feels like you have freedom in your pants sir

Here Is Your Photo of TSA Fisting a Guy

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Your fist is supposed to go in the other... ah, never mind.
So this fun news photo was being passed around today! It has now been enshrined in Blingee form, thanks to us, and will soon be put into the National Archives. One day we will look back on this Blingee and try to remember what it was like when the federal government wasn’t feeling up our genitals all the time. It will be hard difficult.

Jeffrey “Gator” Henry of Charlotte, N.C., moved through security in skimpy gym shorts and a sleeveless tank top as part of his plan to reject screening by advanced imaging machines — the devices that use either millimeter-wave or backscatter X-ray technology — and to request a pat-down instead.

Nice! But we should really all be wearing helpful clothing to let the TSA guys know exactly where they can find our sex organs. A quick grope is a happy grope. [Denver Post]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • the_problem_child

    It will in fact be limp and the TSA/ Homo security will have yet more evidence of America's impotence.

  • smrtmnky

    do lube bottles have to be 3.5 oz still? i'm asking for a friend.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      If your friend needs more than 3.5 ounces of lube, well he's either very lucky or very unlucky.

    • 4TheTurnstiles

      Ask Louis C.K.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Jack, I have news for you. The gubbermint has its cold hands firmly attached to our testicles at all times. Periodically they ask us to cough so they may have their way with us.

  • Crank_Tango

    i was lucky enough to get both the pat down AND scan, and neither found the large chunk of hash in my mouth. and all the little ones in my trail mix.

    America, fuck yeah, indeed.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      I always heard good things about hiding buds in bags of whole coffee beans.

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    Man, the TSA is so incompetent they can't even fist people correctly.

    • SmutBoffin

      Uh, that's a urethral fisting you are witnessing. They are just that thorough.

      • kenlayisalive

        Ouch.

        • SmutBoffin

          It's OK; this dude is also known by the nickname "ol' Wide Mouth".

          • kenlayisalive

            "Is that a Mickey's 40 oz in your pocket, or are you just looking forward to your screening?"

      • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

        Wait, what? That's not real. Urethral fisting is not a thing that is real. It can't be real. Please God let it not be real. But I can't look it up on the internet just in case it is real and they have pictures. Yet I am going to have nightmares about urethral fisting now, SmutBoffin, I hope you're happy.

    • PublicLuxury

      USA! USA! USA!

    • jim89048

      Judging by that photo, they don't make up for their lack of experience with youthful enthusiasm.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Gator, you got the right idea, boy, but go back home and come back in your Speedo and that mesh wifebeater, you hear?

    • sarjo

      So I assume the dress code for us pre-feminized Amrikans is g-string + pasties?

      • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

        Oh, don't be absurd. No one is expected to wear less than a thong and wide patches of electrical tape. But if you are really getting into the spirit of things…

  • OkieDokieDog

    So do these Federal Gropers change their gloves with each new victim, or are they spreading germs, viruses, vermin and cooties with each grope?
    Not that it matters much, since the food handlers handle the foods and also the germ and drug covered monies without changing gloves.

    Ewww to both.

    Edit to ps – oh noes. The airlines will now charge you for rubber gloves to fist you!

    • zhubajie

      The latter of course. You already knew that flying was the best way in the world to get a cold? Well, now it's the worst way in the world to get VD.

    • DemmeFatale

      Yes, when I encounter "Security Theatre Hour," the first thing I notice is the grubby gloves they always wear. Do they keep them in their lockers and get new ones once a month?
      I don't ever want to be touched by those things. Ever.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Max Hardcore can't get out of jail soon enough. The "occupational" porn (think: Stewardesses, Babysitters, etc.) isn't going to film itself.

  • Fare la Volpe

    As I pass through the TSA nudie screen the first time, I plan to mutter aloud: "Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all, nothin' at all, NOTHIN' AT ALL…."

    • CapnFatback

      Stupid sexy Fare la Volpe!

      • ttommyunger

        Relax, Cap'n, this is just a series of tubes, not the real thing. Fare could well be a 55 year-old fat dude with a severe case of penis breath; not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • slithytovesss

    Let's look on the bright side: How effective will those TSA agents be at catching the early signs of testicular cancer? Breast exams? You gotta love the new healthcare system.

