Oh look, somebody sent us this “fact sheet” so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline Pilots Association:
1. Travelers over 65.
2. Women with high risk of breast cancer
3. HIV and cancer patients with weak immune systems
4. Adolescents and children
5. Pregnant women
6. Men (due to possible sperm mutagenesis)
In other news, unemployment will soon be solved by a massive “die off” (of people wealthy enough to fly). ALSO: Children under 12 will now receive “modified” pat-downs, meaning the TSA slobs will no longer ejaculate in the child’s eyes. [FireDogLake]
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For fuck's sake, Layne. You're supposed to unpack this one day at a time, like a porn-scanner pedophile finger-banging advent calendar.
So in other words they want nothing but young adult women to get into the porn machines. I'm surprised "fatties" wasn't also a no-go category.
Well done, pervert TSA goons!
You'd think that would be the group they'd be recommending for the enhanced molestation pat down (with the extra special cavity search). Or does that come AFTER the porno scan?
If the scanner room's rockin', don't bother knockin'!
So the only people that should go through the "look at you naked machine" are healthy women between the ages of 18 and 35.
….WAIT A MINUTE!!!
7. No fat chicks or ugos.
Healthy women, let us take a peek.
So basically no one should enter the death tube.
If you're a man it will scramble your sweet cream so that your next kid is "The Fly".
Women, with tits, should not enter the death tube because you have tits going in but they fall off as soon as you get to the other side.
Preggers… don't go in the death tube, the kid will one eye and two heads.
Over 65, it will fry your autoimmune system and by the time you get to the gate, you'll have contracted every disease known to man and few more.
HIV people, this is God's way to punish you for not using a condom…
People with weak immune systems need to be in a bubble with John Travolta.
Little kids stay at home, you're a pain in the ass to travel with.
Fuckin' Morans, put the entire population and future population at risk for some very serious problems.
Wait, so when this all turns out to be true and people start dying, we as taxpayers have to foot the bill or can we sue the manufacturers?
And don't forget Chertoff for recommending this brand of pronscanner.
We can sue, but they will need a federal bailout so that the economy can continue to be grown.
Wow, the terrorists really have won! And defrocked priests are especially encouraged to apply at TSA.
You can talk me into a pat-down, the wife could watch
That's very kind of you… but you'd only get your pat-down after my wife delivered a beat-down.
But, hell. We're talking about Thanksgiving travel day. You're already waiting, and the swelling will go down eventually.
Children?! If we're going to survive as a species, we should irradiate our youngsters — otherwise we'd better just move into underground salt domes now since we won't be able to stand the ultraviolet. Besides, half of the Japanese kids at the end of WWII were irradiated, and look at that country now! We should be demanding that they turn those scanners up to 11 for the kids.
Have you seen Akira?
What if he wants to use his tongue on 'Big Jim and the twins'? Does he still have to buy you dinner?
I adore you for that "Big Jim and the Twins" line.
Diamonds. Or an Aston-Martin.
Well, as long as he has all of his teeth and he doesn't want 5 minutes of uncomfortable eye contact.
(due to possible sperm mutagenesis)
But how else am I going to have a child that will grow up into a superhero?
Home schooling?
Set it up so that you and your wife are gunned down by a mugger while your child watches when he or she is about nine or ten. It helps to have a shitload of money for them to inherit, too.
I like Thanksgiving. It's the fucking postmen trying to feel my nuts or give me cancer that I'm opposed to. And spending time with family.
Maybe now the planes won't be so full.
Are you implying our sperm might survive a trip through the digestive system and crawl from the cornhole to the cooch, that's pretty awesome. Next you will be telling me they will be crawling like bedbugs all over public sitting areas.
Hey! These death chambers were tested on no less than Michael Chertoff himself. You've seen pictures of him, right? The radiation obviously hasn't done any damage to him.
Radiation, yes indeed! You hear the most outrageous lies about it. Half-baked, goggle-boxed do-gooders telling everybody it's bad for you. Pernicious nonsense! Everybody could stand 200 security screening x-rays a year. They should have them, too.
America deserves the next generation of mutant children we get through this just for being so stupid about terrorism.
Well as anyone who's studied physics knows, "Any individual who thinks they might be pregnant," not just the confirmed pregnant, should stay the hell away from radiation. (Action quote from professor in a Modern Physics lab class.) So, you know, anyone trying to get pregnant or who does not want an abortion but is having sex with a man.
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