For most Americans, “staying in shape” is the involuntary act that occurs when the escalator breaks down at the shopping mall and everyone is forced to walk an extra fifty feet to the elevator, and an afternoon is ruined. But for fancy FLOTUS Queen Michelle Antoinette Obama, every day is a new excuse to put on a pair of sexy workout pants, hop on a plane to the nearest city full of fat children, and put them all through a series of physical exercises with hula hoops and jump ropes, like the kind terrorists use to train their young. Our FLOTUS was up to her usual exercise antics last week, as she prepared to enter the next phase of her master plan to take over our stomachs.
Last week, Michelle stopped in Newark, New Jersey and New York City to lecture obese children about the evils of video games and to encourage healthy eating habits, despite objections from people across the country who would really prefer to stay fat, thank you very much.
First the White House lectured you on sugar. Then they tried to motivate you to plant an organic vegetable garden. Now they want to shove leafy greens down your kids’ throat.
Yes, today our FLOTUS is expected to announce a major initiative to place salad bars in public schools nationwide. This is terrible, because if salad weren’t gross enough, it will now be placed in the hands of children who will unleash their vile germs all over it. Some schools are refusing to entertain the idea of these salad bars — it’s fine when kids are reaching out their greasy hands to grab a pizza or bucket of fries, but there is no way they are getting those dirty hands on a pair of salad tongs.
They fear that kids will sneeze on the spicy ranch or pick their nose before plucking a green pepper out of the salad station, failing to use the designated utensils, thus infecting other kids with their germs.
The result of putting a salad bar in front of a school full of children who have never in their lives seen vegetables, much less utensils, would undoubtedly be a disaster. Also, salad bars are the public school’s new TSA pat-downs. What?
According to this same report, the USDA’s Food and Nutrition Services division, which oversees the subsidized meal program, circulated a memo saying that while it encourages the use of salad bars in schools, “school menu planners must tell students the minimum amounts they must take from salad bars, cashiers ‘must be trained to judge accurately the quantities of self-service items,’ and point-of-sale registers “must be stationed after the salad bar.”
So not only are a bunch of TSA agents going to pat down your kids at airport security, students will have to double back and pass muster with their lunch lady to prevent an over serving of Bacos. Yes, while we’re worried about terrorists and other things, the government is worried about an excess of toppings.
Michelle Obama’s salad bars means the terrorists win. [Fox News]
Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.
{ 42 comments }
If our kids are not in shape, how can they perform a proper terrorist fist bump?
Round IS a shape, amirite?
We had a salad-bar in my Reagan Democrat suburb's high-school back in the mid-nineties.
I'm sure the old Pollacks & Eyetais populating my town have had it removed in the aftermath of Darkness in the White House, though.
All those kids only have one nose to pick?
well in this economy…
Should I be concerned that the elite private schools that my children would attend if I had children already have salad bars?
(Collegiate and Brearley in case anyone was wondering)
Well they should just install a "Freedom Fry" Bar instead, because we all know ketchup is a vegetable.
It's a slippery slope.
Today it is salad bars.
Tomorrow the chef will be offering delicate little complimentary appetizers.
Amuse-boucheFreedom tidbit.As one who just learned that word a couple years ago, I heart your comment and look down my nose at those who don't know that phrase means yet.
Peasants!
Why is it that everything the wingnuts don't like is always being shoved or rammed down their throats? Get yourself a new, less sexual metaphor, morans.
And as for preventing kids from infecting each other with germs: you can't, it's pointless to even try.
This is an absurd commentary on a burgeoning health crisis because all it does is preordain the existing order of terrible food options as some kind of "freedom" to choose high-sodium, fatty foods, thereby celebrating the foot on the neck of poor people who live in food deserts as some kind of realization of the American Dream. I encourage the idiot who posted that piece to eat government subsidized meals with high schoolers in the Bronx or East Harlem for a week (because most of these conservative commentators find it necessary to live deep within enemy territory in midtown Manhattan) and then see how she feels about her GI tract. Free quarter waters for ALL!
Eating with high schoolers in the Bronx or East Harlem? She wouldn't be able to swallow anything down since her entire body would have contracted in fright.
Hah hah, point well taken. She could go to one of those abandoned rural communities that conservatives always seem to be defending against the elitist intentions of the well-educated. Appalachia might be too Democratic for her, but I could see her right at home somewhere outside of Columbus, GA.
Salads could be wrapped inside a piece of dough and deep-fried for sanitary individual portions.
