IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:19 am November 16, 2010

Joe Miller Still Suing Alaska For Not Letting Him Win

by Riley Waggaman

Don't worry Joe, there's always blogging!

  • Lisa Murkowski leads bearded fraud Joe Miller by more than 1,700 votes, and there are still thousands of write-in ballots that haven’t even been counted yet, ergo: Lisa Murkowski totally won, suck a fat one and choke on it, Joe Miller! But facts are stupid things invented by people who didn’t go to Yale Law School, so Joe Miller is not worried, and he certainly isn’t conceding anytime soon. Instead, he will keep suing Alaska, in his last sad attempt to disenfranchise Alaskan voters. Sarah Palin has already endorsed Joe Miller’s lawsuit, on Twitter, so it is sure to succeed. (Note: Even if Jesus made a cameo appearance on Sarah Palin’s reality teevee show and ordered Alaska not to use “discretion” when counting write-in ballots, Joe Miller still wouldn’t have enough votes to win.) Ha ha, Joe Miller is such a jerk. [ADN]
  • Do you have scurvy or some other sailors disease, because you cannot afford vegetables or foodstuffs with nutritional value? It’s not unlikely, according to “U.S. agriculture officials.” 16.6 percent of Americans are malnourished and constantly hungry, and “enrollment in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, formerly known as the Food Stamp Program, has grown 58 percent over the last three years and reaches more than 42 million participants.” In other Food News: Glenn Beck says that George Soros is going to raise bread prices. We don’t even know what that means, but we love bread! Fuck! [McClatchy]
  • Pilots are really unhappy about being finger-banged by TSA Gropesmiths, even though these TSA people wear gloves and are certified high school graduates! Are airplane pilots prudes, or terrorists? Probably both: “‘If a pilot like me is going to be up to no good, why would he need a butter knife?’ [some terrorist-pilot] said. ‘I’m in control of the entire airplane!’” Yes, but what if a three-year-old girl got a hold of that butter knife? Put that butter knife through the Porno-Scanner, we wanna see its titties. [Fox News]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 197 comments }

chickensmack November 16, 2010 at 9:24 am

All these hungry poors are going to get on food stamps, and make our deficit spending go higher! At least all these Tea Partiers will soon be sworn in to shut that shit down.

Katydid November 16, 2010 at 10:10 am

Must. Cut. Taxes. For. The. Rich. Must. Cut. Taxes. For. The. Rich. Must. Cut. Taxes. For. The. Rich. Must. Cut. Taxes. For. The. Rich.

StillGoinGreen November 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

Snark meter off: I was at Albertsons yesterday, buying Bud light and cheese puffs – my usual dinner when the squids have soccer practice – and this fat bitch was in front of me in the line. She was bellowing all this tea party bullshit through her blow hole about gubmint spending and Obomber being the downfall of our society, blah, blah, blah. Then, it was time for her to pay – and she swiped her motherfucking Lone Star card! I lost my mind and just went off on her. I said very loudly, "You do realize that every time you use that government freebie card, you've just increased the deficit, don't you?" She just glared at me, then I said, "You are a hypocrite", and she said, "FUCK YOU!" and walked off. The poor little hott behind the counter just looked at me and kinda smiled and meekly said, "do you have any coupons". I cracked up. THAT, my friends is why I want to move to Rapa Nui.

glindsey1979 November 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

THIS. Congratulations; I wish you'd caught that on video for posterity because I think I'd pay to watch it.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 11:59 am

You mean, "posteriority."

BarryOPotter November 16, 2010 at 10:50 am

Very well played, my man! Very well played. How you were able to withstand the full weight and authority of her cogent refutation of your hypothesis, viz a hearty 'fuck you' to your charge of hypocrisy, boggles the mind. Now you're inside her head and with every swipe of her Lone Star card, she'll see your smug mug calling her out on her ignorant bullshit. In a sense, you haunt her. Again, very well played.

StillGoinGreen November 16, 2010 at 10:58 am

I prayed to the bearded white Jesus that she WOULD respond – what is the value of confrontation without the sweet nectar of retaliation? And you are right, I just smiled bigly as she FUCK YOU'd me – so she would have that image in her head as she explained it to her horrid brood when she returned to her pigsty .

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 11:00 am

Glenn Beck says that George Soros is going to raise bread prices. We don’t even know what that means, but we love bread! Fuck!

I think it's time for another installment of Cooking with Caveman:

Try this recipe to make some of this shit. (That's yesterday's batch.) About $.50 a loaf, so the heck with Beck and Soros. Easiest bread recipe evar, but you may want to dial down the heat 25 degrees and/or cut cooking time depending on your oven.

chickensmack November 16, 2010 at 11:17 am

GREAT. You just HAD to show the poors; after all, poors have been supplanting their food with internets.

