the nightmare ticket

Mike Bloomberg and Joe Scarborough Maybe Going To Unite For 2012 Run

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Yeah, probs.Huffington Post celebrity vag-slip blog intern Howard Fineman has heard some terrorist chatter around New York about a very interesting thing: New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg and MSNBC morning-bro Joe Scarborough running as an independent presidential ticket in 2012. Yes, Joe Scarborough. It doesn’t make much sense to us either. Scarborough denied that any serious discussion has happened, obviously because he doesn’t want to deny such an attractive idea. Bloomberg’s people didn’t respond to Fineman, obviously because it’s mortifying for any man to hear people say he’s thinking about running for president with Joe Scarborough. And that’s not the worst part of this. Some people actually told Fineman that Scarborough could run at the top of the ticket.

“Joe really wants to be the VP candidate if Mike runs,” said a source very close to the mayor. “But whether Mike feels the same way about Joe — that’s not clear.” A pro-life, pro-gun running mate is, well, a pro-life pro-gun running mate, some Bloombergers worry.

“Bloombergers”? Who the hell are these people who think about random fantasy running-mate combinations for their friend all day? A jovial crackhead patrolling the streets in front of City Hall probably told this to Fineman.

No slouch in the confidence department, the talk-show host might regard himself as the more electable, and conclude that the way to advance the independent cause would be to spend the mayor’s money — friends say Bloomberg would be willing to spend $3 to $4 billion — to get a new-age good ol’ boy into the Oval Office.

A “new-age good ol’ boy”? What does that mean? Perhaps Howard Fineman gave that delightful crackhead a quarter and took a few huffs of whatever was in his paper bag. And “$3 to $4 billion”? Does that mean Bloomberg would buy each and every American voter a new car? That’s the only way more than five people would actually vote for this ticket. [HuffPo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I don't know, he seem down right pissy about it when he was asked this morning, but maybe that is just because of Donny Deutsch

  • SnarkoMarx

    I'd much rather see Mika Brzezinski run than Joe. Think of all the great ways 'murkins could misspell her name.

    • uncuntstitutional

      I'd misspell her name all over her face

  • SayItWithWookies

    "New-age good-ol-boy" is one of those combination terms like jazz-rock or infotainment. It means that when you combine these two seemingly disparate elements, you end up with soupy, meaningless nonsense that has none of the attractive qualities of the original parts.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Don't knock it. That keeps John Tesh clothed and fed.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Wow, it's worse than I thought. John Tesh is still alive?!

      • SayItWithWookies

        I had no idea that man was still alive, much less doing anything besides living in a refrigerator box by the freeway.

    • PsycWench

      Compassionate conservatism?

    • grendelg

      "soupy, meaningless nonsense that has none of the attractive qualities of the original parts" is a good way to describe Joe Scarborough, so WELL DONE FINEMAN! WELL DONE INDEED!

      • SorosBot

        It's also a good description of the Huffington Post.

    • Rotundo_

      Makes me think of Larry the Cable Guy going vegan and driving a Suburban with a lift kit and 34 inch off road tires while listening to Enya with crystals and dream catchers hanging in the rear view mirror. Pretty repulsive no?

      • Negropolis

        Speaking of Larry the Cable Guy, anyone ever seen him out of character? It's HILARIOUS.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Can we have a Limpbaugh-Beck ticket too? Can we, can we???

    • CZL

      Blubbery Blubber and the National Election?

  • CapnFatback

    The last time I had a Bloomberger, I had gas and crushing guilt for weeks.

  • Fare la Volpe

    So a steadfastly Republican ex-member of Congress joins forces with one of the richest, most plutocratic bumfuckers in America — what part of this ticket is "Independent" exactly?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Same parts as Walnutz McCain's and Harried Reid's 2010 senate campaigns as an outsiders.

    • SmutBoffin

      BLOOMBERG/MONEY 2012!

      • Fare la Volpe

        If MONEY will pay a visit to my bank account, hell, I'll vote for 'im.

        • kenlayisalive

          Money won't pay a visit to your bank account, but you can be sure that a rezoning for high rise condominiums will visit your neighborhood.

          • SmutBoffin

            I meant blues-y rocker Eddie Money. He won't be coming to yr. bank account, but will be coming to a casino or state fair near you!

          • el_donaldo

            Ah, the amusement park circuit. That's when you know they've got nothing to fall back on.

          • CapnFatback

            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: TWO CANDIDATES FOR PARADISE"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: TAKE THEM TO THE WHITE HOUSE TONIGHT"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: AMERICA HOLD ON"

    • zhubajie

      Would anyone with brains or common sense or anything but mindless ambition run for president anyway?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Apparently, running for office has, for the ridiculously rich, replaced coke as God's way of telling you you have too much money.

  • Lucidamente1

    As long as they make the announcement on Lori Klausutis's birthday, I'm ok with it.

