Silvio Berlusconi Attaching Penises To Ancient Italian Statues, With Magnets

by Jack Stuef

Italy’s culture ministry on Friday defended Premier Silvio Berlusconi for giving ancient marble statues in his office replacement body parts, to the horror of art restorers.

The ministry, which is led by a close ally of the premier, said in a statement there’s no cause for alarm: The hand added to Venus and the penis added to Mars are attached by magnets and can be removed without damage.

Just when you think American government is insane, Silvio Berlusconi always has to come and show us up. So there’s your difference between us and our ally: Our prudes like John Ashcroft cover up the boobs on our statues, whereas their legendary pervs like Berlusconi add sexual organs to their statues. [WP via Wonkette operative "Lily E." (you're welcome)]

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V572625694 November 19, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Ah, bella Italia, you led us to civilization, to empire , to fascism, almost to communism, to socialized medicine and free education, and now to utter silliness.

edgydrifter November 19, 2010 at 5:45 pm

"Detachable Penis" must mean something totally different when sung in Italian.

MissTaken November 19, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Now that song is stuck in my head, thank you!

Radiotherapy November 19, 2010 at 6:09 pm

I am always in awe to King Missiles' monumental contribution to Western Civilization, Jesus Was Way Cool.

harry_palmer November 19, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Berlusconi dropped out of Uranus.

BornInATrailer November 19, 2010 at 5:47 pm

"…sexual assault with a concrete dildo?!"

It never dawned on me until now but Silvio Berlusconi is the Frank Drebin of world leaders.

el_donaldo November 19, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Well, of course they're going to be detachable. How else could you use them? You should only get worried when he starts to excavate female statues to install the pocket pussies.

finallyhappy November 19, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Why doesn't he just slash a painting like every other art hater?

chascates November 19, 2010 at 6:03 pm

It's always about sex with that guy.

Lascauxcaveman November 19, 2010 at 6:03 pm

To be fair, I've always thought that the Venus de Milo could stand to have a bigger set of hooters.

ShaveTheWhales November 19, 2010 at 7:41 pm

Detachable implants. This could be good news for plastic surgeons.

Negropolis November 19, 2010 at 11:39 pm

Something about a woman being a Mr. Potato Head isn't too attractive to me.

ShaveTheWhales November 20, 2010 at 3:24 am

Get older. Mr. Potato Head starts to look better.

bagofmice November 20, 2010 at 2:28 am

TSA approved!

DashboardBuddha November 21, 2010 at 5:51 pm

Detachable implants would work best for women travelers.

"You want to check my breasts, TSA dude? [click] [click] Here!"

Radiotherapy November 19, 2010 at 6:06 pm

I love "junk" art.

PocketsTheClown November 19, 2010 at 6:30 pm

And to think for all those years it was strictly fingerbanging for those dudes.

wondering where i am November 20, 2010 at 12:36 pm

and no hand jobs

LionelHutzEsq November 19, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Well, this should throw off the TSA.

ttommyunger November 19, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Want moar details so I can criticize moar feercly. Size, shape, clipped, ereckt, flassid, lefty, riitey. Details, damn you Silvio, you damn tease, details! Signed, "Scooter" ps. Pix would be nice :)

ShaveTheWhales November 19, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Well, I suppose the whole point of the marble-magnetism is mix-n-match.

Barrelhse November 19, 2010 at 7:15 pm

They've never heard of Velcro?

Fare la Volpe November 19, 2010 at 9:11 pm

I'd much prefer to remove my fake genitals with a click than a RRRRRRIIIIIPPPPPP. Just a preference.

Barrelhse November 19, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Snap-On Tools?

bagofmice November 20, 2010 at 2:30 am

Or snap off.

ShaveTheWhales November 20, 2010 at 3:26 am

Wish I had thought of that.

GuyClinch November 19, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Why stop at adding *one* penis to the statue? A failure of the imagination, Silvio

GuyClinch November 19, 2010 at 7:36 pm

And Venus could use some marble implants, come to think of it.

the_problem_child November 19, 2010 at 7:37 pm

Maybe it's glue or mortar holding the magnets in place. Feel better?

Me neither.

Numbat_Dundee November 19, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Classical Greek statues had tiny penis's (the Greeks thought a btig cock was a sign of uncouthness and barbarity). So I wonder if Sylvio's magic magnetic dildos are the traditional petite classical size or nice and big.

PsycWench November 19, 2010 at 9:45 pm

Classical Greek statues had tiny penis's (the Greeks thought a btig cock was a sign of uncouthness and barbarity).

Not because they hurt a lot?

Negropolis November 19, 2010 at 11:41 pm

Or because the Greeks were just, well, small?

