IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:45 am November 15, 2010

Poor Rich People Might Have To Pay Taxes Eventually

by Riley Waggaman

This rich person used to be able to afford the most expensive Rentboy. But now he is poor, because of taxes.

  • If this doesn’t make your blood boil with anger, nothing will: Barack Obama might not give super rich people permanent tax exempt status! If Obama taxes rich people, how are they supposed to create new jobs, in India/China/anywhere but here? At this point it doesn’t really even matter. Obama couldn’t redistribute the white man’s Wealth even if he tried his hardest, since we already live in a terrible Banana Republic in which “the richest 1 percent of Americans now take home almost 24 percent of income.” The rest of us squat in bedbug-infested foreclosed condos and eat re-refried beans and McDonald’s McSadness sandwiches. And John Boehner might as well take our Social Security too, because most of us won’t even live long enough to enjoy our first adult diaper poop — because who can afford adult diapers? We will just have to poop our pants, and then die. Yay. [WSJ]
  • Charlie Rangel’s corruption hearing begins today! The House Ethics Committee has charged Charlie with thirteen counts of Unethical and/or Rude Behavior, including “failing to pay taxes on a home in the Dominican Republic, misuse of a rent-controlled apartment for political purposes, improper use of government mail service and letterhead” and “being such a snappy dresser” (guilty as charged!). Rangel has stated publicly that he is extremely “stupid” but “not corrupt.” So basically he’s going with the Blagojevich Defense. [CNN]
  • Joe Miller’s goon squad has challenged about 7,000 write-in ballots, probably because thousands of voters put a little heart above the “i” in Lisa’s name, instead of dotting it properly with a skull and crossbones — or maybe Alaska Latinos voted for “┬íLisa Murkowski!” which is very confusing because isn’t the iLisa some sort of wireless Steve Jobs iTrinket? Yes, it is. And that is why determining voter intent is such a tricky business. Murkowski is trailing Miller by 8,820 votes, but ballot tabulation will continue through Wednesday, and Lisa has already received 89 percent of undisputed write-in votes. Uh, if Joe Miller wins, we are moving to the Moon. [AP]
 
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{ 102 comments }

James Michael Curley November 15, 2010 at 8:49 am

I'm investing in Prozac.

DashboardBuddha November 15, 2010 at 8:51 am

I'm bullish on Xanex and Scotch myself.

V572625694 November 15, 2010 at 9:15 am

It's funny how on the pill bottles they tell you not to take them w/booze. It's almost like a recipe.

prommie November 15, 2010 at 9:53 am

Its xanax and gin for me. Lately its not working anymore, but I hear that heroin is cheaper and more readily available than ever, so there's always that, as we continue our irreversible slide towards oligarchical fundamentalist savagery.

DashboardBuddha November 15, 2010 at 10:10 am

"oligarchical fundamentalist savagery" – Wonderful and accurate description.

Also, I will probably be making the move to vodka or gin since it's less expensive than the scotch I like. Of course, I can always go with Clan MacGregor scotch (close to the floor, meant for the poor). Maybe I can just distill my own tears into a bitter brew of sadness.

genxr November 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Ah, once again a single-malt portfolio pays off for the thirsty investor!

deanbooth November 15, 2010 at 9:05 am

Also a good investment: Toilet paper on a stick.

James Michael Curley November 15, 2010 at 9:19 am

I do not want to know or meet anyone who bought that item.

Sparky_McGruff November 15, 2010 at 9:48 am

I suspect there may be a significant overlap between those who are so large they need to ride the jazzy scooter, and those who are so large they need utensils to wipe. And, furthermore, an overlap with those who enjoy McRib sandwiches several times a week. Now, that's a Teabagger Venn diagram.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 15, 2010 at 10:06 am

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

OneDollarJuana November 15, 2010 at 10:16 am

Thank you very much! This answers a question that has been dogging me for years.

Oh, I have one more question: is the Comfort Wipe dishwasher-safe?

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2010 at 11:34 am

I am sooo not clicking that link.

JoeMamased November 15, 2010 at 8:55 am

“the richest 1 percent of Americans now take home almost 24 percent of income.”

Who says there's no upward mobility?

trampndirtdown November 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

It should start trickling down anytime now, ghost Raygun told me so.

Negropolis November 15, 2010 at 11:41 pm

Yeah, money has got some strong legs. Must be the squats.

Texan_Bulldog November 15, 2010 at 9:02 am

"because most of us won’t even live long enough to enjoy our first adult diaper poop"

Well, well, well–poor, misunderstood David Vitter was just ahead of his time on this then.

