thanksgiving at the corner

K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Happy Anus Burger-Turkey Day!Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey.

The recipe is basically this: Tear up 10 entire White Castle hamburgers, pickles and* hamburger rolls and all, and stuff ‘em up a dead turkey’s asshole. Later, eat the entire disgusting thing along with any other food or non-food items in your path. Belch, wipe your hands on your sweatpants, turn on the ‘puter and see if any NRO readers have sent some porn so you can masturbate/cry to it, the end. [The Corner]

* It is noted in the comments that the recipe actually calls for the removal of the pickle slices, because why not be pointlessly picky when you’re grinding up fast-food meat pucks and stuffing them in poultry?

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Sparky McGruff

    On the bright side: If K-Lo's stomach is full of white castle burgers and turkey, there's less chance that she'll try to eat you.

    On the dark side: Don't get in an elevator with K-Lo after she's eaten an entire turkey and 10 white castle burgers. Her increased mass will surely cause the elevator to get stuck between floors, and the confined space will quickly fill with greasy turkey-burger fart gas.

    1. rmjagg

      the turkey-burger fart gas then reduces the other elevator occupants to paralyzed , quivering masses of jello , which is her favorite dessert sometimes …

    1. Katydid

      Vis-a-vis the 4-cm. long chicken bone up that guy's ass:

      Reviewing the literature it becomes apparent that most foreign bodies in the rectum are inserted via the anal canal, but occasionally some objects become arrested in the ano-rectal region following ingestion, most commonly animal bones associated with ingestion of food.

      Don't that beat all. One more thing: I'm going to just pretend you're an MD, Mr. Clancy_Pants. And if you're not, la la la la la, I can't hear you.

  2. the_problem_child

    The recipe actually calls for 20 anus burgers, knowing that K-Lo will be hungry while cooking, and only a few will actually make it up the bird's ass.

    1. sewollef

      There were several reasons I became a vegetarian and reading about 'anus burgers' is too uncomfortably close to the truth of meat products and meat production. Yeuk.

  3. prommie

    I de-boned a turkey once, and put a whole ham inside it. That was the shit, I kid you not. I was going to say "I boned a turkey," but I knew you filthy fuckers would all be sniggering and getting with the "beavis and butthead" level comments (he said "homeowner, hehe hehe").

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Oh yeah? I boned a turkey, a goose and a chicken all in one day.
      Not de-boned… BONED I tells ya! BONED!!111!

      Drink now?

    2. Katydid

      What you do with your dick is your business, amirite?

      See, you went to all that trouble for naught. You can't stop us, prommie, not even you.

  4. CapeClod

    What setting on the blender turns fast food burgers into stuffing? Or does this recipe require you to rend the burgers by hand?

        1. kenlayisalive

          Is there a good time to think about K-Lo shoving her twat full of McDonald's and then queeffing it out into a decapitated turkey's gut hole?

          Maybe, like, moments before a shock therapy treatment but…that's about it.

        2. kenlayisalive

          Oh, oops. I meant that as a reply to the Kegels comment. That wasn't what you wanted to hear at all, was it.

          So sorry.

  5. m_supercomputer

    Sounds like the worst porn movie ever.

    Wait, wait, I thought of a way to make it worse: also in attendance? Jonah Goldberg.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm just glad she doesn't live out west: the thought of "K-Lo" and "In-n-Out Burger" in the same post is quite nausea-inducing.

    Oh, fuck, now I've done it.

    1. jim89048

      Even worse when you consider that every In-n-Out Burger bumpersticker known to exist has been modified to read "In-n-Out Urge". Hey, it's what we do when Trucknutz are out of reach.

  7. Jerri

    Bleh! Why not just skip the whole "make this look vaguely like real food " charade and put all that crap in a blender with some lard and corn syrup, serve in funnels (no pesky chewing/lifting utensils/swallowing), and call it a day. You can add construction paper feathers to the funnels if you want to get festive.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Once it was decreed by Vatican II that fish was no longer mandatory on Fridays, it was displaced by my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville Machine.

    1. AngryGeometer

      Hey, it's a holiday. Throw some Oxycontin and a few Viagra in there too. I call it Freedom Smoothie.

    2. Beowoof

      Hey get a penis shaped mold and then bake at 350 for an hour and boom, an old fashioned Thanksgiving, amirite.

  8. XOhioan

    Why does the recipe specify "no pickles?" This is only something a drunk person would do, so why not just jam everything-onion rings, napkins and sporks-right up the turkey ass.

    1. Trinket

      I've never had stuffing with pickles in it, but I can't imagine they would make this any worse. I was despondent that because I'm on the West Coast I can't make this, and then I remembered the frozen White Castle burgers at Costco! Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!

