Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey.
The recipe is basically this: Tear up 10 entire White Castle hamburgers, pickles and* hamburger rolls and all, and stuff ‘em up a dead turkey’s asshole. Later, eat the entire disgusting thing along with any other food or non-food items in your path. Belch, wipe your hands on your sweatpants, turn on the ‘puter and see if any NRO readers have sent some porn so you can masturbate/cry to it, the end. [The Corner]
* It is noted in the comments that the recipe actually calls for the removal of the pickle slices, because why not be pointlessly picky when you’re grinding up fast-food meat pucks and stuffing them in poultry?
{ 139 comments }
God Damn its good to have you back Mr. Layne.
Seconded.
Thirded with an anus burger on top.
Yiffed.
Also'd.
Muscular Christ approves of Mr. Layne.
K-Lo Fists White Castle
a.k.a. Fisting by Proxy
On the bright side: If K-Lo's stomach is full of white castle burgers and turkey, there's less chance that she'll try to eat you.
On the dark side: Don't get in an elevator with K-Lo after she's eaten an entire turkey and 10 white castle burgers. Her increased mass will surely cause the elevator to get stuck between floors, and the confined space will quickly fill with greasy turkey-burger fart gas.
Harold and Kumar approve of this.
Stuff this K-Lo!
Pub Med Central? Your search for porn has taken an odd turn, sir or madam.
As a child I got all my porn from National Geographic. Moved on to medical textbooks when I discovered the university library.
Medical porn! Huge bizness. NSFW:
http://www.fetishmovies.com/category/111/FETISH-m...
Vis-a-vis the 4-cm. long chicken bone up that guy's ass:
Reviewing the literature it becomes apparent that most foreign bodies in the rectum are inserted via the anal canal, but occasionally some objects become arrested in the ano-rectal region following ingestion, most commonly animal bones associated with ingestion of food.
Don't that beat all. One more thing: I'm going to just pretend you're an MD, Mr. Clancy_Pants. And if you're not, la la la la la, I can't hear you.
Jeebus… at least it was "ingested" instead of "inserted."
The recipe actually calls for 20 anus burgers, knowing that K-Lo will be hungry while cooking, and only a few will actually make it up the bird's ass.
Hey, you can't spell "Turducken" without T-U-R-D.
and stuff ‘em up a dead turkey’s asshole.
Any excuse to exhume William F. Buckley, huh?
Oh, not just any excuse. This is clearly the best one.
Or Ronald Reagan.
Thought it was a reference to St. Ronnie of Hollywood.
Didn't she already do this video with Jonah the Whale, i.e. 2 turkeys, 1 cup?
I de-boned a turkey once, and put a whole ham inside it. That was the shit, I kid you not. I was going to say "I boned a turkey," but I knew you filthy fuckers would all be sniggering and getting with the "beavis and butthead" level comments (he said "homeowner, hehe hehe").
turkey fucker. anyway, it's ok ever since palin did that turkey snuff film/interview.
You said "snigger". Racist prommie.
Its a perfectly cromulent word.
Keep fucking that turkey.
Meanwhile, Catholics are waiting for the pope to clarify.
Oh yeah? I boned a turkey, a goose and a chicken all in one day.
Not de-boned… BONED I tells ya! BONED!!111!
Drink now?
Sex-ay.
What you do with your dick is your business, amirite?
See, you went to all that trouble for naught. You can't stop us, prommie, not even you.
You still said “boned”.
HUHUHUHUHUHUH
It's so wasteful/unAmerican of her not to combine these activities.
What setting on the blender turns fast food burgers into stuffing? Or does this recipe require you to rend the burgers by hand?
She kegels them.
Ew.
Gives new meaning to the old line "she chewed me up and spit me out," doesn't it?
Not during my lunch time – please.
Is there a good time to think about K-Lo shoving her twat full of McDonald's and then queeffing it out into a decapitated turkey's gut hole?
Maybe, like, moments before a shock therapy treatment but…that's about it.
Oh, oops. I meant that as a reply to the Kegels comment. That wasn't what you wanted to hear at all, was it.
So sorry.
And yet, it was really no worse than the original post.
oh. god.
Sounds like the worst porn movie ever.
Wait, wait, I thought of a way to make it worse: also in attendance? Jonah Goldberg.
