the olds

BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms

Haha! This is like that baby who smoked. Cute.Well, not exactly BREAKING or whatever, unless you’re Catholic for some reason and didn’t see this yesterday: Some old European guy in a Rome suburb told a guy who was writing a book that some people should wear condoms, if they’re gay AIDS prostitutes in Africa who can’t help themselves from giving everyone AIDS. This was apparently reported in the media because it was a slow news day, and an “old people are cute” story seemed like a good idea. And also this old man, who is a former member of the Hitler Youth, said something about Jews that Jews didn’t like very much, but what did they expect? We think we also heard that this man’s grandson is getting married to some girl named Kate Middleton and will hold a fake job similar to the one his grandfather has. Cool.

The statement, and the pope’s interview, suggested that, notwithstanding the interpretation of remarks he made last year on his visit to Africa, Benedict accepted that condoms reduced the risk of infection from Aids.

His spokesman, Father Federico Lombardi, said the pontiff’s view was that “Aids cannot be solved only by the distribution of condoms”.

But, he added: “At the same time, the pope considered an exceptional situation in which the exercise of sexuality represents a real risk to the lives of others. In this case, the pope does not morally justify the exercise of disordered sexuality, but believes that the use of condoms to reduce the risk of infection is a ‘first step on the road to a more human sexuality’, rather than not to use it and risking the lives of others.”

So SOME gay people should be using condoms, if they have AIDS, because they can’t make babies inside butts. But gay people shouldn’t be gay because they have a “disordered sexuality” that is not “human.” Therefore, this old man who used to be in the Hitler Youth and probably has never had sex with a person says being gay is not “human,” but rather a sign you are a SEXY SPACE MONSTER.

Pretty much what you would expect an ancient ex-Nazi to say, we guess. Except this man does not live in a nursing home; he lives in a giant shimmering palace and a whole lot of people think God wanted him to have the job he has. Interesting. [Guardian]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • KeepArtEvil

    "Hey kids, it's okay to wear a condom! But only if you're paying for yer sex! If it's free, it's a sin." *reaches into coat pocket for some change*

  • JustPixelz

    Disordered priests have risen up for the latest penetrating emission from the infallible Pope Benedict. (Pius XII, not so infallible it turns out.)

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Must be cases of priests getting STDs from altar boys coming to light.

  • the_problem_child

    BREAKING! condoms.

    • Neilist

      Oh, win,. sir. WIN!

      :::Polite (ex)-Catholic golf clap:::

      • the_problem_child

        Oddly, for me, the first thought upon condom breakage is not "Damn, another Teabagging John infected," but "Oh, shit, Plan B time." Which is why I stuck my thumb up bagofmice's ass as well as yours.

        • Neilist

          I am relieved, sir, that it was only your thumb.

          But does this mean we are no longer engaged? (The tenets of the One True Faith are not as live in my memory as they once were.)

          • the_problem_child

            Since I am in Canada, we can in fact be engaged. But until the forthcoming decision from the BCSC, we cannot be married (and even then, we would have to move). Polyandry is, sadly, still not legal. But I hear "Big Love" was a stalking horse for our love…Keep shooting them into the sheets for me, big guy.

          • Neilist

            As a much more creative writer (Amistead Maupin) than I once wrote: "The 'Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name?' Nowadays, you can't get it to shut the fuck up."

            Anyway, we can't get married. The divorce would be too painful for my "children."

            The ones that live in the gun safe, I mean.

            (It's a LARGE family. That Catholic Imperative thingie, ya know?)

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Ah, another Quiverfull. Or Arsenalfull.

    • bagofmice

      Next up, Plan B.

    • serjjj

      That deserves a rim job (I mean shot)

      • Beowoof

        Always a fan of a rim job.

    • PocketsTheClown

      I remove my golf gloves to properly clap… for you sir.. er madame… er sexy space alien

  • OkieDokieDog

    Old gnat-zi rat bastard. I don't like him.

    Another numbnutz totally clueless of what life in the real world is like, in a position of power and authority.

