INSTITUTIONAL FRAILTY  2:22 pm November 22, 2010

‘One or Two’ Passengers Can Wreck Entire TSA, Apparently

by Ken Layne

You're gonna need a smaller plate.You might think a nationwide workforce so well-trained in stealing iPods and loose change would be able to withstand a few “nah I don’t want to get cancer” opt-outs, but that is not the case! The government’s finest child-molesting force is so fragile and worthless that “just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport is all it takes to cause huge delays,” according to the American Society of Travel Agents. Gosh, sounds like this country is screwed.

The TSA is in the midst of a full media blitz this week as it prepares (?) for millions of air travelers being faced with porno-scanners and aggressive ass-grabbing and vaginal probes for the first time. The Obama Administration’s top airport security guy has “urged passengers angry over safety procedures not to boycott airport body scans,” according to the AP, and an airline travel trade group is saying that basically one or two people choosing not to be sprayed with cancer waves is enough to cripple America’s airports.

“Just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport is all it takes to cause huge delays,” said Paul Ruden, a spokesman for the American Society of Travel Agents, which has warned its more than 8,000 members about delays resulting from the body-scanner boycott. “It doesn’t take much to mess things up anyway — especially if someone purposely tries to mess it up.”

Body scans take as little as 10 seconds, but people who decline the process must submit to a full pat-down, which takes much longer. That could cause a cascade of delays at dozens of major airports, including those in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Atlanta. nationwide security programs, “there is a continual process of refinement and adjustment to ensure that best practices are applied.”

Ha ha, right. So when the rules are completely different from day to day and especially from airport to airport — a baby bottle is Osama bin Laden at one screening line, coffee cups full of whisky and hand grenades are welcome at others — that’s just the “continual process of refinement and adjustment to ensure that best practices are applied.”

Also, for the brown-nosers in the comments who want to encourage everyone to be Good Germans, it should be noted again that these porno-scanner machines aren’t even used in Israeli airports, and that the peculiar idiocy of shuffling shoeless through a conga line of gropey security slobs is restricted to America. [Associated Press]

 
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{ 147 comments }

qwerty42 November 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm

But Ken, if we don't get groped while shuffling shoeless through the pornoscanners, the terrorists win. nevar forget.

JadedDissonance November 22, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Shuffling Shoeless Through the Pornoscanners is my new band name.

SnarkoMarx November 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm

I hope lots of people opt out and cause huge delays in airports so my goddamned relatives can't make it here for Thanksgiving dinner.

fundamentallybroken November 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

If ever there was an upside…

ALIVE! November 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm

63 points after 1 hour … make that 64 points. We sure do hate our relatives, don't we?

BeWoot November 22, 2010 at 4:16 pm

The holidays are times when we want to be with those whom we love most, who love us most and know us the best. But no. Instead, we spend holidays with our families.

el_donaldo November 22, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I'm staying home this holiday season where I can have my coffee cup full of whisky in peace. But if anyone has handgrenades, bring them over. I've got a big ravine we can throw them into so long as you wait for the hunters to get out of the way first.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Why wait for them to vacate?

Fuck it. Pats-Lions, Saints-Cowboys. Buncha tequila, rum, and whiskey in the sideboard. Gourmet frozen pizzas in freezer. I ain't even gonna drive anywhere for Thanksgiving.

weejee November 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

'Zactly, might be Dick Cheney out there within' hiz shotgunz.

Grizzlyalbert November 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm

Dick Cheney?

Grenades away!

MARCdMan November 22, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Ken, you do realize that doing one of these opt-out gropings requires somebody in the TSA to actually get up out of their chair? That kind of inconvenience it guaranteed to cause delays.

horsedreamer_1 November 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

the peculiar idiocy of shuffling shoeless through a conga line

So, Gloria Estefan is the brains behind 9/11?

anniegetyourfun November 22, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Everybody gather 'round now
let your body feel the heat.
Don't you worry if you can't fly
let the scanner move your feet.
It's the rhythm of the airport
and like security, so sweet.
If you want to do the conga
you've got to hand over your meat.

Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the groping getting stronger
Don't you fight it till you've tried it
Do the conga beat

bitchincamaro2 November 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Uh so, where's the scanner that will detect the guy wearing the body-bomb who's prepared to blow himself up and everybody with him whilst waiting in the security line? It's going to happen, and when it does every airport in America will come to a standstill.

