thou shalt not publish thy editor's wife

Sally Quinn Squeezes Religion Into Op-Ed About Bristol Palin’s Dancing

My secret fantasy is to be on “Dancing” but of course I would never dare. I can see Len saying in a caustic British accent, “That was absolutely the worst Paso Doble I have ever seen in my 11 seasons on this show!” And Bruno, standing up, tearing at his hair, “What are you thinking?! Where is the passion? The sexuality? The character? That was PATHETIC!” And Carrie Ann, regretfully: “Sally, you’re a good journalist. Why do you want to put yourself through this?”

My husband and I are “DWTS” fanatics. We plan our social life around it, often regretting invitations that fall on the night of the show. Only in emergencies would we try to TiVo. Not only that, but I vote. Under the show’s rules, you’re allowed to vote five times on one line. I have six lines at home and my cell, so I vote as many times as I can for my favorite.

Yes, a “good journalist.” This Washington Post “On Faith” feature is really hilarious. Jon Meacham just wants to compare political figures to biblical figures, whereas Sally Quinn just wants to continue writing her dumb op-eds about her dumb personal life. But it’s supposed to be about religion! So:

I never remember all Ten Commandments off the top of my head, but there should be one that says, “Thou shalt not cheat while voting on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Polls have shown that the majority of tea party members are conservative Christians. Are these Christians who are voting 300 times and not using valid email addresses? Doesn’t it offend their sense of fairness, if not ethics and morals?

[WP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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58 comments

  1. SorosBot

    As an atheist who went to Catholic school and does still remember the Ten Commandments off the top of my head, I guess Sally doesn't remember that one says, "Thou shall not commit adultery." Another says "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife," but it doesn't mention husbands, so I guess she gets off on a technicality there.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Sally Quinn? Bristol Palin? Religion?

    Suddenly, I have this Pedro the Lion lyric running thru my head: "she opens her legs wide/ is that what you love her for?"

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Sally Quinn should really be more careful when she writes — I think Carrie Ann has a good slander case there.

  4. donner_froh

    What we find out about Sally Quinn in this column:

    1) She thinks she is a good journalist and would like some validation on that from a TV person.

    2) She thinks she needs six phone landline phones in her home and is too crazy for anyone to argue with her about it.

    3) She wouldn't mind a bit of public humiliation (and maybe a touch of the lash across her dried up haunch).

    4) She is an idiot.

    1. V572625694

      Why compromise? I'd go full-on Medal-of-Freedom for this one. Just because she fucked her way into her sinecure doesn't mean she isn't a genius.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Thanks, Jack, as you've presented me with a true dilemma of who to hate more: Sally Quinn for writing this brain-atrophying POS, or the moronic WaPo commenters who swooped in to defend old Bristle Britches for her pluck and tenacity.

  6. freakishlywrong

    This could be a metaphor for things to come. Sarah Palin is a force to be reckoned with and if her supporters can influence a TV show of 23 million viewers they can have more serious influence on elections. And if they can mobilize the religious right then the Democrats better pay attention and start dancing as fast as they can.

    This is so rife with pointless stupid I don't know where to begin. IF they can mobilize the religious right? What the fuck? God, this vapid idiot has a column?.

    1. Bluestatelibel

      If they had a "more serious influence on elections," we'd have President McCain and a Repub Senate. The stupid never ends with them.

    2. Crank_Tango

      I have it on good authority that ACORN is about to perpetrate the biggest reality show voting fraud in history. Which is good news for McCain, natch.

  7. el_donaldo

    My parents came into town, and they're apparently huge fans. So we all sat and watched last night. Bristol's dances were just huge fucking train wrecks – she's all dumpy and stiff and just going through the motions of it. Really just awful and hard to watch.

    If there were a merciful God, she would definitely lightning bolt the shit out of that sound stage and just end it. Just end it.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Shee-it, if she thinks Len can be caustic, heaven help her if she ever ran into the other Brit judge we have over here in the UK. Just search youtube for Craig Revel-Horwood, and watch him tearing a few new a***holes.

  8. OkieDokieDog

    My "secret fantasy" beats hers all to hell, and it doesn't involve DWTS or the Ten Commandments. Well unless there's one about NOT tying up my secret fantasy in the basement and doing all kinds of naughty things to him. Dunno. I'm a Heathen, so I
    don't keep up with all those biblical crap rules.

  9. horsedreamer_1

    From WashingtonPost.com commenter 'Jihadist':

    Jennifer Grey vs. Bristol Palin?

    Out with Dirty Dancing and in with Dirty Voting?

    More likely, "out with 'Dirty Dancing' & in with Dirty Vagina".

  10. Serolf_Divad

    The sad thing is: teabaggers probably do feel more acute pangs of guilt from voting twice for Bristol Palin than they do for their vociferous support of torture.

    1. HateMachine

      To be fair, keeping Bristol Palin on national television isn't far off from torture for all parties involved.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Sally Field has two Academy Awards that say otherwise.

      & Sally Draper, while fictional, is still giving you the stink-eye.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I wondered that as well. In the last picture I saw, between the weight, the dress, and her hair, she looked like a frigher frigate under sail.

    2. q_tion_evrythng

      Looks like at least one someone poked a hole in that reviginization thang Bun in the oven? Spanx can conceal, but check some still views of last nite's dance.

    3. BeWoot

      Bristol is lazy. (Have you seen the rehearsal videos?) She phones it in from right there in the studio. That's why she is the first DWTS contestant to ever make it past week two without losing weight.

  11. GuyClinch

    "My secret fantasy is to be on “Dancing”…"

    Why does the terrible WaPo have to be your diary? In future, please keep your secret fantasies just that–secret.

    Also, Lou Reed wrote a song called Sally Can't Dance, so there.

  12. Billmatic

    I don't like it when people admit to planning their lives around television as if it is anything other than completely embarrassing for everyone involved. Of course old people generally have really pathetic social lives that often get interrupted by television (or at least they say that since all their friends are old and watching teevee) but they should really be ashamed of it, much like someone with high end armor on world of warcraft should keep it secret and realize how unbelievably embarrassing it is.

  13. Lascauxcaveman

    That's what I was going to say. These DWTS voters are gonna pretty mad when they find out that the get to vote for Sarah only once. And not at all if they forget to register.

  14. chickensmack

    So two people (she and her husband) care enough to call a single number thirty-five times. This is a drunk dial if I've ever heard of one.

  15. mavenmaven

    Norman Lear? He's still alive? Did he at least call Bristol a meathead, at least once for old times sake?
    And suddenly I have an image of Archie and Edith holding misspelled signs at a tea bag rally.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Calling Bristol a meathead will only trigger self cannibalism. That girl has not met a Red Meat hot dog or wild meat she could turn down.

  16. ttommyunger

    Obviously Sally's plastic surgeon went a little too deep with the knife a couple of times. She isn't even making sense, now.

  17. PsycWench

    I have learned something important from reading this: Some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    I saw the one clip of Bris dancing dressed in black, expressionless, with one thick, white, conical ham sticking out. All I could think was, "when was the last time I had a gyro?"

  19. GOPCrusher

    "My husband and I are “DWTS” fanatics. We plan our social life around it, often regretting invitations that fall on the night of the show."

    This has to be the saddest thing ever written.

  20. transfatz

    I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. She votes six times but voting three hundred times is wrong, because of the lord Skeezix and the Ten Functions. Where's the curve breakpoint here, how sharp is the knee? Hallelujah, I want to quantify!

Comments are closed.