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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hola wonkerados.

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110 comments

  1. MuslinMosk

    I'm glad we now have solid confirmation that Jesus was, in fact, white and not some filthy disgusting Arab.

  2. kenlayisalive

    "Here's an amazing story for you folks. Some parents are capitalizing off of their child's sickness…And it's not the Palins!"

    Oh, the kid seems so not excited about this. You know the dad is like "If you want to get that next surgery in Tea Party America, you better get on Fox News and make that fucking money son!"

    Oh my god, sorry for the fucking live blog, but, wow. What an utter pile of horse shit.

  3. Steverino247

    I think most Fox viewers are more interested in knowing if Gretchen's breasts are real and what color her pubic hair is than what color some imaginary friend's eyes are. That's why she's there, isn't it?

    1. AutomaticPilot

      Exactly! They should be made to spell it "Newz" for the same reason Cheez Whiz is spelled that way.

  4. SecretMuslin

    When I see Jesus up in Heaven I hope it's the tiny baby Jesus and that he's wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. Just to show that he's serious, but not too serious.

  5. bumfug

    "And, uh, John Lennon was there and he said that Paul wasn't the Walrus, he was the Walrus. He was just sayin' that Paul was the Walrus to be nice but HE was actually the Walrus."

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Did Jesus say anything about tax cuts creating jobs and paying for themselves? Come on, kid — we gots to know!

  7. ulTIMum

    I was raised up in small-town Texas, which means Southern Baptist, and never in my born days or thereafter did I ever hear anybody near my age report a miraculous occurrence. We all went to church, to prove parental piety (another oddment: neither of my parents did, although Mom was a believer) but nobody believed in any magical mystery tour. Everybody in town would've claimed faith in Jesus, but 'faith' was just something you had to do on Sunday, like go to school during the week. I remember that whenever I read of polls presumably proving 90% of Americans believe in holy fairy tales.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      The religious fervor you see today is largely a result of the baby boomers fearing the grim reaper. The Greatest Generation and Generation X are not nearly as religious.

    2. zhubajie

      You haven't spent enough time with Pentecostals/Charismatics. They believe in EVERYTHING! People claiming to have been taken up into Heaven and shown the original King James Bible are routine. Sarah Palin is not at all unusual.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    "And will I continue to look and sound like a vapid nitwit in heaven, little boy?"
    "No Gretchen, you won't — you'll be doing that in the Other Place."

  9. SmutBoffin

    And thus Christianity acquires the impetus to stagger onward for another day. One wonders whether or not the whole business would've folded centuries ago, were it not for little events like this taking place every few days/months/years and keeping the whole thing upright in the minds of Believers.

      1. finallyhappy

        I plan to buy that press where you imprint Jesus on toast(I saw it at a trendy housewares store on U street in DC) and then leave them at redneck places (like anywhere in Virginia or the northern counties of Maryland)

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Heh — Christianity will go on forever — or will be replaced by something equally scientifically defunct. You can't dupe that many people without their willing participation — hell, these people are listening to a kid who had an experience when he was four, and believing him as though he was some kind of expert. How many other fields of knowledge do you know of where that would be the case? You think engineers are going to say "Hey, that four-year-old had a dream and says our bridge oughta be made of rubber bands and chocolate — I say we give it a try?" No, of course not — because that's not how you acquire knowledge. But religion? Hell, that shit's gold. And any institution built on the willful ignorance of its adherents is never going to die.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Not exactly — they're conflating ignorance with authority. The idea that if you feel that an idea is true is proof of its truth is the poison that religion puts in our minds so that it can survive. And every Sunday millions of people sit down and hear someone tell them that's how they ought to be making decisions. How many hours a week do you think most Americans spend absorbing ideas about exercising critical thinking? Maybe zero. I'm thinking it's probably a negative number, which I know is not possible, but if anyone can do that, we can.

    2. zhubajie

      R. Crum claims G-d appeared to him in a dream. For real. That's how he knew what to make G-d look like in his illustrated Genesis.

    3. chickensmack

      You too can have a job as a pastor, if you're successful enough to get a good number of old widows to attend your church. It's the new economy.

    4. zhubajie

      Absolutely! Like the rust stain on the giant tank of soybean near Dayton, O, mid-80s. Looked kinda like Jesus and the apostles to all those driving by slowly, holding up traffic.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    So Hitler was right, and Jesus was an Aryan and not some olive skin/brown eyed Jew?

    Does this mean that Glenn Beck might also be right about something?

    1. mumbly_joe

      You bet me to it. Oh well, fellow browns, I guess all those Klansmen and Mormons were right, and we're an inferior race after all! Do you think it's too late to get them to take us back as involuntary labor and random rape-beatings?