PsycWench November 15, 2010 at 9:49 am

He's a trailblazer, that one. Maybe he was all about quality control – the Ralph Nader of Depends.

horsedreamer_1 November 15, 2010 at 12:11 pm

See, & all this time, I heard Vitter's BM is unsafe, at any speed.

4TheTurnstiles November 15, 2010 at 9:02 am

I'm ready for a Popular Unity government: nationalize what natural resources we have left (porn, ammunition, obesity), export the excess, and wait for Nixon to kill us all and install a closet-case military dictator.

Sorry, I can never get this shit to end right.

fuflans November 15, 2010 at 9:55 am

we also have cheese.

trampndirtdown November 15, 2010 at 10:13 am

in caves

natoslug November 15, 2010 at 9:03 am

If I didn't have cousins in Alaska whom I actually cared about, I'd say the state deserved its Joe Millertime. Can't they just admit it's too confusing having a battle between the repubs and give it to that adorable mustachio'd butterball, McAdams? It's time a weeble represented Alaska!

Terry November 15, 2010 at 9:46 am

Isn't McAdams' Tribal name something like "truck sized orca"?

x111e7thst November 15, 2010 at 9:03 am

Looks like it's time for Joe the Miller to move back to Kansas. He can improve his days cultivating federal farm subsidies and trying to grow a real beard.

Serolf_Divad November 15, 2010 at 9:13 am

The quickest, surefire way to eliminate the deficit is fourfold:

(1) Eliminate Foreign Aid (Especially the money we send to Al Quaeda): $960 Billion annual savings.
(2) Deport all illegal aliens: $1.2 Trillion in annual savings.
(3) Eliminate PBS: $900 Billion in annual savings.
(4) Eliminate all taxes (including Federal and State income taxes, sales taxes) and replace them with a 1% flat tax (this alone would generate $30 Trillion in additional revenue).

At least that's what a perfectly sensible dude I met at a Tea Party rally told me, just before explaining how Barack Obama's real birth certificate is held, under 24 hour guard, in a safe in the vaultsof the Council on Foreign Relations.

V572625694 November 15, 2010 at 9:17 am

You forgot the constitutional amendments banning flag burning and gay marriage. That'll save billions.

James Michael Curley November 15, 2010 at 9:27 am

I spent the whole late summer and fall trying to recall who Tea Party Candidate Anna Little resembled and sounded like. Finally saw her in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It's Delores Umbridge. "Imelda Staunton plays Dolores Umbridge, a cross between Margaret Thatcher and Hyacinth Bucket." http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/reviews/arti

comrad_darkness November 15, 2010 at 9:34 am

You forgot
(5) Cancel Black Helicopter Harassment program: $330 Billion in savings
(6) Close Area 51, $800 Billion in savings, but that's only until the aliens come and rescue all our bovines in retaliation.

Serolf_Divad November 15, 2010 at 9:56 am

You know, if the government would just market the knowledge they've gained from examining captured UFO's we wouldn't have to pay taxes… EVER. We could live off the royalties the Japanese and Chinese pay us in perpetuity for the right to use all the new technologies we produce.

Not_So_Much November 15, 2010 at 11:09 am

Anime anal-probing our way to fiscal security.

HedonismBot November 15, 2010 at 10:19 am

If they just burned the original certificate (they don't want it to ever see the light of day anyway, so why not do away with it?) they could save money on the 24-hour guard. Even NObama's coverups are wasting resources.

Vinnie Saltine November 16, 2010 at 7:31 am

if you can save $30 Trillion in additional revenue by restructuring taxes, then you can keep spending on items #1and 3 as the current deficit is ~$14 Trillion.

ManchuCandidate November 15, 2010 at 9:15 am

Um… rich people?

Taxes are required because it's pretty much the only revenue stream the gubbiment really has. Since you stopped paying out real wages to US Americuh nobobies and inferiors and wiped out the middle class… well, you're the tax base. I know it's not easy because you're a bunch of selfish undiagnosed sociopaths who think that it is your god given right to have everything, but where you going to go? Who else has a phalanx of nukular missiles and fleets of aircraft carriers to protect your flabby interests? China? Oh please. Can't go hiding behind the Maginot Line of white fat wall of bitters (even if they're on Rascals) forever.