  • Neilist

    As a (former) member of the Irish branch of the fine, historic, and Holy Organization of which this wonderful man is the head, all I can say is that this makes perfect sense to me.

    But then, given that I am generally held to be Batshit Crazy by you Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM, I'm not sure that is much of an endorsement.

    Father Neilist, Ordo Praedicatorum
    "Domini canes" — BITCHES!
    (The Jesuits? The fucking Jesuits just collected the firewood. WE ran the Inquisition!)

    • sati_demise

      yea, but now they are walking it back as fast as they can.

      Abstinence, the alpha and omega

      • Neilist

        "Walking it back"?

        Or "taking it in the backside"?

        Same thing, really, come to think of it.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Welcome back!

          • Neilist

            I have not Died; I have only been sleeping.

            In a cave for three days.

            It's a bit complicated . . . .

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            These things usually are…

        • sati_demise

          as fast as they can. they might have to swing that incense to get some rhythmic momentum going.

          • Neilist

            You make HOT when you talk like that. But would you mind smearing your face with shoe polish, and pretending to be a Child of Ham?

            (I already have a stiffy for Negropolis We're going to do an Irish-Catholic remake of the classic Ken Norton film . . . "McMandingo!".)

    • Negropolis

      "But then, given that I am generally held to be Batshit Crazy by you Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM, I'm not sure that is much of an endorsement."

      Honestly, you can quit the shit, already. More obnoxious than your former incarnation is this pitiful pity party you throw for yourself every. single. damned. post. now. Not funny.

      • Neilist

        I'm sorry "Negro," but what in any of my prior posts led you to believe that I care about what you think? About humor, incarnation, religion, or anything else?

        If you gain such an impression, I sincerely apologize for not making things sufficiently clear.

        We return you now to our regularly scheduled programing: Sammy Davis,Jr. in a soulful rendition of "We Shall Overcome, Some Day –And Marry May Britt."

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      yes, yes it would…

    • lulzmonger

      "Batshit Crazy" = 10/10. "Generally held" = only in the tender embrace of thy Chuck Norris RealDoll, gunboy.

      Pope Lulzmonger,
      First Church Of Teh Rosy Crosshairs
      "Ecce Headshot"

      • Neilist

        At times of stress, when dealing with particularly irritating piece of Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM, I always try to ask myself, "What kind of pistol would JESUS use on this nitwit?"

        It's a very spiritual exercise.

    • zhubajie

      For once I sorta agree with you, Neilist! And I'm a Norwegian Catholic!

      Pope-haters, just don't let all those Prot. mini-Popes like Pat Robertson or Rod Parsley off easy.

    • V572625694

      Ferdinand & Isabella might disagree with you (and burn you at the stake as a favor) when you claim more inquisitory zeal for the Irish than the Spanish. The reason they started the Spanish Inquisition was that they thought the Vatican inq was too liberal, didn't burn enough Jews and Muslins. They quickly set that right. Viva la Reconquista!

  • AddHomonym

    The moment Berlusconi starts attaching penises all over the place Bennie goes and tries to cover them up!

  • HempDogbane

    2006: Pope OKs use of condoms as water balloons only.
    2010: Pope OKs use of condoms on gay AIDS prostitutes only.
    2012: Pope OKs use of condoms on First Dude-elect Todd only. (ribbed style disallowed)

    I know a slippery slope when I see one.

  • sanantonerose

    Why anyone would take sexual direction from a celibate man wearing a dress is beyond me.

    Also, how nice for the gay male prostitutes that they are officially higher up than me, a heterosexual woman, on the Catholic hate list. Penis!

    • Neilist

      Silence, Whore of Babylon!

      The Cursed Parts of Woman will never compare to the sweet, pink juicyfruit of a fresh young altar boy!!!

      "Bend over, lad, and prepare to Receive the Body of Christ!"

      [That's official Church dogma. I think.]

      • natoslug

        Dogma? Is that church-sanctioned bestiality?

        • Neilist

          One hopes, dear sir. One hopes.

          "Woof!," sayeth the Hounds of the Lord.

