Greetings, skankarellas and skankarinos! What did you do this week? Award the Medal of Honor to a very handsome young man in uniform? Announce the recipients of the 2011 Medal of Presidential Freedom? Did you give a fucking medal to anybody, you worthless sack of European rabbit excrement? No, of course not, because you are a value-free bag of tiny turdpellets produced by the Oryctolagus cuniculus. Since you are such a disappointment, let us instead turn our eyes to feast upon the sexy black man who is our 65th president.
On Monday, the Muslim day of rest, Barack Obama did nothing but sit on his prayer rug and text back and forth with his BFF Osama about Dancing with the Stars.
On Tuesday, Barry gave the Medal of Honor to Staff Sergeant Salvatore Giunta, who repeatedly behaves like a class act in the media spotlight and who also is a hot piece of ass. Say what you will about the success or horrific failure of our mission in Afghanistan — at least we’re not sending UGLY PEOPLE over there.
On Wednesday, Obama announced that he would award the Medal of Presidential Freedom to a bunch of Obamacare slaves he is freeing just in time for the holidays. Congratulations, Jean Kennedy Smith, on being the first “Kennedy Smith” to make the news for NOT allegedly raping somebody on a beach (and for allegedly raping or attempting to rape three other women who were willing to testify in that trial but whose testimony was excluded, WHEEE!). Perhaps your acceptance speech will also include reference to that time you were reprimanded by the Secretary of State for retailiating against two foreign-service officers who disagreed with your leadership when you were Ambassador to Ireland. Or that you paid a fine of $5,000 to resolve allegations of an ethics violation. The Lesser Kennedys are sort of like the Greatest Palin, now that I think about it.
On Thursday, he talked about how GM is undead, like a zombie, and how this is a “good thing.” “Our bailout worked, see!” shouted the president, while behind the lectern he gently stroked his member and thought of how hot it will be to give the Medal of Presidential Freedom to Angela Merkel, long an object of American presidential sexytime desires. (Here is a true story: once I was in Berlin doing the comedy and I was kind of losing the crowd because, I don’t know, they were busy thinking of their superior auto industry. I made a joke about unwanted shoulder massages and WON! THEM! BACK! Let this be a lesson about how to do business with the Teutonic peoples.) Also, I guess, Rudy Giuliani was acquitted for 4,999 of 5,000 charges of terrorism?
On Friday, which is today (unless you live in some fucking foreign place like, I don’t know, Australia?), Barack Obama sent a sympathetic love note to Joe Scarborough, who is being persecuted for making political contributions that would be the normsies at FOX or at The History Channel, probably. The note, which was handwritten in the blood of aborted angel fetuses (this blood is golden and pure, did you know?), said, “Joseph, you are my love and my life. You are my inspiration. You and me together can do anything, baby. You and me together, yeah, yeah.” Then he texted Willow Palin: “Not 2 b mean, but like, that Tre kid IS a total faggot, amirite? LOLOLOLOL!” Then it was time for his nap.
Have a glorious weekend, you scumsucking shitbricks. Feel free to put your worthless weekend plans in your terrible comments. Maybe you should make time to do some heathen holiday shopping at your WonketteMart, hmmm? Or oh, I don’t know, here. Or in Riley Waggaman’s underpants drawer. These are all places sure to be full of filthy treasures.
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"Feel free to put your worthless weekend plans in your terrible comments."
I'm going to pee lite beer and find out which team Brent Favre is going to play for on Sunday, Packers or Vikings (His interceptions vs. his touchdowns)
Thanks for asking Ms. Benicasitiotashmaglioni
BrittFarr plays for BrittFarr, first, last, & only.
Brett Favre will be texting Bristol and Willow Palin in his special manner.
Is to too much to ask why his name is pronounced "Farv" when it is clearly spelled "FAHV-ruh," if you'll pardon my French?
Oh, thank you. It irks me every time I hear it or see it in print. Either someone does not know how to spell or speak, and probably both. American corruptions do not allow for pronouncing letters in reverse on any count.
Same reason the town he grew up in (Kiln, MS) is pronounced "Keen".
