willow for president!

Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot

Nobody wants the one who pooped out a baby.Important political magazine Life & Style (is this that Tina Brown/Newsweek thing?) just sent us a very important news update on Willow Palin, the hot teen sensation of Discovery Channel’s new travel video, White Trash On Drugz. According to unimpeachable sources (other white trash kids in Wasilla), Willow is such a piece of trash. Plus she is so dumb, she buys marijuana in Alaska, where it is free and grows everywhere — except anywhere around a Palin, as the only food that doesn’t wilt in the presence of a Palin woman is something assembled by Taco Bell. Let’s learn all about parking lot life in Wasilla, at 1 a.m., with your favorite “first family,” the Palins!

Willow is hot in today’s Amurukuh because she is not all worn out like her old babymama sister, what’s her name. Let this be a lesson to rural teens nationwide: Get that abortion so you can stay sexxxy and keep partyin’ in the parking lot.

Here is what this magazine sent us, in an email, about the newest Palin sensation:

Several former peers of the 16-year-old have gone on-record to exclusively reveal to Life & Style that Willow took part in a 1am drug deal, and that she “chugged” vodka when she was just 15.

Lance Nezaticky, a former classmate of Willow’s, tells Life & Style that he watched as Willow took part in a drug transaction in a deserted Target parking lot in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska, around 1 a.m. on a December night last year. Lance, 18, watched as a male driver pulled up, with Willow riding in the passenger seat. The driver bought $20 worth of marijuana, says Nezaticky, then handed it to Willow. “It was definitely her,” Nezaticky tells Life & Style. “There’s no question. I had met her before.” After buying roughly 2 grams of pot, Willow and her companion drove off. “Willow had been told that the pot was really good stuff,” Nezaticky recalls.

You should go check this shit out, we bet! This is probably the main magazine in the check-out aisles wherever you redeem food stamps for Diet Coke and frozen pizzas. [Life & Style]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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163 comments

      1. Oblios_Cap

        Another example of Palin's funnelling of our tax dollars to make life in Wasilla plusher!

        Taxed Enough Already, Taking America Right, Dammit!

  1. CablinasianDem

    Willow's coming of age will baffle future scientists in determining which Palin is Patient Zero for the largest syphilis outbreak in Alaska's history.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Wow, thank you for that mental image. My dick just wrapped itself in teflon and kevlar.
      That's gonna make a great case on House M.D. isn't it?

    1. charlesdegoal

      On the other hand, where else can you find out that Kim Zolciak is has been impregnated by boyfriend Kroy Biermann?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Yep, and apparently Kim is another proud graduate of the Bristol Palin School of Abstinence Only, God Hates Condoms, Sex Ed: "While it certainly wasn't planned, God obviously had a bigger plan for us."

      2. mayor_quimby

        Kim Zwhatever has definitely fucked 'up' this time. Now she is knocked up by an (white!) NFL player.
        Beats being a mistress. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

    1. natoslug

      Wasilla good stuff == seeds, stems and a little oregano, followed by inhaling a can of gas in a paper bag. I picture Willow's crowd being more huffers than puffers. It would explain the wit and wisdom of the Palin clan.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Target is part of the Dayton family of stores, Macy's & the like, no?

    In this case, then, this drugs transaction, in a Target parking-lot, is the fault not of Willow Palin, the buyer, nor her mother, Sarah Palin, for not raising her brood better, but, in fact, the responsibility of Mark Dayton, Democrat pretend governor of Minnesota.

    Stupid Dems.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Except the Dayton's sold out years ago and the Target company endorsed his anti-gay fundie opponent. So you need to add a link or to in the chain.

  3. jfruh

    Wow, I'm impressed at America's rural white trash teens' ability to casually use metric units. See, don't say drugs are all bad, America.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Drugs are also good at teaching kids fractions. well mostly the 1/4, 1/8, 1/16 kind of fractions, but still.

  4. KathrynSane

    Damn, if only she would start sneaking that weed into her mother's cooking. She'd still be a moron, but I'll take a stoned hippy moron over a methed-out Jesus conservatard moron any day.

    Another plus is that she'd probably be too busy watching Planet Earth and eating Cheetos to destroy America, also too.

    1. BeWoot

      Sarah was NOT my mother, but I never let that stop me from chugging vodka and smoking pot. This makes me think there may be some hope for little Willow.

  5. Thurman Munster IV

    Matanuska Thunderfuck for only 20 bucks? Keep dreaming. It hasn't been that cheap since the state pulled out of the subsidy business

  6. Serolf_Divad

    So is Sarah Palin going to apologize to David Letterman when Willow gets herself knocked up by Alex Rodriguez?

  7. freakishlywrong

    Ugh. All Palin all the time. The only thing that comes to my mind when I see any and all of them is Mean Girls.

    1. smartalek1

      They should be so lucky.
      LiLo on her worst day, hungover and strung out, is still an order of magnitude better looking than any of the Palinettes on their best day, with God Himself doing the photoshop.
      Not to mention that LiLo in an alky blackout has a higher IQ than the Palin corporate-welfare-queen collective combined.

