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Passenger Finds Gun Clip On Plane: The System Works!

Haha, security.An annoying child on a Southwest Airlines flight from Burbank to Phoenix was rummaging around in a seat pocket and knocked a loaded gun magazine onto the floor. Hooray! Thank God we have those kajillion-dollar voyeur tubes to save us from weapons appearing on our airplanes! Flight attendants were given the clip, and when the plane landed, passengers were forced to go through a re-screening process when they landed. So let that be a lesson to you: If you find a weapon on an airplane, don’t report it, or else the TSA will punish you and your fellow hurried passengers with even more intrusive screening. Oh, and where did this gun clip come from? TSA isn’t really sure.

“It belonged to a member of federal law enforcement,” John Pistole said of the magazine, adding it was not believed to belong to a federal air marshal.

“The full magazine was found in a back seat pocket,” a TSA official told CNN. “We believe it was left by a law enforcement officer on a flight that originated in San Jose (California) and landed in Burbank. The officer was not an air marshal and we are trying to establish contact with the agent.”

Yeah, you should probably try to figure out how to get in touch with the GUY WHO LEFT A GUN CLIP ON A PLANE.

So any old “law enforcement officer,” like, say, the crooked cop from the movies, can just carry loaded guns on planes if he wants to? He doesn’t even have to be air marshal? Sounds like a pretty good deal. We’d better hope the terrorists don’t see those cool commercials late at night and get a degree in Criminal Justice from ITT Tech. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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100 comments

  1. the_problem_child

    So they were just going to toss bullets until they got the flight attendant's attention?

    And then, "Hi, we'd like to hijack this flight, if that's okay with you?"

    1. Crank_Tango

      I'm sure macguyver could have rigged something up if he had a magazine. I am picturing a pretzel barrel and a firing pin made from a headset.

  2. memzilla

    Shouldn't they be looking for the cold dead hand this was pried out of? Because when armed federal agents are outlawed, only outlaws will have… wait, what?

    1. Pragmatist2

      It could be a bottle of shampoo cleverly disguised as a gun clip. Al Qaeda and Johnson & Johnson are sophisticated enemies.

    1. mumbly_joe

      I wonder if it's it a sign that I've slipped into the black pit of perpetual sexless lonliness that I'm actually jealous of those of you guys who are travelling by air for the holiday, particularly after this bit of news.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Aw, Mumbly-joe, your'e in East Harlem,right? I'm not going anywhere for Thanksgiving, we could play some kind of "crossing the troubled border between South Harlem and East Harlem" in which I could give you a throrough pat-down on Park and 116th or something , if you like.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Yeah, I wonder why some enterprising, upstart airline isn't running with the idea of child-free flights? They could make a mint, and who gives a fuck what parents think? The publicity alone would be golden. Since the KFC Double Down, Insult/Stunt Marketing is a whole new discipline within Brand Management.

        1. aisai

          Well, I imagine its because someone swapped the eggs for bullets in the Easter egg hunt (it IS Arizona after all). I can only suppose that this time when the neighbourhood bully eats all the prizes, his comuppance is a bit more severe than a tummyache.

  3. sarjo

    “The full magazine was found in a back seat pocket,” a TSA official told CNN.

    Also found in the seat pocket was a crumpled boarding pass in the name of "Harry Callahan."

  4. Giveusabob

    I can see how airline passengers must be thrilled at getting treatment just like what bacteria get from a laboratory autoclave.

    1. Negropolis

      Polishing his gun in the lavatory. And when I say polishing his gun, I mean quite literally polishing his gun. Aint no metaphor, here.

    2. V572625694

      Neilist was probably deep in the Catoctin Mountains at Site "R", awaiting the signal from Site "C" to emerge and assume his rightful position as The Dear Leader. But if they had the vault door closed, he might not have been able to emerge.

    3. PocketsTheClown

      Neilist left that shit there to see if it'd make the fuckin' paper. Didn't count on a Palin cousin kid finding it. IDIOT.

