PERSONAL ASSISTANTS  12:24 pm November 16, 2010

Expert President Man Newt Gingrich Tells Obama To Take Rest of Year Off

by Jack Stuef

Hey, there’s Newt Gingrich on CBN, the news channel that God watches. (Well, they don’t have a Nielsen box up there, but everyone is pretty sure He watches their shows, at least during Fox News commercial breaks.) And so this “servant-reporter” asked famed U.S. president and presidential advisor Newt Gingrich for his advice on what Obama should do this year. Gingrich’s response? Do nothing at all! Stop being president for a couple months and go bury yourself in a hole or whatever. Play laser tag all day if you want. Whatever you have to do to pretend the country doesn’t have any pressing problems for a while and to act like Ronald Reagan.

Shouldn’t presidents always take time to reflect on what they are doing? Bush didn’t, certainly. And Gingrich didn’t when he had an actual job, so that’s why he was having an affair whilst telling the president it was illegal to have affairs. Reflection can obviously only be done every decade or so if you’re not Reagan, and then you can resume going full-speed-ahead with every dumb idea as it pops into your head.

Except, of course:

Of course, each of those presidents drew some media scrutiny for the amount of time they spent outside of Washington, and Obama has received similar criticism. Republicans mock the president, for instance, for golfing with some regularity on the weekends (when the weather permits).

Aha! We see what you did there, Gingrich. Just setting up the president for more evil golf time, for which you can criticize him. [The Hill]

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nounverb911 November 16, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Newt isn't used to a President that actually works for a living.

comrad_darkness November 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

If Obama did absolutely nothing but throw banker ass in jail, I'd call it time well spent.

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Or hosting war crimes trials for Bush, Feith, Wolfie, Rummie, etc.

x111e7thst November 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

If Obama did absolutely nothing but piss on Newt's shoes and occasionally backhand him across the face..

lulzmonger November 17, 2010 at 4:47 am

If Obama did absolutely nothing but falcon-punch Boehner over & over again …

Katydid November 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

The STDs, they have eated his brainz.

Beowoof November 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

They didn't get much of a meal.

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Oh, I dunno. He has a lot of fat in the head.

Maman November 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Didn't Newt become a Catholic after his multiple divorces to seal the deal with his current temporary wifey-poo? Since when do the peeps at CBN consider the Catholics Christians?

Katydid November 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Since we "elected" a Muslim.

weejee November 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

So the Newter is the new Papist Guy Fawkes? Perhaps he is having a confused and is going to blow-up Westminster the Capitol after the 112th takes their oaf of orifice.

OneDollarJuana November 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

CBN, huh? I kinda figgered Newtie was an atheist at heart. Oh, I forgot about the rampant hypocrisy, my bad.

SnarkoMarx November 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Newt looks more and more like a condom filled almost to the breaking point with vanilla pudding every time I see him.

DahBoner November 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

That ain't vanilla pudding.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:34 pm


ManchuCandidate November 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

This means that he ate all the peanut butter cups in the world and that there's not a Twitter wargame (for guys too lazy to throw dice or put on a fake SS or Confederate uni) going on.

DaSandman November 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Newt needs a breather from attacking Barry for awhile to divorce his latest wife, even though this one is cancer free.

the silicone is starting to migrate

imissopus November 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

I agree. Obama should go spend a month clearing brush on his ranch and see how well that goes over.

Maman November 16, 2010 at 12:37 pm

I forget… what is it we ranch in Chicago?

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm


imissopus November 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Stuffed crust pizza? Snow?

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Deep dish: circle of death.

comrad_darkness November 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Wind? Bitter, humid wind?

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 4:21 pm


horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Work the fields? Pshaw! Everybody knows that Half-breed is a total House…

Buzz Feedback November 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Spending a year at the ranch doesn't count if you can't remember the other seven.

SayItWithWookies November 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Great advice Newt — because there's no better way to win the American people over than to take a huge chunk of time off from dealing with all the shit in the world that your friends have stirred up and be reflective for a while. You remember how we like someone who's quick-thinking and decisive? Well really what that means is we want a navel-gazing philosopher-king. Really. It's no wonder you left the House in disgrace. Nor any wonder that you don't seem to remember that.

edgydrifter November 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Being useful is beneath the dignity of the office. How can the common man relate to anyone who doesn't spend his days eating corndogs and watching ESPN on the sectional?

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

True. But in fairness, Michelle won't let him go to the raves anymore. And she has the Secret Service with her on that one.

donner_froh November 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Pillsbury Dough Boy in a suit.

