FIGHT THE PORNO CANCER TSA  12:25 am November 13, 2010

TSA Says It’s ‘Irresponsible’ To Legally Opt-Out of Porno-Cancer Scanners

by Ken Layne

TSA porn scanner machine grope horror (search engine optimization)Oh lookee, the nation’s primary employer of high-school dropouts stealing your laptop and feeling up your 13-year-old daughter in airport security lines now says it’s “irresponsible” for you to opt-out of being stuck into a dangerous radiation chamber that produces x-ray porno pictures of Americans paying hundreds or thousands of dollars to fly on a plane. The Washington Post and CNN are among the mainstream media organizations now reporting on the nationwide backlash against TSA’s insane, dangerous and morally reprehensible groping and porno-tubing of American air travelers. And the TSA doesn’t like that!

“It is irresponsible for a group to suggest travelers opt out of the very screening that could prevent an attack using non-metallic explosives,” TSA Administrator John S. Pistole said. “This technology is not only safe, it’s vital to aviation security and a critical measure to thwart potential terrorist attacks.”

Really? It’s irresponsible to refuse to be groped and irradiated and photographed naked by the low-IQ goons of an inept federal bureaucracy? That’s irresponsible? It’s irresponsible to refuse to allow halfwit security guards to fondle the genitals of our children and grandparents? It’s irresponsible for people to finally say they’ve had it with the idiot kabuki theater of TSA security checkpoints?

Funny, because the last “OH MAH GOD TERRORISTS GETTING US” freakout was, we believe, over toner cartridges shipped by UPS. And, uh, the 9/11 hijackers could’ve all been patted down, greased up, anally probed, photographed for Playgirl and sucked off by a chorus line of TSA cretins and that still wouldn’t have made a difference in 2001.

Anyway, hooray for American businesses and American people (for once!), because a whole bunch of ‘em are saying, “No, we won’t be climbing into your cancer generators just so a couple of slobs who couldn’t get hired at Arby’s get to wank off to our naked x-ray pix.” One airline after another is telling pilots to refuse the death scans, while some 41 million domestic airline flights have been “avoided” in the past two years as anyone with another option has simply quit flying in this country — that alone has cost the airline industry and the American economy more than $8 billion.

Whatever these TSA people come up with, as far as “airport security,” is just to waste billions of taxpayer dollars (and give some to Michael Chertoff!) and humiliate Americans for needing to fly on an airplane. Remember the last dozen or so air-terror plots in America? All those people (or toner cartridges) just got on the airplanes. They’ve always got a gimmick: shoe bombs, mixing up bombs out of vodka and No-Doz, etc. Besides, if TSA had any actual interest in stopping potential bombs from getting onto planes with passengers, all electronics would be prohibited not only in the cabin, but in the cargo hold as well.

So, seriously, don’t fly! Just stop flying. Chances are, you don’t need to fly. Give a hoot! And if you do have to fly, don’t get inside that death chamber. If the slobs insist they need to stick their Carl’s Jr. hands down your panties, make sure it happens in full view of all the other passengers waiting in line. Maybe half of them will turn around and go home. [CNN/Washington Post/We Won't Fly]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 275 comments }

nounverb911 November 13, 2010 at 12:39 am

Is going through the "X-ray porno machine" how Boehner gets his pre-cancerous orange glow?

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 12:42 am

Ken, I can't quite put my finger on it, but I seem to perceive just the slightest hint that you aren't a really big fan of the TSA.

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 10:58 am

Well, if you could "put your finger on it," you'd be working for the TSA, see? It's a conundrum wrapped in a panjandrum inside a toner cartridge.

Not_So_Much November 13, 2010 at 1:37 pm

"put your finger on in it".

/fixed

OC_Surf_Serf November 13, 2010 at 12:12 pm

True story: A month ago, on a warning sign in the bowels of John Wayne airport (SNA) I saw that some hooligan scratched over "TSA" and added "TITTY SAFETY ASSOCIATION".

Terribly childish yet oh so spot on. (Looked for membership forms, but no luck)

angryspittle November 14, 2010 at 8:08 pm

TSA: Totally Stupid Assholes

mrblifil November 13, 2010 at 12:57 am

Let's privatize the TSA so we can set up a system where people who want to be fondled by strangers who smell like ass can pay to do that, and the rest of the people who want to fly on planes can be checked by metal detectors.

And if you have to be nude scanned, arrive at the airport furnished with a buttplug or something so at least everybody will have a story to tell later in life.

Katydid November 13, 2010 at 10:05 am

That's really funny.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I see you're already fitted and wearing yours. Way to go.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 13, 2010 at 1:00 am

Hmmmm, Arby's… anus juice sandwich.

Pragmatist2 November 13, 2010 at 1:03 am

Oh sure. Next we will hear that it is "irresponsible" for parents to opt out of their children's annual class photos.

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 10:27 am

Haven't you heard? Flashbulbs cause autism. Somebody w/huge fake boobs said this, and that's good enough for me.

Mojopo November 13, 2010 at 1:16 am

Love, love and loved this, Ken. I want to have this tattooed on my neck, or chiseled on my tombstone: "…the 9/11 hijackers could’ve all been patted down, greased up, anally probed, photographed for Playgirl and sucked off by a chorus line of TSA cretins and that still wouldn’t have made a difference in 2001."

You, sir, deserve all the prizes today.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Had they known they could get this treatment pre-afterlife, they might not have crashed the planes at all.

Maman November 13, 2010 at 1:18 am

I loathe all of these stupid security "advances" for one simple reason, when push comes to shove anyone who wants to find a way to kill you… will find a way to do it. Does it make sense to allow people to get on the plane with a knife or a box cutter? Fuck no.

On the other hand, what is the point of having liquor in the duty free shop if you can't take it on the plane. You have already cleared security and your luggage has already been loaded onto the plane. Am I complaining about this because I lost the opportunity to be gifted with Egyptian wine after my parents recent trip there? You bet.

But also because I am a person who is often "randomly" selected for additional scrutiny. Why? I have big tits. And my bra doesn't have two hooks on the back but rather four. And this makes me "suspicious".

So now, I drive whenever I can. I have driven cross country twice in as many years. Does it take more time? Yes. But I am getting to see much more of the country and no one has ever had to touch my fun bags. So the TSA, the airlines and the terrorists can bite me.

Mojopo November 13, 2010 at 1:28 am

They tag you for extra bra hooks? I swear to God, that really blows my mind. Stupid! Jesus Brick Shithouse Christ!

MissTaken November 13, 2010 at 2:47 am

Every time I fly out of SFO, and I mean every fucking time, I'm "randomly" selected to go through the nuclear iron maiden. I've traveled with some of the browns and they rarely get checked. But because it looks like I'm smuggling honeydews in my bra I get the honor of being chosen for a nude model session, without pay of course. And you're right, the four-hook bra sets off the metal detectors without fail.

chicken_thief November 13, 2010 at 8:16 am

Ok, ladies, we get the point. Stop now before I start thinking that maybe one a' them TSA jobs ain't so bad after all…..

Katydid November 13, 2010 at 10:11 am

Maybe they set the damn thing on low so they can x-ray your melons.

And, will no one think of Megs McCabe, this one time?

WriteyWriterton November 13, 2010 at 11:44 pm

"But I am getting to see much more of the country and no one has ever had to touch my fun bags."

You put that AWESOMELY, Maman.

OneDollarJuana November 14, 2010 at 12:52 pm

But it sounds kinda sad and lonely, too.

Mojopo November 13, 2010 at 1:24 am

There is another reason why I think all of this unnecessary radiation and government sanctioned molestation of children and grandmothers is useless: Tampons. As soon at the extremists get over their misogynistic hang-ups and start cramming tampons full of explosives up their pooper, the porn-ray machines and pat downs will be obsolete. Heavy days tamps can absorb more than 10 times their weight of blue-colored liquid. You thought the underpants bomber was bad? We don't know the half if it, bitches! The TSA better sub-contract the au jus specialists from Arby's, because I am not going to make it fun for anyone if I have to surrender my lady harpoons in the plastic bins.

SayItWithWookies November 13, 2010 at 1:24 am

You know who's on the other end of the flight I'm not taking? Relatives.
I mean, I'm gonna miss them, but I'm doing it for America.

sarjo November 13, 2010 at 9:54 pm

Maybe Wonkette could write excuse notes for us? "Please excuse your relative "X" from attending holiday festivities this year. All worthly Skum have been ordered by Ken NOT TO FLY."

denverite November 14, 2010 at 1:46 am

Kinda a good thing isn't it? A stress-free holiday not travelling sardine-style to be reminded of your dysfunctional relatives??

