feels like you have freedom in your pants sir

Here Is Your Photo of TSA Fisting a Guy

Your fist is supposed to go in the other... ah, never mind.
So this fun news photo was being passed around today! It has now been enshrined in Blingee form, thanks to us, and will soon be put into the National Archives. One day we will look back on this Blingee and try to remember what it was like when the federal government wasn’t feeling up our genitals all the time. It will be hard difficult.

Jeffrey “Gator” Henry of Charlotte, N.C., moved through security in skimpy gym shorts and a sleeveless tank top as part of his plan to reject screening by advanced imaging machines — the devices that use either millimeter-wave or backscatter X-ray technology — and to request a pat-down instead.

Nice! But we should really all be wearing helpful clothing to let the TSA guys know exactly where they can find our sex organs. A quick grope is a happy grope. [Denver Post]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

117 comments

  1. the_problem_child

    It will in fact be limp and the TSA/ Homo security will have yet more evidence of America's impotence.

  2. WhatTheHeck

    Jack, I have news for you. The gubbermint has its cold hands firmly attached to our testicles at all times. Periodically they ask us to cough so they may have their way with us.

  3. Crank_Tango

    i was lucky enough to get both the pat down AND scan, and neither found the large chunk of hash in my mouth. and all the little ones in my trail mix.

    America, fuck yeah, indeed.

      1. assistantatlas

        Wait, what? That's not real. Urethral fisting is not a thing that is real. It can't be real. Please God let it not be real. But I can't look it up on the internet just in case it is real and they have pictures. Yet I am going to have nightmares about urethral fisting now, SmutBoffin, I hope you're happy.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    So do these Federal Gropers change their gloves with each new victim, or are they spreading germs, viruses, vermin and cooties with each grope?
    Not that it matters much, since the food handlers handle the foods and also the germ and drug covered monies without changing gloves.

    Ewww to both.

    Edit to ps – oh noes. The airlines will now charge you for rubber gloves to fist you!

    1. zhubajie

      The latter of course. You already knew that flying was the best way in the world to get a cold? Well, now it's the worst way in the world to get VD.

    2. DemmeFatale

      Yes, when I encounter "Security Theatre Hour," the first thing I notice is the grubby gloves they always wear. Do they keep them in their lockers and get new ones once a month?
      I don't ever want to be touched by those things. Ever.

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Max Hardcore can't get out of jail soon enough. The "occupational" porn (think: Stewardesses, Babysitters, etc.) isn't going to film itself.

  6. Fare la Volpe

    As I pass through the TSA nudie screen the first time, I plan to mutter aloud: "Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all, nothin' at all, NOTHIN' AT ALL…."

      1. ttommyunger

        Relax, Cap'n, this is just a series of tubes, not the real thing. Fare could well be a 55 year-old fat dude with a severe case of penis breath; not that there's anything wrong with that.

  7. slithytovesss

    Let's look on the bright side: How effective will those TSA agents be at catching the early signs of testicular cancer? Breast exams? You gotta love the new healthcare system.

    1. BeWoot

      Dang, you're right. And here I just got through emailing Dim Pawlenty that there is no such thing as Obamacare.

  8. Thurman Munster IV

    I guess I'll have to remove my roll of quarters from my shorts before going through security from now on

    1. PublicLuxury

      Why? Don't you believe in tipping? I really wish you weren't so stingy. TSA people rely on tips to put their kids through college.

  9. SmutBoffin

    But X-rays feel great! For example, you wouldn't mind a tongue bath from your favorite celebrity, would you? That's what it feels like.

    Haha, just kidding. Imagine all of the chemical bonds in your body – bonds in fun stuff like proteins, hormones, DNA – being subjected to stress testing by highly energetic photons. The term 'backscatter' implies that the instrument measures the photons that enter and then leave your body by the same route, but some of them will get lost and rattle around in there…

  10. tbogg

    Not fisting him, he's mlking him. And it is the milk of Freedom. One TSA agent, one cup.