  9. bitchincamaro2

    It says the recipe was submitted "by a White Castle family" from Columbus, Ohio. What the fuck is a White Castle "family", fer god sakes? I got the trots from reading that porn.

    1. XOhioan

      It usually involves siblings….well, let's just say, to be part of a White Castle family, you have to be your own grandpa.

    2. V572625694

      From the site:

      How do you sustain successful growth since 1921?

      Being family-run, when others franchise, doesn’t hurt. It helps maintain the trailblazing attitude which made us the first fast-food hamburger chain. The first to sell a million hamburgers. The first to sell a billion hamburgers. And the first to sell frozen fast food.

      But that would just be a part of the answer. In truth, our power comes from the undying loyalty of the Cravers across the nation. It is because of them and through them that we go on. The more you crave, the more we serve. And that is why we continue to grow. More on the menu, more locations on the map and more Cravers enjoying both.

      White Castle is more than a company. It’s an experience that transcends time, space and sometimes, rational thought. For almost a century our unique approach has made our food the answer to what you crave. And we’re planning on that continuing long past 100 years.

        1. V572625694

          I know, but "it's an experience that transcends rational thought" was too greasy-juicy not to share.

          1. kenlayisalive

            it's certainly an experience that eliminates the chances for a normal bowel movement, I can tell you that.

    3. ifthethunderdontgetya

      That's the place that just put Boehner protege and bank lobbyist Steve Stivers into Congress and kicked out my Congressperson, Mary Jo Kilroy (signed pledge to protect social security).

      I think I'm about through with this place.

  10. Wilcoxyz

    Pat down the turkey before sticking any of this in the cavity, also. Cook for 45 minutes on high in a microwave or 6 years under an airport screener.

  11. Texan_Bulldog

    When does the weeping because no one loves/understands her & then the drunk dialing to Bill Kristol & Jonah Goldberg asking them why they've never invited her over to their places even though she asks them over for dinner every night commence?

    1. Katydid

      "Hi Jonah, this is K-Lo, I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the minutes and ask you to consider something…"

      Aw, fuck it.

    2. Beowoof

      Thanks that worked in my sick mind and now I will be stuck with the image of K-Lo on a spit with Kristol at one end and Goldberg at the other.

  12. Doglessliberal

    This recipe is truly revolting. If you want meat in your stuffing, great. Why not use REAL ingredients, not processed anuses, sugar, and chemicals?

    1. Mojopo

      No one is going to take a dump for a week after eating that slop. And when they finally do, it's going to be a smeary mess. You just know it.

    2. kenlayisalive

      She's gonna need one of those heavy duty toilet seats and her wiping stick (ah, the products I've been introduced to by Wonketeers, thanks all!).

    3. Crank_Tango

      AFTER? You know this bitch shits her pants in mid-feed, that way they don't have to disconnect the hose from her snout.

    1. Doglessliberal

      I had never actually seen a White Castle burger. I was better off a virgin in that respect. Ugh.

    2. V572625694

      As if you didn't need another reason not to live in the South. Mmm…food-like substance fried over onions and served on stale white bread bun…

    3. elviouslyqueer

      We might not have White Castles, but we're all about Krystals (which all Southerners know should only be eaten at 3am, and preferably following an evening of heavy boozing).

      1. MsQuasimodo

        Having lived both in the south and Chicago, Krystal's is pretty similar to White Castle. Both disgusting.
        This has to be the most disgusting posting on wonkette, evah. Carry on, comrades! Also.

    4. HistoriCat

      Yikes – I would just like to second Serolf_Divad's warning – do not click that link. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take some Pepto-Bismol and lie down for a while.

    5. natoslug

      What is that?- tongue? That sure as hell isn't a burger, as a burger should be thicker, greasier and browner. And the fucking onions go on top, dammit!

    6. Dashboard_Jesus

      since when ain't Indiana considered 'down South'? I mean hey, we got the Klan so that counts right?

    7. lulzmonger

      WTF? You could trace art with that patty, it's so fucking thin. Unless it's an emo anorexic turkey, ten of those for stuffing are gonna leave a LOT of space inside the victim.

  13. slappypaddy

    there goes my thanksgiving appetite. thanks, ken.

    (i'm planning on making your cranberry business with dried cranberries and irish whiskey. prickly pear fruit, grated peyote, and mescal were my first choices, but i gotta go with what's in the house. i'll let you know how it turns out, unless i'm too drunk, stoned, and stuffed to remember.)

    1. Doglessliberal

      You are going to rehydrate them first? If not, they will dry out and burn fast. You might try soaking them in a half/half mix of orange juice and water until they plump up, then go from there.

