the nightmare ticket

Mike Bloomberg and Joe Scarborough Maybe Going To Unite For 2012 Run

Yeah, probs.Huffington Post celebrity vag-slip blog intern Howard Fineman has heard some terrorist chatter around New York about a very interesting thing: New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg and MSNBC morning-bro Joe Scarborough running as an independent presidential ticket in 2012. Yes, Joe Scarborough. It doesn’t make much sense to us either. Scarborough denied that any serious discussion has happened, obviously because he doesn’t want to deny such an attractive idea. Bloomberg’s people didn’t respond to Fineman, obviously because it’s mortifying for any man to hear people say he’s thinking about running for president with Joe Scarborough. And that’s not the worst part of this. Some people actually told Fineman that Scarborough could run at the top of the ticket.

“Joe really wants to be the VP candidate if Mike runs,” said a source very close to the mayor. “But whether Mike feels the same way about Joe — that’s not clear.” A pro-life, pro-gun running mate is, well, a pro-life pro-gun running mate, some Bloombergers worry.

“Bloombergers”? Who the hell are these people who think about random fantasy running-mate combinations for their friend all day? A jovial crackhead patrolling the streets in front of City Hall probably told this to Fineman.

No slouch in the confidence department, the talk-show host might regard himself as the more electable, and conclude that the way to advance the independent cause would be to spend the mayor’s money — friends say Bloomberg would be willing to spend $3 to $4 billion — to get a new-age good ol’ boy into the Oval Office.

A “new-age good ol’ boy”? What does that mean? Perhaps Howard Fineman gave that delightful crackhead a quarter and took a few huffs of whatever was in his paper bag. And “$3 to $4 billion”? Does that mean Bloomberg would buy each and every American voter a new car? That’s the only way more than five people would actually vote for this ticket. [HuffPo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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111 comments

  1. SnarkoMarx

    I'd much rather see Mika Brzezinski run than Joe. Think of all the great ways 'murkins could misspell her name.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    "New-age good-ol-boy" is one of those combination terms like jazz-rock or infotainment. It means that when you combine these two seemingly disparate elements, you end up with soupy, meaningless nonsense that has none of the attractive qualities of the original parts.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I had no idea that man was still alive, much less doing anything besides living in a refrigerator box by the freeway.

    1. grendelg

      "soupy, meaningless nonsense that has none of the attractive qualities of the original parts" is a good way to describe Joe Scarborough, so WELL DONE FINEMAN! WELL DONE INDEED!

    2. Rotundo_

      Makes me think of Larry the Cable Guy going vegan and driving a Suburban with a lift kit and 34 inch off road tires while listening to Enya with crystals and dream catchers hanging in the rear view mirror. Pretty repulsive no?

  3. Fare la Volpe

    So a steadfastly Republican ex-member of Congress joins forces with one of the richest, most plutocratic bumfuckers in America — what part of this ticket is "Independent" exactly?

        1. kenlayisalive

          Money won't pay a visit to your bank account, but you can be sure that a rezoning for high rise condominiums will visit your neighborhood.

          1. SmutBoffin

            I meant blues-y rocker Eddie Money. He won't be coming to yr. bank account, but will be coming to a casino or state fair near you!

          2. CapnFatback

            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: TWO CANDIDATES FOR PARADISE"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: TAKE THEM TO THE WHITE HOUSE TONIGHT"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE"
            "BLOOMBERG/MONEY: AMERICA HOLD ON"

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Apparently, running for office has, for the ridiculously rich, replaced coke as God's way of telling you you have too much money.

    1. PublicLuxury

      The scar is dirty on Lori Klausutis. Lori is going to bury the scar. Bloomberg is not going to waste perfectly good money on a corrupt person named after coffee. He would much rather just build his own White House and run things from NYC.

  4. slappypaddy

    bloomberg's such a tease. he's just like palin, except he has brains, capability, and a modicum of integrity (no more than a modicum is necessary in politics and business, and many get by with less).

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Similar "I know better than you, nasally whine" though. By 2012, Palin may actually have more monie$, too!

  5. SmutBoffin

    Outrageous/stupid rumors like this make for good clickbait on HuffPo, which is a ladies' journal about the diseases of barnyard animals, I think.

    1. V572625694

      How can you say that when just yesterday they had pictures of Scarlett Johanssen in a bathing suit? Plus: Nora Ephron's epic whining.

    1. SmutBoffin

      "And then I beheld a great King of Israel, and at his side a giant fire-breathing BEAST, whose hair was like SALT and PEPPER and whose co-host was drunk on MIMOSAS."

