CHILDHOOD TRAUMA  6:10 pm November 17, 2010

What Exactly Is Glenn Beck Doing With This Child On His New Book’s Cover?

by Jack Stuef

And the hands rise up in 3...2...1...
Yes, we could assume that Glenn Beck and that other guy on this cover are this kid’s gay dads, to go for (a Wonkette record?) three-straight (three-gay) posts about gayness. But we will just advise Glenn Beck that this kid has the right strategy sliding into first; Glenn shouldn’t have his mouth open so wide. And we agree with the man staring creepily at us from the back there: This is some kind of wonder. How many takes did they have to do like this? [Public Road via Gawker]

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Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate November 17, 2010 at 6:11 pm

So this is the pedo book everyone was shitting on Amazon about.

CapnFatback November 17, 2010 at 9:25 pm

Show me on the puppet where he touched you!

Clancy_Pants November 17, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Beck a pedophile? No surprise. But what's Tom Colicchio doing there?

nounverb911 November 17, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Is this book located in the pedophile section of Amazon?

bumfug November 17, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Wow! Glenn really looks happy! I guess now we know what he's been crying for.

Maman November 17, 2010 at 6:16 pm

OMG, he is going to eat that kid! While that guy watches!

HELisforHEL November 18, 2010 at 9:41 am

That Dingo is gonna eat that baby.

Sorry, that's an insult to Dingoes.

metamarcisf November 17, 2010 at 6:16 pm

I'm tempted to buy the text, but I think I'll wait for the audiobook, narrated by Keith Richards.

foog November 18, 2010 at 7:03 am

Can I just chime in here, appropos of nuthin, to suggest that all wonketteers bump up metamarcisf's e-peen score? I know that the negative score is sort of a badge of honour from his battles in whatever festering swamps of teatardedness he wades into, but it's starting to bug me. Shirly we can give him more ups than they can downs, no?

metamarcisf November 18, 2010 at 7:52 am

Thanks for the post. And don't call me Shirley

glindsey1979 November 18, 2010 at 9:44 am

I dunno… I mean, he's just *that* good at pissing them off. I don't think I've ever seen somebody else succeed at getting a comment down to -251.

chickensmack November 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Stephen Covey endorses Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assholes.

kittylittr November 18, 2010 at 1:37 am

I'm wondering if the number seven has some magical powers to Mormons. Is that the ideal number of daughter-wives or something?

DaSandman November 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Clearly the bald guy just sold Beck a new playmate and is waiting till the Glennster does a little road test.

Why do the Wonkettes hate small business so?

weejee November 17, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Since the Beckster is not a deep thinker this must be pedolite.

bokononista November 17, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Beck would have reached a wider child audience if he'd left the bear outfit on for the book cover photo-shoot.

MinAgain November 17, 2010 at 6:18 pm

It's all fun and games, until some moron glues a kid to his forehead.

nounverb911 November 17, 2010 at 6:19 pm

That kid is scarred for life. He now faces a lifetime of bad dreams and psychoanalysis.

Beowoof November 17, 2010 at 8:21 pm

And that was before Glenn Beck pulled his cock out.

Lascauxcaveman November 18, 2010 at 12:23 am

I blame his parents.

It's absurdly easy for me to do this. I'm a parent and my kids are ridiculously well adjusted. This means I get to be judgmental.

DCHatesMe November 18, 2010 at 9:10 am

Sure, the kid is scarred but what about me? That's a disturbing picture and Dr Ablow has his hands on his hips. That can't be good.

ttommyunger November 17, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Is that a Denny's Restroom? No, it can't be, the Beckster has been barred from those.

Badonkadonkette November 17, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Surely I can't be the only one who sees a creepy resemblance between Glenn Beck and Simple Jack.

BarackMyWorld November 17, 2010 at 6:28 pm

"Holding little boys m-m-m-m-m-makes me happy."

Gratuitous World November 17, 2010 at 6:47 pm

never go full self-help-author

iburl November 17, 2010 at 6:23 pm

7 wonders:
1) Beer
2) Uppers
3) Downers
4) Gold
5) Hating Progress
6) Crying
7) Little Scamps

SexySmurf November 17, 2010 at 6:36 pm

8) Cocaine.
9) Pissing on Woodrow Wilson's grave.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2010 at 10:02 pm

10) Betsy Ross blow-up doll

iburl November 17, 2010 at 10:36 pm

11) Powdered Wig and Crotchless Founder's Tights

An_Outhouse November 18, 2010 at 9:20 am

12) LSD

Rarian Rakista November 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm


smrtmnky November 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm

glenny's just making sure the kid isn't asian.

