happy endings

Happy National Opt-Out Day! Go Forth and Get Groped

Thanksgiving Eve has never been so sexual.National Opt-Out Day is finally here! Thousands of men, women, children and stray cats are expected to refuse a TSA naked cancer chamber scan, choosing instead to be gate raped by career failures. Chief TSA Pedobear “John Pistole” says that people who love getting cancer shouldn’t opt-out, because then you won’t get cancer and also there might be flight delays. So now everyone must opt-out, in order to make John Pistole look foolish and dumb. Would you like to be groped, for pleasure, but do not anticipate flying anywhere today? That’s okay, the TSA is giving out free grope coupons! Print one out and hustle over to the nearest airport. There is a one hundred percent chance somebody is going to touch your penis or vagina today.

DealzHand this free coupon to the TSA agent with the glitter sharpie who “checks” your boarding pass and/or coupon before you proceed forth to be groped. (Remember to have your driver’s license or Library of Congress card out and ready, so that the TSA person can make sure your name matches the name on the coupon!)

But also send your erotic TSA fan fiction/real life sexual abuse stories to tips at wonkette dot com. Subject line: “Good Touch!” or “Bad Touch!” depending on how it goes. If you are a coward and opted-in for the porno-scanner, your subject line should look something like “Michael Chertoff saw me naked and then injected me with Cancer, I’m a loser.” Safe travels, everyone!

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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  1. x111e7thst

    What if the brave and handsome TSA man stuffs a Western Bacon Cheeseburger down my panties. Is that Good Touch or Bad Touch?

      1. Janinthepan

        Someone posted a comment on the NPR blog that he went through security with a banana stuffed in his pants, and unfortunately did not have to go through porn cancer box, nor get felt up. Sad face :(

  2. V572625694

    Mmmm….Western bacon is so much better on a cheesburger. It should be topped with a health dollop of Ranch dressing, too.

  3. SexySmurf

    I remember when the U.S. Department of Molestation actually cared about molesting people. Now they're in the pocket of Big Pocket.

  4. SorosBot

    But that coupon expired on January 31, 2008 so I guess I'll have to go back to the old non-free hookers to get my penis touched today.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I was going to go to the airport today and go through security and get the pat-down. Probably the closest I've been to sex with another person in years.

  5. gef05

    So now I'm not allowed to fly.

    All because I grabbed the TSA dude's hair, pushed his head back, and came like Pete North while shouting, "Mama grizzly turkey bitch. MAMA GRIZZLY."

    Was that wrong?

  6. CapeClod

    I'm thinking about putting a Western Bacon Cheeseburger in my underwear and going though a porno scanner. Would that show up?

  7. el_donaldo

    Hey – "hand in your panties" sandwich comes with lettuce and tomato! Does that mean the TSA will also "toss my salad" with the free grope?

  8. StillGoinGreen

    I felt left out, since I wasn't traveling for the holidays – so I went down to my local Wal Mart and asked the old lady greeter to grab my junk and see if I was packin'! I was quite sure I would end up in jail for that one, but instead, I got the best handjob I have ever had in my life! I… oh yeah… this ain't Penthouse Forum, is it? Well, nevermind – FUCK SARAH PALIN!!!

  9. elviouslyqueer

    God willing, my "Show Me On the Doll" action figure is going to be positively worn out after today.

  10. user-of-owls

    There is a one hundred percent chance somebody is going to touch your penis or vagina today.

    No way. The Weather Channel said it's only an 80% chance of groping with light and variable radiation.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "Careful buddy, the treatments for the Mexican Jumping Crabs I contracted down in Acuña haven't taken effect yet, and them are some pretty hairy guns you're sporting there."

    1. sherriawilson

      Unless its Bristol Palin and then the Palinistas will mobilize a massive phone in campaign to try to save her.

  12. johnnyzhivago

    I'm afraid the terrorists are just going to drive or take Amtrak.

    Even worse – what if the terrorists just decide to stay home?

    What I want is a hard-target search and double frisk of living thing in every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in America!

  13. BornInATrailer

    What percentage of the people truly annoyed at this process are viciously holding their farts in just to be released during the groin pat down?

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    "Hey, are you gonna buy me dinner after your done?" and "Hey, don't I get a kiss first?" are two questions I suggest asking the poor slob who has to cup his hands under your man-boobs. He will be really amazed and impressed by your originality.

    Sorry, I'm feeling a little sympathy for the poor TSA drones who have to spend the day reaching under the corn-syrup flab of 98% of the American traveling public today. Unless, of course, said drone has his or her own corn-syrup flab to be proud of.

    1. BornInATrailer

      I think even if the TSA agent has a corn syrup flap, you can probably still feel sympathy for their being required to handle the corn syrup flap of countless strangers.

      1. Terry

        In the blog posts about the new scanner and more intensive searches, there's been the undercurrent of an assumption that the TSA workers are going to be titilated by looking at the scans and doing the searches. Can you imagine looking at hundreds of those scans a day? Even if you had a predisposition to being turned on by grainy odd images of strangers, you have to imagine that the sheer number of images would reduce the impact.