    2. SayItWithWookies

      It is not possible for Glenn Beck to be right about anything. He has spent the last two days of his radio show arguing that we should not aspire to universal healthcare because of the story of the Tower of Babel. Yes — giving everybody in the country reasonable healthcare is the same thing as building a tower to heaven and will cause The LORD (or whichever Babylonian folk deity occupied that role at the time) to strike everyone and make them speak separate languages. I won't blame you for thinking I'm being wildly hyperbolic in my description, but I swear this is absolutely true.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    God talks to me through the compact florescent lights in my house and She told me Gretchen is going to hell because She really doesn't like Gretchen and the nonblinking bitch was supposed to be aborted anyway.

  12. doxastic

    I think that everyone should just take it totally seriously: "Kid! You have seen Jesus Christ himself?! You need to tell us EVERYTHING! This is an astonishing, world historical event. Only YOU, kid, can settle that most terrible and ancient of questions!"

    1. lumpenprole

      Not true. Jesus is right here in this cup of day-old tea. The pattern congealed on top is indisputably Our Lord. I'll ask. He says Bristol shouldn't be on that show anymore.

  13. mavenmaven

    One of the classic signs of schizophrenia is that the patient will describe all these horrifying visions in a calm dispassionate manner; a normal person confronted with flying vampires out of hell shooting laser beams would be rather emotional to say the least. This kid just rattles off his encounter with "God" and "Jesus" the way a kid recites a mandatory book review of a dull book for school.

      1. mavenmaven

        Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that the child was schizophrenic, only that one would expect some kind of emotional response in the retelling were the experience at all true.

  14. LionelHutzEsq

    Seriously, if Jesus was to appear to some sick and dying kid, you would think he would appear as a lovable teddy bear or something, not as Ted Nugent.

    Clearly, the dad has taught the kid what to say.

  15. MiniMencken

    In Volume Two, little Natty Burpo will reveal which of his elderly widowed neighbors is a witch who has intercourse at midnight with Satan — who manifests Himself in the form of a black billy goat. Then we can really start getting back our country.

  16. marinmaven

    A Joke as told to me by a drunk, Irish catholic barowner in San Francisco:

    Q: How do we know Jesus was Irish Catholic?

    A: He was an unemployed carpenter living with his mother, who thought he was God.

    1. finallyhappy

      I always heard that is how we know he was Jewish- 30 years old, unemployed, and living with his mom who thought he was God. We leave out the carpenter part(because Jews don't do that stuff any more)

  17. x111e7thst

    I hate to bring this up but I think young Burpo is thinking:"I wish Gretchen Carlson was sucking my cock." Or maybe he is just channeling Todd.

    1. HistoriCat

      She does do her roots. It's just that by the time she gets them so carefully finished, she doesn't have time to do the rest of that blonde hair for the serious dark-haired look she so craves.

  18. donner_froh

    Clicking on the video allowed me to hear Gretchen Carlson's for the first time–I will try to make it the last. She sounds like a demented Mary Poppins.

  19. user-of-owls

    The little runt has just been surreptitiously listening to Kesha and has Jesus on his neck-a-lace.

  20. Dances_For_Ham

    I would have preferred a video of Gretchen Carlson interviewing the statue of a saint weeping blood. Those little born again types scare the (be)jesus outta me. No really they make my skin crawl.

  21. Negropolis

    When I go to heaven, I want my Jesus to manifest itself in a perpetual summer sunrise over a windy and rolling Lake Michigan, and out pops Rosario Dawson from a clam shell like Botticelli's Birth of Venus, over and over and over again. Forever. Also..

  22. imalittleteap0t

    Of course the HOLY MAN DAD is talking w/ "Gawd" in the other room while the little lady "momz" is just on the phone with some trollop, as their child pretend dies, for publicity. Every time a Taco Bell rings a redneck child has a hallucination caused by an endorphin rush.

  23. zhubajie

    I think it was Zeus,well-know pederast, who had sea-blue eyes. Early Christians thought that "I am black and beautiful" in Song of Solomon referred to Jesus.

    1. vulpes82

      Some people believe that the common depiction of Jesus we have is actually based on the statue of Zeus at Olympia that was one of the wonders of the world.

  24. NorthStarSpanx

    At least when the Dad put up a YouTube video of his boy complaining that someone stole his superhero backback with good stuff in there, he got Jimmy Kimmel to have him on his show and get a whole bag of goodies.

    This kid's dad doesn't think as big. But then again, Bristol as a single mom has never had to buy a single thing for her Jesus-loved towheaded son since she chose life and the fundies eat that shit up. Diapers, clothes, knitted orange sweaters, a box of toenails, an IRA, . . .the gifts range in value and crappiness.

  25. PabaBritannica

    And I asked Jesus "where do bad folks go when they die?" and he said "they don't go to heaven where the angels fly, they go to the lake of fire and fry." I asked Jesus "will I ever see them again?" and he replied "at the 4th of July."

    God Bless America.