    • PublicLuxury

      The scar is dirty on Lori Klausutis. Lori is going to bury the scar. Bloomberg is not going to waste perfectly good money on a corrupt person named after coffee. He would much rather just build his own White House and run things from NYC.

  • slappypaddy

    bloomberg's such a tease. he's just like palin, except he has brains, capability, and a modicum of integrity (no more than a modicum is necessary in politics and business, and many get by with less).

    • bitchincamaro2

      Similar "I know better than you, nasally whine" though. By 2012, Palin may actually have more monie$, too!

  • SmutBoffin

    Outrageous/stupid rumors like this make for good clickbait on HuffPo, which is a ladies' journal about the diseases of barnyard animals, I think.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Soooo mean to Khloe and Khourtney and Khrakhead.

    • V572625694

      How can you say that when just yesterday they had pictures of Scarlett Johanssen in a bathing suit? Plus: Nora Ephron's epic whining.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I tend not to believe things like this until Glenn Beck has issued a prophesy.

    • SmutBoffin

      "And then I beheld a great King of Israel, and at his side a giant fire-breathing BEAST, whose hair was like SALT and PEPPER and whose co-host was drunk on MIMOSAS."

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I truly wish I had come up with that myself.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    new-age good ol’ boy

    They misspelled beady-eyed shitweasel.

    • kenlayisalive

      ahahhaaaaa. win.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I say they do it just so Joe can throw a hissy fit when someone asks him about his dead intern.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    A “new-age good ol’ boy" is someone who's done coke off a dead intern's ass and is still known as "pro-life." Thought you knew that.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Sure…why not? Why the fuck not?

    • HistoriCat

      Stop stealing my campaign slogan!

      • HELisforHEL

        HistoriCat/Rent Is Too Damn High 2012!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    It's quite important that our repressed plutocrats receive some representation in government, at long last.
    ~

    • Jukesgrrl

      This proves how many drug addicts there are on Wall Street.

    • Rotundo_

      It's the difference between renting and owning representation.

  • PsycWench

    The resultant porn flick would not hold a candle to Nailin Paylin, I fear.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I don't know. The titles are just ripe for the pickings:

      Morning Blow
      Rimberg
      Scarborhole
      Weekend at Lori's

      • PsycWench

        Death of a spielsman.

        Not very porny though.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The same could be said for most movies.

      Not that I've seen it or anything…

  • Katydid

    And short Joos.

    • Serolf_Divad

      And MSNBC hosts.

  • widestanceroman

    Is this crazier than, say, Palin and whatever loon is dumb enough to be seen in public with her (cuz the media has fapped itself raw over that prospect)?

  • Jukesgrrl

    Scarblah's role would be to carry Bloomberg on his shoulders at campaign stops so the crowds of voters could see him.

    • Rotundo_

      Sorta like Master/Blaster in Mad Max, beyond thunderdome. Joe would be perfect for the role…

  • neiltheblaze

    They will totally wipe out John Anderson's vote total!

    • rocktonsam

      John B. Anderson, sir.

  • SorosBot

    I'm sure this is just as serious as Bloomberg's independent run in 2008 that the media loved chattering about.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I had a Bloomberger the other day. Still prefer the McRib, though.

    • V572625694

      Bilbergergers are more complex, satisfying, juicy, vibrant.

  • valgal2342

    But can they beat Bristol?

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      We can always hope. If they do, I hope they put it on YouTube.

    • zhubajie

      After they chain her to the over-head pipe, and arrange the Japanese camera crew, sure. With a whip or a stick? Cat'o'nine tails or scourge?

  • uncuntstitutional

    Scarborough – Bloomberg 2012

    so much forehead we'd have to call it a fivehead

  • OneYieldRegular

    Seriously? These two? POTUS & Vice POTUS?

    If you were to tell me they were trying out as partners on Dancing With The Stars, THEN you'd be talking.

    • HistoriCat

      I would watch that.

  • PublicLuxury

    OMG. If it is true… the jooooooooz would rule the world. (run screaming into the night). I think the joooooo mormon ticket is catchy-er. Bloomberg/Beck. BB's — they may leave a welt but they don't kill anybody.

  • SorosBot

    The thing is, there's no reason for Bloomberg to run, which historical third party presidential candidates, particularly those who actually got significant votes, have had, some issue that neither major party was addressing. Nader ran because he thought both parties were too controlled by corporate interests; Perot, because both supported free trade, and also beaming out alien mind-control waves; John Anderson to protest the takeover of the Republicans by far-right segregationist thugs (that didn't work out too well), and both Wallace and Thurmond because neither party promised to bring back slavery. Bloomberg's got no issue to run for.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He'll be running to correct the horrible national policy oversight of Michael Bloomberg not being president.

    • Fare la Volpe

      What? "Big Mikey Wants His" isn't an important issue to the American people?

      • SorosBot

        That's worked for Senate elections (see Lieberman and Murkowski), but not for President.