      That's not to say they don't have their uses.
      No matter how low you go, you can still look at yourself in a mirror and say, "Well at least I'm not an apallin' Palin."

    1. genxr

      Ah, constant din from moronic noise machine that is the Palin clan. Whenever my brain becomes too content, too calm, and starts to form coherent, logical thoughts with any degree of sophistication, I stop and say, "I wonder what the Palins are up to? Better check Wonkette."

    2. 102415

      Not until Bristol either wins or wins DWTS. Or forever because the Scientologists are running them now.

    1. prommie

      Oh, the kids these days, they won't believe you if you tell them, $20 for an ounce of leafy mexican, a sandwhich bag as round as your forearm. Of course, you had to smoke it like cigarrettes, one after another after another. Still, that made it so much easier to "craft" your buzz, titrate it to the perfect level and maintain it there. Ah, the good old days, they were sometimes actually good.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        If you have any "distant memories" at all, you're doing it wrong. I'm pretty sure I did a lot of fun things back in the 80's, but I don't remember any of it.

  8. HateMachine

    I notice this "Them Palin Kidz" episode is brought to us by Ken Layne himself. Was Jack going to have a psychotic episode if he had to write any more Willow news?

  9. SorosBot

    Who could have predicted the girl who likes to publicly tell people "your a fuckin faggot" would be trashy?

    1. transfatz

      I think Sarah just stuffs a salmon up there and then gets into the bathtub with Willow. It worked with Bristol.

  10. charlesdegoal

    I bet this Nezaticky fellow is the dealer. How else would he by privy to all those details? Ratting on customers – very classy, Lance.

  11. Sgt_Biyatch

    I don't find this news very shocking. The real lipstick on a pig is pretending that the Palins are anything more than trash. They are this generation's version of the Ewells in To Kill a Mockingbird.

    1. transfatz

      The Palins are trash and that is the point. The more out of wedlock babies, abortions, holier than thou hypocrisy, knee jerk patriotism, ignorance, bigotry, drug and sex scandals the better. What the republicans are offering as a presidential candidate is the failure that white rural America sees in the mirror every day.
      That is to say, not Obama.

  12. Tundra Grifter

    "Several former peers…?" What's up with "former peers?" Were they kicked out of the House of Lords?

  13. metamarcisf

    More from the novel, "White Punks on Dope":

    "Hey, you see that big crack in the back of Trig's skull?"

    "Yeah"

    "You put your weed in there."

  14. Crank_Tango

    Well I dunno about the rest of you, but smoking weed and fucking are about the only things I can relate to this family on.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I live in a third-floor flat & have never smoked weed — in fact, the heaviest substance I have done was mixing Goldschlager & Jagermeister in the same glass (not a shot-glass, either — a tumbler!) — so I can say what I want.

  15. NorthStarSpanx

    Life is going to get very ouchy for Lance Nezaticky. He's gonna have to come up with all sorts of papers verifying his birth, his church attendance, status of parents marriage, his citizenship and AIP / NRA / Militia status since he's of age for a good few months.

    1. mavenmaven

      Na, they'll just go troopergate on him and bust him for all sorts of crimes he didn't commit. Remember, we are in end-of-Weimar like times. Wouldn't be surprised if someone killed him for Palin.

  16. WhatTheHeck

    This weekend, Sarah Palin said profiling was ok.
    Sooo… Alaska > Wasilla > White Trash.
    Nah. I don't got nothin.

  17. StillGoinGreen

    Let's see here… I like fuckin, I LOVE weed, I eat cheetos from Target after smoking weed – HOLY SHIT!!! I'm a Palin. Well that is just fucking great – all this time I have been using this goddamned conscience when I didn't even need it!

      1. StillGoinGreen

        Wheeewww!! That was a close one! I was getting worried that I might actually be forced to call up some of my straight friends and call them fuckin faggots – you know, so I could enjoy all the wolf steaks and fried elk balls I could eat on Indian-killin Day!

  18. BeWoot

    "Calls for comment to Sarah Palin's camp were not immediately returned."

    Why this family camping when they have that nice house right there beside the old McGinnis place?

    1. mrpuma2u

      I thought the preferred growth matrix was moose and fur seal turds in a 60/40 ratio (respectfully) with some puffin guano sprinkled on top.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Here ya go:

      "Boner cries alot and Eric Cantor isn't gay – but his boyfriend who makes his little tuna sandwiches (with the crusts removed) is. Now, back to teh white trash teens who fuck like bunnies!!

  19. Weenus299

    This seals it. 1. Brunhilde Palin will win the Dance-a-Lotta contest. 2. Seara Palin will win the presidency. 3. Todd becomes Veep Dude. 4. Willer will OD.

  20. Oblios_Cap

    $arah is living the real American Dream. She is the living embodiment of the Peter Principal, and, despite her mental deficiencies, managed to amass a small fortune of of a group of rubes who think she's more than she is.

    Hard work may not make you sucessful, but a little fraud will take you a long way!

