Michelle Obama Is Going to Ruin Your Kids' Lives With Salad

For most Americans, “staying in shape” is the involuntary act that occurs when the escalator breaks down at the shopping mall and everyone is forced to walk an extra fifty feet to the elevator, and an afternoon is ruined. But for fancy FLOTUS Queen Michelle Antoinette Obama, every day is a new excuse to put on a pair of sexy workout pants, hop on a plane to the nearest city full of fat children, and put them all through a series of physical exercises with hula hoops and jump ropes, like the kind terrorists use to train their young. Our FLOTUS was up to her usual exercise antics last week, as she prepared to enter the next phase of her master plan to take over our stomachs.

Last week, Michelle stopped in Newark, New Jersey and New York City to lecture obese children about the evils of video games and to encourage healthy eating habits, despite objections from people across the country who would really prefer to stay fat, thank you very much .

First the White House lectured you on sugar. Then they tried to motivate you to plant an organic vegetable garden. Now they want to shove leafy greens down your kids’ throat.

Yes, today our FLOTUS is expected to announce a major initiative to place salad bars in public schools nationwide. This is terrible, because if salad weren’t gross enough, it will now be placed in the hands of children who will unleash their vile germs all over it. Some schools are refusing to entertain the idea of these salad bars -- it’s fine when kids are reaching out their greasy hands to grab a pizza or bucket of fries, but there is no way they are getting those dirty hands on a pair of salad tongs.

They fear that kids will sneeze on the spicy ranch or pick their nose before plucking a green pepper out of the salad station, failing to use the designated utensils, thus infecting other kids with their germs.

The result of putting a salad bar in front of a school full of children who have never in their lives seen vegetables, much less utensils, would undoubtedly be a disaster. Also, salad bars are the public school’s new TSA pat-downs. What?

According to this same report, the USDA's Food and Nutrition Services division, which oversees the subsidized meal program, circulated a memo saying that while it encourages the use of salad bars in schools, “school menu planners must tell students the minimum amounts they must take from salad bars, cashiers ‘must be trained to judge accurately the quantities of self-service items,’ and point-of-sale registers "must be stationed after the salad bar."

So not only are a bunch of TSA agents going to pat down your kids at airport security, students will have to double back and pass muster with their lunch lady to prevent an over serving of Bacos. Yes, while we're worried about terrorists and other things, the government is worried about an excess of toppings.

Michelle Obama's salad bars means the terrorists win. [ Fox News ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.