    • zhubajie

      Balance the budget? Pull the troops out of Afghanistan before it's too late? Out of Iraq, too?

  • catchtheflava

    Bloomberg is a thinly disguised autocrat who doesn't care about the middle class, working people, or the poor. He'll make the buses and trains run on time, but everything else is captive to the moneyed interests that he is a part of. Independent, my eye.

    • DashboardBuddha

      you know who else made the trains run on time, dontcha?

  • V572625694

    The way they loved 9udy!

  • hagajim

    Is a Bloomburger something like a Whopper? Or maybe its just when you carry a burger in your bloomers…I guess that could be a Whopper too.

    • DashboardBuddha

      It takes two hands to handle a Whopper.

      Damn…I haven't had a Whopper in ages. Now I'm hungry.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Just grab it with both hands and jam in in your mouth. Still hungry?

        • DashboardBuddha

          I prefer to chew slowly.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I think it's the Mc Gangbang: two double cheese & a Mc Chicken. Remove the toppermost bun from one of the doubles, & the lowermost from the other, then place the Mc Chicken (buns & all) in between. Five patties, four buns, mayonnaise… Heavenly.

    • zhubajie

      Something between a Bialystok and a Berliner, probably.

  • SmutBoffin

    Eh, he has a media empire. He can make up any issue he wants. Shit, he could run on a platform to keep Four LOKO legal.

    • HistoriCat

      Media empire worked for Silvio Berlusconi.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Huffpo just plain stone cold makin stuff up again. Did they actually ask Bloomberg or Scarborough?
    Also, you wanna know a sure fire, guaranteed way to not get your comment printed at Hufflepuff? Mention Lori Klausitis. (spelling?) Seriously, I was even coy about it, I said it's a proper name and the initials are L.K., and boom, down the ol' memory hole with the guru k's comment.
    I suspect Arianna and morning Joe got a thing goin on.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I hope that thing is a stomach flu, because otherwise ewwwww.

      • jim89048

        She either needs to learn English, or get a jerb in tech support. I can't understand a thing that comes out of her mouth.

    • zhubajie

      I thought it was usually older Greek men and younger women, not older Greek women and younger men….

  • axmxz

    The country is not ready for an ultra-rich white President.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is surely a recipe for… GRIDLOCK!

  • Office_39

    New Yorkers? Forgetaboutit.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Face the fact, America is going to take the Lemming walk with Sarah Palin in 2012. I can feel it coming.

    The stupid b*tch is going to wink her way into power, you betcha. The average American is going to be all "oh well, Obama didn't work out too well, why not give that Palin gal a chance, she seems like a real smart cookie…"

    • HELisforHEL

      Good gawd you may be right. But I sure as hell hope you aren't.

  • Acrewood

    For more news and commentary, check out The Bond Project at http://www.thebondproject.blogspot.com

  • Fare la Volpe

    Every time I watch that show, Myka looks positively miserable. She got into the biz to be a legitimate journalist, and instead she's playing second banana to a big-headed blowhard, because apparently sheer journalistic integrity stands as a "liberal" counterpoint now.

    • jim89048

      That said, I'd hit that. Oh, and poop also.

  • Limeylizzie

    Jewborough 2012.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Let's raise a toast to Brooklyn. L'Chaim!

  • EdFlintstone

    Did Huff Post take a few hour break from their Obama sucks headlines? C'mon Arianna admit it , you want your 300,000 tax break.

  • GOPCrusher

    It worked well for Pat Buchanan.

  • Beetagger

    I'm voting for the dead intern.

    • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

      I think that's why Bloomy let Joe have the top of the ticket. Scarborough has rage issues.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Morning Jew

  • BornInATrailer

    Have they learned nothing? This running against FetusBush/Trig will just split the vote.

  • MLite

    Quick, someone tell Bloomberg that he's planning to run for President, apparently he hasn't gotten the message.

  • mereoblivion

    "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme," anyone? (Or is that unFair?)

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Are you voting for Scarborough Joe?
      Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
      Remember he's a hack with a show.
      And the Jew is no Prez of mine.

  • chascates

    SHIT! Bloomberg running could lead to a Palin presidency according to: http://nymag.com/news/politics/69130/

    "Why do you think Barack Obama is being so nice to Michael Bloomberg? "

  • zhubajie

    "A “new-age good ol’ boy”? What does that mean?"

    He speaks in tongues while handling pure-bred rattlesnakes, then has Wild Turkey instead of moonshine in the bushes with the sisters after church.

  • ttommyunger

    The only difference between Bloomy and Scarry, one of them is a midget and the other one can afford to have someone else kill his interns for him.

  • zhubajie

    I gave up on TV sometime in the mid-70's. That's why I'm the man I am today!

  • zhubajie

    Works for Berlusconi!

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Neocon Scarborough & his yes girl Mika
    third party will not be hijacked this time