legislature of dunces

Secessionist Arkansas State Rep: Confed. Flag ‘Symbol of Jesus Christ’

Wait a minute, this man is WHITE?Hey, you know what’s happening in the year 2010? A guy recently elected to the state legislature in Arkansas is the local chairman of a secessionist organization and says the flag of the Confederacy is “a symbol of Jesus Christ,” which is interesting, because other people would say that thing is a symbol that there’s not a Jesus Christ. Oh, but Republican Loy Mauch and his fellow cracker dweebs in The League of the South aren’t just waiting around until the Confederacy inevitably returns. They also seek to “personally secede from the corrupt and corrupting influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling their kids and starting “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.” Sounds like the kind of people you want running your state government.

For seven years, Mauch was the commander of James M. Keller Camp 648 of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. He stepped down as commander last year. In 2004, angered by the city of Hot Springs’ refusal to remove a statue of Abraham Lincoln displayed in the Hot Springs Civic and Convention Center, the Keller Camp hosted a conference in Hot Springs called “Seminar on Abraham Lincoln — Truth vs. Myth,” with a keynote address called “Homage to John Wilkes Booth.”

MYTH: Lincoln was a great president. FACT: Lincoln was a yankee negro who literally ate the heart and penis of a white Southerner for lunch every day, destroying Caucasian freedom forever.

You can have fun at The League of the South’s website reading all of the racist crap they’ve smeared about, but our favorite part is this:

Whenever possible, we prefer to use the more traditional, antebellum Southern English orthography; widely known to many as the Oxford standard which once saw widespread usage in Dixie prior to the War for Southern Independence and Reconstruction and even some limited use afterwards.

Finally these people have found cover for their poor spelling. [Arkansas Times via Wonkette legend chascates/League of the South]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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234 comments

    1. Not_So_Much

      Sure, Jeebus talked a good game about the whole slave thingy. But I'm not sure if he knew about teh brownz way back then. At least not the way this Grand Dragon genius does nowadays.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, and we make Gitmo Andersonville 2.0.

        Civil War 2.0: This Time We're Playing for Keeps.

        And when I say Playing for Keeps I'm talking extermination and repopulation.

        1. kenlayisalive

          "A new condo, a Prius, and comfortable chair made out of the femurs of Seccessionists" can be the new "Forty acres and a mule". Except for real this time, of course.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Now now. Many of Arkansas's finest goats sacrificed their virginity were fellated to within an inch of their lives so that Loy's stache could live on in sublime perpetuity.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I will continue to rock my handle-bars, though. For solidarity. With Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

      Have I ever killed anyone, though? No. Unless you believe my college writing professor.

    3. GOPCrusher

      That is a fine mustache that he's rockin. Needs some of those big-assed mutton chop sideburns and a gray hat to go with it.

  1. DashboardBuddha

    Later on he became the commander of the Helen Keller Camp. To reach such an exalted position, you had to be deaf, blind and DUMB.

  2. CapnFatback

    Whenever possible, we prefer to use the more traditional, antebellum Southern English orthography

    Not to mention traditional, antebellum Southern grooming habits. I bet that Colonel Plantation moustache has seen its fair share of lynchings over the years.

    1. genxr

      No he didn't. Jesus locked and loaded and racked up a huge body count, thus earning himself a congressional medal of honor. He didn't stop to heal no one, neither.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    They also seek to “personally secede from the corrupt and corrupting influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling their kids and starting “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.”

    If they move to Idaho, they'll find lots of people that think much the same way that they do. Or maybe Alaska would be the perfect spot for this ilk, what with all the wide open space and close to Jesus-ness of Palinland.

    1. Terry

      In my experience, Palin and her clan are not all that representative of Alaska. Wasilla, maybe, but not the State as a whole.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        I was watching a show about US Marshalls in Alaska, and all the crooks the cops were seeking seemed to all be in Wasilla.

    2. JustPixelz

      I pledge allegiance to the parallel institutions and to the republic for which it doesn't stand.

