in with the old

Earth-Shattering Midterm Elections Result In Same Congress Leadership

Any excuse.The new Senate leadership has been voted on, and because November 2 was such a huge election in which the nation unequivocally told the government EVERYTHING IS WRONG AND MUST CHANGE, ALL THANKS TO THAT MR. HOPE GUY, the exact same leadership has been re-elected on both sides. Yes, that evil socialist Harry Reid has lost his job to Senate newcomer Harry Reid, and the Teabaggers overthrew Mitch McConnell in favor of rising conservative hero Mitch McConnell. Coupling this with the expectation that Nancy Pelosi’s team and John Boehner’s people will all get to keep their respective party roles, more or less, it’s an astonishing reminder of just how much things changed in these fateful reindeer-dildo midterm elections.

Harry Reid of Nevada will continue as majority leader, with Dick Durbin of Illinois continung on as the number two, in the whip position. Daniel Inouye, who is from Hawaii, continues president pro tempore, and Charles E. Schumer of New York, vice chair of the conference, a postion he prevoiusly held, will now take the additional title of chair of the Democratic Policy Committee.

Yeah, that’s right! America showed them! The Teabaggers went to the polls a couple of weeks back, broke a lot of voting booths because they were VOTING SO HARD, and the entire Kenyan leadership of the Democratic Party immediately died from natural causes related to socialism.

A few moments later, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky, announced that he had been re-elected, as had Jon Kyl, the Republican whip from Arizona. The Republican conference chair will remain Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee and John Thune of South Dakota was re-elected chairman of the Senate Republican Policy Committee. The National Republican Senatorial Committee will continue to be led by John Cornyn of Texas. Sen. John Barrasso of Wyoming stays on as conference vice chairman.

YOUUUUUUUNG GUNS! PEW PEW PEW PEW! RAND PAUL WIN. This is what Mitch McConnell and his extremely moderate cronies get for not being members of the Tea Party and thus failing to win control of the Senate. God, what LOSERS those guys are. Have fun in the political wilderness while Sharron Angle controls the Senate with her Senate Speaker gavel! Haha, YES. WHAT AN IMPORTANT ELECTION. [NYT]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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117 comments

          1. Troubledog

            Yes, I was being intentionally occlusive. That's what we do in the Illuminati. But business has been slow since the election.

        1. BarryOPotter

          Wait just a minute! So Geddy Lee is the one creating these French proverbs all this time?!? I knew it! He's Quebecois! I bet he's also the one who came up with "Tais-toi et sois belle" and "L'union fait la force, l'onion fait la soupe."

      1. Radiotherapy

        Or douchebag anesthesiologist to whiny frosh congressman.
        I can just see Boner telling that dick, "get me another martini, boy." And he responds, "it's Doctor Boy to you."

    1. SystemError

      Congrats on this Historic Event. Let it be known, the first time I ever thumbed down a comment on Wonkette was because someone posted Rush lyrics.

        1. trampndirtdown

          Sorry no shout out I hate him with a burning heat that will not go away. I can still be snarky about his fat brother Jeb though.

  1. horsedreamer_1

    No. Agents of the Yakuza.

    All this time, we thought Obama was a Manchurian Candidate, when, really, he's just been following the lead of the real-life man who played in that movie.

    (But I still love Frank. & he wasn't mobbed up, not really.)

  2. SayItWithWookies

    I am proud to announce that I also have been re-elected to my previous post as Poor Disgruntled Motherfucker. Thank you all, it's an honor.

  3. Not_So_Much

    You would think the very least they could do is take Harry out behind the barn and end that ineffectual mess. Make Al Franken Minority Leader so at least we can haz laffs, while taking it up the dirt pipe from Cecil the Turtle.

      1. Not_So_Much

        I know, but it's no thanks to Mumblin' Harry and I assumed they were going to continue to behave as if they had a vast minority.

  4. OneYieldRegular

    You think these so-called "leadership" positions have any significance in the Teabagger world? Haven't you learned that the only thing that matters is shouting more loudly than anyone else?

    1. trampndirtdown

      Yeah every congressperson gets one vote and they are all equal. Oh it doesn't really work that way… I'll shut up… I mean scream louder now.

  5. weejee

    OMFG, OT, blue lights, Charlie the Rangeler has been found guilty of violating House ethics and bringing dishonor to the House (how does you do wah ditty do that?). Will he be hanged, drawn, and quartered? Will he be allowed to hang around and draw for quarters. What, oh what, will be his horrific fate?

  6. Lucidamente1

    Laugh all you want, but Joe Miller is gonna show up with his, uh, security people, and SUE THE PANTS OFF ALL OF YOU.

    1. obiwanacracker

      Saw a clip of Skeletor at the ground breaking of Shrub's Presidential Library. Not looking good-what's the over/under on him seeing the new year?

  7. Beowoof

    And what happened to the nose dildo blower, I was hoping she would win. That skill would have really helped her sway republican votes at this crucial point in American history.

  8. OneDollarJuana

    Of course there's change happening! We know where it is! It's in the area around Washington and east, west, south and north somewhat.

  9. SorosBot

    President pro tempore is a largely ceremonial role, very luckily, because it traditionally goes to the member of the majority party with the most seniority, therefore it's normally a comically senile and near-dead old man.