    • BeWoot

      Dang, you're right. And here I just got through emailing Dim Pawlenty that there is no such thing as Obamacare.

    • Negropolis

      There is no way I'm taking my mom to the airport for a mammogram. Can you imagine the wait time?

  • forgracie

    Rectum?
    Damn near killed him!

    • emmelemm

      Made me laugh. Apparently I really am 12.

  • kenlayisalive

    "And douchebags with stupid nicknames shall lead them."

  • Serfville

    Bushism # 8,458,348: "Let the TSA Gropers just practice their love on the generul public".

  • Thurman Munster IV

    I guess I'll have to remove my roll of quarters from my shorts before going through security from now on

    • sarjo

      Do you think they can tell if you stuff a sausage down the front?

      • LetUsBray

        I was thinking cucumber wrapped in foil.

    • PublicLuxury

      Why? Don't you believe in tipping? I really wish you weren't so stingy. TSA people rely on tips to put their kids through college.

      • Thurman Munster IV

        The moile took the tip. Screw the TSA fuckers

  • SmutBoffin

    But X-rays feel great! For example, you wouldn't mind a tongue bath from your favorite celebrity, would you? That's what it feels like.

    Haha, just kidding. Imagine all of the chemical bonds in your body – bonds in fun stuff like proteins, hormones, DNA – being subjected to stress testing by highly energetic photons. The term 'backscatter' implies that the instrument measures the photons that enter and then leave your body by the same route, but some of them will get lost and rattle around in there…

    • Mindblank

      Hence it's important to shake yourself thoroughly, afterward. Doing the Photon Phling, and all.

  • tbogg

    Not fisting him, he's mlking him. And it is the milk of Freedom. One TSA agent, one cup.

    Okay. I'll stop now.

    • bagofmice

      At least now we get the courtesy of a goddamned reach-around!

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I think the real victims here are the TSA schmendricks. The traveling public are getting their underpants in a wad about their precious bodily privacy and x-ray sensitive skin, but think about spending every stinking workday in a polyester uniform putting on nonlatex gloves over and over, and rubbing your hands around the corpulent carcasses of indignant, self-important, entitled American douchemuffins who are JUST DYING to do something to humiliate you back, like farting when you do the up-and-down crotch swish as professionally as possible without snickering or grimacing, or saying something cutting, or just staring at you like you are scum and sighing and huffing to show disdain. ALL DAY LONG, EVERY DAY. Jesus, being a garbageman must be more pleasant, even if the employee benefits aren't as good.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Garbageman is undoubtedly better.

      1. No people

      2. In many cities, they're unionized.

    • iburl

      Some of them get off on the abuse and the whole powertrip, those are the ones who will be sticking around as it gets ever more degrading and inhumane.

    • emmelemm

      In all absence of snark, you are so very right.

    • sezme

      A little abuse is a small price to pay for the privilege of touching the junk of countless obese, sweaty adult and child-size travellers. Oh, you believe that they don't enjoy it? So very naïve…

  • Pragmatist2

    I think he's measuring his inseam for an orange jumpsuit.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Who farted?

  • CapnFatback

    Poor Larry Craig. Had he just kept his cool for a few more years, he could've gotten his airport jollies just by employing his wide stance at a TSA checkpoint several times a day.

    AND IT WOULD ALL BE PERFECTLY LEGAL!

    • PsycWench

      Think of the long stroke potential, George Rekers.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    When the first TransSexualAlien gets the enhanced pat down from the TSA it will slow things up quite a bit.

    Hot trannies getting felt up in public after flashing in the naked X-ray machine. Good times for all.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I've been fantasizing about finding out what else looks like human tissue on backscatter imaging, and having a penile prosthesis made of latex-silicone-polystyrene, either a two-headed model, or an extra-long one tied in a knot. It would be nice to give the screener slobs something to brighten their day.

      • sarjo

        Just go with the tried-and-true Hebrew National all beef kosher weiner (jumbo size if you're insecure). You can decorate it, slice out random chunks, and do other stuff that only you would dream up!

