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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hola wonkerados.

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106 comments

  1. OkieDokieDog

    I'm very leery of people who put the Godfather/Jebus/Ghostbusters ghost before country, freedom and family.

  2. BTWBFDIMHO

    Sure Jesus was really involved in that Thanxgibin' thing. Did He ever become a legal immigrant? /de end.

  3. obfuscator2

    if i owned an american flag and i lived in iowa, i'd fly that fucker at half mast tomorrow. fucking hell.

  4. boris3141

    I don't know why (maybe it's the bourbon?) but to me, the funniest part of this is that Chuck Grassley uses an application called UberTwitter.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    American exceptionalism — a constant reminder that people in power have absolutely no fucking idea that America's founding principles aren't that we're different from everybody else, but that we're expressly not. Happy Thanksgiving Chuck Grassley — maybe you'll choke on a turkey bone and the resultant Heimlich maneuver will dislodge that pig knuckle that's been obstructing the blood flow to your brain lo these many decades.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      We are exceptional, though – in our sense that we are in any way exceptional, which is why "old Europe" to use a Cheneyism, treats us like the "special" kids we are.

    2. sezme

      It's literally my dream for America (or 'xceptionalNation' if one prefers) to be brought to its knees within my lifetime. This could be accomplished with humility: a simple declaration and understanding that we are no better or worse, no more or less favoured by god than any other country, and I'd prefer it that way to avoid the suffering of innocents. But even if it does take an economic/military/world influence collapse, I do want it to happen. This is what it will take for USA-USA-USA to live up to its potential as a force of good in the world. This is my (American) thanksgiving prayer. Oh yeah, god damn America!

      1. JustPixelz

        technically, that's true! bible explicitly says "and" (in Hebrew, of course) in lists; like "jesus and family and friends and america". tweet-bible can't spare the chars. of course, tweet-bible would read something like "don't h8, b nice, u need each othr"

        1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

          I'm not sure of all the details, but it is my understanding that when God translated the bible from the original King James into Hebrew and Greek, punctuation, capitalization, and even separations between words and sentences were dropped (or "taken up"). They were combined into a book whose name and contents are incomprehensible to anyone but Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            I doubt that Palin has read the Bible, even! That would be rich, if somebody stumped her publicly on Bible knowledge–exposing that level of phoniness might even break the Fundie Reality Distortion Field for some people.

        2. DoktorZoom

          Pedantic Hand-waving: Of course, there's also the problem that there's really no such thing as a single original Greek/Hebrew text–it's all a collection of reproductions of other reproductions, and each scribe ran the risk of adding new variants (and there are numerous examples of scribes deliberately changing stuff to "improve" the text). See also Bart Ehrman's Misquoting Jesus and Jesus, Interrupted (Ha-ha! jesus interruptus!).

          1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

            Well, "Herr Doktor," your fancy "education" obviously did not teach you that God hid those textual variants and fragments in Qumran caves and wherever in order to confuse and tempt smarty-pants scholars. Just like dinosaur bones.

  6. Negropolis

    Actually, I thought "Jesus Family Friends America" (JFFA) has a nice ring to it.

    Jesus just gets every damn holiday, doesn't he? So, which holiday does J-Christ get dibs on, next.

      1. Negropolis

        No, J-Christ. It's best that he's a Jerse Shore Guido and not some half-way respectable pop singer.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Ha! Reminds me of this pre-production parody of "Last Temptation Of Christ" that I read in a magazine way back in the day, when Scorsese originally wanted DeNiro to play Jesus. One of the script directions was, "Jesus hitches up his robe and swaggers toward the sick."

  7. facehead

    This is just another example of Gotcha punctuationalism from Wonkette which is obviously in the pocket of Big Colon

    Jesus family friends America all stick together to form Twitter Voltron

    ,

    Kill Castro –
    . Anus Turkeyburger ;

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm pretty sure that the ESPN has copywritten "xceptionalNation."

    And wouldn't "U.S.A." have been easier and saved you a few characters?

