NATION OF TURKEYS  9:29 am November 25, 2010

White House Turkey Trot: A Children’s Treasury of Dumb Tradition

by Ken Layne

Happy Poultry Lobbyist Day, Harry!On this Thanksgiving Morning/Mourning, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — of course Barack Obama looked like an idiot pretending to care about that dumb bird headed to Disneyland. (This is exactly why Obama seems so bored dealing with unemployed/destroyed people; he thinks they are turkeys, too.) Anyway, here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the General Motors Bailout of 1947.

You don't want to know what LBJ did to that dead bird.Obviously faked, this photo of JFK’s 1963 pardoning of the bird allegedly took place just four days before he was assassinated by the CIA. Note that only a lone turkey is shown; presidents are always presented with two live turkeys, “just in case something goes wrong.”

That turkey's got a hidden mic up his butt! Nixon’s own pardon would come soon enough.

Whip Inflation Now, turkey!America was outraged by yet another shocking pardon by Gerald Ford, who is pictured here being only vaguely aware he’s president, like always.

Come look, mommy, it's a big scary bird!Say what you will about Reagan, but this was obviously the high point of his year.

Bow to me, goddamned bird.But once the Bush Dynasty had formally taken power, the childlike glee was forever gone. Now the weeping turkey cowered and bowed before GHWB, pledging all the Saudi and Kuwaiti oil fields in exchange for clemency.

Depends what you mean by 'pardon.'“You know, Jesse Jackson won South Carolina, too. What? Oh I hereby pardon this turkey and Marc Rich.”

Have you seen Dignity?Can you believe 2008 was George Bush Junior’s last Thanksgiving in the White House? Good-bye, George! Thanks for, uhh, fucking up the whole world forever, you turkey.

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Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate November 25, 2010 at 11:06 am

A Haiku for you US Americans and your wrong dated Thanksgiving

Proud puffy turkey
Pea brained bird shows who's smarter
Head butt's W's Crotch

x111e7thst November 25, 2010 at 11:11 am

That's not a head butt, it's the best blow job the Shrub ever got.

OneDollarJuana November 25, 2010 at 11:21 am

Happy endings for Bush and the Bird!

Monsieur_Grumpe November 25, 2010 at 11:49 am

It's called getting beak.

BruceLee5000 November 25, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Talk about a "Chicken Head!"

Texan_Bulldog November 25, 2010 at 11:11 am

That picture of W getting fellated by the turkey will never get old. Happy Thanksgiving Wonkette world!

memzilla November 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

Thank Jeebus that Shrub is out of the White House. I hear that Beelzebub is building a tenth circle of Hell just for his type of vapid, arrogant, willfully ignorant, pseudo-patrician Ivy League pretender and his hand-up-the-a** puppeteer Cheney. Hope y'all have the same exit strategy for that one that you used for two trumped-up wars, you mendacious piece of brain snarge. [ ]

Sue4466 November 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

At least when W pardoned the bird he didn't look like he had more important things on his mind. Now that's a sign of a competent leader.

Sue4466 November 25, 2010 at 11:14 am

At least when W pardoned the bird he didn't look like he had more important things–or well, anything–on his mind. And given how that all turned out, it's exactly what we want in a turkey pardoner.

OkieDokieDog November 25, 2010 at 11:20 am

8 photos and I spotted 3 women amongst all those old white guys. Women could cook that turkey AND run the government, while these dudes just stand around looking stupid waiting for someone to bring them a turkey samitch.

OneDollarJuana November 25, 2010 at 11:22 am

Hey, except for the first turkey, all those other turkeys are white! I thought we were over racism.

Sparky_McGruff November 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Everyone knows that the dark turkeys were convicted in a proper trial. Only white, republican turkeys face the terrible bias of our justice system. (Ref: Libby, Scooter and DeLay, Tom)

revmod November 25, 2010 at 11:22 am

I think those turkeys are looking fatter and fatter as the years pass. Are we sure they only get stuffed with anus burgers after they die?

OneDollarJuana November 25, 2010 at 1:07 pm

I think they feed them Double Downs from KFC. Not quite cannibalism, but close. Kinda like eating monkey meat. Or Southerners.

