breaking: airport security sucks

Petulant Libertarian Blogger Refuses TSA Grope, Is Threatened With Suit


Hey, here’s the early winner of America’s “Who Can Be the Most Obnoxious To TSA” contest, a guy calling himself “Johnny Edge.” Cool name! Very libertarian! Very comic book! This guy went into San Diego’s airport with the sole purpose of antagonizing the TSA security guys and catching them on his iPhone’s video thing, and it worked, because when he freaked out and told them he was going to sue them for trying to sexually assault his “junk,” they weren’t quite sure how to handle it.

He said that once I start the screening in the secure area, I could not leave until it was completed. Having left the area, he stated, I would be subject to a civil suit and a $10,000 fine… He again asserted the necessity that I return to the screening area. When I asked why, he explained that I may have an incendiary device and whether or not that was true needed to be determined… He told me that their procedures are on their website, and therefore, I was fully informed before I entered the airport; I had implicitly agreed to whatever screening they deemed appropriate.

Whoa! They won’t even let you get near the security line to make petulant YouTube videos without being subject to their crazy law zone. Seems like that sort of rule just breeds petulant YouTube videos, though.

Those TSA agents are very correct that you give up all rights to comfort and human decency when you enter an airport, whether it’s right or wrong. That happened a long time ago, and the security part of it made reg’lar ‘mericans feel safe to fly again after THE 9/11 TERROR BOO. Even though they weren’t really safer, them getting back on the planes helped save this (actually very important!) industry. But because security is an annoying, self-perpetuating industry itself, these regulations get slightly worse from time to time, because doing so comes at an exorbitant cost to the government, whether or not the handful of people who actually inform themselves about this stuff raises a stink. Welcome to America.

And now some poor TSA flunky will have to look at thousands of gross alien-looking American genitals for three seconds each from another room every single day. Wait, sorry, a PERSON KEN LAYNE WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH will look LUSTILY at KEN LAYNE AND HIS FAMILY’S GONADS SPECIFICALLY, because everyone wants to have sex with Ken Layne. And this will shoot some radiation at Ken Layne, like approximately every other electronic device in the world today.

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Meanwhile, airplanes will still be worth the multiple and varied and ever-compounding inconveniences and annoyances for the vast majority of people, because they are EXTREMELY FAST and GET TO DESTINATIONS ACROSS A WHOLE PLANET VERY QUICKLY and allow human beings to FLY THROUGH THE GODDAMN AIR LIKE AN INSANE BIRD. The end. [Johnny Edge]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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114 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    everyone knows that youtube videos are only successful if there is physical contact with junk, preferably via a kick in the nuts.

    greenman!!!

  2. Badonkadonkette

    I believe it was Patrick Henry, Founding Father, who said, "Give me total protection from harm and a robust system of welfare programs and public benefits without inconveniencing me or asking me to pay taxes, or I will piss and moan like a little bitch."

  3. natoslug

    Are you sure this was San Diego and not Australia? I'm pretty sure Australia's on the upside-down half of our planet. Or maybe that's Austria. I need a map, stat!

    1. genxr

      Nah. In Australia, passengers have to reenact scenes from "Puppetry of the Penis." It's the only way to be 100% sure.

  4. aguacatero

    I have always thought that libertarians had an upside-down view of the world, but now I see that it's only mostly upside-down.

    I hope the judge makes it a condition of his probation that he be probed at least three times a week. (This is what the Founders meant by probation of course).

  5. charlesdegoal

    Frequent sucker programs: if you fly enough miles they punish you by making you fly more miles. The radiation you get from security checks only adds to the radiation you receive while up in the air. Dicks will soon shine in the night.

    1. V572625694

      No no, the point of frequent flier miles is to get upgrades to "first" class. You'll still get a groin-grope from a mouth-breather, and if you're a woman with big boobs your pictures will be all over the TSA locker room bulletin board, but at least you'll get a free drink on the plane, which you can use to wash down the food-like materials they'll give you to eat.

      Unless you want a goddamn Martini, in which case you're outa luck. This country's going to hell so fast…

  6. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    More sexy times at an airport. Who knew they would become the epicenter of our society's mating rituals.