Since they're conjoined twins forged in Satan's bubbliest cauldron, Jonah's presence is assumed.
I'm just glad she doesn't live out west: the thought of "K-Lo" and "In-n-Out Burger" in the same post is quite nausea-inducing.
Oh, fuck, now I've done it.
Huh..wha? Jack in the Box, you say?
Even worse when you consider that every In-n-Out Burger bumpersticker known to exist has been modified to read "In-n-Out Urge". Hey, it's what we do when Trucknutz are out of reach.
Ugh. And I thought the Double Down was nauseating.
Bleh! Why not just skip the whole "make this look vaguely like real food " charade and put all that crap in a blender with some lard and corn syrup, serve in funnels (no pesky chewing/lifting utensils/swallowing), and call it a day. You can add construction paper feathers to the funnels if you want to get festive.
Mmmmm. Now I'm gonna have to go dig out my Bass-o-Matic.
You mean it's not on your kitchen counter at all times?
Once it was decreed by Vatican II that fish was no longer mandatory on Fridays, it was displaced by my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville Machine.
That's great bass!
Hey, it's a holiday. Throw some Oxycontin and a few Viagra in there too. I call it Freedom Smoothie.
What does Thanksgiving have to do with anything? That's just K-Lo's typical mid-morning snack.
I love happy endings!
Why does the recipe specify "no pickles?" This is only something a drunk person would do, so why not just jam everything-onion rings, napkins and sporks-right up the turkey ass.
I don't want you to drunk-stuff my turkey.
I've never had stuffing with pickles in it, but I can't imagine they would make this any worse. I was despondent that because I'm on the West Coast I can't make this, and then I remembered the frozen White Castle burgers at Costco! Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!
It says the recipe was submitted "by a White Castle family" from Columbus, Ohio. What the fuck is a White Castle "family", fer god sakes? I got the trots from reading that porn.
It usually involves siblings….well, let's just say, to be part of a White Castle family, you have to be your own grandpa.
The Aristocrats?
From the site:
How do you sustain successful growth since 1921?
Being family-run, when others franchise, doesn’t hurt. It helps maintain the trailblazing attitude which made us the first fast-food hamburger chain. The first to sell a million hamburgers. The first to sell a billion hamburgers. And the first to sell frozen fast food.
But that would just be a part of the answer. In truth, our power comes from the undying loyalty of the Cravers across the nation. It is because of them and through them that we go on. The more you crave, the more we serve. And that is why we continue to grow. More on the menu, more locations on the map and more Cravers enjoying both.
White Castle is more than a company. It’s an experience that transcends time, space and sometimes, rational thought. For almost a century our unique approach has made our food the answer to what you crave. And we’re planning on that continuing long past 100 years.
TMFI.
I know, but "it's an experience that transcends rational thought" was too greasy-juicy not to share.
it's certainly an experience that eliminates the chances for a normal bowel movement, I can tell you that.
"Our secret ingredient? Heroin."
That's the place that just put Boehner protege and bank lobbyist Steve Stivers into Congress and kicked out my Congressperson, Mary Jo Kilroy (signed pledge to protect social security).
I think I'm about through with this place.
~
White Castle family = K-lo's 'loyal' fans (and yer own family don't mind the slider stank!)
Pat down the turkey before sticking any of this in the cavity, also. Cook for 45 minutes on high in a microwave or 6 years under an airport screener.
When does the weeping because no one loves/understands her & then the drunk dialing to Bill Kristol & Jonah Goldberg asking them why they've never invited her over to their places even though she asks them over for dinner every night commence?
"Hi Jonah, this is K-Lo, I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the minutes and ask you to consider something…"
Aw, fuck it.
The last recipe had percocet and whiskey sours, so I assume this one involves meth and Mad Dog.
This recipe is truly revolting. If you want meat in your stuffing, great. Why not use REAL ingredients, not processed anuses, sugar, and chemicals?
As far as I know the only thing that is natural is the meat.
http://www.whitecastle.com/nutrition/ingredients
Just imagine the deuce K-Lo drops after Thanksgiving dinner.
You're welcome.
Bastard!
I can't decide whether to giggle hysterically at this, or throw up a lung.
You don't show up much, but when you do…watch out!