      • ttommyunger

        I was told to put a sausage in my shorts to impress everybody. They got a good laugh at my expense….Nobody told me to put it in front!

  • Negropolis

    Do we get to request our official groper? If so, I request Boobarella AKA Pamela Anderson.

    Honestly, can't they just get a dog to sniff my junk, as dogs are wont to do, anyway?

  • sarjo

    For shame, Cenci. That TSA fella is someone's son; he's someone's brother; he's someone's husband and someone's dad. There but for the grace of "(insert favored deity/lack thereof)" go we.

    • natoslug

      He's someone's scout leader, someone's lay minister, someone's special friend that must remain secret at all times . . .

  • Negropolis

    So, that's who they are posing as these days, eh? Used to be they'd pose as police officers, and then come into your home and rape you silly. I guess they realize that postal workers are seen as more trusting.

    • sarjo

      POSE as police officers??? Oh, shit!

  • user-of-owls

    It was so very heartening to see this image appear first on Drudge then to show up a short while later on the front of MSNBC's site. So very, very heartening.

    • sarjo

      It's a small world, after all.

  • neiltheblaze

    It's stupidity like this that convinces me the terrorists have won.

    • Radiotherapy

      If by "terrorists" you mean the US Government, you are correct sir. Sanctioned random molestation.

  • ttommyunger

    and fuck them HARD!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    "You can guess where it goes from here."

    "He fixes her cable?"

    "Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey."

  • PublicLuxury

    Do you have to pay extra if you want tongue?

    • elfgoldsackring

      Surely that's included? It is the 'enhanced' pat-down, after all.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Nice work if you can get it.

  • PublicLuxury

    There used to be exclusive clubs where you could get service like this. Now you just need to go to the airport. Will they be installing showers? Will the TSA help me shower?

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Select airports will be opening lesbian bondage themed pat-down stations.

      • horsedreamer_1

        I'm steeleing myself for the occasion.

      • HistoriCat

        That will revive the airline industry's fortunes.

  • ttommyunger

    Pick the best caption: "Come here often?" or "What's your sign?"

    • neiltheblaze

      Or: "$25? OK – but are you a swallower or a spitter?"

      • ttommyunger

        Unfuckingbelieveable! You managed to gross ME out!

        • neiltheblaze

          I'll take that as a compliment.

          • ttommyunger

            As it was intended, sir.

    • Negropolis

      "Me love you short time."

      "Is that an improvised explosive device in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

      "You have two options: Business or Pleasure?"

      "How much extra is the TSA Special?"

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        "A little to the left, yes, YES, that's the spot."

  • PublicLuxury

    I am not sure that I would like a job where I had to smell people's asses all day. It would make me feel like a little person.

  • JoshuaNorton

    K Lo keeps getting in line carrying copies of the Koran. And she STILL can't get anyone to grope her.

  • SayItWithWookies

    My airport security question is and remains, what does El-Al do? They're the standard. Israel's national airline has never been successfully attacked. Unless they do something ridiculous like never allow Arabs to fly at all, why can't we do what they do?

    • zhubajie

      I've been through Tell Aviv with El Al a number of times, although not in recent years. They open your luggage, ask if you packed it yourself, talk to you politely and look for signs of unreasonable behavior. It's rather like a customs inspection when you enter most countries. I never went through an X-ray or had pat down like this.

      You ride a cattle-car out to where your plane sits on the flightline, then you ID your baggage before it's stowed below, then you climb the ladder and get your seat.

      I was questioned for an hour once but the security people thought I was a Jew, so I was treated OK. I suspect Arabs get the Jim Crow treatment, but it may depend on where they are from and who the inspector is.

      The thing is, El Al is not in a hurry. They don't care if it takes you 3 hours to go through security and get on the plane. TSA is trying to be speedy and thorough at the same time, and with low-paid unskilled workers.

      Zhu Bajie

      • SayItWithWookies

        Oh, that makes sense. And now that I think about it, they are one airline, not the whole airport. Well, Americans could always take the train — hahahahahahaha.

