

He changed his name to Joe Miller. Alas, fate was not kind. Also.

HistoriCat November 26, 2010 at 12:38 pm

I'm not sure what "self-inflicted non-fucking" means but it definitely sounds emotionally painful, if not physically painful.

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