      That's the kind of olde tyme patriotism you just don't see anymore. Thankfully.

  4. i_AM_ready

    I don't avoid states like Arkansas because people like this exist, but because people like this get elected by majority votes.
    F— all you Arkansas retards…

    1. sezme

      Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas … What is it about states whose names start with A? So much stupid…

      1. OhNoGuy

        Arizona has already claimed the title of "The Pin Head State" so the rest of you "A" states can just back off.

    2. Negropolis

      It used to be that "Thank god for Mississippi" actually made sense. Now, they are all fuckin' Mississippi.

      Three of four of my grandparents were Arkansans, but they were black, so they didn't count. Clinton should be given more credit for being able to navigate shit that is Arkansas politics and rise to the top.

  5. Tengu

    At least he has the integrity to wear the facial hair that universally identifies him as a douchebag, just like John Bolton and Sarah Palin.

  6. slithytovesss

    They're starting "Parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties." If they're parallel, how are they that different? Is this like Kiwanis v. Rotary?

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      It's actually a Leninist strategy. But you can't have Workers Soviets in place of state institutions if you don't have workers but you do have contestants for the Biggest Loser.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      It would more impressive if the bastards could start their own parallel universes and migrate there.

      1. SorosBot

        Black holes may be a gateway to parallel universes; there's one at the center of the galaxy we could dump these guys in.

    3. prommie

      I prefer to call them "Potemkin" institutions, as in, Liberty University is a Potemkin University. They can also be compared to the Cargo Cults of New Guinea.

    1. kenlayisalive

      If it looks like an asshole, smells like an asshole, and has a mustache like that and doesn't live in Williamsburg, it's probably an asshole.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Now wait a minute — a Republican is hating on Abraham Lincoln? Dude, you're messing with the narrative, wherein the Republicans are supposed to be the proud bearers of the civil rights torch. Unless — for some reason — the modern Republican party isn't what Assity and Beck and Rush say it is. But that's not possible, so nevermind — this man is clearly some kind of closet Democrat.

  8. user-of-owls

    I can assure you that his co-religionists here also prefer to use the more traditional, antebellum Southern English orthodonty.

  9. OkieDokieDog

    I think most of his campaigns funds came from the White Jebus Monster Truck Rally & Hootenanny and the home-skooleded yungens popcorn ball sales outside the Wal-Mart.

  10. obfuscator2

    i say, i say, i say that this contemptible pile of steaming horse excrement is entertaining only because i hear foghorn leghorn's voice when i read his quotes.

    why fiddle dee dee he is positively the living end and i hope that he contracts cancer of the penis i do declare.

    1. OhNoGuy

      Son! I tell ya, Son! Ole Foghorn wouldn't have listened to this guys crap for 8 seconds before the Big Stick would have come out and Whap! Whap! Whap! then all those stars and moons goin' round and round his acne shaped head.

      Of course Foghorn is the last Southerner I could listen to for more than 40 seconds.

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    Before the last week, I thought of Jesus as the Prince of Peace, a wise man who gave people very good advice to live by.

    Now I know he is a gay hating, white cracker that is upset we don't have any slaves.

    Thanks you Conservatives for bringing the truth to light in all this Socialist/Liberation Theology darkness!

  12. x111e7thst

    Of the statue of Lincoln in the convention center, Mauch said: "I didn't think ..nobody in Arkansas voted for him."
    Could that have been because at the time , in Arkansas only (white) FuckTards were allowed to vote?

  13. 4TheTurnstiles

    Attention N. Sarkozy: Listen, we kept the receipt on the Purchase of Louisiana. Do you accept exchanges?

    Attention Prince William: Please take a break from banging your fiancee and fucking order the Royal Navy to take South Carolina back.

    This is my two-step solution to averting a second Civil War.