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

CBN = Canadian Broadcasting Network? Oh, "Christian." And I had a nice rant prepared about how Canuckistanis should stay out of our politics, since we certainly don't pay any attention to theirs. However, it fits for the Xtians as well. Get out and stay of our body bags, please, Zombie Jeebus worshippers!

harry_palmer November 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Newt is sincerely trying to help – he remembers how bringing the government to a grinding halt made him so very popular back in the day.

Native_of_SL_UT November 16, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Remember how he spent his time reflecting on the losses he helped bring about during the lame duck sessions of 1998. He spent some time soul searching by impeaching the President.

Gopherit November 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I love CBN. Started by a bigoted, war-mongering, narcissistic neo-Xtian, and panders to the very worst in the human psyche to help soulless, racist bastards like Gingrich lie and pontificate in the name of Jesus. When the rapture comes, and I hope it does, let these assholes get harvested first.

comrad_darkness November 16, 2010 at 12:50 pm

And soon. What the hell is taking so long for that damn rapture anyway? The rest of us would like to get on with a civilized society and cleaning house sure would help.

mumbly_joe November 16, 2010 at 2:10 pm

My personal theory: it already happened and took maybe five or six people, and these fartsacks are actually the people who got left behind for being fartsacks.

Either that, or this is some fictional ghost-story-fanfiction that's only very, very loosely based on that other book of ancient ghost stories that actually had a couple of good ideas in there otherwise. One of the two, basically.

Beowoof November 16, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Has anyone checked to see if they have an imporved schedule over at

HELisforHEL November 16, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Please giant God-Vacuum, turn on the big suck machine and take your stupids away. We'll be just fine without them, we promise.

Native_of_SL_UT November 16, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Bad news, pal. The rapture has already occurred, but since Steve Guttenberg was the only person ruptured, nobody noticed.

lulzmonger November 17, 2010 at 4:58 am

Dirty Secret 1: Teh Rapture is a scam invented in the 1800s.

Dirty Secret 2: Bible sez there's only room for 144,000 in Heaven = a LOT of intensely confused/pissed-off Jeebus Freaks on Judgement Day, AKA Point-&-Laugh Day.

CapeClod November 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

If I had Newt Gingrich as my life coach I would end my life.

bitchincamaro2 November 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

If I had him as a history professor in college, I would have dropped out.

CapeClod November 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm

His alternate histories suck, too. See '1945.'

ManchuCandidate November 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

If I had gotten military advice from Newt, I would have invaded Iraq.

bitchincamaro2 November 16, 2010 at 2:02 pm

If I had gotten religious advice from Newt, I would have converted to Catholicism, then promptly violated all of the 10 commandments.

BarryOPotter November 16, 2010 at 2:52 pm

…then promptly violated all of the 10 commandments.

He has. Repeatedly and with great fervor.

LionelHutzEsq November 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Well, Newt being a good ol' Southern Boy knows it is best for colors if they are seen and not heard. Heck, been seen is even pushing it a bit.

freakishlywrong November 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Inexpert Goblin man should take his own advice. Just change "year" to "decade".

Boredw/Gravity November 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I'd just like to say Shut Up, Noot. You need to remember that you are a disgraced politician and a failure of a human being, and NO ONE wants to hear what you have to say. Ever. Also.

Beowoof November 16, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Yet even as a failed politican he is still getting lots of the sweet Glenn Beck fan ass. Okay, so he has to dump out of the Jazzy Scooter first, small price to pay for lard ass.

metamarcisf November 16, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Gingrich, who always sounds like he has inhaled a tank of helium, praises Reagan for spending one eighth of his two terms on his California ranch, slopping the hogs and whatnot. Interesting sidenote: it turns out that all CBN reporters and anchors are contractually obligated to say a prayer every time right before they go on the air.

DahBoner November 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm

It's just like those Navajo code talkers in WW2.

Except now it's the GOP Shit Talkers.

chickensmack November 16, 2010 at 12:58 pm

"Gingrich" is Esperanto for "Gang Rape".

DahBoner November 16, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Newt just revealed the GOP Past/Present/Future plan for gum'mint: TALK SHIT AND DO NOTHING .

donner_froh November 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Act like Ronald Reagan–get Alzheimer's, confuse old movies with reality, let your wife's astrologer make the tough decisions.

