the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Only a monster wouldn't cry every 5 seconds.Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles.

You know what? He is known to cry. He cries sometimes when we’re having a debate on bills. If I cry, it’s about the personal loss of a friend or something like that. But when it comes to politics — no, I don’t cry. I would never think of crying about any loss of an office, because that’s always a possibility, and if you’re professional, then you deal with it professionally. […]

I have deep emotions about the American people. If I were to cry for anything, I would cry for them and the policies that they’re about to face.

You know who did cry when he lost an office? John Boehner. God forbid something should happen to Obama or Biden, because if this man becomes president, we will have to hold his hand every time somebody refers to him as “Mr. President” or plays “Hail to the Chief” or salutes him. [NYT via Wonkette operative “J C”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. bumfug

    Lots of drunks who find themselves in situations where they're over their heads cry. Cry for their mommas. Like the frightened children they are.

    1. DCHatesMe

      Just don't light a match near John Boehner. Gin fumes. Did you know that alcoholic hepatitis causes the body to turn orange? Dude must go through cartons of Visine.

  2. DoktorZoom

    You know, Jack, if you're having trouble sleeping, modern medicine has a lot of possible solutions for you. You don't have to keep coming back to the blog on the pretense that it needs "updating."

    We're here for you, big guy.

      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        10:00 on a Sunday night, might as well see what's on the Wonkette… oh lookey, a new posting, yeah!!!!

          1. Negropolis

            And for the insomniacs! And the late-shift workers. Also. Workers of the night, unite! But not you street-walking prostitutes; you gotta' stay outside and make that money.

            First, they came for the West Coasters,
            and because I wasn't one, I said nothing…

    1. charlesdegoal

      Same for this time zone: I normally have to wait until 3 pm for Wonkette to appear and it's nice to find some fresh material in the morning.

  3. axmxz

    Paradox of the modern political scene: the GOP doesn't wonder why it's represented by big weepy man-children both in the media and in Congress, because self-awareness is for pussies.

  4. Barbara_i

    He cries because alcohol is a depressant. He cries because he can't get his wiener up in the tanning booth and it looks like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum when he does finally get it up, usually after a whole night of scrambled porn on Cinemax and a fistful of lard. He cries when he has to pay the $30.00 draft overcharge, per check, when he forgets to pencil in the post dated payments to hookers in his checkbook ledger, he cries when he realizes that nothing rhymes with "orange" and Toby Keith will never be able to write a hit song about him and he cries when he forgets that the maxi pad goes adhesive side DOWN and he has to yank it off, taking oddly bleached wiry red public hair along with it.

      1. Barbara_i

        Well, make up your mind already. Thanksgiving is in three days and we have to decide if we are taking Jello 1-2-3 to your mom's house or my mom's house. I'm hoping that it's your house because my mom lives at my sister, Nancy's house in an urn.

  5. OkieDokieDog

    He cries because he's a compassionate conservative and he knows how the American people are suffering in these hard times.

    Or he's just a big pussy.

  6. kittylittr

    He cries thinking about his long-lost twin brother, whom he lost while they were in the womb dodging bullets, shots of Jagermeister, and the penises of his mother's many clients upstairs at the bar.

  7. CapnFatback

    John Boehner cries because he has a heart, a la L. Frank Baum's Tin Man.

    That ain't orange, son, that's RUST.

  8. Katydid

    He cries during sex, and he was anticipating the assfucking he's about to inflict upon every man, woman, and child in America.

  9. Negropolis

    Shorter Nancy: I'm too busy getting shit done to cry.

    Thank you, Madam Speaker. And, like Maya Angelou's air, zombies, and the South, may you rise, again! And, like Southern Zombies may you rise two-fold.

    Poor fool. Johnny's tears of a clown. He could drown a small child (or a few dozen ferrets) in a bathtub with a year's worth of his tears.

  10. transfatz

    "we will have to hold his hand every time somebody refers to him as “Mr. President” "

    A checkered keffiyeh appears in the skies over DC. This is a job for Saudiman!

  11. zhubajie

    He's crying cuz Nancy hid an onion in the Speaker's desk! What till he notices the halibut in the closet!

  12. deanbooth

    If I were to cry for anything, I would cry for them and the policies that they’re about to face.

    Pass the tissues. Let the privitization (looting) begin!

  13. Plowmon

    "Cry-baby! Cry-baby!" This must how Nancy lives her creed of "…if you’re professional, then you deal with it professionally."

    1. glamourdammerung

      Funny how the big issue you impotently cried about with Pelosi's travel arrangements disappeared when it was stated that Boehner was going to do the exact same thing.

      Also, cry more.

  14. Bluestatelibel

    Thank you Madame, Jon Boner is a weepy sack of cry baby, and if he was a Dem woman instead of an oompa-la for the party of corruption, the right would have torn him to shreds.

  15. johnnyzhivago

    Pelosi should shut up and get a gig on an important show like DWTS – or maybe do something for TLC like tatoo parlors of San Francisco. That would build confidence and improve her brand.

    As I've said before, I'd also recommend less boring "government stuff" and more kitten photos on her website.

    Boener should start wearing turtlenecks if he wants to capitalize on the emo factor.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    I can see why the GOP hates her so much. She's more macho than that whole party of bedwetting nancy-boys.

  17. Office_39

    First, let me witness for Jack. That guy Jack, he's like the friend you never had, know what I'm saying? Why, I even heard he sends holiday greeting cards to hookers in jail.

    Second, Pelosi is probably right about male chauvinism playing a part in the Time mag thing. She's a Democratic Party tool but that is probably accurate.

  18. BerkeleyBear

    Given this guy's lack of emotional control, he's either going to be drugged to the gills or making devil's horns on Obama's head right up until Biden punches him in the face.

  19. Mindblank

    Boehner just needs a thong several sizes larger, that's all. You'd cry, too, if you had An Eternal Wedgie of the Ass.

  20. gurukalehuru

    Oh, for goodness sake, I am as disgusted at the big, weepy orange boner as anybody else, but do try to look on the bright side.

    Hahaha, Nancy Pelosi, you aren't important any more!

  21. PrincessPelosi

    He's crying because I replaced his bronzer supply with leftover 2008 campaign stickers. HAHA, WHAT WILL YOU DO NOW BONER?

  22. HistoriCat

    somebody refers to him as “Mr. President” or plays “Hail to the Chief” or salutes him

    If that were the case WE would be the people who were crying, not his Orangeness.

  23. marinmaven

    I guess she didn't see "Free To Be You And Me" where Rosey Greer sings "It's Alright to Cry"
    We shouldn't fear him because he cries. We should fear him because he is orange and not one of us.

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