pour one out for our homie tomorrow

Tom DeLay Finally Found Guilty of Being Tom DeLay

We miss you, bro.A jury in Texas (a pile of guns behind the prosecutin’ headquarters) has found Tom Guilty delay of conspiracy and money laundering. Sorry, has found Tom DeLay guilty of conspiracy and money laundering. So even though a few months ago, when the Justice Department cleared him of all charges in the Abramoff case, conservatives were telling us all we should be ashamed for what we did to this poor man, all is right for the world and will now face “between 5 and 99 years in prison,” which is a place better known in Texas as “the musical electric chairs.” “This is an abuse of power,” DeLay said, which is sad, because that man used to love abusing power.

There will be an appeal, of course. Because this all seems a little too just.

As the verdict was read, Mr. DeLay, 63, sat stone-faced at the defense table. Then he rose, turned, smiled and hugged his wife and then his weeping daughter in the first row of spectators. He faces between 5 and 99 years in prison, though the judge may choose probation.

Hmm, will it be 99 years in prison or will it be probation? On the one hand, Texas loves to punish people, whether or not they’re guilty, because it’s fun. On the other hand, Texas likes to take care of their good ol’ boys, no matter what they do wrong. So which path will Texas choose? Quick, somebody tell us Tom DeLay’s skin color! [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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139 comments

    1. Ein_Rant

      Hammer 1, "justice" overturned (=0) coming soon…

      Happy Thanksgiving, douche-bag…

      Lefties lost how many?

      You suck…

        1. ttommyunger

          DNA will reveal him to be reptilian to the fucking core, not human. Hardly grounds for exoneration.

          1. zhubajie

            I doubt he's advanced enough to be Reptilian, save by courtesey. Like the GOP (Giant Octopus Party)'s favorite deity, Cthulhu, he's a mollusc.

            I'd say fry him, then serve him up with chili sauce.

            Zhu Bajie, one-time squid

  1. PublicLuxury

    They'll choose probation where he will become a pro at masturbation. This will help to lean tto grease things other than somebody's palm.

    Or he'll get a way cool job with the new and improved version of Enron where money laundering is required

  2. DeLand_DeLakes

    Somewhere, a newly pardoned turkey is celebrating with blow and hookers, and this asswipe is headed to jail. Perhaps there is justice in the universe.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I hope that pockmarked, smarmy little sack of shit gets his saggy ass hammered for 5 to 99 years. Good riddance, Douchenozzle.

    2. Rarian Rakista

      Texas is actually #1 for prison sexual abuse by guards and by inmates. One of the prisons there is approaching 20% of inmates reporting rape. Something like 50% of children in Juvenile Detention there are abused, including many with mental health issues that go completely untreated. Texas has 1000 children under the age of 12 in detention, with 70% of them being former foster care kids. The recidivism rate for juvenille sexual offenders is also #1, according to a case I saw filed by the ACLU they like to go back to jail so they rape without virtually any penalty.
      http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/

  3. memzilla

    Anagrams of "Tom Delay" include: Old Moldy, To My Deal, and At My Lode.

    Also, how funny would it be if his prisoner ID number was today's lottery winner?

  4. dyedwool

    Okay, judging by the early comments, great Wonkette minds…and all that. So I'll go all in on the next comment meme: DON'T DROP THE SOAP, DELAY!

    Yeah, I got nothin'.

    1. Radiotherapy

      You've got to be quicker than Willow's boyfriend in these parts, pardner.
      Get it? Pardoner…..crickets.

  5. DaSandman

    I hope you die in prison, you worthless piece of shit. You used our government as your own personal fiefdom and now the grinding wheel of justice is bearing down on you hard. Not thinking Jeebus is gonna bail you out of this one. Futhermore, it is my sincere hope that the new crop of witless scumbags you have inspired meet the same fate.

    Happy Thanksgiving, bitch.

    1. Gunner Asch

      Love to see it happen, but I think it's probation for such a fine Family Values Republican who was, sadly, led slightly astray by the librul scum he tried so hard to instruct in the fine art of statesmanship.