Now we can't stimulate the economy with their Lone Star cards.

(looks delicious, by the way)

StillGoinGreen November 16, 2010 at 11:25 am

How well does this recipe handle things like poppy seeds, whole grains or little sprinkles of certain ground up stems and leaves?

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

I've never augmented it with anything like that, but since it's a "slow-rise" type of bread, it should be able to handle just about anything you throw at it. May want to sub a little of the beer & water used in the recipe w/veg oil or melted butter if you want maximum kick from your 'certain ground up leaves.'

Or so I'm told.

StillGoinGreen November 16, 2010 at 11:52 am

I just saw that you got the recipe from Seattle Times, so, ya know, since my brother lived in Seattle and when I went to visit him, we always had a really good time – I think.

vulpes82 November 16, 2010 at 9:27 am

You mean deep-fried Double Down donut sandwiches with a side order of High Fructose Corn Syrup isn't meeting our nation's nutritional needs? Obviously, this is a lie concocted by Michell Obama and Big Garden.

CapeClod November 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

On the plus side, we are now seeing TV commercials for gout medication so obviously many of our countrymen are living the lifestyle of King Henry VIII. USA! USA!

vulpes82 November 16, 2010 at 11:05 am

God, I saw one of those last week! I felt deep, deep shame for my country.

jim89048 November 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Not ALL of us gout sufferers live that well. Some of us just have bad genes. Even ingesting a sweet, healthy tomato can trigger an attack. Sucks to be me, obvs.

CapeClod November 16, 2010 at 1:05 pm

But if it is gene related you can try selling the idea that you are decended from royalty.
(Sorry, to hear that, by the way.)

jim89048 November 16, 2010 at 1:41 pm

You might be right–after all, I AM unemployed/unemployable, as a true blueblood should be.

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2010 at 11:17 pm

I believe all gout sufferers have iffy genes. I'm sorry that you number among them, and apparently among those for whom breathing is dangerous, as opposed to those who have to abuse their chromosomes into hurting them.

deanbooth November 16, 2010 at 9:29 am

If we're really going to be safe, someone needs to search the searchers. But then that searcher needs to be searched. Therefore, there must be a Unsearched Searcher.
Praise Jebus, I'm saved!

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Searchers all the way down.

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2010 at 11:19 pm

But who will search the Unsearched Searcher?

I'd do that in Latin, but then y'all would mock me. So just visualize it as a wonderful classical epigram.

MsQuasimodo November 17, 2010 at 1:39 am

The first one searched searches the last, unsearched searcher. It's like a circular firing squad, or a mobius strip, or a google. A conundrum wrapped in an enigma. Also, too.

x111e7thst November 16, 2010 at 9:29 am

Will Goldline be selling special commemorative bread?

metamarcisf November 16, 2010 at 9:52 am

Hello. This is Glenn Beck for Cheeseline.

trampndirtdown November 16, 2010 at 9:57 am

He who controls the caves controls the cheese. Omg I just figured it out. OSB is after our cheese!!!111!!1

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.

Oblios_Cap November 16, 2010 at 10:58 am

Someone moved my cheese!

DoktorZoom November 16, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I just cut the cheese, myself.

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

Yes. The loaves will be marked with the either the face of Beck or Jesus, because aren't they the same? Especially when you make toast.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 9:31 am

Those Republicans, like Joe Miller and Norm Coleman, are always clogging up our legal system with their frivolous lawsuits.

Damn that Roosevelt and his socialist food stamp program; without that, the impoverished children would be starving to death like proper urchins!

glindsey1979 November 16, 2010 at 9:52 am

But the urchins are just so darned CUTE in the movies!

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:09 am

No one's sweeping my chiminey now, because of the fucking anti-freedom child labor laws!

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 12:36 am

Child starvation is the duty of the personally responsible poor. Socialist food stamp driven urchin shortages will surely be followed by wench shortages. The Tea Party will preserve our vital urchin and wench supply with the introduction of the workhouse and debtor's prisons.

HurricaneAli November 16, 2010 at 9:33 am

John Adams said, "Facts are stubborn things." I guess for Hobo Joe and his teabaggy compadres, facts are stupid things, then.

JustPixelz November 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm

Facts are also always wrong, wrong, wrong. At least in Opposia, the land ruled by libertarian Tea Partiers. In Opposia, Obama raised taxes. In Opposia, death panels killed the Constitution (RIP). In Opposia, pi is 3 and 2 + 2 = 5.

HurricaneAli November 16, 2010 at 1:48 pm

We have always been at war with Opposia.

sezme November 16, 2010 at 9:34 am

A spork up the ass is the modern air traveller's best friend.