  26. uncuntstitutional

    the kid's dad is a pastor. so there's no chance that little 4 year old colton was primed with extensive descriptions of heaven, jesus' blue eyes, and the baby that died in mommy's tummy and went up to heaven.

    there's also no chance that the pastor and his offspring have a genetically shared predisposition to schizophrenic hyper-religious visions and hallucinations.

    yes, this was absolutely 100% real, verified, and not a hoax at all. gretchen seems to buy it, and so should you.

    just a coincidence that they decided to write a book about it. they didn't do it for the money, they're just trying to spread the "good news"

    oh and also, appendicitis? what a bullshit "crisis." I thought the bar was higher for kids in a medical emergency having an out-of-body experience, like maybe if he had cancer or was in a horrific car crash or something.

    I had a appendicitis, too. and i had "visions" except they were also called anesthesia dreams. (I dreamt I was a famous actor guest-starring on an episode of seinfeld and julia louis dreyfus was my girlfriend. when I woke up in recovery, the orderly was watching reruns of seinfeld on TBS. oh and Jerry had blue eyes in my vision too! Is the sein really the second coming?!?)

  27. awesome_dude

    Wow what a loser.

    Also, Gretchen Carlson, you have no idea what it's like to have to "just sit here and take it," like you and your ilk like to complain, because you'll never have enough brain cells to rub together to realize how much bullshit this is.

    1. Progressiveinga

      Even worse. She graduated from Stanford and probably does have enough brain cells to rub together and she totally realizes what she's doing. She's satan.

  28. PabaBritannica

    Last time I had surgery, I dreamed I was working in a saw mill and my dad was there so does that mean I'll work in a mill in heaven?

  29. Chet Kincaid

    Stories like this make me miss "King Of The Hill." I'm seeing Bobby being interviewed by Nancy Gribble about Jesus's awesome magic tricks and Tom Landry's urgent instructions for Jerry Jones.

  30. ph7

    I hope Gretchen has me on to talk about the details of my dreams. Believers will be enthralled to hear me describe her kind and gentle O-face.

  31. SheriffRoscoe

    "God is so big he can actually hold the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD in His hand."

    At first, I was impressed by this because the world is huge, but then I thought, wait, Jupiter and Your Anus are huger, so big deal, God must not be so big. Then I thought, well, Jupiter and Saturn and those big planets are really nothing but swirling gas, and the Earth is the biggest of the rocky planets, which counts as, like, a hundred gaseous planets. So what I'm saying is I'm back to being super impressed.

  32. bureaucrap

    Not only was Jesus blue-eyed, but he drove a Hummer (rather than gave one), wore an American flag on his lapel, told Colt that Obama and Satan are one, and announced that Bill O'Reilly would be announcing the Christ's 2nd coming.

    And then he offered Colt a ham sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise, the only acceptable food in heaven.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      If you're telling me that they don't have lime green jello with nuts and cream cheese blended into it, (which is technically speaking, a "salad,") I simply won't enjoy my stay.

  33. MiniMencken

    I'm currently having a vision of the year 2022 or so. Drill instructor with eighth-grade education looks down the row of recruits in front of him and spots the name tag "Burpo" sewn over the shirt pocket.
    "These next six weeks," the DI thinks to himself, "are going to be extra fun."

  34. chascates

    Those were just those big contact lenses like Paris Hilton wears. Jesus is actually olive skinned, has a big nose, and kinky hair.

  35. Dr_pangloss

    Wait what? This kid nearly dies at four and years later he starts to remember all this near death experience stuff? Yeah that for reals. Nice "News" story there FOX, keep it classy.

  36. GOPCrusher

    Not sure which makes me sadder.
    1) The kid being forced to tell this story
    2) Faux Noise broadcasts it like it's real news.
    3) Right now, some dumbass is sending the You-Tube link to everyone in their address book, declaring it proof that Jesus Christ is a Caucasian male.

  37. Barrelhse

    I'm nearly at the end of my rope with these fucking morons. I can only hope that the god-damned fools who actually BUY this jeezly shit have spent their heating-oil money on it, and they'll freeze to death this winter.

  38. YouAllAreSick

    Hate and just plain stupidity are a lethal combination, particularly when found in a bunch of pathetic pose-ters like yourselves.

    A 10-yr old boy who is dull and disinterested. Hmmm. Never seen that before. Must be lying! Oh, and he is talking about a God of love and accountability, which sends you morons into a series of conniption fits: "Must deny. Must hate. Must lash out. Me like being idiot. Being idiot good. God bad. Wonkette posters not happy. Me not like God. Me like burying head up ass."

  39. outragedcitizen

    When I was 5 I had my tonsils out. They put me under with ether and I saw the devil. He was red with horns and a pitchfork. Do you think I really saw Satan or was my unconscious mind playing back all the Halloween costumes, horror movies and Sunday School crap that had been put in my still growing 5 year old brain?

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