  7. natoslug

    Wow. Just finished the video, and now I understand physics that much better: An immoveable asshole meets an unstoppable douchebag results in me really wishing somebody, anybody really, in that video would take a taser to the nuts.

  8. PsycWench

    What would happen if SkoalBandit accidentally wandered into this super-secure part of the airport? How would they collect on the fine? How would they decide who had to watch the video/do the pat down? Also, who are these people with who Ken Layne would not have sex?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Pity the poor TSA guard. I'm sure SkoalBandit has a reflexive 'baccy juice spit when his junk is touched.

  9. SorosBot

    I'm torn; on the one hand, you've got the TSA security goons, and on the other, you've got a libertarian douchebag who, browsing through other posts on his blog, hates government doing its job, calls Social Security a Ponzi scheme and thinks the Holy Free Market could save the economy. Both are equally hateable.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Personally, I hope they start arming TSA people with tasers. It will give me immense pleasure to see one of these pissed-off minimum wage employees that are in the front line of airport security, tase the living shit out of one of these Libertarian douchenozzles that decide to use the security line as a forum to spew their anti-government hatred.

  10. CrunchyKnee

    Johnny Edge was one of my favorite cartoons as a child.

    Junk touching aint in the constitution, also too.

  11. freakishlywrong

    I have heard from certain anonymous sources that Ken Layne doesn't have the sexytime with bacon mouthed high school dropouts. Therefore, TSA agents are safe.

  12. GunTotingProgressive

    After the underwear bomber (or was it the shoe bomber?), I joked with a friend that in about 6 months we would be provided with TSA-issued Tyvek suits, forced to strip buck-nekkid under supervision, don said suits, and be Velcroed to a board which would be inserted into slots on the floor of the cabin. I didn't know at the time that this would be less intrusive than what the TSA had in store for us.

  13. edgydrifter

    This whole thing practically BEGS for a free-market, Randian solution. I propose the "V for Vendetta" crowd should bundle their unemployment checks (c'mon, Mom doesn't charge rent for that basement bachelor pad) and start rEVOLution Airlines.
    No seats, no "safety" belts, no flight attendants.
    Just a tube full of sweaty, flabby libertarians holding an overhead subway strap with one hand and clutching a complimentary Bowie knife in the other.
    The wisdom of the crowd will deal with any in-flight disruptions.

    1. genxr

      Fly Thunderdome Airlines! Your pilot, Captain Master Blaster, has just turned on the flying bungee strap sign. Chainsaws are located in the overhead bins.

    2. SorosBot

      Note that V for Vendetta involved a struggle against an actual Fascist government in Britain, one that was far right-wing like the actual historical fascists and designed as a totalitarian version of Thatcher's government. Alan Moore is no Randian, and designed Rorschach in Watchmen as a parody of Objectivism, and the libertarian morons show that they don't get his work in trying to appropriate it.

  14. Wadisay

    Sounds like "Edge" was venting his spleen. For the TSA's benefit, you can find Edge's spleen by reaching up his bum to your elbow and groping around for something that feels like a toaster oven.

  15. PsycWench

    I've learned a lot of things from Wonkette, not the least of which is "Beware the hidden camera phone".

  16. SayItWithWookies

    It's taken a couple of weeks, but Gropevember is finally getting cranked up — and I'm very much looking forward to learning things about homely peoples' genitals that I never imagined.

  17. metamarcisf

    All the government has to do is enforce the 2nd amendment and make every passenger dress in militia garb or Cap'n Crunch regalia and be allowed to board only if they're carrying a blunderbuss.

  18. sarjo

    Hold on tight, worthly Skum: I sense an insurrection brewing at Wonkette! Will we side with Ken (and lackey Riley) and maintain our personal outrage? Or will we back Jack, with his insouciant dismissal of Ol' Man Layne's bugaboo regarding virtual buggery at the hands of TSA agents?

    1. lumpenprole

      It is kinda lame, unless he's got someone running ahead announcing, "BEHOLD! Johnny Edge!" wherever he goes. Then it's okay.

  19. EatsBabyDingos

    When alien anal probes are outlawed, only outlaws and the TSA will have alien anal probes.