Favre is the number between four and five. Pronunciation depends on whether you are rounding up or down.
Umm…because it's French, which in the American South (and most of the rural areas of this god-forsaken nation) might as well be Satan's mother tongue/native language.
I reread this post and tried to dock one point, someone help me out. Fuck I'm never good when I go I first…
Out here in the desert, he's simply Burt Farr — no nonsense in the aridity. I'm sure they pronounce it like that in Eye-Rack, too.
And to think Bush gave out medals to people who rightly should have been sent to prison.
(but i doan wanna go firss. she mite bite me. or tell me to bite her. or somethin.)
Stay in the box, you'll be safe.
Today we all skumsucking shitbricks.
We call it "Friday" around here.
Barack is texting Willow Palin? First, it was Mc Guinness. Now, the Pres. Is there no limit to these paedarasts who will stop at nothing to entice the angelic Palin brood?
"Did you give a fucking medal to anybody, you worthless sack of European rabbit excrement?"
Hey now. European's a bit harsh…
Weekend plans:
*Guide the mental body of Greg Oden's knees from the bardo realms and back into this world of samsaric forms.
*Drink some homebrew and discuss dialectical materialism with my cat
*Try to finish this goddamned PhD in time to join a workforce that will have no use for me except to let their kids cheat on their homework.
I'm in another amateur theatrical production opening this weekend.
But you don't all have to fly out this weekend; it runs for three weeks.
ok so WHICH Chamberlain are you, or maybe George Wood?
I'm the good looking one.
(Or maybe George Wood. That's a pretty good name.)
For real, Turns? I just finished up a ten-year PhD stretch–guess what, it's only worse after you're done!
Yes, that's the complete truth.
And ugh, thanks for confirming what I suspected to be true about how my trial's going.
well all y'all confirm my suspicion about Wonkateers bein' a buncha over-edjumacated liberal elitists…if only ya had more jesus life would turn MUCH better for ya, cuz NOBODY fucks with the jesus! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IONyLZn0pLI
I looked up all your references on the googlewiki. Are you going to pass me, or do I have to copy/paste a paper? What if I threw together a 4-part Prog Suite in GarageBand called "Tales From Samsaric Odens"?
Everyone gets an A.
You'd have my eternal gratitude if you could put the meniscus back in the knee joints of Brandon Roy and/or Greg Oden. Until someone does I'll be on a strict drug regimen.
misc. trivia, Greg Oden's mom works with a good friend of mine (and I think one of 'em met Kevin Bacon?) Anyway, despite his misfortune's on the b-ball court he's a fine young man!
So pursuing a PhD would, whenever any relatives or friends of my parents ask, give me a valid excuse for being an unemployed bum who spends most of my time reading and writing useless shit? Hmmmm, wonder if I can enroll in a program by Monday.
It's not a very good excuse at all. No one buys it. Everyone knows the score. Sorry, but you're better off selling insurance. Or writing the homework of rich people's kids for pay.
Yes, but it's very expensive, unless St. Sarah brings back the Year of Jubilee when debts are forgiven!
If you really want to feel cheerful about "academic integrity," here's a happy piece: "The man who writes your students' papers tells his story". Yeeps. Also good commiserations on the topic over at Making Light.
The truly sad thing is, even if I had the negotiable ethics necessary to work for an essay mill, I don't have the attention span or productivity to pull it off. I'd flunk out of the cheating business.
It's a legitimate shitstorm. You can see the stakes in the comments on the Chronicle piece: because of enrollment pressures, no one kicks out an undergrad for cheating. (NOTE: I'm looking at you, Sarah Palin.) This is because undergraduates are really profitable. Meanwhile, these boys and girls feel bent over a barrel by expectations from home and anxieties about the future… like there's no future if they fuck it up, unless they're already loaded and it's a free ride. Perverse incentives all around.
Now I'm switching off the Wonkette and going for a bottle of $2 Chuck.
