Obama Performs Obligatory Turkey Pardon For America’s Grandmas

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Bitchin' turkey, bro.
SURPRISE, Obama did the dumb turkey pardon thing today. So now those two fowls will live out their days in uninterrupted luxury in Gitmo. Administration Cute Czar Sasha and Cuter Czar Malia were on hand because this sort of thing is supposed to be cute. But that didn’t stop serious op-ed writers from criticizing him because he doesn’t seem to enjoy this pointless dumb thing that is only done so America’s grandmothers can get a photo of it and post it on the fridge.

Ugh! Shut up, dad.

But the look on his face was that of a man trying to be patient as he considered all the far more important things he had to do that day. This year, Obama cracked a few jokes, but it still appeared that he’d rather be focusing on something more substantive.

Ugh! Shut up, grandma. You can’t make Barry enjoy this. This guy really can’t win, no matter what he does. NOT ALL OF US ARE RETIREES WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON OUR HANDS. SOME OF US ARE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES. GO PLAY SLINGO ON THE COMPUTER, GRANDMA. [U.S. News]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Fare la Volpe

    FOX NEWS ALERT: Black Man Denies Two Families Delicious Thanksgiving Dinner

    • Negropolis

      You are one of my favorites.

  • nounverb911

    Senator Kyl is still Turkey of the Year.

  • Wadisay

    This is good news for John McCain.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Justin Bieber has become Waldo for Wonkette Blingee purposes. Where is he now? Oh — there he is!

  • freakishlywrong

    Meh. Wake me up when he un-pardons Dick n' W.

    • el_donaldo

      or has them tossed into the shredder, a la Sarah Palin's infamous turkey video.

      • zhubajie

        Just what I was thinking!

  • mog253

    when Sarah's preznit, she'll shoot them right there in the Rose Garden! heh.

    • PublicLuxury

      Sarah Palin can eat the corn from my shit. With fresh butter, naturally.

      • Radiotherapy

        You said butter.

    • slappypaddy

      from marine one.

    • zhubajie

      She'll have a turkey-guillotine, just like at home!

  • JoshuaNorton

    Couldn't they just once say "Nah, kill the fucker"? The poor thing probably goes from the White House to the Foster Farms Home for Wayward Turkeys and Poultry Parts Processing Center anyway.

    • zhubajie

      Tormented at the petting zoo till they die!

  • DahBoner

    I've found that the turkeys on are one of three things:

    1) Fat

    2) Ugly

    3) Crazy

    • SexySmurf

      That also describes the bloggers over at RedState.

      • dyedwool

        And they almost always have unsightly wattles. Plus hover rounds. Cuz they can't fly so good. Lazy asses.

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Next year, don't pardon the turkey, but try the case in Federal Court instead of a military tribunal. Everybody will get on board with that.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      But the Federal Courts won't let in evidence obtained when the turkeys were water-boarded. Locking them away at Gitmo and military tribunals is clearly the only way to go.

      • deanbooth

        Put them out in the rain and they'll waterboard themselves.


      And Turkey is a Muslim country, so this one is pardoned but goes directly to Guatánamo, chico.

    • HistoriCat

      But when the turkey is found guilty on all charges, we will know the system has failed to keep us safe.

  • PublicLuxury

    We might just as well have Prince Charles and that horny bitch wife of his as our preznit. Ours only does cermonial shit. The republitards won't let anything else get done. I think the republitards are projecting their sexual inadequacies onto the preznit and rest of teh country. All they say is no and obstruct. Where's Dr. Ruth"

    • zhubajie

      Prince Charles is too smart to be US Pres.

    • x111e7thst

      Have you looked at any republitards lately? It's a damn good thing they are sexually inadequate cause the only sex you get, looking like that, is from a crack ho or from that really skeevy fat guy two urinals down.

  • Sue4466

    For fuck's sake, is there nothing people won't criticize him for? He looks like he has more important things on his mind. You think that's maybe because he does? Two wars, economy gone to shit, North & South Korea also pining for the 1950s . . . fuck already.

    • glamourdammerung

      For fuck's sake, is there nothing people won't criticize him for?


      • Sue4466

        Thanks for clarifying. I'll lower my expectations now.

    • OneDollarJuana

      He could stop that wars thing today.

      • Sue4466

        Yep, but not by pardoning a turkey.

  • Tengu

    Meanwhile is busily crafting a 'Jive Turkey' headline with just the right amount of subtle racism.

    • 4TheTurnstiles
    • Sparky_McGruff

      Not too subtle, of course. The writers have little talent, and the audience doesn't read well. Subtlety doesn't fly well; though sarcasm goes over even worse.

