childhood trauma

What Exactly Is Glenn Beck Doing With This Child On His New Book’s Cover?

And the hands rise up in 3...2...1...
Yes, we could assume that Glenn Beck and that other guy on this cover are this kid’s gay dads, to go for (a Wonkette record?) three-straight (three-gay) posts about gayness. But we will just advise Glenn Beck that this kid has the right strategy sliding into first; Glenn shouldn’t have his mouth open so wide. And we agree with the man staring creepily at us from the back there: This is some kind of wonder. How many takes did they have to do like this? [Public Road via Gawker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. foog

      Can I just chime in here, appropos of nuthin, to suggest that all wonketteers bump up metamarcisf's e-peen score? I know that the negative score is sort of a badge of honour from his battles in whatever festering swamps of teatardedness he wades into, but it's starting to bug me. Shirly we can give him more ups than they can downs, no?

      1. glindsey1979

        I dunno… I mean, he's just *that* good at pissing them off. I don't think I've ever seen somebody else succeed at getting a comment down to -251.

  1. DaSandman

    Clearly the bald guy just sold Beck a new playmate and is waiting till the Glennster does a little road test.

    Why do the Wonkettes hate small business so?

  2. bokononista

    Beck would have reached a wider child audience if he'd left the bear outfit on for the book cover photo-shoot.

    1. DCHatesMe

      Sure, the kid is scarred but what about me? That's a disturbing picture and Dr Ablow has his hands on his hips. That can't be good.

  3. BarackMyWorld

    The "Seven Wonders" referred to in the title are (in no particular order):

    1. a TV deal

    2. being paid an insane amount of money

    3. a lack of shame

    4. media whoring

    5. religious hypocrisy

    6. regular hypocrisy

    7. cock….lots and lots of cock

  4. SayItWithWookies

    They should've stuck with the original title, Men Who Love Sweaters (and the Children Who Love Them).

    1. sarjo

      They should've stuck with the original title, Men Who Love Sweaters (and the Children Who STRUGGLE UNSUCCESSFULLY TO ESCAPE FROM Them).

    2. OhNoGuy

      No, no, no. "How to Bite a Child"

      Chapt 1. "Why Child should be crying before you bite"

      Chapt 2. "Where to hit Mom when she objects"

      etc, & so on & so on

    1. SmutBoffin

      No. This makes no sense however you look at it. In fact, it makes negative sense – some other things that originally were capable of being understood by humans are now complete, unresolvable mysteries.

      Glenn Beck has this effect.

  5. Mort_Sinclair

    Wow, I didn't think it was possible for Beck to be more tone deaf, but he actually is. One look at this cover and you instantly think gay dudes have a son. I suspect whoever designed the cover hates Glenn Beck or is gay and fantasizing about Glenn Beck.

  6. V572625694

    Not sure what to do with this Wiki-fact:

    "[Dr Stephen Ablow] has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, the Today Show, The Howard Stern Show, Good Morning America, The Tyra Banks Show, Nancy Grace (CNN) program), Catherine Crier Live and The O'Reilly Factor."

    1. SmutBoffin

      The funny part is that, for someone trained in the diagnosis and treatment of mental health problems, he cannot recognize a crazy person IN THE SAME ROOM as himself.

    2. Rotundo_

      So I am guessing he is an expert on television programming that sucks? No? Okay then, he's an expert that sucks on television programming that sucks? No? Ummmm, he's an expert on sucking, that sucks on television programming that sucks? No? Okay already, last try: He's a bargain basement knockoff of "Doctor" Phil that Becko is splitting the profits on the book with because no one would buy this turd (even wingers) without Becko mugging for the camera on it? Whew, I was running out of ideas there…

      1. elfgoldsackring

        I just love the look of defiant confidence he's got. "Yeah, that's right, I work as a matchmaker at NAMBLA — what of it?"