Ken Layne November 13, 2010 at 1:25 am

You think *I* invented a national outrage over this stuff? Thank you for the complement. I do fly quite a lot, but this effort is being led by the pilots' unions and holiday travelers. I'm passing it on, because it is important to have Dignity.

twoeightnine November 13, 2010 at 1:41 am

I had Dignity once… she's a really bad lay.

Tundra Grifter November 14, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Are her sisters Aura and Mystique?

Maman November 13, 2010 at 1:47 am

Ken, I am used to being criticized for being angry about ceding our rights to supposedly protect ourselves from terrorists.. I was once told that when the terrorists killed my children it would be my fault… my father told me that. (He is slightly politically to the right of Attila the Hun)

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:01 am

Well, everything bad that happens to children is always the mother's fault, so he is technically correct.

Maman November 13, 2010 at 2:04 am

So I have noted…

SayItWithWookies November 13, 2010 at 1:52 am

Insh'allah.

inedal November 13, 2010 at 4:24 am

Ken, great article, but you mean COMPLIMENT, not complement. just checkin…

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 1:52 am

Happy Thanksgiving travel, America! Check out the video of a pervy-looking TSA official demo'ing the enhanced pat down on a female mannequin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrq86qV2x2s&NR

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Jesus Christ. I usually have to take an okCupid girl out on three dates to get that kind of action.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Bizarrely, the pre-roll ad for that video was a video for Windows Live Hotmail that showed a kid in a petting zoo pen getting a muzzle-patdown assault from a bunch of goats. Congrats on the two-fer!

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 8:58 am

"Foreseeable Analysis Center" – in other words, the CYA people. After all, "no one could have foreseen …" planes flying into buildings. But now we're guarding against all kinds of past threats.

jagorev November 13, 2010 at 1:53 am

I like it when you're angry, Ken

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 1:54 am

excuse me, pervy-looking TSA subcontractor. I like the full body stroke, too.

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 12:36 pm

I assuming it is frowned upon to ask for the happy ending?

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Not at all, as long as you're ok with the body cavity search.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 8:59 am

Do you have to buy the TSA agent dinner first?

psilage November 13, 2010 at 1:56 am

PC LOAD LETTER !!1!!!

BarackMyWorld November 14, 2010 at 4:46 pm
XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:03 am

You have a big penis, don't you?

Barb November 13, 2010 at 2:10 am

I don't care about the screenings. I do care that I am behind the chick in line who chose to wear her Gladiator sandals and enough body piercings to make me believe that she fell down the stairs, while carrying a freaking tackle box, that really pisses me off. At 6:50 AM, did you really need to put on the pierced, chandelier earrings? Was that really freaking necessary? Take a look around! See the couple in the white shirts, khaki shorts and the matching Aussie hats in the dead of January? These matching, incestuous dweebs know how to travel!

I am going to Vegas on Monday, and I assure you, I will be behind the person in the Albuquerque airport who had to buy the biggest piece of silver/turquoise belt buckle bling that they could barter for on the pueblo, 3 Bic lighters, $87.32 in loose change, a fucking Costco sized bottle of vinegar and water douche,and a quarter ounce of weed that they didn't have the good enough sense to tuck into their rectum, as I did. Hey. don't judge me, I am trying to meet Chum Lee from Pawn Stars! Some of us were not lucky enough to clean out Mee-Maw's attic and find a love note, hand written from John Wilkes Booth.

While I am deep-throating a scalding hot Starbuck's brew before I hit the line, some of you should THINK about the people behind you. Even though we are still drunk from the night before doesn't make us any less aware. THINK ABOUT IT!

emmelemm November 13, 2010 at 2:38 am

Applause – that's a truly magnificent rant.

Whatever November 13, 2010 at 6:52 am

Me, I get behind the people who have never been to an airport in their entire lives and insist on walking through the metal machine 4 friggin times because they "didn't know" you could not wear X through the machines and therefore had to take it off.

"Yes stupid that moran yelling (for the last twenty minutes) about what has to come outa your bag is Talking To YOU!!!

I on the other hand have shoes and belt off, laptop out and gear bag ready to go before I get to the tray counter.

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 10:36 am

Your rant is most excellent. But criticizing our fellow travelers because they are insufficiently obeisant to insanely arbitrary rules of the Toiletries Scrutinization Administration is not the answer. This airport performance theater may make some people feel better, and all the TSA jerbs add to Senator LIeberman's portfolio of pork as Homeland Security committee chairman, but it's just wrong to submit to this — although I've done it many times. You're being subjected to a 4th-Amendment-violating search without probable cause.

[deep breath]

DashboardBuddha November 13, 2010 at 10:54 am

"without probable cause. "

Being a traveler on a sunny day is cause enough.

Barbara_i November 13, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I learned the hard way that wearing a sweatshirt hoodie WILL get you a pat down. I was instructed to put my hands high above my head and when the gal grabbed my sweater puffs, I flinched, making her surly with me.

They should keep a bowl of fine Belgian chocolate and when the gals come through the x-ray thingy and they see that they are wearing a tampoon in the image they get a little pick-me-up. "Sorry about the wrath of Mother Nature, enjoy your flight"

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I always used to wear my steel-toed Timberlands to Portland because it was easier than packing them. I also used to wear a layered sweater, jeans with a belt buckle, again because of packing issues and snow on the ground at the destination.

I have learned that I am no longer free to do that…or I risk being the person ahead of Barbara when she finally goes off…

fuflans November 13, 2010 at 2:59 pm

the only thing i will miss about my weekly ORD – PIT- LAX galumph for my former employer, is the mileage to mostly avoid that fucking guy with the belt buckle.

also, that chick with the huge misshapen cloth purse containing the contents of a small southern town.

GunTotingProgressive November 15, 2010 at 8:37 am

I was once in the same security line as (and I wish I were making this up) Mr. T. They had to bring out a large Rubbermaid tub for all his bling. Thankfully, I was ahead of him.

Rambone November 13, 2010 at 2:11 am

I like to load up my carry on luggage with as many dildos and vibrators as it can hold before sending it through the x-ray machine.

I then insist on discussing, in detail, the pros and cons of each model with the unfortunate TSA officer who is dispatched to hand-inspect my "bag."

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:24 am

I was once pulled out for a carry-on inspection after foolishly packing an enema kit, with tubing. The TSA inspector peered in the plastic bag containing the kit and then locked eyes with me for what appeared to be a staring contest. I won. He closed the bag without a word and let me continue on to the gate.

Katydid November 13, 2010 at 10:17 am

In honor of mrblifil, I humbly suggest you add a nice variety of butt plugs, in all sizes, particularly an XXL.

thecryingeagle November 14, 2010 at 8:41 pm

I am opting for the pat down over Xmas so that I can moan suggestively as they fondle my tits. A dildo in my carry on will only make the inspection more fun.

DCHatesMe November 13, 2010 at 2:19 am

If you hide plastic explosives (PETN, C-4, Homemade) inside your butt, the scan machine can't see it, nor can the body pat. If you stain the explosives a brown color and stick it inside your butt, an anal cavity search would only find brown putty inside your butt. Which is normal to find inside a butthole. Then you can blow up the airplane with the brown putty inside your butt.

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Radiotherapy November 13, 2010 at 9:03 am

Good job Brownie!

Come here a minute November 13, 2010 at 3:51 pm

I won't fly commercial again until I really feel safe. Every passenger must have colonic irrigation before takeoff.

Beetagger November 14, 2010 at 11:12 am

Please subscribe me to your newsletter. I am interested in learning more about your business.

smokefilledroommate November 13, 2010 at 2:21 am

I'll take my shoes off, but an openhanded c-scrape? Goddamn. Reminds me of City Gardens in the late '80s.

Redhead November 13, 2010 at 11:41 am

It reminds me of my last pap smear and breast tumor exam.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 1:42 pm

No, those are given invariably with a "please," and a little apology for the intrusion and possible pain.

donner_froh November 13, 2010 at 3:18 am

"This technology is not only safe, it's vital to aviation security and a critical measure to thwart potential terrorist attacks."

"This technology is not only safe, it's vital to making our subnormal employees feel like big shots and a critical measure to thwart any remnant of human dignity among passengers."

m_supercomputer November 15, 2010 at 10:32 am

Having a relative who works for TSA, I can confirm that most of the stereotypes about them are based on fact. He's a creep who was corrupted by the tiny amount of pseudo-power of his job who's compensating for how much of a failure the rest of his life is. True story: in an apparent attempt to impress my branch of the family, he once told a long, involved story about the time he bravely told off a little old lady who talked back to him. Didn't even have the sense to be embarrassed about how pathetic it made him look.