    1. finallyhappy

      I think we would accept a croissant and a small cheese in return or even pay the French to take it back

    2. charlesdegoal

      How about asking the Russkies to take back Alaska while you're at it? And then there is the matter of Texas of course…

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Great, Sarkozy can whip out all those counter-insurgency tactics from the Algerian War. With the Frenchy creole and cajun factions all turning guns on each other and the Frogs, Louisiana will be more percussive than a WOMAD festival. Bringing in Francophone African peacekeeping forces from Mali and Senegal would be the icing on the cake.

  14. Grief_Lessons

    I look forward to them opening parallel bath houses and glory holes to which I can attach my loyalty.

  15. Monsieur_Grumpe

    From the website…

    Q: What is the LS position regarding blacks in the South?
    A: The LS disavows a spirit of malice and extends an offer of good will and cooperation to Southern blacks in areas where we can work together as Christians to make life better for all people in the South. We affirm that, while historically the interests of Southern blacks and whites have been in part antagonistic, true Constitutional government would provide protection to all law-abiding citizens — not just to government-sponsored victim groups.

    Cooperation is Southern English orthography for slavery.

    1. CapeClod

      In other words, "I would even have them over for dinner at my house if they would stop being so shiftless and get a job."

    2. OneDollarJuana

      More clarification exists on the web site also:

      "[A South which is] structured upon the Biblical notion of hierarchy. In short, a recognition of the natural societal order of superiors and subordinates…"

      In other words, since the Bible is full of slavery, it is only logical that slavery of blacks is the natural societal order. Just no antagonism.

      1. zhubajie

        In the Bible, you have to free your slaves after 7 years. Cancel all the debts, too. Of course, fasting every 7th year might help Huckabee et al. lose weight.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Translation: we get to fuck the colored gals we own whenever we want, and they better keep their mouths shut about it, while we disavow all knowledge of them yellow pickaninnies over there.

      1. Rotundo_

        Yeah, placid acceptance of slavery and rape sounds about like the cooperation they seek. As for the stars and bars symbolizing Juh-HEEZ-us, I'm not seeing this. Maybe one has to be pants-pissing drunk or on a meth bender to make that mental connection. Or one might make that connection if sufficiently brain damaged from impact injury or stroking out.

    4. snoopyfan2010

      Do these people honestly think people trust anything they say anymore? Or maybe they don't really understand the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

  16. SorosBot

    And here I thought that Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment was no longer important because everyone who it applied to was now long dead, but this guy might qualify:

    No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.

      1. glindsey1979

        I would imagine the Arkansas Attorney General. The question is, what would happen if the state supported his unconstitutional holding of a state office? Do you send in Federal marshals to ensure he is removed from office? Do you just cold declare that the state, by rejecting the Constitution, has seceded by default? I'm hoping for the latter.

    1. glindsey1979

      I managed to get your extremely salient point onto their comments page before they kicked moderation on.

      1. fatoots

        Did you read some of those dixie fucktards comments? Thank God there were some sanity smacking them down.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Wow, couldn't we tie up the Governor of Texas, among others, with some lawsuits based on this? Might distract them from being a goddamned pestilence to the sane people under their "rule", at least for a few days out of the month. I'm serious!

  17. freakishlywrong

    This is why you'll see words like "colour" and "organisation" throughout DixieNet instead of the spellings you were taught in school.

    I wonder how they spell "racist?"

      1. WriteyWriterton

        "Cracker Dwee," (which, btw, is priceless, though soon enough, it will be "Cracker Dweeb Overlords [unhappy face]).

      2. WriteyWriterton

        "Cracker Dweeb," (which, btw, is priceless, though, soon enough, it will be "Cracker Dweeb Overlords"[unhappy face]).

    1. CapnFatback

      This is why you'll see words like "colour" and "organisation" throughout DixieNet instead of the spellings you were taught in school.

      Of course, by refusing to recognize the hard work of Noah Webster in his simplifying English spellings for a new, young, independent country, The League of the South is no doubt proclaiming their allegiance to the Crown.

      Language is always political, motherfucker.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    I'm still stunned that there's a person in North Louisiana who can use the word orthography correctly. Even more so that it's this guy.