      1. Neilist

        You Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM have NOT been paying attention:

        1. It's a "magazine," not a "clip." "Clips" are what the grade school girls used to keep their hair back, before their Columbine High classmates empty a "magazine" into them.

        2. Harry Callahan carried a Model 29 S&W revolver. Those don't use "clips" or "magazines." At most, you would use a speedloader after shooting criminals or minority groups. (Same thing, really.)

        3. Neilist never leaves mags behind. Particularly full mags. It;'s easier to do a bullet dump into the nearest Liberal.

        4. Neilist lives at Site Y, the home base of EComCom. Waiting for General James Mattoon Scott to give the word . . . .

        5. Negropolis was polishing something, too. Shoes, wasn't it? No, wait: Airplanes don't have Pullman Porters, do they?

        Neilist
        Imaginary Federal Air Marshall
        Third Stool from the Left
        An Airport Bar Near You

          1. Neilist

            Join me in another rainwater and grain alcohol, Group Captain Binarian?

            Negropolis! Another round for the Pommie. Chop! Chop! And this time, put some ice in it, you hear me? I-C-E!

            Bloody natives. You can't get any decent help in the Topics. But I don't have to tell you that, Mandrake, I'm sure . . .

            Now, what was that about the alert?

        1. mrblifil

          "Clips" are what the grade school girls used to keep their hair back, before their Columbine High classmates empty a "magazine" into them.

          GIMME A BREAK! "Grade school girls" are not typically found in high schools, a point you should have thought of before you wrote that comment as it undermines the VERY CORE OF YOUR ARGUMENT. Asshole.

          1. Neilist

            "'Grade school girls' are not typically found in high schools . . . "?

            Speak for yourself, MrBlifl.

            Nothing like high school sex with a fourth grader. Nothing.

            (Wait a minute. What's the statute of limitations on that?)

            Hey, just kidding!

            Neilist
            Committing Communist Perversions in That Phone Booth
            Burpleson A.F.B.

        2. Negropolis

          Haha! It's funny because it's racist! Remember when you called me a "nigger"? Haha, yeah, that was a good one!

          1. Neilist

            "Nigger"?

            Dear boy (if you will pardon the term): Not everyone who makes mock of you — and I am sure the list is lengthy — needs resort to racist terminology to hold you out as an ass.

            Regardless of the fact that you reinforced the stereotype by immediately resorting to the classic Big Lie Liberal Tactics of a false accusation of racism.

            Give my regards to Rev, Sharpton, would you? I assume that you and he, and Tawana Brawley, will be getting together to "flip the holiday bird at 'Whitey.'"

            (Gesh. This is almost too easy.)

  5. noodlesalad

    The problem is that's a standard in-flight magazine when your entertainment options are Sex and the City 2 or shooting yourself in the head.

    1. PocketsTheClown

      Or Pashto Press. Or NeoEconomist. Or WSJ-Asia edition (where they don't give a shit about your little problem there).

  6. kenlayisalive

    Since this is a society that hates government intrusion, and since the passengers have the most to lose, maybe the passengers should all just be inspecting each others junk instead of getting the TSA involved.

    I'm looking at you, MILF from Florida ordering a mini bottle of white wine at 8am. ; )

    1. PocketsTheClown

      Yeah, comfort level a lit-tle too high there. I'm saying most CJ peeps aren't going to putting a spare in with SkyMall.

  7. Blendergoathead

    Fuck. Southwest had the least-invasive passenger-raping policy before; now it's fucked.

    And, somewhere, a certain sky-cop is being promoted to administration.

    Either way, it's a good thing that kid didn't happen to have a suitable handgun on them.

    1. kenlayisalive

      The TSA: forcing you to shove that dime bag up your ass so you can get high at grandma's since 2010.

    1. jim89048

      I see where you're going with this. From now on, ALL fucking kids get the pornoscan AND the hand-rape procedure. That'll shut the little bastards up for most of the flight.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    Just viral marketing for a return engagement of AMC's Death Wish Week. Walking Dead isn't doing quite as well as expected, & Breaking Bad isn't quite ready for its next season run. Have to go back to the tried & true, then.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Yeah. I've actually spent several minutes thinking about this, and I cannot imagine one useful result that they could have expected to get from re-screening the offloading passengers.

