the death of christian conservatism

Christmas-Hating Republican Party Selling ‘Happy Holidays’ Ornaments

That does not help us delude ourselves into believing our religion is special and different!Conservatives are constantly telling us we are not allowed to wish people “Happy Holidays,” even if we don’t know their religion, and even if we are talking to freedom-loving Israeli settlers, because everyone everywhere should celebrate Jesus’ birfday. But apparently the Republican Party hates the baby messiah and his righteous Black Friday Taiwanese Blu-Ray players, because they are selling a “Limited Edition 2010 RNC Holiday Ornament” in their online store. WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HANG THAT, RNC, ON A “HOLIDAY” TREE? Are we supposed to attach it to a shrine to Malcolm X/Michael Steele on “Kwanzaa”? Heathens!

Who tricked our Chinese factory-children Magi into making such a disgusting thing? This sounds like a job for the American Family Association!

Randy Sharp, director-special projects at the AFA, said that in the past five years the group has seen the percentage of retailers recognizing Christmas in their advertising rise from 20 percent to 80 percent. Just eight retailers are left on the group’s list of “Companies Against Christmas.”

Well, perfect! They need a new store to bully out of showing respect for people from diverse backgrounds, and we found one for them. We will not be buying ANYTHING from the GOP store this Christmas until they apologize to the Baby Jesus for offending his Chosen People: White Evangelicals with too much time on their hands.

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Also, anyone who has ever voted Republican will now burn in Hell for this. [GOP Store/MSNBC via Wonkette operative "Brian M."]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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95 comments

  1. ttommyunger

    They have a helluva lot more than "time" on their hands. BTW, there is no length Repugs will not go to for the Almighty Dollar. I have no doubt any of them from Michael Steele on down would gladly suck Elephant Dicks at a Dime a herd if times were tough enough.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, that's certainly one way to look at it. In fact, it's the very best way to look at it.

      You get a well-deserved point for that unfortunate but wholly appropriate visual.

  2. binarian

    Oh, nice. What's this for? Festivus? Some bland, politically correct, non-Christian celebration? Shame on you Michael Steele.

  3. Maman

    Dang! They just lost their main group of folks who would buy this thing by refusing to allow unemployment insurance for the poors. Bad timing boys.

  4. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    It should be obvious by now that this is Obama's and Pelosi's fault, and that it's good news for John McCain.

    Also, today we are all Limited Edition 2010 RNC Holiday Ornaments.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Worse still, that ornament looks suspiciously like a feminized Medal of Honor. I expect an outraged column from Bryan Fischer pronto.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, how inclusive — they've got little hidden symbols for everybody. The six blue arches are the points of a mogen david; then there are the cute five-pointed (?!) snowflakes pointed towards the center of the ornament, which is a clear reference to the upside-down pentagram for the Satanists; the lengths of red bunting with the white flowers combine to form stars-and-crescents for our Muslim friends; the oak leaves have sprouted holly berries for all the Druids, and then there's the RNC elephant, which symbolizes the pedophiles. Well done, Michael Steele!

      1. problemwithcaring

        So we should except every blog that made a big deal about that Google "crescent" to be up in arms over this!

  7. hagajim

    WTF!?!!? Where is Papa Bear O'Reilly screaming about the Republican War on Christmas when you need him!

  8. Mahousu

    The ornament looks like the Capitol dome surrounded by six deformed penises.

    In other words, a typical Republican committee meeting. I applaud the RNC for their realism.

  9. Pragmatist2

    Republicans know that life is about tough choices and when forced to choose between Christian values and Jewish donors, they asked "WWND"?
    That is, "What would Nixon do?"
    Their Dick has never failed them.

  10. freakishlywrong

    will brighten the holidays and celebrate the historic gains in Congress.

    If by "historic" you mean 35% of The American People™ whom are old, white and scooter-bound.

  11. SorosBot

    For Christmas, the GOP has given the American people a cratered economy and gruel, each other luxury cars, and for corporate executives, blowjobs.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Pilate was a Republican? Then what was with that clemency programme, freeing either Barabas or Jesus (but not both)?

  12. sherriawilson

    Sure hope the super rich republicans get enough of these beauties to cover their holiday trees this year, just in case they are forced to pay taxes on their earnings after the first $250k next year…

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Count how many stars…isn't that the number of verses in the Koran???? (shameless rumor mongering!)

  13. PsycWench

    Republicans act in ways that are counter to their oft-spouted beliefs as soon as there's money to be made? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.

  14. magic_titty

    "Just eight [ ] are left on the group’s list of “Companies Against Christmas.”

    Those companies in question:

    Hebrew National Kosher Foods, Inc.
    Miramax
    Ben & Jerry's
    Calvin Klein
    Ralph Lauren
    Hershey
    Mount Sinai Medical Center
    Katz Delicatessen

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yes. Lisa Marie is saving them to auction at Christie's once her mother gives all their money to the Scientologists.

  15. Bluestatelibel

    So when can we expect Bill O'Reilly to be outraged by the GOP shilling secular "holiday" ornaments? Oh right, never.

        1. SnarkoMarx

          I've probably watched that movie about fifty times over the years. I even had a dog named "Hosehead"!

  16. SudsMcKenzie

    I'm going to hold off for the Boehner swinging ashtray X mas tree ornament. It's practical, and it will keep Lawyers busy in the new year.

