Fancy Flying John Boehner Not Subject To Death Porn Tubes Or Pat-Downs

  franking terrorists

SNEAKY!Yes, the government of the United States of America does have to rub down your child’s genitals before he or she boards an airplane, because American toddlers are constantly being moved by their religious and political convictions to blow up large modes of transportation. But what about John Boehner? Nah, he’s fine. We don’t need to check him at all, much less make him go through even a metal detector. “Mr. Boehner, who was wearing a casual yellow sweater and tan slacks, carried his own bags and smiled pleasantly at passengers who were leaving the security checkpoint inside the airport terminal. It was unclear whether any passengers waiting in the security line, including Representative Allen Boyd, a Florida Democrat who lost his re-election bid, saw Mr. Boehner.” Like everything the TSA does, this absurd anecdote makes a lot of sense.

Representative John A. Boehner, soon to be the Speaker of the House, has pledged to fly commercial airlines back to his home district in Ohio. But that does not mean that he will be subjected to the hassles of ordinary passengers, including the controversial security pat-downs.

Right, John Boehner would never do anything to hurt this country.

So if you happen to fly from D.C. to Ohio in the next few years, you may get a glimpse of this dark-skinned man bypassing security, unmolested, with whatever it is he’s carrying under his sweater. You may feel he is a threat to security, or recognize him and feel he’s taunting you for having to go through the damn invasive security measures he let happen to you, but you will probably not be doing either of those things, because you will be concentrating on trying not to get a boner (or lady-boner) while the nice TSA official rubs down your gonads.

So the only way to truly “opt-out” from this sort of thing is to be a presumptive or current Speaker of the House. Fine. Where do we sign up for that? [NYT]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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172 comments

  1. Respitetini

    That's just racist. So, white people need to be anally probed. And so do black people, yellow people, red people and brown people. But orange people? They get off scott-free. Racist, I tell you!

    1. Dimitrios_M

      You talk like the TSA groper don't wear prophylactic surgical glove when fondling your junk.

      OMG you mean they don't?

      Now I don't know who to feel the sorriest for.

  2. wondering where i am

    "lady boner"? Hmm. Do you mean engorged clitoris? Is this a new term you silly kids have come up with?

    1. V572625694

      If you'd studied your Freud like a good little boy or girl, you'd know that a clitoris is just an undersized penis. This is A Scientific Fact, and explains why women get "hysterical" all the time, and why little Sigmund's Mutti was so mean to him.

        1. wondering where i am

          Yeah. Why not look at the penis as an oversized clitoris. I can hear the Public Service ad now: the clitoris, neat, sweet and discrete.

      1. user-of-owls

        And if you'd studied your Wonkette, you'd know that, a) Sarah "girl boner" Benincasa has exclusive rights herein for that phrase; and b) we are NOT silly kids, we are DIZZY kids. Just ask Dame WhatsHerName.

  3. ShaveTheWhales

    January 3, 2011

    Secret Service Guy: Mr. Speaker, what with you being second in line of succession and all, it's really a matter of National Secur

    Boner: Oh, if you insist. Since it's for the troopz. Where's that Gulfstream at? I can smoke on board, right?

    1. lochnessmonster

      Speaking of the troops, are they going to be feeling up our service ppl as well when they fly home to see grandma???

    2. jim89048

      Once he's made his point that Nancy Pelosi was too elite to fly commercial, he'll cave to pressure from his own side to take the military/industrial flight instead.

    3. Sparky_McGruff

      You betcha. It's nothing but a publicity stunt.

      The day there is an emergency and they have to turn Delta 638 back to DCA (re-routing 300 passengers), he'll be the laughing stock of the country.

  4. SorosBot

    "because you will be concentrating on trying not to get an boner (or lady-boner) while the nice TSA official rubs you down your gonads"

    Speak for yourself; from now on if I have to fly I'll be going commando and trying to think of sex in line just to make it as uncomfortable as possible for the TSA security goons.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Hell, from now on, I'm adding on a prosthetic, like at the end of Boogie Nights. Let the TSA shake in fear!!!!

      Actually, come to think of it, if Al Qaeda was smart, they would have their next bomber wear C4 as a prosthetic penis. Heck, I think I just stumbled on the plot of the next Tom Clancy novel.

        1. V572625694

          Terrorist prosthetic boobs — be afraid!
          The TSA screener "put her full hand on my breast and said, 'What is this?' " Bossi told the station. "And I said, 'It's my prosthesis because I've had breast cancer.' And she said, 'Well, you'll need to show me that.' "

          Bossi said she removed the prosthetic from her bra. She did not take the name of the agent, she said, "because it was just so horrific of an experience, I couldn't believe someone had done that to me. I'm a flight attendant. I was just trying to get to work."

