cooking with wonkette

Official Wonkette Thanksgiving Recipe Comment Post

Sorry we didn’t do this yesterday — we were at Disneyland, haha, just like that pardoned presidential turkey — but as it’s still only 10:30 in the morning on the East Coast and 7:30 a.m. on the West Coast, we’ll make the wild assumption that you’re all not up and cooking already. (Many of you will not be “up and cooking” all day long, and for this we either toast you or weep for you, depending on the reasons for your particular circumstance.)

ANYWAY, we have combed through the vile jokes in this wonderful old Wonkette comments collection of Wonkette Commenter Thanksgiving Recipes, and here are some of the actual good recipes. Add your own, etc.! Happy Indian Syphilis Day!

CivicHoliday November 26, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Ok, fer serious, this is a simply yummy fruit dish:

6 oz lemon yogurt
1/2 cup slivered almonds, toasted
1 green apple, diced
1 red apple, diced
2 pears, diced
1 cup seedless grapes, halved
2 tbs orange juice
1 tsp lemon juice
dash of orange zest

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(mix and enjoy!)

P.S. That poor turkey has to give the prez a bj for his pardon. That’s how we do it in ‘murica, bitches

american mutt November 26, 2008 at 12:50 pm

vegetarian, green, enchiladas:

corn tortillas
green sauce (tomatillos, garlic, onion, green peppers)
olive oil
potatoes
a crumbly mexican (or plan feta cheese)
onions

1. boil potatoes
2. dice onions
3. dice potatoes
4. crumble cheese
5. mix potatoes, onions, cheese in bowl
6. have green sauce prepared
7. warm oil in pan
8. green sauce on low in something
9. lightly cook corn tortillas in oil till they are lightly toasted
10. dip in green sauce – let sit for 30 seconds
11. place tortilla in baking dish
12. put potato, cheese, onion stuff in tortilla
13. fold tortilla
14. repeat
15. crumble cheese on top of unbaked enchiladas
16. bake items in oven on 375 for 20mins.
17. enjoy
18. why did i go through all this trouble to post a recipe on wonkette?

populucious November 26, 2008 at 1:04 pm

The only drink you will need. It has fruit in it, so it’s healthy, and it has gin in it, so you wont remember anything:

Mother’s Ruin Punch
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup chilled club soda
1 1/2 cups gin
1 1/2 cups Fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, plus slices for garnish
3/4 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
3/4 cup sweet vermouth
2 1/4 cup Champagne or sparkling wine
Ice

In a picher, dissolve sugar into club soda. Add the gin & juice (with your mind on your money and your money on your mind) and the sweet vermouth. Refrigerate for about an hour. Either put the chilled gin & juice in a punch bowl and add the champagne, or pour gin & juice into glasses and top off with the champagne. Or, you know, drink the gin & juice straight from the picher and then finish by slamming a bottle of champagne. Whatever works best to deaden the sound of your mother’s bitter tears.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!!

Ken Layne November 26, 2008 at 1:09 pm

Here are some recipes from your editor, as told to SK Smith in our secret Wonkette editorial chat thing:

“Oh here is a vegetemable dish to please yr friends, Sara: Go to the farmer’s market (or whatev store has good organic greens) and get a bunch of handsome Brussels Sprouts, and you paint these fuckers up heavy with olive oil, and you BROIL them until the outer buddies get nearly black and crispy. The insides get all perfect.

(with none of the BITTERZ that people sometimes don’t like)

and a bunch of rock salt. They are very tasty. If they’re too big, cut ‘em in half and put them cut-side up to the flame.”

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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28 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    And for my next trick, I am going to Reno's Little Nugget Casino, where I will proceed to stuff an Awful Awful Burger down my gullet. It's no K-lo shit, but it will have to do.

  2. PresBeeblebrox

    Today, I thank God for the right & freedom the Founding Fathers of "xceptionalNation" gave us to stuff ourselves full of corn syrup (er, I mean "corn sugar") and partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil and FD&C Blue No. 2 so that half of us can become diabetics in ten years. To hell with the Obamars and their nutrition kick! This message brought to you by Big Insulin.

    (Sorry, too many 9.5% beers before turkey.)
    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Diabetes/diabetes-ha

  3. x111e7thst

    Pound Cake
    Ingredients:

    1 pound cake flour
    1 pound butter
    1 pound sugar
    1 pound eggs (9 large)
    Shot of brandy

    Preheat oven to 300°F . Line three bread loaf pans with waxed paper.
    Cream butter l, add sugar and cream until light and fluffy.
    Add eggs, two at a time, and beat well after each addition. Add flavoring.
    Add flour gradually and beat until smooth.
    Pour mixture into pans and bake about 1 hour and 15 minutes.