Office_39 November 13, 2010 at 3:19 am

Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

YeOldeFapSmith November 13, 2010 at 3:56 am

Well, irresponsible behavior is an art form in which I excel. So fuck the TSA and its retarded army of neckbearded enforcers. Hartsfield-Jackson is my local airport, and flying out of that nightmare became an experiment in finding a Xanax infused tipple/screaming nerve equilibrium. Usually trotting out the "Terror Boogeyman" is enough to make Americans acquiesce, so the backlash to being shipped like chattel by TSA ratbags is a pleasant surprise. Taking the bus cross country is a decidedly unglamorous and grueling mode of travel, but I felt my humanity firmly in tact on that rolling freakshow. Most importantly, on the bus I was free to enjoy my flask, in all its glory, without receiving the cretinous ire of some uniform draped slob.

XOhioan November 14, 2010 at 5:23 pm

I gave you an automatic "thumbs up" for your user name.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 5:30 am

Video conferencing! Or ride the train or bus with us poor people!

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 5:33 am

I've crossed Pacific half-a-dozen times on an aircraft carrier. It took 14 days instead of 14 hours, but even my steel rack with a foam rubber mattress was more comfortable than the average airliner seat. The food was better, too.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 5:40 am

I live in China, a real police state, and they don't have anything like this in the airports. I've flown in and out of Tel Aviv on El Al a number of times, and was once questioned by security for an hour, but nothing like what TSA does.

transfatz November 13, 2010 at 7:02 am

Does that mean that even with quantitative easing you wouldn't import Michael Chertoff rolled up in a rug?
Also, don't look, but I think Office_39 is following you.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:04 pm

No, he's ugly. Realize, every couple days, I look at a classroom of georgeous 20 something China girls. I don't do anything, of course; teachers are like parents here. But I am spoiled and I feel a certain disappointment when I have to look at one of my fellow laowai, these days.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:05 pm

I don't know what you mean by Office_39, but if you mean the Chinese police, they are mainly interested in shaking down small business people for bribes. I'm not worried.

donner_froh November 13, 2010 at 1:40 pm

One difference between flying out of any airport in the US and flying out of Tel Aviv on El Al is that the Israelis are interested in security and the TSA are interested in touching your penis.

finallyhappy November 13, 2010 at 3:31 pm

oh, good, I don't have a penis so when I fly in 2 weeks, TSA won't touch me? I do get tired of being behind someone who is covered in jewelry, has change in his pocket and a big belt buckle- and doesn't understand that it has to come off or out. I imagine that at Thanksgiving it will be worse than ever.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:01 pm

It did help that they thought I was a Jew! Being short and fat is good once in a while!

transfatz November 13, 2010 at 6:32 am

Oh shit, I've always been irresponsible. Now they've seen me…
"You, the irresponsible one, down on the floor!"
"Don't tase me br…."
Zzzzzzzzt
This is all your fault Ken.

thecryingeagle November 14, 2010 at 8:48 pm

Do it to Julia!!!

transfatz November 16, 2010 at 4:17 am

Boy they can really pat you down in Room 101.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 6:39 am

Ken, you'll regret this rant when we find out these machines have reduced the rampant, constant hijacking and exploding of airplanes by 75%.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 1:49 pm

How, exactly, would such a statistic be derived, or could it be proven that the teenage fondlethon called airport security had anything to do with such an alleged reduction?

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Read Naked_Bunny's post out load, with appropriately sarcastic inflection.

See why it is funny? TSA hasn't prevented shit by lightly touching our bodies, and will continue to not prevent anything while fondling our genitals.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 2:52 pm

OK, OK. I get it. Just a little off today.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:07 pm

LIke all bushite stats, it's pulled out of some republi-butt.
Possibly al-Qaeda types object to being fondled by ugly US rednecks, too.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 7:42 pm

How, exactly, would such a statistic be derived

The same way we discovered that 4 out of 5 dentists chew Trident gum, and Ivory soap is 99.44% pure: lyingscience!

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 4:25 pm

But at what cost to the Cuban Tourism Board's "Hijackers Fly Free!" campaign, Bunny, at what terrible cost?

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Perhaps they should hire Abe Foxman to be their advocate.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 13, 2010 at 7:58 am

Before there was PedoBear, there was PornMonster Poster.
~

SwanSwanH November 13, 2010 at 8:30 am

HIGH SPEED RAIL! (For fuck's sake, people.)

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Sorry, huge subsidies for public transportation are socialism, unless the beneficiaries are airlines or auto manufacturers or Big Oil (natch). When rail passenger transportation becomes more fuel-inefficient, maybe it can get subsidies again, like it did in the 19th Century.

OneDollarJuana November 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

But rail travel is fuel-efficient! CSX ads keeps telling me that they can transport a ton of freight almost 500 miles on a gallon of diesel. Why, that's only about two, or maybe three, Midwesterners! Kansas City to Boston, only 1400 miles, or about $12 in fuel. What's the problem with rail travel?

Besides, if you know what brand of beer the dining car serves, you can pack loads of your own and save big on the bar tab. Can't do that on an airplane.

V572625694 November 14, 2010 at 1:43 pm

You're right. Sorry the sarcasm didn't come through — I said when rail travel becomes more fuel-inefficient, it can get a big subsidy like airlines, etc.________________________________________

karen November 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Gov. Strickland here in Ohio had plans for a rail system linking the major cities in our state. Granted it wasn't going to be high-speed because it would've cost billions instead of millions, but it would have been an alternative transportation I would have used on a regular basis.

Incoming Republican governor Kasich has already said his first move will be to squash that plan. Oh Ohio…what hast thou done?

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:45 pm

God-forsaken land of my birth. Plans for commuter rail in Columbus have always fizzled due to fear of the two greatest evils: TAXES and NEGRO TEENAGERS WILDING AT THE WORTHINGTON MALL

I

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:09 pm

There were similar plans and frustrations back in the '80s. Remember the bullet train that was going to connect Cinci and Cleveland? Maybe even Columbus?

sezme November 13, 2010 at 11:31 pm

Well, the terrorists could blow the fuck out of trains too, you know – like in Madrid. Or, what the hell, they could blow the fuck out of all the slobs waiting in line for their turn at the porn scanner at the airport. That would be terroristy as well. Blowing people up pretty much anywhere is dead easy. Why this obsession with airplanes, America?

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:12 am

Because 9/11 killed more people than anything ever in this country ever! NEVER FORGET!!!! USA! USA!

Also because every fuckwad at TSA is busy trying to cover his/his ass so that no one gets blamed if something happens.

imissopus November 14, 2010 at 1:06 am

GO BACK TO FRANCE, HIPPIE!!1!

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2010 at 8:32 am

What's irresponsible are Americans who continue to buy and use Laser Printers! These are nothing but terrorist weapons waiting to be turned into dirty bombs: raining plane parts and radiation all over our schools, homes and shopping malls.

I noticed in my local Wal-Mart yesterday an entire AISLE of potential IED's – printers and cartridges – and not ONE skymarshall or FBI agent was there to protect shoppers from the peril. At the LEAST, they should screen shoppers entering and leaving the store.

The FOUNDERS were perfectly happy with quills and ink – and right thinking Americans should be too!

Bluestatelibel November 13, 2010 at 9:17 am

Toner cartridges don't kill people, people kill people. You'll pry my toner cartridge from my cold dead hands. Etc. Etc.

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2010 at 10:44 am

Tell that to the miners in the Kentucky toner fields. Tell that to the print shop workers suffering from black lung (or even worse, yellow, magenta and cyan lung in shops with color printers).

JustPixelz November 13, 2010 at 6:20 pm

We at least should recognize the al Queda is totally just mailing it in these days.

PublicLuxury November 13, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Wow. This is going to be great. I can get felt up at the airport and now at Wal-Mart. Hopefully it will be cheaper at Wal-Mart because they'll use foreign labor…

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:14 am

Sure, they'll say they feel you up but half the time they won't bother and the other half they'll just do a weak imitation of a feel-up.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 13, 2010 at 8:40 am

Then there is the 10% of the population that likes the attention. http://www.planet-familyguy.com/pfg/images/charac

Guppy06 November 13, 2010 at 9:00 am

"Chances are, you don’t need to fly."

I realize this is a DC blog and you're thinking of people going back and forth from there to New York City, but… no. I've actually looked at several different options for my trips from central Florida to upstate New York, and they all universally suck, taking about two days to go from Orlando to Syracuse; I could actually spend less time driving myself.