Terry November 16, 2010 at 9:34 am

Yes. It's just the mentally deficient ones like the Palins and Joe Miller who keep getting on the TV and giving the State's population a bad name.

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 9:47 am

And those who encourage them by voting for them or watching their teevee shows. "Willow, what are you doing up there w/Andy?"

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 9:56 am

And voting for them to win TV shows; an actual grizzly in a gown has more grace..

Terry November 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

A grizzly has more tact, too. Bristol insulted all her co-contestants this week by saying she's the only "real person" in the contest that the others were "fake Hollywood". Klassy girl.

mumbly_joe November 16, 2010 at 10:40 am

I honestly, used to feel kinda bad for her, being used as a stageprop by Snowbilly as she was, but then I learned that all of her charm and class were learned from her incompetant, mean-spirited Snowgrifter parents, and that she really truly is Snowbilly, Jr. in exactly the fashion described above.

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 11:56 am

Heh, she actually said that?

Y'know, Bris, those "Hollywood types" got there by having a modicum of talent, and/or by the combination of being really attractive and giving great head. None of which apply to you, so I think you are just being catty here.

imissopus November 16, 2010 at 12:05 pm

True story: I was checking into a hotel somewhere in Vermont a few years ago for a wedding. The plain-spoken Real American behind the counter noted that my address listed me as living in Hollywood, CA, and she asked me how I liked that cold and rainy New England weather. I mentioned that I'd grown up on the East Coast and spent several summers and all of college in MA, at which point she or her co-worker said something to the effect that that's good, I must be used to the way that normal people live.

At which point I smiled, went up to my room, and checked my plane ticket to see just how soon I was getting the hell out of there.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 11:26 am

Tongue-punching the fart-box with such ferocity her initials will be carved in Andy's first stool of the morning?

AngryBlakGuy November 16, 2010 at 9:38 am

…for some reason that pilot article gives me flash backs to that scene in "New Jack City" with all the naked women bagging cocaine.

prommie November 16, 2010 at 10:00 am

I don't recall that scene, but I want to.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Welcome back, long time no see!

simplyblue7 November 16, 2010 at 9:40 am

Shit, I'm hungry right now.

sarjo November 16, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Crisco is filling and inexpensive.

Allmighty_Manos November 16, 2010 at 9:43 am

Murkowski is probably going to need to check under the hood of her car every time she starts up in the morning, considering the nice folks who hang around Joe Miller.

Miller seems like a guy who, if his political career was in Honduras or El Salvador instead of Alaska, would be running death squads.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 9:52 am

Those are Rape-Squads. Get it right!

Ronnie Raygun's CIA wouldn't have it any other way.

iburl November 16, 2010 at 11:02 am

Wait, are you implying Lumberjack Joe ISN'T running an Alaskan death squad? Didn't his goons of death already kill a busload of election officials? Am I predicting the future again? Damn my psychic powers!

zhubajie November 17, 2010 at 7:49 am

I would imagine death squads are coming.

HempDogbane November 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

I've got scurvy and I'm getting about 4000 calories a day. It's not pretty, but this is why God gave us elastic waistbands.

NorthStarSpanx November 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

On the (Queen) plus side, a Palin endorsement and Tea Party support has at least effectively kept Bristol on DWTS.

Be on the look out for the simultaneous release of Bristol's first book and second acknowledged pregnancy in: "Bastard oh Bastard the Places We Go!" a story she doodled in her head at the beginning of her third trimester and mumbled to her child in utero as the Palin's orchestrated another epic 'give the bird' to America wondering why a 20 year old gets fatter as the high calorie burning competition progresses.

Also, no matter how you spell it, Joe Miller is a loser. Question is, will his payback to haters be as festering and vengeful with Heath / Palin panache?

Terry November 16, 2010 at 10:36 am

"…America wondering why a 20 year old gets fatter as the high calorie burning competition progresses"

A diet consisting entirely of cheap liquor, 2000 calorie whipped cream and coffee drinks, and Taco Bell?

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 10:48 am

Anybody ever notice that half the drinks they serve at Starbucks are just runny milkshakes?

Terry November 16, 2010 at 10:53 am

EXPENSIVE runny milkshakes.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:49 am

Pregnancy?

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 11:28 am

It's been almost three years since I ate Taco Bell. I miss it. & I can see why Bristol subsists on it.

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 12:05 pm

It's been forever for me, too. My problem is I only drive by the local Taco Bell on the way to Costco, so the insanely delicious kosher Polish dogs at the big box win out every time.

NorthStarSpanx November 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

$1.50 for a drink and a dog just can't be beat.

freakishlywrong November 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

Joe Miller is a bitter frownstache. Get over it, you lost. Now, please you, your patroness and her family and anyone who associates or knows them GO AWAY.