    2. Serfville

      "You used our government as your own personal fiefdom and now the grinding wheel of justice is bearing down on you hard."
      Kewl, I'm changing my name to "Fiefville"
      Love, Serfville

    3. zhubajie

      He's a Religious-right-nik. Probably one of those who worship Sata, for wealth and power and all the kingdoms of the world, but call him "Jesus.

        1. zhubajie

          The one who goes up and down and to and fro in the world, offering people wealth and power, if they but worship him.

          Check out Stefan Heym's _The Wandering Jew_ sometime!

  6. JustPixelz

    Bristol lost DWTS last night. Delay lost his court case today, and lost DWTS a year ago. Is this America giving the middle finger to Repubicans? (props to Bristol for setting the tone!)

  7. neiltheblaze

    It's nice that this arrogant schmuck got recognized as the crook he is – but "quick, somebody tell us Tom DeLay's skin color" just about says it.

  8. chascates

    “I praise the Lord for what’s going on,” he told reporters outside the courtroom a few moments later. “I’m not going to blame anybody.”
    He called the prosecution an “abuse of power” and a “miscarriage of justice.”
    He complained that the “criminalization of politics undermines our system.”
    “I’m very disappointed,” he said. “It is what it is. Maybe we can get it before people who understand the law.”

    1. kenlayisalive

      Yes, to these guys money laundering and conspiracy, that's just "politics".

      Don't criminalize me bro!

    2. V572625694

      Well, as long as he didn't blame anybody, except the power-abusers and the politics-criminalizers and the system-underminers and the law-not-understanders and the justice-abortionists, I'd say he's taking it pretty well.

    3. mumbly_joe

      That's because he understands what many other Americans also do:

      Justice DeLay'd is justice denied.

  9. Wadisay

    When the next Alan Lomax goes to record Texax prison songs, Delay will be the guy clapping off the beat.

  10. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Under Sharia law, punishments fit the crime. Pickpockets get a hand cut off (first offense, anyway). So a money launderer should be left penniless, and without laundry, I guess. Until they find out he was an exterminator.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Jeebus, I forgot the first rung on his climb to power was squashing roaches. To steal from some movie I'm too lazy to identify, "God, it seems, has a sense of irony".

    2. axmxz

      Those found guilty of money laundering will go through the ringer.

      Thanks, I'm here all veal. Try the night.

  11. Beowoof

    Oh yeah, Tommy gonna being doing a new dance down at the jail house. In the words of those immortal Texans ZZ Top, he is going to be doing the tube steak boogie. Party on Tommy.

  12. BeWoot

    Too bad this happened after the US Supreme Court said it was just fine for Delay and his coconspirators to gerrymander the Texas Democratic party out of existence.

    But they do still use the shiv in Texas prisons, right?

    1. kenlayisalive

      If only. Where he'll end up, if he ends up anywhere at all, they serve Chardonnay in the mess hall after a long day on the tennis courts.

  13. jim89048

    Unless we can resurrect the moldy corpse of zombie Jack Ruby, I'd say justice will once again be denied.

  14. mrblifil

    From Dancing With The Stars to Getting Raped In The Yard.

    But seriously there's nothing funny about prison rape, even in Tom Delay's case. I mean, I hate rapists but pummeling Tom Delay's funky bumper would probably result in one or more person's dicks falling off. And we don't need that.

  15. ttommyunger

    I would be (happily) surprised if this egomaniacal bagman ever serves a day behind bars. Bear in mind that Perfect Hair Forever occupies the Gubner's Mansion there and he is pretty much Republican except for the Tea Party Parts. I wouldn't put it past Gub'ner Perry to drop his dick and quit fapping over his new flame and soon to be running mate (the Palinator) long enough to sign a pardon for the "Hummer". Yup, that's what they're calling him at his new digs…Wonder what they mean by that?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but as you say Perry has kept (for him) a low profile of late (largely because the Tea Party candidates carried the crazy water for him), in hopes of being the next GOP President from Texas (shudder). Pardoning DeLay would be a bad move given that even TP people hate the idea of corporations running elections.