I actually looked into taking a train to Montreal and approaching my destination from that side. Canada's trains suck too.

Sure, if we had a Twentieth Century rail system, I wouldn't be stuck in a train that stops in every little podunk town across six states and maybe shave at least a day off the travel time, but we all know that trains are COMMUNISMS!!!1111!!1, while hemorrhaging government funds to build airports for private airlines is just fine with Saint Regan. And the closest thing anybody has to "intermodal" is hiring a taxi at the airport to get across town to whatever train or bus station is available.

I have every confidence that the new Republican House will do everything in its power to make travel in general and flying in particular even worse, too.

Come here a minute November 13, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Why the fuck would you intentionally go to Syracuse? Having family there is not a reason — I've avoided it for years.

gurukalehuru November 13, 2010 at 9:03 am

Upon reading these comments, I suddenly realize the true reason for the boarding time paranoia which has gripped American airports since September 11th, 2001. It is, indeed, to force people back into their cars, on behalf of the automobile and petrol industries.
Of course, airplanes need fuel, too, but they're still flying. What they don't need are all those pesky passengers.

neiltheblaze November 13, 2010 at 9:13 am

This post is a thing of sheer poetry. I am in awe.

JohnHoffman November 13, 2010 at 9:25 am

Face-up meetings across the Internet have been possible for a long time. If your ego needs to be massaged with a firm handshake for a deal, then by all means fly to the meeting. Further, the savings for not flying to meetings less than six hours away by driving instead just makes sense. The only downside is it's hard to surf for porn while you're driving!

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 9:25 am

If the government really wants to save lives (ha ha), then they could have the DMV put a tenth this much effort into making sure that people knew how to fucking drive.

x111e7thst November 13, 2010 at 9:39 am

US traffic fatalities per year are consistently over 30k. Airline passengers lost to terrorismz/year are now 0. Lets turn over highway safety to the TSA. Everyone gets anally probed and photographed naked before they get in a motor vehicle.

JustPixelz November 13, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Whaddya mean turn it over? My neighbor is with the TSA and he already anally probes and nekkid photographs me before I get in my car. Says it regulations. But I haven't had an accident since he started checking. Hooray! the system works!

x111e7thst November 13, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Some people have all the luck.

x111e7thst November 13, 2010 at 9:44 am

And also: why not let people just shove a buttplug up their ass and post some naked pix of themselves on the internet before they head to the airport. It would save a lot of time and might work out as a money making opportunity for the better looking amongst us. In the current economy the latter alone should get my proposal serious consideration.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 1:53 pm

You and Mr. Blifil should get together and make babies. Seriously.

harry_palmer November 13, 2010 at 9:49 am

If you like getting fingerbanged by a rough-trade looking stranger, you could just troll the restrooms and not hold up everybody else's flight.

deanbooth November 13, 2010 at 9:50 am

The threat could also be reduced if they stopped patting down Muslin brides, with bombs.

Katydid November 13, 2010 at 10:28 am

They don't hate us because we keep killing them, THEY HATE US FOR OUR FREEDUMBS!1!!!

Like the freedom to get on airplanes without being harassed… Um, er, uh, libtards are stupid heads.

JackObin November 13, 2010 at 10:13 am

I often fantasize that Victoria's Secret models are TSA workers. I think the airlines would approve of that.

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 10:44 am

Lieberman's to blame for this, right? TSA is part of DHS, and he's chairman of the committee that oversees it. Every TSA (thousands standing around? Toiletries Scrutinization Administration?)employee drone is another gobbet of federal pork in the bubbling cauldron he controls, another favor to a senator from GA or IL for which he'll be repaid, another political or actual handjob from Chertoff and other contractors seeking DHS business.

Blaming Lieberman helps.

Beautiful rant, Ken. It's good when you appear here from time to time and teach your staff how this should be done.

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 11:11 am

Re: Chertoff. In the comparative advantage sense, I'd think he'd be less of a handjob and more of a bottomless eye socket fuck kind of entrepreneur.

HedonismBot November 13, 2010 at 11:23 am

Blaming Lieberman always helps. In my own heart of hearts, I've blamed Lieberman for many a misfortune. Being able to blame Joe Liebertrolldollface for bad things has saved my sanity on numerous occasions.

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Remind me again why this non-dmocrat is in charge of such and important committee, especially in light of not really needing his withered caucus to hold the majority or holding a filibuster-proof super-majority?

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:20 am

Because he's with us on everything except the war (and you know, other stuff but let's not get involved in details). Besides, he's been in the club for a long time and we have to stick up for each other – can't let those outsiders think they have any say over Senatorial prerogative.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 2:22 pm

I gave you a thumb up the bum, but feel I must stick up for Steuf & Wags, who are doing a heckuva job.

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Thumbs up to that too.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Lieberman? Every Count needs his Renfield, babbling about "The Master" and snacking on scurrying appropriations in his madman's cell. Thank goodness Barry drove a stake through McCain's heart.

HedonismBot November 13, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Hope I'm wrong about this, but sometimes it really seems like our life under Obama might be heading to the same place as a President Macula would have. We just chose to take the slow bus. Granted, at least we don't have V.P. Snowbilly (though she sure as hell never went away,) and most of the dark clouds on our horizon weren't put there by Barry, but Tea Party Nation seems hellbent on finishing the destruction started by G. Dubs and Sith Lord Cheney – and this time on steroids. The worst thing about Obama is that anymore he seems pretty powerless to stop them.
Of course, my job is in the crapper and I have to move out of my apartment due to my debt up to my eyeballs, so maybe I'm just in a dark mood.
Is it morning in America yet?

JustPixelz November 13, 2010 at 6:25 pm

At least the lizard people held off on their attack. Thank you Clarissa Thomas for the warning. You are my favorite Martian now.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 8:01 pm

If Obama doesn't drive his car off the high road and take on the "horrible," "distasteful" job of playing "politics" (telling the truth about your opponents, what they do, and what they believe), what you're saying will happen. The shame of it is that he doesn't seem to understand that this would be the honorable path to take, and just allowing himself to get rolled by the Republicans without a fight is actually more shameful. Oh well, he'll have plenty of free time post-2012 to sit around with John Stewart so they can congratulate each other on their high level of discourse.

HedonismBot November 14, 2010 at 11:13 am

Did you see Stewart's interview with Obama from just before the election? Stewart basically told him, man, you've gotta start leveling with people.

DashboardBuddha November 13, 2010 at 10:46 am

Is that Kansas City, MO? Since when did the "Show Me" state become the "I'll Show You" state?

marinmaven November 13, 2010 at 10:55 am

What we need is high speed rail system and that should have been the stimulus program. Personally I have nostalgia for the steam locomotives (we have Pullman Car hangers in our closet), but high speed rail will do and can replace airplanes domestically. It is time to return to the transatlantic steamships where you can have steamy sex in a jalopy, have your portrait of your nude body done, and have music play as your ship goes down. Good times.

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Q: Is there anything more provocatively, erotically sexual than the sound of a steam locomotive starting up from rest?

A: No, there is not.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Was that you fapping in the front row at "Unstoppable?"

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 3:14 pm

I said steam locomotive, not Diesels. You obviously are not a railroad nerd, which is good.

marinmaven November 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Just as sexy is a sleeping car or cochette with the shades down with the rhythmic sounds of train wheels on the rails. /squee
The Mile high club that are stuck in those stinky little capsule johns are so unseemly.

chickensmack November 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Between you, DBB and Ken, it is amusing and wistful to see that high-speed rail gets a bit of comeuppance in these series of TSA-related articles. I'm giving you a thumb for this most excellent thumb-biting at all-things-aero-related.

marinmaven November 13, 2010 at 6:21 pm

I have been a staunch supporter of high speed rail in California because I have always saw the economic benefit of a rail system. I have been to Europe and trains are just the beesknees.
Trains are romantic. We took a train from Penn Station to Buffalo to go to Niagra Falls. I have taken night trains all across Europe and watched countless movies that feed the allure of train travel. I know the joy of bringing wine and cheese on a night train. The Orient Express is on my bucket list. Trains are civilized and so are the old school steamships, providing you are in first class. None of those slick, disease ridden cruise ships for me, but those turn-of-the century grand dames of the ocean.
Watching Risky Business did a lot early to convince me of the sexiness of trains, before Tom Cruise was exposed as a zenu-fearing nutjob.

deelzebub November 13, 2010 at 6:48 pm

I used to spend 50 hours one-way on the Amtrak between Chicago and Seattle because my chosen peen lived 2000 miles away and the train was much cheaper than flying. It was great. Bring a bookbag full books and Nyquil and watch the mountains and forests stream past the window. As an added bonus, sometimes there were Alaskan crab fishermen on board who would buy an underage girl cocktails in the club car. Good times.