      2. Radiotherapy

        Don't forget, he sucks, and he sucks little boy's dicks and shriveled herpetic dicks like Beck's.
        Ablow and Sucking, what's the difference?

  7. SteveMcCroskey

    [Dr. Ablow] is the author of six bestselling crime novels, all of which feature a forensic psychiatrist who solves mysteries beyond the grasp of other investigators.

    I think the real mystery is going to be what's hidden in Glenn's crawlspace.

  8. mrblifil

    Beck has only daughters. Only sayin'. And nothing says NAMBLA quite so much as a V-neck sweater over starched-collar shirt. That and the rock hard erection while holding a boy in your arms who is a little old to be held in one's arms.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      yeah I pretty much assumed that wasn't his own child but what SANE parent would let this INSANE man grope their little boy, on the cover of his 'book' with some pedophile/ psychiatrist (btw, I wanna see his doctorin' cirtificut, srsly!) looking on menacingly in the background…this is the creepiest fucking thing I've seen in a looong time

  9. Radiotherapy

    From the AFA website:
    “I have noticed a disturbing trend in these books, which few others seem to have recognized. We have feminized right wing pedophiles."

  10. bravo_sierra

    I consider myself to have only an average level of perversion and there is clearly something wrong going on in this photo. What were they thinking?

  11. edgydrifter

    Any list of world wonders that doesn't include the seventeen-chambered habitrail bong my buddy Dave made in college is sadly incomplete.

    Also, Glen Beck is a scary prick who shouldn't be around children ever, which is probably why he had to have his "handler" within arm's reach for this photo shoot.

  12. user-of-owls

    For those of us who were altar boys (yes, in all its ugly truth), this picture plumbs depths of horror that many of you may not know. And for that, I am thankful.

  13. BadassKitty

    Am I the only person who thinks this looked Photoshopped? It would be a little less creepy if I knew that Beck was never actually in the same room as that kid. Please tell me it's shopped.

    1. PsycWench

      Yes, the original receiver of Glenn's embrace and open mouth was Larry Craig. You can tell because all the shadows are wrong. Or something.

    2. Sparky_McGruff

      Unfortunately, I think the photoshop job was to paste the other guy in so it didn't look like Beck was alone with the boy. Oh, and to airbush out the wet spots on Beck's pants.

      1. MelvinOfTheApes

        My thought immediately. Bald guy stone cold PhotoShopped in. Or maybe something other program? PS seems so toucy-feely and liberal, and Gimp is just plain Communist for being free. Is there a Teabaggy photo processing program?

    1. petehammer

      Yar, I'm hunting the mysterious White Child. I've tried to "harpoon" him many-a-time. Queebeck, have you got'im?

  14. elfgoldsackring

    "You're going to have a new home now, Billy. By the way, from now on, your name is Food Insurance."

  15. x111e7thst

    Crying Glenda is obviously planning to join Ken Buck's Colorado Boy Ranching business. This is an astute move on Glenda's part. Prime, grassfed, corn-finished boy will command a premium from the new House Leadership which will be doing plenty of celebrating.

  16. LionelHutzEsq

    You libtards with your "Oh, he is fondling a kid, he must be gay," stuff. If you had ever listen to Beck you would quickly know the truth. He is holding the kid close to look for the "666" on his forehead, indicating that he voted for Obama, is a Socialist, a member of ACORN and Organizing for America, and fully funded by George Soros.

    If he finds the "666", then the only recourse is to use a cross of gold and some freeze dried food on the kid, in the hope of either destroying his corporal existence, or to save his soul.

    It's for his own protection, people!

  17. finallyhappy

    Absolutely, if I didn't see Beck's name, I would think this is a book about gay men and their children. Instead, I think it is probably Beck getting ready to tear out the boy's throat with his teeth while the man who sired Beck(vampire term- get with it!) watches.

    1. Beowoof

      And you know seeing Beck's name made think it was about gay men and their children, hiding in the closet under some coats.