Ken Layne November 22, 2010 at 2:35 pm

And then somebody will put a car bomb on the freeway at the airport exit, and all the interstates will be closed down … and then, eventually, it will be bombs in the trash cans at shopping centers. That's what the IRA did, without ever having to go through a metal detector or porno scanner.

bitchincamaro2 November 22, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Hold me.

DCValleyGirl November 22, 2010 at 4:54 pm

When I lived in Paris, they didn't have any outdoor trashcans for this very reason (bombs in trashcans, just not IRA-placed ones).

fritz_lang November 23, 2010 at 9:44 am
fritz_lang November 23, 2010 at 3:05 pm

That would never happen.

Or, look up "Rome and Vienna airport attacks" on Wikipedia.

SorosBot November 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

TSA, do you what else causes huge airport delays? Ridiculous time-consuming security theater, that's what.

V572625694 November 22, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I do you what!

facehead November 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

What's more embarassing? Getting the full body scan (reduces the spread of cooties), getting the rub (sans tug) down, or knowing that diaper sales in Afghanistan are rising because Terrorism can't stop shitting itself from laughing at us?

twogoats November 22, 2010 at 3:04 pm

You know if Cheney was still President, TSA would announce that actually these devices were put in to stop the spread of bed bugs which has been revealed (via "enhanced interrogation") to be part of another THreat to Our Freedoms, for which they hate us, and the LSM would say, "oh" and go back to sleep, the sheeples would stop bitchin' and problem solved.. But no, you god damned libruls wanted a President with a pulse. So, we got airport delays and bedbugs. And the FLOTUS making us eat healthy.

DebC2 November 22, 2010 at 4:28 pm

No, baby, if Cheney was still Prez, we'd be getting a face full o' buckshot if
we didn't want to play porno scan. Then after we submitted to the cancer
rays he'd shoot us anyway!

kenlayisalive November 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

What's important here is that millions of dollars worth of these machines are purchased by the government so that Michael Chertoff can continue in the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to.

Forget about your withered, usefless "junk" and think about this man's passions for the finer things in life people. Are you so selfish?

Jukesgrrl November 22, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Who owns the company that makes the scanners? Neil Bush?

kenlayisalive November 22, 2010 at 2:51 pm

I'm not sure about the owner of the company, but the Times was saying Chertoff was traveling the country talking up these things without disclosing he was a paid spokesman for the makers.

Darthhippy November 22, 2010 at 2:54 pm

My Utah State Representitives relatives. Chertoff.

V572625694 November 22, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Rapiscan. Honest.

forgracie November 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm

We have met the terrorists and they is us…..

OneYieldRegular November 22, 2010 at 2:35 pm

My apologies for any holiday delays any of you might experience on my account, but the current lack of physical attention in my life pretty much requires that I opt for the pat down.

thecryingeagle November 22, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Me too. This is as much action as I am going to get over the holidays so you can all just wait a couple of minutes.

Darthhippy November 22, 2010 at 2:55 pm

They way I figure I would rather scream the first person to touch my junk in a years time is going to be a TSA person but if I can donate the money and have a choice in pat down tsa agents I would gladly continue.

RedneckMuslin November 22, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Don't worry bout it. I'll balance it out by walking thru the checkpoint buck naked. While TSA is puking, it should allow many to slide by.

An_Outhouse November 22, 2010 at 5:41 pm

I just bought a plane ticket. Getting molested at the airport sounds like the most fun I'm going to have for awhile.

imissopus November 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm

I went through LAX on Sunday and was disappointed there were no porno scanners/pat-down options, as I was looking forward to getting some action after a long dry spell.

the_onceler November 22, 2010 at 2:35 pm

"for the brown-nosers in the comments who want to encourage everyone to be Good Germans"

Ken: if you actually have a brown nose and body, objecting might get you shipped off to Gitmo!

PublicLuxury November 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

You won't go to GITMO. You'll be shipped to the 'Merican tearist camp, The Palin Family Compund in Wasilla, AK. Pack your bags mutherfucka.

V572625694 November 22, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Wait a minute…did you pack these bags yourself? Did anyone else have custody of these bags since you packed them? Are there locks on the suitcases?

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:11 pm

you ain't gonna be bringin' no bags. the only bag you'll need is the one they ship you out inside, and they'll provide that.

the_onceler November 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm

well, if that's what it takes to protect American from the terrorists.