    • Wadisay

      Yeah, shorter version: Pope no play-a the game, he no make-a the rules.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Leave out the celibate stuff–some of the best sexual directions I ever got were from men wearing dresses–plus heels, lingerie and a lot of makeup.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Those guys weren't celibate — not w/ me, anyway.

    • PocketsTheClown

      Yeah, why don't Italians just sack that place? Stone cold go nuts and lift all the, I don't know, gold hats or whatever. IT IS GUARDED BY OLD DUDES IN DRESSES PEOPLE.

      • zhubajie

        "Yeah, why don't Italians just sack that place?"

        They need the jobs?

  • BeWoot

    Say what you will, the Dude is smokin' in that chasuble.

  • rocktonsam

    I can use rubbers with only catlicks girls now?

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Doctrine this complex can only be adequately explained by the fine, legalistic mind of a Jesuit. While fucking you in the ass while wearing a condom.

    • Neilist

      Sounds like the Jesuits, alrighty.

      And afterwards, they set you on fire.

  • gullywompr

    This will be a great comfort to my gay male African prostitute with AIDS who always wanted to wear a condom but couldn't because the Pope hadn't condoned it until now.

  • slappypaddy

    it's a ‘first step on the road to a more human sexuality’, though it's not a final solution.

  • PsycWench

    Meanwhile, the vast majority of the rest of the world is saying "Yes, fine, whatever, when am I going to be able to get a job that doesn't involve a polyester uniform?"

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Ya gotta admit, us Jews have been 'prepared' for condoms to slip on easier…

    (maybe that's why the guy in the funny hat doesn't like us?)

    • mavenmaven

      Because of lack of the "funny hat"?

  • mavenmaven

    Its not a surprise, apparently it was common in Hitler Youth for the boys to wear condoms while Männer-Shtuepping each other. (hence the Battle of the Bulge).

  • DemonicRage

    Gay prostitutes: at the forefront of The Holy One's thoughts in these complicated times. How nice to know that Church doctrine is now tweeked with these loving brothers in mind.

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Me thinks the thought of contracting AIDS from a gay prostitute hits Fearless Leader a little too close to home.

  • natoslug

    Wouldn't a ban on sheepbanging be a better way of approaching more human sexuality?

  • i_AM_ready

    But you know what's NOT disordered?

    BRIGHT RED PATENT-LEATHER PUMPS FOR MEN!

    They're just FABULOUS! Hardly disordered at all!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Don't hate the Nazi-Pope just because he's a Prada-whore.

  • LibrulEleet

    Next thing you know, he'll be telling us it's not really true that Jeebus magically arose from the dead.

  • bumfug

    This might actually matter except the only people on earth who give a shit what "John McCain's Dad" says are either too old (or forbidden by job description) to fuck.

  • VinnyThePooh

    because they can’t make babies inside butts
    I think America's south has evidence of the contrary. *cue banjos*

  • Redhead

    "this old man who used to be in the Hitler Youth and probably has never had sex with a person over the age of 12 or anyone with dark hair or brown eyes"

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Or anyone with a vagina.

      • PocketsTheClown

        Non-cloven-hoof vagina, sirr-hrr-hrr-hrr PFFT

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Now that's some vagina even Nazi Pope can get into!

      • PrincessPelosi

        Everyone has a vagina. You just need to know where to look.

  • Beowoof

    Fools, this is a ruse, condoms catch evidence and allow it to be removed from altar boy rectum. This was clearly ordered by Vatican Attorneys to interfere with the collection of evidence by law enforcement. And you thought they were going all liberal on your ass.

  • elpinche

    I still can't get over the irony of being in a local Austin band in 1997 , Pope Hitler and the Yoda Nazis.

    • Radiotherapy

      When the Hitler and the Pope had buttsecks in the 1930's, I wonder if they used a condom?

    • PocketsTheClown

      I will now have the booze-spins thinking of ironic band-names, but from homework. Thanks.

      Beancounter Douche-Flow and the Receivable Allowances!!!

  • user-of-owls

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the signal that a new Pope has been chosen some puffs of white smoke out the Vatican chimney?
    So look at that picture again and start connecting the dots.