      Either the TSA management was just embarrassed at having fucked up, and decided to make themselves feel better by punishing some random passengers, or maybe it was like

      TSA GUY: Shit, there was a loaded clip on that plane. We ought to do something about it to make it look like we're doing something.

      OTHER TSA GUY: Well, what can we do?

      BRILLIANT TSA GUY: Hmm. What do we know how to do? I've got it! Re-screen 'em. We know how to do that.

      1. HistoriCat

        Really, Blazing Saddles nails this, just like so much else:

        "Gentlemen, we must do something to protect our phony-baloney jobs!"

  9. chascates

    It's amazing how al Qaeda has managed to slip in a terrorist nut job every few years just to keep us wildly paranoid. The next attack will obviously come in an unexpected manner, such as a planted teabag Congressman or a crazy TV pundit.

    To be on the safe side we should lock up anyone who starts talking about how our country has already been taken over or who babbles about 'vast conspiracies'.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Ah, but what would TRU TV do for programming if Jesse Ventura is locked up? A&E already bought up all the repo and exterminator shows.

  10. rocktonsam

    Maybe they were filming the new Reno 911 movie and that crazy Dangle drop the clip and oh never mind I'm drunk.

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    Further proof that no one under 12 should be allowed on an airplane without a full body cavity exam.

    I mean, look, Jack, I'm not a bigot. You know the kind of books I've written about child rearing in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in child garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as children, I get worried. I get nervous.

  12. gef05

    The TSA officers saw something suspicious during the nude screen, but when asked about it the officer replied, "It's my pistol, and it's fully loaded." *wink*

    Pass on through.

    1. slappypaddy

      fuckity fuck, why wait for high speed rail. with all the bullshit flying entails these days, if you're traveling less than 500 miles it makes more sense to rent a car. i know, it's not the green solution, but until the tottering edifice of air travel collapses, there's not going to be the political will to create a new suitable alternative.

      a fellow in albuquerque, yesterday i think it was, he took this solution. the titillated sex agents wanted to put him through the scanner or grope him, his choice, and he said, fuck all yall, i'm not swallowing either one of those pills. he said, all yall ever heard of the fourth amendment? no, they hadn't, since if they weren't dressing up and playing cop they'd be frying burgers or digging hobo beans out of dumpsters. he said, irradiating me or patting me down is unreasonable search and seizure, all yall can't touch me or scan me if you don't have probable cause. if all yall think i'm some kind of goddamned threat, throw down and bust my ass. i fly this flight between albuquerque and colorado springs all the fucking time, and i'm not going to be treated like some common criminal. i'll rent a fucking car and fucking drive, i'll get there faster. and so he did.

      phoenix bird doesn't arise from the ashes until the previous bird has burned down to ashes. at the risk of sounding like a teabagger, enough is e-fucking-nough. if we have enemies we need to defeat, then goddamn it, let's fucking defeat those enemies. but no, instead of doing that, what do we do? we turn air travel into an insufferable, degrading farce. fuck it. just fucking fuck it. i have had e-fucking-nough. flying these days is for the birds.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        and he said, fuck all yall, i'm not swallowing either one of those pills. he said, all yall ever heard of the fourth amendment? … he said, .. if all yall think i'm some kind of goddamned threat, throw down and bust my ass. i fly this flight between albuquerque and colorado springs all the fucking time, and i'm not going to be treated like some common criminal. i'll rent a fucking car and fucking drive, i'll get there faster.

        Verbatim?

        1. slappypaddy

          no, but i got the gist of it. he's a former police chief, so he knows a thing or two about unreasonable search and seizure.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Agreed…what the parent should have done is leave the mag in the pocket and not say anything until every is off the plane and preferably on their way home. Then, leave an anonymous note in the bathroom saying, "Hey dumbasses…there's a loaded magazine in the pocket of seat 12a. Way to go, TSA gropenfuhrers!"