BerkeleyBear November 15, 2010 at 9:44 am

We could go back to the old way of collecting revenue, with heavy import and excise taxes, tarriffs and tax collectors who get a piece of everything they collect – but somehow I don't think our Wal-Martian overlords would be happy with 400% markups on Chinese plastic crap (given how much they bitch about anti-dumping duties as it is).

slithytovesss November 15, 2010 at 9:15 am

Interestingly, our mortality rate is being tagged to our "deteriorating health care system." Yeah, but I hear we're really good at liposuctions and boob jobs. Too bad those can't help cancer and whooping cough, though there is some remediation there for obesity.

prommie November 15, 2010 at 9:55 am

Thats a brilig comment. Made me all mimsy.

slithytovesss November 15, 2010 at 10:02 am

Are you miserable then, or a vagina? http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/mimsy

Moonbat November 15, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Yes.

horsedreamer_1 November 15, 2010 at 10:06 am

Best Health Care in the World.

USA! USA! USA!

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 15, 2010 at 10:14 am

We lead the world in treatment of Botox Deficiency Syndrome.

Office_39 November 15, 2010 at 9:15 am

Voting for Democrats seems to give Republicans more power to do things their way. Maybe Democratic Party fan boys are doing this thing wrong.

Terry November 15, 2010 at 9:42 am

Here's the problem.

When Democrats are in power, they try to make the Republican majority happy. When the Republicans are in power, they tell the Demcrats to go suck it.

fuflans November 15, 2010 at 10:02 am

to be fair, the 1% don't think this is a problem.

Office_39 November 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm

/me innocently asks: "What can we do, Terry?"

freakishlywrong November 15, 2010 at 9:17 am

All snark aside, if Obarmar and the squishy Dems cave on the so called "tax hikes for the job creators", that will be it for me. Waterloo as it were.

Serolf_Divad November 15, 2010 at 9:29 am

Rest easy: Obama absolutely, definitely, in no way will cave. Never.

What he will do is "compromise." And by that I mean that Democrats will only temporarily extend the tax cuts until the GOP has enough votes to permanently extend them. And GAO deficit projections will not include the cost of the tax cuts because they are set to expire (ha, ha, ha, ha!) in two years.

prommie November 15, 2010 at 9:55 am

Please, don't ever put all snark aside, it hurts.

Sgt_Biyatch November 15, 2010 at 10:16 am

He will cave. As much as this is a no-brainer, it does require a spine, something which the Dems severely lack.

SorosBot November 15, 2010 at 9:26 am

But if we increase the top marginal rate on the wealthy a little bit, it'll ruin the economy and increase the deficit because of Reaganomics-bullshit-that's-been-empirically-proven-not-to-work-but-wingers-support-anyway.

GOPCrusher November 15, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Well, you know that's the reason that millions of jobs haven't been created since the tax cuts were put in to effect. The uncertainty that a black man running as a Democrat may be elected President, and wants that money back to help balance the budget.

Katydid November 15, 2010 at 9:39 am

I don't see how Murkowski is better (for us) than Miller, and she's a lot worse for comedy. She's already said she'll caucus with the Republicans, and she'll probably work overtime to move to the right to prove to them she's one of them.

Why is it again we're so concerned that she win? She's going to vote like a fuck anyway. How much worse can his votes be than hers? And she'll be worse, because she has seniority. All the bills he might propose will be too wacky for anyone except other baggers to vote on. And he'll embarrass the GOP endlessly. That's worth a lot, isn't it?

Unless you live in Alaska, you should be rooting for Miller, again, for the comedy. Think of the page views for Our Beloved Wonkette! What am I missing here?

V572625694 November 15, 2010 at 9:45 am

Wow, this takes all the fun out of Joe-Miller-defeated schadenfreude. Of course you're right, but please have a little restraint on the truth-telling: it's Monday morning, and some of us haven't started drinking yet.

JoeMamased November 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

it's Monday morning, and some of us haven't started drinking yet.

Slacker.

It's always Miller Time, especially since Nov. 2.

Katydid November 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

Oh, god, you're right, I apologize. My only excuse is it's Monday morning. I'll stop, right after I respond to Terry below.

Terry November 15, 2010 at 9:47 am

Yes, Miller would be more entertaining but some of us are becoming concerned at the number of certifiably insane people in Congress. Murkowski may have gotten her job via nepotism, but she is from all observations sane.

chickensmack November 15, 2010 at 9:55 am

That, and she may have successfully pulled off the ding-dangedest mother lovin' phantom-creepy hand-cuffin' October Surprise of 'em all.

Terry November 15, 2010 at 10:02 am

As an added bonus, she's foiling Palin's plans.