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2010 at 9:57 am

"Bitter frownstache" LOVE. I am totally nominating this for next year's Word of the Year.

johnnyzhivago November 16, 2010 at 9:46 am

Beck is to be congratulated for discovering the truth about Soros and how he collaborated with the Nazis when he was 12 years old and stole all the gold from the Jews in Europe. Soros of course double-crossed Hitler and kept the money, but in the process became the #1 Nazi himself.

Just amazing how this guy portrays himself as a holocaust survivor, when in fact, he was practically the mastermind of the whole operation!

imissopus November 16, 2010 at 11:39 am

Is that what he was talking about? I thought he was just saying that Soros was the real creator of "The Nutcracker."

Toomush_Infer November 16, 2010 at 9:48 am

Damn…now we'll never know what kind of National Enquirer condition Joe has, and how many mini-dollars he gets for that condition….I was kind of looking forward to the inevitable teabag explosion…

sarjo November 16, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Damn, you're right! Same as with Sarah Palin–juicy scandals forgotten in the wake of ignominious defeat. Oh well, maybe Britney Spears will shave her head again?

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 9:50 am

I went to Sarah's Twatter to see this endorsement of the Miller suit: nothing. The half-term Governor continues her walk-back of her support of the Bearded One. But, I did see this, her latest twat:

"Thanks 4 tuning in 2 Alaska's epic landscape & resource-rich showcase! In coming wks you'll see the hard work/blue collar jobs that feed USA"

Yes, that Alaska ag industry known as the Bread-basket of America. Or maybe it's just Sarah can see Ukraine from her house?
http://twitter.com/SarahPalinUSA/status/453410555

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 9:54 am

Alaska's blue collar jobs only "feed" some of America's cars and planes; but to your average Republican that's a lot more important than feeding humans.

glindsey1979 November 16, 2010 at 9:54 am

She neglected to say what they're feeding us.

Sgt_Biyatch November 16, 2010 at 10:11 am

If "resource-rich" Alaska has the hard work/blue collar jobs that feed the USA, then why do we give them $1.84 in subsidies for every dollar we collect from them in taxes?

Wadisay November 16, 2010 at 10:18 am

That Lisa Murkowski strikes me as one angry woman. When she talks about "serving all her constituents, including Sarah Palin," I think she actually means, shoving a Garden Weasel up Palin's cooch.

imissopus November 16, 2010 at 11:40 am

What Real American family doesn't eat honey-glazed salmon at every meal?

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I happened to be in Alaska about two years ago — making me, quite possibly, the last person from "the Mainland" to see Sarah, as Governor (I really did stand about fifteen feet from her, Piper, & Trig) — & I had salmon at a brewpub. I expected it might run cheaper, being so close the source. Wrong!

LakeLucilleLoon November 16, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Right, cause everyone is buying that $20 per pound Copper River Red salmon that we export. I guess Sarah thinks the trailer folks in the lower 48 put that in their mac and cheese.

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2010 at 11:36 pm

No on the mac, but I will buy Copper River a few times a year because it is SO FUCKING GOOD.

revmod November 16, 2010 at 9:53 am

Which brings me to the part I never understood:

If I manage this feat and produce delicious post-apocalyptic loaves, why would I want to exchange them for gold? How is gold more fungible than US dollars if I can't eat it or wrap it around myself for warmth? I get the gun and seed hoarding, but gold has no more intrinsic value than baseball cards.

prommie November 16, 2010 at 9:59 am

The ultimate commodity for exchange in the near future will be ammunition. Don't buy gold, buy ammo.

mereoblivion November 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

Best of both worlds: Golden bullets. http://www.usorted.com/golden-bullet.cfm
"One pill will keep you charging for up to eight hours." Do they mean charged? Or literally charging, as in you grab your Gold Card and shop nontstop?

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:07 am

According to the Beck-style gold hucksters (as well as the Paul-style gold standard folk), gold is, unlike money, inherently valuable because… um… because it was valuable in ancient times? Because it's fairly rare? They've never really explained that part.

glindsey1979 November 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

Because it's SHINY, duh. Shiny = valuable. This is the crux of the argument.

trampndirtdown November 16, 2010 at 9:25 pm

So their tinfoil hats are priceless?

Sgt_Biyatch November 16, 2010 at 10:00 am

I think the TSA needs to take a different tack – instead of employing fat, illiterate bullies to slobber over our naughty parts, they should hire Hooters-caliber girls for the dudes and Dancing Bear oily bohunks for the ladies. Then no one will mind being ogled or having our fart box finger punched. Problem solved!

HedonismBot November 16, 2010 at 10:19 am

Then who do they hire for the children? Won't someone think of the children?

