the dean of house boners

Here Is John Conyers On An Airplane Fapping To Playboy Magazine


Thanksgiving is an annual holiday of touching people’s genitals to celebrate the miracle of flight, so here’s a video that’s emerged of Rep. John Conyers of Detroit looking at a copy of Playboy on an airplane. And through the power of journalism, we know what pages the Judiciary Committee chairman cross-examined.

By the way, you have to confirm to YouTube you are at least 18 years of age if you click through to watch this video. Gross.

Conyers — in his aisle seat — is shown flipping though pages showing two nude gal pals in the August issue of Playboy. And he also apparently reads Hefner’s product for the articles. The pages he lingers on appear to feature an article entitled ‘La Chatte’ by Maureen Gibbon, on article exploring lesbian sex.

Nice work! Well, his insane 46-year-old wife is in jail for accepting bribes, so this poor old man has to get off somehow. And they don’t let you fap to porn on laptops when you’re about to take off, so this had to be done analog-style.

Please think of horny John Conyers and his porno mag tomorrow when you get your mouth around a forkful of turkey smothered in gravy. [Political Wire]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

57 comments

  1. CablinasianDem

    Actually, those are notes from his Judiciary Committee on the constitutionality of new TSA-based legislation.

  2. PublicLuxury

    I think Conyers was trying to make a pass at whomever was sitting next to him. He is ready to pop. A quick handjob under the magazine (paper) is just what Conyers needs for turkey day.

  3. GOPCrusher

    What the hell was he looking at an August copy for? The January issue should be out on the newsstands by now.

  4. Beowoof

    With the new republican leadership set to take over the house, I am pretty sure fapping will be the start of every session.

  5. Not_So_Much

    Playboy isn't even considered in teh pron category anymore, is it? But my home page is 2 girls 1 cup, so maybe I'm jaded…

    Stay klassy John!

  6. Gratuitous World

    last time i was on a flight, "how to deal with sitting next to an engorged congressman" was not covered by the in-flight safety instructions, or the laminated card located in the seat in front of you – which i'm cool with.

    1. Beowoof

      I though it was that white gravy they use for sausage and biscuits. I would think it is healthier than stuff they use down south, but I will pass on my serving.

    1. user-of-owls

      Of course. That's why I keep my subscription to Bild. How else can I get my fix for die, der and einem?

    2. DoktorZoom

      Odd coincidence, just yesterday I was esplaining to my 13 year old that Playboy used to actually have a reputation for good journalism and interviews (I was looking up a Kurt Vonnegut quote for the Wonkette, and he saw that one of the KV lines came from Playboy).

      I get the impression that the kiddo still finds the entire notion of naked-lady magazines kind of ridiculous, though whether this is due to his not yet passing into full-blown puberty or to what he may know about internet pr0n, I prefer not to know.

  7. GinnehRED57

    Hallelujah, I'm a born-again Vegeterianist. Pass the tofurkey.

    By the way, iPhone's autocorrect wanted to replace "tofurkey" with "rigidity." Ceiling Cat is pleased by this show of devotion.

  8. Missyb9479

    Whenever I'm in an airport bookstore and I see them selling Playboy and Penthouse behind the counter I always wonder if anyone actually bought them. What type of weirdo reads porn on a flight.

    Well, there you go.

  9. mavenmaven

    This might be a good TSA avoidance strategy. If you have a bag full of porn, the TSA people might be a tad reluctant to pat you carnally or even touch you.

    1. Not_So_Much

      My wife and I decided the next time we fly, our only carry-on will be a roller bag stuffed to the gills with sex toys. Big ones, using D cells and all running at maximum rpm.

      1. Missyb9479

        They won't let you bring handcuffs onto an airplane. Even if they are fur lined.

        Um… that's what I heard.

  10. eastcoastelite

    Jesus H. Christ. I once flew first class from Seattle to NY and the jackass next to me whipped out a Playboy and read it like it was the most natural thing. I kept thinking "Wow…no one is going to believe this." Alas……

  11. ttommyunger

    I'm sorry, Wonketeers, I've seen porn, I've worked with porn, I know porn and PLAYBOY is not porn.

  12. Negropolis

    This comes as kind of surprise, because it's always been whispered around Detroit for decades (yeah, he's been in Congress that long) that he's gay. His marriage to the hot mess that is Monica "Bribe Me" Conyers was supposed to put that too rest.

  13. mrbubb

    Back in Washington, Conyers introduced HR 6969, "in which this body declares itself resolved to be long, strong, and down to get the friction on."

Comments are closed.