        1. BornInATrailer

          Not to mention the human form, even a decent one sans corn syrup flap does not look right when it is all trussed up by under garments and street clothes. Squashed boobs, strangely contorted junk and weird elastic indentations all in grainy b&w as you mentioned.

          Of course, there is at least one TSA worker who has had this unfulfilled fetish his entire life and now feels like Christmas morning.

          1. MsQuasimodo

            Or people with these, and other exhibitionistic groping fetishes, will flood the TSA applying for jobs.

    2. StillGoinGreen

      You just know that 90% of those poor bitches and bastards looked at themselves in the mirror this morning and said, "FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!!! WHY DIDN'T I JUST TAKE THAT JANITOR POSITION OUT OF FUCKING ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL???!!!

          1. chickensmack

            It's never too late to learn a foreign language, is all I'm saying. All we need to know pretty soon is how to say "Our specials tonight are…" and "Would you like a happy ending?" in Mandarin.

    3. user-of-owls

      Fully concur, Sheriff. They are just poor schlubs that are grateful to have a jerb, the degradation notwithstanding. Around here, in fact, a bunch of them seem to be retirees or other Top of the Demographic Pyramid-Americans trying to postpone the day they have to eat Alpo for dinner.

  15. Katydid

    Have they caught anybody fapping while being scanned or groped yet? In a nation of retards, it's bound to happen.

  16. metamarcisf

    I wonder if anyone has thought of this gag: take a baked potato, wrap it in aluminum foil, and stuff it down your pants. Then watch with delight as the TSAers have you walk back and forth through the scanner, which beeps furiously, confusion mounting over what could possibly be the problem. Imagine the look of surprise on their faces when you finally pull out the "object" for all to see. I think everyone would get a chuckle out of this one!

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    I'm sure as hell glad I'm not traveling, because if I found out that I missed my flight because some dickhead libertarian or an untrractive woman who clearly thinks too highly of themselves threw a fit in the security check in, I'd slam my head into the wall.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Can you imagine the absolute shame that some poor, young, ugly girl is going to feel when she is looked at by the cute, muscular TSA agent (the only reason she refused the cancer cavern and "opted in" for the body search) and told, "Go on through"?

    2. Oblios_Cap

      Yeah! Civil Disobedience against intrusive bullshit regulations is something only Europeans are allowed to do!

      1. Terry

        Civil disobedience is a right, but becomes highly annoying when it makes the wait at airport security take longer. Why not just picket or do interpretive dance while waving giant puppets in the terminal?

  18. metamarcisf

    So I was just in the security line at Sky Harbor when the guy in front of me says he's gonna "opt out" because these searches violate his constitutional rights. I told him that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and that he should be a patriot and support his president. He nodded and said his days as a tea bagger were over and vowed to send a big check to NPR.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Aww, I love a good fairy tale. Now tell me the one about the Republican who understands basic economics.

    2. DoktorZoom

      Then he said, with his dying breath, "I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper."

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      See how easy that was? Now do it 50 times a day, every day!

      (Also, go post that same comment to those Breitbart blogs you enjoy trolling and compare your thumbs up here to the thumbs down there. With your outstanding record of achievements in this category, I'm wondering if you've ever considered that. Crafting a single comment designed specifically to get the greatest differential of thumbs by posting it identically on two different blogs. This is your homework assignment for the Thanks Giving break, Meta.)

    4. GOPCrusher

      Our office Tea Bagger was throwing a fit this morning about this being a violation of his Constitutional Rights, until it was pointed out that he also was a strong supporter of the Patriot Act and that the Feds reading e-mails and listening to phone calls without your permission was acceptable because it kept us safe from the terrorists.
      Must hurt like Hell, to be hoisted upon your own petard.

  19. SorosBot

    Fuck Michael Bay; reportedly she offered to do a topless scene in The Island but the asshole wanted a PG-13 rating.

  20. SorosBot

    The TSA shit does make me more glad than usual that I live just a half-hour subway ride from my parents and don't have to fly or drive today or tomorrow.

  21. freakishlywrong

    Quite frankly, I'd like to opt out of every hysterical, moranic National "conversation" this dumb country gets ginned up to.

  22. Lascauxcaveman

    Is Scarlett Johansen flying anywhere today? If so, I would gladly pay $50 for a back-scatter image of her.

    Oh, yeah? Well how much would you pay to do the pat down on her when she "opts out?"

    1. horsedreamer_1

      To boldly go… where Ryan Reynolds, Josh Hartnett, Benicio del Toro, Jared Leto, Justin Timberlake, and Axl Rose have gone before.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    If I was in charge of TSA, I'd approach this problem from a "truth in advertising" perspective with some prominently displayed signs:

    "OPT-OUT" LINE This Way ——-> Get groped, miss your plane. Approx wait from this point: 2 – 4 hours

    "BODYSCANNER" LINE This way ——-> Stand briefly in a scanning device and proceed to the gate. Approx wait from this point: 3 – 5 min.