Yup, I had a feeling that you might have already read it…
yo, two thumbs up on the 2 buck Chuck, just got back from the local Trader Joes and enjoying some fine, cheap wine myself (you'd think I could learn to make this shit outta water by now?)
that is so cool but where was this dude when I was sweatin' out the papers in college, on a freakin' typewriter fer gawd's sake!
Reprimand, shmeprimand, call me when there's a smackdown.
I am spending my weekend grading Abnormal Psychology papers, also. WHAT IS IT ABOUT ANOREXIA THAT FASCINATES THESE PEOPLE????
They wish they could have it (A-N) so they'd be more lovable. Aren't you properly instructing them?
Gee, maybe all that "write what you know" advice?
ouch, Abnormal Psych is whacked, my undergrad major was Educational Psych, until I realized after two years that mosta my classmates were NUTZ, and drove trucks! (hey it was in Tucson, all those asshole drive pickups!)
Hey, wait a minute–I drive a pickup! It holds a hella lot more recycleables, you know, to supplement my old folk's pension…
Dear Sara, I think you have a confused. It was the Gitmo Ghailani verdict, not the New Yawker Giuliani verdict. Giuliani is the midtown philosopher with the famous anus quip "merdo, ergo sum." Ghaliani is the Tanzanian
surfboarderwaterboarder who got confused about what a good blow job really is.Medal of Freedom to GHWB? WTF? He deserves the Metal of Freedom. You know, like iron bars! So we can haz the freedom, and he can't.
These days the Medal of Freedom = the plexiglas belly button award, which lets you see where you are going even when you have your head up your ass! Very useful, I expect, to GHWB!
Weekend plans:
Moving. Ugh. At least the next weekend is four days.
The Palins = (lesser Kennedies – aristocratic charm) plus snow mobiles
I'm just assuming equal parts rape stuff.
Ah, Lesser Kennedys. Kind of like the Bush Twins vs. the Hilton Sisters.
Me likey.
Damn, that was good!
Ya know, most Republicans pay good money for S&M, but we getz it freeeeeeeeeeeee!
lovely avatar btw!
"Have a glorious weekend, you scumsucking shitbricks."
I hope Willow Palin gets into a flame war with you. You would own her.
Is there still time to start a lottery on which 10-15 year old Wasilla kid first gets to "play doctor" with Piper Palin? Or has that prize already been won?
some kid named beechnut, is what i heard.
"let us instead turn our eyes to feast upon the sexy black man who is our 65th president"
Amen to that.
Can we stare at Cord instead? I like to have semi-realistic porn fantasy goals.
Is this Wonkette, or some new Shonda Rhimes show on ABC? "Cord's Anatomy"?
Um…two fingers of blood of aborted angel fetuses, please. On the rocks. Thanks.
Here's a jar from Barbara Bush for you.
If the other sociopaths that dropped out of barbra butch are any indication, That fetus is no angel.
Weekend plans, as requested by the redoubtable Ms Benincasa:
Friday evening: 2006 Fess Parker Rio Vista Vineyard Pinot Noir
Saturday until drinky-time: Pilsner Urquell as required while watching "House" reruns on Bravo
Saturday evening: 2009 Sanford Rita Hills Pinot — a bit young, but really, really good
Sunday morning: same as Saturday, while watching football
Sunday evening: 2005 Brunello di Montalcino
Oh and Sara: the Wonkette merch page is a bit graphics deprived these days.
What V, no Palin's Alaskan Politics Hour on Sunday night? Bottom's up.
STAY OUT OF MY WINE CELLAR!
OK, so it's not really a cellar, it's a box in the back of the closet, but I've been SAVING that pinot, man…
wow. if i knew any cool people, i'd totally be shopping at haus of casa this weekend.
instead i will be shopping at haus of peapod for bird day.
See, that's from when awards were REAL men! Awards for gittin killed! Nine times! Give 'em nine awards!
I've awarded a very handsome man in uniform before and honor had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I think I still have my cub scout uniform! Oh, did you say "handsome"? Oh, well. Never mind.
Staff Sarge Giunta is indeed, I was going to say "a gorgeous hunk of testosterone love" – but "hot piece of ass" works too.
Merkel and Obama have already had the sexy time if the diorama at Legoland Deutschland is to be believed.