          I like the way she says, "I'm a flight attendant, not some shitty passenger you can abuse at your leisure like we do!"

          That said, what an awful experience! Another Giovanni Pistole triumph.

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            I didn't read that as "I'm a flight attendant, so I should be privileged". More like "I'm just doing this because I have to", like all the other business travelers in the line.

            Also I'm drunk, or I wouldn't comment on this.

            But think of how much C-4 you could put in a D-cup. Now that the idea is out there.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    I'm no bigot, Jack, but whenever I see one of those tangelo-Americans at the airport in their native garb I get a little nervous.

    1. V572625694

      I think we have our definitive sobriquet for the Speaker-Presumptive. Si/W, you are awe-inspiring. This at least warrants a Medal of Freedom.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Aww shucks — you're too kind. And I'm sure I'm not the first person to call him that, but if you want to heap praise on me, I'm not gonna stop you.

      2. Radiotherapy

        No doubt, Wooks, whenever I get on a plane or the Metro I get queasy if there is a tangelo-American aboard.
        (Here come the fists up.)

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Considering the other common name for the tangerine, can the Secret Service give Boner any code name other than "Mandarin Orange".

      1. jim89048

        I've heard of that Manchurian candidate, but now we have to worry about a Mandarin candidate as well?

  6. edgydrifter

    The rubes loved it when Leatherface said he would only fly commercial, because it sounded way better than saying "all flights will be my private flights" and laughing manically, which would have been the truth.

  7. Eve8Apples

    That's the problem with Republicans – they don't know how to enjoy government benefits. Only a Democrat can truly appreciate a government funded hand job. In fact, I go to the airport for a thorough government groping at least three times a week, and I don't even have a plane ticket.

  8. harry_palmer

    Almost – almost – makes me wish Boner would find a pressing need for some of that great Socialized medical care that he also staunchly opposes for the rest of us. But it'd piss me off to think I'm paying for it.

    1. Radiotherapy

      weejee,
      As I recall, you are a Vietnam vet, Sí, mi amigo?
      Well then, did you catch that tidbit in the news today about giving $700 Million to the "first responders." Some 10,000 heroes who fought the toxic dust battles of the WTC demolition — all the while wearing respirators. WhiskeyTangoFoxtwat? What a fucking shakedown, pay-off, hush money scam this is. How sad it is that Agent Orange victims never got anything more than another report from the National Academy of Sciences.

      1. weejee

        Si, but I only got into areas of super heavy agent orange a couple of times. Sweet place called the Rung Sat. Other times were west of Củ Chi along the Cambodian border. Seems I was always passing through and never in one of those areas when the crop dusters were at work.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    Just to play the devil's advocate (literally) in defense of this abuse of privilege, have you SEEN John Boehner lately? I mean, can you IMAGINE what he'd look like after being baked in the radiation chamber after a few dozen flights?

        1. OneDollarJuana

          I'm positive this is why Boehner won't go through the machine or pat down. We'd find his shortcoming, and also confirm that it's orange, too.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    In fairness to the TSA, they cannot subject Mr. Boehner to the scans, as the radiation from his own body overcomes that from the machines.

  11. chascates

    Mr. Boehner, who was wearing a casual yellow sweater and tan slacks…

    There is no such thing as a 'casual yellow sweater'. They couldn't stand looking at his attire let alone gawking at his orange 'House member'.

  12. SecretMuslin

    That's awesome – I'm sure he's one of the first shits to defend the invasive groping policies of the TSA. It's easy to approve something when you don't personally have to live with the remifications. Smug, priviledged orange guy is smug and priviledged.

  13. Maman

    I am sure he would make the same kind of commentary that my mom used to, "I should BE so lucky to get felt up in the airport". Of course, when they started this new system and the TSA drone stuck her hand down Mom's shirt, she sang a different tune. Apparently, I am not so much of a Communist as we thought. HA!

    1. Dimitrios_M

      This sort of shit has been going on for years, but we've only started to hear any major squawking now, because now it is happening to normal, decent, fag-hating, racist, church-going god-bothering, heterosexual Caucasians.

      Now that they are finally coming to grab their junk, they are suddenly able to feel the humiliation, too.

  14. Bluestatelibel

    I thought the whole point of this thing was that ANYONE could be a terrorist, including the 90-year-old grandmother, 6-year-old, etc. And part of the thinking is that a terrorist could be blackmailing you, or planting something on you without you knowing. But suddenly Boner gets a pass? What is he, Jesus Christ?