BarackMyWorld November 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm

The "Seven Wonders" referred to in the title are (in no particular order):

1. a TV deal

2. being paid an insane amount of money

3. a lack of shame

4. media whoring

5. religious hypocrisy

6. regular hypocrisy

7. cock….lots and lots of cock

SayItWithWookies November 17, 2010 at 6:25 pm

They should've stuck with the original title, Men Who Love Sweaters (and the Children Who Love Them).

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 9:31 pm

They should've stuck with the original title, Men Who Love Sweaters (and the Children Who STRUGGLE UNSUCCESSFULLY TO ESCAPE FROM Them).

OhNoGuy November 17, 2010 at 9:42 pm

No, no, no. "How to Bite a Child"

Chapt 1. "Why Child should be crying before you bite"

Chapt 2. "Where to hit Mom when she objects"

etc, & so on & so on

OneYieldRegular November 17, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Is that Kojak in the background? If so, this somehow makes sense.

SmutBoffin November 17, 2010 at 6:29 pm

No. This makes no sense however you look at it. In fact, it makes negative sense – some other things that originally were capable of being understood by humans are now complete, unresolvable mysteries.

Glenn Beck has this effect.

Beowoof November 17, 2010 at 8:22 pm

No the cuffs are for the party planned for later.

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 10:38 pm

It does indeed. And lollipops is the reason.

EdFlintstone November 17, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Glenn, I don't need to change my life, just the channel whenever you're on.

Fare la Volpe November 17, 2010 at 6:31 pm

"Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before?"

Beetagger November 17, 2010 at 8:01 pm

Do you like gladiator movies?

iburl November 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm

Have you ever seen a fully grown man naked and crying?

horsedreamer_1 November 17, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Ever been in a Turkish prison?

Radiotherapy November 17, 2010 at 9:58 pm

"Joey, whatever you do, don't go near that man behind me."

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 10:39 pm

"Do you have a dog?"

Crank_Tango November 17, 2010 at 10:42 pm

do you like it when scraps grabs your leg and rubs up and down?

Mort_Sinclair November 17, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Wow, I didn't think it was possible for Beck to be more tone deaf, but he actually is. One look at this cover and you instantly think gay dudes have a son. I suspect whoever designed the cover hates Glenn Beck or is gay and fantasizing about Glenn Beck.

V572625694 November 17, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Not sure what to do with this Wiki-fact:

"[Dr Stephen Ablow] has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, the Today Show, The Howard Stern Show, Good Morning America, The Tyra Banks Show, Nancy Grace (CNN) program), Catherine Crier Live and The O'Reilly Factor."

SmutBoffin November 17, 2010 at 6:42 pm

The funny part is that, for someone trained in the diagnosis and treatment of mental health problems, he cannot recognize a crazy person IN THE SAME ROOM as himself.

jim89048 November 17, 2010 at 6:52 pm

What–no mention of bleck's own show?

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 10:41 pm

Get glasses, Jim: It said he was on the "Crier Show."

Rotundo_ November 17, 2010 at 6:52 pm

So I am guessing he is an expert on television programming that sucks? No? Okay then, he's an expert that sucks on television programming that sucks? No? Ummmm, he's an expert on sucking, that sucks on television programming that sucks? No? Okay already, last try: He's a bargain basement knockoff of "Doctor" Phil that Becko is splitting the profits on the book with because no one would buy this turd (even wingers) without Becko mugging for the camera on it? Whew, I was running out of ideas there…

elfgoldsackring November 17, 2010 at 7:19 pm

I just love the look of defiant confidence he's got. "Yeah, that's right, I work as a matchmaker at NAMBLA — what of it?"

Radiotherapy November 17, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Don't forget, he sucks, and he sucks little boy's dicks and shriveled herpetic dicks like Beck's.
Ablow and Sucking, what's the difference?

fuflans November 17, 2010 at 7:33 pm

media whore?

An_Outhouse November 18, 2010 at 9:22 am

Take that fact and file it under : "Self Promoting Media Whore"

Gratuitous World November 17, 2010 at 6:47 pm

What is it? The Seven Minutes That Ruined This Kid's Life?