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:43 am

Hire other children, they can make a game of it; the parents would just love that.

zhubajie November 17, 2010 at 7:51 am

Other children!

widestanceroman November 16, 2010 at 11:08 am

It's not the junk-touching that bothers me, so much as the total lack of rhythm and feeling while doing so. I have to show them how I like it. Every. Damn. Time.

ManchuCandidate November 16, 2010 at 10:00 am

I went through one of those 3D scanners when I was in San Diego a couple of weeks ago (I flew the same day as Libertardian's rant and missed it, fortunately, by 3 hours.)

Remember that whole 9/11 freakout, oh dumdums of US America? When you saw Ayrabs in every shadow? Invaded a nation that had nothing to do with it but rather because of some idiot neocons? Remember when a lot of smart people in US America realized that this was fucking stupid and pointless and tried to stop it? It's funny now that when the bills are coming do that you're bitching about the financial cost and the invasion of privacy… Enjoy, idiots.

Pop_Socket November 16, 2010 at 10:20 am

Be careful what you wish for. Karma is a bitch. With long fingernails to jab you with as you are getting your goodies inspected.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

OK, but the airport violations are not a result of the invasion of Iraq. That's like saying Bush kept us safe from terrorist attacks.

ManchuCandidate November 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

No, it's the whole mind dumbing (sic) excessive emotional reaction to terrorism by those in the US. Instead THINKING and taking action as to what was needed.

BTW, the invasion of Iraq is a SYMPTOM not the cause.

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2010 at 10:03 am

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

HedonismBot November 16, 2010 at 10:18 am

God he's scary! I clicked the clicky expecting to see that picture of him in the sleeveless "heavy metal" outfit, and somehow ended up seeing something even creepier.

sezme November 16, 2010 at 10:20 am

That line has never been used more appropriately.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 16, 2010 at 10:58 am

He kind of looks like large slab of old beef jerky wearing an American flag.

DoktorZoom November 16, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Heh..you know, I don't even remember what picture originally went with that "image is very disturbing" line…no, really, what was it? Slave auction, or lynching, or something of that ilk, right?

Krugmanic Depressive November 16, 2010 at 10:06 am

That may be good enough for you, but what about the lazy dog and the sleepy cat and the noisy duck?

OneYieldRegular November 16, 2010 at 10:10 am

Say it ain't so, Joe! (I've been waiting to use that line ever since McCain's people suggested it to me back in 2008).

HedonismBot November 16, 2010 at 10:11 am

Why won't Jesus endorse Joe Miller? Why does Jesus hate Trig Palin?

chickensmack November 16, 2010 at 10:42 am

He doesn't hate Trig… he just knows it's awkward to sit around and talk to someone who doesn't get it. Jesus may be the savior, but he's not a prom queen princess that's trying to look sweet and cloying to all the male suitors in the room by talking sweetly to a tard.

4TheTurnstiles November 16, 2010 at 10:12 am

Hypothesis: If I write the words HAPPY DONGLE on my chest and belly with zinc oxide ointment, very thick, then let it dry and head to the airport for a scannin'… do you think the TSA scanner readers would know what the words mean? I'm guessing it's visible in the scan through clothing…

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 1:08 am

There's a marketing opportunity somewhere in that comment.

Katydid November 16, 2010 at 10:15 am

It's only fair when a Republican wins.

PsycWench November 16, 2010 at 10:17 am

Joe Miller is just confused b/c he read "The Secret" as recommended on Oprah. He didn't see the disclaimer about it working on you but maybe not working on voters.

ttommyunger November 16, 2010 at 11:35 am

The problem is that the voters learned the real Secret: Joe Miller is a Ginormous Douchebag.

mereoblivion November 16, 2010 at 10:19 am

I can come up with all sorts of things a pilot who was up to no good could do with a butter knife, just sitting up there in the cockpit trying to stay awake and all.

Does the butter knife have butter on it?

PsycWench November 16, 2010 at 10:21 am

Haven't you seen "Last Tango in Paris"? "Get the butter….knife".

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 1:11 am

The pilot has to buy the butter for $2.98/pat and he'd better have exact change. It's a cockpit, not first class!

prommie November 16, 2010 at 10:21 am

Has Joe Miller suggested that there should be some special accomodation for him on account of his disability? Spot him 20,000 votes, give him extra time for his voters to vote, some kind of reasonable accomodation under the ADA? Makes sense to me, does it to you? He's a precious little angel, that Joe Miller, you betcha! Liberty!

x111e7thst November 16, 2010 at 10:21 am

"At the end of six days of ballot counting, the race between Joe Miller and Lisa Murkowski is still very close,"
=
If the courts can't throw out enough ballots to give the race to Miller maybe his rent-a goons can.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 11:32 am

Brooks Brothers Riot. Riot! Throw back a hit of Meth. Brooks Brothers Riot. Riot! Run a comb thru your itchy beard.

fuflans November 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

yes but prince william is engaged.

johnnyzhivago November 16, 2010 at 10:35 am

Sorry, but the Palins are the only Royal Family America is interested in…

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2010 at 11:07 am

Wait. When did they allow gay marriage in the UK?