    1. LetUsBray

      Jesus Christ, given the part of the world he hails from, would surely make Juan Williams and the rest of Teabag Nation nervous if he showed up at an airport.

  15. DahBoner

    They waved him through because they couldn't find anyone working in TSA who wanted to see the Boehner's boner.

  16. PublicLuxury

    The Boehner line : Father was an acorn squash and the mother was a pumpkin. When cross pollinated they made the boner. Truly a mutant among the pure. It was the feature on Scientists Gone WIld, Show Me Your Tits episode #13.

  17. glamourdammerung

    So does this mean we get to see email forwards and urban myths from the Retard-Americans of how much money Boehner is wasting flying around like a queen and boozing it up on the taxpayer dime?

      1. OneDollarJuana

        It costs the taxpayers $200 MILLION for EACH FLIGHT he takes, because he has a large retinue, including a special chef! This is true, I know it!

        Pass it on!

      2. glamourdammerung

        Only if you hurry up and get to writing them.

        Unlike teabaggers, I have better things to do than make up lies so that I have something to be impotently angry over.

  18. ttommyunger

    In order to grope the Boner one would have to first get past the Nicotine Haze, withstand the wine boquet, then negotiate the spray-tan coating him just to get to the basic smarmy surface of the man. I have it on good authority that this mix is so toxic that past TSA gropers have suffered erupted tumors on contact. That's why they give him a pass. Some guys just have all the luck.

  19. YasserArraFeck

    Yes, but is 3 ounces of orange dye enough to cover the average bo(eh)ner? If I don't apply at least a half pint, mine looks kind of blotchy.

  20. stevnjessie1

    I hope he's flying SouthWest. If I see an empty window seat next to him, I'll gladly opt for the center seat between 2 fat alcoholics.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, come ON. You wouldn't push through a crowd of confused travelers standing in the aisle trying to figure out why their carry-ons keep bouncing off the compartments that are already jammed full in order to sit NEXT to him?

      Hell, I would. And I'd even ignore the surrounding cloud of guys in suits as I conducted completely reasonable and polite in-flight conversation with him.

      Just so I could start every sentence with "So, Speaker BONER…"

      Ah, it is to dream. The asshole won't actually fly commercial between Jan 3, 2011 and Jan 3ish, 2013 (dog willing).

  21. VinnyThePooh

    I'm sure the TSA folks had the biggest, meanest baggage thrower they could find on standby; ready to manhandle John's little dried apricot like it was a 50-pound duffle bag.

  22. WordSaladNation

    On a related note: several weeks ago, one of my middle school students had to give a speech in front of his class about American government. In his speech, he mentioned Speaker Boehner several times, pronouncing his name correctly each time. I was impressed.

    It was only when I read the speech later that I realized he had had written "John Boehner (BAY-NER)" every time he had to say Speaker Boehner's last name, just so he wouldn't trip himself up. I have to give the kid credit for thinking ahead!

  23. Slim_Pickins

    Didn't Speaker-in-waiting Boehner once say, "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." No wait, that was it was the neonazi communist, Ben Franklin, that said that.

  24. Slim_Pickins

    TSA agent to his supervisor, "Oh, terrorists. I thought you said we were supposed to keep TOURISTS off the planes!"

  25. Negropolis

    Can we give him the Dayton Treatment, you know, where you just go up and cold punch the bastard in the chest?

      1. di_da_is_alpha

        /// "That can't all be your dog." ///

        Not sure what message you're trying to convey here. Bad syntax? Did you mean "That can't be all (of) your dog."? Well, it is. All that's left of her, anyway. I have another dog and two cats, but they're all quadrupeds.

        Or was it a typo? "That can't all be you (not "your", and it should be followed by a comma) dog." That would make sense, taking into account your second sentence, except for the description next to my avatar which makes it obvious that the dog is "mine", and not "me".

        In any case, it was a pretty pathetic comeback, but at least it was better than "poopyhead". Now try again and make it witty this time. Originality is a plus, but wit is a must.

  26. ShaveTheWhales

    I think he should be strip and cavity searched, flayed, drawn, quartered, and incinerated.

    But TSA just doesn't take my calls any more.

  27. Mort_Sinclair

    I gotta say if I were ever unfortunate enough to have to be flying to Ohio and THEN found myself sitting next to our orange overlord, who I imagine is simply steeped in some deeply offensive men's cologne, I think I might just go postal with my spork.