    1. kenlayisalive

      He thinks he is referring to orthodontics. His campaign platform was "Wooden false teeth for all white people!"

    2. OneDollarJuana

      The history of the South is littered with literacy. Many famous authors lived and wrote in the South. Unfortunately, they usually had to drink heavily in order to survive.

      1. zhubajie

        As an Alabamian once told me, re: Wm Faulkner: "If you lived in Oxford, Mississippi, you would drink too!"

  19. Terry

    "In 2004, angered by the city of Hot Springs’ refusal to remove a statue of Abraham Lincoln displayed in the Hot Springs Civic and Convention Center, the Keller Camp hosted a conference in Hot Springs called “Seminar on Abraham Lincoln — Truth vs. Myth,” with a keynote address called “Homage to John Wilkes Booth.” "

    Frankly, I'm speechless.

    1. carlgt1

      I thought "Homage to John Wilkes Booth" was wonkette snark — but apparently that really was the keynote address?

      You can't satirize people this insane & hateful & just plain dumb.

  20. prommie

    Thank God we have this huge illegal immigrant problem, or else there would be no sane, decent people in this country, nothing but crazed, racist fuckwits from sea to shining sea.

    1. ph7

      Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Anything to reverse the shallowing gene pool.

  21. mereoblivion

    I'm giving the keynote at this year's seminar: "John Wilkes Booth–In Case You Were Wondering Why Showbiz People Say 'Break a Leg'."

  22. PublicLuxury

    It is our patriotic duty to build a fence around Arkansas, securing its borders. Then we send in Americas' finest. It can be called 'sniper school' so other dipshit morans don't get suspicious and try to fight back.

  23. Serolf_Divad

    Whenever possible, we prefer to use the more traditional, antebellum Southern English orthography; widely known to many as the Oxford standard which once saw widespread usage in Dixie prior to the War for Southern Independence and Reconstruction and even some limited use afterwards.

    Examples of such orthography abound in contemporary Arkansas:

    moran for "moron"
    coon gizzard for "hamburger"
    wife for "sister" or in some cases "first cousin"
    pastor for "snake oil salesman"
    scholar for "high school graduate"
    communist for "college graduate"

    etc.

  24. PublicLuxury

    Why doesn't the government forcilby sterilize some people? Oh yeah. Now I remember in the US of A every butt-reaming asshole has the right to breed.

  25. YasserArraFeck

    To paraphrase the crazy mountain man in "Deliverance": "He got a real pretty Mauch, ain't he?"
    "That's the truth"

    Seriously, though – I lived in Little Rock AR for 6 years, and there are reasonable, sane people there….just not that many of them. Little Rock is a …..little…er…rock of relative enlightenment in a sea of antedeluvian fucktarderocity, typified by this mustachio'd hog-fucker….and the Duggars, of course.

  26. thefrontpage

    Taking bets now at the National Hypocrisy Center on when this idiot is caught on camera with a 22-year-old male massage therapist carrying his luggage on a trip to Europe, the Carribean and Fire Island.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      It's 2010, not 1974: there are only two reasons to have a mustache, & only one of them is irony.

      A great politics man once advised me of that. I will not share his name so as not to crimp his efforts as a bagman.

  27. horsedreamer_1

    GUITEAU the hell out of here, you'll say, when we tell you about our savings. You must have CZOLGOSZ nuts to make that deal.

    What can we say? We're breaking the fourth OSWALD of sales.

  28. mavenmaven

    He states: "Secession has never been unconstitutional", and that the constitution is the basis for Biblical Government (though it needs to be "small").
    Of course, according to small biblical secessional constitutional law, generations of inbreeding are considered desirable as well, so there.

  29. genxr

    No, no, the interests of these two groups (the lynchers and the lynchees) have only been IN PART antagonistic. On most things, they were in perfect agreement – for example, on which direction blacks should run when faced with a white lynch mob. He merely wants to return to that sort of cooperation.