    And Ken Layne

  20. Mindblank

    I can't see what the big deal is about scanners. After looking at so many hoo-has, johnsons, and ho-hos, they're pretty much all the same. Also, we've always been treated like sheep by airlines. So, there's not much change there.

    1. zhubajie

      I don't know about the hoo-has or johnsons, but my research indicates that ho-hos are all individual! Although all interesting.

  21. Monsieur_Grumpe

    All I want to know is why Johnny Edge is always the guy ahead of me in the line at the airport.

  22. slappypaddy

    this is why i no longer fly. all the smart set are taking passenger trains these days, which speed us in comfort and safety wherever we could want to go. the pullman porters are always polite and professional, the sleeping cars are quiet and comfortable, and the dining cars are divine. and ever since the defense budget was cut to a sane, reasonable amount, and the savings poured into mass transit, the trains have been free! (that is, everyone pays a little for them through taxes, which, since the federal tax system was completely overhauled, rationalized, and made equitable, has been no trouble at all.)

    i'll see you on the midnight special! don't shine a light on me, i'll be sleeping, dreaming of peace, love, and understanding. and hot sex behind the coat rack at the uppity-come club.

    1. deleted5103330

      Passenger train passengers will eventually be scanned and groped too. Cruise-line passengers already are. You will just have to take your sexual humiliation like the rest of us. As we know from Abu Ghraib, it builds character. Or something.

    2. SorosBot

      The trains have been great ever since America followed the lead of just about every other developed nation on Earth from about twenty years ago and built high-speed lines that can get from city to city within a region much faster than driving and more cheaply and conveniently than flying.

    3. Gunner Asch

      And the trains are so secure, too! Just ask Winston Churchill about his fine adventure on the English armored train into Boer territory.

  23. Fare la Volpe

    This would never be a problem if we would just privatize airport security.

    "What's that, Mr. Bin Laden? You've bought a First Class Platinum Club Rich Motherf**ker Membership ticket? You don't need any of these silly "security" checks! Go right onto the plane, sir. See the cockpit, grope a flight attendant! No problem at all, sir.

    But you coach-buying hobos have to strip naked and hop on the Probe-ulator like everyone else. Chop chop!"

    Ah, the Invisible Hand at work.

  24. Failed_2_Menace

    As the Reverend Martin Luther King must have said a million times, "For civil disobedience to be truly effective, the protestor must forgo all pretense that he is merely shining a spotlight on an unacceptable state of affairs, and instead work tirelessly to be a public douchebag people want to see get the hose."

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Funny you should mention that, since one of Johnny Edge's fans fapped that his actions at SAN were comparable to those of Rosa Parks.

  25. deleted5103330

    People in this thread are unsympathetic just because Tyner is a libertarian. Remember that libtards are not wrong about everything. For example, they want to legalize marijuana.

    Anybody who opposes the porno-scanner-feel-you-up routine gets my support. I don't care if he's the ghost of Benito Mussolini.

  26. JoshuaNorton

    San Diego airport is offensive just by the very fact that it exists. It doesn't need any help from TSA to piss me off.

  27. DahBoner

    If you keep your junk in a locked box in the trunk, I'm pretty sure they need a warrant to get up in here.

  28. StillGoinGreen

    It's a sad day in America when you have to x-ray a muthafucker just to see her tits. Why doesn't the TSA just throw out some fucking mardi gras beads – that seems to get every gross bitch in America to show her shit to the world.

  29. Dances_For_Ham

    I love these "gotcha" videos. Only thing missing was his pimp costume and one of his bitches. I would happily buy the video of the TSA worker reaching "up there" and yanking out Mr. Edge's enlarged prostate gland, all gristly and what. I would also pay extra to see NMA media's animated version of the gland yanking.

  30. OneDollarJuana

    I just realized that these new TSA rules are likely to result in quite a few Republican congressmen "opting out" of the x-ray machine and "opting in" for the hand search. Keep your eyes open (or tightly closed if you can't take it).

  31. tcaalaw

    I'm a little bit unclear — so is the official Wonkette commentariat position now that having the choice of (a) getting nuked until you glow or (b) fondled by a community college drop-out is A-OK because someone we have a political disagreement with also suffers those same forms of harassment?