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 10:25 am

But I'm sure it's Miller Time somewhere.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 10:34 am

Joe, though, is neither less filling, nor does he taste great.

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 12:16 pm

But he *does* generate lots of gas.

JoshuaNorton November 16, 2010 at 10:27 am

Food stamps don't even work. Just ask the teabagger who tried to use one to mail a KFC Double Down.

OneDollarJuana November 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

Where there's man-boobs, there's a thong!

joobajooba November 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

Aren't pilots allowed to carry guns already? So what happens when a pilot's glistening barrel shows up on the x-ray spex?

Mindblank November 16, 2010 at 10:32 am

I can see a nutjob pilot hijacking his own plane Blazing Saddles style. "Can't someone help that poor boy?"

DahBoner November 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

I'm surprised that Lou Messican Dobbs ain't raged bout Bimbo Messican White Bread buying up our Sarah Lee bakery products?

If George Soros ain't raising our bread prices, that Slim Messican guy will!

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Oh wow, I hadn't heard that! Now that I live/shop in the great Mexican state of SE Chicago/NE Indiana, I have experienced the joy of snickering at the Bimbo Bread signs with the little white bear. Before that, I thought "Grupo Bimbo" was the Mexican Pussycat Dolls.

slappypaddy November 16, 2010 at 10:43 am

soros is raising the price of bread (what a powerful man! who'd a-thunk it?), but he will keep the cost of circuses free. he's even shipping one to d.c. it opens in january and promises to be a rollicking blast. it will include the world's widest-stanced men and women, the world's largest bag of tea, and a special center-ring extravaganza of elephants doing the nasty on donkeys, who are expected to squeal like pigs. ladies and gentlemen, step right up, get your tickets now! they're free, just a dollar.

DahBoner November 16, 2010 at 10:48 am

Speaking of pigs, did you know that pigs like to wallow in shit? *

And they really don't care that it's shit.

* = This is an allegory alluding to Republicans not caring about whether what they are repeating is all lies.

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 1:37 am

I don't know about that. My hogs always built a raised straw bed at the shelter corner of their pens and then shat as far as they could from the bed. They really loved being scrubbed pink with soap and water and a bristle push broom every day. Given an opportunity, they seemed to like being clean.
Republicans however, are a completely different animal.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Your imagery is enjoyable, but the insufferable vocal stylings of Greg Lake are now lodged my brain.

slappypaddy November 16, 2010 at 1:06 pm

who dat?

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Best that you don't know!

slappypaddy November 16, 2010 at 1:44 pm

that's the same thing my government says, about many things.

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2010 at 11:41 pm

You know, I would have breezed right past that if you hadn't mentioned Greg Fucking Lake.

Gorillionaire November 16, 2010 at 10:45 am

If we would just arm everyone onboard every plane like President Archie Bunker said we should, this would not even be an issue.

MinAgain November 16, 2010 at 10:59 am

Pilots. They're such prima donnas. Don't they realize that it's important to make sure some terrorist pilot isn't carrying a boxcutter when he boards a plane? He might accidentally stab someone as he steers the plane into a mountain.

slappypaddy November 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm

if it's true that pilots have boxcutters up their asses, that could explain a lot.

elpinche November 16, 2010 at 10:59 am

Finding lost receipts from Ikea and Office depot and returning merchandise is UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

notreelyhelping November 16, 2010 at 11:16 am

Poor Joe Miller: voted too crazy for Northern Exposure.

DashboardBuddha November 16, 2010 at 11:17 am

Hey Pat…I got yer "meat" right here.

BombyMcGee November 16, 2010 at 11:17 am

Next year, TSA will roll out a new policy requiring passengers to fart into a jar prior to boarding. This will be to ensure they are not smuggling Sarin gas aboard the plane.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

God, can you imagine all those fart jars (3 oz bottles, actually) on a flight to Orlando? Someone lights a match and the plane goes up like the goddam Hindenberg.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 11:18 am

By the way, how did one person (freakishlywrong) manage to sneak a comment into the closed thread up top?

binarian November 16, 2010 at 11:25 am

Yeah, and what happened there? Thread too volotile for even Wonkette?

natoslug November 16, 2010 at 11:32 am

There were two comments before it closed, I think. I tried responding to one, then Jack locked us out. Why does Jack hate the marketplace of ideas (or is that marketplace of idiocy)?

binarian November 16, 2010 at 11:36 am

I guess he thought we'd all start frothing at mouth after reading that story.