        • zhubajie

          Remember, Israel is about the size of New Jersey. You can drive almost anywhere in an hour or two. There's only one airport. Public transportation by bus is good (or used to be). There was one train line, as I recall, from Tell Aviv to Jerusalem.

          On other hand, mail is incredibly slow, because they search a lot of letters at the Post Office.

    • V572625694

      El-Al does 80-90 flights per day, world wide. Here in SAN they do that many in an hour. Their procedures might not scale up all that well at ORD or ATL.

    • sezme

      Nuts to that. I demand my free handjob. It's my patriotic right.

  • sarjo

    "Transportation Security Administration chief John Pistole said: "It is clearly more invasive." But the procedures are necessary, he said, to detect devices not seen before."

    Pistole then offered to show this reporter "a device or two you've never seen before."

    • charlesdegoal

      Pulled out his pistol?

  • gullywompr

    It's not groping. It's Freedom Fingering.

    • Negropolis

      Fingering for Freedom sounds like a new conservative PAC.

  • elfgoldsackring

    C'mon, that would be a great job. Right there in the photo you see him getting a tip.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Looks like a tight fit.

    • SecretMuslin

      That passenger may need an extra inch for his bung hole. I hear LBJ had a good tailor…

  • zhubajie

    How much does it pay? It's probably a good job for people who've spent their lives at the low end of the totem pole, getting shat upon by their "betters." Now they can get revenge! And if it pays better than minimum wage, so much the better.

    • V572625694

      Just so they aren't allowed to organize. Cuz that'd be scholism.

  • zhubajie

    You can always hope to tase Pus Limpbowel one day.

  • sati_demise

    that blingee is awesome!

    someone wears her bra on the inside.

  • BeWoot

    Periodically the tree of liberty must be watered by the genital excretions of air traveling patriots. If that means a squeezin' well, so be it.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    The problem is easily solved if they have hawt and sexy men and women doing the searches. George Clooney or even James Franco (a nod to former Wonkette sponsor, 127 Hours) throw me against the wall and see if I am dangerous for aviation travel anytime. I might even travel more, or at least buy a ticket to somewhere. It might slow down the security line significantly, but I suspect people will just come early to have their toes curl in anticipation of sexy groping.

  • V572625694

    Here's a little antique-speak, to remind us all:

    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Terrorist.

    • zhubajie

      Defining "unreasonable" is the trick. Obama Caesar and Bush Augustus said it's reasonable.

  • user-of-owls

    Shady Dominican beach house reporting is the new terrorism.

  • SecretMuslin

    The TSA guy looks like he's punching that passenger in the nuts with all the force he can muster. Hopefully the aggressive nut punch is justified by the fact that the passenger is Arab.

    • Barrelhse

      Or Hezbollah from Messico.

  • Bluestatelibel

    This is a job for Mike Rowe. A guy who can check out my junk annyyyy time….

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    What the fuck are they looking for? Semtex concealed as Edible Undies? Honestly, what the fuck? If plastic explosives are the problem, let's just all agree to telecommute at the holidays mmkay?

  • Serfville

    "This will "go down" in history in the "anals" of time as the most "orgasmatically" hilarity blingee evah." ~Bushism # 9,454,387.

  • Barrelhse

    This should finish-off the domestic market for the airline industry.

  • Blendergoathead

    It will definitely cut down on passengers, but they'll just find another fee to boost revenues – you think you can fly from LA to Chicago without oxygen? $$$

  • gullywompr

    You know who else liked to touch your junk?

  • JackObin

    They can touch my dick all they want, as long as my flight is to Europe. Or anywhere else but this incresingly unlivable country.

  • zhubajie

    I can't resist a cackle or ten of schadenfreude, about all the stories in US news this weekend about TSA X-Ray Specs vs TSA Molesters! All those authoritarian semi-fascist conservatards who thought that only OTHER PEOPLE would be annoyed/screwed over by their war on terra nonsense! Now they are getting a faint taste of what the kind of regime they've had wet dreams about would really be like! Ha ha ha!

  • CaptainSwing2nd

    Somewhere, in a cave far, far away, Osama bin Laden is laughing his miserable ass off … and Aussie funsters like the Captain have decided to spend their next wad of vacation cash in Japan.