      Admittedly, TP is manipulated by corporation and their owners/agents constantly, but they think their anger is genuine and pardoning DeLay would pull back the curtain a little too directly.

      1. ttommyunger

        Over-reach has been the hallmark of the Right. I'm betting on a commutation (a la Scooter Libby) or an outright Pardon.

    1. deelzebub

      That doesn't help your case in Texas. If you could get out of trouble in Texas if you were retarded, all Texas prisons would be 90% empty.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Hold me closer tiny dancer
      Count the headlights on the highway
      Lay me down in sheets of linen
      you had a busy day today

    1. Ein_Rant

      "Allah" and Christmas don't really mix, but you are clearly a retard (apologies to Sarah). Who would have 'thought'? Clearly not you, douche-bag..

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Nah, that treatments only for the black people. They'll probably hold a candlelight vigil for Tom, which is more than they did for James Byrd Jr.

        1. Rarian Rakista

          I was on the train cross country when we picked up some Texans, a nice gay couple in their 60's who I had been talking to held hands and gazed out the window when the 3 of them descended on them with calls of "Queer," "Faggot" and 'You are going to die in hell and I'll so enjoy it' Hours later they were wasted on Natty Ice half naked trying to pick up chicks and ended up messing with the wrong dude because we had to stop the train for hours and wait on 2 ambulances in Barstow and for people to give police reports.

          I heard from the conductor later the next day that they tried their queer bashing routine on a Marine, that apparently did not end well for them.

    1. Ein_Rant

      You get an "F" for spelling… Retard-douche-bag…

      Calvin is a child, you are a small stain your Momma's underwear… Difference!

  16. Blendergoathead

    DeLay's only real hope is that Obama pardons him in 2012, a final gesture to appease the GOP as he voluntarily leaves office after one term (again, to appease the GOP).

    1. JoshuaNorton

      Except this was a state court, so it would be up to Rick Perry to pardon him. Which wouldn't surprise me at all.

  17. slithytovesss

    Is my read of the mug shot correct? He's only 5'1"?? That explains so much. Great for the prison pedophiles.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      If the top of his head is flat it'll be just the right height for resting those prison drinks while he performs his prison duties.

    1. Ein_Rant

      Life as Tom DeLay seems not so bad… Better than Dick Turban… Or Nanny Piglosi… Or any freedom-hating STATIST PIG on the left. Grow up little boy…

  18. elfgoldsackring

    Rather than justice delayed, give us Delay justi… justiced? justicized? Sounded better in my head.

  19. OC_Surf_Serf

    Hot Tub Tom becomes Glory Hole Tom.

    Fucker got into government 'cause he wanted to keep using the banned nasty shit in his bug killing bizness…a metaphor applicable for many Republicans.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      He always reminded me of one of the old guys whose lawn got fucked up by city workers in spot and spent the rest of his life getting referenda on the Washington state ballot aimed at fucking the "government."

      One little thing, and they go McVeigh.

  20. LionelHutzEsq

    Wait, wait. You all are judging Delay too harshly. It turns out that Tom Delay was just working with Andrew Brietbart on a report on how easily one can corrupt the electoral system with corporate money. Probation would be a harsh punishment for a white guy saint like Tom Delay. This is Texas, after all.

  21. Billmatic

    Just for y'all that ain't familiar with Texas Law, when someone is sentanced to a prison term that is between x and y, the variable x will always be what the white man will serve and sliding upwards to y based on degrees of non-whiteness and/or mental retardation.

  22. Negropolis

    Hey, does anyone know Tom's ancestary. DeLay is either Dutch or French, but I can't find anything anywhere.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Fuck you. My keyboard is already dirty and I just took a break from being the world's most dedicated Thanksgiving dinner Mom, Granma, to have a cup of tea before I begin the final siege for tonight: cleaning and mopping the kitchen to have a fresh slate and start all over tomorrow.

        And here you go, making my laugh so hard I damned near spewed tea all over the keyboard. Are you proud of yourself, young man? (young lady? Old person? Kitty Kat?)