SHOULD be. There, fixed.
Bacon bits. Cottage cheese. Pepperoni. Parmesan. Hard boiled eggs. "Ranch" dressing. Properly accessorized, a "salad" can be as tasty and nutritious as a bacon-double-cheeseburger.
But will they be word salads?
YES!
The middle school at which I work had to remove bacon bits from our salad bar because kids were eating straight bowlfuls of bacon bits for lunch, which is fucking disgusting.
Was this school in a Red district where they refuse to teach the kids about the proper use of condiments?
“school menu planners must tell students the minimum amounts they must take from salad bars" otherwise some kids would pile bacon bits onto their plates and coat them with ranch dressing.
Yes, Fox News, let's let these kids continue chowing down on the usual artery-clogging, diabetes-inducing deliciousness until their hearts explode, with no chance of offering them any "healthy" alternatives. It's the American way, after all.
Recently in planning a "health/fitness day" event with a local school and hospital, hospital supplied "freebies" were discussed. Jump ropes were out. The hospital was afraid of liability should any of the little urchins take a rope home and use it to hang herself.
Why is Michelle Obama trying to make our kids kill themselves?
Enough with the damn arugula. Give us Tots! (Random Glee call-out.)
Health and fitness, no way lets be fat slobs for freedumb and we can hire some tough guys to fight our wars for us or at least let the Mexicans in and they can fight them for us. Win Win.
By the way eating too much lettuce increases the demand for the damn Mexicans to pick it, this is also a Win Win.
But not teh gheys, they're gross!
At our local socialism factory, the children have a salad bar. Interestingly enough, the students use their pissed-up little hands to grab a giant scoop that allows them the most efficient way to get a healthy portion of pickles and black olives.
Then they move to the ranch dressing area where the dressing is dispensed in a large bottle with a portion controlled spout. They attached liquor shot dispensers to the tops of the jugs. If the kid wants more than a shot of ranch dressing they have to tip it and pour again.
Then they move to their assigned table, plop their tray onto the said table and sit. They grab the utensils wrapped in plastic and bang it on the table to pop the spork, straw and napkin free of its casing.
After all this, they take things, with their grubby hands, from their friends' trays.
Viva la salad bar!
You lucky Amercans, you got to select things at lunch, we, in Blighty, in the socialist 70s had unspeakable school lunches, with no options available. I recall such delights as Spam Fritters, Rissoles, Mushy Peas, Steak (?) and Suet Pudding and the famous "Stew". For dessert, or "afters" as we called it , there were many options Toffee Pudding, Spotted Dick and Custard, Blancmange, Sussex Pond Pudding and Jam Roly-Poly.
i thought that's what you people always ate. where do you think we learned it from?
Indeed. Willow only just started tongue-punching Andy's fart-box.
I believe in eating healthy. Just yesterday, I chose the hot wings salad with extra-creamy bleu cheese dressing rather than an unhealthy burger. It went great with my cheesy fries and 6 pints of IPA.
In MY day, they put turnip greens, spinach and broccoli on our lunch trays. It's not like we ate them, but it's a WAY cheaper alternative to putting up a salad bar that the kids will ignore.
Did these items also suspiciously appear on the menu the same day they mowed the grass?
What next? Suicide Salad Dressing? I hope there's a low fat version of it.
The only possible solution would be to weigh them in, weigh them out, and charge by the pound.
I honestly don't understand the big deal. I had a salad bar in my high school, and our school lunch program suuuucked. They served french fries every day. But, I did go to school in pinko commie librul California.
Are you serious….is that all you have to attack the first lady agenda. A healthy diet which most Americans need to pay attention to their eating habits. It is not just students but some adults could use a salad bar as well. Guess you did not have anything else to write about the first lady…huh?
Plop. Thats the sound of a paper bag with a container of dressing falling on a tray. One dollar please. Soup?
I don't get this. Higher up on the list of comments, someone reports that kids will eat a whole bowl of bacon bits from a salad bar. Are you suggesting that someone wants to drink a bag of salad dressing, kind of like a cold soup?
Ooops.
Plop. Thats the sound of a paper bag with a handful of salad and a container of dressing falling on a tray. One dollar please. Soup?
Not as funny, though.
This salad and exercise thing is just the initial cannon ball out of FLOTUS' weapon. What will she do, if Barry somehow gets four additional years to spread Socialism and Kumbaya love of India, Indonesia and anything else that isn't British, German or Red State?
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