greek tragedies

Clarence Thomas’ Wife Too Insane For Teabagger Group, Steps Down

Has had sex with Clarence Thomas.Why do people suddenly step down from their positions well after their controversy news cycle is over? Perhaps we will never know, but here’s another example of this phenomenon: Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has given up control of her Teabagger group, Liberty Central (who apparently, based on that name, want liberty to be centralized, not dispersed among the people). Virginia Thomas is stepping down to get away from the “distractions” of now being a public figure who likes to call around to people her husband has sexually harassed, asking for apologies. But she is still going to be part of the group, in the “back seat.” So if you were worried that she might actually exit her conflict-of-interest position — that of a Supreme Court justice’s wife raising anonymous contributions for a group with stark positions on constitutional issues — you can rest easy. She’ll still be part of that group.

“She’ll take a back seat so that Liberty Central can continue with its mission without any of the distractions,” Carroll said. “After discussing it with the board, Mrs. Thomas determined that it was best for the organization.”

This article doesn’t mention how Thomas will fill the new spare time in her schedule, but she will probably spend it with her family — if by “spend,” you mean “leave offensive voicemails,” and if by “family,” you mean Anita Hill’s office phone. [WP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

157 comments

      1. V572625694

        Ever see that "Larry Sanders" episode where Larry is explaining to headwriter Phil why he can't be such a dick to a gay co-worker?

        Larry: You know who runs Hollywood, right?
        Phil (tentatively): The Jews?
        Larry: The gay Jews, dipshit!

  1. bumfug

    The back seat – that's where you can be just as annoying but it's harder for people on the outside to see you. Plus, that horndog you married can diddle you all you want back there.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's also the place where Pappy can reach back and backhand the shit outta ya if ya get too whiny. "Don't make me stop this car, goddamit!"

    2. JGambolputty

      Clarence's beady eyes have always given me the chills. On the other hand, it's nice to know that while Clarence Thomas hates blacks, he has a positive view of BBWs.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Damn. I'm not sure who's uglier: Clarence or Ginni. Hopefully they don't have any mirrors in the bedroom because ….shudder….

    1. Progressiveinga

      When she was a baby, her parents had to tie a pork chop around her neck so the dog would play with her and he was so ugly his mother used to feed him with a sling shot.

  3. savethispatient

    Correction: Clarence Thomas’ wife too insane to front for Teabagger Group, still insane enough to be a member.

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    Another job created! That fancy University she works for is going to have to hire an admin asst to go through Anita Hill's voice mails and delete the inappropriate, drunk dialed ones.

  5. binarian

    Good God, why is this news? This woman is the re-incarnation of Phyllis Schlafly. Who cares what she has to say.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Um I don't think they believe in reincarnation. How about reanimated zombie corpse of Phyllis Schlafy?

      1. binarian

        I meant in the metaphorical sense. Wait, they probably don't believe in those either. Ok, Zombie Phyllis it is.

    2. user-of-owls

      No, as Ducks says, reincarnation can't be involved, at least not if one includes a karma dimension. Because if that was the case, this pestilent suck-hag would have reappeared as Loudon Wainwright III's skunk. The one who didn't look left and didn't look right.

  6. MistaEko

    Good Morning, Ginny Thomas, this is Mrs. Carroll at Liberty Central. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the months and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider to step down sometime and offer some frivolous explanation so what you did with that woman who did that thing with your husband won't make us look all the more crazy. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why we can't have you around. OK, have a good day.

  7. uncuntstitutional

    She'll be sitting on the couch, arms crossed, frowning, staring intently at the closed door to Clarence's home office, where he is undoubtedly sitting at his desk masturbating furiously to some weird huge boober porn and DVD donkey shows.

    That's "quality time with family" in the Thomas house.

  8. SorosBot

    So she's planning on switching to just quietly working in the organization's background without making any public appearances or actually saying anything; exactly like her husband's judicial work, then.

  9. PsycWench

    If liberty is dispersed amongst the people, everyone will think they deserve it. We can't have that.

    1. V572625694

      That's why they're changing it from the "Bill of Rights" to the "Working List of Conditional Privileges."

    2. transfatz

      That makes sense. If it's dispersed, liberty gets thinner. And some just need thicker, more luxuriant liberty than others.

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Well, thank the gods. Meg Whitman finally got a 'do that manages to hide her forehead. Oh, wait…

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Meg's forehead turned Boehner-orange during a private meeting with Justice & Mrs. Thomas, when Clarence suggested they all change into something a little more comfortable.