Jukesgrrl November 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm

I'm going to the airport to opt-out even though I'm not going anywhere.

bitchincamaro2 November 22, 2010 at 3:18 pm

You are the sand in the Vaseline.

Come here a minute November 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm

My Wonkette tells me it is miserable to be alive in America, I have no argument with that. So why would I care about the cancer scan? To quote our greatest president, "Bring it on." Or as Al Qaeda might say, "Please sir, I want some more."

Pragmatist2 November 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Great! The American Society of Travel Agents has now scared half the nation into not TRAVELING. Way to read your mission statements, guys.

OC_Surf_Serf November 22, 2010 at 2:41 pm

They might as well make these seXray scans useful for everybody involved and tell me if I have testicular cancer or spots on my liver or something informative

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I wonder can they do me a colonoscopy when I fly to Providence at Christmas.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:12 pm

they only do those on overseas flights. and in prison, though they don't use the same methods.

FNMA November 22, 2010 at 2:43 pm

A wise man once said that those who trade liberty for having their junk fondled by strangers deserve neither.

Darthhippy November 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

He also said beer was proof that god wants us to be happy.

BeWoot November 22, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I don't mind having my junk fondled by strangers, provided the price is right. But driving all the way to the airport and standing barefoot in a long line for it is just too much to ask.

DebC2 November 22, 2010 at 4:32 pm

And who was that wise man…..Glenn the Beck? Stated while fondling his
own junk……

kenlayisalive November 22, 2010 at 2:43 pm

So weird, I feel like we're trapped between the meaningless competition of the two stupidest groups of people on the planet.

One thinks they can make us "safe" by rubbing each of our genitals or putting us in a cancer box, while the other thinks they are being really, really scary when they fail to blow up some packages of toner they sent in the mail.

Face it, the TSA can never catch these guys – they get on the planes, they send stuff in the mail, they park a car in Times Square – but the terrorists NEVER are able to make their bombs go off. TSA success rate 0%, AQ success rate, 0%.

I'd just like to say to both the TSA and the AQ: Leave us alone, you fucking feckless morons. Both of you.

donner_froh November 22, 2010 at 2:44 pm

A new fantasy game to put a spark back into your boring sex life: gropey but strangely attractive TSA screener and innocent but knowing recalcitrant passenger, behind the Death X-ray Machine.

twaingirl November 22, 2010 at 3:44 pm

ah, yes. can't wait for all the fanfic….

DebC2 November 22, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Yes, meet your TSA dwarves…..Feely, Gropy, Dopey, Masher, Fuckwit, Carcinogen,
and Chertoff. Assume the position, bitches!

freakishlywrong November 22, 2010 at 2:44 pm

the peculiar idiocy of shuffling shoeless through a conga line of gropey security slobs is restricted to America

Other than leaving off "bacon mouthed", that's my new email signature.

the_onceler November 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm

My wife and I were traveling in India and we did a long train trip and we were joking about how slow it was (hahaha, India is so backwards). Then I did a quick calculation and found that it was actually quicker than Amtrak's "high speed" Acela train on the northeast corridor between DC and Boston. It also cost $8 per person.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:15 pm

we are so fucked.

sherriawilson November 22, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Or could that be how we ended up with teh Boehner?

LionelHutzEsq November 22, 2010 at 2:49 pm

So, if Al Qadea was smart, instead of trying to get people to blow themselves up or stuffing toner cartridges full of C4, they should just get a few people to go to every airport in Muslim garb and declined to be irradiated to scare the heck out of Juan Williams and bring the system to its knees.

jim89048 November 22, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Remember the last time you rode a roller coaster and got your picture taken, and someone at the exit line tried to sell it to you? This could be a real small business bonanza for someone at the airports, since most Real Americans® fat slobs haven't seen their own junk in 10 or 20 years.

Pop_Socket November 22, 2010 at 2:52 pm

The TSA's mission is to acclimate Americans to mindlessly obey arbitrary authority. Catching an actual terrorist would be gravy. Wake up sheeple.

LionelHutzEsq November 22, 2010 at 4:15 pm

That's Glenn Beck's thesis…, or, to put it more accurately, that is what the voices in his head keep saying.

JoeMamased November 22, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Gosh, sounds like this country is screwed.

Only because it is.

V572625694 November 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Travel agents are readily available to give quotes to newshounds because what else have they got to do?

Seriously: do they still exist? I'm an Old and I can buy tickets on-line.