V572625694 November 15, 2010 at 11:18 am

Didn't I unintentionally see a porno DVD called "Foilin' Palin's Pants" or something like that?

horsedreamer_1 November 15, 2010 at 10:09 am

& a definite body-blow to Palin. Even if Sarah has gone mum over Joe Miller in the days since the election, there's no doubt to whom his star was tethered. & if he loses — whoa! Maybe she's not invincible.

Or maybe that will go right over POLITICO's head.

(Jim van de Hei blows goats.)

Katydid November 15, 2010 at 10:03 am

Yes, but insane baggers are more embarrassing to the GOP, no? And they'll vote the same way. Oh, maybe I'm being too cynical, even for Wonkette. I just don't know, but no more serious today!

SorosBot November 15, 2010 at 9:58 am

On the one hand, Murkowski's pulling a Lieberman ruined the chance of the Democrats actually picking up a Senate seat in Alaska. On the other, a loss for Miller is a loss for Sarah Palin, and what's bad for Palin is good for America.

comrad_darkness November 15, 2010 at 11:42 am

I'm rooting for her just to screw over Rove's pale butt-face cheeked mocking prediction. Otherwise, meh.

Terry November 15, 2010 at 9:40 am

"Uh, if Joe Miller wins, we are moving to the Moon."

Look at it this way. If he wins and follows DeMint's example and blocks all earmarks to his state, the rest of us will have a lot more money. Additionally, the resulting anger and chaos in Alaska will be entertaining to watch.

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2010 at 10:12 am

"Ice Road Warriors", coming soon on The History Channel.

bitchincamaro2 November 15, 2010 at 9:41 am

I think it was Joe McGinniss in his book about the Nixon campaign of '68 who exposed the Republican strategy of "the big lie"; the larger the whopper, the more likely it will be accepted by the voting public. When the CBO offers proof that lowering taxes is last on a list of 11 effective methods of stimulating the economy and these putzes insist it's number 1…well the "big lie" is now shooting steroids directly into its eyeballs.

prommie November 15, 2010 at 9:56 am

Can't wait for his book on the snowbilly grifter clan!

James Michael Curley November 15, 2010 at 10:04 am

Read "Selling of the President" way back in 'Nam when I had endless tours of punishment guard duty to read. With the numberous references in McGuiness, the next book I read was Mein Kempf. That pleased the XO to no end.

chickensmack November 15, 2010 at 9:43 am

Can we has interweb and wonkette on the moon?

PsycWench November 15, 2010 at 9:47 am

Blagojevich defense = My Hair Made Me Do It?

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 15, 2010 at 10:18 am

Charlie has some fine-ass hair, you've got to admit.

He's the John Ensign for the rest of us.

WarAndGee November 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

Meh, tax break extensions, I don't mind, I thank the rich for my freedoms like "real Americans" should. And I know they would die for this country if they couldn't pay their way out of doing so.

fuflans November 15, 2010 at 10:04 am

i read the story as:

Poor Rich People Might Have To Pay TEXAS, eventually

and it all made a lot of sense.

HedonismBot November 15, 2010 at 10:14 am

In Texas, taxes pay YOU!
No, wait. Not Texas. I mean Wyoming, Utah, Alaska, and other states with zilch for population that suck more off the federal teat than they give back.

BeWoot November 15, 2010 at 10:05 am

Oklahoma=America tomorrow?
“With fear and hate, you really rally up a lot of supporters.”

I don't feel so good.

4TheTurnstiles November 15, 2010 at 10:10 am

Solution: Democrats need to figure out how to put shit on the ballot that brings out the base. Give them more than one reason to vote. The GOP uses bullshit items like the legal right to hunt bear with laser-guided dick missles just to bring 'em out of the holler and vote the rest of the ballot idiotically.

horsedreamer_1 November 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

Libertad para Rangel! Libertad para Rangel! No se puede hacer eso a mi gente!

DCHatesMe November 15, 2010 at 10:13 am

Cut a hole in the ice. Put up a sign that says "George Bush Tax Cuts Here", and when the rich people jump up to get their tax cuts, club them to death like baby seals.

widestanceroman November 15, 2010 at 10:34 am

All well and good, but who wants a coat made out of liver-spotted tanning-bed leather? On the other hand, there's no reason why they can't just rot where they drop, so, yeah, let's go clubbing.

comrad_darkness November 15, 2010 at 11:44 am

No no no, feed them to sharks, then eat the sharks.

Or just feed them to pigs. I hear pigs eat people just fine. (File that under: Shit I learned on Wonkette)

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Pigs and chickens are alike in that they will eat almost anything.
Turkeys, however, can be relatively finicky.