      The peyote is a nice addition.

      1. slappypaddy

        thanks for the tip. i forwarded to the man behind the curtain. since i'm a cat and don't have thumbs, he gets to do the work. i get to lap up drippings, play the cello, and catch some of the game (hail mary passes are my favorites).

    1. problemwithcaring

      Gas at $2.49 is kinda irritating too. It's $3.15 right now, and I like to pretend it has always been this price.

  14. Radiotherapy

    Option #1:
    You travel by air and get TSA meat-fingers stuffed in your ass, or they radiate your giblets and enjoy that feast.
    Option #2:
    Maybe you try to drive to grandma K-Lo's house and sit in traffic for 12 hours on the I-95 corridor. Hemorrhoids and road rage.
    Grandma K-Lo's traditional turkey stuffed with sliders necrophilic food porn.
    Imagine the leftovers!!1!
    Then you have to return home by the same route.

  15. Ducksworthy

    She forgot to tell her readers to baste the bird with liposuctioned belly fat. They should all definitely do that, also.

  16. Mojopo

    This burger fuckery is one of the most hateful things anyone could do on Thanksgiving. Why not shove some crumbly white frozen dogs turds and saltines up inside the turkey instead? Same thing! Maybe healthier! I mean really – this is an act of aggression against things that are delicious. I would just as soon waste a perfectly good turkey in this manner as I would be likely to take a crap on the check-out conveyor belt at Jewel. Do not make me climb up there!

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      personally I prefer to stuff my Tofurkey with cranberries and carrots, but then I'm a vegan so that ACTUALLY tastes good to me! :)

  17. V572625694

    You know what really would make this recipe a lot more appealing? If you drank a couple of Martinis (gin:vermouth::6:1, stir over ice, pour out, add olive) before and while preparing it, and then afterward had a couple of nice bottles of a 2005 Barolo. And then skipped the belly-bomber-stuffed-turkey part all together because it's disgusting, you shouldn't even give it to the homeless Poors, just take it out to the dumpster now because you don't want the dog to get in the trash, although she probably knows better.

  18. Mojopo

    Will grimey faced slobs eat this hellish nightmare while watching DWTS over and over again? It could happen, and I won't stand for it!

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I submitted this to the comments.

      A vomit stuffed turkey would be far more appetizing than White Castle gristle burgers crammed into a dead gobbler’s orifice. Can’t wait for the NRO cookbook!

  19. MiniMencken

    Being a suck-egg-dog, do-good, nigger-lovin' liberal, my Thanksgiving will consist of things the Englishers actually had to eat in the early Seventeenth Century in Massachusetts, according to archeologists. That would include lots of sturgeon, lobster and oysters. Washed down with plenty of barley wine.

    1. mrpuma2u

      No cod? Why do you hate cod fisherman, and therefore uhMEHRikka?

      Ya know in old (1600's ish) New England there were laws on the books about how much lobster you could feed your indentured servants. It was looked on as poor people's food more fit for sloppin' the hogs back then, much as modern folks would look on eating 'possums or woodchucks or the like. It's a fact in the library of Congress. You can learn more about food nerdery in your local library. If the library of Congress is your local library, you probably don't even go that much.

      1. MiniMencken

        My good fellow, cod is for Papists! But, yes, I love the good old Library of Congress. Spent many a happy hour there, looking up Victorian erotica and so forth. I also know about lobster being slave food. That's why I have it for Thanksgiving — I see eating lobster on that day as a form of Christian humility. On other days, I eat it to remind myself that I'm really, really well-off.

  20. GravyBoyJohnson

    is k-lo the jean teasdale of the national review? nah, the writers of the onion didn't imagine jean teasdale to be that lonely, stupid or gluttonous.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      In Tucson, I've paid less than $2.50 all summer. But I'm not Mexican so I escape surcharges I'm sure they figured out some way to add.

    2. m_supercomputer

      If I remember the initial Anus Burger sign post correctly, it's from the central Virginia area near Lynchburg, the home of Jerry Falwell's megachurch and Liberty University. I went to college nearby, and gas tended to be cheap there. It was a pretty sweet place to live aside from, you know, all the fundamentalists, and the most active nightlife being at the Sonic and/or Wal-Mart.

  21. chascates

    And she's against universal health care? Mrs. Creosote has the right to debase her already corpulent frame but publishing that recipe is like giving a drunk politican a loaded pistol.

    Has she ever gone without any food for more than a few hours? If she wants to tell the world's population how to live, think, and pray she should try the standard diet of so many of them–about 400 calories a day.

  22. An_Outhouse

    I read the recipe and it specifically said " NO PICKLES". It did not inform me how to cook the bird so I assume deep fat fried.