And Ken's right about Israel. They don't use the scanners because they don't work. They don't profile either, because in Middle-Eastern airports, everybody "looks like" a terrorist!

the_onceler November 22, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Are you implying that Jesus is not white?

V572625694 November 22, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I think he was one of Henry Ford's nine Jews who secretly rule the world, wasn't he? Along with Einstein, Freud and Marx…

zhubajie November 22, 2010 at 7:32 pm

Look at some of those Byz mosaics of Jesus as Emperor. He's not blonde or blue-eyed.

slithytovesss November 22, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Actually, they do profile, but it's not about profiling people's ethnicity, it is about profiling their behaviors and dress.

HistoriCat November 23, 2010 at 11:32 am

That sort of activity requires skills, intelligence and training. We're too damn cheap in this country to pay for that.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:17 pm

in american airports, everybody "looks like" a moron.

UmThatOne November 22, 2010 at 3:43 pm

But they do take every single thing out of your luggage and carry ons as soon as you enter the airport…and question you for 10 minutes or more until they can figure out whether you are a threat or not.

DoctorAwesomus November 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

No no, you're only allowed to show sympathy to the poor, the working class, and barely-scraping by if it allows you to indulge in A Wonkette Entry About How Much Things Suck in America. In other threads, they are to be ridiculed and made fun of as the dumbshits that are Making Things Suck in America.

Your cheatsheet:
Poor dumb fucks having to beg for turkeys on Thanksgiving — objects of sympathy
Poor dumb fucks working a terrible job that inconviences you — cretinous slack-jawed thumbstumpers
Poor dumb fucks angry about shit but who can only articulate by voting Tea Pary — the worst thing in the entire world

Please use Poor Dumb Fucks according to whatever feels good as an outlet for whatever blog-empowered rage might be churning inside you at the particular moment.

<– servicey

DashboardBuddha November 22, 2010 at 3:09 pm

We need a dumbfuck identification system, like the terror threat level thingy.

nounverb911 November 22, 2010 at 4:43 pm

John Boehner is already at orange alert.

DashboardBuddha November 22, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Well played.

jus_wonderin November 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Having had a rural up bringing, I can atest to the fact that, yes, "one or two" recalcitrant cows can muck up the farmer's objective. The cows get all testy if the line of sight is not clear, if you push them too fast, if you don't let them go through with their cow-friends and a host of other cow percieved obstacles that take their little cow brains off the cow journey. In the end, they'd be all hyper and happy about having been wormed or washed or vacinated and you'd wonder what all the fuss had been about.

I just thought my recollections of the farm fit in here, somehow. Also.

Eve8Apples November 22, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Doesn't the rancher just eat the recalcitrant cows first?

gurukalehuru November 22, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Oh, they do. They do.

Nigel November 23, 2010 at 12:13 pm

So you're saying that the TSA should hire Temple Grandin to design the checkpoints?

CapeClod November 22, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I understand that the American Society of Travel Agents will be sharing convention space this year with the International Brotherhood of Ice Delivery Men.

Eve8Apples November 22, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I thought getting felt up at the airport was the "giving" part of Thanksgiving.

Boredw/Gravity November 22, 2010 at 3:29 pm

It could be the "thanks" part as well, if you haven't had a date in a really long time.

SorosBot November 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Then can I have Mr. Fantastic's powers, please? I figure the stretchable and bendable penis would really attract the ladies.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm

I predict that the next giant evolutionary leap forward for humans will indeed be the prehensile penis.

sati_demise November 22, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Guess you dont travel by plane much here. I can tell you these 'securty' people have stolen shit out of my suitcase, deliberately picked people to frisk who were in danger of missing their plane (one pathetic example being a very old man who was confused and late), and they laughed when they threw away my expensive body lotion. ha ha

My boyfriend travels with precious metals and he gets searched every single time. these TSA agents have no common sense….. they have broken & fucked up his goods by mishandling them—even when we calmly say, 'please, dont do that'..they act like they are shopping at QVC.

forget the fact that I inadvertently smuggled a deadly pocket knife through x-ray three times before putting it in my check on-then they stole it out of my check on bag. If there was some 'system' in place it only seems to cause problems for travelers instead of catching teh terrorists.
Lets see the score:
TSA- 0
terrorists-2
(underwear & shoe bombers-not exactly scoring, but they did manage to get buckled into their seats on the plane)