    • Radiotherapy

      As a an ex-owlter boy, you should know that smoking popes don't need no iphone.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    You know who didn't smoke? Yeah, Hitler.

    • user-of-owls

      And you know who did smoke while Hitler was in charge?

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        God's Chosen People?

      • Negropolis

        Eva Braun? Hitler actually hated that she smoked, and hated that Hermann Göring would do it in public, which undermined his anti-smoking campaign.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Stupid Nazis.

  • imalittleteap0t

    Concerned about that last tryst in Uganda there, Benny?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Hate to say it, but imagine the soon-to-be-sainted Karol Wojtyla (sp?) saying this.

    Credit where due.

    • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah. As an ex-Catholic, I never expected something this reasonable coming from Bennie 16; the ultra-conservative JP2's party whip; the old-school doctrinaire enforcer.

  • PublicLuxury

    Is that a marijuana cigarette? So, the pope does smoke dope.

  • fuflans

    it may not be 'new' news, but it's a hell of a lot better than any MORE news of palin and spawn(s).

  • Negropolis

    Even when trying to be pragmatic are these bastards supremely condescending.

    If I want to get sex advice from a guy in a dress, I'll just go downtown.

    • Neilist

      "If I want to get sex advice from a guy in a dress, I'll just go downtown."

      Oh, now THAT'S breaking news.

      (Give my regards to "Miranda," will you? Everything about that "gal" is a wonder.)

      (Obscure Latin/Shakespeare joke that will not be featured in "McMandingo!")

  • kenlayisalive

    Popes. Kings and Queens. TeaBaggers.

    This whole world is just a little blue orb of stupid, isn't it?

    • lulzmonger

      Yep … & it looks like we've got a full house (Popes & Teabaggers), but Nature's got a royal flush.

      *prays for epic asteroid impact*

  • Pragmatist2

    Benny, Benny, Benny.
    Have you been having that "dream" again?

  • predilectrix

    "[He] believes that the use of condoms to reduce the risk of infection is a ‘first step on the road to a more human sexuality’, rather than not to use it and risking the lives of others.”

    And a couple days earlier he claimed adequate health care is an inalienable right.

    WTF? Has Teabag-induced stupidity here reached such a critical mass that it's sucking up free-floating particles of ignorance around the globe and leaving even the Pope rational?

  • finallyhappy

    Kind of sad- the sort of people who listen to the Pope are the same sort of people(but not Catholic, I guess) who listen to Snowbilly- too dumb to think for themselves, uneducated and not likely to care about getting educated. And isn't the Church broke yet??

  • HempDogbane

    Yeah, me too! And don't even look in the closet. Oh, Hi, Pope. What are you doing in here?

    • the_problem_child

      Just checking to see if you are an abortifactant. Apparently not, carry on.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Ask Mr. Cruise if he wants to come out any time soon.

      • Negropolis

        And R. Kelley. Also.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          And the list goes on…

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Jeebus, next thing you know the Pope is going to have Twitter and say Facebook is OK, but only for talking to friends of the same sex.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Ha, did you hear Mr. Pastor guy that banned everyone from using Facebook had a threesome with himself, his lawfully wedded wife, and wait for it… another guy!
      Not gay if their balls don't touch. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1331704/F

      • Negropolis

        Bwahahahaha!

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Who would have ever in a million years seen that one coming…

  • barkingspiders

    Isn't this Pope shtick the greatest gig ever? It just doesn't matter how dumb and/or inane your pronouncements are, you're still Pope. Sweet!

    • jim89048

      Kinda like being the RNC Chairman, right?

  • comrad_darkness

    "Naturally, one can always ask: 'Why did he not protest more strongly?' I believe he saw that the consequences could have been a public outcry," said the pope.
    "He personally suffered enormously, we know this. He knew that he needed to speak and yet the situation prevented him," he said.

    This guy was George W Bush's mentor, right? Hard as it is to say, I don't think W lived up to this level of fail. This level of fail gets its own dimensional layer.

  • DahBoner

    So if the TSA porno scan shows a gay Aids baby up your butt, can they just call the Pope hotline for the final OK?