Verbal abuse from Sara makes me hell of sad… but hotlinking Riley's author page at the end is like having the last word in a stream of expletives be the password to Candyland. So, net win, Benincasa, I'll see you on Formspring.
I shall be at my gracious weekend getaway cottage (by that I mean in my sofa cushion fort trembling at the state of the world).
Thumbs up for making me laugh.
I will spend this evening yelling at the Jeopardy contestants, followed by mute horror at whatever Pat Buchanan and Monica Crowley manage to come up with, followed by meticulous experimentation with apple cider and bourbon. Ideally the rest of the weekend will be spent hiding from law enforcement and regressing to australopithecene levels of civil behavior.
While I'm actually enjoying these glimpses into the personal world of the potty-mouthed losers I call the wonkeratti, could you people speak in words that the history majors among us can understand?
Revolutions of 1848, anyone?
Feel free to put your worthless weekend plans in your terrible comments
It's a ruse people.
She just wants her comments number to go up by appealing to our vanity. Does anybody really care what kind of gun Neilist is playing with this weekend? Or who is tongue punching whose fart box?
But me?
It's Proust in the French while listening to my impressive Kenny G collection and basking in some sandalwood/lavender aromatherapy. Care to join?
elitist.
For a long time I used to go to bed early.
No moolit walks on the beach?
Flaming cows? Trendy, but who cleans up?
One might think that was a typo and that I meant moonlit, but au contraire as a frenchy fan like you would prefer.
As a proud child of the 'Run of '93 and the hardy women who settled the Dust Bowl, I happen to know that there would be no need to flame the cows. Those patties work fine as firewood and would lend a romantic walk on the beach lined with mood, or moo, lighting.
Trendy AND green.
For some reason (well, I guess my session timed out and I was too stupid to figure that out) I've been unable to reply to your reply (to my reply? Whatever).
But you win this exchange. As a child of Wisconsin, I should have foreseen your remoodiation.
An Ultraman squirt gun.
Last weekend I took MDMA and watched Walking Dead. The combination was pleasant beyond all expectation. Sadly I face this weekend without even the most tenuous wisp of chemical veil to hold between sad fragile self and cold uncaring world. Scumsucking shitbricks indeed.
I plan on getting blown tonight, then sleeping through the weekend in a state of satiation and satisfaction. The soulcrushing weight of Monday should be all that much more depressing after the joys of some human contact and a good sleep.
That's cool, but what will your wife be doing? Hi-yo!
Wishing I had more than 30 seconds of stamina.
You had me at Oryctolagus cuniculus.
Despite being a radical liberal, I am attending a Thanksgiving Parade in Silver Spring, going to a reception at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History(we have pay phones!) for the Hyperbolic Crochet Coral reef and going to IMAX Harry Potter on Sunday. No alcohol(but I hear there are cookies and hot cider at the reception) and maybe a grande soy latte to keep myself warm at the parade. Don't hate me because I am having so much exciting fun
Sound exciting to me.
These numbers must be wrong. There's no way our Sara has only 772 views in three hours.
Whip me again, mistress. I feel like Glen Beck having a nervous breakdown on air reading that (in a good way).
Me? I'm sending calculatedly desperate-sounding emails to any Dem in Congress who I think might be persuaded to find the stones to vote for Unemployment extension, because I would like to still have my shitbox apartment come December. For shits and giggles, I'm also writing to my own fine representatives, but seeing as how I live in Idaho, I am not holding my breath.
Oh, yeah, and applying for whatever vomit-mopping jobs might be available.
Oh, yes, and drinking, though around here that kinda goes without saying.
Good luck to you – I own my own company and have not paid myself for the last 6 months so I could keep all my employees. However, this month was the breaking point for me and I had to let go of 3 of my 15 employees so I could continue on. Don't believe the shit being spewed that refucklitards give a shit about small business, because I live in Texas – and refucklitards have been the overlords here for the entire time I have owned my company (since 1997).
I feel your pain when it comes to writing to representatives, here in Oklafuckinghoma. Good luck. Maybe we can take up a collection? Or Ken will donate a day's worth of profits from wonkmall and we can do all our Xmas shopping there?