XOhioan November 22, 2010 at 3:27 pm

It's Theatre, for sure. I was allowed to board with an X-acto knife in my carry-on. (It was for an art project, and I forgot to remove it) In contrast, my husband's plastic dental scraper, which is about as sharp as a #2 pencil, was confiscated.

babyeinstein November 23, 2010 at 10:13 am

last thanksgiving i got on board with – unknowingly! – a piece and a little less than an eighth in an inside pocket of my purse. when i opened my bag on the plane and saw it i nearly had a heart attack.

i've never known whether to chalk that up as yet another example of TSA incompetence or a rare example of a TSA employee going "eh, she's harmless, let's not unnecessarily cause a scene here."

SorosBot November 22, 2010 at 3:07 pm

It's a great strategy to help our ailing economy, by putting everyone through this no one will want to travel, so foreign tourists who don't have to put up with this shit anywhere else won't be traveling to and spending money in America, and Americans won't travel to other cities and spend money. Oh wait, did I say help? I meant hurt, hurt our ailing economy.

bitchincamaro2 November 22, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I don't know. I thought foreign tourists would revolt when fingerprinting at customs became mandatory, yet they haven't stayed away. I think people will put up with shit until it's coming out their ears.

Radiotherapy November 22, 2010 at 3:09 pm

So glad to see a government bureaucracy, created by the Cheney Administration, as an overrreaction to a bogieman threat, considered all the options and had contigency plans whilst mandating a profitable, unproven new technology. All the while, the wingtards are blaming it on Obama. Brazil lives.
I am still considering wearing a Speedo when I fly next time.

Boredw/Gravity November 22, 2010 at 3:31 pm

I'm taking the kids to Disney at Christmas — I'm wearing mouse ears and flip flops and that's about it through the security line.

weejee November 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Hope are aren't flying out of/in to Bemidji or Fairbanks soonly as you might look like a Smurf on arrival and give new meaning to Elvis' Blue Christmas.

Radiotherapy November 22, 2010 at 4:07 pm

I'll put the cyanosis in cynic and the shrinkage in Xmas wrap.
OK, if its northern climes, how about a Speedo and a Snuggie?

Badonkadonkette November 22, 2010 at 3:09 pm

these porno-scanner machines aren’t even used in Israeli airports

I'm pretty sure that's because Israel has a very robust racial profiling system, which involves strip & cavity searching everyone who isn't a card-carrying Israeli.

I'm personally OK with the porno scans, both because (a) I don't like having to choose between being blown out of the sky and furiously rubbing down a Nigerian stranger's crotch with a wet towel, and (b) enjoy the show, bitches.

Lazy Media November 22, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Nope. What they do in Israel is ask you where you're coming from, and where you're going to and why, and IGNORE YOU IF THOSE ANSWERS ARE INNOCUOUS. You know how many terrurists are going to get on a domestic flight between Des Moines and Atlanta? That's right, exactly none. Ever.

brosephgoebbels November 22, 2010 at 6:32 pm

They only ignore you if the answers are innocuous and your name sounds like Abramowitz. If you look like Habeeb, you get shuttled away from the nice parts of the airport for a level 6 interrogation. If you're an American, they ask you intense questions about why you're visiting, who you're staying with, and how Jewish you are. If you pass the quiz, then they scan your underwear with a 3D luggage xray.

Sadly, I didn't get a pat down from the hot female soldiers with big guns and a thousand yard stare.

zhubajie November 22, 2010 at 7:36 pm

"If you look like Habeeb"

About 1/2 of Israelis look like Habeeb

Radiotherapy November 22, 2010 at 3:39 pm

If I go with the grope-a-dope, I'd love to time a day old turkey and molasses granola fart on this mess. Reverse aromatherapy, if you will. Reconsider, bitches.

Extemporanus November 22, 2010 at 3:09 pm

This holiday season, I encourage everyone to prove they are Good Germans by giving the gift of one way train tickets to hell.

SorosBot November 22, 2010 at 3:35 pm

The train is socialism; real Americans will only take the Highway to Hell.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:58 pm

i'll work on that if it will make me free.

JoeMamased November 22, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Ow!

bitchincamaro2 November 22, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Snark off and only slightly o/t, but one of the brightest and most brutally honest and brave American thinkers died over the weekend. Chalmers Johnson wrote, among other things, "Blowback", a classic foretelling of 9/11 and one could safely argue, the current hubbub with porno scanners. Well done, sir. You're in a better place, now.