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I don't know. The titles are just ripe for the pickings:

      Morning Blow
      Rimberg
      Scarborhole
      Weekend at Lori's

  6. widestanceroman

    Is this crazier than, say, Palin and whatever loon is dumb enough to be seen in public with her (cuz the media has fapped itself raw over that prospect)?

  7. Jukesgrrl

    Scarblah's role would be to carry Bloomberg on his shoulders at campaign stops so the crowds of voters could see him.

  8. SorosBot

    I'm sure this is just as serious as Bloomberg's independent run in 2008 that the media loved chattering about.

    1. zhubajie

      After they chain her to the over-head pipe, and arrange the Japanese camera crew, sure. With a whip or a stick? Cat'o'nine tails or scourge?

  9. OneYieldRegular

    Seriously? These two? POTUS & Vice POTUS?

    If you were to tell me they were trying out as partners on Dancing With The Stars, THEN you'd be talking.

  10. PublicLuxury

    OMG. If it is true… the jooooooooz would rule the world. (run screaming into the night). I think the joooooo mormon ticket is catchy-er. Bloomberg/Beck. BB's — they may leave a welt but they don't kill anybody.

  11. SorosBot

    The thing is, there's no reason for Bloomberg to run, which historical third party presidential candidates, particularly those who actually got significant votes, have had, some issue that neither major party was addressing. Nader ran because he thought both parties were too controlled by corporate interests; Perot, because both supported free trade, and also beaming out alien mind-control waves; John Anderson to protest the takeover of the Republicans by far-right segregationist thugs (that didn't work out too well), and both Wallace and Thurmond because neither party promised to bring back slavery. Bloomberg's got no issue to run for.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      He'll be running to correct the horrible national policy oversight of Michael Bloomberg not being president.

  12. catchtheflava

    Bloomberg is a thinly disguised autocrat who doesn't care about the middle class, working people, or the poor. He'll make the buses and trains run on time, but everything else is captive to the moneyed interests that he is a part of. Independent, my eye.

  13. hagajim

    Is a Bloomburger something like a Whopper? Or maybe its just when you carry a burger in your bloomers…I guess that could be a Whopper too.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      It takes two hands to handle a Whopper.

      Damn…I haven't had a Whopper in ages. Now I'm hungry.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I think it's the Mc Gangbang: two double cheese & a Mc Chicken. Remove the toppermost bun from one of the doubles, & the lowermost from the other, then place the Mc Chicken (buns & all) in between. Five patties, four buns, mayonnaise… Heavenly.

  14. SmutBoffin

    Eh, he has a media empire. He can make up any issue he wants. Shit, he could run on a platform to keep Four LOKO legal.

  15. gurukalehuru

    Huffpo just plain stone cold makin stuff up again. Did they actually ask Bloomberg or Scarborough?
    Also, you wanna know a sure fire, guaranteed way to not get your comment printed at Hufflepuff? Mention Lori Klausitis. (spelling?) Seriously, I was even coy about it, I said it's a proper name and the initials are L.K., and boom, down the ol' memory hole with the guru k's comment.
    I suspect Arianna and morning Joe got a thing goin on.

      1. jim89048

        She either needs to learn English, or get a jerb in tech support. I can't understand a thing that comes out of her mouth.

    1. zhubajie

      I thought it was usually older Greek men and younger women, not older Greek women and younger men….

  16. johnnyzhivago

    Face the fact, America is going to take the Lemming walk with Sarah Palin in 2012. I can feel it coming.

    The stupid b*tch is going to wink her way into power, you betcha. The average American is going to be all "oh well, Obama didn't work out too well, why not give that Palin gal a chance, she seems like a real smart cookie…"

  17. Fare la Volpe

    Every time I watch that show, Myka looks positively miserable. She got into the biz to be a legitimate journalist, and instead she's playing second banana to a big-headed blowhard, because apparently sheer journalistic integrity stands as a "liberal" counterpoint now.

  18. EdFlintstone

    Did Huff Post take a few hour break from their Obama sucks headlines? C'mon Arianna admit it , you want your 300,000 tax break.

  19. MLite

    Quick, someone tell Bloomberg that he's planning to run for President, apparently he hasn't gotten the message.

    1. Worthly Wokette Skum

      Are you voting for Scarborough Joe?
      Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
      Remember he's a hack with a show.
      And the Jew is no Prez of mine.

  20. zhubajie

    "A “new-age good ol’ boy”? What does that mean?"

    He speaks in tongues while handling pure-bred rattlesnakes, then has Wild Turkey instead of moonshine in the bushes with the sisters after church.

  21. ttommyunger

    The only difference between Bloomy and Scarry, one of them is a midget and the other one can afford to have someone else kill his interns for him.

Comments are closed.