    1. dyedwool

      You aren't looking hard enough. DeNasty has no borders. DeSex knows no country, no boundary.

      DeButtsecks, especially. As Tom will find out soon enough…

  23. Serfville

    "As the verdict was read, Mr. DeLay, 63, sat stone-faced at the defense table."
    Waaaaaay too much botox, plastic surgery & collagen injections. So, is part of the sentence to wipe that frozen fake smug smile off his face? Texas do your thang: Old Sparky puleaze.

  24. iburl

    Didn't Pinochet avoid punishment by claiming to be too old, sick, and demented to do time?
    The way I see it, Tom has been bathing in brain-eating insecticide for decades, blithering about insane conspiracy theories on 'news' shows, and shamelessly mortified his entire family tree by shaking his Vitter-like adult diapers sexily on Dancing With the 'Stars'. I think just avoiding slathering the shoe polish in his hair so we can see the gray is the last piece of the pity puzzle left. Somebody's golf game is going to be SO much better in a few years.

  25. DustBowlBlues

    Come on, this is Texas. They love to find people guilty. I'm sure the entire state had it in for this guy.

    The real question is: How the fuck did they find 12 registered Republithugs to serve on the jury? Because you know the defense wanted to know their party registration during that voir dire thing the lawyers do (to impress us with their fancy-ass Latin.)

  26. Negropolis

    Those steps that he learned on DWTS will make him a very popular man in prison, as will his height. I want to see that bastard try to abuse his power in the pokey.

  27. Jukesgrrl

    I'd settle for the judge putting the boundaries of the House of Representatives districting map back to where they were before this bastard got his hands on it. That would be justice I could believe in.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      God, that makes good sense. This is exactly why it will never happen. Texas/good sense? Oxymoran. (I spelled that the way I wanted to, thx.)

  28. charlesdegoal

    I hope the court to which he appeals the judgment tells him firmly that "Justice, DeLay, is justice. Denied."

    1. Negropolis

      This just makes me love the English language. A shit-load of simple punctuations, and you can change the entire meaning of a sentence.

  29. sanantonerose

    Bugman from Sugarland gets squashed! Oh happy day! I doubt very seriously that Judge Pat Priest will settle for probation. Oh and what a difference 5 years makes between this mug shot and his stony face in court today. Give me an extra helping of schadenfreude this Thanksgiving! Oh, and if Karl Rove ever gets convicted of anything? Ima start goin to church!

  30. thelastrefuge

    well, lets hope he is given lots of time to hammer out his routine for dancing with the stars, the senior edition.

    Former US House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, once one of the most powerful and feared Republicans in Congress, was convicted Wednesday on charges he illegally funneled corporate money to Texas candidates in 2002. http://www.newslook.com/videos/269102-tom-delay-c

  31. Plowmon

    I wonder if he might not fit in my turkey fryer, even if in pieces. The peanut oil is still warm and there's still plenty of propane…

  32. RobPetrified

    I wonder when He'll show up on FOX 'news' alongside his pal, Newt, as a "senior commentator."
    He'll continue to reap the rewards of his slimeballery while he is on probation, and for the rest of his sorry ass life.

  33. anteater

    Matt Taibbi had it right all along:
    "DeLay was not blessed with personal gifts — looks, brains, charm. Instead of Oxford and Yale, DeLay dropped out of Baylor after being inveighed in a childish campus-vandalism scandal. His pre-politics career as a rat and bug killer was marked by a continual failure that has to be considered shocking in a state so teeming with vermin. An exterminator failing in southeast Texas is like a pimp failing in Bangkok during tourist season."

    hahahhahaah, fucking bug killer.

  34. Negropolis

    What college did you attend, Pauletteanne? Don't tell me you think you honestly got admitted for stellar high school career, sweetie.

  35. Negropolis

    Hey, shouldn't you be over at RedState trolling for angry, impotent, overweight men who will lavish you with the negative attention you so desperately and earnestly seek as you are wont to do? Forgive us; we unable (and unwilling) to help you with your daddy issues; you'll have to settle those elsewhere.

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