ChurchofRealism November 22, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Fuck you, TSA! Attica, Attica, Attica…..

Wilcoxyz November 22, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Can we get the wingnuts lathered up that many known child molesters have applied for airport security jobs? I have now typed it onto the Internets, so it's pretty much true.

thefrontpage November 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm

I was travelling this past weekend, and I looked at the name tags of some of the TSA screeners at National Airport. Here are some of the names of the TSA screeners at National Airport:

–Mark Foley

–Larry Craig

–Don Sherwood

–D. Vitter

–K. Kilpatrick

–E. Spitzer

OneDollarJuana November 22, 2010 at 4:36 pm

And that guard by the "back door"? R. Santorum.

XOhioan November 22, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Shit. Mom said I could either bring hand grenades or sweet potatoes. Guess what big dummy chose!

PublicLuxury November 22, 2010 at 3:23 pm

"lemons into lemonade" When the TSA guy gropes me and then does the body cavity search and then somehow I just end up pregnant… Tell me Sharron do I have to have the TSA guy's baby?

The entire system is fucked.

If Israel can go without scanners and gropings and probes than so can we.

the_problem_child November 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Skirt, no underwear. It's okay, they're wearing hand condoms, so it's not like they can give you AIDS.

finallyhappy November 22, 2010 at 3:40 pm

So when I travel tomorrow- can I ask for the results of my mammogram and dexascan-I mean why go through those tests later on- can't the TSA just do it?

jim89048 November 22, 2010 at 3:42 pm

So much for my McRib death sandwich for lunch idea.

slithytovesss November 22, 2010 at 3:43 pm

But they won't let you carry on anything bigger than a large purse, either.

You say this like it's a bad thing. I have seen very few carry ons that could actually be carried on. It seems like most people are wrestling their life possessions onto the plane so they can squash my modest briefcase or backpack. Honestly, why do we fly?

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 3:56 pm

"It seems like most people are wrestling their life possessions onto the plane so they can squash my modest briefcase or backpack."

have you seen the homeless these days? long gone are the days of a bundle of goods tied in a kerchief on the end of a stick. they all push shopping carts loaded with crap they fish out of garbage bins.

"Honestly, why do we fly?"

to slip the surly bonds of earth, reach out a finger and touch the face of god? no? that's not it?

slithytovesss November 22, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Your avatar and my avatar should get together. They would make beautiful babies if my avatar were not snipped, and if yours were of opposite sex.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 4:11 pm

i am my avatar. i have rarely been opposed to sex, but it has gotten me into more trouble…

HistoriCat November 22, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Do what I do and just lick yourself down there. Sure, humans look at you funny but what do they know?

Pragmatist2 November 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Great news! All we have to do is find these 2 people and things should go smoothly.

Ducandy November 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm

I bought a one-way fare to Phoenix for the 24th out of LAX. When I am being felt-up my the obese, probably black, illiterate dip-shit "officer" I am going to do my best imitation of a ground-breaking, ball-exploding orgasm!

"Yes. Oh, yes. YES! YES!!! YES YES YES! OH MY GOODDD!!! YES! YES! YES!

Thanks for the free semen-release, pal."

slithytovesss November 22, 2010 at 4:04 pm

With a one-way fare? Good luck on your detention…

Ducandy November 22, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I'm sure I will have a lot of interesting company. I haven't been arrested since I marched with my "negro" friends at Ohio State in '68.

TimeCubist November 22, 2010 at 3:48 pm

porno-scanners and aggressive ass-grabbing and vaginal probes

Really, this sounds like my ideal budget weekend getaway.

Ducandy November 22, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Pop a Viagra on the way to the airport!

mrblifil November 22, 2010 at 3:50 pm

best practices = fist covered in lard prior to rectal penetration, Caligula-style.

mrblifil November 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Actually all the hand jamming into orifices and down articles of clothing will be defended as "pre-Turkey Day turkey preparation practice" on the part of the elite crew of security specialists making top dollar saving us from terrism. Make mine Cornbread and Scallion Stuffing please!

magic_titty November 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I would exact my revenge by groping the TSN security people, but have you seen them?

GOPCrusher November 22, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Personally, I would find it hilarious if someone went full Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally in the airport security line while getting a pat down.