OneDollarJuana November 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Did the fishermen give you crabs? (couldn't resist)

Madam Killjoy November 13, 2010 at 7:06 pm

That scene in Risky Business! Yes.
Also, all the other smart stuff you said about high-speed rail. Yes to that too.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:54 pm

Modernize the dirigible, with helium inside and better propellers. Better line-handling, too.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:24 am

High speed rail, sleeper cars, dirigibles … this is my favorite comment thread ever. Even if we are veering into James Bond villain territory.

marinmaven November 14, 2010 at 11:51 am

It is more out of Hayao Miyasaki films like Kiki's Delivery Service, Castle in the Sky, and Howl's Moving Castle. It's steampunkish. Have you seen steampunk computers? I could totally live in a steampunk universe.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 8:38 pm

Miyazaki is a stone-cold genius. I don't know if I have the fashion sense to live in a steampunk universe but I'd give it a shot.

marinmaven November 14, 2010 at 11:40 am

Airship Ventures in the SF Bay Area offers zepplin rides. The zepplins have vectered thrust engines and a lot of modern tech. These need to be deployed widely ASAP.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 8:39 pm

San Francisco gets all the cool stuff …

Rambone November 13, 2010 at 11:01 am

Reading my Maxim magazine . . .

You can read those things???

Barbara_i November 13, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Maxim magazine used to be readable. There was once a time if you had the balls to write to the editor he smacked you down in the most hilarious way. Now it's just about nip-slips.

DashboardBuddha November 13, 2010 at 11:02 am

After watching some of the videos in the comments, something dawned on me. Look at the crowd of people waiting to be screened. Were they screened before hand? It seems to me that if someone wanted to create a great big hot ball of terror, he/she would light off the bomb while waiting in the line. They don't even need to get on a plane.

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:25 pm

THOUGHT CRIME

WriteyWriterton November 13, 2010 at 11:48 pm

Ex-*&^%in'-ackley. The public side of the airports is where Al Qaeda can make the money shot.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:25 am

They don't need to do anything … the US is busy terrorizing itself. Al Qaida can just sit back and laugh.

bitchincamaro2 November 13, 2010 at 11:07 am

Here's a novel solution: remove all American troops from foreign soils. End of terrorism. End of airport poking (except bathroom stalls). End of deficit.

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 12:49 pm

END OF FREEDUMB!!!!!!!111!

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:58 pm

YES! Stop making enemies all over the world! Maybe even regain our good reputation (although I fear that good reputation is like virginity: it doesn't grow back).

LetUsBray November 13, 2010 at 9:59 pm

It does, just really, really slowly. But it does grow back. Consider the Danes and Swedes: They sure weren't considered enlightened and lovable a thousand years ago.

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 11:09 am

Sure, sure, it's all fun and games to play the boycott game, but do you have any idea how long it is to drive from South Carolina to Buenos Aires when your soul mate beckons?

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Rendezvous in Rio!

Failed_2_Menace November 13, 2010 at 11:11 am

When shave gel is outlawed, only outlaws will have shave gel. Oh, and the turdlickers who keep seizing mine because they don't know their own goddam rules will have a hoard of the stuff as well.

HedonismBot November 13, 2010 at 11:17 am

Jeez, TSA. If you really want to see my genitals that badly, I have a Chat Roulette account set up for that very purpose.

Lucidamente1 November 13, 2010 at 11:25 am

"TSA Administrator John S. Pistole?" Now I know why the TSA want to get so gropey-naked picturey. Behold, Wonketteers: http://www.tsa.gov/who_we_are/people/bios/john_s_

finallyhappy November 13, 2010 at 3:33 pm

you know he is touching boys in the church bathroom

DoktorZoom November 14, 2010 at 9:59 pm

Today we are all Pistole-Whipped

harry_palmer November 13, 2010 at 11:27 am

A little cleavage makes him dribble goo on your buns? Then a trip through the orgasmatron behind the pin-cushion lady followed by your midget seat-mate spanking it while his mother is grinding on you, and *I'm* spent. I can't imagine how you feel. Thanks for that rant above. It was a classic; it's a pity I could only fist you once.

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 11:32 am

For all of you getting tingles from a classic display of the Wrath of Ken, just wait. Things will really get interesting when the TSA announces it is subcontracting all screening duties out to the Vatican.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:04 pm

Well, the Vatican Post Office works better than the Italian Post Office. Maybe the Swiss Guards can screen passengers better than TSA.

lulzmonger November 13, 2010 at 11:11 pm

Vatican screeners = suddenly, an anonymous AQ operative leaks their plan to use attractive young lads with C-4 suppositories to blow up jets. In other news, Kleenex stocks are skyrocketing!

chickensmack November 13, 2010 at 11:36 am

Man, for a nation that values your freedom of expression, you're sure shy on the haplo-porn put-out.

YOU WANT US TO LOOK AT YOUR TATS, but not the teats the tats are 'tatched to.

bitchincamaro2 November 13, 2010 at 11:52 am

From the "When Worlds Collide" department: Uber-patriot Joe Farah's virtual rag has a "stop airport" groping petition going. Just sayin'.
http://www.wnd.com/airportscreening

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 12:53 pm

That's fine. The teatards can finally use their prodigious organizational machine for good instead of evil.

Sadly though, they've putting the groping of their children just behind "show us the birth certificate" on their list of national priorities.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:19 pm

He'll quit complaining when White people are excused this stuff.

Steverino247 November 13, 2010 at 11:55 am

When I was selected for additional screening at National Airport in DC (in 2004), I pointed out to the TSA agent that I had just left Walter Reed Army Medical Center where I was visiting my son who was seriously wounded fighting actual terrorists which made me the LEAST likely person in aviation history to interfere with a flight.

Later, when my son (who still has an AK-47 bullet stuck in the left occipital lobe of his brain) and I tried to board a plane in Minneapolis, TSA agents ignored the letter from his doctor I was carrying explaining why he was going to set off the bubble machine. Since his speech was still impaired he could not answer their questions other than to point to me, the guy waving the letter in the air.

About two years ago, same son forgot his ID card and when he got to the airport, TSA agents wanted him to answer questions on somebody's cell phone to ensure he was really him. He tried to explain to the agents that he did not talk well because he has a bullet in his brain. Had he been able to speak, he could have told them that the ADA allows him to designate someone (usually me) to assist him with communications. After they gave up and decided to allow him to travel anyway (I think the Purple Heart cap he was wearing might have helped), I politely informed them of that fact.

I think Ken and I feel pretty much the same way about that agency.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Gah! Fucking idiots. And those are the kinds of situations that can quickly go south into mistaken injury or worse if somebody shows just the slightest bit of irritation to the goons.

Steverino247 November 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

I learned a long time ago not to complain at the time of the incident as all you do is line yourself up for anonymous retaliation by the dickless when you're not looking (e.g., your luggage disappears for a week or you're put on a "no fly" list and aren't told until the next time you try to fly). Instead, I complain after the trip is over so their superiors have to look up who was on duty that day and those responsible have forgotten what we look like. Got a personal phone call from the guy in charge of Minneapolis and a promise to do better. More evidence of how nice people are up there (with the obvious exception of the 6th Congressional District, of course).

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:21 pm

Maybe they figure p.o.'d vets are likely terrorist recruits.

OC_Surf_Serf November 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Jimminy Christmas, I avoided all this Airport Security nonsense by just being made dirt poor by the Great Recession '08 and not being able afford to fly anywhere…can I thank W for that?

V572625694 November 13, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Flying is already dehumanizing enough. It's too late to tell you now, but Southwest Airlines is the day-care center of airlines, where all the young mommies and daddies have to fly to bring their darlings home to Gramps and Nana for Xgiving. No one should ever fly, but no one should particularly every fly SWA, unless you like brain damage.

imissopus November 13, 2010 at 2:08 pm

To be fair to the young mommies and daddies, SWA is about the only airline that doesn't charge extra to check bags, and when you're traveling with little kids you have a LOT of shit to check. And since you're already paying two grand for your family of four to fly from Chicago to Cleveland, any bucks you can save are probably appreciated.

Jukesgrrl November 14, 2010 at 5:30 am

The question I ask every holiday is, "Why can't Gramps and Nana do the traveling?" Seriously.

Beetagger November 14, 2010 at 11:10 am

Because Beck and O'Reilly have scared the shit out of them about flying. Seriously.