  17. kenlayisalive

    Shouldn't a hat tip to Chris Christie be an image of a deep fried turkey stuffed with Mickey D's cheeseburgers?

  18. DustBowlBlues

    Can someone who doesn't care about losing pee points (I don't really know how they work but I don't ever post to conservatives, just in case Ken has Riley cruising those sites for wonkeratti to punish for being secret conservtards) please send this to that guy at AFA? And demand a reply?

  19. el_donaldo

    Hahaha. It's not yet Thanksgiving, and already Christmas is taking damage in the war against it. Collateral damage at that!

  20. Sue4466

    Huh. So, the same folks who routinely gay bash while having lots of gay sex are also hypocrites in the War on Christmas ™ too. Could not have seen that one coming, no siree.

  21. DustBowlBlues

    OT for this, but spot on for your comment. I was watching Book TV on CSPAN (yes, I know, I'm lame but I was cooking and couldn't follow a plot driven show and . . .I'm lame) and a guy who just wrote a book that looked pretty interesting book about the history of the constitution, or something, that I might buy if I could remember the author or the book, but whatever: A guy in the audience asked some rambling, bizarrie question about the Capital and the Masons and the author just kind of dealt with him like a gnat with sub-intelligence.

    The end. Now back to cleaning the house for the first time in a year–we were redoing everything and had no real floors so don't give me shit.

  22. Eve8Apples

    I bow to our new secular satanic overlords.

    If you hang two of those things upside down, side by side on the back of your pick-up truck, they kinda look like a pair of holiday TruckNutz.

  23. OzoneTom

    As if we needed any more evidence that the "Conservative" GOP is made up of main-stream centrists at the beck and call of Satan/Jewery.

  24. vulpes82

    I always love this one (incredibly creepy) marionette 'Twas The Night Before Christmas/The Nativity show PBS shows in December that was made in the 1950s by Bell Telephone which ends with "Season's Greetings and Holiday Cheer." Who knew Bell Telephone was such a bunch of commie un-Americans all the way back then in "The Golden Age"?

  25. user-of-owls

    Just for once I'd like to see a body-mangling stampede coming out of one of our slimy mega-churches instead of piling up more corpses in a place that doesn't need them, like say Cambodia.

  26. WarAndGee

    Trucknutz Inc. has never been on the "War on Christmas" list.

    Added to our inventory for 2010 is the "Truck Nutz Roasting On An Open Fire" limited edition Christmas ornament.

    Buy it. For Christ's sake.

  27. GOPCrusher

    Isn't that the amulet that Indiana Jones put on top of the staff to determine where the Ark Of The Covenant was hidden?

  28. DustBowlBlues

    Yeah, right. Because Republithugs are totally opposed to accepting money from corporations. Karl Rove and Buttseks for America: taking it wherever they can get it.

  29. donner_froh

    "Also, anyone who has ever voted Republican will now burn in Hell for this."

    Great news–particularly if the other side of the equation also works, that anyone who has never voted Republican gets a free pass to Heaven.

    All those years of voting straight Democratic with an occasional ballot for the Communist Party USA might pay off.

  30. Respitetini

    They're trying to compete with the annual White House Christmas ornament, right?

    Oh crap – my Huckabee-American inlaws are probably going to send one of these to my SDS mom this year. And no, I only wish I were kidding…

  31. comrad_darkness

    My cards this year are just going to say: "May the Solstice bring more sunshine to your life." Because I can't go wrong with that.

  32. JackObin

    I guess this should be called a "Police Action" on Christmas. I'm sure the soldiers at Fox News will be all over this like white on rice.

  33. Negropolis

    Surely, this is good news for John McCain.

    The American Family Association, eh? Maybe they should rename the association to more appropriately reflect its membership:

    The White, Christian, Hetereosexual (Impotent) American Family Association

  34. chickensmack

    Maybe they're actually being inclusive. After all:

    1. Their retail component started putting Christmas shit out after Labor Day
    2. The dentists really do love the extra work they get from Halloween
    3. "Let the market decide!", as more families enjoy open restaurants on Thanksgiving
    4. Black Friday… the Holiday foretold by a Profit!
    5. Lewis Hanukkhan, or whatever that no-pork deal is.
    6. Michael Steele and his Kwanzaa.
    7. Finally, we eventually get to Baby Jesus birthday.

    "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" is just making life easier for everyone.

  35. lulzmonger

    What a shame … I was really looking forward to their traditional "swastikas, dollar-signs & burning crosses" motif.

    Good thing they incuded their website on that thing – most of their supporters couldn't spell "GOP" if you spotted them the "G" & the "P."

    1. mrpuma2u

      If you look real close it looks like an anchor baby is being sacrificed on an altar to mammon or moloch or one of those deities they trot out in horror movies, which is where repubs get all their ideas for these rituals. The sacrificial baby was saved from abortion first, so it's Ok.

  36. Shar_S

    BARRY SOETORO
    Born: Honolulu; Aug. 4, 1961
    Nationality Indonesian (NOT AFRICAN OR AMERICAN)
    Enrollment: 1/1/1968 1st grade.
    Faith: Islam

    Hebrew name for lightening is BARAQ
    Hebrew name for high places is Bama
    And beautiful means Hussein .

    Rev 9:11 Destroyer

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