Lucidamente1 November 19, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Essendo Berlusconi un testa di cazzo, non mi stupisce che faccia così.

(trans. Since Berlusconi's a dickhead, it doesn't surprise me that he does this.)

imalittleteap0t November 19, 2010 at 10:21 pm

"Magneti cazzo, come funzionano?" -Buffone Pazzo Gruppo Armato di Volontari

donner_froh November 19, 2010 at 10:47 pm

Silvio is my favorite zany world leader. He once complained that the scandal around appointing his favorite 18 year old hooker to the the cabinet was caused by the press–until one of his aides reminded him, "Dude, you OWN the press."

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 19, 2010 at 11:03 pm

That would be great, but I'm not so sure that the Italian populace are any more repulsed by desecration of antiquities than Teabaggers are turned off by assault or patronizing prostitutes when the perps are "our kind of people." There is a strain of sociopathy in Italian culture that lives alongside the Catholic piety. Or at least there used to be, until the emigration to the Jersey Shore.

Negropolis November 19, 2010 at 11:40 pm

Nope, it's still very much there. Italy remainds the Louisiana of Europe as far as its politics of corruption are concerned as far as I care.

ShaveTheWhales November 20, 2010 at 3:25 am

Um, no objection at all to what you said, but I think it's summarizable as "They're Italians".

kenlayisalive November 21, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Meh. At least one Italian had the good sense to smash him in the face.

Get back to me when an American bloodies George Bush on his book tour.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 19, 2010 at 11:06 pm

You gotta get yourself some marble columns.

Negropolis November 19, 2010 at 11:37 pm

Berly is the quintessential "Dirty Old Man." I hate that dirtbag with a passion. He's like the Italian Dubya minus everything else about Dubya, of course. In fact, he's nothing like Bush. He's his own special kind of dickishness.

ShaveTheWhales November 20, 2010 at 3:33 am

I must respectfully disagree. He's more like Murdoch, after we pass the amendment that allows Kenyans (woops, Aussies) to be Presnit. With, apparently, boatloads of Viagra.

kenlayisalive November 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Yes, and he doesn't have the reflexes of Bush either.

MLHencken November 20, 2010 at 1:56 am

I attribute this worsening of Silvio to the fact that shot he took to the head last year when that guy bashed him in the face with a trophy.

CthuNHu November 20, 2010 at 2:16 am

"The hand added to Venus and the penis added to Mars are attached by magnets and can be removed without damage."

He attached Venus's hand to Mars's penis with magnets? BEST PRIME MINISTER EVER!!!

What's with the whole "can be removed without damage" thing, though? Are the statues on wheels or something, so they can go, "Oh no, a tour group of schoolkids too young for Silvio to hit on! Quick, release the magnets and slide them into the we're-just-close-naked-friends position!"?

Mort_Sinclair November 20, 2010 at 7:06 am

In all seriousness, given Berlusconi's age, demographic, and behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if what we have here is an advanced case of syphilitic encephalopathy. Bet his brain is little more than swiss cheese now.

unclemort November 20, 2010 at 10:26 am

why no photos? WHERE ARE THE PHOTOS???? I want to see the Blingee version

7pilesofwisdom November 20, 2010 at 11:07 am

How is it that Silvio still lives when Chico, Groucho, Zeppo and Harpo are dead?

BadassKitty November 20, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Pix or GTFO

mrblifil November 20, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Yet presumably Silvio's own johnson has somehow yet to fall off.

user-of-owls November 20, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Anybody know if right-wing trolls are magnetic?

kenlayisalive November 21, 2010 at 3:32 pm

No, they are, in fact, the most unattractive of all solids.

m4mark November 20, 2010 at 5:42 pm

are these magical marble magnets that work on stone
Acai Max Cleanse

fuflans November 20, 2010 at 9:21 pm

well if you must have a self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies as your leader, it is far far better to have one that is sexist, frequently in trouble with the law and routinely offends the e.u…

also, better if that leader is a staunch defender of your nation's cheese.

george bush never went to the mat for our cheddar.

Mindblank November 20, 2010 at 11:44 pm


prezCamacho November 22, 2010 at 9:46 am

Epic Win!

DashboardBuddha November 21, 2010 at 5:57 pm

Silvio adds stuff to a statue…Ashcroft covers a tit. What's wrong with this picture?

Negropolis November 21, 2010 at 9:50 pm

"All of them, Katie." All of them.

chickensmack November 21, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Foregoing contrary opinions, I'd love to see photos of this.

transfatz November 22, 2010 at 5:05 am

I am enjoying Berlusconi's increasing troubles in divorce court where the penis seems to be snapped onto Venus' arm instead.

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