    Okay. I'll stop now.

  11. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I think the real victims here are the TSA schmendricks. The traveling public are getting their underpants in a wad about their precious bodily privacy and x-ray sensitive skin, but think about spending every stinking workday in a polyester uniform putting on nonlatex gloves over and over, and rubbing your hands around the corpulent carcasses of indignant, self-important, entitled American douchemuffins who are JUST DYING to do something to humiliate you back, like farting when you do the up-and-down crotch swish as professionally as possible without snickering or grimacing, or saying something cutting, or just staring at you like you are scum and sighing and huffing to show disdain. ALL DAY LONG, EVERY DAY. Jesus, being a garbageman must be more pleasant, even if the employee benefits aren't as good.

    1. iburl

      Some of them get off on the abuse and the whole powertrip, those are the ones who will be sticking around as it gets ever more degrading and inhumane.

    2. sezme

      A little abuse is a small price to pay for the privilege of touching the junk of countless obese, sweaty adult and child-size travellers. Oh, you believe that they don't enjoy it? So very naïve…

  12. CapnFatback

    Poor Larry Craig. Had he just kept his cool for a few more years, he could've gotten his airport jollies just by employing his wide stance at a TSA checkpoint several times a day.

    AND IT WOULD ALL BE PERFECTLY LEGAL!

  13. donner_froh

    When the first TransSexualAlien gets the enhanced pat down from the TSA it will slow things up quite a bit.

    Hot trannies getting felt up in public after flashing in the naked X-ray machine. Good times for all.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I've been fantasizing about finding out what else looks like human tissue on backscatter imaging, and having a penile prosthesis made of latex-silicone-polystyrene, either a two-headed model, or an extra-long one tied in a knot. It would be nice to give the screener slobs something to brighten their day.

      1. sarjo

        Just go with the tried-and-true Hebrew National all beef kosher weiner (jumbo size if you're insecure). You can decorate it, slice out random chunks, and do other stuff that only you would dream up!

      2. ttommyunger

        I was told to put a sausage in my shorts to impress everybody. They got a good laugh at my expense….Nobody told me to put it in front!

  14. Negropolis

    Do we get to request our official groper? If so, I request Boobarella AKA Pamela Anderson.

    Honestly, can't they just get a dog to sniff my junk, as dogs are wont to do, anyway?

  15. sarjo

    For shame, Cenci. That TSA fella is someone's son; he's someone's brother; he's someone's husband and someone's dad. There but for the grace of "(insert favored deity/lack thereof)" go we.

    1. natoslug

      He's someone's scout leader, someone's lay minister, someone's special friend that must remain secret at all times . . .

  16. Negropolis

    So, that's who they are posing as these days, eh? Used to be they'd pose as police officers, and then come into your home and rape you silly. I guess they realize that postal workers are seen as more trusting.

  17. user-of-owls

    It was so very heartening to see this image appear first on Drudge then to show up a short while later on the front of MSNBC's site. So very, very heartening.

  18. PublicLuxury

    There used to be exclusive clubs where you could get service like this. Now you just need to go to the airport. Will they be installing showers? Will the TSA help me shower?

    1. Negropolis

      "Me love you short time."

      "Is that an improvised explosive device in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

      "You have two options: Business or Pleasure?"

      "How much extra is the TSA Special?"

  19. PublicLuxury

    I am not sure that I would like a job where I had to smell people's asses all day. It would make me feel like a little person.

  20. JoshuaNorton

    K Lo keeps getting in line carrying copies of the Koran. And she STILL can't get anyone to grope her.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    My airport security question is and remains, what does El-Al do? They're the standard. Israel's national airline has never been successfully attacked. Unless they do something ridiculous like never allow Arabs to fly at all, why can't we do what they do?