  18. Bluestatelibel

    It really looks like two gay dads…not that I think there's anything wrong with that, but I doubt Beck's followers share my feelings.

  19. lumpenprole

    Ah, a variation on the old Mormon Mind Meld.
    "My madness is your madness. My chalkboard to your chalkboard…"

  20. Worthly Wokette Skum

    7 Wonders:

    Wonder if hot dogs are gay?
    Wonder if chalk dust causes hemorrhoids?
    Wonder what a solid gold toilet seat would feel like?
    Wonder if this kid is a natural brunette?
    Wonder if this kid's dad is suspicious?
    Wonder what Bristol tastes like?
    Wonder if I've hit bottom yet?

  21. Redhead

    Calm down guys. Beck doesn't want to molest that kid. He's picturing a giant mound of cocaine where the kid's head should be.

  22. elpinche

    That kid's lucky to be alive. He's not raped and dead like Beck's other baby miracle. What? Look it up !

  23. Neilist

    Okay, you people have convinced me.

    From now on, it's Commie Pinko Liberal Skum FAGS.

    Third Towel From The Left
    Sutro Baths, S.F.
    "Bend Over, I'll Drive!"

  24. sarjo

    First on left: Head is shape of penis
    Second from left: Nose is reminiscent of droopy penis
    On the right: Hoodie is color of angry, yet sadly wistful, penis

  25. Negropolis

    This book cover smells of childrens' tears, anxiety, and regret. Oh, and bourbon, Vicodin, and gold, shit-loads of unrefined gold. Oh, and Magic Underpants. Also.

  26. chascates

    By the time Beck's finished with that kid he'll be so petrified of life under Obama he'll consider suicide. Which Beck will explain away by saying that Obama is causing it.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, goody! An Obama death cult!

      So, in what part of his term have the Beckites/ians chosen to ride a comet to the sun, and by that I mean attend a cyanide suicide party? Is it when he makes Hillary his vice president?

  27. Mindblank

    If you let your mind wander, you just naturally associate Glenn Beck with poopy diapers. Possibly, there's a psychic link to David Vitter.

  28. HistoriCat

    That was a girl … maybe this boy's older sister? Hmmm – this conspiracy is deeper and more sordid than I thought.

    1. petehammer

      Or, maybe the girl was just a ruse to throw us off the scent? The real conspiracy is much, much darker.

      In fact, when have you ever seen Glenn Beck with a woman? 12 more DRUDGE SIRENS!

  29. StillGoinGreen

    The kid on the cover is Glenn Beck's son, Raphe, so it kinda takes away the creepy for me – until I remember that Glenn Beck is still on the cover.

  30. NorthStarSpanx

    It's discomfiting but pretty tame compared to Putin blowing a raspberry on the belly of a poor little Russian boy.

    At least he didn't usurp Trig.

  31. thefrontpage

    Is this book a collection of horror stories? Because the cover is very scary.

    I hope the kid got paid $2 million for this, because any thing less is a rip-off.

    By the way, just as a reminder, because: Beckola's horrorshow "rally" drew about 87,000 people. Jon Stewart's entertainment show rally (that's meant as a compliment, because it was not political!) drew about 215,000 people.

  32. hagajim

    My 7 wonders:
    I wonder when Glenn Beck will die;
    I wonder when Grover Norquist will die;
    I wonder when Skeletor Cheney will die;
    I wonder when people will realize Reagan destroyed this country;
    I wondered when Robert Novack would die;
    I wonder when Sarah Palin will become irrelevant; and
    I wonder why the hell I spend so much time on Wonkette

  33. sanantonerose

    I'm sure the photog went round and round with the two men discussing which shots wouldn't look ghey. Can you imagine any other positioning that wouldn't look weirder than this one? I hope the photog was paid well.

  34. opiejeanne

    That guy in the background is creepier than Beck holding the kid.

    That phrase: slide into first. I take it you're not a baseball fan.

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