  30. edgydrifter

    I love that these fuckstains get all misty-eyed over those halcyon days when there was a chicken in every pot and a slave in every attic, but fail to realize that most dumbass crackers couldn't afford chattel of their own. You think they were just handing out blackbirds down at the dock? Hell no. That shit was expensive. Low-skill whitebreads like this douche were getting hookworms from walking around barefoot in their own poop back on the dirt farm. They weren't getting serenaded by the house servants on the front steps of Tara.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      They still revere those sharecroppin' days. That's why they keep votin' fer "right-to-work" laws.

  31. HempDogbane

    …traditional, antebellum Southern English orthography; widely known to many as the Oxford standard of run-on sentences and run-off the blacks.

  32. PalinPussyPower

    Cave dwellers like this kick my liberal elitism into overdrive. You just know this asshole happily gets reamed by the town's high school quarterback on Saturday night out behind the barn and then shows up to church on Sunday morning to read passages from the gospels and weeps.

  33. Fare la Volpe

    So it's like a role-playing club? How fun!

    Loy rolls a Saturation check and finds that his shoeshine boy is Plus-3 shades too dark. Thankfully he's equipped with his White Hood of Invisibility and Plus-10 Hangin' Noose. XP BOOST!

  34. Barrelhse

    He must have meant Oxford, MS.:

    Oxford Town in the afternoon
    Everybody's singin' a sorrowful tune
    Two men died 'neath the Mississippi moon
    Somebody better investigate soon. (Dylan)

  35. doxastic

    Oh, so when my cracker relatives talk about the War of Northern Aggression, and their feelings toward blacks, jews and catholics, they are just using proper Southern english orthography.

  36. Weenus299

    League of the Southers Fucking piss me off. They gave such a bad name to reenactors, living-history dorks like me, that I had to quit out of sickness to my stomach and all the anger from within my gut.

    I just wanted to march around a whole lot and wear wool uniforms, you know? Fuck all the politics.

    And "The League of the South" is so named because "The Southern League" was taken by the 2A-level minor-league baseball conference. Look that shit up.

  37. Eve8Apples

    "They also seek to “personally secede from the corrupt and corrupting influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling their kids"

    I expect Arkansas public schools will see a dramatic improvement in their students' standardized test scores after the mouthbreathing twats leave.

  38. horsedreamer_1

    Finally, Gene Mauch can rest easy, knowing the '64 Phillies collapse isn't the worst thing a man with his name has ever done.

  39. Bluestatelibel

    You know, you can homeschool your kids all you want, but they're going to wind up on Facebook talking trash and getting corrupted anyway. They will find a way, believe me. If you want to return to life two centuries ago, better start working on a time machine, because this plan isn't going to work.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Are you kidding? Evict them. Put up a fence. And wait for their bit of the power grid to fail. I'd give it a week, ten days.

  40. imissopus

    I'm sure Fox News is denouncing this guy as we speak, demanding that such un-American bullshit not be allowed anywhere near the levers of government, giving Gingrich and Huckabee (especially Huckabee) a forum to say that this guy is not representative of the Republican Party and not in any way a person the party wants putting an R next to his name…

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Whew! Made myself giggle there.

  41. donner_froh

    “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.” Sounds like the kind of people you want running your state government.

    Right on the money. State government does dull stuff like distribute tax money to school districts, maintain roads and bridges, deal with state parks–that kind of thing. I don't think that a snowplow run by a parallel institution will keep the streets clear.

    1. zhubajie

      Libertarians have fever dreams of private enterprises building these things, then paying for them with tolls….

  42. comrad_darkness

    antebellum Southern English orthography

    Whilst these colours, I do say, dare not run, my neighbours certainly do when I surprize them by knocking them up in the morning out of fear they will be late for their daily labours.

  43. hagajim

    Why is it that these dillholes, who announce regularly that they hate our gubmint, keep running for positions in said gubmint….must be the healthcare?

    1. zhubajie

      Government and politics are one of the few careers that do not require competence in something or other.

  44. Tundra Grifter

    So when Willow and Bristol post on Facebook and Twitter it isn't poor ass spelling, it's "antebellum Southern English Oxford orthography?"