  13. Come here a minute

    Rather than reacting to the discovery of a gun clip by rescreening passengers, they should respond to all suspicious on-plane incidents by having a controlled crash of the aircraft into a building or field.

  14. cheetojeebus

    Seat back pockets are like crackerjack boxes, you'll never know what you'll find. lucky kid, i only got a full barf bag.

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    I heard someone say "they don't check your butt cracks yet; hide it there."

    And I said, "Mom, cut that out!"

  16. Allmighty_Manos

    Look, the TSA is charged with keeping guns off planes — there is nothing in there about bullets.

  17. 4tehlulz_lite

    If only President Obama had his wife and kids pat-down in public, this would never have happened.

  18. HistoriCat

    This is a lesson for us all – any attempt you make to be a good citizen and report potentially dangerous things you find will simply lead to your inconvenience/harassment. The best thing to do if you find weapons or drugs or other suspicious stuff is to just ignore it or hide it even better than it was before.

    And the last line is my favorite:
    "Passengers were allowed to deplane"
    How generous – thanks.

  19. ironboltbruce

    Nowadays if I need to get from anywhere to anywhere on the continent, a motorcycle is my primary–nay, exclusive–means of motorized transportation. Rain or shine, it's worth the extra time. And compared to the headaches, humiliations and horrors of post-9/11 TSA goodie grabs … chronic departure delays … tarmac torture sessions … and peanut-free (Hell, nothing's free) no-frills airline flights, that "extra time" can be a small price to pay. Allow me to explain: http://ldrlongdistancerider.com/32

  20. UmThatOne

    FBI agents are allowed to carry their weapons onto planes but they have to confer with the pilot and they are identified to the crew. That's probably how they knew what flight the agent was on.

    It must have been pretty embarrassing for the agent when he ran out of bullets at his raid the next day!

  21. BerkeleyBear

    It was a SW flight from SJ to Burbank and they only found a single mag? Damn, the official airline of the Piru Crips is slipping.

  22. policonoclast

    my childhood in a reddish area of a purplish state plus my confessional liberal arts education compels me to tell you atheist, abortion-loving welfare cheats that a "magazine" does not equal a "clip," despite what your favorite rap artist might say about it.

  23. mrpuma2u

    Just remember travelers, if a ninth grade dropout doesn't get to anally probe you in a scary airport backroom, the terrorists win.

    1. problemwithcaring

      Some good patriot would have unloaded that clip into an abortion doctor and not wasted it on annoying us "whiny liberals."

      As an aside, where are all the news opinion articles about "whiny" Americans when teabaggers are complaining about shit that's not even in the constitution like the right to carry guns into Starbucks and nativity scenes inside every school locker?

  24. notreelyhelping

    It'll help you sleep through tough flights, but, damn it, deputy, do not mix the Ambien with altitude and shitty airline wine.

  25. guangho

    I'd just like to remind you, in the words of former NYC Mayor (on 9/11!) Rudy Giuliana, that we had no terror attacks during the Bush administration. So obviously all our problems would go away if we suspended the 22nd amendment and bought G.W. back.

  26. Plowmon

    I wonder if it was a female and the mag wasn't in a purse or clutch of some kind that fit into the seatback pocket…

  27. transfatz

    Thanks for that. I vote that it was a blackout. I was wondering when someone would comment on what had to be a manual transfer of the magazine from personal possession to seat back pocket and just how dumb such a transfer would be. There was little danger to the plane or the passengers but I'd have to question this person's right to continue to carry.
    Oh, and forcing a re-screen of the passengers because of this is just plain ridiculous since the TSA must have been aware of the presence of the firearm and magazines aboard the plane. Since the initial screening wasn't faulty where's the logic in re-screening them?

    1. ttommyunger

      Logic? Logic? Surely you jest! This is the Gummint we're talking about here. CYA carried to infinity squared.

Comments are closed.