SteveMcCroskey November 17, 2010 at 6:47 pm

[Dr. Ablow] is the author of six bestselling crime novels, all of which feature a forensic psychiatrist who solves mysteries beyond the grasp of other investigators.

I think the real mystery is going to be what's hidden in Glenn's crawlspace.

Beowoof November 17, 2010 at 8:24 pm

Like this guy could figure out a plot line that would confuse anyone, including Beck.

mrblifil November 17, 2010 at 6:47 pm

Beck has only daughters. Only sayin'. And nothing says NAMBLA quite so much as a V-neck sweater over starched-collar shirt. That and the rock hard erection while holding a boy in your arms who is a little old to be held in one's arms.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2010 at 10:05 pm

That and the strategic placement of the title block.

Dashboard_Jesus November 18, 2010 at 12:55 am

yeah I pretty much assumed that wasn't his own child but what SANE parent would let this INSANE man grope their little boy, on the cover of his 'book' with some pedophile/ psychiatrist (btw, I wanna see his doctorin' cirtificut, srsly!) looking on menacingly in the background…this is the creepiest fucking thing I've seen in a looong time

Radiotherapy November 17, 2010 at 6:49 pm

From the AFA website:
“I have noticed a disturbing trend in these books, which few others seem to have recognized. We have feminized right wing pedophiles."

weejee November 17, 2010 at 7:47 pm

None more group turban wedgies?

obfuscator2 November 17, 2010 at 6:53 pm

glenn wants you to ride his disco stick… right after this message from

Oblios_Cap November 17, 2010 at 6:56 pm

To the chalkboards!

bravo_sierra November 17, 2010 at 6:59 pm

I consider myself to have only an average level of perversion and there is clearly something wrong going on in this photo. What were they thinking?

edgydrifter November 17, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Any list of world wonders that doesn't include the seventeen-chambered habitrail bong my buddy Dave made in college is sadly incomplete.

Also, Glen Beck is a scary prick who shouldn't be around children ever, which is probably why he had to have his "handler" within arm's reach for this photo shoot.

user-of-owls November 17, 2010 at 7:03 pm

For those of us who were altar boys (yes, in all its ugly truth), this picture plumbs depths of horror that many of you may not know. And for that, I am thankful.

comrad_darkness November 17, 2010 at 7:07 pm

My altar boy experience never ran to this. I guess I missed out?

LionelHutzEsq November 17, 2010 at 7:05 pm

He has never denied it.

BadassKitty November 17, 2010 at 7:06 pm

Am I the only person who thinks this looked Photoshopped? It would be a little less creepy if I knew that Beck was never actually in the same room as that kid. Please tell me it's shopped.

PsycWench November 17, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Yes, the original receiver of Glenn's embrace and open mouth was Larry Craig. You can tell because all the shadows are wrong. Or something.

Sparky_McGruff November 18, 2010 at 8:59 am

Unfortunately, I think the photoshop job was to paste the other guy in so it didn't look like Beck was alone with the boy. Oh, and to airbush out the wet spots on Beck's pants.

MelvinOfTheApes November 18, 2010 at 1:04 pm

My thought immediately. Bald guy stone cold PhotoShopped in. Or maybe something other program? PS seems so toucy-feely and liberal, and Gimp is just plain Communist for being free. Is there a Teabaggy photo processing program?

comrad_darkness November 17, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Thar she Ablows!

petehammer November 18, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Yar, I'm hunting the mysterious White Child. I've tried to "harpoon" him many-a-time. Queebeck, have you got'im?

elfgoldsackring November 17, 2010 at 7:09 pm

"You're going to have a new home now, Billy. By the way, from now on, your name is Food Insurance."

Negropolis November 18, 2010 at 12:41 am


x111e7thst November 17, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Crying Glenda is obviously planning to join Ken Buck's Colorado Boy Ranching business. This is an astute move on Glenda's part. Prime, grassfed, corn-finished boy will command a premium from the new House Leadership which will be doing plenty of celebrating.

LionelHutzEsq November 17, 2010 at 7:23 pm

You libtards with your "Oh, he is fondling a kid, he must be gay," stuff. If you had ever listen to Beck you would quickly know the truth. He is holding the kid close to look for the "666" on his forehead, indicating that he voted for Obama, is a Socialist, a member of ACORN and Organizing for America, and fully funded by George Soros.