    1. zhubajie

      Remember, when you land in the Cincinutty airport (in Northern Kentucky), turn your watch back 10 years!

  28. JackObin

    No need to pat down the great Mr. Boner. All they'd find is a pack of cigarettes and a photo of Nancy Pelosi in her birfday suit.

  29. x111e7thst

    Has anyone seen the Orange Boehner's Long Form Birf Certifikate? Since he will soon be third in the line of succession to the presidency elementary prudence would seem to indicate that the Amerikkkun Peepul be assured that he is not some sort of insect with a human brain, or human with an insect brain. He has after all never denied it.
    What does he have to hide?

    1. weejee

      Chalchiuhtecolotl, you're such an optimist. Is Boehner an orange Jack Merridew and Eric Cantor Piggy? With the load of frosh Teatards and carry-over Truknutz the Repubes have in the house Boehner will need a Tom Delay on steroids to keep the group together. I don't think Cantor carries that big a hammer, so it should be fun watching the Republican House asplod during the next two years. The conservtard fratricide may make Antietam, Sharpsburg fer you Southerns, look like Swan Lake.

      1. user-of-owls

        Personally, I'm waiting for that caucus to devolve into a Republican version of mitnal.

        Ah-Puch for House Speaker!

        1. di_da_is_alpha

          Examples to back up your claims? How about the anti First Amendment fairness doctrine? Oh, that's a progressive idea. How about anti Second Amendment gun bans? Left-wing, again.

          You can run your mouth and say that up is down and black is white, but it doesn't make it so. Time to grow up and wise up and quit supporting government sponsored slavery. See you in November of 2012. ; )

          1. user-of-owls

            I'm intrigued. How does one go about "sponsoring" slavery? Is it one of those deals where they buy a square foot of a NASCAR hood and plaster, "USA Slavery!"? Or maybe the government gets naming rights, like the Uncle Sam Slavery Bowl.

          2. imissopus

            Billboards everywhere! Or the outfield walls of baseball stadiums. Also I keep hearing the announcer on Hulu saying things like "This full episode of Castle is brought to you by the Confederated Slave Owners of America."

          3. user-of-owls

            Morning Edition is brought to you by;
            ADM, supermarket to the world, and by;
            Slaves R' U.S., just in time for the harvest;
            and by listeners like you.
            Thank you for your contribution.

          4. di_da_is_alpha

            The draft sux. Conscripted armies aren't near as effective as highly motivated, well equipped, all volunteer armies. It's the left that usually talks about bringing back the draft because it's cheaper to equip a million guys with rifles than 100,000 with hi-tech equipment. And if you spend money on defense, you have less with which to buy votes, in the form of welfare, both corporate and individual. Making people dependent on the government is a form of slavery. There are just a few things the federal government should do, and defense is one of them.

            Of course, soldiers should be the ones choosing the equipment to be used. When I was stationed at Field Station Berlin, helping to win the cold war (as a volunteer in MI SIGINT) without firing a shot, some dumbass bureaucrat decided that we needed new receivers, so our old, reliable R-390s were replaced with new digital receivers.

            Only problem is, you can't fine tune a digital the way you can the old dial types, so if a russian was transmitting on a frequency that was near another transmission, say a teletype, in many instances you could barely hear the commie and couldn't dial him in well enough to catch all the chatter. And forget about DF; for that, the equipment required tuning the enemy signal till you found the "trough", something that couldn't be done with a digital receiver.

            Those new digital receivers must have financially benefited some politician, and the soldiers be damned. Government SNAFU.

          5. glamourdammerung

            Still waiting for an actual answer to my simple question.

            Examples to back up your claims of government sponsored slavery?

          6. glamourdammerung

            I wanted an actual answer, not a random link to an unrelated strawman "argument".

            The fact that this was the best you could do in two days tells us that you simply either have no clue what you are posting about or being obnoxious for the sheer sake of it. Or both.

            Thanks for the clarification though. I thought you may have had an actual point.

          7. di_da_is_alpha

            Why bother telling you what most of us already know, but you deny? Slavery to the state is still slavery. What happens when people are forced to do more than stand in line and fill out some papers to get their "Obama money"? What happens when they are told to do some simple task for the state in exchange for the cash, something like, say, pick some cotton?

          8. glamourdammerung

            And yet, you still can not come up with an example after several days now.

            Weak cop-out is weak.

          9. glamourdammerung

            Weak cop-out is weak.

            I can not only count to one, but I can read who I am replying so that I do not end up making stupid remarks.

            Now since you did not ask me anything, do you have an actual answer to my very simple question?