V572 the Merciless January 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Barb and I were just reminiscing about where we first "met," which was this post, and I noticed yours, which is so true that I had to give you a much-belated upfirst for it. Good times!

Jukesgrrl January 6, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Send something thru the tubez of the internets and ya never know who's reading it when. I always enjoy your comments.Thanks for writing.

DahBoner November 13, 2010 at 12:42 pm

TSA sounds like a great second career for Teh Caliufornya Gropenator!

YAAAAH! AND THINGS OF THIS NATURE!

sati_demise November 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm

I have to fly a lot…….it is totally random. I had a pocket knife in my bag that passed through x-ray three times before I discovered it in my pocketbook. It was being shielded by my cell phone, of course.
Then I moved it into my check on luggage and someone stole the knife and left a note that my bag had been 'inspected'. fuckers.

One of my friends keeps a pack of rolling papers in his checked suitcase and every single time they inspect his bag, they take the rolling papers from a side pocket and place it on top of the inspection note. Like, we know about you, buddy…..

They also confiscated my coconut body lotion and took the Fernet Branca that I bought in duty free that was still sealed up. The whole goddamn thing is arbitrary.

sarjo November 15, 2010 at 1:01 pm

OMG, another Fernet fan! Did you read "Cooking with Fernet Branca?" Awesome. Try Fernet Menta too–it will strip your tooth plaque (and enamel!) in nuttin flat.

Truculent November 13, 2010 at 12:56 pm

People rant about millimeter wave radio frequencies bombarding their bodies for a few seconds but think nothing of plastering a cell phone to their head for hours at a time, or jamming a Bluetooth device right into their ear (making it easier to beam radiation directly into the brain), or sitting in front of a wireless computer emitting microwave radiation for days at a time. Ironic, eh?

The safest thing to do is walk around in a full-body copper Faraday cage to block the radiation assaulting you from every direction. Make sure the mesh is really small to keep out all the waves. And would someone please suggest what we can do about that giant cosmic ray generator that shows up in the eastern sky every morning?

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 5:11 pm

I think that the distinction most people draw is that their mobiles and BT devices are not taking naked pictures of them (most of the time, anyhow).

A nit — the sun is not the source of cosmic rays.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:29 pm

I use text messaging. No problemo.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Be sure to ground your Faraday cage, otherwise you're just concentrating the rays. Cf. http://berkeley.intel-research.net/arahimi/helmet

On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study

Ali Rahimi1, Ben Recht 2, Jason Taylor 2, Noah Vawter 2; 17 Feb 2005; 1: Electrical Engineering and Computer Science department, MIT.
2: Media Laboratory, MIT.

weejee November 13, 2010 at 1:00 pm

For me not to fly is not an option. Swimming from C'Addle to Alaska, Hawaii, Oz & beyond is just too much for an olde like me. Ken yer spot on regards the electronics. As long as any of that stuff is allowed including alarms in luggage, the fucking plane is mine. And no the sniffer machines nor the dogs will get a whiff if it is packed & sealed in a clean room. TSA is very expensive theater, especially if you include the time on the clock for biz travelers. Trust me we charge our clients for all the fiddle faddle time at the airport and so does any other bidness.

And oh, BTW since Bin Laden also went to engineer school too, and some of his mates chemistry school, the fucking plane is his, too, also.

bagofmice November 14, 2010 at 8:12 am

There's an xkcd for that.

OneDollarJuana November 14, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Swimming? Haven't you heard of coracles?

Heq November 13, 2010 at 1:12 pm

You know, every time I think about visiting south I remind myself that I dislike being groped by mouthbreathers and instead insist that all such visits should take place in a neutral location, such as Mexico.

In Mexico, they openly admit to not giving a fuck about what I have and I am less inclined to be a dick to them in return. It's a good deal really. Hey, but given that America is so flush with cash right now, who needs the tourist trade?

Why is it that the government can find money for this sort of batshit nonsense but seems unable to get it's act together and fix and upgrade the infrastructure and ports? Baffling.

Not_So_Much November 13, 2010 at 1:39 pm

You guys! You're totally fucking up Chertoff's retirement. How is he going to afford that 8th home in the Hamptons if we don't cooperate?

sati_demise November 13, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Call me irresponsible…..

4TheTurnstiles November 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm

least TSA-shitty airport I've been through: PDX.

the worst: probably GCC, arguably RNO, no excuse for LMT

special prize for extra eyeshadow on the ID checker: ABQ

donner_froh November 13, 2010 at 1:58 pm

GCC–right in the so-called heart of Cheney country. Somehow the extra groping there makes sense in a sick way.

4TheTurnstiles November 13, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Gillette: the best restaurant is a Taco John's.

Klamath Falls is a special kind of toilet, though.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modoc_War

fuflans November 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

and the PDX grand piano with airport approved pianist is a nice touch as well.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm

After a friend had some difficulties with Airport Security just for exercising First Amendment Rights, it became clear that once you step foot in an airport, you are entering Federal Custody. Like any other Federal Prisoner, your "rights" are severely curtailed. Just think of it as doing time: If you're a model prisoner, they'll let you out for good behavior. Perhaps there should be "Scared Flightless" seminars to keep people from committing whatever crimes require them to buy a ticket.

stew1 November 13, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Look, if this is the only way to spot Penis Bombs, I'm all for it…

doxastic November 13, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Yes responsible citizen, you too might be a terrorist without knowing it. Therefore, it is your civic duty to be irradiated. In fact, the more you allow yourself to be scanned, the greater the chance you'll become Spiderman!

Qatarded November 13, 2010 at 2:16 pm

I regularly throw a bunch of loose tampons at the top of my bag to discourage them from rummaging through my shit. Next time, I am wearing adult diapers with a novelty plastic dog turd stuffed inside. Or at least a ginormous Kotex maxi-pad, like the belted one's I remember from the "period movie" we watched in 5th grade.

102415 November 14, 2010 at 1:48 am

Sound advice. Thank you.

SheriffRoscoe November 13, 2010 at 2:25 pm

As someone who's office is the cabin of a commercial aircraft, I feel the need to weigh in here. The two components to insuring safe air travel are Privacy and Convenience. The more you give to one, the more you take from the other. We seem to have collectively decided, here in the U. S. of Murka, that we want Convenience.

I'll now pause a moment for you to stop laughing.

But yes! It's true! While you sometimes have to wait an hour or more to get through security (it's far more common for the line wait to be in the neighborhood of twenty to thirty minutes), and yes, we have to take off our shoes and remove our gadgets before proceeding through the porno death machines, it could be far, far worse. Ask anyone who's departed from Heathrow, or Frankfurt, or Tel Aviv. They have lines for profiling AND metal detection. And then when you think your done….ANOTHER ROUND OF PROFILING.

Take your pick, folks. But I'd just as soon not have to go to work worrying about the guy trying to set his dirty underwear on fire. Personally, I'd "opt out" of the porno death machine and go for the free handjob, but that's just me. You'll have to decide for yourself.

XOhioan November 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Here's a wild idea: ban matches and lighters. I have no idea why I cannot bring a metal nail file, yet can board with an incendiary device.

Just to prove that they are bat-shit crazy, the TSA actually posted this statement on their website: "As of August 4, 2007, in an effort to concentrate resources on detecting explosive threats, TSA will no longer ban common lighters in carry-on luggage." http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/assistant/

SheriffRoscoe November 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

It's crazy, ain't it? And with all the fancy machines and covert intelligence, 9/11 would have been an ordinary day if we had simply banned knives and blades, which were acceptable items for carry-on at the fucking time. I thought it was nuts back then, and I'm just a tiny cog in the greater wheel. Again, we want convenience. We want Bubba to be able to bring his hunting knife onboard. Or rather, we did until OOPS! THAT'S NOT SUCH A BRILLIANT FUCKING IDEA!

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Yeah. I used to carry a small pocket knife (and a Leatherman tool) in my carry-on. Once — before 9/11 — it was almost confiscated, but it turned out that the blade length just met whatever rule was involved, wherever it was (the agent measured it against his badge).

I had never thought about it. While I was happy not to lose the knife, I was left thinking "Why are they letting me do this"?"

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:35 pm

I flew through New York and Washington DC a month before the 9-11 attacks, and was impressed at how lax the security was. I'm not convinced it's better now. After all, as others have noticed, it's not too hard to fill one's lower bowel with brown pasty explosive, then blow one's self up while standing in line for the inspection.

finallyhappy November 13, 2010 at 3:37 pm

The thing is I feel safe when I go to or from Tel Aviv(because for those who haven't gone to Tel Aviv- Israeli Security is here too)- I don't really feel after safer after TSA "security" checks

chascates November 13, 2010 at 4:29 pm

I suggest all passengers and crew enter the aircraft completely naked. Folds of fat and body orifices could hide dangerous objects but I think the entire effect would cause everyone to be quiet at the very least.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 7:53 pm

Just fly the plane in constant barrel rolls to disorient any potential hijacker.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:36 pm

Like in Heinlein's _The Puppet Masters_!