    1. DoktorZoom

      edit: Stand briefly in a scanning device (and be seen sorta naked in a blurry gray way by a bored TSA drone who is far more interested in the next cigarette break than your flabby body) and proceed to the gate.

  24. chickensmack

    At that point then we can justify walking through the TSA microwave ovens, with no equivocation on how much of a radiation bath we're taking. Thanks an awful fucking lot.

  25. StillGoinGreen

    The RA makes it a little rough for them to apply a sustained pressure grip – but I have trained myself to only need 2 or 3 minutes, so it's cool!

  26. Limeylizzie

    I have to make the best of this new travelling feature, so I wll go to my default fantasy life…the curvaceous , yet brilliant and bi-lingual SAS operative makes her way through the checkpoint staffed by arrogant SS men, she has the radio transmitter in her luggage and secret codes hidden in her underwear, she knows that the screening will be rigorous and probing. She is next in line and finds herself , and her panties, roughly pulled to one side by the cruel, yet attractive, SS-Hauptsturmführer He takes her into a nearby office, locks the door and opens the luggage where the radio is clearly visible. Our plucky operatve knows what she must do to protect her fellow Maquisards, and she does it willingly, oh so wlliingly .

    1. zhubajie

      I once saw a station manager deck a groper at the Trailways Depot in Chicago. Threw'im out into a snow-drift on -20 night, too.

  27. Neilist

    TSA: Staffed by White Trash Americans Who Lost Their Jobs At 7/11 to Pakistani Nephew Of The New Owner With The Degree In Chemical Engineering.

  28. horsedreamer_1

    Well, Scar-Jo has denied any Westinghouse Hanky-pank with del Toro — "going… down, Ms Johansson?", then Joe Perry guitar-lick — & Axl was apparently just a ping-pong opponent at some chic Manhattan club that has ping-pong tables for its patrons.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Whew. Christ. A guy with blond cornrows really shouldn't be getting laid at all, much less by her.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        True. But have you heard "Rocket Queen"? I think Axl's a beast in the bedroom. & I get the feeling Scar-Jo might actually like it rough (& not just talk like she does (cough, Angelina, cough)).

        1. kenlayisalive

          I hear you, but yeah, but that's in '87 when he was fucking cool.

          Now he's a fat pimply old guy in a oversized Falcons jersey. He looks like a makeup-less Juggalo.

          But look, if I knew what women wanted, I probably, you know, would be taking time out form commenting on Wonkette to get a blow job now and then. And that's clearly not happening.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Watch it with the Juggalo comments. I never fell for the ICP, not when I was just turned seventeen & the "band" was getting dropped by Hollywood Records, & not now, when Nathan Rabin, arch-contrarian for the ONION a/v club is engaging in hollow revisionism of the ICP story. So, I don't appreciate those lads being compared to the last great rock n' roll frontman.

            (I will, though, accept comparison of Perry Ferrell & Kid Rock.)

            As to not pulling girls, I feel ye. I think I scotched a chance to take a retiring waitress home on Monday nite, after pub-trivia. (Retiring, as in closing her shift; she was only twenty-two, maybe, also.) But that's me: always looking at my own mouth when I should be bridling the horse.

          2. kenlayisalive

            Sorry brother, Appetite is the dirtiest, druggiest, biggest record ever – but Axl Rose ain't living up to that shit at all.

            Haha. I feel like I'm bringing you out of a bad relationship. "Look at that bitch! She got fat, she wrecked your car, and blew all your friends. Look at the truth man! Forget about her. Now what about that Nirvana chick, you said you thought she was cute?"

          3. horsedreamer_1

            Too much time at Sedona. Though, I am glad it's that, & not Scientology. If Axl were to have gotten sucked in by that… Well, I never.

            As is, I have peculiar taste in vocalists. I find Mike Patton annoying, & think Vinnie Dombrowski ("The Polish Prince!") is prolly the closest the alternative nation came to an Axl-worthy successor. & I still jam on Wax Ecstatic (album, & song), even if, when I saw Sponge (well, Dombrowski, & four guys from Detroit bar-bands) at the Solstice Festival in June, I heckled the singer mercilessly. (Including spoiling his "surprise" of the Speed Racer theme as sixth song in the set.)

  29. valgal2342

    Before arriving at the airport, eat lots of whatever gives you horrible, smelly gas. As your TSA groper is feeling up your fanny with their face right at that same level, let it rip loud and proud permeating the immediate area with your own special fragrance and song.

  30. zhubajie

    I can't make up my mind if TSA groper would be a good job or a bad one. If I were still an over-educated, under-employed minimum wage-slave with a sh*t-load of resentment towards my "betters", then, yeah, humiliating them this way might be fun. But since they'd probably be even more insulting than usual, I suspect it'd get old real quick. Then I'd get even more eager to humiliate them.

    Thank Mazu, I'm not in that situation anymore!

  31. Egregious644

    The U.S. Department of Mole Station? Why does Mole Station need a department? Why does a mole need a station even?

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