If he finds the "666", then the only recourse is to use a cross of gold and some freeze dried food on the kid, in the hope of either destroying his corporal existence, or to save his soul.

It's for his own protection, people!

petehammer November 18, 2010 at 12:24 pm

All I hear is Ken Brockman on that last line ("It's in Revelations, people!"

VinnyThePooh November 17, 2010 at 7:28 pm

"Mr. Beck."
"Yes, son?"
"Why do you have 'seven kinds of cock' breath?"

petehammer November 18, 2010 at 12:25 pm

"Because an eighth wasn't available"

finallyhappy November 17, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Absolutely, if I didn't see Beck's name, I would think this is a book about gay men and their children. Instead, I think it is probably Beck getting ready to tear out the boy's throat with his teeth while the man who sired Beck(vampire term- get with it!) watches.

Beowoof November 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm

And you know seeing Beck's name made think it was about gay men and their children, hiding in the closet under some coats.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 17, 2010 at 7:31 pm


Bluestatelibel November 17, 2010 at 7:35 pm

It really looks like two gay dads…not that I think there's anything wrong with that, but I doubt Beck's followers share my feelings.

xsluggo November 18, 2010 at 11:33 am

“I Have Two Daddys”?

lumpenprole November 17, 2010 at 7:37 pm

Ah, a variation on the old Mormon Mind Meld.
"My madness is your madness. My chalkboard to your chalkboard…"

OhNoGuy November 17, 2010 at 9:48 pm

I love it when the White Salamander talks.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm

7 Wonders:

Wonder if hot dogs are gay?
Wonder if chalk dust causes hemorrhoids?
Wonder what a solid gold toilet seat would feel like?
Wonder if this kid is a natural brunette?
Wonder if this kid's dad is suspicious?
Wonder what Bristol tastes like?
Wonder if I've hit bottom yet?

deanbooth November 17, 2010 at 7:57 pm

I find this cover touching. Unwelcome touching!

Lucidamente1 November 17, 2010 at 7:58 pm

"Remember, Jimmy, 'progressive' is just a code word for 'communist.' Now drop your trousers."

WordSaladNation November 17, 2010 at 8:06 pm

At least that's better than the book's first title, The Seven Inches That Will Change Your Life.

Barrelhse November 17, 2010 at 11:01 pm

That was when they had FOUR people in the picture. The one with the dick pulled out.

Mindblank November 18, 2010 at 9:02 am


GuanoFaucet November 17, 2010 at 8:06 pm

Kid: "Mister, why do you cry so much?"

Beck: "Because, son, I'm so stupid it hurts."

Redhead November 17, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Calm down guys. Beck doesn't want to molest that kid. He's picturing a giant mound of cocaine where the kid's head should be.

Pragmatist2 November 17, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Looks to me like baby has two daddies!

elpinche November 17, 2010 at 8:57 pm

That kid's lucky to be alive. He's not raped and dead like Beck's other baby miracle. What? Look it up !

Neilist November 17, 2010 at 9:00 pm

Okay, you people have convinced me.

From now on, it's Commie Pinko Liberal Skum FAGS.

Third Towel From The Left
Sutro Baths, S.F.
"Bend Over, I'll Drive!"

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 9:36 pm

Wrong, Neilist!

It's WORTHLY Commie Pinko Liberal Skum FAGS!!!

PS Was that you that shot up the teevee?

__kth__ November 17, 2010 at 9:13 pm

The book's title seems strategically placed on the cover.

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 9:22 pm

It's a tag team match. The kid doesn't stand a chance.

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 9:38 pm

First on left: Head is shape of penis
Second from left: Nose is reminiscent of droopy penis
On the right: Hoodie is color of angry, yet sadly wistful, penis

elpinche November 17, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Two Penises and a Baby

sarjo November 17, 2010 at 10:14 pm


imissopus November 17, 2010 at 9:42 pm


XOhioan November 17, 2010 at 9:58 pm

Into head-shaving bears. KNEW it.
Oh hell, look what I just found:

Office_39 November 17, 2010 at 10:56 pm

Scary book cover. I will have to stare at YouPorn for a while to get the image out of my mind.

obfuscator2 November 17, 2010 at 11:15 pm

"why timmy has two dads… who are assholes"

elpinche November 17, 2010 at 11:49 pm

There is no plugin that can fix those pig eyes.