    1. SecretMuslin

      And nothing that I didn't do about 150 times between the ages of 15 and 22. Well, never in the Target parking lot, but still…

  21. SorosBot

    So how long will it be until one of the Palins pulls a Britney/Lindsay and flashes the paparazzi while not wearing panties?

        1. jim89048

          Thanks for reminding me–when my 16 year old girlfriend dumped me, I naturally hit on her 15 year old sister. Does this mean I'm a Palin, or a Johnston?

    1. lulzmonger

      Probably wind up with one sweet over/under on that if you know what I mean, say no more say no more!

  22. chickensmack

    Wonketteers: Do we hate on the Palins so vociferously because we hope to Allah that the rest of America will figure out what we know, or because they're an easy white-trash target?

    Or is this just for the lulz? I can live with that.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      We want the rest to know.

      If it were just the trashiness, we'd be giving equal time to Sue "Chickens for check-ups" Lowden & Mercede "Alaska's Newssource" Johnston. Sure, they have gotten some, but not nearly as much.

    2. DoktorZoom

      I thought we hate the Palins because they represent everything that's good and true about America, and liberals are a bunch of degenerates denginerates who recoil from her Pure American-ness like cockroaches exposed to light. Conservapedia wouldn't lie about that, would they?

    1. genxr

      In high school health class we were warned that drugs accumulate in the trucknutz and cause elephantitis.

  23. donner_froh

    Good lord–the first time I encountered "Life&Style" was as a printed magazine. I first thought it must be a one-off parody of supermarket check-out aisle mags. When I realized it was an actual publication I jokingly said to a friend "Ha, this looks like "People" for people whose head explodes if they have to read anything longer than a caption on a photo."

    And then the true horror hit me–neither a parody or a dumb joke but something that Americans actually buy and consume (not read, since they can't).

  24. chickensmack

    Maybe Sarah should stop writing books and going on tour, and being on teevee, and parent these goddamned kids. Christ, what a turnaround she'd become. She would have the Republican nod for the next presidential race by nightfall, if she'd just commit to doing ANYTHING, other than flash-in-the-pan capitalism.

    1. MissTaken

      Sadly I think missing out on the parenting skills of Sarah is probably the only thing that will save Piper and Trig. Track and Field, Bristol Farms, and Weeping Willow are already lost causes.

  25. AntonovBureau

    I wish I knew you could buy pot at Target before, this will make life so much easier. I hate all those beepers and stuff.

  26. horsedreamer_1

    Too true. They'd "mistakenly" dateline the story 'Washington', instead of 'Wasilla' — all those pesky 'W' place-names; so confusing — & speak of the First Family (by which they would to have meant 'former First Family of Alaska', but would have interpreted as the Obamas) as being in turmoil.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    I made the mistake of hitting the "Life & Style" link – Low Life and No Style.

    By far the worst items were about the "Teen Mom." A teenager with a child isn't under enough pressure? This is far beyond any rational or even irrational excuse.

    No snark, no snide, nothing funny – this is just sick. I'll join the posts above that state, in various ways, "ENOUGH!"

    PS: I forgot to slam that blonde Faux Kardashian featured on the site. How low can you go?

  28. Ancient_Hackery

    Sorry, this story can't be correct– Willow doesn't get off her shift at the brass pole until 2AM.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I've been there. & one of the dancers went to high-school with my college roommate.

        It's a small world after all.

  29. Not_So_Much

    Claim this as a badge of honor. When we get to the "Boy and His Dog" phase of our current society, you will be king over the retardz.

  30. horsedreamer_1

    What is it Chris Rock said? Being a good parent is keeping your son off the pipe & your daughter off the pole?

    Yeah, Sarah Palin — not a good parent.

  31. AntonovBureau

    Grams? What kind of socialist metric system are they using up in AK? WEED IS SOLD IN Z's people!!

  32. BarackMyWorld

    I was going to make some comment about how unfair it was to deride the children of politicians and how irrelevant it was to public office….then I remembered that Sarah Palin constantly refers to her parental status as a qualification for office, and realized I don't give a fuck.

  33. Negropolis

    Remember Palin totally flipping the fuck out at Dave Letterman when he mistook Willow for Bristol? Yeah.

    Piper doesn't even have a chance, poor thing. The only one who'll escape the curse of the Palin's is Trig, thank the baby Jeebus.

  34. slappypaddy

    just wait until they're the first family. the laughs will be non-stop. and the world will fear our imperial might.

  35. DoktorZoom

    But dontcha know, it's all lies, lies from the lamestream media, aided and abetted by the Palins' local enemies, who just happen to include everyone they've had contact with in Alaska.

  36. horsedreamer_1

    One correction: Track is the eldest of the Heath-Palin brood. Tripp is the grandson, by Bristol Palin & Levi Johnston.

  37. i_AM_ready

    Wow, good catch! I don't know how anybody can keep them straight. Let's start calling the Palin kids Robert, Edward, Mary, Elizabeth etc. Would make it easier.

    Either that, or call Bristol "Hefty," Willow "Spacey," Track "Iraqy," etc.

  38. trampndirtdown

    You seen Willow lately, she is starting to get as thick as big sis. Weed and chalupas will do that. Refudiate also.

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