Redhead November 22, 2010 at 4:02 pm

"Body scans take as little as 10 seconds, but people who decline the process must submit to a full pat-down, which takes much longer. That could cause a cascade of delays at dozens of major airports, including those in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Atlanta."

So before the use of porno scanners (six months ago), when everyone walked through metal detectors and some (brown/large-boobed) people were "randomly" selected for additional screening and pat downs on a regular basis, did it cause a cascade of delays and a break down in TSA functioning?

I mean yeah, they don't really function at any kind of workable capacity ever, but shouldn't they at least have practice by now?

AntonovBureau November 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I can confirm that Putin's communist Russia currently has those scanny things. And, you don't want to know what happens to you if you do not submit. It ain't no simple anal probe.

Ducandy November 22, 2010 at 4:16 pm

And based on what they do in fucking Russia we should be glad we aren't being raped with barb-wire wrapped bats?

SorosBot November 22, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Those of us who aren't poor black immigrants who piss off the NYPD, anyway.

AntonovBureau November 22, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Oh, no, you got me all wrong. Russia is too light-weight. Being raped by barb-wire wrapped bats is only a simple next step in Cheney's master plan.

The TSA, being government-run, is socialist. Therefore, we should create a market based system for security screening which is exclusively awarded to Blackwater on a 100-year non-cancellable contract. Only then can we acheive full waterboarding and other more effective tactics for proving who is a terrorist on airplanes

gullywompr November 22, 2010 at 9:38 pm

In Russia, airline flies YOU!! (straight to a gulag if you give them any shit at security)

Ducandy November 22, 2010 at 4:14 pm

OK, new plan: Approach men in the terminal before they enter sekurity. Offer them a Viagra and a swig of water. Can you imagine the havoc a half-dozen men with raging-boners would cause?

I may be on to a movie script here. Hey, my idea first!

angryspittle November 22, 2010 at 4:49 pm

The republic is fucking dead. It died on December 13th 2000. We are now just realizing how fucking insane we have become. I said in 2001 that 9/11 knocked the sense out of the whole damn country.

pbasch November 22, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Well… Israel has a very different situation – ONE major airport, and passengers are delayed for HOURS with interviews. It's effective, and called for, for not a model we could probably institute. And Americans, used to be given lollipops just for sheer existence, wouldn't tolerate being questioned for a half hour, just to get on a plane.

lochnessmonster November 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm

With flu season upon us, will they be changing their gloves for every grope? I don't want someone else's germs wiped all over me. Where is the sanity in this? This is as stupid as the terror alert color scale no one talks about anymore. And, as a breast caner survivor, I don't want the porno scans either. Can we get a note from our doctor that it is against our health both physical and mental to be subjected to such invasion of our private-cies? Like the guy said, Tiffany's has security but you never see it.

luke_warm November 22, 2010 at 7:25 pm

No problem with the pat downs or the concept of the scanner, because at least they protect us from the crazy fuckers who plan poorly, but I'm a long way from trusting the morons in the TSA to properly calibrate radiation dosages when similar machines are delivering erroneously high dosages in doctor's offices.

AKMark November 22, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Folks, remember credit where credit is due (and blame where it is due).

DHS/TSA is a cabinet level department, and the head, Janet Napotalano reports directly to Obama. He is allowing this abuse of our constitutional protections less than two years after swearing to uphold and protect them.

The TSA agents are not even allowed a union and do not make decisions, that is entirely at the whim of management, and changes not only airport to airport, but shift to shift..

lulzmonger November 23, 2010 at 12:57 am

The perils of institutional frailty – better or worse than the heartbreak of psoriasis?

babyeinstein November 23, 2010 at 10:14 am

WE MUST PROMOTE THIS

FoxyO_Wiley November 23, 2010 at 11:52 am

The TSA grope is foreplay for the Mile High Club. Mmmmm

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi November 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm

grope public for paycheck
or
sell 9/11 scam for paycheck

AKMark November 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Sure, it might draw attention, but the agent is still unemployed and there is still a line of new applicants to take the job.

The net 'public' result is nothing, The agent is just replaced by someone new who may not care at all about rights. New hires are remarkably more … compliant.

The public should be pressuring Obama, we should not need TSA agents to carry the battle by becoming unemployed in this job market.

slappypaddy November 22, 2010 at 5:15 pm

oh, humans, those poor things. they think they know so much, but they know so little, and the only critters they're fooling are themselves.

time to play the cello.

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