Negropolis November 18, 2010 at 12:44 am

This book cover smells of childrens' tears, anxiety, and regret. Oh, and bourbon, Vicodin, and gold, shit-loads of unrefined gold. Oh, and Magic Underpants. Also.

kittylittr November 18, 2010 at 1:32 am

So THIS is the book that was banned by Amazon?

kittylittr November 18, 2010 at 1:33 am

Mr. Beck, I have Stephen Covey's attorney for you on line one.

chascates November 18, 2010 at 2:20 am

By the time Beck's finished with that kid he'll be so petrified of life under Obama he'll consider suicide. Which Beck will explain away by saying that Obama is causing it.

Negropolis November 18, 2010 at 2:58 am

Oh, goody! An Obama death cult!

So, in what part of his term have the Beckites/ians chosen to ride a comet to the sun, and by that I mean attend a cyanide suicide party? Is it when he makes Hillary his vice president?

SudsMcKenzie November 18, 2010 at 2:43 am

Even the folks in the Walmart checkout line will be sayin "that aint right"

Qatarded November 18, 2010 at 3:24 am

Chicken Soup for the Pedophile's Soul. Chapter 1: Pat The Bunny.

Mindblank November 18, 2010 at 9:05 am

If you let your mind wander, you just naturally associate Glenn Beck with poopy diapers. Possibly, there's a psychic link to David Vitter.

HistoriCat November 18, 2010 at 9:22 am

That was a girl … maybe this boy's older sister? Hmmm – this conspiracy is deeper and more sordid than I thought.

petehammer November 18, 2010 at 11:04 am

Or, maybe the girl was just a ruse to throw us off the scent? The real conspiracy is much, much darker.

In fact, when have you ever seen Glenn Beck with a woman? 12 more DRUDGE SIRENS!

StillGoinGreen November 18, 2010 at 10:31 am

The kid on the cover is Glenn Beck's son, Raphe, so it kinda takes away the creepy for me – until I remember that Glenn Beck is still on the cover.

NorthStarSpanx November 18, 2010 at 10:39 am

It's discomfiting but pretty tame compared to Putin blowing a raspberry on the belly of a poor little Russian boy.

At least he didn't usurp Trig.

Rosie_Scenario November 18, 2010 at 10:55 am

A Blow? Too easy.

bitchincamaro2 November 18, 2010 at 11:20 am

"What's your safe word, kid?"

xsluggo November 18, 2010 at 11:42 am

“We believe that it was God’s plan for us to meet; that it was God’s plan for us to speak so openly with one another; and it was God’s plan that we share with you the seven wonders we discovered together.

—Glenn Beck & Dr. Keith Ablow”

Couldn’t make that up if I tried.

thefrontpage November 18, 2010 at 11:59 am

Is this book a collection of horror stories? Because the cover is very scary.

I hope the kid got paid $2 million for this, because any thing less is a rip-off.

By the way, just as a reminder, because: Beckola's horrorshow "rally" drew about 87,000 people. Jon Stewart's entertainment show rally (that's meant as a compliment, because it was not political!) drew about 215,000 people.

DashboardBuddha November 18, 2010 at 12:21 pm

17 hours and no blingee or photoshop?

hagajim November 18, 2010 at 12:29 pm

My 7 wonders:
I wonder when Glenn Beck will die;
I wonder when Grover Norquist will die;
I wonder when Skeletor Cheney will die;
I wonder when people will realize Reagan destroyed this country;
I wondered when Robert Novack would die;
I wonder when Sarah Palin will become irrelevant; and
I wonder why the hell I spend so much time on Wonkette

Rarian Rakista November 18, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I think the kid wants to know 2 things, why does Glenn Beck's mouth smell like pee-pee and why is he feeling real sleepy after eating Uncle Beck's good boy shake?

sanantonerose November 18, 2010 at 6:21 pm

I'm sure the photog went round and round with the two men discussing which shots wouldn't look ghey. Can you imagine any other positioning that wouldn't look weirder than this one? I hope the photog was paid well.

opiejeanne November 18, 2010 at 6:35 pm

That guy in the background is creepier than Beck holding the kid.

That phrase: slide into first. I take it you're not a baseball fan.

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