This week, Barack Obama went over to Asia to see what happens when a model minority owns an entire continent. He obvs already knew, because his hippie mom made him live there in some off-the-grid shack for a hot minute with a foreign non-daddy, but it was worth another look to see if anything had changed, like if a sizable portion of the population had lost or gained an epicanthic fold.
On Monday in New Delhi, Bam-Bam did whatever — organized his shoes in the hotel closet, called for India to become a permanent member of the U.N. Security Council, who fucking knows — while Michelle Obama toured an arts and crafts museum with girls from local slums. To put it in U.S. terms, this is like a child with only one Xbox getting on her ‘08 Dell laptop to look at Etsy.com.
I’d also like to pause here to salute Jake “-son Sudeikis” Tapper and the boys at Political Punch for entitling one Monday post “As Namaste As He Wants To Be.” YOU WIN THIS ROUND, TAPPER.
On Tuesday in Jakarta, President Yudhoyono gave Bammerz a gold medal to honor his moms, who as it turns out studied in Indonesia for over a decade AND got her frickin’ Ph.D. for a study of rural Javanese metalworkers. WTF? Obamom was badass! Barry spent so much time talking up his grandma on the campaign trail, but I missed this whole “mom-was-a-genius-who-got-her-doctorate-three-years-before-she-died” thing.
On Wednesday, Obama was in Seoul, South Korea, a popular destination for infertile white Americans. Because Obama is not technically white, he did not pick up an adorable little brother for Malia and Sasha whilst there. Rather, he went to a U.S. Army base to do veterinary things, with cats or turtles maybe? He also talked mad shit on North Korea. I’d like to see him try that crap in Pyongyang! You KNOW he’d be all nice and shit to their faces.
On Thursday, the G20 decided to light a huge spliff, turn on G4, and fap to the pretty ladies talking about the machines. Barack Obama is a huge Attack of the Show fan, did you know this? Then they watched old episodes of Web Soup, because Michelle hearts her some Chris Hardwick.
On Friday, which is today, Obama took a satisfying dump. I don’t know when, but I know it happened. Isn’t it weird to think about the president pooping? Have you ever thought of this before? Have you heard that LBJ used to freak out reporters by talking to them on the toilet? This is what a cute boy told me. Squeeee! (I wish it were Jake Tapper, but he is busy dating January Jones and being on SNL, so he was not in fact the cute boy in question.)
That’s all for this week, you stinking, filthy fuckaducks. Go watch “127 Hours,” I guess? I want to go see it so that I can yawn ostentatiously at the conclusion and yell, “127 hours? Felt like 127 daaaaaaays!” Spoiler alert: One-armed James Franco fucks me for a long time onscreen, and then kills Harrison Ford’s wife. Then he fucks me more, the end.
{ 42 comments }
Oh, fuck, I've got it! Barry has to adopt a foreign kid! Not one of them "pay 79 cents a day and get a fake postcard from a fake kid" either, he has to adopt a real-live kid from a foreign land, preferably one where the people generally sport epicanthic folds.
It would make the wingers heads asplode, it would confuse the shit out of liberals, and, while the stupid country is freaking out, the useless Senate could quietly rescind DADT, fix the fucking health care bill, and change the filibuster rules, making sure they sunset in 2 years.
I am, I am too modest to say, a fucking political genius. Er, what were you talking about, Sara Benincasa?
It should be a pair of poor foreign white (Eastern European? Irish?) brothers, the younger one with some kind of glandular problem that will keep him short his entire life, who will suddenly find themselves living the life of a wealthy, powerful black family. Then that should be "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Sara?"
Icelandic, just to make em as pale as possible. Plus their economy is still in the shitter, so they can be had cheap.
Or even sweeter, get a dwarf white boy and a super tall Masai tribesman for a Mutt and Jeff pupu platter.
Or a Finnish infant, since they "look a little Asian to me." Particularly of the Sami variety.
Either that, or he could adopt whichever children are lowest on the foodchains in the Jolie-Pitt and Madonna households, respectively.
He should get one of them down syndrome kids. They make great insulation against criticism, I hear.
"he went to a U.S. Army base to do veterinary things, with cats or turtles maybe?"