I feel like someone just walked into my brain, farted, and walked out again.
There is no God
K-Lo Plop
No one is going to take a dump for a week after eating that slop. And when they finally do, it's going to be a smeary mess. You just know it.
I imagine she just sweats it out.
She's gonna need one of those heavy duty toilet seats and her wiping stick (ah, the products I've been introduced to by Wonketeers, thanks all!).
AFTER? You know this bitch shits her pants in mid-feed, that way they don't have to disconnect the hose from her snout.
fuck, perfectly good wine snorted thru the nose, AGAIN!
SO wrong that I laughed and laughed. Well played, sir.
So is this how National Review writers try to convince their white trash readership that they're "one of them?" Well, It won't work: they don't have White Castle down South. Lopez should have stuffed her Turkey with Hardees hamburgers instead.
BTW, this, according to Wikipedia, is what Lopez wants you to put in your turkey:
WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK IF YOU HAVE RECENTLY EATEN OR HAD PLANS TO EAT SOMETIME SOON… OR EVER.
I had never actually seen a White Castle burger. I was better off a virgin in that respect. Ugh.
As if you didn't need another reason not to live in the South. Mmm…food-like substance fried over onions and served on stale white bread bun…
We might not have White Castles, but we're all about Krystals (which all Southerners know should only be eaten at 3am, and preferably following an evening of heavy boozing).
Having lived both in the south and Chicago, Krystal's is pretty similar to White Castle. Both disgusting.
This has to be the most disgusting posting on wonkette, evah. Carry on, comrades! Also.
I ate at a White Castle once about 22 years ago.
True story!
too soon!
Yikes – I would just like to second Serolf_Divad's warning – do not click that link. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take some Pepto-Bismol and lie down for a while.
What is that?- tongue? That sure as hell isn't a burger, as a burger should be thicker, greasier and browner. And the fucking onions go on top, dammit!
since when ain't Indiana considered 'down South'? I mean hey, we got the Klan so that counts right?
WTF? You could trace art with that patty, it's so fucking thin. Unless it's an emo anorexic turkey, ten of those for stuffing are gonna leave a LOT of space inside the victim.
there goes my thanksgiving appetite. thanks, ken.
(i'm planning on making your cranberry business with dried cranberries and irish whiskey. prickly pear fruit, grated peyote, and mescal were my first choices, but i gotta go with what's in the house. i'll let you know how it turns out, unless i'm too drunk, stoned, and stuffed to remember.)
You are going to rehydrate them first? If not, they will dry out and burn fast. You might try soaking them in a half/half mix of orange juice and water until they plump up, then go from there.
The peyote is a nice addition.
thanks for the tip. i forwarded to the man behind the curtain. since i'm a cat and don't have thumbs, he gets to do the work. i get to lap up drippings, play the cello, and catch some of the game (hail mary passes are my favorites).
It's just not Thanksgiving without the monkey bread and white castle.
You know, the bad grammar in that sign just bugs the hell out of me.
I know, right. Even when you slip it some G, it's just wrong.
Gas at $2.49 is kinda irritating too. It's $3.15 right now, and I like to pretend it has always been this price.
Option #1:
You travel by air and get TSA meat-fingers stuffed in your ass, or they radiate your giblets and enjoy that feast.
Option #2:
Maybe you try to drive to grandma K-Lo's house and sit in traffic for 12 hours on the I-95 corridor. Hemorrhoids and road rage.
Result:
Grandma K-Lo's traditional turkey stuffed with sliders necrophilic food porn.
Imagine the leftovers!!1!
Then you have to return home by the same route.
It is a gastronomic obscenity and Lopez should be carted off to Thanksgiving Jail.
K-Lo digs White Castle? natch
She forgot to tell her readers to baste the bird with liposuctioned belly fat. They should all definitely do that, also.
They're not in to recycling.
This burger fuckery is one of the most hateful things anyone could do on Thanksgiving. Why not shove some crumbly white frozen dogs turds and saltines up inside the turkey instead? Same thing! Maybe healthier! I mean really – this is an act of aggression against things that are delicious. I would just as soon waste a perfectly good turkey in this manner as I would be likely to take a crap on the check-out conveyor belt at Jewel. Do not make me climb up there!
personally I prefer to stuff my Tofurkey with cranberries and carrots, but then I'm a vegan so that ACTUALLY tastes good to me!