  • chascates

    He could have set Bo on the turkey, then killed it to prevent its suffering.

    And then eat it. In a Muslim curry sauce.

    • mumbly_joe

      FACT: Bo is a cold-hearted murderer of a political operative, having learned his trade from the Clintons' First Cat, alias "Socks". That stupid gay murder rumor thing that was floating around back in the day? Yeah, that was Bo, just as Socks before him did in Vince Foster- WAKE UP SHEEPLE. It wasn't actually over a gay affair or anything retarted like that, though, but because the guy had conclusive evidence calling into question Bo's supposed "Portuguese Water Dog" pedigree. The evidence all fits, this is totally not something I spontaneously made up just now on two hours of sleep and like five G&T's.

      In other words, what I'm saying is, NOBOBAMA.

  • metamarcisf

    Obama has no business pardoning either Cider or Apple. Both are obviously guilty of the crime of being turkeys. They need to be held as enemy combatants, incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay, and eventually tried before a military tribunal. And no, this is not good news for John McCain.

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      We've got to stop the spread of Turkiah law that threatens to undermine our Constitution!

    • dyedwool

      And they had no bird certificates! Also.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Cider? Apple? Are those the latest Palin kids?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Strangely, the pardon requires the turkeys to convert to Islam to take effect.

  • jim89048

    Is turkey halal?

    • Atomic26

      Sometimes. There's an Islamic foodbank in Jersey that supplies halal turkeys to down and out Muslins for Thanksgiving.

    • AddHomonym

      Hella halal, if you do it right.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Not if stuffed with shredded cheeseburgers.

  • user-of-owls

    Imagine, if you will, what it must be like for Ayman al-Zawahiri's translator when he's asked to explain what's going on in this footage.

    • weejee

      Would it be the lifting of a fatwa most fowl?

  • weejee

    Hold the vision of K-Lo chasing those two turkeys down the street, say L Street SE, trying to stuff White Castle anus burgers up their birdly anuses.

    • slappypaddy

      thank you. time to start drinking.

  • thefrontpage

    Why was Obama pardoning Sarah and Bristol Palin?

  • slappypaddy

    a quick pardoning of the turkeys so he can rush back to dealing with the unpardonable asses.

  • sherriawilson

    Of course he's not happy. He's probably the one that had to break it to them that they were flying commercial to Gitmo and the odds are good they're gonna get cooked in the Porno Cancer Scanners.

  • JoshuaNorton

    You do realize that this is good news for John McCain, don't you?

  • DemonicRage

    OK. THAT he has time to do. But issuing an Executive Order, Harry Truman style, and getting rid of DADT, that's just too much to hope for, isn't it?

  • SmutBoffin

    I saw a thing on this turkey pardon on the news, because nowadays the nightly news is just a buncha crap that isn't interesting enough to be on the internet.

    Anyway, the whole turkey pardon tradition isn't much of a tradition, having been started by Geo. H.W. Bush when he was President. Barry oughta just give it up, but he can't since dicks would accuse him of being 'unpresidential' or something.


    This proves once and for all that death panels were a myth.

    • GOPCrusher

      Sadly enough, these turkeys probably have better health care then the majority of Americans.

  • Rotundo_

    The silly things are so inbred for white meat production that they don't usually live to see the next thanksgiving anyway. Barry would have been kinder to pop them in kill cones like the goober behind $arah did and lop they poor heads off. Now had they had *Real* heirloom turkeys, the ones that actually can still fly for short distances and don't grow like mutant blobs of glowing white protoplasm, those would have gone on to a few years of contentment and procreation without artificial insemination like the blobs we'll be wolfing down tomorrow.

  • slappypaddy

    too bad they can't go out in the rain, look up, and drown.

  • jim89048

    Added bonus, they take Grayson's advice and die quickly.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I voted for change. I'll have filet mignon with a side of trucknutz, pleeze.

  • AngryGeometer

    Ugh. Isn't Joe Biden's whole job to do this corny white people shit?

  • chascates

    Tom DeLay found guilty on both charges of money-laundering.

    “So many minority youths had volunteered…that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.” ~On why he did not go to Vietnam.

    “Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?” ~Tom Delay, to Katrina evacuees from New Orleans at the Houston Astrodome.

    “We’re no longer a superpower. We’re a super-duper power.” ~On urging war on Iraq.

    “Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills.” ~On Columbine.

    “A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure. To provide stability. Not that a woman can’t provide stability, I’m not saying that… It does take a father, though.”

    “I don’t believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church.”