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    And, yet, I feel safe knowing that Jack is on 24 hour virgile at some undisclosed location keeping a watch on this xceptionalNation for all of Wonkette Nation.

  10. Jukesgrrl

    Happy Thanksgiving to the Wonkerazzi. Wishing you all a giant step above Tucker Carlson's Swanson Frozen Turkey Dinner.

  11. Giveusabob

    Meh. Aaron McGruder had East St. Louis secede as 'Blackland,' and they had Jeebus on their flag too.

    Unless Grassley sells xceptionalNation stamps featuring a nekkid Justin Bieber, I'm not impressed.

  12. elpinche

    If I was a twittard:
    "Well i took an aroplane today and I didnt get fingerbanged (for free). Thx Jesus!"

    1. Negropolis

      I hear that Chief Massasoit was a total bad-ass on the Plymouh Plantation Half-pipe, but his girl was always nagging him about getting a real job.

  13. Numbat_Dundee

    “Jesus family friends”. Interesting phrase that. I like to think that it’s just an apostrophe thing and he meant “Jesus’s family’s friends”. Like Joseph’s drinking buddy and the lady who did Mary’s nails down at the Nazareth Mall.
    Jesus had a family and they must have had friends. They don’t get enough credit.
    Joseph’s drinking buddy would have comforted him when he told him how his wife never let him crack her cherry then gave birth and still declared she was a virgin.
    The lady at the mall kept Mary well groomed which is a consolation if your married to a drunk and bitter carpenter and you’ve had to give birth in a stable and yet you’ve got a gig posing for Michelangelo and want to look you best.
    Well done Chuck Grassley for recognising their efforts!

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Man – he nailed it!

    It's a great day when you can read articles about both The Hammer and The Nail on Wonkette.

    Happy Day of Catastrophe, my Native American brethern!

  15. neiltheblaze

    Grassley is for "Jesus Family Friends America" – as opposed to that other America with all the liberals and minorities in it.

  16. x111e7thst

    In the immortal words of User of Owls: "Elected ruminant Charles Grassley refused today to startle his dull eyed constituents …"

    1. Rotundo_

      He gave ruminants a bad name with associating them with the not so good senator. Pigs are not cud chewers. Even if his name is Grassley.

  17. Terry

    Happy Thanksgiving to all the Wonketteers! I'm going to spend the day not thinking about arseholes like Grassley, instead concentrating on all the good things like my family who are all pretty much massive liberals of various stripes.

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      You have much to be thankful for. I'll be spending the day with my far right-Tea party-Palin loving Texan inlaws. I'll spend my day giving thanks for large quantities of whiskey.

  18. NorthStarSpanx

    Lest we not forget the great 2008 Thanksgiving Day Turkey Pardon from this xceptionalNation's most levitious Governor:

    Sarah Palin: I don’t think it’s changed me at all, I have the same values and convictions and positions in policy so I’m just a greater appreciation I think for what other candidates go through you know I think it’s pretty brutal, you know, the time consumption there and the energy that has to be spent in order to get out and about with the message on a national level Great appreciation for other the candidates that go through this but also just a great appreciation for this great country there are so many good Americans who are just desiring of their government to kind of get out of the way and allow them to grow and progress and allow our businesses to grow and progress so great appreciation for those who share that value. I know, it was a blast, everyday it was just a blast to be out there on the trail.

    Q: (hard to hear) So why is today so important for you?

    A: Oh well, this was, this was neat. I was happy to get to be invited to participate in this and a, you know, it, for one, you need a bit of levity in this job especially with the, so much that has gone on in the last couple of months that has been so political obviously that it’s nice to get out and do something to promote a local business and just participate in something that isn’t so heavy handed politics that invites criticism, certainly we’ll probably invite criticism for doing this too but at least this was fun.

    (Backgroung: slackjawed Valley yokel mugging for the camera draining the blood out of what we suspect is the pardoned turkey.)

    Q: So what is it that you are thankful for this year?