You know what really would make this recipe a lot more appealing? If you drank a couple of Martinis (gin:vermouth::6:1, stir over ice, pour out, add olive) before and while preparing it, and then afterward had a couple of nice bottles of a 2005 Barolo. And then skipped the belly-bomber-stuffed-turkey part all together because it's disgusting, you shouldn't even give it to the homeless Poors, just take it out to the dumpster now because you don't want the dog to get in the trash, although she probably knows better.
Will grimey faced slobs eat this hellish nightmare while watching DWTS over and over again? It could happen, and I won't stand for it!
The replies to that post: "disgusting", "I just threw up" …
I submitted this to the comments.
A vomit stuffed turkey would be far more appetizing than White Castle gristle burgers crammed into a dead gobbler’s orifice. Can’t wait for the NRO cookbook!
Being a suck-egg-dog, do-good, nigger-lovin' liberal, my Thanksgiving will consist of things the Englishers actually had to eat in the early Seventeenth Century in Massachusetts, according to archeologists. That would include lots of sturgeon, lobster and oysters. Washed down with plenty of barley wine.
Whoa, guess who's coming to dinner?
No cod? Why do you hate cod fisherman, and therefore uhMEHRikka?
Ya know in old (1600's ish) New England there were laws on the books about how much lobster you could feed your indentured servants. It was looked on as poor people's food more fit for sloppin' the hogs back then, much as modern folks would look on eating 'possums or woodchucks or the like. It's a fact in the library of Congress. You can learn more about food nerdery in your local library. If the library of Congress is your local library, you probably don't even go that much.
My good fellow, cod is for Papists! But, yes, I love the good old Library of Congress. Spent many a happy hour there, looking up Victorian erotica and so forth. I also know about lobster being slave food. That's why I have it for Thanksgiving — I see eating lobster on that day as a form of Christian humility. On other days, I eat it to remind myself that I'm really, really well-off.
White Castle or porn: either way K-Lo craves a sack.
why even get the turkey involved? just cram 10 white castle burgers down your gullet and call it a day. k-lo is such an elitist.
is k-lo the jean teasdale of the national review? nah, the writers of the onion didn't imagine jean teasdale to be that lonely, stupid or gluttonous.
Nah, she's Cathy
White Castle? This is White Trash Turducken.
That sign is an obvious fake.
Regular for less than $2.50 a gallon? Where – Saudi?
In Tucson, I've paid less than $2.50 all summer. But I'm not Mexican so I escape surcharges I'm sure they figured out some way to add.
If I remember the initial Anus Burger sign post correctly, it's from the central Virginia area near Lynchburg, the home of Jerry Falwell's megachurch and Liberty University. I went to college nearby, and gas tended to be cheap there. It was a pretty sweet place to live aside from, you know, all the fundamentalists, and the most active nightlife being at the Sonic and/or Wal-Mart.
Don't know where else to post it, but that cranberry relish is great, Ken. Thanks.
And she's against universal health care? Mrs. Creosote has the right to debase her already corpulent frame but publishing that recipe is like giving a drunk politican a loaded pistol.
Has she ever gone without any food for more than a few hours? If she wants to tell the world's population how to live, think, and pray she should try the standard diet of so many of them–about 400 calories a day.
I read the recipe and it specifically said " NO PICKLES". It did not inform me how to cook the bird so I assume deep fat fried.
K Lopez is the personification of http://thisiswhyyourefat.com.
Most stuffings ingredient lists sound like floor sweepings or garbage pail contents but this one goes that one tiiiny theeeeen waffferrr past disgusting. I used to be revolted by giblets and apples tossed in this shit, now Sliders!?! Also putting anything in the cavity of a roasting bird these days is a monogrammed invitation from the Salmonella fairy to pay a visit to your GI tract. Don't stick nothin' up birdies behind, bake your stuffing seperately!
This kind of thing is basically begging for a cavity search, jesus.
"10 White Castle hamburgers, no pickles"
No pickles? Why do you hate America you sexless nasty word?
$2.49 a gallon?
Boy, that must be from the good ol' days.
Not if you drink one of their shakes as well, that mess usually tears through you in about 8 hours.
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