Lucidamente1 November 25, 2010 at 11:27 am

There's no picture of Eisenhower ("we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the poultry industrial complex").

Wadisay November 25, 2010 at 11:33 am

Back in Truman's day, the AEC used A-bomb tests to cook turkeys. Harry's bird looks like it was cooked standing up, one nano-second at 50,000 degrees.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 25, 2010 at 11:51 am

I'm taking notes. Harry's method sounds better than a thermite cooked turkey.

DahBoner November 25, 2010 at 11:48 am

You can tell W was thinking about Jeffie Gannon…

JackMioffer November 25, 2010 at 11:56 am

I'm thankful for alt-texts

UW8316154 November 25, 2010 at 11:58 am

Where is the one with President Palin? That gruesome turkey-death video will never get old.

elpinche November 25, 2010 at 12:08 pm


charlesdegoal November 25, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Where's Lydon Johnson? The story, as I remember it, was that he replaced the turkey with a goose. He ran into Ted Kennedy who asked "What are you doing with that turkey", to which Johnson is supposed to have replied "It's not a turkey, it's a goose", eliciting the famous "I was talking to the goose" from Kennedy.
That was when Democrats still had a sense of humor.

simplyblue7 November 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Awwww…look at that turkey try and do a pat down! It thinks it's TSA!

Sparky_McGruff November 25, 2010 at 12:17 pm

She just wants her country back. Those people are taking over, you know.

OC_Surf_Serf November 25, 2010 at 1:34 pm

fuck it…let's give them their 1948 back…its what they all want…so let's go back to:

-Tax rates for the rich/corporations at 85-90%
-A US Military the world is also proud of
-Detroit builds desirable automobiles and has 98% of the market.
-We travel without having to expose our woohoo.
-We actually loan/pass out cash to the world and have a trade surplus.
-We have high tariffs on imported crap.
-We have 70% of the US workforce members of a Union.
-The rich fucker who's name is on the building only makes 30X his lowest worker.

Sparky_McGruff November 25, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Sure, there's those things. But I think they miss the 1948 where the darkies stayed on the other side of the tracks, and you could comfortably take care of the uppity ones by having the sheriff come out with the dogs, or have an all-white jury put them away for lookin' at the white wimmen.

deanbooth November 25, 2010 at 12:53 pm

You know who else used Mr. Gobbles for propaganda?

Negropolis November 26, 2010 at 2:45 am


I was waiting for a "Mr. Gobbles" joke, and you delivered. Thank you.

ttommyunger November 25, 2010 at 12:58 pm

The caption reads President Ford, but I can't tell which one he is. Moar detailed captions, pleeze.

rocktonsam November 25, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I agree.
Since my daughter and her husband just had to have kids and overpopulate the world, we like to sit down on thanksgiving morning and watch the Macy's parade.
NBC's parade production is nothing more than ads,bad broadway productions, and Al ROKER,who gives a fuck about celebrities and Lauer and that really horny lady.
I hate the USA and it thanksgiving because being thankful ain't enough unless you buy something or suck the celebrities butthole.
I do like Snoopy and being drunk by 9:30 also.

frostbitefalls November 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm

and by the way fuck you Sally Quinn you envious bitch

sherriawilson November 25, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Wow, so that's the price W charged for pardons. If only the inmates in Texas and Scooter Libby had known.

weejee November 25, 2010 at 2:31 pm

No butts about it, Tom Delay is prayin' a Repube gets in the White House to give him a pardon on Turkey Day 2013

V572625694 November 25, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Carter hardly started any wars, and said we have to stop hogging more than our share of the world's stuff. Who wants to remember that? And his post presidential activities embarrass every other past president.

T_Party_Pickens November 25, 2010 at 10:29 pm

That turkey is simply welcoming Dubya as a liberator.

Plowmon November 26, 2010 at 2:28 pm


Plowmon November 26, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Oh, THAT guy! Here you go:

Amy's looking more retarded than usual…

slowhansolo November 27, 2010 at 1:18 am

A total hoot, appreciate the effort, but it's so unnecessary. That photo stands complete in all its glory. It transcends the season and ought to be posted daily somewhere just because.

And didn't he make that same face dancing with all those brown people, also?

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