  45. PresBeeblebrox

    Ha ha, just like everything Obama does is a referendum on American Librulism and Blackness, everything they did in the South before the Civil War, including omitting apostrophes, is genteel and shows how them Northerners are crude and shitty talkers:
    http://dixienet.org/New%20Site/verbalindependence

    4) The One-Syllable Contractions. Omit the apostrophe on these: wont, dont, arent, cant, aint. I think I'll add caint out of allegiance to my Upcountry Carolina heritage. Caint is a wonderful elision of cant and aint and is honestly and manfully powerful-as-hell, especially next to the milk-sop can’t when it is given the decadent swank of the broad ‘a’ of Boston or the nasalised venom of the keeint of Brooklyn.

  46. PresBeeblebrox

    Holy shit, that League of the South site is a gateway to all sorts of crazy, like this book:

    A Southside View of Slavery
    Nehemiah Adams (1854)

    Few who agitated against Southern slavery in the Nineteenth Century had ever seen it with their own eyes. His mind occupied with Abolitionist propaganda, Nehemiah Adams journeyed from Boston to the South to witness the "horrors" of slavery for himself. Instead of the expected scenes of cowing slaves, whose humanity was being crushed by cruel bondage, what he found was a well-ordered society in which the Negroes were mainly content, well-cared for by their masters, and even evangelized. The author warns his Northern brethren that a continued assault upon the South's "peculiar institution" would lead to a destruction of the Union and the ultimate ruin of the Black population. Of particular interest is the chapter written in response to Harriet Beecher Stowe's fictional romance, Uncle Tom's Cabin. pb 214 pages $13.00 + shipping.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      Ugh! These are the same people who compare abortion and taxes to slavery and say that they're bad. Too stupid to know they're stupid. Too foolish to know they can't fool anyone else.

    2. zhubajie

      Apologies like this for slavery were as common as dog turds. Happily, there are lots of runaway slave memoirs, too.

  47. chascates

    I wish I was in de land ob cotton,
    Old times dar am not forgotten;
    Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land.

  48. Zombie_Reagan

    This sort of ignorance cannot be real.

    I refuse to believe that anyone with an I.Q. over 10 would believe this tripe.

  49. PublicLuxury

    Boy, David Duke has really put on the weight recently. Steroids? Too many times at the trough at Golden Corral?

  50. PhilippePetain

    This guy would probably flip out if he knew that he would look completely at home in any given bear bar in the nation.

  51. atlasspanked

    Maybe we should just wait until they're all asleep and defenseless, then lob cannonballs at them, start a thoroughly destructive civil conflict that kills millions, and label it 'the war of southern aggression.'

    After all, it's about preserving our way of life, namely sanity.

  52. bringmeanaxe

    It kind of makes sense. When I see one of those confererate flag bumper stickers, I think, "Jesus Christ".

  53. zhubajie

    Should've totally exiled them, and hanged their leaders, as with the Sioux or sold'em to Brazil, to work in the sugar plantations.

  54. elfgoldsackring

    Ironically enough, the Oxford English Dictionary is the only authority in the whole sphere of British English that actually prefers -ize spellings over -ise ones. Or in terms Mr Mauch would understand: Ur one dumbass cracka, boy!

  55. Negropolis

    Why did we even bother giving these wretches back their citizenship after the war? We should have just kept 'em a territory. They could have been a contender, guys. They could have been the new Alaska.

  56. Beowoof

    This inbred, hillbilly asshole should be thrown out of congress and tried and hung for treason. And then he should be crucified by freed slaves after tongue punching their fart boxes. And I toned it down for the net.

  57. JackObin

    There really aren't enough stupid people in America. What can be done to alleviate this horrible problem?

  58. zhubajie

    I've always wondered about the job prospects of someone home-schooled with the King James Bible. Creation Science, Flood Geology, Pi=3 cuz II Kings says so leads to what? Politics? The military? The Pentecostal Holiness Church?

Comments are closed.