SorosBot November 16, 2010 at 11:40 am

And here I just wanted to mock the hypocritical dipshit.

natoslug November 16, 2010 at 11:43 am

I definitely started frothing. An anti-healthcare politician complaining about his healthcare benefits kicking in soon enough needs his legs broken and leprosy injected into his eyeballs.

Not_So_Much November 16, 2010 at 11:52 am

I've got a froth buildup regarding that post. And no free healthcare. Also.

He's a doc — maybe he can check his colon and prostate health while his head is already jammed up there.

charlesdegoal November 16, 2010 at 11:58 am

My own intended comment had to do with the picture: Is he toting or is he just happy to have been elected?
Meanwhile, the situation at Wonkette seems dire: Early end to postings yesterday, now this. I suspect sabotage or else that drugs may be involved.

V572625694 November 16, 2010 at 11:43 am

Here's what I would have said on that post, if my First Amendment rights hadn't been refudiated by our Wonket: People become anesthesiologists because they want to make a lot of money from sick people without actually talking to any sick people. Ditto radiologists. So whaddya expect?

binarian November 16, 2010 at 11:52 am

And. Anesthesiologists make middle six figures annually. I'm sure he can afford to pay Cobra or shell out for any booboo he or his brood gets in 28 fucking days. And you'll be saving the government money by not sucking on the government teat. Isn't this what you 'tards are all about anyway?

Radiotherapy November 16, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Yeah, his anal warts need immediate attention.

Radiotherapy November 16, 2010 at 12:09 pm

My comment was about his gay pager. They could page him when his Congressional Medicaid Gold Card becomes active. Paging Dr. Douchebag…Paging Dr. Douchebag

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 11:28 am

Carpetbagger!

(Like that RINO Mittens, & that bitch Hillary.)

DashboardBuddha November 16, 2010 at 11:29 am

OT – What's going on with Andy Harris story? I really want to tee up on that whining putz.

natoslug November 16, 2010 at 11:48 am

Jack's trying to see how many of us burst blood vessels as we rage silently over Harris' amazing jackassery.

Office_39 November 16, 2010 at 11:50 am

Political intrigue! I am gripped in fear. Jack needs to come clean on this one, but fast.

Weenus299 November 16, 2010 at 11:54 am

it's a conspiracy that goes right to the top. Jack sealed it to protect us all from a damning realization that nobody gives a shit about anything anymore.

Crap Jack, put that thing down, you don't know what you're doing! Run for it, Marty!

natoslug November 16, 2010 at 11:57 am

Jack's done this before. I think he just thick-fingered the wrong button rather than being a freedom-hating blogmonster.

ttommyunger November 16, 2010 at 11:38 am

I don't know which is more amusing, Joe Miller trying to display gravitas or his henchmen trying to look tough.

Gopherit November 16, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Haha! Fuck you, Miller. You're just like the Teabagging rep wannabes here in southern Arizona. One took over a week and 3000+ votes before he sent a spokesman out to concede for him, and the other was declared the loser and still hasn't conceded. Tea Party candidates are so conviced by their powdery white echo chambers that they are overwhelming winners that they just can't get themselves to believe they could lose, never mind doing it with grace and courtesy. Fuck them.

JustPixelz November 16, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Carl Paladino complained about the NY Post's goons. Joe Miller used goons to arrest that reporter for, um, reporting. Now the TSA goons are ogling scanning titties WMDs. It's boom times in the goon economy.

HistoriCat November 16, 2010 at 12:44 pm

When I grow up I wanna be a goon!

MsQuasimodo November 17, 2010 at 1:37 am
JustPixelz November 16, 2010 at 12:25 pm

"16.6 percent of Americans are malnourished and constantly hungry"

Ah, to be a teenager and/or supermodel again.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:27 pm

My God, a high-res printout of that face pasted on America's refrigerators would certainly reduce our growing gout problem!

glamourdammerung November 16, 2010 at 3:59 pm

That was a face? I figured it was another of those nude Jenna Jameson PETA ads.

gurukalehuru November 16, 2010 at 12:44 pm

If half those voters who managed to spell Lisa Murkowski correctly (QED not teabaggers) had realized there was actually a Democrat in the race, which they might have known if it had been in any of the newspapers, the result might have been different.
This is the worst possible result in that election. At least Miller would have been good for a view laughs.

glamourdammerung November 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

In other Food News: Glenn Beck says that George Soros is going to raise bread prices. We don’t even know what that means, but we love bread!

It means that Glenn Beck is trying to blame the Bush Recession on a certain minority group. Do you know who else blamed a minority group for the country's economic woes?

comrad_darkness November 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm

The Miller campaign insists that's not the case. Miller spokesman Randy DeSoto said he still thinks the court challenge could get enough votes thrown out for Miller to win.