    1. zhubajie

      I've been through Tell Aviv with El Al a number of times, although not in recent years. They open your luggage, ask if you packed it yourself, talk to you politely and look for signs of unreasonable behavior. It's rather like a customs inspection when you enter most countries. I never went through an X-ray or had pat down like this.

      You ride a cattle-car out to where your plane sits on the flightline, then you ID your baggage before it's stowed below, then you climb the ladder and get your seat.

      I was questioned for an hour once but the security people thought I was a Jew, so I was treated OK. I suspect Arabs get the Jim Crow treatment, but it may depend on where they are from and who the inspector is.

      The thing is, El Al is not in a hurry. They don't care if it takes you 3 hours to go through security and get on the plane. TSA is trying to be speedy and thorough at the same time, and with low-paid unskilled workers.

      Zhu Bajie

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh, that makes sense. And now that I think about it, they are one airline, not the whole airport. Well, Americans could always take the train — hahahahahahaha.

        1. zhubajie

          Remember, Israel is about the size of New Jersey. You can drive almost anywhere in an hour or two. There's only one airport. Public transportation by bus is good (or used to be). There was one train line, as I recall, from Tell Aviv to Jerusalem.

          On other hand, mail is incredibly slow, because they search a lot of letters at the Post Office.

    2. V572625694

      El-Al does 80-90 flights per day, world wide. Here in SAN they do that many in an hour. Their procedures might not scale up all that well at ORD or ATL.

  22. sarjo

    "Transportation Security Administration chief John Pistole said: "It is clearly more invasive." But the procedures are necessary, he said, to detect devices not seen before."

    Pistole then offered to show this reporter "a device or two you've never seen before."

  23. zhubajie

    How much does it pay? It's probably a good job for people who've spent their lives at the low end of the totem pole, getting shat upon by their "betters." Now they can get revenge! And if it pays better than minimum wage, so much the better.

  24. BeWoot

    Periodically the tree of liberty must be watered by the genital excretions of air traveling patriots. If that means a squeezin' well, so be it.

  25. marinmaven

    The problem is easily solved if they have hawt and sexy men and women doing the searches. George Clooney or even James Franco (a nod to former Wonkette sponsor, 127 Hours) throw me against the wall and see if I am dangerous for aviation travel anytime. I might even travel more, or at least buy a ticket to somewhere. It might slow down the security line significantly, but I suspect people will just come early to have their toes curl in anticipation of sexy groping.

  26. V572625694

    Here's a little antique-speak, to remind us all:

    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

  27. SecretMuslin

    The TSA guy looks like he's punching that passenger in the nuts with all the force he can muster. Hopefully the aggressive nut punch is justified by the fact that the passenger is Arab.

  28. mrblifil

    What the fuck are they looking for? Semtex concealed as Edible Undies? Honestly, what the fuck? If plastic explosives are the problem, let's just all agree to telecommute at the holidays mmkay?

  29. Serfville

    "This will "go down" in history in the "anals" of time as the most "orgasmatically" hilarity blingee evah." ~Bushism # 9,454,387.

  30. Blendergoathead

    It will definitely cut down on passengers, but they'll just find another fee to boost revenues – you think you can fly from LA to Chicago without oxygen? $$$

  31. JackObin

    They can touch my dick all they want, as long as my flight is to Europe. Or anywhere else but this incresingly unlivable country.

  32. zhubajie

    I can't resist a cackle or ten of schadenfreude, about all the stories in US news this weekend about TSA X-Ray Specs vs TSA Molesters! All those authoritarian semi-fascist conservatards who thought that only OTHER PEOPLE would be annoyed/screwed over by their war on terra nonsense! Now they are getting a faint taste of what the kind of regime they've had wet dreams about would really be like! Ha ha ha!

  33. CaptainSwing2nd

    Somewhere, in a cave far, far away, Osama bin Laden is laughing his miserable ass off … and Aussie funsters like the Captain have decided to spend their next wad of vacation cash in Japan.

Comments are closed.