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 9:02 pm

I think I first read that when I was in junior high. It's still one of my favorites, despite the high-even-for-Heinlein incidence of cliches and coincidences. I don't think it was the mandatory nudity — rendered with all the gritty realism we expect from Heinlein. Maybe because the protagonist/narrator was actually sort of a believable fuck-up, as opposed to the typical pretend-fuck-up-but-actually-nearly-perfect protagonists that populate most of his work.

Wait, I had a point… Oh, yeah. I was probably fifty before it occurred to me that it might have been some kind of political allegory. Given Bob, of course, it's fruitless to try to figure out what the allegory might have been.

Reefpilot November 13, 2010 at 5:18 pm

Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play, and directed it too, so I'm not sweating it either.

bitchincamaro2 November 13, 2010 at 7:44 pm

While I respect your POV, I can't help but feel that we (the global flying public) have been duped. Shouldn't we be talking about the "reason" folks are willing to martyr themselves instead of how inconvenienced we've all been made by their zeal? By participating in the latter, and I'm no different than most people, we ignore the opportunity to address the underlying causes of the privacy invasions and the hassle at the airport. And for those who suggest that bullet trains will solve the problem, think again. I'm not so sure boarding a train in Spain is as care-free an enterprise as it once may have been.

Sorry for the rant Roscoe; I know you know all this shit, I just hve to spew. I sometimes fantasize a scene in the airport security line where instead of regaling each other with our personal tales of woe at the hands of TSA and HSA, we bitch about the real culprits who've no problem putting us in some very uncomfortable situations as a result of some hare-brained foreign policy.

Bon voyage!

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Ken, thank you, thank you. You have given me a warm fuzzy feeling that will last until the next time I have to go to the airport.

In Heathrow, in early 05, I got selected for detailed screening (translation: tear all the stuff apart looking for gawd knows what). The reason this stands out is that, even while my stuff was being rooted through, the British officials doing it were polite, even almost friendly. While being subjected to great intrusion, it was mitigated by their manners.
What I DO NOT understand is why American security, and American customs, has to be so nasty.

kenlayisalive November 13, 2010 at 4:07 pm

My least favorite TSA position is always the one standing just the other side of the metal detector. They're always the biggest asshole who get off on you being all acquiescent, powerless, and sock-footed.

But that's America, pay someone very very little, and they'll get their jollies another way, ie., power-tripping on hapless people trying to go see their grandparents.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:38 pm

Perhaps because they are minimum wage slaves who hate their jobs and hate the richer people who can afford to fly?

Actually, were I a terrorist master-mind, I would try to recruit TSA employees.

TX_Bluebonnets November 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

I'll chat about the excessive intrusion in a minute, but what security goal is achieved by being horrible? The shouting, the screaming…I have not flown with my child since she was old enough to comprehend this. I do not know how I will be able to explain this to her.

"It's OK, honey, the mean people are keeping us free. Now let the nice smelly transgendered Maury Povich audience member feel you in ways that will get us onto Dr. Phil…which we'll take the car to go to."

"Remember, baby, we're a free country. And asking what that means just DESTROYS THAT FREEDOM."

"You're crying? It's OK, honey. That's not bad touch. That's necessary touch, like at the doctors…"

Oh, F%^& it. Where are the car keys?

CrunchyKnee November 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm

I always say no to the dick measuring device. Fuck them. One fun thing to do is eat a couple of big fat greasy burritos on the way to the airport and fart loudly while they are feeling you up.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:39 pm

Aren't you in danger of being tasered? Labelled a poison gas terrorist?

Rowdy5000 November 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Yeah, there was that once when they were trying to charge that kid who farted on a cop for assault or something. It was dropped, but still you see it could get messy. Our country has buried enough manners as it is; we should probably hold off on farting on one another for as long as possible.

fuflans November 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

do we think K LO is traveling this thanksgiving?

and on a related note: does TSA offer combat pay?

deleted5103330 November 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Don't scan me, bro!

Mindblank November 13, 2010 at 3:53 pm

At least the price of porn on the Intarnets will drop with the vast increase of supply.

chascates November 13, 2010 at 3:53 pm

There is NOTHING in the Constitution about being viewed naked by government employees. Although a government doctor's exam might be different. And a military induction exam. And maybe some sort of scientific experiment. But any way we Americans are TIRED of being told what to do by people who are supposed to tell us things to protect ourselves. Even though we don't deserve it.

So I propose an OPT-OUT DAY of the mindless interference of the U.S. Postal Service. On Monday everyone should stand by their mailbox until the carrier arrives and then yell at that person, "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I DON'T WANT MY MAIL DELIVERED."

LakeLucilleLoon November 13, 2010 at 4:07 pm

That's it. Next time I have to visit relatives in Virginia, the wimpy ones that won't move to Alaska, I'm borrowin' the Palin's motorhome, cause even they don't fly now, they just move around the country in the motorhome.

Redhead November 13, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I'm just going to point out again that when they were training the TSA employees how to use this shit, one of them had to walk through it, and he got teased so much by his coworkers about his small dick that he went bonkers and shot them or beat them up or something.

So yeah, I've got LOADS of faith that the TSA workers have the maturity to see this as a safety screening, take a doctor mentality and not get off/make fun of what they're seeing on the screens.

Last time I flew on a plane with my mom (who is a nervous flier), we were sitting near an off-duty flight attendant. We hit a bit of turbulence and she got nervous, but we kept telling her that she didn't need to panic until the people who work on the planes got worried. If the effing pilots are worried about these machines, then fuck, it's time to get worried.

user-of-owls November 13, 2010 at 4:30 pm

So geography evidently didn't make the cut in Governor Hirsute's gutted education budget.

deleted5103330 November 13, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Here are the crucial last few seconds of the video of Meg at the airport.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXlMbsR0MMc&t=

BarackMyWorld November 13, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Well, Layne's finally done it….written an article so snarky and sarcastic I really can't tell what side he's actually on.

I'm going to have to read this thing 7 or 8 more times.

TanzbodenKoenig November 13, 2010 at 5:10 pm

That's why God invented webcams and fedex. You don't have to go to boston, it's probably easier and cheaper if you don't. Also, douche, too.

Rarian Rakista November 14, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Yeah, I used to fly from San Fransisco to Portland 2x a month, now I do it 4x a year.

Reefpilot November 13, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Makes you wonder if the designers of the "No Russian" level in Call of Duty got the full cancer scan/grope treatment by TSA mallpig elite.

natoslug November 13, 2010 at 6:10 pm

It's news like this that makes me realize that I am a stealth Zen master. I telecommute, so really, I rarely have to drive. I bought a chunk of property near my parents, upon which someday, planning commission willing, I will be building a house, so no flying to visit relatives. I am withing walking distance of groceries, relatives, pot, the Pacific Ocean and alcohol. What else do I need? Let those with ambitions suffer anal probing and radiation bombardment — I'm cool (and a bit damp) in my cocoon. Suckers.

PublicLuxury November 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Look at the positives. If you fly enough and go through the death-ray porno tube enough you'll become radioactive. It'll be good because you'll glow in the dark, hence lowing the lighting bill. You'll be able to cook food by touching it, so by walking around in the grocery pen and picking up items will be exercising and cooking supper. This will ultimately make your foorprint a lot smaller. Oh and you'll die earlier, helping Social Security stay solvent too.

Just like Sarron Angle… we need to make some lemonade here. Win Win.

JustPixelz November 13, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Scale it all back to basic metal detector. Then put up a sign that says "try anything funny and the other passengers will kill you."

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:42 pm

Lots of libertarians are already fantasizing (and fapping) about gun fights in the air! Explosive decompression doesn't really exist, they say!

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 10:13 pm

I love the sign. In fact, I've said since about 9/14/2001 that there will never again be an airliner take-over that ends with the airliner striking a target. A sufficient number of passengers will realize that they are probably dead already, and will kill the hijackers. As it turns out, a few hundred dollars per plane invested in armoring and locking the door to the flight deck has largely eliminated the possibility of a take-over (except for subverting the flight crew, I guess).

The problem is, we also have to consider that there are folks who would be satisfied to blow up the plane (and themselves) in transit, and even more delighted (were they not already dead) if the debris fell on a densely-populated area.