"The race is far from over," DeSoto said

He is probably correct about that. The Supreme Court could simply appoint him senator at random, right. I mean, he IS a republican.

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Oh, some trannies really get into it & get implants, so I'm sure Ol' Bathroom Tapper has gotten his paws on some juicy (ersatz) melons.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

A cry-baby douche bag … whose friends wear brass knuckles.

Gunner Asch November 16, 2010 at 2:25 pm

1 1/4 C water
1 TBS yeast (Costco has 1 lb for about $3.50)
2 TBS sugar
1 Tsp salt
2 TBS veggie oil
2 3/4 C (+-) AP flour
1/4 C 'most any grain that rings your chimes – oatmeal is nice

Super simple, super cheap, super delicious. Been doing this for 40 years. Comes out chewy like a dense cake. Yes it's somewhat hi calorie, but you're supposed to eat this instead of all that meat & potatoes & processed food stuff, not besides. I don't proof the yeast – just dump everything in together.

sarjo November 16, 2010 at 2:43 pm

How sweet that the Unabomber let you keep the recipe book as well as the survival shack!

Gunner Asch November 16, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I bicycled through Lincoln, Montana some years back and talked to some of the locals. The consensus was that he wasn't any weirder than the other out-in-the-woods dwellers.

Barrelhse November 16, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Hey, Joe,
Where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

sarjo November 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Goin' down to shoot that Meerkatsky lady, ya know I caught her gettin' too many votes, gettin' too many votes.

glamourdammerung November 16, 2010 at 3:54 pm

The group is called "World Wide Premium Packers". I would avoid using the stall next to them in an airport toilet if you need what I mean.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 16, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Wingnutz! They really love those double entendres.

glamourdammerung November 16, 2010 at 5:05 pm

Double entendres? Is that was the arresting officer referred to as a "spit pig"?

glamourdammerung November 16, 2010 at 3:55 pm

I do not recall Beck pointing out Soros is an ethanol producer every time he has a crying jag about the guy. But then again, I tend to not pay too much attention to rodeo clowns. And I also do not belong to a religion that claims Hitler as a member in the afterlife, unlike Beck.

Redhead November 16, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Miller's just pissed that the teabaggers got so caught up in their "Save Bristol-make up e-mail addresses for DWTS!" campaign that they forgot to vote in anything that MATTERS.

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 12:45 am

"Alaskans more literate than suggested by previous evidence?"
No, probably just a windfall for mainstream Republican party tattoo parlors.

GreasyRabbit75 November 17, 2010 at 12:57 am

In 2000, Al Bore stubbornly refuses to admit defeat, thereby holding up the election process.

In 2010, Joe Miller stubbornly refuses to admit defeat, thereby holding up the election process.

Libs considered Bore a saintly martyr, while currently denigrating Miller as a POS.

Holy double-standards, Batman!

transfatz November 17, 2010 at 12:59 am

Right. We didn't need pilots for our balsa wood planes when I was young. Why can't they just wind up the rubber bands, point the plane in the right direction and just let go?

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi November 17, 2010 at 1:07 am

Sarah vs Lisa?
Lisa vs Sarah?

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

One could make an argument for no part of Greater El Lay being "normal", but I'm just being a provincial Chicago jerk.

Terry November 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm

I paraphrased from this article: http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/2010/11/16/

Bristol is famous for two things: 1. for getting knocked up in high school and 2. for having a famous mother.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

3. performing "Dance of the Manatee" on the TV.

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Well, if you can remember it clearly, it wasn't a really good time, was it?

imissopus November 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Depends on how you define "normal." I myself do not consider it normal to live in such face-melting cold but my brother's family lives in Chicago and seems to be used to it.

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2010 at 11:30 pm

When you talk about cities, "normal" quickly becomes a tricky concept.

And, shouldn't you be complaining about the Second City thing to Manhattan?

horsedreamer_1 November 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

If only NBC didn't own the rights to HornyManatee.com; otherwise, Conan could make a running gag of offering greater & greater sums to Bristol to appear on an HornyManatee/Conan simulcast.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Yes, I'll grant you that winters alternating between dry-ice cold and not being able to dig out of your house, as well as the testicle-poaching, humidity-drenched Augusts, are a bit exceptional. But every time I've returned to Chicago from Los Angeles, I've noticed that I could actually breathe without a respirator. Oh, pay me no mind, I'm just pissed still about the Second City thing.

Chet Kincaid November 18, 2010 at 8:35 pm

We're Second City in name only since LA passed us in population. “Third City” sucks balls as a nickname, but “Third Coast” is kinda cool.

Chet Kincaid November 18, 2010 at 8:35 pm

We're Second City in name only since LA passed us in population. “Third City” sucks balls as a nickname, but “Third Coast” is kinda cool.

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