As a recipient of the AF Distinguished Flying Cross, I have only one thing to say to Staff Sgt. Sal Giunta- HA HA – I GOT MY MEDAL FROM A REAL AMERICAN – NOT A MUSLIN!!! Not really – congrats to a real badass mofo – it takes balls of steel to do what he did, and no party can hijack bravery and courage to go get one of your own. I flew military aircraft in combat, so I couldn't just stop and pick someone up when the shit hit the fan, but his kind would have given their lives to pick me up if they could have gotten to me b4 the enemy did – HOOAH!
Even if he only killed one of the other guys and wounded another and risked his life to save a fellow soldier and is therefore a big pussy, I cannot imagine running toward enemy fire instead of away from it. I can't even imagine being anywhere people are shooting at anybody.
I'm obviously still incredibly disgusted by the chickenhawk ersatz Xian who claimed he didn't deserve this because, unlike Jesus, he didn't kill enough people. (What fucking bible do these asshats read? Oh, of course. They don't read the bible, they read the James Dobson interpretation of said text.)
Just a little insight into the military – as tommyyunger said on another post, Sgt. Giunta had an incredible "salad" on his chest, ie – a big fucking stack of medals. You don't get that shit at the age of 25 without being a bad mofo – not to mention the fact that he now has the CMOH. I will tell you this, there are 10 to 20 people in every fight that deserves recognition, but only one or two make people's eyes water when they tell the story – and obviously – Sgt. Giunta was that guy. Audie Murphy gave credit to several men in his troop who exhibited bravery – but he was still a badass MOFO!!
Because as a Democrat in the vortex of the Bible Belt where the grand jury indicted sheriff, it turns out, forced prisoners to read only King James Bible commentary pre-approved by him and who is in the only family who sees anything wrong with this, my self-esteem isn't low enough.
Thanks, Sara, for reminding me how fucked I am. What keeps me returning to "my" wonkette? The respect the editors show the wonkeratti. Thanks for asking, Sara. I'll be attending the incredible shrinking only liberal church in the county. Where Jesus is weeping loudly at the pricks doing dickwad unconstitutional shit in his honor.
Fuck, this country is totally fucked. Especially where I am. If only land wasn't so cheap and taxes so low.
I'm proud to be a scumsucking shitbrick. Thanks for the alliterative wonkout, Sara.
I dunno…while "scumsucking shitbricks" is quite good, I don't think it measures up to last week's "stinking, filthy fuckaducks." But I'm sentimental that way.
Get some for me, will you? My arthritis is killing me. Fucking okies will never approve medical marijuana and around here, I'd be terrified of being caught with the shit. Not to mention what it would do to my cred as a Sunday School teacher.
But until you got caught, you'd be the most popular Sunday School teacher EVAR.
What the hell are you on? This sounds like the product of an unemployed English major working as a sub teacher who scored some acid from an old college friend who left school when his parents sent him to the loony bin but it didn't help.
Or at least, that's what I heard.
i'm just a cat in a cardboard box. sometimes i gets me some pretty wicked catnip.
bats are coming out of the walls now, i gotta run.
Reza Aslan (sp?) has slicked up and is wearing contacts, but he was much cuter in his glasses with his hair bed-mussed. Except–isn't he gay?
Don't work blue kid. You're too good.
I've been enjoying a bout of the stomach flu since yesterday. So, this weekend it looks like I'll be laying around uncomfortably while feeling as though I'm either going to puke my guts out or shit like a duck, with the added bonuses of bearing through the pre-root canal pain of one tooth and the mind numbing pain of a wisdom tooth.
Oh and I get to decide which credit card the $850 root canal goes on since I have no health or dental insurance and only $250 in checking. Also: I get to ponder why no fucking retail stores will hire me, but they'll hire the double-digit IQ high-school drop outs who can't put a full sentence together properly?
Oh, god, you get a sympathy pee on that one–at least a thumbs up, which is all I can do. I am so bummed that the hardship I read about in the paper and see in the news is happening right here, in wonkland. Sucks.