Just doesn't sound like Obama somehow.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Also support brutal dictators and their death squads because they're anti-communist, sell weapons to avowed enemies to illegally fund rebels, make up coded stories about "welfare queens" in Cadillacs to get the racists' support and attack important government programs, and begin press conferences with "jokes" about ordering nuclear strikes that would begin the end of human civilization.

HELisforHEL November 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Thank you. I was just about to list the same items that to this day make my head want to explode when I think of them.

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Slow down, gosh golly. Take a break, Mr. President. Then we can refer to you as a 'lazy n*****r' in our racist emails we forward to each other.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 1:10 pm

As always, Newt's advice to a President he opposes must be totally heartfelt and not in any way offered in bad faith, because he is certainly not a hypocritical amoral shitbag.

CapeClod November 16, 2010 at 1:40 pm

I think Newtie should take the rest of the year off from breathing

Gleem_McShineys November 16, 2010 at 8:42 pm


Jebus Teevee Concern Troll is trolling with concern. Also known as 'hypocritial amoral shitbagginating.'

neiltheblaze November 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

That's terrific advice, coming as it does from a failed Rep who had to resign because his fellow Republicans were poised to jump on his bones en masse and rip his pudgy body apart with their bare hands and bared fangs.

I forget – why is it people think Newt Gingrich is relevant and worth talking to again?

Not_So_Much November 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Because a constant diet of corn syrup and Survivor has made our electorate as forgetful and addled as the Gipper was in his second, glorious term.

I'd like Newt to take the Alan Grayson plan: Die, and quickly. What a leaking bag of diarrhea he is…

Allmighty_Manos November 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Allright, let's make a deal. Obama takes a year off from being president, and Newt takes the next 50 years off from being an obnoxious attention whore.

Radiotherapy November 16, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Do you know it cost Reagan and his entourage $200,000,000 for every day he spent at Rancho de Cielo? Did you know that Newt, you feckless amphibian.

PsycWench November 16, 2010 at 1:21 pm

This is a case of "Do as I say AND as I do".

EatsBabyDingos November 16, 2010 at 1:22 pm

If Newt lost 150 pounds, he'd look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. As it is now, he's more of an albino Jabba the Hutt.

PublicLuxury November 16, 2010 at 1:24 pm

I am thinking up all the new recipes made solely of newt for that cookbook I've meaning to write.
Newt Loaf
Newt and Cheese
Newt wraps
Newt Marsala
Newt and Beans
Newt and Barley soup
Warm Newt on Toast

They will be family favorites. The go to book on culinary delights.

bitchincamaro2 November 16, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Eye of Newt.

jodyleek November 16, 2010 at 2:44 pm

What about egg and Newt;
egg bacon and Newt;
egg bacon sausage and Newt;
Newt bacon sausage and Newt;
Newt egg Newt Newt bacon and Newt;
Newt sausage Newt Newt bacon Newt tomato and Newt…

indecencycmdr November 16, 2010 at 4:45 pm

for some reason "Newt marsala" is the funniest. "Warm Newt on Toast" is the most disgusting, visually. well, really, in all ways.

Sheesko November 16, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Notice the books in the background. Funny how one of them isn't subtitled, "How to divorce your cancer-ridden wife right there in the hospital when she can't mount much of a protest and then dump the next one also."

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Wow, when did The Hill comment board become an outpost for RedStaters who need their diapers changed?

freakishlywrong November 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Not a bad idea.
However, America would be better off if Obama took a permanent vacation.

I think ole "ROWDY BOOTS" there needs to be investigated ASAP. That sounds like an offer to a hitman.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 1:57 pm

It's not just the Hill; any somewhat mainstream paper or magazine with comments gets mostly angry ignorant and/or lying right-wingers spreading disinformation. My guess is it's because they're mostly olds and therefore retired and can just pound away on multiple sites all day.

charlesdegoal November 16, 2010 at 1:31 pm

The idea of taking time off always sounds attractive. As a political program, it's a bit thin, but then so is "balancing the budget".

Beowoof November 16, 2010 at 1:31 pm

This corn fed goober hillbilly, Gomer Pyle acting fuck wad needs to explain to Murica why he can pork anything with a curly tail he can pin down and the rest of us have to listen to his pontififcating on morals. And the Xtian morons give him air time. They're all hypocritical scumbags.

MistaEko November 16, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Yes, executives taking prolonged periods of time off has worked wonders for this country over the past decade.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Newt's been coasting on his reputation ever since that Contract on America resulted in him being a Made Man.

Word of advice, though: leave the gun AND the cannoli, tubbo.