  11. natoslug

    Virginia Thomas is not someone I want to think about. Knowing her husband's porn fetishes, you know she has a latex or leather catwoman suit in her closet, a full complement of ball gags and nipple clamps, is known for her skill at cock and ball torture and spends entirely too much time writhing around in vanilla pudding while taking it up the ass from a Shetland pony. It is posts like this that force me to think about this, and no sir, Virginia "Get on your knees and suck my latex cock while the goat rims you, Clarence" Thomas is not someone I want to think about.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I want to register a formal complaint about the alt-text. I don't know when I will cease throwing up in my mouth…

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Don't mind that, but now you've made me picture HIM in any kind of sex-mode, and that sausage/green pepper pizza I had for breakfast is fighting back.

    2. VaWyo

      Well at least it is after 4 so I don't feel bad about the drink I am going to pour for myself after that visual!

    3. Rotundo_

      I'm not so sure about their "activities" but I can almost imagine them sitting by the fire watching "Alices new Farm Friends" while munching popcorn and very matter of factly discussing technique and dimensions like some couple watching a ball game or one of the talent shows on these days. "It isn't just the peanut butter working there, I think he's really into it right hon?"

  12. user-of-owls

    Bless her soul, if by "soul," you mean "festering cesspool of viciousness, turpitude and gristle."

  13. Barrelhse

    The "back seat." If I were to find myself at the drive-in with her, I'd search hard for some latent homosexuality lurking inside me before I'd be caught in the back seat with THAT.

  14. Serolf_Divad

    Liberty Central is basically the place we'd go to get our Liberty(TM). If we ever wanted some Liberty (say, for instance, to do something) we would go to Liberty Central and ask for some Liberty (maybe a sixpack of Liberty, or, if we're feeling particularly libidinous, a kegger). Then we'd get some Liberty, but Freedom isn't free, so we'd have to actually offer Thomas something in exchange for that Liberty. What we'd have to offer is probably something like sucking Virginia Thomas' toes. In fact, that's almost certainly what we'd have to offer. So yeah, you'd go to Liberty Central (probably after work and before stopping by the grocery store) and suck Virginia Thomas' toes and she'd hand you a six pack of Liberty.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      With your Liberty Value Club Card*, you can get 3 Liberty for the price of 1!

      *requires an income of over $250,000 a year

    2. HistoriCat

      So that's how they came up with "Give me liberty or give me death" … if that's what it takes to get liberty, I'll choose death. Thanks.

  15. Tengu

    How can Liberty Central survive the loss of its founder and CEO? This proud group traces its roots all the way back to 2009.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Actually, it traces its roots back to 0 A.D… in a manger in Bethlehem. Like all good right-wing organizations/movements, it traces its origin to the birth of the Godhead, and its charter was written in the blood of Jesus as dripped from the cross and spashed upon a book of vellum bound in a cover of silver and gold. And the words that were written spell out Christ's first and most holy commandment to mankind: "Thy shalt lower taxes and slash entitlements. Amen."

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, Anita is totally hawt these days, looks like the years have been very good to her! plus she has a big brain and knows how to use it for more positive/ productive pursuits (unlike the current Mrs. Uncle Thomas, no wonder Ginny hates her!)

  16. prommie

    I dream of making the ultimate porno movie of all time, starring Sarah Palin and 2 mules, and of course, it would be called "Two Mules for Sister Sarah."

      1. BornInATrailer

        Like stuffing marshmallows in a piggy bank.

        (actually, I thought mules could still get it up, just no viable seed)

  17. Pop_Socket

    According to her official Liberty Central bio: "She also enjoys motor homing and watching “24″." So keep an eye out for her torturing terrorists late at night in WalMart parking lots.

  18. GeorgiaBurning

    Why isn't Fox spending a few hours discussing why she wears the flag pin on the wrong side? Whoops, never mind…

  19. prommie

    This really has turned into "Bizzarro United States," hasn't it? Being "intelligent" and "corrrect" is now considered arrogant and elitist, the stupid and ignorant are openly demanding equal time, hell, they are demanding, achieving, dominance, by campaigning against such arrogant, elitist values as "intelligence," "knowledge," and "charity."

    End the tyranny of the competent! There's nothing wrong with being wrong! Its time for the dumbfucks to take over, its time for the wrong people, the wrong ideas, and the wrong policies! Ignorance and stupidity have been the victim of propaganda by the media, which are biased against stupid and wrong, academia is biased and against stupid and wrong, and until now, reality has been biased against stupid and wrong. Its time to end this unfair treatment of dumbfucks and crazies and fucktards.

    1. binarian

      Agreed. Which actually sounds kind of……liberal, in a way. They're just "differently abled". Yeah, that'll fuck 'em up.

    2. Ducksworthy

      I would have to say that a majority of the media have ceased discriminating against stupidity and are fully in support ignorance, if fact they wallow in it. Academia is coming along and adapting well to the new reality.