    A: So thankful for the health and happiness of my family. That my son’s Striker Brigade is safe over there in Iraq, relatively safe and school is going well for the kids and Trig is happy and healthy. Just very thankful for the health and happiness of my family but then as much thankfulness that I have just being in Alaska knowing that this is the land of opportunities and possibilities so happy to get to be here.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Wow. Reading that is like looking up at the stars on a clear night. You know they are up there, but when you actually focus attention on them, you are dumbfounded by the incomprehensible scale of the universe. Holy shit.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Speaking of wow, I think you just pulled off the truest and most perfect metaphor of two things that could not ever conceivably be compared (ie, the idiotic ramblings of Sarah Palin, and every star in the sky).

        Awesome.

  19. Barrelhse

    Grassley is too illiterate to spell "exceptional."
    "Duh, I think there's a 'c' in there someplace- but WHERE? ..[Idea!].. I know what to do!"

  20. DCHatesMe

    Chuck Grassley has killed the thrill of Twittering with his dementia induced tweets to pee-stained oldies.

  21. OneDollarJuana

    I think Grassley was intentional in his use of "xceptional". I'm just trying to figure out exactly what the "X" stands for. "X" can mean many things:

    "Christ"ceptionalNation.
    "Cross"ceptionalNation.
    "Piratetreasurelocationonamap"ceptionalNation.
    "Backscatterradiationallowingpervertguardstoseeyourjunk"ceptionalNation.
    "WolfmanJack'sMexicanradiostationXERB"ceptionalNation.
    "Illiterateperson'ssignature"ceptionalNation.
    "Deletion"ceptionalNation.
    "SpeedRacer'snemesis"ceptionalNation.

    I'm just not getting it.

  22. DashboardBuddha

    American Exceptionalism gives me the pip. Sure, if all other nations of the world were like Somalia, I would be thankful to be living in the US…but not boastfully thankful. But, I look at places like Canada, Europe, and most of South America, and I see smiling people dealing with national problems to be sure, but still going out for coffee, or hanging out with friends and family, and think…wtf? How is our freedom better than their freedom?

    When I was in high school, the kids I admired most were the ones who had some special talent, but were cool about it. They didn't boast, didn't force their ideas about it, didn't jump in the shit of those who were less talented. They just did their thing and were nice to people in the process. Using this metric, the US is definitely Uncool.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I was subbing at a local high school, and during lunch, one of the regular teachers was telling me about her world travels–"Let me tell you, you really don't appreciate the freedom we have as Americans until you've lived somewhere else." The repressive third-world hellhole she'd had to endure? England. She'd been there for a year as a Mormon missionary.

      Since I've been trying not to be an asshole to real people (I save it for online), I let it go without asking what exactly she found so unfree there.

      1. Negropolis

        I always get a kick out of Christian folk who do their missions in…Europe. I knew some of these people and just found them to be repugnant and insulting, but in the nicest, smiliest way they could be, bless their hearts.

  23. mavenmaven

    I'm assuming that this will be a new "code", so Xmas= Xceptional USA, hitting both the "Jesus" meme and the "Obama doesn't believe in "American exceptionalism" all in one hit.

  24. mavenmaven

    I just realized that of course Thanksgiving is a Jesus holiday, since Jesus taught the Nephi how to partake of the sacrament.

  25. Chet Kincaid

    Thanksgiving with Jesus Family Friends is always so stressful. Mary Magdalene and Mary of Bethany are always sniping at each other, jockeying to wash Jay-C's feet, and Big Mary can't stand either one of the "trollops," as she likes to call them. After a few goblets of wine, Peter and Paul start their annual dick-measuring contest ("I've FORGOTTEN more scriptures than you've written, moron!" "I'm the rock on which this joint is built, asshole!"). Judas always shows up late in the afternoon, crying drunk and blubbering for forgiveness. Get a few Holy Spirits into the Apostles, and the din of glossolalia is worse than the Tower Of Babel. Every year, Jay-C ends up muttering to Himself, "I'm done, that's the Last Friggin' Supper."

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