  32. axmxz

    I'm going to forego snark this time and side entirely with Don't-Grope-Me-Bro. Fuck the TSA and the Homeland Security horse it rode in on. Flying to see the family for the holidays is enough of an ordeal without getting irradiated and groped into the bargain.

    We should do what they did in Germany and organize an "Airport Nudie" protest. They want to see our junk? Fine! Let EVERYONE see it. Safety!

  33. Chet Kincaid

    Johnny Edge is a guitar superhero who sets himself on fire, then plays delayed doorbell-chime harmonics on a one-stringed Strat.

  34. lochnessmonster

    Thank godness for my netbook. I don't know how you could view this video on a desktop computer other than standing on your head.

  35. DashboardBuddha

    I had an angry on the way home from work tonight. I was listening to NPR talking about the new procedures. They interviewed some travelers and they were all, "hey, I rather have a picture than be touched." Ok, ok…airport security, I get it to a point, but what the DHS did is buy a bunch of machines that may or may not work while at the same time may or may not (probably) give you some kind of radioactive hoodoo. At the same time, if there was ANYONE left who didn't want to get dosed, they came up with these new Pedobear pat down techniques. Really? You can't tell if I have a gun in my asscheeks with the outside of your fingers? Mr. and Mrs. Ovis Aries, you have been duped.

  36. FlipOffResearch

    I kept expecting to see Shelly Winters crawling along the ceiling. This clip reminded me of The Poseidon Adventure.

  37. brtndr

    Wow, Mr. Jack Stuef , judging from most of the comments on your article, you have a very impressive group of Neo-Leftist fans, ranging from cowardly brain dead men, to bitterly brainwashed woman who just love the federal tyranny taking place in airports around the country . Congratulations, because you probably think that’s a compliment.

    Here’s a suggestion for Jack Stuef and all of his loyal fans who thinks it’s funny to laugh at this young man for demonstrating a little back bone, and standing-up for his basic human right, not to be molested in public by a bunch of mental midgets wearing TSA badges in positions of petty government power and authority.

    Instead, of spending all your time surfing the net to get your New Leftist giggle points from this pathetic Jon Stewart wannabe. Why don’t all of you go on-line, and buy an expensive airline ticket, then go to an airport and get needlessly radiated by a Full Naked Body Scanner, after having your breast needlessly fondled, and your genitals grabbed and squeezed by idiot ex-cons working for the government, because they couldn’t get a job cleaning toilets.

    And if you have a wife, or a girlfriend or a child? Bring them along too, and we’ll see if you still think it’s funny after watching your child scream and cry while being molested by a TSA pervert in public.

  38. doloras

    Well, Glenn Beck should get pornoscanned and fondled wherever he goes, surely, but apart from him, yep.

  39. MilwaukeeKent

    Most of talk radio was on this subject today, heavy rotation. Funny the Right finally gets upset since up to this point it's all been "I don't care what you do just keep my lilly-white ass safe!" Wait, it actually involves MY ass? Civil Liberties outrage! Where the hell were this asshats on warrantless wiretapping, etc., etc.? NOW they discover that the Constitution has more than two amendments…

    Twits. And for once I agree with them.

  40. Just_A_Citizen

    I registered specifically for the opportunity to thank you for ridiculing Ken Layne's baffling reaction to commonplace security measures. Thank you for pointing fun at Ken's clearly-broadcast terror that a person will ever touch his no-no part.

  41. mumbly_joe

    So the real take-away lesson is that this is the wrong way to deal with security kabuki theater.

    Instead, when confronted with security kabuki theater, one should go with the flow: slow-dance while chanting rhythmically, and sing a song about oni and wisteria blossoms.

    It might also help if you fill a carry-on with nothing other than authentic Edo-period erotic woodcuts- you know, for the TSA agents to look at, instead of your junk.

  42. jtarrowood

    I don't get it. Is it that you hate libertarians so much that you refuse to agree even on issues where its obvious that you should, like blatant civil rights abuses? Or is it that you refuse to admit that the Obama administration could do any wrong? Because we can damned sure of one thing: if this policy had come about under the Bush administration, you'd have had a much different reaction.

Comments are closed.