    I serve this to the revolutionary war recreationists who live down the lane and visit me every ThanksGobble. They drink up all my good liquor and are not particularly grateful. The pound cake is a way of getting even,

  4. Steverino247

    No, it was the Spaniards who were into the whole syphilis distribution thing (remember, they had Catholic priests with them). The Pilgrims were so sexually repressed, I'm surprised they reproduced at all.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Everything in their lives tried to get them to repress their sexual urges, but when you see a sexy, sexy, hat buckle – well, you can't stop nature.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The recipe turned out pretty good — the only point I'd try to improve would be to find some way to keep the cashews a little more crunchy. But aside from that it has a great having-been-in-a-turkey classic taste helped out by the texture of the mushrooms. Also, the recipe doesn't specify what kind of bread or what kind of mushrooms, but I used italian bread and regular white mushrooms — and I'd probably experiment with the shrooms — as usual — if I were to make it again. Which I might real soon.

      1. trampndirtdown

        I was thinking Porcini (sic) mushrooms would be good. No thoughts on firm cashews… toast them maybe?

        Roasted cashews idiot.

  5. sati_demise

    Butternut squash inaugural dish: (but good for Thanksgiving too)

    Cut butternut squash in half and roast in 350 oven until soft.
    Smash squash with a golden curry powder- tablespoon or so depending on squash size or to taste.

    The night before, empty a can of whole fat coconut milk into a glass jar and refrigerate overnight. Then shake jar so coconut milk becomes very thick. Pour on top of curried squash. Sprinkle with bee pollen. Garnish with fresh chopped cilantro and a squeeze of lemon.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  6. zhubajie

    Well, it's Friday in Kunming, but last night I ate at a local pseudo-American restaurant, The Wicker Basket. I had turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and several trips to the salad bar. All these things are rare in most of China.

  7. Rarian Rakista

    Pumpkin Snickerdoodle Cookies

    from my recipe page at http://www.grouprecipes.com/93047/pumpkin-snicker

    Pumpkin Cookies made with that old can of pumpkin that has been in your pantry for a year or two.

    1/2 cup butter, softened
    2 tablespoons oil, grapeseed works
    3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
    1/4 cup white refined sugar
    1 large egg
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1 cup canned or fresh pumpkin puree
    2-2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
    1 teaspoon baking powder
    1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
    1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
    1/4 teaspoon ground clove
    1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

    Preheat oven to 350°F and grease cookie sheets with real butter.
    In a bowl, with an electric mixer at medium speed, cream together butter with brown sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Beat in pumpkin purée.
    In another bowl, combine flour, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda, salt, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves. Add to butter mixture and beat well to combine.
    In yet another bowl, mix sugar with pumpkin pie spice and set aside.
    Drop by tablespoonfuls onto prepared sheets. Bake about 18 minutes, until set, not browned. Top with pumpkin pie spice sugar mixture while still hot. Transfer to racks to cool.

  8. kenlayisalive

    This is just some Brooklyn bullshit – mixing just being a plain old Puglia-Guinea, plus being a salad cook at trendy hipster restaurant in Williamsburg, BK:

    1. Sausage and Fennel Salad

    2 bulbs of fennel
    6 links of italian sausage
    Juice from a lemon or two
    olive oil
    parmesan cheese
    salt/pepper
    hot red pepper flakes

    cut up and cook the sausage (maybe boil it first, then broil, or put in the oven on low heat for a good while or just sautee it)

    cut up the fennel – against the stalk.
    put everything in a bowl
    mix together

    weird but everyone loves it or is lying to me.

  9. doxastic

    I'm jumping in late, but the pie turned out so well I thought I'd pass on the recipe. I've made a bunch of pumpkin pies, but this year I used the Joy of Baking recipe (with a few tweaks), and it was great.

    I'll just list the changes here: for the pate brisee dough, rather than use only butter, I like to use a half shortening/half butter mix to get the right balance of butter taste and shortening flakiness. Add about a half-pinch of salt over and above what the recipe calls for–just a smidge more…

    The filling mix is lacking spices–add some nutmeg, allspice and (if you have it) cardamom to the ginger, cloves and cinnamon. 1/8-1/4 teaspoon each, depending on taste.

    Finally, rather than use a maple syrup whipped cream, I added a tablespoon of maple syrup to the filling mix and whipped the cream with a jigger of bourbon.

    I like to bake my pies on the oven rack as low as it will go. This caramelizes some of the sugars in the crust dough at the bottom of the pie. Just make sure not to burn it.

    And I didn't have any crust cut-out ridiculousness because that shit is ridiculous.

    1. uncuntstitutional

      I always bake my pies (and everything else) on a pizza stone that lives in my oven. improves conduction and evenness.

      loved all your other tips too. especially the bourbon whipped cream. I use that on french toast with grilled fruit (learned from the most popular brunch dish at the restaurant I slaved in during college)

Comments are closed.