Maybe you’re not the type of person who enjoys the groping supplied by the porno-cancer scanners or its radiation-free alternative, the hot and heavy pat down. Maybe you reserve the look-y looks at your genitals for the nice people you meet at crowded, dark bars, as opposed to the TSA agents who come after you in the name of Freedom? But if you can’t get a good groping at the airport, what does this mean for our national pastime of sexytime in public places?
Being the great service journalists we are, here are some places in D.C. where, if groping occurs, no one will write a rant about it on The Internet (also known as “great make-out spots”):
- The monuments, at night (bonus if it’s lightly raining)
- Hains Point
- Alexandria Waterfront
- The balcony at the Uptown movie theater
- Metro escalator (so long as all activities occur on the right hand side and in no way obstruct the ability of others to walk up/down the escalator on the left side)
- Observation deck at the Newseum
- Saint-Ex, Grand Central, any Bridge and Tunnel bar or bar in the Herpes Triangle where dance floor make outs are standard, as is leaving without your dignity
And, here are some activities that, unlike going through security at an airport, should (though no guarantees!) lead to groping (also known as “great date ideas”):
- Dinner at a romantic restaurant: try Bistro Lepic, Tabard Inn, Zentan, or 1789, especially now, when it’s all dressed up for the holidays
- Sharing cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery: In some circles, the purchasing of a cupcake from Crumbs Bakery for your significant other is a thing that will, guaranteed, result in groping
- Going for a bike ride on Beach Drive in Rock Creek Park
- Taking a day trip to Old Town Alexandria
- Ice skating at the Sculpture Garden Ice Skating Rink
- Going to the theater: Check out “The Odd Couple” at Theater J, the new Second City show at Woolly Mammoth, or a free show at the Kennedy Center’sMillennium Stage
- Attending a couples cooking class at Culinaerie
- Chasing Food Trucks around the city
{ 46 comments }
An AMC Theatre, you say?
(Makes mental note.)
I don't mind being groped by airport security, but if I don't get at least a parting kiss and a next-day phone call, then I'm just going to feel cheap and used.
Or a vendor coupon to use in that particular airport for godsake!
Stand and be
gropedcounted!FYI, tipping the TSA gropers, specifically stuffing ones in their khakis, is apparently highly frowned upon and deemed extremely offensive.
Damn right. That's what the Bubble Room is for.
Homerland Sechscureity has turned the old fashioned table dance on its head.
Doh!
Hold the bill between your teeth or stick it on your forehead, Newbie.
I'd like to add the National Arboretum. All those lovely trees and flowers and vast, open spaces (plus cool columns that used to be on the Capitol). The Moonlight Walks are good for sexxytime, too. http://www.usna.usda.gov/ The bonsai is sort of grope-inducing, too, in a Japanese way.
Plus: FREE.
in a Japanese way
Tentacles?
I was thinking sort of Asian romantic little tree way, but tentacles work. Kang and Kodos sexxytime?
If you know of a better way to exchange long protein strings, I'd like to hear it.
Illustrations of the bonsai grope can be found in the Kama Sutra.
i prefer to be groped in the house. though i always feel dirty afterwards, i can always make it pay off, especially in these days of miniscule recording devices.
that was all lies. the only time i was groped was on a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair. it was done by a cop. he wasn't looking for contraband.
that's not all true, either. he was a security guard.
and that wasn't the only time. i was groped in a nightclub where i worked. it was crowded and dark.
and the wife gropes me frequently, but hey, that's all right. sanctity of marriage and all that. i grope her, too. it's fun! then we take our clothes off and roll around in the catnip.
Was there also a warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air?
yeah, my car reeked in those days. all you had to do was sit down in it, you'd get high.
The House is fine, but what about the Senate?
house controls the purse strings. senate's the tits on the bull.
Wonkette, have I ever mentioned, I was groped in an airport, by a comely fine bonita, in Mexico on a return flight to the US last year?
She clutched my cellphone tightly from outside my trousers, looked up at me, smiled, and ran her latex clad hands down the inside of my leg and then quickly up across my nipples; the left one obscured by a pack of Life Savers brand breath mints inside my pocket (They are refreshing hhhuhhhh). She continued her beaming smile, her young brown eyes gazing into mine, desire and passion heaved forth.