    “Emotional appeals about working families trying to get by on $4.25 an hour are hard to resist. Fortunately, such families do not exist.” ~On increasing the minimum wage

    “I am not a federal employee. I am a constitutional officer. My job is the Constitution of the United States, I am not a government employee. I am in the Constitution.”

    • slappypaddy

      another turkey looking for a pardon. look up, tom.

    • EdFlintstone

      I have to admit, I never thought he would get convicted in Texas. I't couldn't happen to a sleazier ex-bug man.

    • ManchuCandidate

      He's not giving thanks to his defense team.

      Not so smug now, BugBoy.

    • blogslut

      I was wholly disheartened after this last gubernatorial election. This news almost makes up for it, at least for today.

      Yeehaw, motherfuckers!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Another cause to celebrate!
      I hope his cell is as bug infested as his soul.
      Happy Thanksgiving Libtards!

    • weejee

      Huzzah! Tejas haz dun us prowd. Great win for Ronnie Earle and I think I heard a celestial yeeha from Molly Ivins.

    • Radiotherapy

      Can't wait to see this bailarín alegre on the DWTS: Prison Special.
      Delightful Wonkette Turkeyday Special

    • JoshuaNorton

      That should shut up the conservi-tard relations gathered around the turkey tomorrow. Any time they want to rag on Charlie Rangel, all you have to say is "Tom Delay".

      They're crowing because the House ethics committee found Charlie guilty. Old Tommie Boy just disbanded the whole process so they never had a whack at him. And the wingnutz crow that he was never found guilty.

      Suck. On. That.

    • Bluestatelibel

      Hey Tom, you're one Tom Hopey ain't going to be pardoning. Enjoy your new cell mate.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I've heard Andy Card accusing President Obama of demeaning the dignity of the office — by being black rolling up his sleeves and such. But demeaning the frivolity of the office is an entirely new one. If there's a job that requires one to follow the president around and bitch about how he holds his fork and ties his shoes, Susan Milligan is the new frontrunner.

    • EdFlintstone

      Just wait for Ms. Milligan's take on the easter egg hunt in April.

      • jim89048

        That's how they roll in DeeCee.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Why can't Mr. Obama be like a real politican and pose for this charade with a turkey being fed into a woodchipper in the background?

    And what does it say about Bush 43 that as President he pardoned more turkeys than as Governor he pardoned human beings?

  • jim89048

    Question: Izzat one of Clinton's cigars in the turkey's beak?
    And that Indian princess? I'd hit that.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I was thinking it's Sunny Leone, who is, in fact, Indo-Canadian.

  • Wadisay

    May I be the first to wish Tom Delay many years in Levenworth with a well-pierced, inked up 6'5" sex offender named "Kisser."

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Was this Federal Court? Damn. I guess lethal injection is not a likely sentence. It just doesn't seem proper to incarcerate an exterminator.

  • Radiotherapy

    I have to work tonight. So I'd like to just say Happy Turkey/Sliderstuffing Day to all of Wonkettedom. You fucks rule. Enjoy your tofu turducken — or whatever you libtards engorge upon..

    Now back to our regularly scheduled snark.

    • weejee

      'n to you Radio & all the rest. Sweet way to enter the holiday with a hammer coming down.

      • Radiotherapy

        Hey weejee, likewise to your left coast family.
        And in the Wonkette tradition of holiday video Indian-Pilgrim socialism, Here's one for you my Khe Sanh cognizant friend.

  • neiltheblaze

    OK guys, fun's fun – but where the fuck is the Tom DeLay blingee already?

  • Serfville

    Tom Delay Felon! Yearaghhhhhhh! PS: Another great bling Happy Thanksgiving!

  • donner_froh

    Susan Milligan needs to lighten up a bit herself–or even better stop typing stupid words on the US News web site, although stupid is the only type of words they have there.

  • VinnyThePooh

    W's "pardons" still resulted in the turkeys being anally gaped with beer cans.

  • slowhansolo

    Cool, so I won't be the only turkey smoking a blunt this weekend.

  • sanantonerose

    A smoking turkey. Why is that so hilarious? *giggle*

  • sanantonerose

    And is that a goddamn Elmer Fudd hat on Obamar?

  • gurukalehuru

    I think everybody here is being a little harsh on Stupid Mulligan. She had a tough assignment – write something negative about Obama to tie in with Thanksgiving – and she did the best she could.
    I'm sure her editors were very pleased.

  • mumbly_joe



  • simplyblue7

    "Administration Cute Czar Sasha and Cuter Czar Malia"

    Like Saddam's sons Uday and Qusay?

    • Negropolis

      Yes, just like Uday & Qusay, minus the shooty-stabby, and Barbara and Jenna. minues the drinky-flashy.

  • webmasterforumu