      1. prommie

        Its more that they have created a "Potemkin Village" version of academia, with their Liberty University and others.

    3. DustBowlBlues

      Watching Bible Spice launch her campaign bid by appearing on an erstaz "reality teevee" show where she dangles the retard in front of a grizzly bear and hearing acongressman demand energy be managed according to the Old Testament and others claim that no one should pay any taxes, ever, for the deficit reduction plan,and winning elections overwhelmingly with shit like this–has pretty much heralded the decline of the American Empire just the way those orgy/vomatorium dinners sounded the death knell for the Roman Empire.

      I keep waiting for the public to get fed up, but it ain't gonna' happen, is it? They're going to get tax cuts for the wealthy because, goddamit, they could win the lottery and need them and the ploy will make as many jobs as it has for the last ten years and this country will completely be in the crapper with no FDR in sight.

      Ah, shit. It's hopeless, isn't it?

      1. Chet Kincaid

        The Nazis had much better propaganda. Would you rather watch naked Germans throwing javelins or Alaska Peggy Hill dislocating her shoulder firing a rifle she never touched before in her life?

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          well originally it was meant to be a comedy, kinda sorta…unfortunately it's more accurate than they intended?

      1. transfatz

        In a survey in my great state people were asked to rate what was important to them.
        Bringing high tech industries to the community was #2
        Higher education was #8
        Yay, we win, break out the rat dick jerky!
        Currency devaluation in 3,2,1…

          1. transfatz

            Shit! Busted! Please, please don't tell Wonkette where I am. I promise I won't reach under the stall partition again.

  20. neiltheblaze

    It's not Ginny's fault if the people at Liberty Central have no sense of humor for prank phone calls – or maybe that was really her husband, otherwise known as "Scalia's Fleshlight".

  21. donner_froh

    What has this country come to if the wife of a supreme court justice can't raise funds from organizations that might have cases before the supreme court and do a little drunk dialing of numbers she finds in her husband's old address book.

    Commanism fer sure.

  22. johnnyzhivago

    Is there anything stupider than using the title "CEO" for some half-assed advocacy group. Next we'll have the CEO of the local Knights of Columbus branch or CEO of the shoeshine stand in the subway.

    Isn't the Pope the CEO of the Catholic Church or Barack Obama, CEO of America.

    1. donner_froh

      There is something that approaches "CEO of corner bar". It is the multiplying "presidents" in Hollywood. There are Presidents of Production, Presidents of Distribution, even Co-Presidents.

  23. voodooeconomics

    what the heck ; There are many soldiers of the Wehrmacht that looks like her and wears the same style of uniform, er blouse.

  24. philpjfry

    Godamn evil bitch cock sucker. Once she could have no effect on elections,(did she?) and it stopped being fun because people were no longer paying attention to her moronic caterwalling, She stops doing what was her god given, no mandated, vocation of heading up a group of brain dead slugs. What a turd. How can she sleep at night. Oh no she can't, that's when she calls Anita.

  25. Jukesgrrl

    Justice Thomas haz a sad. His hopes of having some Liberty of his own (for sexy time, no doubt) have been dashed. She's ba-a-a-a-ck, with her drunk all day and awake all night habits.

  26. DustBowlBlues

    I resent it when people claim Clarence lacks intellectual legal understanding of the cases before the court, just because he doesn't ask any questions. Ever. The Mexican lady asked more questions in her first hour on the bench than he has in his entire service, if one wants to call it that, to the supremes.

    He's as smart as the other justices. Why ask questions if you've made up your mind prior to anything coming before the court? Corporation? You win. Racist? You win. Pornographer? ("ugh, let me get a call from Scalia on that").

  27. BklynIlluminati

    I want the Kool-Aid Clarence be feeding this biatch. Because my wife would be getting dosed heavy with it. Hey babe spent the day being a sexist pig looking at porn and hitting on every thing that crossed my path with anything higher than an 'A' cup. You need to call them girls to apologize to me

  28. guangho

    No worries. I'm sure Justice Thomas will recuse himself from all cases where his wife's activities may be a conflict of interest, thereby creating a slew of 4-4 decisions…..

  29. ttommyunger

    I happen to have it on good authority that the real reason she stepped down was that someone had put a pubic hair on her gavel. A black, tightly-coiled pubic hair…

  30. bankalchemist

    Just think Clarence can put on those elf outfits for the Holiday Season and with his banking buddies Jeff Nash & Brian Kelly who support the road show as Mr Footlong from Austin Tx to Napa Ca, the new show is appearing for L.D.Silver the second coming. bankalchemist.

Comments are closed.