            Any examples to back up your claims of government sponsored slavery?

          10. lulzmonger

            It's a pity your own "examples" are the usual weak-ass babyshit. Requiring MOAR perspectives does nothing whatsoever to harm the 1st Amendment, & restrictions on specific types of guns don't cancel out the 2nd, unless you live in Bizarro World. Enjoy your Logic Fail.

            Examples: authorizing torture, Patriot Act, Patriot Act II, Military Commissions Act, Iran-Contra Secret Team, & amending the already-totalitarian FISA Act to make it even worse – & that's just off the top of my head. All exhibitions of egregious contempt for democracy, all Republican, all applauded by the millions of myopic morons who put rooting for their "team" over their own liberty or their own nation. Give me ten minutes & I could cite a dozen more.

            Poopyhead.

          11. user-of-owls

            It would really hurt my feelings to be called a progressive if I didn't know that an antonym of that word is atavistic.

            The other, of course, is what you ended with.

          12. di_da_is_alpha

            Fairness doctrine is not about more perspectives, clutz, and you know it. It's about eliminating views that the left disagrees with. You do know that an AR-15 is NOT an assault rifle, right? There are many on the left who would outlaw all guns, something else you know, but won't admit.

            Tea- Party supporters are not for the Republicans, it's just that the Rs will be easier to fix than the Ds. The problem is big government, and at least the Rs have TALKED a good game, now it's time to make 'em play.

          13. di_da_is_alpha

            Patriot act sux. Bush was no conservative, tarp was his, and corporations don't fart without government permission.

    1. x111e7thst

      palpitate:1. to beat with abnormal rapidity
      2. to flutter or tremble

      palpate:to examine (an area of the body) by the sense of touch and pressure
      [from Latin palpāre to stroke]

  30. Jukesgrrl

    Did anyone actually SEE him on a commercial flight? My bet is he's not only bypassing security, but also flying on private planes owned by his corporate masters. So he's not technically charging the taxpayer for a flight, but …

    1. DahBoner

      Willow is pregnant because America needs a patriotic pregnant 16 year old snowbilly baby mama to go on tour and personally be an example of why sex is bad…

  31. DahBoner

    And what about Anal Sects Gay Aids babies?

    Now that they have the Pope's Official Blessing, do they get to walk on through now, too?

  32. lulzmonger

    Anonymous patriotic donors keep trying to give him a C-4 vest to wear on the jet, but Al-Qaeda keeps intercepting them – they know a good reliable Destroyer Of America when they see one.

  33. iburl

    I have to admit I'm slightly relieved. If they set him in one of those skin cancer causing pornoscanners, his orange death shroud might possibly be imbibed with some sort of super powers. The last thing we need is a shambling, poisoned, orange human skin going around crying on everyone.

    1. HistoriCat

      Did they cut that part out of the next Spiderman movie? I thought it wouldn't t translate well onto film.,

  34. Negropolis

    Isn't allowing Agent Orange on a plane strickly prohibited, unless you're bombing brown people?

    O. M. G. John Boehner's launching an assault on Iran.

  35. glamourdammerung

    We all know this decision was made because TSA employees were worried their fingers would become permanently orange otherwise.

  36. transfatz

    Boehner gets a pass because previous pat-downs and whole body scans both had the same results. There's simply nothing there.

  37. Chet Kincaid

    Why doesn't the TSA tie in with some retailer or restaurant and hand out discount coupons to people for their trouble, like treats at the dentist's office? That would fit US America's collective mental age. The agency that's trying to kill us all with excessive cheese could make their quota for the year with some Pizza Hut BOGOs at the airports.

    On a related note, does anybody know how to to do yams in the microwave?

  38. Jukesgrrl

    Other than corn, that has been tainted ad infinitum by Grampa Grassley, yams are the most Norte Americano of foods. They will give you a lovely vitamin C glow, rather than that scary orange look favored by our would-be overlord. Peel and chop, then microwave with a small amount of water until soft (you know, the way Democrats are these days). Then you can mash them up with some butter, a touch of honey, and cinnamon — all available to our Founding Mothers, and therefore deserving of the designation Freedumb Food.
    PS: Don't forget: marshmallows have The Ghey.

  39. Dimitrios_M

    Thanks for the symmetry, which is precisely what Cathy Bossi was trying to maintain by wearing a prosthetic boob.

  40. lulzmonger

    Little Known Fact: Nancy "Lenin's Love-Child/Osama's Mean Older Sister" Pelosi is also immune to death, porn tubes & pat-downs.

    THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Comments are closed.