  23. Rotundo_

    Most stuffings ingredient lists sound like floor sweepings or garbage pail contents but this one goes that one tiiiny theeeeen waffferrr past disgusting. I used to be revolted by giblets and apples tossed in this shit, now Sliders!?! Also putting anything in the cavity of a roasting bird these days is a monogrammed invitation from the Salmonella fairy to pay a visit to your GI tract. Don't stick nothin' up birdies behind, bake your stuffing seperately!

  24. DashboardBuddha

    "10 White Castle hamburgers, no pickles"

    No pickles? Why do you hate America you sexless nasty word?

        1. SorosBot

          Haven't you heard from our nation's retailers and advertisers, Christmas season begins around late September now.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Who the hell are all those people?
      Oh look, there I am, two years ago. I'll never change, obvs.

    2. MissTaken

      Just got done digging through the coupon section of the paper with some coworkers (we're donating food to the food bank and looking for more bang for our buck). The fucking White Castle Stuffing Recipe was listed on one of the coupons for frozen sliders!! It's a Festivus Miracle!

      1. UW8316154

        Just don't ask about "She (wolf) Who Shall Not Be Named"…I'm afraid it might summon her from the fiery depths.

        1. MissTaken

          is that the one who would posts pictures of her dogs and some cabin near a lake? Or maybe I've already said too much.

          1. SorosBot

            If I remember correctly he deleted his original account, but later created a new one along with some fake accounts (like the Eleanor Roosevelt one) that people quickly figured out were him, all in the fallout of his making some seriously inappropriate comments in the wake of the Giffords shooting.

            And shh, don't say the name, you might summon him!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You are assuming that there are actual organic bits in those burgers rather than being entirely synthetic.

  25. BornInATrailer

    I eat (and drink) like a hog, am a bit of a foodie and a fair cook and I have no problem with more "unusual" items.. yet my stomach just did some flips at the thought of stuffing a turkey with torn up fast food hamburgers.

    1. widestanceromance

      Her secret-recipe "All Up in My Folds" Green Bean Tragedy?

      Actually, just making them guests is punishment enough.

  26. SexySmurf

    Did we just go back in time? No one step on any butterflies (Romney might become president) or tell Anthony Weiner Twitter is not email (because I want to keep making jokes about that).

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      What happens if I go back and make a reply to a comment I made 104 weeks ago? Seems there might be come kind of anomaly generated in the time-space continuum, and we'll all become Republicans or something.

      1. gullywompr

        Actually, this is the new reality. In the original 2012, before these recipe reposts, Romney was president-elect. I like this new 2012 much better. Thanks Wonkette!

    2. SorosBot

      Should we warn our past selves not to go see Being Elmo, because that will just break our hearts in another year?

          1. MissTaken

            Wait, whut? I'm living in Singapore. You're blowing my mind!

            Hey, have you heard of that new show The Event? I hear it's real good and will be on for many seasons!

          2. SorosBot

            I'm pissed off that America seems to have given up on trying to catch Osama bin Laden, and after the last election how Andrew Breitbart will be annoying us for decades to come.

          3. Chet Kincaid_

            Oh yeah, and Aaron Sorkin is going to have a TV show on HBO where people have really hackneyed conversations about stuff that is happening in the New York Times in your time!

    3. BaldarTFlagass

      This is just like that Final Countdown movie where the Nimitz went back in time to December 6 1941!!!!!

    4. SexySmurf

      Hey, this is SexySmurf from 2014. This is for SexySmurf from 2012. The winning Lotto numbers are 12, 24, 27, 33, 58. Also, in a few months you're going to meet a chick with a slamming rack who works at Bed Bath & Beyond. Stay the hell away from her.

  27. Chet Kincaid_

    Cool, the Wonkette Stealth Time Machine! Everyone's replying to comments from 104 weeks ago! What if I should meet 2-Years-Ago Chet here and alter the course of future Snark?!

  28. MissTaken

    103 weeks ago the Teabaggers had just rolled into Congress on their hoverounds and K-Lo told us she likes to stuff 10 White Castle Sliders in the cavity of a dead carcass.

    I don't miss 2010.

  29. Misty Malarky

    True Christian-Americans stuff their turkey's arse with Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches.

    Pickles included, dammit.

  30. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Wouldn't it be faster just to stuff the white casuls up my own ass, along with those cakes we like?

  31. BeefHardcake

    "White Castle Thanksgiving Stuffing" being the answer to a question nobody, NOBODY ever asked.

    I hope.

  32. Tommmcatt_Again

    I was going to read this post but then I noticed that the headline contained the words "K-Lo" and "stuffed" and realized that things were probably going to go south pretty quick…

Comments are closed.