countries that know nothing about art

Silvio Berlusconi Attaching Penises To Ancient Italian Statues, With Magnets

Italy’s culture ministry on Friday defended Premier Silvio Berlusconi for giving ancient marble statues in his office replacement body parts, to the horror of art restorers.

The ministry, which is led by a close ally of the premier, said in a statement there’s no cause for alarm: The hand added to Venus and the penis added to Mars are attached by magnets and can be removed without damage.

Just when you think American government is insane, Silvio Berlusconi always has to come and show us up. So there’s your difference between us and our ally: Our prudes like John Ashcroft cover up the boobs on our statues, whereas their legendary pervs like Berlusconi add sexual organs to their statues. [WP via Wonkette operative “Lily E.” (you’re welcome)]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • V572625694

    Ah, bella Italia, you led us to civilization, to empire , to fascism, almost to communism, to socialized medicine and free education, and now to utter silliness.

  • edgydrifter

    "Detachable Penis" must mean something totally different when sung in Italian.

    • MissTaken

      Now that song is stuck in my head, thank you!

      • Radiotherapy

        I am always in awe to King Missiles' monumental contribution to Western Civilization, Jesus Was Way Cool.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Berlusconi dropped out of Uranus.

  • BornInATrailer

    "…sexual assault with a concrete dildo?!"

    It never dawned on me until now but Silvio Berlusconi is the Frank Drebin of world leaders.

  • el_donaldo

    Well, of course they're going to be detachable. How else could you use them? You should only get worried when he starts to excavate female statues to install the pocket pussies.

  • finallyhappy

    Why doesn't he just slash a painting like every other art hater?

  • chascates

    It's always about sex with that guy.

  • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

    To be fair, I've always thought that the Venus de Milo could stand to have a bigger set of hooters.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Detachable implants. This could be good news for plastic surgeons.

      • Negropolis

        Something about a woman being a Mr. Potato Head isn't too attractive to me.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Get older. Mr. Potato Head starts to look better.

      • bagofmice

        TSA approved!

      • DashboardBuddha

        Detachable implants would work best for women travelers.

        "You want to check my breasts, TSA dude? [click] [click] Here!"

  • Radiotherapy

    I love "junk" art.

  • PocketsTheClown

    And to think for all those years it was strictly fingerbanging for those dudes.

    • wondering where i am

      and no hand jobs

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Well, this should throw off the TSA.

  • ttommyunger

    Want moar details so I can criticize moar feercly. Size, shape, clipped, ereckt, flassid, lefty, riitey. Details, damn you Silvio, you damn tease, details! Signed, "Scooter" ps. Pix would be nice :)

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Well, I suppose the whole point of the marble-magnetism is mix-n-match.

  • Barrelhse

    They've never heard of Velcro?

    • Fare la Volpe

      I'd much prefer to remove my fake genitals with a click than a RRRRRRIIIIIPPPPPP. Just a preference.

      • Barrelhse

        Snap-On Tools?

        • bagofmice

          Or snap off.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Wish I had thought of that.

  • GuyClinch

    Why stop at adding *one* penis to the statue? A failure of the imagination, Silvio

    • GuyClinch

      And Venus could use some marble implants, come to think of it.

  • the_problem_child

    Maybe it's glue or mortar holding the magnets in place. Feel better?

    Me neither.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Classical Greek statues had tiny penis's (the Greeks thought a btig cock was a sign of uncouthness and barbarity). So I wonder if Sylvio's magic magnetic dildos are the traditional petite classical size or nice and big.

    • PsycWench

      Classical Greek statues had tiny penis's (the Greeks thought a btig cock was a sign of uncouthness and barbarity).

      Not because they hurt a lot?

      • Negropolis

        Or because the Greeks were just, well, small?

  • Lucidamente1

    Essendo Berlusconi un testa di cazzo, non mi stupisce che faccia così.

    (trans. Since Berlusconi's a dickhead, it doesn't surprise me that he does this.)

  • imalittleteap0t

    "Magneti cazzo, come funzionano?" -Buffone Pazzo Gruppo Armato di Volontari

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Silvio is my favorite zany world leader. He once complained that the scandal around appointing his favorite 18 year old hooker to the the cabinet was caused by the press–until one of his aides reminded him, "Dude, you OWN the press."

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    That would be great, but I'm not so sure that the Italian populace are any more repulsed by desecration of antiquities than Teabaggers are turned off by assault or patronizing prostitutes when the perps are "our kind of people." There is a strain of sociopathy in Italian culture that lives alongside the Catholic piety. Or at least there used to be, until the emigration to the Jersey Shore.

    • Negropolis

      Nope, it's still very much there. Italy remainds the Louisiana of Europe as far as its politics of corruption are concerned as far as I care.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Um, no objection at all to what you said, but I think it's summarizable as "They're Italians".

    • kenlayisalive

      Meh. At least one Italian had the good sense to smash him in the face.

      Get back to me when an American bloodies George Bush on his book tour.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    You gotta get yourself some marble columns.

  • Negropolis

    Berly is the quintessential "Dirty Old Man." I hate that dirtbag with a passion. He's like the Italian Dubya minus everything else about Dubya, of course. In fact, he's nothing like Bush. He's his own special kind of dickishness.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I must respectfully disagree. He's more like Murdoch, after we pass the amendment that allows Kenyans (woops, Aussies) to be Presnit. With, apparently, boatloads of Viagra.

    • kenlayisalive

      Yes, and he doesn't have the reflexes of Bush either.
      http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/dec/13/silvi

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    I attribute this worsening of Silvio to the fact that shot he took to the head last year when that guy bashed him in the face with a trophy.

  • CthuNHu

    "The hand added to Venus and the penis added to Mars are attached by magnets and can be removed without damage."

    He attached Venus's hand to Mars's penis with magnets? BEST PRIME MINISTER EVER!!!

    What's with the whole "can be removed without damage" thing, though? Are the statues on wheels or something, so they can go, "Oh no, a tour group of schoolkids too young for Silvio to hit on! Quick, release the magnets and slide them into the we're-just-close-naked-friends position!"?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    In all seriousness, given Berlusconi's age, demographic, and behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if what we have here is an advanced case of syphilitic encephalopathy. Bet his brain is little more than swiss cheese now.

  • unclemort

    why no photos? WHERE ARE THE PHOTOS???? I want to see the Blingee version

  • 7pilesofwisdom

    How is it that Silvio still lives when Chico, Groucho, Zeppo and Harpo are dead?

  • BadassKitty

    Pix or GTFO

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Yet presumably Silvio's own johnson has somehow yet to fall off.

  • user-of-owls

    Anybody know if right-wing trolls are magnetic?

    • kenlayisalive

      No, they are, in fact, the most unattractive of all solids.

  • http://acaimaxcleansecanada.org/ m4mark

    are these magical marble magnets that work on stone
    Acai Max Cleanse

  • fuflans

    well if you must have a self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies as your leader, it is far far better to have one that is sexist, frequently in trouble with the law and routinely offends the e.u…

    also, better if that leader is a staunch defender of your nation's cheese.

    george bush never went to the mat for our cheddar.

  • Mindblank

    ArtNutz

    • prezCamacho

      Epic Win!

  • DashboardBuddha

    Silvio adds stuff to a statue…Ashcroft covers a tit. What's wrong with this picture?

    • Negropolis

      "All of them, Katie." All of them.

  • chickensmack

    Foregoing contrary opinions, I'd love to see photos of this.

  • transfatz

    I am enjoying Berlusconi's increasing troubles in divorce court where the penis seems to be snapped onto Venus' arm instead.