    I've been reading Rick Pearlstein's Nixonland, and he mentions Sen. Inouye a few times in context of the 1968 election. Dude is seriously ancient.

    1. V572625694

      Dubya-Dubya-Two vet, a real hero in his time in the 442d, the unit of Japanese-Americans that fought in Europe, many of whose families were in "internment" camps. Now an ancient and reliable procurer of military pork for Hawaii, which is about to sink under the weight thereof. Flew back with him once, a real gentleman, no handlers to clear his path, even though he has a partially-unusable arm.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          I remember him from the teevee appearances he made during the Watergate hearings. But I can't remember the name of the southerner who made the term Subpoena Duces Tecum famous.

  10. ttommyunger

    There will be Change. In your pocket. No bills, just Change. Small change, Nickels and Dimes. No Quarters for the average citizen. Quarters for House Members only, to feed the new Tanning Beds soon to be installed in the Cloakroom, compliments of "Boehner Beds, Inc." an Ohio start-up with deep, orange pockets.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Now it's time to get down to brass tacks and strip out the "tanning tax" provision out of Health Care Reform.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      It's funny that Barack has to sneak SPAM behind Michelle's back.

      Why does FLOTUS hate the Tropics?

  11. bitchincamaro2

    “The American people elected us to get along,” Mr. Reid said in brief, nearly inaudible remarks off the Senate floor, adding: “It’s not the Democratic way or the highway. "

    The man is a caricature of himself. A fucking cartoon. We are doomed.

    1. chickensmack

      You can't hate on him. He barely beat a crazy for his seat. We should be thanking the Good Lord he has his position of power.

    2. HistoriCat

      Please tell me that you're joking – he did not actually say “The American people elected us to get along". Not even Harry Reid could be so obtuse.

      Edit – OK fine, I went to RTFA. He really did say that. No wonder Democrats can't get everything done – they keep trying to get the cool kids to like them.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    So did Lindsey Graham get elected Miss Congeniality again, or did Mama Grizzly get the sympathy vote nod?

    1. Ducksworthy

      Oh I thought you said Miss Congealiality. I see what you did. Because his mom named him after her sister. Right?

  13. Troubledog

    When I call your name, please say 'here', and we'll assume the word 'here' to be short for 'here I am, rock you like a hurricane'.

    – Senator Ignignokt (R-Moon)

  14. PsycWench

    Sharon Angle does have a little toy senate made up of American Girl dolls and does she ever give them hell. Luckily they rarely need health care, just glue.

    1. CapnFatback

      Yet Angle is getting grumpy with her play senate, citing a lack of Latino-looking dolls and a twofold of those of Asian ethnicity.

  15. xsluggo

    Come senators, congressmen,
    Please heed the call,
    Don’t stand in the doorway,
    Don’t block up the hall,
    something, something, something

    1. charlesdegoal

      And conversely we fall into the anthropomorphic fallacy trap of thinking that they have the ability to reason.

  16. neiltheblaze

    Did the reindeer dildo candidate win or lose? I never did hear about that. I'm wondering if the voting public in whatever district she was running in used this race as, not so much a litmus, but as a Rorschach test.

  17. SmutBoffin

    I miss the Old Days, when politicians would come together, extend their hands across the aisle, and treat each other with respect right before they voted to invade some Muslin country and kill the people there.

  18. natoslug

    Hooray for two more years of quagmire! If I weren't so fucking lazy, I'd see what it takes to emigrate to Sweden. I was promised socialism, not more Rich Whitey, goddammit!

  19. MinAgain

    I don't know who's going to end up more disappointed in that picture…the guy wearing the dildo, or the girl sucking on it.

  20. hagajim

    So apparently Eric Cantor and his young guns came to the OK Corral without any ammo? Oh well at least we have two more years of the Dems pussying out every chance they get. Problem is with the newly installed GOP those chances will be few and far between…so they better puss out as much as possible for the next 7 weeks so the Merikan public can really see what whimps they are. Also

  21. lotusflwr

    But God promised Rep. Shimkus that after the flood he'd never destroy the Earth again, and I'm pretty sure that includes shattering as well as global warming!

  22. Ducksworthy

    I am sorry to hear about Krystal Ball. She would have been fun to watch. Especially when she kicked the Orange Boner in the balls for coming on to her.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I can think of few things more disgusting than have Boner come on to me. He looks like the worst lounge lizard on the planet–I always wonder where the open collar and fake, oversized gold chain is.

      Whatever the douchebag trade group paid that lobbyist to have an affair with this creep, it wasn't nearly enough.

  23. HedonismBot

    Reid? Again? Seriously?!?!?!?! No F'ing way.
    Really, how bad does that guy have to be at his job before they promote somebody with actual balls (or, if you prefer, ovaries)?

  24. yourong1

    Google in the input: = clshoe.us = you can find many brand names, even more surprising is that he will sell you the unexpected

  25. obiwanacracker

    It seems like it was just Halloween. I hate to see the reindeer nose dildos out before Thanksgiving. It just rushes the season.

  26. ShaveTheWhales

    I am truly sorry that Krystal Ball did not win her race.

    You know, I was gonna try "foresee the outcome" and shit like that, but she actually sounded like a pretty regular sort of person. So I really am sorry she lost.

    And she must really love her parents, whatever my opinion of them is.

Comments are closed.