I didn't hear anything about Mitch McConnell leaving the states.
I think old Mitch looks more like an aging unattractive woman, actually. Although I could see why turtles come to mind. But not cats. Cats are cute. Even turtles are cuter than old Mitch.
Oh my God. It never occurred to me how much Mickey looks just like my Great Aunt Dolores until now. I can totally see him in a giant feathered hat and flowery sundress offering me tea while one of his idiot chihuahuas takes a dump on the hardwood. Aunt Dodo, why can't you keep them outside?!
He 100% looks like my mother in law. Serious.
She'll do everything in her power to make you a one-term husband.
Yes, they share that trait as well!
Sara, this alleged prezzy rundown is nothing but a sordid collection of filth, sex fantasies and poop jokes. Why the fuck doesn't anyone tell me when it's liberal atheist Christmas?
A sordid collection of filth, sex fantasies and poop jokes? Just about standard fare for this here Wonkette.
You come for the "DC Gossip" and stay for the buttßechs.
Or, as we call, Friday.
Tapper wished people "Namaste", while the President was touring islands in the Pacific? Do you know what this means? This administration is part of the Dharma Initiative conspiracy and is advancing the sinister plans of the Hanso Foundation! Wake up, sheeple!
uh, Lost is over- at least until the movie comes out.
And, Christina Romer was really just Jorge Garcia in drag. Also.
I feel like I've already seen "127 Hours" since the movie is probably that damn trailer on a loop for an hour and a half.
As always, this Sara(h) blows me away. I got nothing left.
Bammers mom was so awesome.She overcame being from Kansas and having first name Stanley to ride dirt bikes in Indonesia and hire a tranny nanny. Barry Soetoro Obama is a lot more interesting than he lets on.
An excellent strategy.
And the whole Asia trip only cost the taxpayers $21,245,767,989.51 of their hard earned tax dollars according to the only real news channel there is.
Founding Fathers be with you.
(that's how I'm closing all my posts from now on libtards.)
It's all about you?
Everything always ends with you, doesn't it?
No, I'm sorry, it's all about *me*? Haven't you learnt anything from the "virtues of selfishness" (Ayn Rand)
As soon as the Deficit Commission's recommendations are adopted by Congress and signed by Barry, trips like this just won't happen anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…ha. Ahem.
Jake Tapper is dating January Jones? Did he slip her one of Barry's roofies?
On presidential poop:
According to Bill Bryson (in his new book "At Home"), George Washington's Mount Vernon home had a "lovingly preserved privy with two seats side by side."
I'm willing to take on James Franco's role if you want to film your awesome ending to 127 Days, Sara. I can last for minutes, I promise!
This is how I'm going to cope with the new wingnut majority ruining the nation. Dirty twisted sick filth from Dominatrix Benincasa. Thank you mistress may I have another?
Today, we are all fucking you for a long time onscreen. Please?
Yeah, no, but thanks for thinking of us.
Too soon!
"epicanthic folds" I really thought this was going to be something filthy.
Well, you can "do it" in the eye if that floats your boat.
"while Michelle Obama toured an arts and crafts museum with girls from local slums. To put it in U.S. terms, this is like a child with only one Xbox getting on her ‘08 Dell laptop to look at Etsy.com."
(sigh…) [little animated hearts escape my chest] me: "this is why I married this woman."
He leaves and the market drops. Come home O, all is forgiven!
I personally prefer the term 'bagger on account of the fact that they SUCK BALLS. All of 'em. All the time.
I'm old enough to remember when Penthouse Forum had an ongoing dalliance with amputee porn, so thanks for the nostalgia.
Mmmmm, hawt girl-on-stump ACTION!
"On Friday, which is today, Obama took a satisfying dump. I don’t know when, but I know it happened. Isn’t it weird to think about the president pooping?"
No Delhi Belly or Laduzi? Whatever they call diarrhea in Korean?
So any rumors of "eat-drink-man-woman" activities? I don't know about Korea or Indo, but in Chinese hotels, hookers always phone you, ask if you want a "massage." They don't care if your wife is there, either.
"Fuckaduck"?!? How DARE you!
I much prefer "panty-chewer" or "bicycle-seat sniffer."
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