HELisforHEL November 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Why is that fat slug of poop even allowed to breathe?
He's become this go-to republitard that everyone approaches for commentary and no one ever stops him mid-bullshit-stream and says "You know Newt, some of the American public is wondering how a cheating, lying, hypocritical asshole like you was able to parlay it all into this sweet sweet deal as a pundit? Because everyone knows you're full of shit and I suspect that even you know you're full of shit–certainly what you're saying at this moment is nothing but a pack of lies and conservitard talking points."
If one of those Sunday morning hosts or NewsHour seat warmers would do that JUST ONCE it would be a great day.

BarryOPotter November 16, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Unfortunately, the media signed the Contract on America without reading the fine print. Noot's lawyers, Dewey, Bangum & Howe, have since pointed out that if the media don't let Noot say the fuck ever he wants, then they are required to marry him AND consummate the marriage "…to Mr. Gingrich's satisfaction." The media enablers have simply chosen the less skankier of two paths. No one wants to touch his junk.

Noot: "You either give me my camera time, or put on the uniform and let's play TSA Check Point Charlie!"

ttommyunger November 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Newt and his illegitimate offspring (Grover Norquist and Jonah Goldberg) all need to shut the fuck up. BTW, Newt, ever hear of condoms? Down here in the Sovereign State of Dumbfukistan (Georgia) we know you are going to keep on fucking hideously ugly sluts behind the dumpsters at our local Waffle Houses, but enough with the Norquists and Goldbergs, already!

marinmaven November 16, 2010 at 1:58 pm

I don't feel bad at all that our cat disemboweled our Newt Gingrich cat toy. My only regret is that I cannot relive anew the discovery of the cat toy with its entrails of fluff and catnip strewn about.

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Newt Gingrich. I am amazed how anybody could consider him a presidential contender, but then there was Fred Thompson the last time around.

Acrewood November 16, 2010 at 2:26 pm

For more news and commentary, check out The Bond Project at

rocktonsam November 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Christ almighty, after that rant, Calista will have to let NEWTON on be on top tonight.

BarryOPotter November 16, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Flat Calista

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Well, yeah, I think we all remember Ally McBeal and would assume she still is…

…oh, wait. Never mind.

gurukalehuru November 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Has anybody else ever noticed that golf spelled backwards is flog?

indecencycmdr November 16, 2010 at 4:43 pm

did they do this interview in a barnes and noble? why are newt's books everywhere? when the camera is on the softball chucker, there's one of newt's books under the little monitor. subtle! this man is NOTHING BUT CLASS.

JustPixelz November 16, 2010 at 6:44 pm

I never thought Reagan took all that vacation to "reflect from a distance". I just though he was a lazy fuck.

But if the "secret" to Reagan's awesomeness is the 365 vacation days he took as President, the Bush is even more awesome with 977 days.

ShaveTheWhales November 17, 2010 at 12:51 am

I have no snark regarding Newt. I think that he is the single, proximate cause of the disintegration of the American political ecology. In a perverse way, I have to recognize (not admire) his persistence and evil inventiveness. He set out to corrupt the US political process by systematically replacing debate with invective. And, like OBL when the Twin Towers unexpectedly collapsed, he succeeded beyond any reasonable expectation when the media decided that conflict-of-the-moment was better entertainment than policy differences.

The guy basically destroyed the US political process, and the media still grant credibility to his porcine pronouncements.

(le sigh).

Speaking entirely metaphorically, if I were ever to find myself with 100 yards of the Newt, it would be very hard to restrain myself from showering him with votes.

I warned you I had no snark, eh?

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi November 17, 2010 at 12:59 am

note neocon newt always selling callista
aipac pretends every word of 9/11 scam

lulzmonger November 17, 2010 at 5:24 am

*takes off jester's cap*

Newt Gingrich may have degraded the level of political discourse, but in terms of kneecapping America, Reagan was the real villain: he stated outright before he became POTUS that the key to conservative victory was to sabotage the economy & gut the Treasury so thoroughly that no capital would remain to enable any major liberal programs to be enacted, because he knew they had greater merit than anything his side could ever come up with … then Republicans could rely on the Democrats to come to power right when the shit hit the fan so that they could be his (disempowered) patsies. Keep Democrats reacting instead of initiating & make them wreck their own popularity in the process – then rescue America from those nasty socialists who keep harshing America's buzz, promising yet another free party on their grandchildren's tab. Lather, rinse, repeat.

That's the REAL Reagan Doctrine, & Bush executed it perfectly: most Americans now attribute the Bush-Paulson-Bernanke bank-bailout to Obama.

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