(Fun Farm Facts from Caveman's hippie sister)

EdFlintstone November 15, 2010 at 10:17 am

Thank god America, with it's informed electorate, rejected the demoncrats and their "wealth redistribution." Note: There will be a company meeting later this week. We plan to discuss the following topics: elimination of our traditional pension plan, the across the board 5% pay cut for all hourly employees, reduction of hours to reduce full time employees requiring health insurance, the move of our production facility to China and the relocation of our headquarters to a post office box in the Cayman Islands. We hope with these necessary, shared sacrifices, our shareholders and executives can eke out a few hundred million more in stock options.

HistoriCat November 15, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Won't someone think of the executives? You might need to pick up the slack … wash the exec's car or do his laundry. It's the least you can do.

genxr November 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I lost my job because stoopid dimorats wouldn't let my employer cut may pay to $1/day. Boss said it was uncertainty about tax cuts or sumpin.

PsycWench November 15, 2010 at 10:20 am

Snark aside, these meme for figuring out how to fix the budget has been going around on Facebook: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/11/13/wee… . If the basic math is correct, there is no way the budget shortfall can be resolved without tax increases of one form or another.

EdFlintstone November 15, 2010 at 10:33 am

Ive been sending that to everyone I know, I suprised how easy it was to get to surplus. I didnt even go after the federal workers or raise medicare and social secuirty ages.

Sgt_Biyatch November 15, 2010 at 10:37 am

By increase, you mean "return to pre-W levels"…and we all know how crappy the economy and how high the deficit was from '92 to '00.
But then, logic has no place in the new gubmint.

glindsey1979 November 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm

You can, but only if you include military spending cuts, which we all know would NEVER happen.

MinAgain November 15, 2010 at 11:00 am

Speling is overated.

spinozasgod November 15, 2010 at 11:08 am

Don't they(the socialists with a capital D)realize that the only reason there have been ANY jobs over the last 10 years is because of the rich folk well deserved tax relaxation program?

spinozasgod November 15, 2010 at 11:09 am

I believe you mean Republican bananas.

spinozasgod November 15, 2010 at 11:11 am

maybe bananas Republicans?

donner_froh November 15, 2010 at 11:16 am

I know that Alaska is "different" from the rest of the country (in the way that Trig is "different" from other kids) but the fact that Joe Miller got enough votes to make a tabulation of the write-ins necessary shows that statehood should be revoked–make Alaska a colony of Hawaii.

SorosBot November 15, 2010 at 11:19 am

Or else I need more coffees. Fuck, it's Monday morning and I spent most of Sunday packing.

CrankyLttlCamperette November 15, 2010 at 11:22 am

Dammit, there's got to be a "Republican Bananas" joke in here someplace! What is wrong with me today?

HurricaneAli November 15, 2010 at 11:34 am

Oh my gosh, you are so smart, Riley! The Lisa is an ACTUAL for realz Apple computer model which I guess is the equivalent of getting "Lisa" tattooed on as a tramp stamp for computer geeks.

HurricaneAli November 15, 2010 at 11:36 am

Also RE: McSadness sandwich: Is this a limited-time food offering, like the McRib? Because I'd really like to jump on that bandwagon being a trend-setter and a poor.

zhubajie November 16, 2010 at 8:28 am

Sell it to Japan! Bristol and Willow can have careers in J-porn! Levi too!

NorthStarSpanx November 15, 2010 at 11:44 am

In paranoid Joe Miller's world, Alaska's voter intent is like Nixon's Silent Majority.

I'm sure we all wished with our pro-life little hearts that a serially flawed grifter like Sarah-in-Tie would represent half of our make-up in the U.S. Senate.

mavenmaven November 15, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Reaganomics? That's nuclear physics compared to the conspiracy theories and Bircher nonsense the tea baggers are believing these days. We're facing Skousenomics now!

aious November 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm

What makes the tax-rich arguments so funny is that 99.9% of those that are "outraged" can't even do their own taxes but DAMMIT, Fox News told them that taxing the rich was going to cause the collapse of America!

genxr November 15, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Yeah they work together. First the Old Navy invades to establish a Banana Republic, which can then exploit the GAP between rich and poor.

I can't blame anyone for joining the Old Navy. They're not doing it for politics, they just want a good deal on cargo shorts. Now those rich fuckers at Banana Republic, they're the ones in charge. And if you're shopping at the GAP, then you should just admit you are a conquered people.

transfatz November 15, 2010 at 11:52 pm

The only thing as lame as a tax cut for the rich is the poor person who supports it.

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