I'm with DustBowl, here's a sympathy fist-up for you. But at least you have a nice green dildo, at least I think that's what that is.
Thanks to you both. And I guess it's a green dildo, I just thought it was a goofy image. In reality, my dildo is purple. It's right creepy.
You did rather gloss over the other Medal of Freedom winners: Stan Musial, for being a great American sports hero who some people have heard of and has never, to the best of our knowledge, sent pictures of his poker to anybody, and Bush I, for not being Bush II.
I actually found the MOF press release interesting for informing me that Stan the Man wasn't dead yet. I'm thinking this could be a good bar bet in a couple weeks.
I have no idea what that means, other than it might be simulating a twit, which I also don't give a shit about.
I've always considered myself pretty mentally agile, but if the singularity turns out to have Twitter in its light cone, I'm afraid I'll be space-like.
Well, it means I was at a club, called chop suey (Seattle). I was hanging out with a few of my friends who do/did the stripping thing. We were listening to the artist mochipet. I figure I'd bring some balance to the old and boring declarations of Friday night activities.
Sara,
having lived among them, the way to win over teutonic peoples is with Scheisse humor. They luvs them some poop and ass jokes!
As for the weekebnd, since I've got a dear friend from childhood visiting and it's too rainy for middle-aged guy activities like golf. We'll be reliving our youth playing boardgames, drinking beers (substitute for Mountain Dew) with LotR running on continuous loop in the background. If only I still had my old D&D stuff. Howz that for loserdom?
Oh and Sara, you're really getting into the dominatrix-like abuse of your grovelling, adoring fans. What's next? Telling us to lick your riding crop?
Too many Fox viewers would keel over if the network altered the narrative now. Besides, is GM really a more important topic than Bristol still being on DWTS?
Yep, we have to make voting sexy again… like way back in 2008
In fact in Spain it's Orgasmic
Orgasmic Voting Video
A political campaign video that suggests voting is comparable to a sexual experience causes outrage in Spain. http://www.newslook.com/videos/267685-orgasmic-vo...
Obama "medal of freedom"
now Bush Sr can join his friends
Blair Bremer Cheney Greenspan Kissinger
Merkel Podhoretz Rockefeller Rummy Tenet Uribe
Am I the only one whose weekend plan is along the lines of "holy shit, there are going to be a bunch of people here in less than a week. Clean like the wind! Why do we have all of this crap in the house?"
"Scumsucking shitbricks???" Now Sara, that was MEAN! And I am enjoying my weekend sipping what is known as a "Gentleman's Martini." Let me rephrase that — I am spending my weekend drinking MANY "Gentlemen's Martinis." Cheers!
Oh snap.
Interesting but I can't really imagine the GOP giving her the nomination anyway. So I am looking for her to get the dumbass teabagger third party nod- she can be the reason the GOP loses again. HOORAY!
They are so scared of her. They realize that they own her failures, because she sure as hell doesn't take responsibility for her failures.
There's always this talk about being careful for what one wishes for. I have absolutely no problem saying "bring her on." If she thought 2008 was hard on her as a vice presidential candidate, she doesn't even want to see glimpses of what 2012 will be like. As the VP candidate, the Dems didn't want to give her undue attention. Now, with her sucking up all the air in the room, all of the fire will be trained right at her.
John who?
I kind of have the feeling that she's just saying she might be running to keep the media focused on her so she can sell books and stuff.
And that's the same thing I thought about Barry 4 years ago, so you can rate my reliability on your own.
Girl's got an ego the size of, well, Alaska. She won't just run for president of the United States, if she loses, she'll just make up another post to run for, like Earth Ambassador to the Galactic Senate or some shit.
I gets all hawt when a woman talks mean.
My weekend primarily involves public masturbation. Weird hours but it's work.
I would just note that Oryctolagus cuniculus produces some of the best compost material for a garden, so Sara when you say that we are a "value-free bag of tiny turd-pellets" you mean that we are good enough to fertilize squash plants! So, thanks for the compliment!
As a valueless turdbag, I resemble that insinuation!
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