She 's going to ask me about my pocket protrusions I thought.
"Ok you can go,"she said.
Damn.
I will see you again this winter my dear Mexican TSA counterpart. We'll go hiking in the mountains. Grrrrr .
We need to go back to that old Scottish tradition of wearing kilts. Let those balls hang free when you fly….
There's already (ahem) a growing movement…
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2010/11/blog-wear-kilt…
damn straight. we can tie blue bows on our wangers, too.
"I dinna ken where ye been, and I dinna ken wha' ye been doin'. but it's proud I am that ye won first prize."
I was growing concerned about where I could get my grope on. Thank you Wonkette!
I only let my airport groping take place in the bathroom stalls.
a true republican. what are you doing at wonkette? seeing how the other 99.44 percent lives?
You have to admire a man who's so secure in his masculinity that he wears pink panties to the airport.
Awwww, you're getting me all sentimental. The Tabard Inn + the WWII Memorial + plenty of groping + a year and half = 1 wife.
You missed a great one. The Catacombs replica over near Catholic University and the monastery on Quincy St NE.
Hey, dude must read Wonkette. He took my idea. Tent Poles in Speedos Unite!
DON'T TASE MY JUNK, BRO 1!!!111!!
How fucking dare anyone out there make fun of my junk after all it has been through.!
It lost it's aunt, It went through a divorce. It had two fuckin kids.
Its owner turned out to be a user, a cheater, and now my junk is going through a custody battle. All you people care about is….. readers and making money off of it..
It's A HUMAN! (ah! ooh!) What you don’t realize is that my junk is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about it.
My junk hasn’t performed on stage in years. It's song is called “give me more” for a reason because all you people want is MORE! MORE-MORE, MORE: MORE!.
LEAVE MY JUNK ALONE! ! You are lucky it even performed for you BASTARDS!
LEAVE MY JUNK ALONE!…..Please.
What about the mens room of the Republican caucus?
Somehow, I knew Wonkette wouuld be pro-grope. I, personally, prefer a private grope by the opposite sex type of groper…but that's just me, whatever blows your skirt up, is your own business.
Being the great service journalists we are, here are some places in D.C. where, if groping occurs, no one will write a rant about it on The Internet (also known as “great make-out spots”):
You forgot the Men's Showers and Steam Room at the Republican Club.
Perhaps when in the security line at the airport we could all just strip down to our skivvies and act like it's all perfectly natural.
I presume members of the Wonkette staff did their field research by being groped in all of these places, for Journamalizm.
Snark aside, this freaks me out. Several of my good friends live in areas where driving to visit from here simply isn't practical. I've been trying to decide which is less invasive, degrading, and likely to trigger PTSD flashbacks in rape victims, the porno scan or the cop-a-feel, and I honestly can't decide.
I don't get out so I do my groping at home. Alone.
Why would I want to be groped by an amateur? I've been successfully groping my own junk for decades with no muss, no fuss, no fear of pregnancy, STD's or arrest by overzealous authorities. Plus, I know the territory like the front of my hand, so fuck off, TSA.
Sir, you have a way with words! And, you don't beat around the bush. Also.
But I would, if I could just find a half-way decent and willing bush.
Hey! That guy in the pink skivvies is an escapee from Sheriff Arapaio's prison!!
The Old Redneck is too damned old to grope or be groped, although he does have vague recollections of something that happened now and then in the backseat of a '57 Chevy.
However, Daughter Redneck — who is a high-powered D.C. attorney and is a single lady of a certain age — delivered her comment on TSA groping.
She said the only people she's heard pissing and moaning about being groped by TSA are men who start that "get your hands off my junk" routine. Men are worked up about TSA groping because they don't have to see their ob-gyn once a year.
Daughter Redneck said the women she knows agree that, after having undergone annual pelvic exams for several years, TSA's through-the-clothing groping is hardly noticeable.
Ahhhh!!!! Just took a long, hot shower and now I have the cleanest junk in town. Wanna see?
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