While I like a good worthly wokette meme as much as anyone, millimeter-wave photons do not carry enough energy to disrupt the chemical bonds in DNA. Therefore, porno-cancer scanners are really just porno scanners. Your last dental x-ray did more damage to your chromosomes than will your next hundred appearances on TSA-Moonlite. [/quantum mechanics]

The real bitch about TSA is that almost everything they do is for show. This may even include the porno-scanners, as I believe that there are plenty of potentially harmful substances that will not show up distinctly under mm wave illumination. It certainly includes the handling of carry-on liquids and gels. I stipulate that a cook-up-on-board multi-component explosive is possible. I would prohibit ALL liquids and gels from carry-on. And then give every passenger a business-class mini-kit (the reason people put this stuff in carry-on is the fear that their check baggage will be delayed).

Actually, if I were in charge, I might simply prohibit carry-on baggage (and I'll admit that when I flew a lot, I was a carry-on-only guy). And if you want to bring your iPod, you get to first prove that it's harmless.

I actually have a point, other than that I'm a controlling asshole. And the point is, if you are really concerned about a threat, you take serious measures. Even if those measures seriously piss off the people you are trying to protect.

Contrapositive: If you don't take serious measures, you are not really concerned about the threat. That's where we are now.

bagofmice November 14, 2010 at 8:51 am

That's the thing. The 9/11 methodology became obsolete DURING the attack. United 93.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:42 am

Just put everyone in a fucking straight-jacket while wearing Depends. Emergency on board? Too bad! You might die in a fiery crash but at least you're free.

Blowing up a plane is just not as easy as most people think.

Office_39 November 13, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Hope we get another fiery midnight blog post tonight.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Now we know how Bruce Banner really got his Hulk powers.

zhubajie November 13, 2010 at 8:24 pm

In Israel, you go through the equivalent of a customs inspection before you board. A trained individual looks at your luggage, talks to you and if you don't act suspicious, that's all. (It does take about 3 hours to talk to everyone boarding 1 plane.) Then you ride a cattle-car out to your plane on the flight line, identify your luggage before it's put on the plane, and you walk up the ladder to your seat. It's time-consuming, but nowhere near as asinine as this TSA stuff.

ShaveTheWhales November 13, 2010 at 10:41 pm

In Israel, trained individuals board you.

Wait. My always-limited snark is succumbing to Zinfandel.

Anyhow. My overall opinion of the Israeli government has declined over the decades, but on the subject of air-travel security they are the model of rationality. Their few airports are under perpetual threat. They believe this (even I believe this). So they have implemented security screening measures that many Americans would consider pretty annoying, but which at least make sense, and probably (evidently, based on history) accomplish something.

kenlayisalive November 14, 2010 at 4:25 am

No, that first line is fantastic.

brosephgoebbels November 15, 2010 at 5:19 pm

The problem with the Israeli method is that it requires extensive personal questioning / racial profiling to determine if a person is "suspicious". The last time I was in TLV, I (Jewish) and my gentile girlfriend were separately interrogated about our relationship status, how long we had been together, where we met, what we were doing in Israel, and whether we would raise Jewish children. Swarthy a-rab looking dudes without a name like Yakov Abrahmowitz go straight to the probulator.

The borders and airports are almost entirely staffed by women with big guns, because the men are off oppressing Palestinians. The whole situation is highly tempting if you're into power dynamics and raven haired, large nosed women. I came so close to slapping the ass of one female soldier on a bus, but stopped before I got perforated by her M16.

How can I forget thee, O Jerusalem?

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2010 at 10:47 pm

On the plus side, from now on when I answer the door naked, I can just explain that I'm doing it for security purposes.

bagofmice November 14, 2010 at 9:10 am

That kind of backfires when you say "Nothing to see here, move along."

sezme November 13, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Had he been elected, Basil Marceaux would have put a stop to this nonsensical traffic stop slavery.

UguyzRfunny November 14, 2010 at 1:42 am

You know, I just got back from a trip to Mexico (Puerto Vallarta, OMG it was fabulous, thanks for asking) and I didn't even have to take off my shoes. I offered, but they said no, you don't need to, keep moving. No wonder they are constantly being attacked by the terrorists.

CookieGuggleman November 14, 2010 at 7:01 am

If TSA wants to see me nekkid, they're going to have to buy me dinner first.

HistoriCat November 14, 2010 at 9:45 am

How about the TSA folks strip down as a show of good faith? Or we get to fondle them back? I know, I've seen those people, so it wouldn't be pleasant but it would provide a level of basic fairness.

Barbara_i November 14, 2010 at 10:29 am

Has anyone ever been in the Philadelphia airport when the security line is backed up all the way to the escalators? I stop panicking as much when I realize that, hey, I am not the last in line. Then a security person will come and I know that he's going to open the velvet ropes to "Club Happy" an select someone to be first in that newly opened line. My hand on a freaking stack of bibles, they ALWAYS pick the person behind me, making me the last in line again.

Then comes the trick question. I had just moved to New Mexico and we were flying out of somewhere and the security dude asks my husband, "red or green? and Jeff says, "Christmas" and he's let through. Then I get the same question and I don't know what the hell they are talking about. (red chilies or green chilies or both, Christmas) I just stood there, looking like a dope. Jeff and Alex Trebeck just look at each other like "okay, it's a uterus and not Google, just let her through" I should just get a fucking I.D. with the name "Bell Curve" on it.

I'm ready for the flight to Vegas tomorrow. I've been boning up on information and my mind is on fire with knowledge. They can toss any question at me and I am ready.

Panty_Buns November 14, 2010 at 12:17 pm

The TSA is using fear-mongering to justify perversion. Sooner or later you just KNOW scans will be leaked onto the internet. What's even worse are the fondling of passengers, strip-searches, and "cavity searches". It's a straight forward example of government sponsored molestation, and that's putting it mildly. Are you a voyeur, serial groper, molester or predator? The TSA has the perfect job for you!

Tundra Grifter November 14, 2010 at 12:23 pm

"…idiot kabuki theater of TSA security checkpoints" – that's some very, very funny stuff!

Oblios_Cap November 14, 2010 at 12:47 pm

If Reagan had just destroyed the pilots' unions too, we wouldn't be having this opt-out discussion. I'm sure it'll be a priority of our new orange overlord.

mrbubb November 14, 2010 at 1:00 pm

You know, I bet the TSA dudes hate fucking dealing with a bunch of cranky, smelly fat fucks. They probably, more than most, know what a load of bullshit these fucking rules are. But thanks to the offshoring of manufacturing, in order to allow the cramming of more useless shit down the blobular American maw, this is the best they could get.

How about fixing the problem by electing people who will fix the problem?

OneDollarJuana November 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm

We thought we did.

user-of-owls November 14, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Well you are. And by you, I mean you. The yobs and the ASBO's and the royal parasites, no. But you, my dear, will always have a full set of lovely teeth in my mind, and a mind full of deliciously sharp teeth.

PrezCamacho November 14, 2010 at 11:11 pm

You are missing the point. This will bea pay=per-view cam service. Revenues going directly against the deficit. Pr0n aficionados will get us out of the recesssion in a couple od weeks. AT least that's what I did as president.

joobajooba November 15, 2010 at 8:35 am

Or passengers could just start showing up at the airport nude.

philpjfry November 15, 2010 at 9:20 am

As much as I normaly enjoy being felt up by strangers, my irrational hatred of security guards trumps the opportunity to flash my junk in the middle of the airport. I won't be flying anytime soon.

hagajim November 15, 2010 at 1:24 pm

If I am gonna be a star in the Best of TSA Porn Monster Poses I demand that I get paid royalties! I don't show my junk via radioactive porn screening for free. This Obamar feller has to be behind all this – so he can send out kiddie pron to all his friends.

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Is this a "gateway" habit to much more serious stuff, like kiddie porn? Will that be Glumm Bleek's excuse when the truth comes out?

Rowdy5000 November 15, 2010 at 2:36 pm

What if a really convincing she-male opted for the grope, and then the TSA official found her penis? What then? Do you suppose passable she-males are researching this now? They ought to be.

JGambolputty November 15, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Yeah! Why do you HATE AMERICA, Ken Layne??!

Chet Kincaid November 14, 2010 at 12:38 pm

No, but I did see Maddow's interview with Stewart Thursday night. My takeaway is that Stewart spends a hell of a lot of time watching cable news channels to get material for his show, and thus overestimates the importance of the "tone" of the news vs. the actual damage that is being done to real people in this country. If not, he wouldn't have wasted the opportunity to address 200,000 people and the nation with a message of "talk nice about each other" three days before a really important election.

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